[Applause]
Tennessee Williams once told us there
comes a time when you look into the
mirror and you realize that what you see
is all you’ll ever be and then you
accept it or you kill yourself or you
stop looking in mirrors and speaking of
mirrors someone else once said if we
spend too much time scrutinizing what’s
in our rearview mirror we’re certain to
crash into a light post I’ve spent the
last four years of my life studying
people who look in mirrors rearview and
otherwise in their search for
self-awareness I wanted to know what
self-awareness really is where it comes
from why we need it and how to get more
of it my research team surveyed
quantitatively thousands of people we
analyzed nearly 800 scientific studies
and we conducted dozens of in-depth
interviews with people who made dramatic
improvements in their self-awareness now
initially we were actually so worried
that we wouldn’t find any of these
people that we called them
self-awareness unicorns true but thank
goodness we did find them because what
these unicorns taught me would create a
groundbreaking revelation for how all of
us can find genuine self-awareness and
that’s what I want to share with you
today I want you to reflect on how
you’re reflecting I know that’s a
mouthful and to get there we’re going to
need to shatter one of the most widely
held beliefs about finding
self-awareness but first things first
what is this thing we call
self-awareness anyway it’s the ability
to see ourselves clearly to understand
who we are how others see us and how we
fit into the world
self-awareness gives us power we might
not always like what we see but there’s
a comfort in knowing ourselves and
there’s actually a ton of research
showing that people who are self-aware
are more fulfilled they have stronger
relationships they’re more creative
they’re more confident and better
communicators they’re less likely to lie
cheat and steal they perform better at
work and are more promotable and there
are more effective leaders with more
profitable companies in the world of
self-awareness there are two types of
people those who think they’re
self-aware and those who actually are
it’s true my team has found that 95% of
people think they’re self-aware but the
real number it’s closer to 10 to 15
percent you know what this means don’t
you
it means that on a good day on a good
day 80 percent of us are lying to
ourselves about whether we’re lying to
ourselves pretty scary right so you can
imagine the challenge we had and
figuring out who was truly self-aware
what do you think would have happened if
I had said hey how self-aware are you
exactly
so to be part of our research our
unicorns had to clear four hurdles they
had to believe they were self-aware as
measured by an assessment my team
developed and validated using that same
assessment someone who knew them well
had to agree they had to believe that
they’d increase their self-awareness in
their life and the person rating them
had to agree we found 50 people out of
hundreds and hundreds and hundreds who
met our criteria they were professionals
on
preneur artists students stay-at-home
parents and we didn’t find any patterns
by industry age gender or any other
demographic characteristic these
unicorns help my team discover a most
surprising truth that approach you’re
using to examine your thoughts your
feelings and your motives
you know introspection well you’re
probably doing it there’s no easy way to
say this you’re probably doing it
totally wrong yes there is a reason so
few of us are self-aware so let me tell
you about the evening that I first
discovered the ugly truth about
introspection it was about 10:00 p.m. on
a beautiful Colorado spring evening and
I was in my office hopped up on diet
coke and smart food popcorn and I had
just analyzed a set of data and to say
that I was surprised would be an
understatement
my team and I had just run a simple
study looking at the relationship
between introspection and things like
happiness stress and job satisfaction
naturally the people who introspected
would be better off wouldn’t you think
so our data told the exact opposite
story people who introspected were more
stressed and depressed less satisfied
with their jobs and their relationships
less in control of their lives I had no
idea what was going on and it got worse
these negative consequences increased
the more they introspected so I was
quite confused later that week I ended
up coming across a 20 year old study
that looked at how widowers adjusted to
life without their partners the
researchers found that those who tried
to understand the meaning of their loss
were how
beer less depressed one month later but
one year later were more depressed they
were fixated on what happened instead of
moving forward have you been there
I have self-analysis can trap us in a
mental hell of our own making so things
were starting to make sense now you die
hard self-awareness fans and
particularly introspection fans in the
audience might be thinking sure
introspection may be depressing but it’s
worth it because of the insight it
produces and you’re right I am NOT here
today to tell you that the pursuit of
self-awareness is a waste of time not at
all I am here to tell you that the way
you’re pursuing it doesn’t work here’s
the surprising reality thinking about
ourselves isn’t related to knowing
ourselves so to understand this let’s
look at the most common introspective
question why we might be searching for
the cause of a bad mood why am I so
upset up to that fight with my friend or
we might be questioning our beliefs why
don’t I believe in the death penalty or
we might be trying to understand a
negative outcome why did I choke in that
meeting unfortunately when we ask why it
doesn’t lead us towards the truth about
ourselves it leads us away from it there
