[Music]
you know there’s a story here
my legs used to be like most of yours
standing here on this prosthetic leg
miracle of design and engineering though
it may be and this other reconstructed
leg which is the surgical miracle all
its own I won’t tell you that I never
missed the originals but I’ve gotten so
much better at focusing on what’s now
and what’s ahead that wishing things
were the way they used to be happens
less and less and I’m here to say you
don’t have to get run over by a boat
dance with the propeller wind up with
three severely injured limbs including
one that had to be amputated and years
of recovery and adaptation ahead to gain
that perspective you can have it for
free and between those two options
that’s also my recommendations
you know this gap between what we want
and what we get or what we used to have
and we have now can be vast and we fill
that gap with the yearning for what was
or what could have been you know I
compared this to a phantom limb
sensation the feeling of actually
believing you still have a limb that’s
no longer part of you you know I
distinctly remember days after my
accident feeling this string stuck
between my toes the sensation was so
real even though those toes were no
longer part of me and it was completely
maddening and want to change something I
couldn’t you know this natural desire we
all have to change something we can’t
that yearning for the unfulfilled wish
or the thing we lost I can creep into
our lives
it can pervade our entire experience of
being alive our sense of self our
capacity to be here now I’m calling it
phantom life that nagging dissonance
between what was or should be and what
is you know nothing in my first 36 years
of life ever really confronted me with
the reality all that demanding I’ve
always been generally happy but like
most people I’d find reason at times you
know oddly wished life were different
easier better
I focus on little things that don’t
really matter or I’d compare the real to
the ideal or the perceived ideal you
know it’s a habit of mine
I think shared by most of us to
reflexively compare our situation to a
seemingly better one but then one
weekend four years ago everything
changed that boat ran over me and I
almost died a freak accident sent me on
a one-way journey to find a cure for
phantom life it was a demand to give up
attachment not only to a limb but to a
fixed way of thinking about loss and
change about the way things should be
and you know the perspective I learned
on that journey was essential it was all
so exhilarating and I want to share a
few lessons for to be exact that I
learned from that unexpected journey so
the first one has centered all around
the brain you know the brain is
magnificent and there are things we all
know about the brain such as its high
level of plasticity and the ability for
our brains to learn and relearn over
time you know what’s most interesting to
me though is how our brains react to
positive and negative events did you
know our brains actually have a
negativity bias it’s physiologically
easier to be negative and when something
does happen that creates negativity
perceived or real it’s like a
reinforcing of this natural wiring but
here’s what I learned we can actually
get better at this we can practice this
it’s not just something that you have to
say Wow why is that other person so much
better at dealing with whatever life
hands them but like all brain changes
frequent and repetitive actions are key
to molding and reinforcing neural
connections so said simply thinking more
positive thoughts is like daily exercise
for your brain just like other exercise
strengthens your body you know this next
lesson centers around this idea of an
anchor you know what anchor means a few
things to me first of all there was
literally involved an anchor with my
boating accident that day an anchor is
also it grounds us and for me that’s
always been my friends and my family my
roots but the anchor I want to talk
about
tonight is what we anchor our
perspectives to you know we respond
differently to other people’s struggles
than we do to our own for ourselves we
replay we wallow we ruminate we wish
things were different we scratch the
Fantom life but we often use the dire
circumstances of other people to
diminish our own problems you know a
common response is wow that puts things
in perspective it’s like a pop of light
where the issue of the day seems
meaningless in the wake of someone
else’s horrific problem then what do we
do ten minutes later we move on to
worrying about you know whether we have
something planned for dinner or who just
texted us the Wow that puts things in
perspective moment it’s like the
original snapchat for our brains see it
and it’s gone
you know recovery from any trauma
illness death divorce job loss whatever
it is we’re not prepared to handle is
hard and I’d venture to say most of us
don’t want to stay depressed or angry or
bitter I know I didn’t so I found I had
to seek out those snapchat moments and
make them last I had to start looking
for perspective in a sustainable way it
wasn’t enough to wait for those Wow that
puts things in perspective trains to
arrive at the station they didn’t come
often enough and they never took me to a
whole new place but I did find that I
actually could make perspective last
just by simply focusing on it to do this
I would ask myself frequently
obsessively a series of questions things
like how could this situation have been
worse you know that boat could have hit
my head or my vital organs it’s amazing
that it didn’t my kids could have been
there to witness it thankfully they
weren’t you know when we say it could be
so much worse we usually say that about
someone else’s problem but what I found
is when you’re struggling when you’re
really struggling kind of at the end of
that proverbial rope ask yourself what
are five ways it could be worse commit
to it say it out loud write it down
whatever you’ll be amazed at how it can
change your anchor point I’d also ask
myself what’s the hidden advantage in
this seemingly terrible situation you
know many days I honestly couldn’t find
an answer to the
I was the mother of a two-year-old and a
four-year-old crawling upstairs we’re
stuck in a wheelchair my career was on
hold my husband was instead a caregiver
I couldn’t do one single thing alone but
some days I’d find an answer I could
make myself believe maybe I’ll write a
book and go on tour and inspire Millions
and work one day a month you know sounds
pretty good um
maybe my kids will be more accepting or
empathetic I remember during this era my
son would tell me that you know mom I’m
gonna come live with you when you’re
resting your legs and he’d tell me he’d
bring me one of his stuffed animals this
is usually how that would end of course
I didn’t have a leg on and then I would
also notice his high empathy as he would
care for one of our special friends mr.
caterpillar who also happened to lose a
leg
I remember my two-year-old daughter at
this phase coming down wearing this
single leg warmer and I asked her what
is that and she said well that’s my
prosthetic leg mamma solidarity ed – but
what I really learned was that it didn’t
matter if I found the hidden advantage
just the practice of regularly asking
the question changed my perspective no
another tactic I would use was to think
outside of myself the broader lens a
third person point of view I would use
this broader lens to reset my anchor to
the past for instance I would make
myself compare day 72 of my recovery to
day 7 of my recovery versus comparing
day 72 to my pre-accident life you know
bearing weight on a new prosthetic leg
and taking those first steps learning to
walk again
see pretty miraculous compared to you
know not being able to roll over in bed
or put in your own ponytail we need to
choose our mental competition wisely we
get to choose any point you want so I
learned that the power of perspective
and it is so powerful as we all know but
it’s short-term unless you find ways to
make it last
you know this next lesson centers around
the idea of attachment okay so first of
all Eastern philosophy offers us a lot
of wisdom about this idea of
non-attachment basically the idea is you
know desire suffering attachment is the
root of that desire and thus the root of
all of our problems this resonates with
my idea of phantom life what we want
versus what we get but you know I’m
Western through and through I’m a
small-town girl from Clyde Kansas in a
row no matter how many links people sent
me on check out this idea of
non-attachment I didn’t know what to do
with it it just wasn’t that useful for
me but I did find something useful on my
journey in this idea of a reattachment
okay so my right leg was severely
injured it was nearly amputated I had
lost about 8 inches of my fibula which
is your outside lower leg bum as well as
key tendons and muscles the tendon loss
was the most debilitating because I
couldn’t walk without this huge clunky
uncomfortable ugly brace so I decided to
have a tendon transfer surgery my
surgeon reattached that inter tendon I
still had to the center top of my foot
you know this was extremely successful
but not immediately you know after that
surgery I really learned about this idea
of reattachment for over three decades
my brain had believed that that inter
tendon was used to move my foot inward
and downward but now it had to
compensate it had to do more it had to
make up for what I was missing so post
surgery for instance if I wanted to move
my foot up I had to concentrate and tell
my brain move foot in you know over time
and lots of move foot movement my brain
learned this new pathway but what it
really started to learn was maybe
there’s something bigger here maybe
there’s a bigger metaphor that it’s not
just all about tendons and muscles and
surgeries maybe there’s something about
our lives
so I started to think maybe we can
actually detach from our old life the
one that we thought had to turn out a
certain way and reattach to a new one
and maybe one that’s full of you know
more
ability than we could have ever imagined
so my last lesson is all about a
swimsuit you know about a year after my
accident we took a family vacation to
the beach there were lots of other
families there and I’m guessing you know
some of the moms might have been
thinking things that I might have
ordinarily been thinking like this
swimsuit is terrible why do we have to
wear these things could I be any fatter
or pastier are my kids safe no I know
all these feelings well the morning of
my accident a near supermodel friend
took this photo of my husband and me and
I distinctly remember thinking okay
let’s not document this please do not
put this on social media but you know if
I had only known that was the most
perfect my body would ever be for the
rest of my life so here I was on that
beach year later and I’ll tell you my
concerns were very different I was
mainly just thinking about this
waterproof foot I was carrying in my
beach bag my normal prosthetic foot is
pretty cool I mean it can do things like
since terrain so if I’m going uphill or
downhill it like mimics a natural ankle
movement so you know all that requires
electronics so I plug it in like a cell
phone every night so I need this
separate waterproof foot for water
activities and sitting there that day on
that beach I took footbe out of my beach
bag and I replaced foot a with an Allen
wrench and as I sat there during the
transfer by the way I remember having
this really weird thought as I looked at
my feet I thought I actually do have two
left feet and I took this photo and I
posted it you know so excited to be on
the beach and so many people actually
commented about my toenail polish and I
thought you know that was the hidden
advantage I haven’t hadn’t thought of
yet that I didn’t have to go and you
know get a fancy pedicure because before
I put it in my beach bag I just set it
on the table it’s like the perfect angle
to paint your toenails it’s worked out
great so I noted that in my hidden
advantage journal that day but the
biggest thing I learned through this
whole era was that you really have to
think about perspective and as I sat
there on the beach thinking about it it
lasted for a while but honestly that day
negativity started to take over that
waterproof foot was really just a piece
of wood carved to look like a foot
tricky enough to walk on alone let alone
you know traverse a football field full
of sand or play with my kids so we got
back to the hotel i hobbled into the
room in pain and honestly I just wanted
to bawl my eyes out I couldn’t stop
thinking of what that trip would have
been like without this problem I
couldn’t stop thinking about the other
people at the beach there working legs
and feet
another wimey moment had arrived so I
locked myself in the bathroom to shower
and standing there I willed myself into
a new perspective I literally said out
loud things like I’m lucky to even be
here so many people can’t travel for so
many different reasons if anyone had
told me six months ago I’d walk on a
beach today I would have been elated
standing here on this waterproof foot
well at least I’m standing up in the
shower which I haven’t done in a year
that feels pretty fantastic now this
isn’t just Pollyanna stuff by forcing
myself just for a few minutes to flip my
thinking I could feel my energy it was
flowing down a different Road and what
did it take didn’t cost me any money I
didn’t have to visit a doctor or buy a
book I created my own little chemical
reaction in my brain by leveraging the
free and abundant resource of
perspective catalyzed by a new set of
comparison
and I learned something important that
day but actively forcing a new
perspective on yourself is the cheapest
and easiest way to change how you feel
about your situation so here’s where I
tell you you can start rewiring your
brain with this kind of perspective
training right now you know it’s so
simple if you don’t have to most people
probably won’t even bother to try it but
if you knew the practicing perspective
training could better prepare you to
handle any kind of challenge or struggle
would you do it would you give yourself
the equivalent of a dopamine shot every
day but one that’s free painless organic
and on your own time would you spend
just a few minutes reframing your daily
problems – why are those pathways for
the bigger problems to come you know
perspective is essential we all know
it’s part of the human condition to face
change and struggle and challenge you
know I always say you never meet anybody
who turns 90 and says nothing ever
happened in my life and we need to think
about perspective for what it is it’s
free abundant it does not discriminate
it’s like air it’s all around us it’s
life-giving we don’t notice that when
it’s good but when it’s bad or when we
run out of it we can notice nothing else
and what do we do when it’s water
instead of air even as we’re losing
consciousness close to death we
struggled a surface to breathe to save
ourselves you know my crazy life
experience along at that of other trauma
survivors forces this kind of brain
training it’s do or die time literally
you know multiple studies have shown
that trauma survivors are happier on
average than lottery winners this makes
sense to me because survivors have been
forced to learn these lessons it’s like
you’re awarded a free pair of life
goggles if you make it back to the
living but anyone living can wear them
you’re wearing them now you just have to
start asking the right questions
and see how the view and you begin to
change
you
you know there’s a story here
my legs used to be like most of yours
standing here on this prosthetic leg
miracle of design and engineering though
it may be and this other reconstructed
leg which is the surgical miracle all
its own I won’t tell you that I never
missed the originals but I’ve gotten so
much better at focusing on what’s now
and what’s ahead that wishing things
were the way they used to be happens
less and less and I’m here to say you
don’t have to get run over by a boat
dance with the propeller wind up with
three severely injured limbs including
one that had to be amputated and years
of recovery and adaptation ahead to gain
that perspective you can have it for
free and between those two options
that’s also my recommendations
you know this gap between what we want
and what we get or what we used to have
and we have now can be vast and we fill
that gap with the yearning for what was
or what could have been you know I
compared this to a phantom limb
sensation the feeling of actually
believing you still have a limb that’s
no longer part of you you know I
distinctly remember days after my
accident feeling this string stuck
between my toes the sensation was so
real even though those toes were no
longer part of me and it was completely
maddening and want to change something I
couldn’t you know this natural desire we
all have to change something we can’t
that yearning for the unfulfilled wish
or the thing we lost I can creep into
our lives
it can pervade our entire experience of
being alive our sense of self our
capacity to be here now I’m calling it
phantom life that nagging dissonance
between what was or should be and what
is you know nothing in my first 36 years
of life ever really confronted me with
the reality all that demanding I’ve
always been generally happy but like
most people I’d find reason at times you
know oddly wished life were different
easier better
I focus on little things that don’t
really matter or I’d compare the real to
the ideal or the perceived ideal you
know it’s a habit of mine
I think shared by most of us to
reflexively compare our situation to a
seemingly better one but then one
weekend four years ago everything
changed that boat ran over me and I
almost died a freak accident sent me on
a one-way journey to find a cure for
phantom life it was a demand to give up
attachment not only to a limb but to a
fixed way of thinking about loss and
change about the way things should be
and you know the perspective I learned
on that journey was essential it was all
so exhilarating and I want to share a
few lessons for to be exact that I
learned from that unexpected journey so
the first one has centered all around
the brain you know the brain is
magnificent and there are things we all
know about the brain such as its high
level of plasticity and the ability for
our brains to learn and relearn over
time you know what’s most interesting to
me though is how our brains react to
positive and negative events did you
know our brains actually have a
negativity bias it’s physiologically
easier to be negative and when something
does happen that creates negativity
perceived or real it’s like a
reinforcing of this natural wiring but
here’s what I learned we can actually
get better at this we can practice this
it’s not just something that you have to
say Wow why is that other person so much
better at dealing with whatever life
hands them but like all brain changes
frequent and repetitive actions are key
to molding and reinforcing neural
connections so said simply thinking more
positive thoughts is like daily exercise
for your brain just like other exercise
strengthens your body you know this next
lesson centers around this idea of an
anchor you know what anchor means a few
things to me first of all there was
literally involved an anchor with my
boating accident that day an anchor is
also it grounds us and for me that’s
always been my friends and my family my
roots but the anchor I want to talk
about
tonight is what we anchor our
perspectives to you know we respond
differently to other people’s struggles
than we do to our own for ourselves we
replay we wallow we ruminate we wish
things were different we scratch the
Fantom life but we often use the dire
circumstances of other people to
diminish our own problems you know a
common response is wow that puts things
in perspective it’s like a pop of light
where the issue of the day seems
meaningless in the wake of someone
else’s horrific problem then what do we
do ten minutes later we move on to
worrying about you know whether we have
something planned for dinner or who just
texted us the Wow that puts things in
perspective moment it’s like the
original snapchat for our brains see it
and it’s gone
you know recovery from any trauma
illness death divorce job loss whatever
it is we’re not prepared to handle is
hard and I’d venture to say most of us
don’t want to stay depressed or angry or
bitter I know I didn’t so I found I had
to seek out those snapchat moments and
make them last I had to start looking
for perspective in a sustainable way it
wasn’t enough to wait for those Wow that
puts things in perspective trains to
arrive at the station they didn’t come
often enough and they never took me to a
whole new place but I did find that I
actually could make perspective last
just by simply focusing on it to do this
I would ask myself frequently
obsessively a series of questions things
like how could this situation have been
worse you know that boat could have hit
my head or my vital organs it’s amazing
that it didn’t my kids could have been
there to witness it thankfully they
weren’t you know when we say it could be
so much worse we usually say that about
someone else’s problem but what I found
is when you’re struggling when you’re
really struggling kind of at the end of
that proverbial rope ask yourself what
are five ways it could be worse commit
to it say it out loud write it down
whatever you’ll be amazed at how it can
change your anchor point I’d also ask
myself what’s the hidden advantage in
this seemingly terrible situation you
know many days I honestly couldn’t find
an answer to the
I was the mother of a two-year-old and a
four-year-old crawling upstairs we’re
stuck in a wheelchair my career was on
hold my husband was instead a caregiver
I couldn’t do one single thing alone but
some days I’d find an answer I could
make myself believe maybe I’ll write a
book and go on tour and inspire Millions
and work one day a month you know sounds
pretty good um
maybe my kids will be more accepting or
empathetic I remember during this era my
son would tell me that you know mom I’m
gonna come live with you when you’re
resting your legs and he’d tell me he’d
bring me one of his stuffed animals this
is usually how that would end of course
I didn’t have a leg on and then I would
also notice his high empathy as he would
care for one of our special friends mr.
caterpillar who also happened to lose a
leg
I remember my two-year-old daughter at
this phase coming down wearing this
single leg warmer and I asked her what
is that and she said well that’s my
prosthetic leg mamma solidarity ed – but
what I really learned was that it didn’t
matter if I found the hidden advantage
just the practice of regularly asking
the question changed my perspective no
another tactic I would use was to think
outside of myself the broader lens a
third person point of view I would use
this broader lens to reset my anchor to
the past for instance I would make
myself compare day 72 of my recovery to
day 7 of my recovery versus comparing
day 72 to my pre-accident life you know
bearing weight on a new prosthetic leg
and taking those first steps learning to
walk again
see pretty miraculous compared to you
know not being able to roll over in bed
or put in your own ponytail we need to
choose our mental competition wisely we
get to choose any point you want so I
learned that the power of perspective
and it is so powerful as we all know but
it’s short-term unless you find ways to
make it last
you know this next lesson centers around
the idea of attachment okay so first of
all Eastern philosophy offers us a lot
of wisdom about this idea of
non-attachment basically the idea is you
know desire suffering attachment is the
root of that desire and thus the root of
all of our problems this resonates with
my idea of phantom life what we want
versus what we get but you know I’m
Western through and through I’m a
small-town girl from Clyde Kansas in a
row no matter how many links people sent
me on check out this idea of
non-attachment I didn’t know what to do
with it it just wasn’t that useful for
me but I did find something useful on my
journey in this idea of a reattachment
okay so my right leg was severely
injured it was nearly amputated I had
lost about 8 inches of my fibula which
is your outside lower leg bum as well as
key tendons and muscles the tendon loss
was the most debilitating because I
couldn’t walk without this huge clunky
uncomfortable ugly brace so I decided to
have a tendon transfer surgery my
surgeon reattached that inter tendon I
still had to the center top of my foot
you know this was extremely successful
but not immediately you know after that
surgery I really learned about this idea
of reattachment for over three decades
my brain had believed that that inter
tendon was used to move my foot inward
and downward but now it had to
compensate it had to do more it had to
make up for what I was missing so post
surgery for instance if I wanted to move
my foot up I had to concentrate and tell
my brain move foot in you know over time
and lots of move foot movement my brain
learned this new pathway but what it
really started to learn was maybe
there’s something bigger here maybe
there’s a bigger metaphor that it’s not
just all about tendons and muscles and
surgeries maybe there’s something about
our lives
so I started to think maybe we can
actually detach from our old life the
one that we thought had to turn out a
certain way and reattach to a new one
and maybe one that’s full of you know
more
ability than we could have ever imagined
so my last lesson is all about a
swimsuit you know about a year after my
accident we took a family vacation to
the beach there were lots of other
families there and I’m guessing you know
some of the moms might have been
thinking things that I might have
ordinarily been thinking like this
swimsuit is terrible why do we have to
wear these things could I be any fatter
or pastier are my kids safe no I know
all these feelings well the morning of
my accident a near supermodel friend
took this photo of my husband and me and
I distinctly remember thinking okay
let’s not document this please do not
put this on social media but you know if
I had only known that was the most
perfect my body would ever be for the
rest of my life so here I was on that
beach year later and I’ll tell you my
concerns were very different I was
mainly just thinking about this
waterproof foot I was carrying in my
beach bag my normal prosthetic foot is
pretty cool I mean it can do things like
since terrain so if I’m going uphill or
downhill it like mimics a natural ankle
movement so you know all that requires
electronics so I plug it in like a cell
phone every night so I need this
separate waterproof foot for water
activities and sitting there that day on
that beach I took footbe out of my beach
bag and I replaced foot a with an Allen
wrench and as I sat there during the
transfer by the way I remember having
this really weird thought as I looked at
my feet I thought I actually do have two
left feet and I took this photo and I
posted it you know so excited to be on
the beach and so many people actually
commented about my toenail polish and I
thought you know that was the hidden
advantage I haven’t hadn’t thought of
yet that I didn’t have to go and you
know get a fancy pedicure because before
I put it in my beach bag I just set it
on the table it’s like the perfect angle
to paint your toenails it’s worked out
great so I noted that in my hidden
advantage journal that day but the
biggest thing I learned through this
whole era was that you really have to
think about perspective and as I sat
there on the beach thinking about it it
lasted for a while but honestly that day
negativity started to take over that
waterproof foot was really just a piece
of wood carved to look like a foot
tricky enough to walk on alone let alone
you know traverse a football field full
of sand or play with my kids so we got
back to the hotel i hobbled into the
room in pain and honestly I just wanted
to bawl my eyes out I couldn’t stop
thinking of what that trip would have
been like without this problem I
couldn’t stop thinking about the other
people at the beach there working legs
and feet
another wimey moment had arrived so I
locked myself in the bathroom to shower
and standing there I willed myself into
a new perspective I literally said out
loud things like I’m lucky to even be
here so many people can’t travel for so
many different reasons if anyone had
told me six months ago I’d walk on a
beach today I would have been elated
standing here on this waterproof foot
well at least I’m standing up in the
shower which I haven’t done in a year
that feels pretty fantastic now this
isn’t just Pollyanna stuff by forcing
myself just for a few minutes to flip my
thinking I could feel my energy it was
flowing down a different Road and what
did it take didn’t cost me any money I
didn’t have to visit a doctor or buy a
book I created my own little chemical
reaction in my brain by leveraging the
free and abundant resource of
perspective catalyzed by a new set of
comparison
and I learned something important that
day but actively forcing a new
perspective on yourself is the cheapest
and easiest way to change how you feel
about your situation so here’s where I
tell you you can start rewiring your
brain with this kind of perspective
training right now you know it’s so
simple if you don’t have to most people
probably won’t even bother to try it but
if you knew the practicing perspective
training could better prepare you to
handle any kind of challenge or struggle
would you do it would you give yourself
the equivalent of a dopamine shot every
day but one that’s free painless organic
and on your own time would you spend
just a few minutes reframing your daily
problems – why are those pathways for
the bigger problems to come you know
perspective is essential we all know
it’s part of the human condition to face
change and struggle and challenge you
know I always say you never meet anybody
who turns 90 and says nothing ever
happened in my life and we need to think
about perspective for what it is it’s
free abundant it does not discriminate
it’s like air it’s all around us it’s
life-giving we don’t notice that when
it’s good but when it’s bad or when we
run out of it we can notice nothing else
and what do we do when it’s water
instead of air even as we’re losing
consciousness close to death we
struggled a surface to breathe to save
ourselves you know my crazy life
experience along at that of other trauma
survivors forces this kind of brain
training it’s do or die time literally
you know multiple studies have shown
that trauma survivors are happier on
average than lottery winners this makes
sense to me because survivors have been
forced to learn these lessons it’s like
you’re awarded a free pair of life
goggles if you make it back to the
living but anyone living can wear them
you’re wearing them now you just have to
start asking the right questions
and see how the view and you begin to
change
you
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