hello hello alright well um before we
officially begin today I want you all to
know that I’m gonna be sharing some
stories that to be completely honest
maybe a little bit difficult to hear if
anyone in the room is recovering from an
eating disorder or is unable to hear
stories of starvation purging I would
like to offer a trigger warning before
we begin I want you to know that if
that’s you I understand and I love you
and to see you and I fully respect your
decision to leave the room at this time
and to maybe watch this talk at a more
appropriate time for you alright well
now you’re super excited about what I
have to say today huh we’re going to
begin today the same way that I begin
every session on the become project app
we’re gonna take a moment to simply
check in with how we feel on the screens
here you’ll see a list of words that I
give to my clients before and after
every single session and you can choose
one of these words from the list or you
could pick a word that better describes
how your feelings like for example if I
was going to pick a word right now I’d
be like really really nervous and that
would be my word and we’re gonna take
that word hold on to it for a moment
feel it understand what it means to you
and then let it go
I found that taking time to check in
with how you feel is a really good way
to know if you’re giving your body your
soul your mind your spirit the things
that it needs and that’s something that
I learned the hard way I have been
working in fitness for about 12 years
now
for 12 years I’ve been teaching our
bodies how to move and I’ve been a lead
instructor a studio director a teacher
trainer I’ve taught all over the country
with full waitlist and now I’ve started
my own brand but for eight of those
twelve years I was living with an eating
disorder
it’s like here I was right the epitome
of health and I was secretly starving
myself or hanging my head over a toilet
and fear of food I was living in Los
Angeles at the time I had a toxic boss
at work and a toxic relationship at home
and I was at the height of my eating
disorder and every morning I would start
my day with a sugary dessert
usually a rice krispies treat for
whatever reason and three shots of
espresso and that’s all the fuel that I
would give myself for the day and one
day I went into work I taught my morning
block of classes and then I started on
my task as the studio manager and I
started to feel hungry and you have to
understand at that time the sensation of
hunger was an absolutely terrifying
feeling for me and so I decided that I
would walk to the market next door and I
would buy some grapes and when I got
these grapes it was like hunger and
malnutrition took over and I started
eating handfuls of grapes very rapidly
and the entire time that I was eating
them I was promising myself like grapes
aren’t fattening and this time you’re
gonna keep them down and within 30
minutes I was violently ill I didn’t
have to make myself throw up this time
because they came up on their own and I
will never forget holding on to the
toilet and uncontrollably purging and
crying at the fact that my body could no
longer handle even the simplest of food
I was hungry and I was starving and I
couldn’t eat and I think at this point
like most people would maybe take a sick
day and go home and rest and recover but
for me I kept thinking my afternoon
classes are starting and like the show
must go on so I peeled myself off the
bathroom floor and I splashed some cold
water on my face
and I turned on a smile for my clients
who are arriving and then for the next
two hours I coached people on how to
flatten their stomach
and trim their thighs and prepare for
bikini season which was right around the
corner and I would love to stand here
and tell you that I felt ashamed by my
deceit right like being a fitness
instructor who couldn’t stomach grapes
but I didn’t in fact like I thought that
it was normal in my mind you don’t go to
a dentist with crooked teeth and you
don’t go to a fat fitness instructor or
so I thought
the theme of this conference is showing
up which i think is a really interesting
choice of words because you can show up
for someone in a supportive way and you
can also show someone up in a divisive
way and I realize now that I was trying
to show someone up by being the
skinniest person in the room but I
wasn’t showing up for how I felt right
like yes I was showing up for how I
looked but I wasn’t showing up for what
was going on and here what the true
feeling was and in turn I was teaching
that to my clients you know the whole
idea of working out and fitness it’s
kind of an interesting concept to me
because clients will come and they’ll be
like you know I want ABS like Jada and I
want an ass like JLo and I went arms
like Jen but they don’t get those things
in one session they don’t get those
things in ten sessions and if we’re
gonna be real about it they probably
never get those things because at the
end of the day our bodies are uniquely
ours right and they don’t belong to Jada
and they don’t belong to JLo and they
don’t belong to Jen and if you hired
somebody to come and clean her house and
when they left your house was still
dirty it’s very unlikely that you would
hire them again so my thought is like
why do we give fitness instructors all
these chances and I think the reason is
because we the instructor evoke a
feeling in people the workout a surface
it’s what’s on the outside but it’s the
experience that’s internal the feeling
of strength the feeling of
accomplishment
the feeling of having someone who
believes in you the endorphin release
the ability to feel powerful even if
it’s only for a short amount of time
that is the reason why you come back for
more so now the question is why do we
stop exercising and I think that that’s
directly correlated to the motive so
it’s like I feel so fat I have to work
out and that motive came from a negative
place of self-worth and when it comes
from a negative place it creates a sense
of dread and if you’d read something for
long enough I promise you won’t want to
do it I’m really proud to stand here and
say and about four years ago my journey
to a healthier self begin and I started
by tossing my old rulebook and throwing
away in my bathroom scale and the first
thing I did was I gave myself permission
to eat dairy and meat and sugar and
carbs and even gluten and all these
things right I ate I stopped working out
with the motive to lose weight and I
started working out with the motive to
feel clear-headed and to feel centered
and to feel empowered and slowly my
mindset began to shift I stopped trying
to be body positive and instead I worked
to become body neutral meaning some days
we feel good about our body some days we
feel bad about our body but all days we
respect our body so let me ask you this
think about the last time you worked out
what was your motive and did it come
from a place of guilt and then when was
the last time that you looked at
yourself in the mirror and you didn’t
see
thing that needs fixing body dysmorphia
does not discriminate it affects people
of all sizes all colors all genders all
socioeconomic backgrounds and it’s
important to know that we have been fed
an idea for generations that says in
order to be valued as people we must
look a certain way and the saddest thing
is that no matter how much we alter our
appearance we will always find something
else that needs fixing because that’s
how they design it it’s designed so that
you cannot win together we have the
power to change that we literally have
the power to defy beauty standards by
simply celebrating who we already are
the end of each becomes session we do
two things first we once again circle
back to how we’re feeling and I want to
say that sometimes the feeling may be
the same sometimes it may be different
sometimes it may be better sometimes it
may be worse what’s important is that
it’s honest and then the second thing we
do is in an act of self-love we’d give
our shoulder a kiss so right now I would
like for you to once again choose a word
whether it’s one of the words that you
see or a word of your own take it hold
on to it for a moment and then all
together
kiss your shoulder and then let it go
thank you so much
[Applause]
you [Applause]
officially begin today I want you all to
know that I’m gonna be sharing some
stories that to be completely honest
maybe a little bit difficult to hear if
anyone in the room is recovering from an
eating disorder or is unable to hear
stories of starvation purging I would
like to offer a trigger warning before
we begin I want you to know that if
that’s you I understand and I love you
and to see you and I fully respect your
decision to leave the room at this time
and to maybe watch this talk at a more
appropriate time for you alright well
now you’re super excited about what I
have to say today huh we’re going to
begin today the same way that I begin
every session on the become project app
we’re gonna take a moment to simply
check in with how we feel on the screens
here you’ll see a list of words that I
give to my clients before and after
every single session and you can choose
one of these words from the list or you
could pick a word that better describes
how your feelings like for example if I
was going to pick a word right now I’d
be like really really nervous and that
would be my word and we’re gonna take
that word hold on to it for a moment
feel it understand what it means to you
and then let it go
I found that taking time to check in
with how you feel is a really good way
to know if you’re giving your body your
soul your mind your spirit the things
that it needs and that’s something that
I learned the hard way I have been
working in fitness for about 12 years
now
for 12 years I’ve been teaching our
bodies how to move and I’ve been a lead
instructor a studio director a teacher
trainer I’ve taught all over the country
with full waitlist and now I’ve started
my own brand but for eight of those
twelve years I was living with an eating
disorder
it’s like here I was right the epitome
of health and I was secretly starving
myself or hanging my head over a toilet
and fear of food I was living in Los
Angeles at the time I had a toxic boss
at work and a toxic relationship at home
and I was at the height of my eating
disorder and every morning I would start
my day with a sugary dessert
usually a rice krispies treat for
whatever reason and three shots of
espresso and that’s all the fuel that I
would give myself for the day and one
day I went into work I taught my morning
block of classes and then I started on
my task as the studio manager and I
started to feel hungry and you have to
understand at that time the sensation of
hunger was an absolutely terrifying
feeling for me and so I decided that I
would walk to the market next door and I
would buy some grapes and when I got
these grapes it was like hunger and
malnutrition took over and I started
eating handfuls of grapes very rapidly
and the entire time that I was eating
them I was promising myself like grapes
aren’t fattening and this time you’re
gonna keep them down and within 30
minutes I was violently ill I didn’t
have to make myself throw up this time
because they came up on their own and I
will never forget holding on to the
toilet and uncontrollably purging and
crying at the fact that my body could no
longer handle even the simplest of food
I was hungry and I was starving and I
couldn’t eat and I think at this point
like most people would maybe take a sick
day and go home and rest and recover but
for me I kept thinking my afternoon
classes are starting and like the show
must go on so I peeled myself off the
bathroom floor and I splashed some cold
water on my face
and I turned on a smile for my clients
who are arriving and then for the next
two hours I coached people on how to
flatten their stomach
and trim their thighs and prepare for
bikini season which was right around the
corner and I would love to stand here
and tell you that I felt ashamed by my
deceit right like being a fitness
instructor who couldn’t stomach grapes
but I didn’t in fact like I thought that
it was normal in my mind you don’t go to
a dentist with crooked teeth and you
don’t go to a fat fitness instructor or
so I thought
the theme of this conference is showing
up which i think is a really interesting
choice of words because you can show up
for someone in a supportive way and you
can also show someone up in a divisive
way and I realize now that I was trying
to show someone up by being the
skinniest person in the room but I
wasn’t showing up for how I felt right
like yes I was showing up for how I
looked but I wasn’t showing up for what
was going on and here what the true
feeling was and in turn I was teaching
that to my clients you know the whole
idea of working out and fitness it’s
kind of an interesting concept to me
because clients will come and they’ll be
like you know I want ABS like Jada and I
want an ass like JLo and I went arms
like Jen but they don’t get those things
in one session they don’t get those
things in ten sessions and if we’re
gonna be real about it they probably
never get those things because at the
end of the day our bodies are uniquely
ours right and they don’t belong to Jada
and they don’t belong to JLo and they
don’t belong to Jen and if you hired
somebody to come and clean her house and
when they left your house was still
dirty it’s very unlikely that you would
hire them again so my thought is like
why do we give fitness instructors all
these chances and I think the reason is
because we the instructor evoke a
feeling in people the workout a surface
it’s what’s on the outside but it’s the
experience that’s internal the feeling
of strength the feeling of
accomplishment
the feeling of having someone who
believes in you the endorphin release
the ability to feel powerful even if
it’s only for a short amount of time
that is the reason why you come back for
more so now the question is why do we
stop exercising and I think that that’s
directly correlated to the motive so
it’s like I feel so fat I have to work
out and that motive came from a negative
place of self-worth and when it comes
from a negative place it creates a sense
of dread and if you’d read something for
long enough I promise you won’t want to
do it I’m really proud to stand here and
say and about four years ago my journey
to a healthier self begin and I started
by tossing my old rulebook and throwing
away in my bathroom scale and the first
thing I did was I gave myself permission
to eat dairy and meat and sugar and
carbs and even gluten and all these
things right I ate I stopped working out
with the motive to lose weight and I
started working out with the motive to
feel clear-headed and to feel centered
and to feel empowered and slowly my
mindset began to shift I stopped trying
to be body positive and instead I worked
to become body neutral meaning some days
we feel good about our body some days we
feel bad about our body but all days we
respect our body so let me ask you this
think about the last time you worked out
what was your motive and did it come
from a place of guilt and then when was
the last time that you looked at
yourself in the mirror and you didn’t
see
thing that needs fixing body dysmorphia
does not discriminate it affects people
of all sizes all colors all genders all
socioeconomic backgrounds and it’s
important to know that we have been fed
an idea for generations that says in
order to be valued as people we must
look a certain way and the saddest thing
is that no matter how much we alter our
appearance we will always find something
else that needs fixing because that’s
how they design it it’s designed so that
you cannot win together we have the
power to change that we literally have
the power to defy beauty standards by
simply celebrating who we already are
the end of each becomes session we do
two things first we once again circle
back to how we’re feeling and I want to
say that sometimes the feeling may be
the same sometimes it may be different
sometimes it may be better sometimes it
may be worse what’s important is that
it’s honest and then the second thing we
do is in an act of self-love we’d give
our shoulder a kiss so right now I would
like for you to once again choose a word
whether it’s one of the words that you
see or a word of your own take it hold
on to it for a moment and then all
together
kiss your shoulder and then let it go
thank you so much
[Applause]
you [Applause]
Please follow and like us: