[Music]
it was a day just like any other day and
I had stopped at the grocery store on my
way to work to pick up a few things for
lunch in the checkout line in front of
me
swayed a gentleman who had a 40 ounce
bottle of beer in his hand I was
mesmerised the following day I would be
graduating a two-year program from my
own drug and alcohol addiction the
checker
announced two dollars and nine cents and
yes I remember the gentlemen reached
into his pocket swaying pulled out
change put it onto the conveyor belt and
continued to count out two dollars and
nine cents in pennies nickels dimes and
quarters this was surreal to me the
checker took the bottle of beer put it
in a brown bag handed it back to the
gentleman who clutched it and with his
head to the floor headed towards the
door and disappeared from my life
forever it was at that moment that I
realized that there was chatter going on
going on amongst the checkers and it
seems that what I had just witnessed was
dirt and dirts early morning ritual this
was the nickname that they gave this
gentleman dirt was then again this
morning dirt didn’t look so good dirt
didn’t smell so good and dirt will be
back tomorrow
now I drove there in my car and I paid
for my items with dollar bills and I was
headed to work and later that evening I
would be going home but would it
surprise them to know the two years
prior to walking into that grocery store
I didn’t look or behave much differently
than the man they called dirt should I
stand up for my fellow at it should I
tell them I’m dirt you’re talking to
dirt as they try to engage me into this
conversation should I be judging them as
harshly as they judged the gentleman
named dirt it was that day that had such
a profound effect on me I can remember
it as if it happened this morning that I
made the decision that I must recover
outloud being an anonymous is a mistake
how is the community supposed to
understand addiction if I don’t tell my
story how is the community supposed to
see that it happens recovery happens if
I don’t tell my story I’m really
fortunate I entered into a treatment
program like I mentioned before was
highly recommended by the state of
Colorado by the way those are my people
anyway I entered a treatment program and
I received a sheet of paper and that
sheet of paper read principles of
recovery and it said things on it like
be a member
slip step slow and steady avoid your
triggers but at the top of the page read
something so loud to me it spoke so
deeply to my heart that I knew I should
not take this piece of paper shove it in
a notebook and put it in a drawer
forever forwards don’t feed your
monsters easy cool right
Terry be nice to Terry and you be nice
to you it’s kind of difficult though the
longer I stay in recovery
the longer I know that we all have
monsters my hope today is that I can
share the process with you and that we
can all recover out loud like I
mentioned I was really lucky I was in
this class that gave me a really cool
sheet of paper came with a set of
instructions the instructions goes
something like this
an activating event creates an automatic
thought also known as your monster that
creates a feeling or an emotion that
creates an action or a reaction
resulting in a consequence and a
consequence can be negative or positive
and so let’s go over that one more time
because it’s kind of confusing and the
beautiful thing about this model is that
you can work at frontwards and backwards
and they’ll demonstrate activating event
it was Saturday morning it was beautiful
out I woke up I made myself a cup of
coffee and it excited to watch the news
or Facebook or whatever you guys want to
call that I got my phone out I opened up
Facebook and I started to scroll oh cool
cool Jenny made a pot roast Jenny’s a
great cook Ron and Mark in a
relationship love duck face duck there’s
my boyfriend so cute love duck face duck
face duck face TED talk they’re taking
applications for a TED talk I know a
couple of ladies who did a TED talk last
year and they’re amazing and I want to
do a TED talk I think I got some things
to share duck face duck face
duckface I put my phone down and later
that day I noticed that I’m not feeling
well not physically so much but
emotionally feeling a little sad and I’m
feeling a little defeated and like I
mentioned before and keep mentioning I’m
really lucky but I know if I’m feeling a
certain kind of way
I must have fed a monster and a little
bit about our monsters we call them
automatic thoughts for a reason their
messages that we send to ourselves daily
and they’re killers and they’re conning
and they’re baffling and they happen so
fast that we sometimes can’t catch them
I’ve been doing this for 13 years
somewhere I’ve fed my monster I decide
to go back and take a look at the
morning and see what happened how come I
don’t feel so good today when I go wake
up I made the coffee I got a great house
I’m having a good morning I got on the
phone the internet Facebook Ted Ted made
me feel bad that’s ridiculous right I
didn’t even know what Ted was I know
that if I’m feeling a certain kind of
way I need to take a look at my
responsibilities Ted can’t make me feel
any kind of way so I take a moment to
reflect I fed my monster I told myself
that I wasn’t good enough I told myself
that I wasn’t smart enough and I told