are so many reasons this is the case
today I’ll give you two here’s the first
reason we shouldn’t ask why researchers
have found that no matter how hard we
try we can’t excavate our unconscious
thoughts feelings and motives and
because so much is hidden from our
conscious awareness we end up inventing
answers that feel true but are often
very wrong
let me give you an example psychologist
Timothy Wilson and Richard Nisbett set
up a card table outside their local
Myers thrifty store in Ann Arbor
Michigan and on that card table they
laid out four identical pairs of
pantyhose and they asked the people
walking by to pick their favorite now
consumer consumer research shows that
people tend to prefer products on the
right and that’s exactly what happened
even though every pair was identical
people chose pair D at a rate of 4 to 1
and when asked why they had chosen the
pair they had they confidently declared
that pair D was just better and even get
this even when the researchers told them
about the effect of positioning they
refused to believe it
the second reason asking why is a bad
idea is that it leads us away from our
true nature we like to think of our
brains as super computers rationally
analyzing information and arriving at
accurate conclusions unfortunately
that’s not what happens let’s do a quick
exercise that’s based on another classic
psychology study so if I were to ask you
to make a list of all the reasons your
romantic relationship was going the way
it was what would you say let’s say that
in general your relationship is pretty
awesome but let’s just pretend that
yesterday you happen to get in a huge
fight about the proper way to load the
dishwasher
really bad now because of something
called the recency effect this is gonna
carry an unfair amount of weight you
might start thinking of things like I am
so sick of his mansplaining or you might
think why the hell does it matter so
much how I load the dishwasher and
before you know it you’re thinking your
relationship isn’t going so well
asking why created alternative facts and
overtime this leads us away from who we
really are it clouds our self
perceptions so you might be wondering if
asking why makes us depress
overconfidence and wrong it’s probably
not going to increase our self-awareness
but don’t worry I am NOT here today to
tell you to stop thinking about
yourselves I am here to tell you to
start doing it just a little bit
differently so if we shouldn’t ask why
then what should we ask do you remember
our self-awareness unicorn’s when we
looked at how they approached
introspection we found the answer
we analyzed literally hundreds of pages
of transcripts and we saw a very clear
pattern although the word why appeared
less than 150 times the word what
appeared more than a thousand times let
me give you a few examples Nathan a
brand manager got a terrible performance
review from his new boss instead of
asking why are we like oil and water
he asked what can I do to show her I’m
the best person for this job it changed
everything
people now point to Nathan and his boss
as proof that polar opposites can work
together Sara
an education leader was diagnosed with
breast cancer
in her late 40s and when she asked why
me she said it felt like a death
sentence so then she asked what’s most
important to me
this helped her to find what she wanted
her life to look like and whatever time
she had left
she’s now cancer-free and more focused
on the relationships that mean the most
to her Jose an entertainment industry
veteran hated his job and instead of
getting stuck what most of us would do
and ask why do I feel so terrible he
asked what are the situations that make
me feel terrible and what do they have
in common he quickly realized that he
would never be happy in his job and it
gave him the courage to pursue a new and
far more fulfilling career path as a
wealth manager so these are just three
examples of dozens of unicorns that
asked what instead of why do I have any
Nathan’s
or Sarah’s or Jose’s in the room I’ll
add one more Tasha
so earlier this year I published a book
about all of this which I am so proud of
but one day for some unknown reason I
did what every author is never supposed
to do I read my Amazon reviews
and you guys it was devastating
I asked why are people being so mean to
me about a book that I spent thousands
of hours researching and wrote to make
their lives better right I fell into a
spiral of self-loathing it was honestly
one of the low points of my life a
couple of weeks went by and it dawned on
me that maybe I should take my own
advice
so I tried a different question I asked
what about all those people who were
telling me that my book has helped them
change their lives what a different
outcome so no I wasn’t doing it right
either this is not an easy world is it
not at all
she knows what y’all know but I have
seen I’ve seen so much evidence that
self-awareness gives us a much better
shot at finding happiness and success in
this crazy world to start we just need
to change one simple word change why to
what why questions trap us in that
rearview mirror what questions move us
forward to our future as human beings we
are blessed with the ability to
understand who we are
what we want to contribute and the kind
of life we want to lead remember our
self-awareness unicorn’s had nothing in
common except a belief in the importance
of self-awareness and a daily commitment
to developing it that means we can all
be unicorns the search for
self-awareness never ever stops life
goes on it’s up to us to choose to learn
and grow from our mistakes and our
tragedies and our successes one of the
best quotes I’ve ever heard on this
subject is from Rumi he said yesterday I
was clever so I wanted to change the
world today I’m wise so I’m changing
myself thank you very much
[Applause]
Tennessee Williams once told us there
