[Music]
if you’re trying to be a good person if
you want to be your best possible self
these are pretty tough times so what if
we could inspire each other especially
the people we partner with to become
more thoughtful more loving versions of
ourselves
my friends Ruby and Jeff inspired me
they always had they were charming
completely down-to-earth
good nice people and totally devoted to
each other but one day many years ago
something happened one day Ruby wanted
out I had never seen her so furious and
according to her it was all Jeff’s fault
everything was all Jeff’s fault
I deserved more she said so much more
and I thought really more from Jeff Jeff
was the guy that came home after working
a hard day’s work and made elaborate
meals for their family just because so
what had got into Ruby and what did
Oprah have to do with it oh we’re going
there but not just yet as a couple’s
counselor I hear a lot of people talk a
whole lot about how the problems in
their relationship are absolutely not
their fault when their partner’s upset
with them they say things like she’s too
sensitive or he doesn’t know what he’s
talking about when I hear things like
this I sit and I listen and I empathize
with their pain and frustration but I
know that playing the blame game never
gets anyone what they really want in
need when our relationships in trouble
were hurt and were angry we feel wounded
and misunderstood so we can’t always see
our own role and all that unhappiness we
give ourselves a free pass
then we magnify our partners every
misstep we store up all that hurt and
pain in what I call a black bag of
resentment that resentment is a
relationship killer the bigger the bag
the more we feel like a victim and the
area we get overtime we might still be a
couple but we’re no longer a team we
become opponents in a war that has no
winner
to stop being a victim we have to let go
of that heavy black bags release our
pain and send it out into the universe
take responsibility for our mistakes and
apologize for the unhappiness that we
have caused that’s not easy
letting go involves changing the story
that we tell ourselves and admitting to
being part of the problem and the
solution so how do we do that so many
relationship problems actually have very
little to do with the relationship
itself research tells us that the less
stress we have the happier our
relationships the problem is we mix that
up all the time instead of seeing that
our own unhappiness put stress in our
relationship we blame our relationship
for our unhappiness we get mad then we
try to get even then we wonder why
things go badly these three steps can
help step number one anything but anger
step number two raising the bar and step
number three I would love it if
statements to remember step number one
anything but anger or ABA for short
think about the 70s band ABBA you know
they do dancing queen because they have
Plus at least for me it’s hard to
imagine being angry listening to ABBA
I mean it’s Abba angers also like the
bodyguard of emotions when we’re angry
we protect ourselves from feeling hurt
that’s because hurt is such a harder
thing to feel than anger hurt makes us
feel vulnerable being vulnerable makes
us feel powerless and nobody wants to
feel powerless so we use anger to push
away our hurt and our sadness and our
vulnerability and in the process we end
up pushing away the people that we love
the most
angers also the kerosene of relationship
problems
poor anger onto any issue that you’re
having and watch it ignite this may be
why we can have the same argument over
and over and over again and what you
might call argument deja vu the anger
builds and feeds on itself until there’s
permanent damage or it explodes so when
you find yourself feeling angry sit down
take a deep breath and ask yourself what
am I really feeling underneath all this
anger expressing just about anything
other than frustration or anger can
bring you closer the next time your
partner disappoints and they will
instead of going on the attack imagine
saying I feel sad or I feel hurt or I
feel disappointed anything just about
anything other than anger can help you
open up let your partner in and start a
conversation instead of an argument the
second step is raising the bar which is
when you challenge yourself to be better
whether your partner is behaving well or
they’re behaving badly whether they’re
meeting your needs or they’re not
meeting your needs you take the high
road
suppose your partner’s stressed out or
they’re in their mood in a mood or
they’re being irrational hard to imagine
I know you can go down that rabbit hole
with them or you can make a different
choice
when your partner’s spinning out of
control and that’s most of us from time
to time you don’t have to catch their
crazy ball as the saying goes the
hallmark of a good relationship is when
instead of catching the crazy raise the
bar and challenge yourself to be helpful
patient caring and kind these are all
factors that research indicates make
relationships happier instead of yelling
oh my god what is wrong with you stop
take a breath imagine saying I’m so
sorry you’re upset what’s bothering you
is important to me how can I help there
is nothing to fight about if you’re
being helpful you won’t get caught in
the downward spiral if you’re
consciously raising the bar the third
and final step is using I would love it
if statements I would love it if you
would offer to help me with the
groceries I would love it if you would
tell me when I look nice I would love it
if we picked a night to be alone
together
doesn’t that sound better then you never
make time for me but a word of caution
only use I would love it in a way that’s
positive and future focused so don’t say
negative things like I would love it if
you would stop being such a jerk that’s
not positive
that’s criticism and don’t say things to
focus on the past like I would love it
if you would clean the kitchen yesterday
again that’s just criticism focus on