myself that I would fail these are my
monsters and I know them like the back
of my hand and like I said I’ve been
doing this for 13 years
so don’t be too hard on yourself if
every once in a while you feed your
monster if you don’t like a situation
you change it right so I go back take my
phone out open up Facebook duck face
duck face where is at duck face mark and
Todd it’s complicated so only been two
hours
what’s going on angry boyfriend there it
is
Ted talk don’t feed your monsters here
you’re amazing you know what you want to
say you want to help people you want to
be a bigger help a bigger cause open
push open I look at the application it’s
easy I know the answers to all of these
questions this is me I know what I want
to talk about I fill it out on my phone
I push sent I’m feeling great I’m having
a great day I didn’t feed my monster and
where do our monsters come from why do
we have monsters like I mentioned
they’re automatic thoughts and they
happen so rapidly and so bright so
quickly that we don’t catch them so this
would suggest that we’ve been doing this
for a very long time old messages old
tapes I’m fortunate I know where my
monsters come from I grew up with an
alcoholic father who was severely
abusive and in some pretty important
times in my life from the ages of 11 to
13 I was bullied every day I was told
you’re not pretty you’re ugly your
hair’s gross I don’t like your pants
what kind of shoes do you have on you
followed me in school and then they
followed me home and at some times they
had their older brother or sister be on
the corner and threatened to beat me up
I really go home to the alcoholic father
who was mean to my mom and I would start
all over again the next day
some of us would say boy it sure makes
sense why you would use drugs and
alcohol
right and it does but I don’t want to
live like that anymore I don’t want to
use that as an excuse and I will be
darned if I let a group of seventh grade
girls keep me from being here with you
if you don’t like a situation change it
if you can’t change its situation change
how you feel about it if you can’t
change how you feel about it because
let’s face it there are some things that
happen but you be perfectly appropriate
to be angry or sad about we must
practice radical acceptance my hope for
you is that you can go back to the place
identify your monsters embrace them let
them go with love and kindness and live
your best life I am brave I am
vulnerable and I am beautiful
you are brave you are vulnerable
and you are beautiful I am learning and
I am change you are learning and you are
changed I am recovering out loud I am grateful and I am
it was a day just like any other day and
I had stopped at the grocery store on my
way to work to pick up a few things for
lunch in the checkout line in front of
me
swayed a gentleman who had a 40 ounce
bottle of beer in his hand I was
mesmerised the following day I would be
graduating a two-year program from my
own drug and alcohol addiction the
checker
announced two dollars and nine cents and
yes I remember the gentlemen reached
into his pocket swaying pulled out
change put it onto the conveyor belt and
continued to count out two dollars and
nine cents in pennies nickels dimes and
quarters this was surreal to me the
checker took the bottle of beer put it
in a brown bag handed it back to the
gentleman who clutched it and with his
head to the floor headed towards the
door and disappeared from my life
forever it was at that moment that I
realized that there was chatter going on
going on amongst the checkers and it
seems that what I had just witnessed was
dirt and dirts early morning ritual this
was the nickname that they gave this
gentleman dirt was then again this
morning dirt didn’t look so good dirt
didn’t smell so good and dirt will be
back tomorrow
now I drove there in my car and I paid
for my items with dollar bills and I was
headed to work and later that evening I
would be going home but would it
surprise them to know the two years
prior to walking into that grocery store
I didn’t look or behave much differently
than the man they called dirt should I
stand up for my fellow at it should I
tell them I’m dirt you’re talking to
dirt as they try to engage me into this
conversation should I be judging them as
harshly as they judged the gentleman
named dirt it was that day that had such
a profound effect on me I can remember
it as if it happened this morning that I
made the decision that I must recover
outloud being an anonymous is a mistake
how is the community supposed to
understand addiction if I don’t tell my
story how is the community supposed to
see that it happens recovery happens if
I don’t tell my story I’m really
fortunate I entered into a treatment
program like I mentioned before was
highly recommended by the state of
Colorado by the way those are my people
anyway I entered a treatment program and
I received a sheet of paper and that
sheet of paper read principles of
recovery and it said things on it like
be a member
slip step slow and steady avoid your
triggers but at the top of the page read
something so loud to me it spoke so
deeply to my heart that I knew I should
not take this piece of paper shove it in
a notebook and put it in a drawer
forever forwards don’t feed your
monsters easy cool right
Terry be nice to Terry and you be nice
