hello I’m here to talk to you about
three little words now as a first-time
newlywed at the age of 45 you might be
thinking I’m going to talk about those
three little words and that’s not true I
want to talk to you about three
different little words that we use all
of the time with our friends our family
our co-workers and maybe most
importantly ourselves those three little
words can’t don’t in but the first word
I want to talk to you about is can’t and
maybe you thought about this before in
21 years of coaching track and field
I’ve heard this word a lot I can’t start
from blocks
I can’t run an even pace I can’t do
push-ups so there’s a two-fold problem
with this the first one is those things
are actually seldom true the second one
is I’d suggest we have enough people in
our life putting limits on ourselves
that are putting limits on us we don’t
need to put limits on ourselves right so
something that actually is closer to the
truth is I have trouble starting from
blocks right I need help with learning
how to pace laps in a race I’m not
really interested in expending the time
and effort in learning how to do
push-ups because I think there’s areas
where I can better spend my time that
will help me race faster right all of
those things are true and one of the
other benefits is is that also gives us
the agency back that we can choose to
learn to get better at to ask help for
or decide that that’s not our priority
but then that becomes our choice in our
agency now at the end of the day right
though those track opportunities right
we have few opportunities for those
things unless maybe in the metaphorical
sense we could hypothesize that learning
to run an even pace might
really useful if you’re doing a
long-term project at work but the more
important thing is teaching people to
pay attention
so when we hear the word camp and when
we think the word can’t to ourselves
right because that way when we say I
can’t pass this chemistry exam that
becomes a question or a check is it that
I can’t or that I have trouble with
saying that I can’t do three research
papers due at the end of the semester
might become I need help learning how to
plan to manage these three papers
together and I can’t make an interesting
graph might become I don’t really want
to spend the time or the effort to do
this really you know sophisticated thing
with statistical data because there’s
other parts of the project that are more
important where I’d rather spend my time
what if we take this one step further I
can’t make new friends maybe it’s I’m
having trouble making new friends
because at college there was a whole
bunch of people around me with similar
interests and now that I’m starting with
my first job that’s tougher I can’t make
it through another day might be I need
help because I’m overwhelmed with all
the responsibilities I have I can’t give
to that cause or that organization might
be actually I’d rather choose to
contribute in a different way or
contribute to another organization all
of those things again are okay and have
the advantage of being true but the most
important piece of that is it returns
our agency to us right it becomes not
about a lack of ability but it becomes a
choice I can learn how to do that I can
ask for help in doing that or maybe the
really honest answer that’s not where I
want to put my time and energy in
figuring out how to do something so the
second word I want us to think about is
don’t and I bet you we have no idea how
many times in a day we hear say think
write that word why do we say don’t
forget well we could say remember now we
could
tygris and i can go on about how your
subconscious actually doesn’t process
the negative very well so we say don’t
do something what we really imagine is
really visualizing that thing and then
putting a big X through it right and
that’s not really a productive way for
us to move towards the vision of what we
want now some of you might be golfers or
you might have friends who are golfers
who usually do a pretty solid job of
hitting the ball off the tee and getting
it to go at least a hundred yards now
what happens when we put a water hazard
right in front of that tee all the
sudden there’s golf balls splashing into
the water right off the tee right what
do you think is happening right how much
do you want to bet when people are
driving off the tee they’re thinking
don’t hit the ball in the water so what
are they imagining hitting the ball in
the water maybe with a little X through
it right but actually what they’re
really doing when they hit the ball in
the water is manifesting the vision of
what they’re thinking about and what
they’re picturing and that’s one of the
reasons why we want to move towards
thinking about what it is that we do
want to do one of the interesting parts
of my job is I get to work with college
students all the time helping them
develop the knowledge skills an
environment to make healthier choices
that means I get to talk to them about
alcohol sex and alcohol in sex right and
you might not want to be envisioning
that right now but you know it’s complex
and difficult work and it leads to a
temptation to want to say don’t don’t
hook up with someone you don’t know well
don’t have sex without consent don’t
have sex without protection and maybe
the biggie don’t have sex with someone
if you are they have both been drinking
right so any of you who’ve ever been a
teenager think about how don’t messaging
worked for you
right so not only is it not particularly
effective it’s really a missed
opportunity for us to mentor in this
case the young people in our lives in
the skills to navigate healthy
relationships and help them manifest the
vision of what they want right if you’re
going to hook up with someone you don’t
know
be extra clear on communication hey
before you have sex make sure you and
your partner on the same page and are
equally excited about what you’re about
to do suddenly I’m feeling sorry for the
person who has to do this all in sign
with your partner about which protection
you’ll use and right maybe most
importantly consider having sober sex
fun fact and those of you who know me
know I love data and I love giving fun
facts in an anonymous survey almost 90%
of bernal students strongly agree or
agree they prefer to be sober for sex
not only that there is more
self-reported sober sex happening on our
campus than not sober sex so when we
message to our students about
considering having sober sex not only
are we avoiding the negative and telling
them what not to do and actually
introducing shame and a not helpful
vision we’re actually helping them to
what they’re choosing to do want to do
in the first place anyway what’s most
often happening and we’re choosing to
not reinforce a norm so you know think
about if we taught driving that way
right through don’ts don’t swerve your
car into other lanes don’t stop your car
by putting your foot on the gas pedal
right it’s probably not good teaching
and mentoring but in general right when
we’re working with friends when we’re
mentoring people when we’re talking
about ourselves the more we can focus on
the vision of what it is we want to move
towards versus what we are avoiding the
more effective we’re going to be now
this is a place where I think we could
really use some help from the music
industry and how we might reframe this
so I think about it like the police
might ask us to stand further away from
me right no doubt could suggest that we
stay silent and journey journey could
so the last word I want to talk to you
is butt and this one is really sneaky
because at its surface but does not
sound nearly as negative as can’t or
don’t and therein lies the problem so
think about the last time someone came
to you and asked for advice and they
might say I have this thing and it will
cure cancer and it will create world
peace and it will ensure a basic
universal income but that butt negates
everything you said before it right and
it says hey the really important part is
what’s coming next right it’s despite so
think about right when you’ve heard
someone say he’s a great guy
but I’d like to go back to school but
and the worst offender of all I’m sorry
but I’m here to tell you any apology
that has the word butt in it is not an
apology at all so I’m not the first one
to think about the importance of this
word William Miller and Steven Romick in
multiple editions of the book
motivational interviewing ask us as
practitioners to pay attention to this
so another piece of what I do in my work
is I meet one-on-one with college
students after they’ve had some sort of
alcohol-related incident and the idea is
that we use that time to explore any
discrepancy between the students own
values and goals and their behaviors
right because it’s really powerful to do
that in fact it’s such an effective
strategy for behavior change that when
the Surgeon General came out with the
document facing addiction of in America
in 2016 it was one of only two
evidence-based strategies he recommended
for working with college students so I
want you to hear the difference you
really enjoy going out blowing off steam
with your friends at the end of the week
but you were disruptive to your
community you really enjoy going out
blowing off steam with your friends and
you are disruptive to your community
in the first example I’m noting their
motivation their reason but then really
intentionally or unintentionally I’m
somehow tipping my hand that that’s not
what’s important the second part is
what’s important when I say and that
allows us to hold both things at once as
true and important you like going out
blowing off steam with your friends at
the end of the week and you were
disruptive to your community that
creates a space for that student and I
to navigate that ambivalence together so
many of you most of you probably aren’t
going to have a lot of motivational
interviewing conversations with college
students about their alcohol use but
many of you or most of you might have
people come to you and talk to you to
ask for advice and that’s where this
really comes into play is how we help
create space sometimes when people ask
you for advice they straight up want to
know what it is you think and it’s fine
to give them that advice but when
someone comes to you deeply ambivalent
about something you will probably find
this any suggestion you make pushes them
in the exact opposite direction right
I’m thinking about quitting my job yeah
you really should quit your job because
you’ve been wanting to start this
business forever
well yeah but I really like my boss and
I might get a promotion in the next year
I’m thinking about quitting my job I
really don’t think you should that would
be irresponsible yeah but I’ve been
thinking about starting this business
for a long time right so we know that
happens what does it look like instead
if we find a way when we’re talking to
our friends our family our co-workers
our mentees and even ourselves to hold
that space for both things to be true at
the same time right you like your boss
you might be going up for a promotion
and you really wanted to start this own
biz
your own business I want to go back to
school and I need to find a way to pay
for it I’m sorry and what you said
really hurt me so I responded without
thinking now we’ll pay attention to when
you see here think these three little
words make a big radical difference in
your life probably not but I don’t want
you to think that it can’t thank you
three little words now as a first-time
newlywed at the age of 45 you might be
thinking I’m going to talk about those
three little words and that’s not true I
want to talk to you about three
different little words that we use all
of the time with our friends our family
our co-workers and maybe most
importantly ourselves those three little
words can’t don’t in but the first word
I want to talk to you about is can’t and
maybe you thought about this before in
21 years of coaching track and field
I’ve heard this word a lot I can’t start
from blocks
I can’t run an even pace I can’t do
push-ups so there’s a two-fold problem
with this the first one is those things
are actually seldom true the second one
is I’d suggest we have enough people in
our life putting limits on ourselves
that are putting limits on us we don’t
need to put limits on ourselves right so
something that actually is closer to the
truth is I have trouble starting from
blocks right I need help with learning
how to pace laps in a race I’m not
really interested in expending the time
and effort in learning how to do
push-ups because I think there’s areas
where I can better spend my time that
will help me race faster right all of
those things are true and one of the
other benefits is is that also gives us
the agency back that we can choose to
learn to get better at to ask help for
or decide that that’s not our priority
but then that becomes our choice in our
agency now at the end of the day right
though those track opportunities right
we have few opportunities for those
things unless maybe in the metaphorical
sense we could hypothesize that learning
to run an even pace might
really useful if you’re doing a
long-term project at work but the more
important thing is teaching people to
pay attention
so when we hear the word camp and when
we think the word can’t to ourselves
right because that way when we say I
can’t pass this chemistry exam that
becomes a question or a check is it that
I can’t or that I have trouble with
saying that I can’t do three research
papers due at the end of the semester
might become I need help learning how to
plan to manage these three papers
together and I can’t make an interesting
graph might become I don’t really want
to spend the time or the effort to do
this really you know sophisticated thing
with statistical data because there’s
other parts of the project that are more
important where I’d rather spend my time
what if we take this one step further I
can’t make new friends maybe it’s I’m
having trouble making new friends
because at college there was a whole
bunch of people around me with similar
interests and now that I’m starting with
my first job that’s tougher I can’t make
it through another day might be I need
help because I’m overwhelmed with all
the responsibilities I have I can’t give
to that cause or that organization might
be actually I’d rather choose to
contribute in a different way or
contribute to another organization all
of those things again are okay and have
the advantage of being true but the most
important piece of that is it returns
our agency to us right it becomes not
about a lack of ability but it becomes a
choice I can learn how to do that I can
ask for help in doing that or maybe the
really honest answer that’s not where I
want to put my time and energy in
figuring out how to do something so the
second word I want us to think about is
don’t and I bet you we have no idea how
many times in a day we hear say think
write that word why do we say don’t
forget well we could say remember now we
could
tygris and i can go on about how your
subconscious actually doesn’t process
the negative very well so we say don’t
do something what we really imagine is
really visualizing that thing and then
putting a big X through it right and
that’s not really a productive way for
us to move towards the vision of what we
want now some of you might be golfers or
you might have friends who are golfers
who usually do a pretty solid job of
hitting the ball off the tee and getting
it to go at least a hundred yards now
what happens when we put a water hazard
right in front of that tee all the
sudden there’s golf balls splashing into
the water right off the tee right what
do you think is happening right how much
do you want to bet when people are
driving off the tee they’re thinking
don’t hit the ball in the water so what
are they imagining hitting the ball in
the water maybe with a little X through
it right but actually what they’re
really doing when they hit the ball in
the water is manifesting the vision of
what they’re thinking about and what
they’re picturing and that’s one of the
reasons why we want to move towards
thinking about what it is that we do
want to do one of the interesting parts
of my job is I get to work with college
students all the time helping them
develop the knowledge skills an
environment to make healthier choices
that means I get to talk to them about
alcohol sex and alcohol in sex right and
you might not want to be envisioning
that right now but you know it’s complex
and difficult work and it leads to a
temptation to want to say don’t don’t
hook up with someone you don’t know well
don’t have sex without consent don’t
have sex without protection and maybe
the biggie don’t have sex with someone
if you are they have both been drinking
right so any of you who’ve ever been a
teenager think about how don’t messaging
worked for you
right so not only is it not particularly
effective it’s really a missed
opportunity for us to mentor in this
case the young people in our lives in
the skills to navigate healthy
relationships and help them manifest the
vision of what they want right if you’re
going to hook up with someone you don’t
know
be extra clear on communication hey
before you have sex make sure you and
your partner on the same page and are
equally excited about what you’re about
to do suddenly I’m feeling sorry for the
person who has to do this all in sign
with your partner about which protection
you’ll use and right maybe most
importantly consider having sober sex
fun fact and those of you who know me
know I love data and I love giving fun
facts in an anonymous survey almost 90%
of bernal students strongly agree or
agree they prefer to be sober for sex
not only that there is more
self-reported sober sex happening on our
campus than not sober sex so when we
message to our students about
considering having sober sex not only
are we avoiding the negative and telling
them what not to do and actually
introducing shame and a not helpful
vision we’re actually helping them to
what they’re choosing to do want to do
in the first place anyway what’s most
often happening and we’re choosing to
not reinforce a norm so you know think
about if we taught driving that way
right through don’ts don’t swerve your
car into other lanes don’t stop your car
by putting your foot on the gas pedal
right it’s probably not good teaching
and mentoring but in general right when
we’re working with friends when we’re
mentoring people when we’re talking
about ourselves the more we can focus on
the vision of what it is we want to move
towards versus what we are avoiding the
more effective we’re going to be now
this is a place where I think we could
really use some help from the music
industry and how we might reframe this
so I think about it like the police
might ask us to stand further away from
me right no doubt could suggest that we
stay silent and journey journey could
so the last word I want to talk to you
is butt and this one is really sneaky
because at its surface but does not
sound nearly as negative as can’t or
don’t and therein lies the problem so
think about the last time someone came
to you and asked for advice and they
might say I have this thing and it will
cure cancer and it will create world
peace and it will ensure a basic
universal income but that butt negates
everything you said before it right and
it says hey the really important part is
what’s coming next right it’s despite so
think about right when you’ve heard
someone say he’s a great guy
but I’d like to go back to school but
and the worst offender of all I’m sorry
but I’m here to tell you any apology
that has the word butt in it is not an
apology at all so I’m not the first one
to think about the importance of this
word William Miller and Steven Romick in
multiple editions of the book
motivational interviewing ask us as
practitioners to pay attention to this
so another piece of what I do in my work
is I meet one-on-one with college
students after they’ve had some sort of
alcohol-related incident and the idea is
that we use that time to explore any
discrepancy between the students own
values and goals and their behaviors
right because it’s really powerful to do
that in fact it’s such an effective
strategy for behavior change that when
the Surgeon General came out with the
document facing addiction of in America
in 2016 it was one of only two
evidence-based strategies he recommended
for working with college students so I
want you to hear the difference you
really enjoy going out blowing off steam
with your friends at the end of the week
but you were disruptive to your
community you really enjoy going out
blowing off steam with your friends and
you are disruptive to your community
in the first example I’m noting their
motivation their reason but then really
intentionally or unintentionally I’m
somehow tipping my hand that that’s not
what’s important the second part is
what’s important when I say and that
allows us to hold both things at once as
true and important you like going out
blowing off steam with your friends at
the end of the week and you were
disruptive to your community that
creates a space for that student and I
to navigate that ambivalence together so
many of you most of you probably aren’t
going to have a lot of motivational
interviewing conversations with college
students about their alcohol use but
many of you or most of you might have
people come to you and talk to you to
ask for advice and that’s where this
really comes into play is how we help
create space sometimes when people ask
you for advice they straight up want to
know what it is you think and it’s fine
to give them that advice but when
someone comes to you deeply ambivalent
about something you will probably find
this any suggestion you make pushes them
in the exact opposite direction right
I’m thinking about quitting my job yeah
you really should quit your job because
you’ve been wanting to start this
business forever
well yeah but I really like my boss and
I might get a promotion in the next year
I’m thinking about quitting my job I
really don’t think you should that would
be irresponsible yeah but I’ve been
thinking about starting this business
for a long time right so we know that
happens what does it look like instead
if we find a way when we’re talking to
our friends our family our co-workers
our mentees and even ourselves to hold
that space for both things to be true at
the same time right you like your boss
you might be going up for a promotion
and you really wanted to start this own
biz
your own business I want to go back to
school and I need to find a way to pay
for it I’m sorry and what you said
really hurt me so I responded without
thinking now we’ll pay attention to when
you see here think these three little
words make a big radical difference in
your life probably not but I don’t want
you to think that it can’t thank you
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