loneliness can make you depressed it can
lead to early death and it can make it
more likely that you get Alzheimer’s
disease I’m sure you would agree that
this is so interesting the fact that
loneliness can physically harm you the
problem is that more and more people are
lonely today in fact it’s almost 1 in 3
you’d think that with all of this social
media smartphones and facetiming that
allow us to get in touch with one
another instantly that we’d feel more
connected but actually the opposite is
true
we’re lonelier than ever more depressed
and anxious than ever and people are
turning to therapy and antidepressants
to cope the reason that loneliness has
such serious consequences is that the
human being is a social animal and if
it’s on its own for too long it gets
sick today I’ll be talking to you about
how to get rid of loneliness and become
happy now you don’t have to believe
anything I say just give it a try and
see if it works for you so I’m a
researcher at the University of
Cambridge studying anxiety and
depression and whenever I tell people
what I do
many times they point to themselves and
say you’ve got a case study right here
it’s almost a ritual now I say what I do
and people tell me that either they have
these conditions or they know someone
who has them and many times when you
have anxiety and depression you feel
lonely it’s hard enough dealing with say
anxiety on its own but it’s even worse
when you’re alienated
by other people because you can’t talk
to them because you feel alone so they
label you as rude or they steer clear
because they think you’re weird and so
you become lonely a little while ago I
was talking to one of my friends and she
was reflecting back on her university
experience when she started talking you
could feel the sadness in her voice when
she said that she was always lonely and
never felt like she fit in she would ask
herself what’s wrong with me and I
thought you know to have to ask yourself
this question is so painful but it’s the
question that many people who have
anxiety or who are lonely ask themselves
what’s wrong with me
so to do something about it I started
researching loneliness I became immersed
I wanted to find out how we can get rid
of it and become happy because this is
what we all want isn’t it the number one
thing that connects human-beings
together is that we all want to be happy
and free from suffering this is the
number one human desire that makes you
the same as your friends and also the
same as the people you don’t get along
with the ancient Buddhist monks used to
say that happiness and suffering are all
in the mind they’re not out there so
happiness is not out there found through
other people are objects rather it’s in
here
so if happiness and suffering are in the
mind then it follows that the causes of
happiness and suffering are also in the
mind it turns out that if you want to
stop being lonely you have to change how
you perceive the world and this is where
the difference lies between people who
are
lonely and those who aren’t people who
are lonely if something doesn’t work out
for them they say it’s their fault and
they ask themselves what’s wrong with me
but if you’re not lonely you don’t
attribute failure to yourself and
instead you look at the approach that
you took and think about other ways that
you can reach your goal of same making
friends there’s one quotes that comes to
mind the difference between humans and
mice is this so if my see something
doesn’t work out you know in those
little experiments when they’re put
through a maze
if mice see something doesn’t work out
they try something else but humans will
go back to doing the same thing they’ve
always done and repeat their mistakes so
how can we stop repeating our mistakes
change and become happy
these next two tips are key and I will
share them with you the first strategy
to get rid of loneliness is to start
talking with as many people as you can
now I know you’ve heard advice like get
out there and meet people go to events
because this is how you get rid of
loneliness but let’s be honest such
opportunities are limited because it’s
hard to go to places alone just to meet
people it’s forced not natural how many
times though do you go to the grocery
store or a coffee shop which is a much
more realistic scenario because it’s
part of your weekly routine and how many
times have you been asked something
let’s say directions out on the street
and instead of just answering the
question you also initiated a small
conversation
or ask the person something about
themselves like are you just visiting or
what city are you from think about how
different your day might be if you did
that this can also introduce you to new
friends when you least expect it and you
begin to network with people everywhere
you go so start talking with as many
people as possible and especially the
ones that you normally wouldn’t talk to
because these are often the ones that we
come into contact with on an almost
daily basis these are people like the
bus driver the cashier the person
preparing your sandwich at your local
deli if you do this this will really
make a difference the second way to get
rid of loneliness is to share about
yourself you might say you’re doing
everything you can you’re asking
questions which is good for establishing
that initial connection but it’s still
not working out and you’re not creating
the kinds of connections that you want
to the ones that are meaningful that’s
because when people are lonely they tend
to disclose less about themselves when
they talk to others they reciprocate
less so if you want to take your
interactions to a whole new level and
create connections that are real with
people then you have to share about
yourself and open up tell stories about
yourself say what you like what you
think for example if you’re talking to
somebody and they think social media is
a great idea but you think that actually
it’s doing more harm than good it kind
of you feel a little bit down when
you’re looking at other people’s
pictures of their
perfect holidays the food that they’re
eating and perfect jobs that they have
then say what you think believe it or
not when we take the risk to say exactly
to see what’s really on our minds that’s
when we create connections that are real
and meaningful with people and people
want to come back to us now I’d like to
go back to the story about my friend who
was very lonely and would ask herself
what’s wrong with me she made it a point
to talk to everyone everywhere and to
open up
she started talking with the person
helping her out at the phone store and
when she was in a bookstore and someone
asked her what the book she was reading
was called instead of just answering the
question she talked a little bit more
she said what she thought of the book
she recommended some other ones on that
same topic and she talked about how what
she was reading tied into the work that
she was doing that day was the first day
of their friendship who would have
thought that’s just because she had made
this small resolve to talk to everyone
everywhere that this would happen that
she would make a new friends when she
least expected it so I would encourage
you all to give these strategies a try
practice using them and don’t think
about how much you’re going to change in
one week or in one month just take it
day by day I’d like to leave you with a
quote by Martin Luther King you don’t
have to see the whole staircase just
take the first step thank you [Applause]
lead to early death and it can make it
more likely that you get Alzheimer’s
disease I’m sure you would agree that
this is so interesting the fact that
loneliness can physically harm you the
problem is that more and more people are
lonely today in fact it’s almost 1 in 3
you’d think that with all of this social
media smartphones and facetiming that
allow us to get in touch with one
another instantly that we’d feel more
connected but actually the opposite is
true
we’re lonelier than ever more depressed
and anxious than ever and people are
turning to therapy and antidepressants
to cope the reason that loneliness has
such serious consequences is that the
human being is a social animal and if
it’s on its own for too long it gets
sick today I’ll be talking to you about
how to get rid of loneliness and become
happy now you don’t have to believe
anything I say just give it a try and
see if it works for you so I’m a
researcher at the University of
Cambridge studying anxiety and
depression and whenever I tell people
what I do
many times they point to themselves and
say you’ve got a case study right here
it’s almost a ritual now I say what I do
and people tell me that either they have
these conditions or they know someone
who has them and many times when you
have anxiety and depression you feel
lonely it’s hard enough dealing with say
anxiety on its own but it’s even worse
when you’re alienated
by other people because you can’t talk
to them because you feel alone so they
label you as rude or they steer clear
because they think you’re weird and so
you become lonely a little while ago I
was talking to one of my friends and she
was reflecting back on her university
experience when she started talking you
could feel the sadness in her voice when
she said that she was always lonely and
never felt like she fit in she would ask
herself what’s wrong with me and I
thought you know to have to ask yourself
this question is so painful but it’s the
question that many people who have
anxiety or who are lonely ask themselves
what’s wrong with me
so to do something about it I started
researching loneliness I became immersed
I wanted to find out how we can get rid
of it and become happy because this is
what we all want isn’t it the number one
thing that connects human-beings
together is that we all want to be happy
and free from suffering this is the
number one human desire that makes you
the same as your friends and also the
same as the people you don’t get along
with the ancient Buddhist monks used to
say that happiness and suffering are all
in the mind they’re not out there so
happiness is not out there found through
other people are objects rather it’s in
here
so if happiness and suffering are in the
mind then it follows that the causes of
happiness and suffering are also in the
mind it turns out that if you want to
stop being lonely you have to change how
you perceive the world and this is where
the difference lies between people who
are
lonely and those who aren’t people who
are lonely if something doesn’t work out
for them they say it’s their fault and
they ask themselves what’s wrong with me
but if you’re not lonely you don’t
attribute failure to yourself and
instead you look at the approach that
you took and think about other ways that
you can reach your goal of same making
friends there’s one quotes that comes to
mind the difference between humans and
mice is this so if my see something
doesn’t work out you know in those
little experiments when they’re put
through a maze
if mice see something doesn’t work out
they try something else but humans will
go back to doing the same thing they’ve
always done and repeat their mistakes so
how can we stop repeating our mistakes
change and become happy
these next two tips are key and I will
share them with you the first strategy
to get rid of loneliness is to start
talking with as many people as you can
now I know you’ve heard advice like get
out there and meet people go to events
because this is how you get rid of
loneliness but let’s be honest such
opportunities are limited because it’s
hard to go to places alone just to meet
people it’s forced not natural how many
times though do you go to the grocery
store or a coffee shop which is a much
more realistic scenario because it’s
part of your weekly routine and how many
times have you been asked something
let’s say directions out on the street
and instead of just answering the
question you also initiated a small
conversation
or ask the person something about
themselves like are you just visiting or
what city are you from think about how
different your day might be if you did
that this can also introduce you to new
friends when you least expect it and you
begin to network with people everywhere
you go so start talking with as many
people as possible and especially the
ones that you normally wouldn’t talk to
because these are often the ones that we
come into contact with on an almost
daily basis these are people like the
bus driver the cashier the person
preparing your sandwich at your local
deli if you do this this will really
make a difference the second way to get
rid of loneliness is to share about
yourself you might say you’re doing
everything you can you’re asking
questions which is good for establishing
that initial connection but it’s still
not working out and you’re not creating
the kinds of connections that you want
to the ones that are meaningful that’s
because when people are lonely they tend
to disclose less about themselves when
they talk to others they reciprocate
less so if you want to take your
interactions to a whole new level and
create connections that are real with
people then you have to share about
yourself and open up tell stories about
yourself say what you like what you
think for example if you’re talking to
somebody and they think social media is
a great idea but you think that actually
it’s doing more harm than good it kind
of you feel a little bit down when
you’re looking at other people’s
pictures of their
perfect holidays the food that they’re
eating and perfect jobs that they have
then say what you think believe it or
not when we take the risk to say exactly
to see what’s really on our minds that’s
when we create connections that are real
and meaningful with people and people
want to come back to us now I’d like to
go back to the story about my friend who
was very lonely and would ask herself
what’s wrong with me she made it a point
to talk to everyone everywhere and to
open up
she started talking with the person
helping her out at the phone store and
when she was in a bookstore and someone
asked her what the book she was reading
was called instead of just answering the
question she talked a little bit more
she said what she thought of the book
she recommended some other ones on that
same topic and she talked about how what
she was reading tied into the work that
she was doing that day was the first day
of their friendship who would have
thought that’s just because she had made
this small resolve to talk to everyone
everywhere that this would happen that
she would make a new friends when she
least expected it so I would encourage
you all to give these strategies a try
practice using them and don’t think
about how much you’re going to change in
one week or in one month just take it
day by day I’d like to leave you with a
quote by Martin Luther King you don’t
have to see the whole staircase just
take the first step thank you [Applause]
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