moving forward and being positive this
is how you set your partner and yourself
and your relationship up for success
this is how you get your needs met think
of it like this your relationship is
like a garden a garden needs water and
fertilizer and sunshine to grow and a
relationship needs connection and
communication and playfulness to blossom
when we nourish our relationship we
become a team and we build the trust and
goodwill that we’ll need to get us
through the difficult times but remember
these are self-improvement steps not
weapons so don’t for example criticize
your partner because they forgot to
raise the bar lastly these skills aren’t
for every situation and they’re not for
every couple frankly not every
relationship should survive some are
just way too unhealthy anything but
anger raising the bar and I would love
it if statements these three steps can
make you happier and can help you create
the relationship that you want and need
when we take responsibility and we value
one another our new attitude can
actually inspire our new partner to want
to do the same thing which brings me
back to my friends Ruby and Jeff I
finally found out what would happen to
Ruby so much of her anger wasn’t even
about Jeff she just wasn’t herself she
becomes stressed and fearful about other
personal family and completely non
related issues and then one day she was
watching Oprah that bad guy there
Oprah was featuring an episode that had
a entire panel of perfect impossibly
romantic men and Jeff he was a regular
normal guy
he wasn’t a romance superstar in truth
neither was Ruby nevertheless she lost
it she wanted Jeff to be just like those
men on Oprah and then she demanded that
Jeff become just like those men on Oprah
and the more she demanded guess what he
did the more he resisted and the angrier
they both became she was pushing Jeff
away just when she needed him most
things looked really bad for them but
guess which three relationship tools she
decided to try first she focused on
anything but anger instead of taking her
stress out on Jeff and and her pain and
her fears out on him she shared what was
going on with her she shared what was
underneath her anger that made him feel
closer to her and he wanted to be there
for her second she raised the bar by
showing him how much she loved and
needed him which inspired him to want to
become more romantic and because she did
such a great job with step one and step
two
she almost really didn’t even need to
use any I would love it if statements
because her love drew him to her we all
know relationships that should end we
all have friends who’ve divorced but
Ruby and Jeff that crisis long past
they’re going on thirty happy years
together and inspiring the rest of us to
do the same I hope you’ll follow their
lead and inspire your partner and
yourself to have a stronger more loving
relationship and I hope you’ll share
with others your secrets to a happier relationship with tips like this
if you’re trying to be a good person if
you want to be your best possible self
these are pretty tough times so what if
we could inspire each other especially
the people we partner with to become
more thoughtful more loving versions of
ourselves
my friends Ruby and Jeff inspired me
they always had they were charming
completely down-to-earth
good nice people and totally devoted to
each other but one day many years ago
something happened one day Ruby wanted
out I had never seen her so furious and
according to her it was all Jeff’s fault
everything was all Jeff’s fault
I deserved more she said so much more
and I thought really more from Jeff Jeff
was the guy that came home after working
a hard day’s work and made elaborate
meals for their family just because so
what had got into Ruby and what did
Oprah have to do with it oh we’re going
there but not just yet as a couple’s
counselor I hear a lot of people talk a
whole lot about how the problems in
their relationship are absolutely not
their fault when their partner’s upset
with them they say things like she’s too
sensitive or he doesn’t know what he’s
talking about when I hear things like
this I sit and I listen and I empathize
with their pain and frustration but I
know that playing the blame game never
gets anyone what they really want in
need when our relationships in trouble
were hurt and were angry we feel wounded
and misunderstood so we can’t always see
our own role and all that unhappiness we
give ourselves a free pass
then we magnify our partners every
misstep we store up all that hurt and
pain in what I call a black bag of
resentment that resentment is a
relationship killer the bigger the bag
the more we feel like a victim and the
area we get overtime we might still be a
couple but we’re no longer a team we
become opponents in a war that has no
winner
to stop being a victim we have to let go
of that heavy black bags release our
pain and send it out into the universe
take responsibility for our mistakes and
apologize for the unhappiness that we
have caused that’s not easy
letting go involves changing the story
that we tell ourselves and admitting to
being part of the problem and the
solution so how do we do that so many
relationship problems actually have very
little to do with the relationship
itself research tells us that the less
stress we have the happier our
relationships the problem is we mix that
up all the time instead of seeing that
our own unhappiness put stress in our
relationship we blame our relationship
for our unhappiness we get mad then we
try to get even then we wonder why
things go badly these three steps can
help step number one anything but anger
step number two raising the bar and step
number three I would love it if
statements to remember step number one
anything but anger or ABA for short
think about the 70s band ABBA you know
they do dancing queen because they have
Plus at least for me it’s hard to
imagine being angry listening to ABBA
I mean it’s Abba angers also like the
