[Music]
anyone who is working Human Services for
nearly a quarter century is going to
have a few cases that will always stick
with them for me Isaac
is one of those cases Isaac’s mother
threw him away I’m not talking
figuratively when he was an infant
Isaac was found in a trash can his
mentally ill substance addicted mother
literally threw him away now Isaac was
eventually adopted by a family who loved
him and yet as he got older and his
behaviors became more extreme they felt
they had no option but to send their son
halfway across the country to our
program that works with kids and
families struggling with attachment and
trauma now make no mistake Isaac was a
handful he was bound and determined to
push people away before they could throw
him away and yet underneath was a little
boy who more than anything wanted to be
seen as a precious gift not a piece of
trash over the years we’ve worked with a
lot of Isaac’s
and they have taught us a number of
lessons lessons that can apply to any
child in any situation now these lessons
aren’t about one style of parenting or
another they’re based on decades of
research in brain science which with
apologies to those who’ve devoted their
lives to such research I will attempt to
encapsulate in roughly 160 seconds so we
can move on to the lessons to understand
the impact of attachment and trauma it’s
important to know that there are three
basic parts of the brain the back brain
or brain stem which is to fight flight
freeze part of our brain the
midbrain or limbic system which controls
our emotions and impulses and the cortex
are the thinking and reasoning part of
our brain attachment theory helps us
understand what drives behavior in
relationships we know that the limbic
and cortex portion of a baby’s brain
need another brain to develop and the
caregiving that adults provide actually
helped shape the child’s brain so for
example when an adult responds to a
baby’s cries known as serve and receive
it impacts social emotional development
brain development is experienced
dependent every experience you have with
your child creates a pathway in the
child’s brain like a single strand of
yarn going from the child’s action to
the adults response now a single strand
may not be all that strong but when a
child gets the same response over and
over and over again that pathway becomes
stronger and harder to break or change
as a result the child sees things the
way they have seen and experienced them
before when that relationship pathway is
positive it can serve as a buffer
against traumatic experiences and
Foster’s the child’s ability to
experience stress and then return to a
now for those of you who are thinking
it’s all well and good to understand a
baby’s brain development but my child is
an adolescent I have good news the brain
has plasticity which means it can
continue to change and develop over time
based on experiences now there’s one
more concept I want to touch on and that
is during a traumatic experience where
the child thinks their own someone
else’s life is
danger the autonomic or involuntary
nervous system kicks in and signals
danger but that happens the child moves
out of the thinking part of their brain
and into the more reactive fight flight
freeze part of their brain but trauma
doesn’t just affect the brain it’s
physiological it affects our breathing
our heart rate our hearing all the major
systems of the body that’s why trauma is
a reactionary sensory experience because
in that moment the child is not in the
thinking part of their brain so it is in
this context with this very basic
understanding of how the brain works
said I would like to offer three simple
not easy but simple lessons that we have
learned from applying the brain of
science to our work with children and
their families lesson number one
relationships are primary every time you
have a positive interaction with your
child it’s like making a deposit in a
relationship bank adding another strand
to that pathway of experience our brains
are experience dependent so you need to
make a connection with your child before
you attempt correction you need to make
a deposit before you make a withdrawal
now that doesn’t mean that you should be
too soft with your child or you’ll never
have to correct them only that you want
to build that foundational pathway
that’s going to shape your child’s
response before you do you build that
foundation by regularly doing things
like looking into their eyes touching
them noticing something special about
them having fun and laughing with them
all the things you did with your child
when they were an infant now it might
look a little different assay age maybe
it’s rubbing their back or a high-five
instead of holding them maybe it’s a
wink and a smile instead of gazing into
their eyes the point is those core
NEADS don’t go away and when you have
tended those needs on a day-in day-out
basis when their relationship bank is
full then you can take a withdrawal
you can set limits say no correct their
behavior when they’re acting it
appropriately without undermining that
core relationship pathway relationships
are primary you have to build connection
before correction lesson number two all
behavior has meaning so look for what’s
going on underneath the behavior at
chanock we look for four primary
emotions mad sad glad and scared for
those of you with teenagers mad are
snarky is often a cover for sad or
scared
so when your child blows up or has a
meltdown over a seemingly little thing
look for what’s going on underneath the
behavior we do that with a baby right we
try to see what’s making them cry we
don’t just tell them that behavior is
unacceptable we check to see if they’re
hungry or thirsty or tired or scared if
you want a behavior to stop you have to
respond to the cause not react to the
symptom us also too often we expect a
cortex response when the child is in
back brain with all the corresponding
physiological responses that they may
not even be aware of so when you see
your child reacting try calmly
reflecting back to them
what you’re seeing hey you don’t usually
snap at your little sister like that did
something happen today
don’t ask what they were thinking they
probably worked
what’s wrong with you makes a judgment
keeping the child in back brain and on
the defensive what happened
builds connection and seeks to
understand all behavior has meaning look
for what’s going on underneath the
behavior and lesson number three how you
respond will shape your child’s response
so how should you respond first when you
increase structure you must increase
nurture too often we get out of balance
one way or the other
and neither extreme whether you’re too
strict or cater you to your child’s
every whim is going to get to the
optimum response next consider if you
need to reframe your response for
example when a toddler falls and scrapes
her knee have you ever noticed that
she’ll often glance to the adult before
she responds serve and receive if he
jumps up with a look of fear on their
face
the child may wail in pain but if
instead the adult calmly says oh pop up
the child might come over for her kiss
on her knee and carry on with her
playing regardless of the age of your
child how you respond will shape their
next step so if you start a conversation
with your teenager with you always or
you never do you think it’s more likely
that they will allow themselves to be
vulnerable or get defensive serve and
receive sometimes the best response in a
tense situation is to be playful and
surprising when you feel yourself
getting defensive because let’s face it
it has
try diffusing the situation with humor
do something goofy laughter gets
everyone kids as well as adults out of
back brain that doesn’t mean you don’t
go back to respond to what caused the
tense situation in the first place only
that you get everyone into the thinking
relationships are primary all behavior
has meaning and how you respond will
shape your child’s response the research
as well as work with lots of really
tough kids like Isaac have proven the
wisdom of these three lessons and I have
one more lesson for those of you who are
now cataloging every misstep you have
ever taken with your child it’s not
about perfection we know that one strand
out of place one withdrawal will not
outweigh an entire Bank of positive
experiences thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause] [Music]
anyone who is working Human Services for
nearly a quarter century is going to
have a few cases that will always stick
with them for me Isaac
is one of those cases Isaac’s mother
threw him away I’m not talking
figuratively when he was an infant
Isaac was found in a trash can his
mentally ill substance addicted mother
literally threw him away now Isaac was
eventually adopted by a family who loved
him and yet as he got older and his
behaviors became more extreme they felt
they had no option but to send their son
halfway across the country to our
program that works with kids and
families struggling with attachment and
trauma now make no mistake Isaac was a
handful he was bound and determined to
push people away before they could throw
him away and yet underneath was a little
boy who more than anything wanted to be
seen as a precious gift not a piece of
trash over the years we’ve worked with a
lot of Isaac’s
and they have taught us a number of
lessons lessons that can apply to any
child in any situation now these lessons
aren’t about one style of parenting or
another they’re based on decades of
research in brain science which with
apologies to those who’ve devoted their
lives to such research I will attempt to
encapsulate in roughly 160 seconds so we
can move on to the lessons to understand
the impact of attachment and trauma it’s
important to know that there are three
basic parts of the brain the back brain
or brain stem which is to fight flight
freeze part of our brain the
midbrain or limbic system which controls
our emotions and impulses and the cortex
are the thinking and reasoning part of
our brain attachment theory helps us
understand what drives behavior in
relationships we know that the limbic
and cortex portion of a baby’s brain
need another brain to develop and the
caregiving that adults provide actually
helped shape the child’s brain so for
example when an adult responds to a
baby’s cries known as serve and receive
it impacts social emotional development
brain development is experienced
dependent every experience you have with
your child creates a pathway in the
child’s brain like a single strand of
yarn going from the child’s action to
the adults response now a single strand
may not be all that strong but when a
child gets the same response over and
over and over again that pathway becomes
stronger and harder to break or change
as a result the child sees things the
way they have seen and experienced them
before when that relationship pathway is
positive it can serve as a buffer
against traumatic experiences and
Foster’s the child’s ability to
experience stress and then return to a
now for those of you who are thinking
it’s all well and good to understand a
baby’s brain development but my child is
an adolescent I have good news the brain
has plasticity which means it can
continue to change and develop over time
based on experiences now there’s one
more concept I want to touch on and that
is during a traumatic experience where
the child thinks their own someone
else’s life is
danger the autonomic or involuntary
nervous system kicks in and signals
danger but that happens the child moves
out of the thinking part of their brain
and into the more reactive fight flight
freeze part of their brain but trauma
doesn’t just affect the brain it’s
physiological it affects our breathing
our heart rate our hearing all the major
systems of the body that’s why trauma is
a reactionary sensory experience because
in that moment the child is not in the
thinking part of their brain so it is in
this context with this very basic
understanding of how the brain works
said I would like to offer three simple
not easy but simple lessons that we have
learned from applying the brain of
science to our work with children and
their families lesson number one
relationships are primary every time you
have a positive interaction with your
child it’s like making a deposit in a
relationship bank adding another strand
to that pathway of experience our brains
are experience dependent so you need to
make a connection with your child before
you attempt correction you need to make
a deposit before you make a withdrawal
now that doesn’t mean that you should be
too soft with your child or you’ll never
have to correct them only that you want
to build that foundational pathway
that’s going to shape your child’s
response before you do you build that
foundation by regularly doing things
like looking into their eyes touching
them noticing something special about
them having fun and laughing with them
all the things you did with your child
when they were an infant now it might
look a little different assay age maybe
it’s rubbing their back or a high-five
instead of holding them maybe it’s a
wink and a smile instead of gazing into
their eyes the point is those core
NEADS don’t go away and when you have
tended those needs on a day-in day-out
basis when their relationship bank is
full then you can take a withdrawal
you can set limits say no correct their
behavior when they’re acting it
appropriately without undermining that
core relationship pathway relationships
are primary you have to build connection
before correction lesson number two all
behavior has meaning so look for what’s
going on underneath the behavior at
chanock we look for four primary
emotions mad sad glad and scared for
those of you with teenagers mad are
snarky is often a cover for sad or
scared
so when your child blows up or has a
meltdown over a seemingly little thing
look for what’s going on underneath the
behavior we do that with a baby right we
try to see what’s making them cry we
don’t just tell them that behavior is
unacceptable we check to see if they’re
hungry or thirsty or tired or scared if
you want a behavior to stop you have to
respond to the cause not react to the
symptom us also too often we expect a
cortex response when the child is in
back brain with all the corresponding
physiological responses that they may
not even be aware of so when you see
your child reacting try calmly
reflecting back to them
what you’re seeing hey you don’t usually
snap at your little sister like that did
something happen today
don’t ask what they were thinking they
probably worked
what’s wrong with you makes a judgment
keeping the child in back brain and on
the defensive what happened
builds connection and seeks to
understand all behavior has meaning look
for what’s going on underneath the
behavior and lesson number three how you
respond will shape your child’s response
so how should you respond first when you
increase structure you must increase
nurture too often we get out of balance
one way or the other
and neither extreme whether you’re too
strict or cater you to your child’s
every whim is going to get to the
optimum response next consider if you
need to reframe your response for
example when a toddler falls and scrapes
her knee have you ever noticed that
she’ll often glance to the adult before
she responds serve and receive if he
jumps up with a look of fear on their
face
the child may wail in pain but if
instead the adult calmly says oh pop up
the child might come over for her kiss
on her knee and carry on with her
playing regardless of the age of your
child how you respond will shape their
next step so if you start a conversation
with your teenager with you always or
you never do you think it’s more likely
that they will allow themselves to be
vulnerable or get defensive serve and
receive sometimes the best response in a
tense situation is to be playful and
surprising when you feel yourself
getting defensive because let’s face it
it has
try diffusing the situation with humor
do something goofy laughter gets
everyone kids as well as adults out of
back brain that doesn’t mean you don’t
go back to respond to what caused the
tense situation in the first place only
that you get everyone into the thinking
relationships are primary all behavior
has meaning and how you respond will
shape your child’s response the research
as well as work with lots of really
tough kids like Isaac have proven the
wisdom of these three lessons and I have
one more lesson for those of you who are
now cataloging every misstep you have
ever taken with your child it’s not
about perfection we know that one strand
out of place one withdrawal will not
outweigh an entire Bank of positive
experiences thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause] [Music]
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