I was the CEO of a large religious
nonprofit the host of a national
television show I preached in mega
churches I was a successful
well-educated white American male the
poet and mystic Thomas Merton said it’s
a difficult thing to climb to the top of
the ladder of success only to realize
when you get there that your ladders
been leaning against the wrong wall I
knew from the time I was three or four
years of age I was transgender in my
naivete I thought I got to choose I
thought a gender fairy would arrive and
say okay the time has come
but alas no gender fairy arrived so I
just lived my life I didn’t hate being a
boy I just knew I wasn’t one went to
college got married had kids built a
career but the call toward authenticity
has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm
and eventually decisions have to be made
so I came out as transgender and I lost
all of my jobs I had never had a bad
review and I lost every single job in 21
states you can’t be fired for being
transgender but in all 50 you can be
fired if you’re transgender and you work
for a religious corporation good to know
it’s not easy being a transgender woman
people sometimes ask do you feel 100%
like a woman and I say well if you’ve
talked to one transgender person you’ve
talked to exactly one transgender person
I can’t speak for anybody else I feel
100% like a transgender woman there are
things a cisgender woman knows I will
never know that said I am learning a lot
about what it means to be a female and
I’m learning a lot about my former
gender I have the unique experience of
having lived life from both sides and
I’m here to tell you the differences are
massive
so I’ll start with the small stuff like
the pockets on women’s jeans
[Applause]
she had put a phone in there paper clip
maybe or the sizing of women’s clothing
do the numbers mean anything what is a
double zero and ladies I doubt you’ve
thought about this but do you know there
is never a time in the life of a male
that he has to worry about whether or
not an article of his clothing is
accidentally going to drop into the
toilet not a long sweater not a belt
nothing
never even a passing thought no I I get
my hair cut about half as often as I
used to but it costs ten times as much
so I can go on vacation or I can get my
hair cut I cannot do both I keep bumping
into gender differences everywhere I go
sometimes literally I’m walking down the
hallway and I just bump into it there’s
nothing in the way and I just bump into
it I think what’s that about and I know
it’s gonna leave a bruise because now
that my skin is thinner I have bruises
absolutely everywhere how I experience
my sexuality is profoundly different
it’s less visual and more holistic less
of a body experience and more of a being
experience I cannot count the number of
times I’ve said to Kathy my former wife
I am so so sorry
I just didn’t know what I didn’t know
there is no way a well-educated white
male can understand how much the culture
is tilted in his favor there’s no way he
can understand it because it’s all he’s
ever known and all he ever will know and
conversely there’s no way that a woman
can understand the full import of that
because being a female is all she’s ever
known she might have an inkling that
she’s working twice as hard for half as
much but she has no idea how much harder
it is for her if it is for the guy in
the Brooks Brothers jacket in the office
across the hall I know I was that guy
and I thought I was one of the good guys
sensitive to women egalitarian then came
the first time I ever flew as a female
now I’ve flown over 2.3 million miles
with American Airlines
I know my way around an airplane an
American was great through my transition
but that does not mean their passengers
were the first time I flew is Paula I
was going from Denver to Charlotte and I
got to the plane and there was stuff in
my seat so I picked it up to put my
stuff down and a guy said that’s my
stuff I said okay but it’s in my seat so
I’ll just hold it for you until you find
your seat and then I’ll give it to you
he said lady that is my seat I said yeah
actually it’s not it’s my seat 1d 1d but
I’ll be glad to hold your stuff until
you find your seat he said what do I
have to tell you that is my seat I said
yeah it’s not
at which point the guy behind me said
lady would you take your effing argument
elsewhere so I can get in the air
airplane I was absolutely stunned I had
never been treated like that as a male I
would have said I believe that’s my seat
and the guy immediately would have
looked at his boarding pass and said oh
I’m sorry I know that because it
happened all the time the flight
attendant took our boarding passes she
said to the guy sir you’re in 1c she is
in 1d I put his stuff down in 1c he said
not one single word and of course you
know who was next to me in 1f mister
would you take your effing argument
elsewhere so my friend Karen who works
for American came on the plane to get
the pilot his paperwork she left and
waved goodbye when I got to Charlotte
she called me she said Paula what
happened you were as white as a sheet I
told her and she said yeah welcome to
the world of women now the truth is I
will not live long enough to lose my
male privilege I brought it with me when
I transitioned a lot of decades of being
a man but that doesn’t mean I don’t see
my power diminishing let me tell you
another thing I’ve observed apparently
since I became a female I have become
stupid
yeah I guess it’s the loss of
testosterone and the arrival of estrogen
that has caused me to lose the brain
cells necessary to be a fully
functioning adult human either that or
I’m as smart as I ever was it’s just now
I’m constantly being subjected to men’s
blaming so I was in my local Denver bike
shop and a young summer employee said
can I help
and I said yeah can the frame of an
older Gary Fisher mountain bike start to
flex and Bend enough that it cause of
the rear brake to rub
he said well disc brakes need regular
adjustments I said I know that and in
fact I do my reg brake adjustments he
said oh well then your rotors brimmed
it’s bent
I said yeah my rotors not bent I know a
bent rotor with condescension he said
well what do you want me to do I said
you could answer my question
at which point Kyle the manager of the
shop stepped in he’s such a sweetheart
he said I think you’re probably right
let me ask you a question do you only
get a chirp coming from that rear brake
when you’re pulling hard uphill I said
yes exactly he said yeah that’s frame
fatigue I wanted to fall at the feet of
Kyle and call him blessed someone was
taking me seriously this happens all the
time now I have to go 3 or 4 rounds with
someone before I get a direct answer and
there’s a deeper issue the more you’re
treated as if you don’t know what you’re
talking about the more you begin to
question whether or not you do in fact
know what you’re talking about
right
I understand a woman’s tendency to doubt
herself had you ever notice if a woman
is in a meeting with a group of men and
she knows she’s right she apologizes for
it she says I’m sorry but I don’t think
those numbers add up you know you don’t
have to apologize for being right since
I’m new to this gender I asked my good
friend Jen I said what are women looking
for and men she said women are looking
for men who will honor our uniqueness
who realize our gifting is not lesser
it’s not weaker it’s just different it
is in fact more comprehensive and it’s
essential no of course there are men who
do honor women lots of them like my good
friend and fellow pastor Mark who always
draws out the best in me and then seems
to take pleasure in watching me lead we
need more men like Mark who are willing
to honor and empower women I know I’m
gonna keep bumping into additional
differences on this journey but let me
let me leave you with this to the women
I offer my heartfelt thanks I often feel
like an interloper a late arrival to the
serious work of womanhood but you show
me Grace and great mercy I want you to
know you are far more capable than you
realize you are more powerful than you
know and you reflect the best parts of
what it means to be fully human and –
you guys are probably feeling more than
a little bit uncomfortable right now
I do understand I never thought I had
privilege but I did and so do you what
can you do you can believe us when we
tell you that we might we might have
equality but we do not have equity it is
not a level playing field it never has
been
you can be a part of the solution by
elevating us to equal footing you
uniquely have that power and to all of
us do you know who I think about a lot I
think about my brown skinned daughter
and my brown skinned daughter-in-law
what do they know that I’m clueless
about what do any of us really know
about the shoes in which we have never
walked it’s hard being a woman it’s hard
being a transgender woman as a man I
just didn’t know what I didn’t know
would I do it all again because the call
toward authenticity is sacred it’s holy
it’s for the greater good for 45 years
my father was a fundamentalist pastor my
mother is even more conservative
when I came out as transgender they
rejected me I thought I would never
speak to them again last January I took
a chance and called my dad on his
birthday and he took my call we talked
for about a half hour and about a month
later I asked if I could come for a
visit and they said yes and last spring
I had a delightfully redemptive 3 hour
visit with them I’ve met with him twice
since but that date toward the end of
the conversation that first day my
father said a number of precious things
as I stood to go he said
as I stood to go he said Paula
he said Paulo I don’t understand this
but I am willing to try my father is 93
years old and he’s willing to try what
more could I ask I hugged him so tightly
one man willing to give up his power
because he knew what he knew that he
loved his child and he was willing to do
whatever it takes to honor the journey
of another thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
nonprofit the host of a national
television show I preached in mega
churches I was a successful
well-educated white American male the
poet and mystic Thomas Merton said it’s
a difficult thing to climb to the top of
the ladder of success only to realize
when you get there that your ladders
been leaning against the wrong wall I
knew from the time I was three or four
years of age I was transgender in my
naivete I thought I got to choose I
thought a gender fairy would arrive and
say okay the time has come
but alas no gender fairy arrived so I
just lived my life I didn’t hate being a
boy I just knew I wasn’t one went to
college got married had kids built a
career but the call toward authenticity
has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm
and eventually decisions have to be made
so I came out as transgender and I lost
all of my jobs I had never had a bad
review and I lost every single job in 21
states you can’t be fired for being
transgender but in all 50 you can be
fired if you’re transgender and you work
for a religious corporation good to know
it’s not easy being a transgender woman
people sometimes ask do you feel 100%
like a woman and I say well if you’ve
talked to one transgender person you’ve
talked to exactly one transgender person
I can’t speak for anybody else I feel
100% like a transgender woman there are
things a cisgender woman knows I will
never know that said I am learning a lot
about what it means to be a female and
I’m learning a lot about my former
gender I have the unique experience of
having lived life from both sides and
I’m here to tell you the differences are
massive
so I’ll start with the small stuff like
the pockets on women’s jeans
[Applause]
she had put a phone in there paper clip
maybe or the sizing of women’s clothing
do the numbers mean anything what is a
double zero and ladies I doubt you’ve
thought about this but do you know there
is never a time in the life of a male
that he has to worry about whether or
not an article of his clothing is
accidentally going to drop into the
toilet not a long sweater not a belt
nothing
never even a passing thought no I I get
my hair cut about half as often as I
used to but it costs ten times as much
so I can go on vacation or I can get my
hair cut I cannot do both I keep bumping
into gender differences everywhere I go
sometimes literally I’m walking down the
hallway and I just bump into it there’s
nothing in the way and I just bump into
it I think what’s that about and I know
it’s gonna leave a bruise because now
that my skin is thinner I have bruises
absolutely everywhere how I experience
my sexuality is profoundly different
it’s less visual and more holistic less
of a body experience and more of a being
experience I cannot count the number of
times I’ve said to Kathy my former wife
I am so so sorry
I just didn’t know what I didn’t know
there is no way a well-educated white
male can understand how much the culture
is tilted in his favor there’s no way he
can understand it because it’s all he’s
ever known and all he ever will know and
conversely there’s no way that a woman
can understand the full import of that
because being a female is all she’s ever
known she might have an inkling that
she’s working twice as hard for half as
much but she has no idea how much harder
it is for her if it is for the guy in
the Brooks Brothers jacket in the office
across the hall I know I was that guy
and I thought I was one of the good guys
sensitive to women egalitarian then came
the first time I ever flew as a female
now I’ve flown over 2.3 million miles
with American Airlines
I know my way around an airplane an
American was great through my transition
but that does not mean their passengers
were the first time I flew is Paula I
was going from Denver to Charlotte and I
got to the plane and there was stuff in
my seat so I picked it up to put my
stuff down and a guy said that’s my
stuff I said okay but it’s in my seat so
I’ll just hold it for you until you find
your seat and then I’ll give it to you
he said lady that is my seat I said yeah
actually it’s not it’s my seat 1d 1d but
I’ll be glad to hold your stuff until
you find your seat he said what do I
have to tell you that is my seat I said
yeah it’s not
at which point the guy behind me said
lady would you take your effing argument
elsewhere so I can get in the air
airplane I was absolutely stunned I had
never been treated like that as a male I
would have said I believe that’s my seat
and the guy immediately would have
looked at his boarding pass and said oh
I’m sorry I know that because it
happened all the time the flight
attendant took our boarding passes she
said to the guy sir you’re in 1c she is
in 1d I put his stuff down in 1c he said
not one single word and of course you
know who was next to me in 1f mister
would you take your effing argument
elsewhere so my friend Karen who works
for American came on the plane to get
the pilot his paperwork she left and
waved goodbye when I got to Charlotte
she called me she said Paula what