bodyguard of emotions when we’re angry
we protect ourselves from feeling hurt
that’s because hurt is such a harder
thing to feel than anger hurt makes us
feel vulnerable being vulnerable makes
us feel powerless and nobody wants to
feel powerless so we use anger to push
away our hurt and our sadness and our
vulnerability and in the process we end
up pushing away the people that we love
the most
angers also the kerosene of relationship
problems
poor anger onto any issue that you’re
having and watch it ignite this may be
why we can have the same argument over
and over and over again and what you
might call argument deja vu the anger
builds and feeds on itself until there’s
permanent damage or it explodes so when
you find yourself feeling angry sit down
take a deep breath and ask yourself what
am I really feeling underneath all this
anger expressing just about anything
other than frustration or anger can
bring you closer the next time your
partner disappoints and they will
instead of going on the attack imagine
saying I feel sad or I feel hurt or I
feel disappointed anything just about
anything other than anger can help you
open up let your partner in and start a
conversation instead of an argument the
second step is raising the bar which is
when you challenge yourself to be better
whether your partner is behaving well or
they’re behaving badly whether they’re
meeting your needs or they’re not
meeting your needs you take the high
road
suppose your partner’s stressed out or
they’re in their mood in a mood or
they’re being irrational hard to imagine
I know you can go down that rabbit hole
with them or you can make a different
choice
when your partner’s spinning out of
control and that’s most of us from time
to time you don’t have to catch their
crazy ball as the saying goes the
hallmark of a good relationship is when
instead of catching the crazy raise the
bar and challenge yourself to be helpful
patient caring and kind these are all
factors that research indicates make
relationships happier instead of yelling
oh my god what is wrong with you stop
take a breath imagine saying I’m so
sorry you’re upset what’s bothering you
is important to me how can I help there
is nothing to fight about if you’re
being helpful you won’t get caught in
the downward spiral if you’re
consciously raising the bar the third
and final step is using I would love it
if statements I would love it if you
would offer to help me with the
groceries I would love it if you would
tell me when I look nice I would love it
if we picked a night to be alone
together
doesn’t that sound better then you never
make time for me but a word of caution
only use I would love it in a way that’s
positive and future focused so don’t say
negative things like I would love it if
you would stop being such a jerk that’s
not positive
that’s criticism and don’t say things to
focus on the past like I would love it
if you would clean the kitchen yesterday
again that’s just criticism focus on
moving forward and being positive this
is how you set your partner and yourself
and your relationship up for success
this is how you get your needs met think
of it like this your relationship is
like a garden a garden needs water and
fertilizer and sunshine to grow and a
relationship needs connection and
communication and playfulness to blossom
when we nourish our relationship we
become a team and we build the trust and
goodwill that we’ll need to get us
through the difficult times but remember
these are self-improvement steps not
weapons so don’t for example criticize
your partner because they forgot to
raise the bar lastly these skills aren’t
for every situation and they’re not for
every couple frankly not every
relationship should survive some are
just way too unhealthy anything but
anger raising the bar and I would love
it if statements these three steps can
make you happier and can help you create
the relationship that you want and need
when we take responsibility and we value
one another our new attitude can
actually inspire our new partner to want
to do the same thing which brings me
back to my friends Ruby and Jeff I
finally found out what would happen to
Ruby so much of her anger wasn’t even
about Jeff she just wasn’t herself she
becomes stressed and fearful about other
personal family and completely non
related issues and then one day she was
watching Oprah that bad guy there
Oprah was featuring an episode that had
a entire panel of perfect impossibly
romantic men and Jeff he was a regular
normal guy
he wasn’t a romance superstar in truth
neither was Ruby nevertheless she lost
it she wanted Jeff to be just like those
men on Oprah and then she demanded that
Jeff become just like those men on Oprah
and the more she demanded guess what he
did the more he resisted and the angrier
they both became she was pushing Jeff
away just when she needed him most
things looked really bad for them but
guess which three relationship tools she
decided to try first she focused on
anything but anger instead of taking her
stress out on Jeff and and her pain and
her fears out on him she shared what was
going on with her she shared what was
underneath her anger that made him feel
closer to her and he wanted to be there
for her second she raised the bar by
showing him how much she loved and
needed him which inspired him to want to
become more romantic and because she did
such a great job with step one and step
two
she almost really didn’t even need to
use any I would love it if statements
because her love drew him to her we all
know relationships that should end we
all have friends who’ve divorced but
Ruby and Jeff that crisis long past
they’re going on thirty happy years
together and inspiring the rest of us to
do the same I hope you’ll follow their
lead and inspire your partner and
yourself to have a stronger more loving
relationship and I hope you’ll share
with others your secrets to a happier relationship with tips like this
Please follow and like us: