one of the greatest questionnaires in
the history of 20th century psychology
had a modest start in the pages of a
local Colorado newspaper the Rocky
Mountain News in July 1985 the work of
two University of Denver psychologists
Cindy Hassan and Phillip shaver the
questionnaire asked readers to identify
which of three statements most closely
reflected who they were in love to
hugely improve our chances of thriving
in relationships we should dare to take
the same test option a I find it
relatively easy to get close to others
and uncomfortable depending on them and
having them depend on me I don’t worry
about being abandoned or about someone
getting too close to me option B I find
that others are reluctant to get as
close as I would like I often worry that
my partner doesn’t really love me or
won’t want to stay with me I want to get
very close to my partner and this
sometimes scares people away
option C I am somewhat uncomfortable
being close to others I find it
difficult to trust them completely
difficult to allow myself to depend on
them
I’m nervous when anyone gets too close
and often others want me to be more
intimate than I feel comfortable being
which of these options applies to you a
B or C behind the scenes the options
refer to the three main styles of
relating to other people first
identified by the English psychologist
John Bowlby the inventor of attachment
theory in the 1950s and 60s option a
signals what is known as a secure
pattern of attachment whereby love and
trust come easily
option B refers to what’s known as the
anxious pattern of attachment where one
longs to be intimate with others but is
continuously scared of letdown and often
precipitates crises in relationships
through counterproductive ly aggressive
Avia option c is what is known as the
avoidant pattern of attachment where it
feels much easier to avoid the dangers
of intimacy through solitary activities
and emotional withdrawal questionnaires
in newspapers are rarely of much use but
Hassan and shavers is the momentous
exception if there is one thing we
should do to improve our relationships
it is to know ahead of time which of the
three categories we predominantly belong
to a B or C and to deploy the knowledge
in love so as to warn ourselves and
others of the traps we might fall into
we then need a little training because
half of us at least are not secure in
love we belong in the camps of either
the avoidant or the anxious and we have
to complicate matters an above-average
propensity to fall in love with someone
from the other damaged side thereby
aggravating our insecurities and
defences in the process here is a brief
list of what avoidance and anxious types
should keep in mind in their
relationships if you are an avoidant
with someone anxiously attached well
recognize the extent to which you check
out emotionally when things are intense
particularly when there is an offer of
closeness recognize how you will tend to
prefer sex and closeness with strangers
and how nervous you will be around
cuddles and kissing you probably don’t
want to keep the light on either watch
are you sabotage long-term intimacy have
compassion that you are afraid of what
you really want think back to how in
your past closeness would have been
frightening because people let you down
and observe how you adopted a strategy
of removal to protect yourself you are
hurt not bad
remind yourself that the present is
different from the past and that you are
ruining the present by bringing to it
fear Laden dynamics that don’t actually
belong there it may feel like your
partner is being aggressive and
ill-tempered with you for no reason they
are at heart upset and unable to express
their needs in any other way
they want you and that’s why they are
behaving as they are look beneath their
nagging and their accusations and
believe in their underlying goodwill
when they attack you see they’re longing
for love do that very frightening thing
extend reassurance and explain calmly
the appeal of the cave if you are an
anxious person with an avoidant partner
here are some other things to bear in
mind things are not necessarily as bad
as they seem the other person’s quiet
might just be quiet not a lack of love
their distance isn’t necessarily
meanness it might be their way of
maintaining equilibrium on the other
hand you are not demented or needy to
want more but your way of dealing with
what you legitimately need may be
aggravating things hugely you might be
triggering your partner by asking for
intimacy too directly and also probably
with too much anger realize that you
need to tread lightly and to be a little
distant in requesting closeness your
partner isn’t mean or freakish merely
damaged as a you and that’s very normal
a full forty percent of the population
are in your positions either in securely
attached or anxiously attached knowing
whether we can be classed as secure
avoidant or anxious in love should be a
basic fact we grasp about ourselves the
next step is to accept with grace that
if we are either avoidant or anxious
we’re going to need considerable
emotional schooling to get out of
scratchy patterns and stand a chance of
building up a good enough relationship
our relationships book calmly guides us
with calm and charm through the key
issues of relationships to ensure that
success in love need not be a matter of good luck for more click the link now
the history of 20th century psychology
had a modest start in the pages of a
local Colorado newspaper the Rocky
Mountain News in July 1985 the work of
two University of Denver psychologists
Cindy Hassan and Phillip shaver the
questionnaire asked readers to identify
which of three statements most closely
reflected who they were in love to
hugely improve our chances of thriving
in relationships we should dare to take
the same test option a I find it
relatively easy to get close to others
and uncomfortable depending on them and
having them depend on me I don’t worry
about being abandoned or about someone
getting too close to me option B I find
that others are reluctant to get as
close as I would like I often worry that
my partner doesn’t really love me or
won’t want to stay with me I want to get
very close to my partner and this
sometimes scares people away
option C I am somewhat uncomfortable
being close to others I find it
difficult to trust them completely
difficult to allow myself to depend on
them
I’m nervous when anyone gets too close
and often others want me to be more
intimate than I feel comfortable being
which of these options applies to you a
B or C behind the scenes the options
refer to the three main styles of
relating to other people first
identified by the English psychologist
John Bowlby the inventor of attachment
theory in the 1950s and 60s option a
signals what is known as a secure
pattern of attachment whereby love and
trust come easily
option B refers to what’s known as the
anxious pattern of attachment where one
longs to be intimate with others but is
continuously scared of letdown and often
precipitates crises in relationships
through counterproductive ly aggressive
Avia option c is what is known as the
avoidant pattern of attachment where it
feels much easier to avoid the dangers
of intimacy through solitary activities
and emotional withdrawal questionnaires
in newspapers are rarely of much use but
Hassan and shavers is the momentous
exception if there is one thing we
should do to improve our relationships
it is to know ahead of time which of the
three categories we predominantly belong
to a B or C and to deploy the knowledge
in love so as to warn ourselves and
others of the traps we might fall into
we then need a little training because
half of us at least are not secure in
love we belong in the camps of either
the avoidant or the anxious and we have
to complicate matters an above-average
propensity to fall in love with someone
from the other damaged side thereby
aggravating our insecurities and
defences in the process here is a brief
list of what avoidance and anxious types
should keep in mind in their
relationships if you are an avoidant
with someone anxiously attached well
recognize the extent to which you check
out emotionally when things are intense
particularly when there is an offer of
closeness recognize how you will tend to
prefer sex and closeness with strangers
and how nervous you will be around
cuddles and kissing you probably don’t
want to keep the light on either watch
are you sabotage long-term intimacy have
compassion that you are afraid of what
you really want think back to how in
your past closeness would have been
frightening because people let you down
and observe how you adopted a strategy
of removal to protect yourself you are
hurt not bad
remind yourself that the present is
different from the past and that you are
ruining the present by bringing to it
fear Laden dynamics that don’t actually
belong there it may feel like your
partner is being aggressive and
ill-tempered with you for no reason they
are at heart upset and unable to express
their needs in any other way
they want you and that’s why they are
behaving as they are look beneath their
nagging and their accusations and
believe in their underlying goodwill
when they attack you see they’re longing
for love do that very frightening thing
extend reassurance and explain calmly
the appeal of the cave if you are an
anxious person with an avoidant partner
here are some other things to bear in
mind things are not necessarily as bad
as they seem the other person’s quiet
might just be quiet not a lack of love
their distance isn’t necessarily
meanness it might be their way of
maintaining equilibrium on the other
hand you are not demented or needy to
want more but your way of dealing with
what you legitimately need may be
aggravating things hugely you might be
triggering your partner by asking for
intimacy too directly and also probably
with too much anger realize that you
need to tread lightly and to be a little
distant in requesting closeness your
partner isn’t mean or freakish merely
damaged as a you and that’s very normal
a full forty percent of the population
are in your positions either in securely
attached or anxiously attached knowing
whether we can be classed as secure
avoidant or anxious in love should be a
basic fact we grasp about ourselves the
next step is to accept with grace that
if we are either avoidant or anxious
we’re going to need considerable
emotional schooling to get out of
scratchy patterns and stand a chance of
building up a good enough relationship
our relationships book calmly guides us
with calm and charm through the key
issues of relationships to ensure that
success in love need not be a matter of good luck for more click the link now
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