happened you were as white as a sheet I
told her and she said yeah welcome to
the world of women now the truth is I
will not live long enough to lose my
male privilege I brought it with me when
I transitioned a lot of decades of being
a man but that doesn’t mean I don’t see
my power diminishing let me tell you
another thing I’ve observed apparently
since I became a female I have become
stupid
yeah I guess it’s the loss of
testosterone and the arrival of estrogen
that has caused me to lose the brain
cells necessary to be a fully
functioning adult human either that or
I’m as smart as I ever was it’s just now
I’m constantly being subjected to men’s
blaming so I was in my local Denver bike
shop and a young summer employee said
can I help
and I said yeah can the frame of an
older Gary Fisher mountain bike start to
flex and Bend enough that it cause of
the rear brake to rub
he said well disc brakes need regular
adjustments I said I know that and in
fact I do my reg brake adjustments he
said oh well then your rotors brimmed
it’s bent
I said yeah my rotors not bent I know a
bent rotor with condescension he said
well what do you want me to do I said
you could answer my question
at which point Kyle the manager of the
shop stepped in he’s such a sweetheart
he said I think you’re probably right
let me ask you a question do you only
get a chirp coming from that rear brake
when you’re pulling hard uphill I said
yes exactly he said yeah that’s frame
fatigue I wanted to fall at the feet of
Kyle and call him blessed someone was
taking me seriously this happens all the
time now I have to go 3 or 4 rounds with
someone before I get a direct answer and
there’s a deeper issue the more you’re
treated as if you don’t know what you’re
talking about the more you begin to
question whether or not you do in fact
know what you’re talking about
right
I understand a woman’s tendency to doubt
herself had you ever notice if a woman
is in a meeting with a group of men and
she knows she’s right she apologizes for
it she says I’m sorry but I don’t think
those numbers add up you know you don’t
have to apologize for being right since
I’m new to this gender I asked my good
friend Jen I said what are women looking
for and men she said women are looking
for men who will honor our uniqueness
who realize our gifting is not lesser
it’s not weaker it’s just different it
is in fact more comprehensive and it’s
essential no of course there are men who
do honor women lots of them like my good
friend and fellow pastor Mark who always
draws out the best in me and then seems
to take pleasure in watching me lead we
need more men like Mark who are willing
to honor and empower women I know I’m
gonna keep bumping into additional
differences on this journey but let me
let me leave you with this to the women
I offer my heartfelt thanks I often feel
like an interloper a late arrival to the
serious work of womanhood but you show
me Grace and great mercy I want you to
know you are far more capable than you
realize you are more powerful than you
know and you reflect the best parts of
what it means to be fully human and –
you guys are probably feeling more than
a little bit uncomfortable right now
I do understand I never thought I had
privilege but I did and so do you what
can you do you can believe us when we
tell you that we might we might have
equality but we do not have equity it is
not a level playing field it never has
been
you can be a part of the solution by
elevating us to equal footing you
uniquely have that power and to all of
us do you know who I think about a lot I
think about my brown skinned daughter
and my brown skinned daughter-in-law
what do they know that I’m clueless
about what do any of us really know
about the shoes in which we have never
walked it’s hard being a woman it’s hard
being a transgender woman as a man I
just didn’t know what I didn’t know
would I do it all again because the call
toward authenticity is sacred it’s holy
it’s for the greater good for 45 years
my father was a fundamentalist pastor my
mother is even more conservative
when I came out as transgender they
rejected me I thought I would never
speak to them again last January I took
a chance and called my dad on his
birthday and he took my call we talked
for about a half hour and about a month
later I asked if I could come for a
visit and they said yes and last spring
I had a delightfully redemptive 3 hour
visit with them I’ve met with him twice
since but that date toward the end of
the conversation that first day my
father said a number of precious things
as I stood to go he said
as I stood to go he said Paula
he said Paulo I don’t understand this
but I am willing to try my father is 93
years old and he’s willing to try what
more could I ask I hugged him so tightly
one man willing to give up his power
because he knew what he knew that he
loved his child and he was willing to do
whatever it takes to honor the journey
of another thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
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