comes a time when you look into the
mirror and you realize that what you see
is all you’ll ever be and then you
accept it or you kill yourself or you
stop looking in mirrors and speaking of
mirrors someone else once said if we
spend too much time scrutinizing what’s
in our rearview mirror we’re certain to
crash into a light post I’ve spent the
last four years of my life studying
people who look in mirrors rearview and
otherwise in their search for
self-awareness I wanted to know what
self-awareness really is where it comes
from why we need it and how to get more
of it my research team surveyed
quantitatively thousands of people we
analyzed nearly 800 scientific studies
and we conducted dozens of in-depth
interviews with people who made dramatic
improvements in their self-awareness now
initially we were actually so worried
that we wouldn’t find any of these
people that we called them
self-awareness unicorns true but thank
goodness we did find them because what
these unicorns taught me would create a
groundbreaking revelation for how all of
us can find genuine self-awareness and
that’s what I want to share with you
today I want you to reflect on how
you’re reflecting I know that’s a
mouthful and to get there we’re going to
need to shatter one of the most widely
held beliefs about finding
self-awareness but first things first
what is this thing we call
self-awareness anyway it’s the ability
to see ourselves clearly to understand
who we are how others see us and how we
fit into the world
self-awareness gives us power we might
not always like what we see but there’s
a comfort in knowing ourselves and
there’s actually a ton of research
showing that people who are self-aware
are more fulfilled they have stronger
relationships they’re more creative
they’re more confident and better
communicators they’re less likely to lie
cheat and steal they perform better at
work and are more promotable and there
are more effective leaders with more
profitable companies in the world of
self-awareness there are two types of
people those who think they’re
self-aware and those who actually are
it’s true my team has found that 95% of
people think they’re self-aware but the
real number it’s closer to 10 to 15
percent you know what this means don’t
you
it means that on a good day on a good
day 80 percent of us are lying to
ourselves about whether we’re lying to
ourselves pretty scary right so you can
imagine the challenge we had and
figuring out who was truly self-aware
what do you think would have happened if
I had said hey how self-aware are you
exactly
so to be part of our research our
unicorns had to clear four hurdles they
had to believe they were self-aware as
measured by an assessment my team
developed and validated using that same
assessment someone who knew them well
had to agree they had to believe that
they’d increase their self-awareness in
their life and the person rating them
had to agree we found 50 people out of
hundreds and hundreds and hundreds who
met our criteria they were professionals
on
preneur artists students stay-at-home
parents and we didn’t find any patterns
by industry age gender or any other
demographic characteristic these
unicorns help my team discover a most
surprising truth that approach you’re
using to examine your thoughts your
feelings and your motives
you know introspection well you’re
probably doing it there’s no easy way to
say this you’re probably doing it
totally wrong yes there is a reason so
few of us are self-aware so let me tell
you about the evening that I first
discovered the ugly truth about
introspection it was about 10:00 p.m. on
a beautiful Colorado spring evening and
I was in my office hopped up on diet
coke and smart food popcorn and I had
just analyzed a set of data and to say
that I was surprised would be an
understatement
my team and I had just run a simple
study looking at the relationship
between introspection and things like
happiness stress and job satisfaction
naturally the people who introspected
would be better off wouldn’t you think
so our data told the exact opposite
story people who introspected were more
stressed and depressed less satisfied
with their jobs and their relationships
less in control of their lives I had no
idea what was going on and it got worse
these negative consequences increased
the more they introspected so I was
quite confused later that week I ended
up coming across a 20 year old study
that looked at how widowers adjusted to
life without their partners the
researchers found that those who tried
to understand the meaning of their loss
were how
beer less depressed one month later but
one year later were more depressed they
were fixated on what happened instead of
moving forward have you been there
I have self-analysis can trap us in a
mental hell of our own making so things
were starting to make sense now you die
hard self-awareness fans and
particularly introspection fans in the
audience might be thinking sure
introspection may be depressing but it’s
worth it because of the insight it
produces and you’re right I am NOT here
today to tell you that the pursuit of
self-awareness is a waste of time not at
all I am here to tell you that the way
you’re pursuing it doesn’t work here’s
the surprising reality thinking about
ourselves isn’t related to knowing
ourselves so to understand this let’s
look at the most common introspective
question why we might be searching for
the cause of a bad mood why am I so
upset up to that fight with my friend or
we might be questioning our beliefs why
don’t I believe in the death penalty or
we might be trying to understand a
negative outcome why did I choke in that
meeting unfortunately when we ask why it
doesn’t lead us towards the truth about
ourselves it leads us away from it there
are so many reasons this is the case