to you it’s kind of difficult though the
longer I stay in recovery
the longer I know that we all have
monsters my hope today is that I can
share the process with you and that we
can all recover out loud like I
mentioned I was really lucky I was in
this class that gave me a really cool
sheet of paper came with a set of
instructions the instructions goes
something like this
an activating event creates an automatic
thought also known as your monster that
creates a feeling or an emotion that
creates an action or a reaction
resulting in a consequence and a
consequence can be negative or positive
and so let’s go over that one more time
because it’s kind of confusing and the
beautiful thing about this model is that
you can work at frontwards and backwards
and they’ll demonstrate activating event
it was Saturday morning it was beautiful
out I woke up I made myself a cup of
coffee and it excited to watch the news
or Facebook or whatever you guys want to
call that I got my phone out I opened up
Facebook and I started to scroll oh cool
cool Jenny made a pot roast Jenny’s a
great cook Ron and Mark in a
relationship love duck face duck there’s
my boyfriend so cute love duck face duck
face duck face TED talk they’re taking
applications for a TED talk I know a
couple of ladies who did a TED talk last
year and they’re amazing and I want to
do a TED talk I think I got some things
to share duck face duck face
duckface I put my phone down and later
that day I noticed that I’m not feeling
well not physically so much but
emotionally feeling a little sad and I’m
feeling a little defeated and like I
mentioned before and keep mentioning I’m
really lucky but I know if I’m feeling a
certain kind of way
I must have fed a monster and a little
bit about our monsters we call them
automatic thoughts for a reason their
messages that we send to ourselves daily
and they’re killers and they’re conning
and they’re baffling and they happen so
fast that we sometimes can’t catch them
I’ve been doing this for 13 years
somewhere I’ve fed my monster I decide
to go back and take a look at the
morning and see what happened how come I
don’t feel so good today when I go wake
up I made the coffee I got a great house
I’m having a good morning I got on the
phone the internet Facebook Ted Ted made
me feel bad that’s ridiculous right I
didn’t even know what Ted was I know
that if I’m feeling a certain kind of
way I need to take a look at my
responsibilities Ted can’t make me feel
any kind of way so I take a moment to
reflect I fed my monster I told myself
that I wasn’t good enough I told myself
that I wasn’t smart enough and I told
myself that I would fail these are my
monsters and I know them like the back
of my hand and like I said I’ve been
doing this for 13 years
so don’t be too hard on yourself if
every once in a while you feed your
monster if you don’t like a situation
you change it right so I go back take my
phone out open up Facebook duck face
duck face where is at duck face mark and
Todd it’s complicated so only been two
hours
what’s going on angry boyfriend there it
is
Ted talk don’t feed your monsters here
you’re amazing you know what you want to
say you want to help people you want to
be a bigger help a bigger cause open
push open I look at the application it’s
easy I know the answers to all of these
questions this is me I know what I want
to talk about I fill it out on my phone
I push sent I’m feeling great I’m having
a great day I didn’t feed my monster and
where do our monsters come from why do
we have monsters like I mentioned
they’re automatic thoughts and they
happen so rapidly and so bright so
quickly that we don’t catch them so this
would suggest that we’ve been doing this
for a very long time old messages old
tapes I’m fortunate I know where my
monsters come from I grew up with an
alcoholic father who was severely
abusive and in some pretty important
times in my life from the ages of 11 to
13 I was bullied every day I was told
you’re not pretty you’re ugly your
hair’s gross I don’t like your pants
what kind of shoes do you have on you
followed me in school and then they
followed me home and at some times they
had their older brother or sister be on
the corner and threatened to beat me up
I really go home to the alcoholic father
who was mean to my mom and I would start
all over again the next day
some of us would say boy it sure makes
sense why you would use drugs and
alcohol
right and it does but I don’t want to
live like that anymore I don’t want to
use that as an excuse and I will be
darned if I let a group of seventh grade
girls keep me from being here with you
if you don’t like a situation change it
if you can’t change its situation change
how you feel about it if you can’t
change how you feel about it because
let’s face it there are some things that
happen but you be perfectly appropriate
to be angry or sad about we must
practice radical acceptance my hope for
you is that you can go back to the place
identify your monsters embrace them let
them go with love and kindness and live
your best life I am brave I am
vulnerable and I am beautiful
you are brave you are vulnerable
and you are beautiful I am learning and
I am change you are learning and you are
changed I am recovering out loud I am grateful and I am
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