the national opioid crisis has raised
awareness about an important public
health problem but we must not forget
why opioids came to be in the first
place to heal pain according to the
National Institutes of Health over 50
million American adults suffer from
chronic daily or severe pain we can
argue as to whether opioid medications
are the most appropriate way to treat
pain but I’d like us to focus on the
inner experience of people with pain
what are they going through as a
clinical psychologist and a researcher I
spent the last 20 years working with and
interviewing people with chronic pain I
also have family members with chronic
pain and I’ve learned from them that
it’s not just the physical suffering but
also the emotional suffering that takes
a toll and I’ve learned from them that
how loved ones respond to them makes a
big difference in their quality of life
specifically our ability to pay
attention and to be with someone who is
suffering has healing power to
understand this a little bit better I’d
like you to imagine what it’s like to
have chronic pain pain that follows you
wherever you go
it’s what view when you’re awake and
it’s with you when you’re asleep you go
to a loved one and you tell them what
it’s like to suffer from chronic pain
how you’re worried that you’re going to
become more disabled over time or how
you’re sad or even angry that you cannot
play with your children or your
grandchildren the way you used to or
that you can’t engage in valued
activities like riding a bike
or gardening how would you want your
loved one to respond to you when you
express your worry your sadness and your
anger about your illness
in all likelihood you’d want simple
authentic responses from your loved one
responses like I’m so sorry that you’re
feeling this way
or it’s not fair I wish I could take
that pain away from you or even
questions like I had no idea you were
feeling this way come sit with me what
are you going through these kinds of
responses are called emotional
validation and they signal to the person
with pain and suffering that they are
valued that they have dignity and that
they are loved in my research I have
found that these kinds of emotionally
validating responses are associated with
better mood less pain and better quality
relationships now I’ve also seen other
kinds of responses in validating
responses responses like stop being a
baby or I have pain and I can deal with
it why can’t you
or just go to the doctor and have them
fix it I’m tired of hearing about this
or worse it’s all in your head
imagine what it feels like to receive
those kinds of responses when you share
your suffering with a loved one these
kinds of invalidating responses signal
to the person that they are not worthy
that they’re unimportant and they are
associated with greater anxiety and
depression and there are many reasons
why people respond in these invalidating
ways sometimes we’re taught to ignore or
dismiss pain and just turn away other
times there’s anger a resentment that
might build up because of how the pain
has affected the people’s lives
and sometimes we respond with
invalidation because we feel helpless in
the face of another person’s pain and so
we turn away or lash out because it
feels uncomfortable to be helpless the
good news is that we can change this
behavior and we can become attentive to
another person suffering
and this is the basis of many
psychological treatments for pain and
for other problems and in a treatment
that I developed for couples who are
coping with pain I incorporate exercises
where couples can regain the sense of
attention and sit with uncomfortable
feelings to be able to be there for
their partners and so based on that
research and also other research I would
like to share with you three ways you
can be game changers in the lives of
your loved ones who are suffering so
first is simple gratitude think of a
time when you received that kind of
attention from somebody else when you
were suffering in mind body or spirit
someone who listened to you and accepted
you for who you were recall that
experience and recall that person and be
grateful for both and then pay it
forward to the next person second recall
a time when you were able to give that
kind of attention to somebody else a
time when you were able to spend some
time listening to someone else as they
were expressing their feelings under
what condition were you able to do that
for many of us we are able to pay
attention to another person because we
have cultivated some other daily
practice that allows us to be grounded
for some of us it might be daily
meditation prayer exercise these kinds
of practices can help us cultivate and
be ready and open to being attentive to
another person and third there are some
things that we can do in the moment when
we’re listening to someone who is
suffering the first is to listen don’t
change the subject
just listen
the second is to be aware of our own
feelings as we are listening to someone
else express their suffering we might
feel compassion sadness anger
helplessness these are all normal
feelings that come up when we hear
somebody facing a difficult time and
when we especially cannot solve that
problem for them there’s no need to run
away or push those feelings down but to
just accept them for what they are and
use that in your listening the third
thing that we can do is to ask the
person what they need oftentimes we jump
into problem solving which can appear
invalidating because we’re trying to get
rid of the problem and we don’t want to
hear this person suffering anymore but
instead if we ask what do you need do
you need some problem solving or do you
need a listening ear that allows the
person who is suffering to tell you and
to take some agency over it and it
allows you to respond in the way that
they’re accepting now these kinds of
practices it takes time and it takes
practice and sometimes we forget and we
need to relearn them now the very old
and the very young are very good at
paying attention and I’d like to share a
short video to show you an example of
this
such attention between these two people
their eyes are locked and they’re not
paying attention to anything else that’s
going on around them now we have that
quality when we’re very young and then
we get older and we get distracted there
are many things competing for our
attention but with regular practice we
can regain the sense of attention and it
will not cure chronic pain it will not
cure suffering but it will lessen
suffering and it will improve quality of
life and this is a gift that we can give
to other people that we encounter and in
giving this gift we receive a treasure
Simone vay a French writer once shared
the story of the Holy Grail the Holy
Grail was a very special treasure highly
sought after people thought of all ways
that they could try to get this treasure
and the guardian of the Grail was a king
who was wounded with chronic pain and
paralyzed and vey says that the key to
attaining the treasure of the Grail was
to give our attention to the king and
ask the king what are you going through
she says only the person capable of
attention can do this are we willing to
pay attention thank you
[Applause] you
awareness about an important public
health problem but we must not forget
why opioids came to be in the first
place to heal pain according to the
National Institutes of Health over 50
million American adults suffer from
chronic daily or severe pain we can
argue as to whether opioid medications
are the most appropriate way to treat
pain but I’d like us to focus on the
inner experience of people with pain
what are they going through as a
clinical psychologist and a researcher I
spent the last 20 years working with and
interviewing people with chronic pain I
also have family members with chronic
pain and I’ve learned from them that
it’s not just the physical suffering but
also the emotional suffering that takes
a toll and I’ve learned from them that
how loved ones respond to them makes a
big difference in their quality of life
specifically our ability to pay
attention and to be with someone who is
suffering has healing power to
understand this a little bit better I’d
like you to imagine what it’s like to
have chronic pain pain that follows you
wherever you go
it’s what view when you’re awake and
it’s with you when you’re asleep you go
to a loved one and you tell them what
it’s like to suffer from chronic pain
how you’re worried that you’re going to
become more disabled over time or how
you’re sad or even angry that you cannot
play with your children or your
grandchildren the way you used to or
that you can’t engage in valued
activities like riding a bike
or gardening how would you want your
loved one to respond to you when you
express your worry your sadness and your
anger about your illness
in all likelihood you’d want simple
authentic responses from your loved one
responses like I’m so sorry that you’re
feeling this way
or it’s not fair I wish I could take
that pain away from you or even
questions like I had no idea you were
feeling this way come sit with me what
are you going through these kinds of
responses are called emotional
validation and they signal to the person
with pain and suffering that they are
valued that they have dignity and that
they are loved in my research I have
found that these kinds of emotionally
validating responses are associated with
better mood less pain and better quality
relationships now I’ve also seen other
kinds of responses in validating
responses responses like stop being a
baby or I have pain and I can deal with
it why can’t you
or just go to the doctor and have them
fix it I’m tired of hearing about this
or worse it’s all in your head
imagine what it feels like to receive
those kinds of responses when you share
your suffering with a loved one these
kinds of invalidating responses signal
to the person that they are not worthy
that they’re unimportant and they are
associated with greater anxiety and
depression and there are many reasons
why people respond in these invalidating
ways sometimes we’re taught to ignore or
dismiss pain and just turn away other
times there’s anger a resentment that
might build up because of how the pain
has affected the people’s lives
and sometimes we respond with
invalidation because we feel helpless in
the face of another person’s pain and so
we turn away or lash out because it
feels uncomfortable to be helpless the
good news is that we can change this
behavior and we can become attentive to
another person suffering
and this is the basis of many
psychological treatments for pain and
for other problems and in a treatment
that I developed for couples who are
coping with pain I incorporate exercises
where couples can regain the sense of
attention and sit with uncomfortable
feelings to be able to be there for
their partners and so based on that
research and also other research I would
like to share with you three ways you
can be game changers in the lives of
your loved ones who are suffering so
first is simple gratitude think of a
time when you received that kind of
attention from somebody else when you
were suffering in mind body or spirit
someone who listened to you and accepted
you for who you were recall that
experience and recall that person and be
grateful for both and then pay it
forward to the next person second recall
a time when you were able to give that
kind of attention to somebody else a
time when you were able to spend some
time listening to someone else as they
were expressing their feelings under
what condition were you able to do that
for many of us we are able to pay
attention to another person because we
have cultivated some other daily
practice that allows us to be grounded
for some of us it might be daily
meditation prayer exercise these kinds
of practices can help us cultivate and
be ready and open to being attentive to
another person and third there are some
things that we can do in the moment when
we’re listening to someone who is
suffering the first is to listen don’t
change the subject
just listen
the second is to be aware of our own
feelings as we are listening to someone
else express their suffering we might
feel compassion sadness anger
helplessness these are all normal
feelings that come up when we hear
somebody facing a difficult time and
when we especially cannot solve that
problem for them there’s no need to run
away or push those feelings down but to
just accept them for what they are and
use that in your listening the third
thing that we can do is to ask the
person what they need oftentimes we jump
into problem solving which can appear
invalidating because we’re trying to get
rid of the problem and we don’t want to
hear this person suffering anymore but
instead if we ask what do you need do
you need some problem solving or do you
need a listening ear that allows the
person who is suffering to tell you and
to take some agency over it and it
allows you to respond in the way that
they’re accepting now these kinds of
practices it takes time and it takes
practice and sometimes we forget and we
need to relearn them now the very old
and the very young are very good at
paying attention and I’d like to share a
short video to show you an example of
this
such attention between these two people
their eyes are locked and they’re not
paying attention to anything else that’s
going on around them now we have that
quality when we’re very young and then
we get older and we get distracted there
are many things competing for our
attention but with regular practice we
can regain the sense of attention and it
will not cure chronic pain it will not
cure suffering but it will lessen
suffering and it will improve quality of
life and this is a gift that we can give
to other people that we encounter and in
giving this gift we receive a treasure
Simone vay a French writer once shared
the story of the Holy Grail the Holy
Grail was a very special treasure highly
sought after people thought of all ways
that they could try to get this treasure
and the guardian of the Grail was a king
who was wounded with chronic pain and
paralyzed and vey says that the key to
attaining the treasure of the Grail was
to give our attention to the king and
ask the king what are you going through
she says only the person capable of
attention can do this are we willing to
pay attention thank you
[Applause] you
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