today I’ll give you two here’s the first
reason we shouldn’t ask why researchers
have found that no matter how hard we
try we can’t excavate our unconscious
thoughts feelings and motives and
because so much is hidden from our
conscious awareness we end up inventing
answers that feel true but are often
very wrong
let me give you an example psychologist
Timothy Wilson and Richard Nisbett set
up a card table outside their local
Myers thrifty store in Ann Arbor
Michigan and on that card table they
laid out four identical pairs of
pantyhose and they asked the people
walking by to pick their favorite now
consumer consumer research shows that
people tend to prefer products on the
right and that’s exactly what happened
even though every pair was identical
people chose pair D at a rate of 4 to 1
and when asked why they had chosen the
pair they had they confidently declared
that pair D was just better and even get
this even when the researchers told them
about the effect of positioning they
refused to believe it
the second reason asking why is a bad
idea is that it leads us away from our
true nature we like to think of our
brains as super computers rationally
analyzing information and arriving at
accurate conclusions unfortunately
that’s not what happens let’s do a quick
exercise that’s based on another classic
psychology study so if I were to ask you
to make a list of all the reasons your
romantic relationship was going the way
it was what would you say let’s say that
in general your relationship is pretty
awesome but let’s just pretend that
yesterday you happen to get in a huge
fight about the proper way to load the
dishwasher
really bad now because of something
called the recency effect this is gonna
carry an unfair amount of weight you
might start thinking of things like I am
so sick of his mansplaining or you might
think why the hell does it matter so
much how I load the dishwasher and
before you know it you’re thinking your
relationship isn’t going so well
asking why created alternative facts and
overtime this leads us away from who we
really are it clouds our self
perceptions so you might be wondering if
asking why makes us depress
overconfidence and wrong it’s probably
not going to increase our self-awareness
but don’t worry I am NOT here today to
tell you to stop thinking about
yourselves I am here to tell you to
start doing it just a little bit
differently so if we shouldn’t ask why
then what should we ask do you remember
our self-awareness unicorn’s when we
looked at how they approached
introspection we found the answer
we analyzed literally hundreds of pages
of transcripts and we saw a very clear
pattern although the word why appeared
less than 150 times the word what
appeared more than a thousand times let
me give you a few examples Nathan a
brand manager got a terrible performance
review from his new boss instead of
asking why are we like oil and water
he asked what can I do to show her I’m
the best person for this job it changed
everything
people now point to Nathan and his boss
as proof that polar opposites can work
together Sara
an education leader was diagnosed with
breast cancer
in her late 40s and when she asked why
me she said it felt like a death
sentence so then she asked what’s most
important to me
this helped her to find what she wanted
her life to look like and whatever time
she had left
she’s now cancer-free and more focused
on the relationships that mean the most
to her Jose an entertainment industry
veteran hated his job and instead of
getting stuck what most of us would do
and ask why do I feel so terrible he
asked what are the situations that make
me feel terrible and what do they have
in common he quickly realized that he
would never be happy in his job and it
gave him the courage to pursue a new and
far more fulfilling career path as a
wealth manager so these are just three
examples of dozens of unicorns that
asked what instead of why do I have any
Nathan’s
or Sarah’s or Jose’s in the room I’ll
add one more Tasha
so earlier this year I published a book
about all of this which I am so proud of
but one day for some unknown reason I
did what every author is never supposed
to do I read my Amazon reviews
and you guys it was devastating
I asked why are people being so mean to
me about a book that I spent thousands
of hours researching and wrote to make
their lives better right I fell into a
spiral of self-loathing it was honestly
one of the low points of my life a
couple of weeks went by and it dawned on
me that maybe I should take my own
advice
so I tried a different question I asked
what about all those people who were
telling me that my book has helped them
change their lives what a different
outcome so no I wasn’t doing it right
either this is not an easy world is it
not at all
she knows what y’all know but I have
seen I’ve seen so much evidence that
self-awareness gives us a much better
shot at finding happiness and success in
this crazy world to start we just need
to change one simple word change why to
what why questions trap us in that
rearview mirror what questions move us
forward to our future as human beings we
are blessed with the ability to
understand who we are
what we want to contribute and the kind
of life we want to lead remember our
self-awareness unicorn’s had nothing in
common except a belief in the importance
of self-awareness and a daily commitment
to developing it that means we can all
be unicorns the search for
self-awareness never ever stops life
goes on it’s up to us to choose to learn
and grow from our mistakes and our
tragedies and our successes one of the
best quotes I’ve ever heard on this
subject is from Rumi he said yesterday I
was clever so I wanted to change the
world today I’m wise so I’m changing
myself thank you very much
[Applause]
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