mother of three who died of cancer at
least that’s what they wrote on her
death certificate but when I met with
the family to arrange her funeral I
discovered the truth in situations like
these I always ask personal questions
so that I can craft a highly
personalized funeral and with Debbie’s
family I began by asking what did your
mom do for fun it’s an awesome question
the family however looked at one another
awkwardly so sensing their reticence I
probed further and I said so what did
your mom and joy what were her hobbies
what were her interests what was her
favorite thing in life at this point her
son cleared his throat and spoke words
that sent a shiver down my spine mum he
said didn’t really enjoy anything and
just before she died she told me that
she felt she’d wasted her life the pain
in that room was not that Debbie had
only lived for 52 years but that she’d
never been alive for any of them the
following day as we lured Debbie to her
final resting place I was haunted by the
words of Henry David Thoreau most men
lead lives of quiet desperation and go
to the grave with the song still in them
I went to bed that night depressed
I thought about time I thought about how
I spend it I thought about how much of
it had been stolen from me over the
years by other people by silly things by
stupid worries and I wondered how much
of it I might have left then the next
morning my alarm went off at 6 a.m.
and I found myself seeing I’m not dead I
have no idea where the thought came from
but for the rest of that day I felt
happier and more alive than I had in
years so I did an experiment every
morning I was going to greet my alarm
with this declaration of life
the instant I woke I was going to say
out loud I’m not dead I’m not dead after
doing this for about a week of the
annoying noise of my alarm became the
sound of something beautiful where I
used to hear it and groan now I hear it
and I’m instantly reminded that today is
precious and that I have no right to
waste it because one day I will be dead
and so I discovered that deliberately
thinking about my own death gave me
permission to live it lifted me out of
the boring stuff of life and reminded me
that life can never be boring
those who have been diagnosed with
cancer understand this point all too
well suddenly it hits you life is
amazing and that no day should ever go
unlived no moment should ever go
unappreciated in ancient Rome generals
who were victorious in battle would be
awarded a parade and as they rode down
the street and their chariot enjoying
the admiration of the screaming crowds a
servant would stand behind them
whispering the Latin phrase memento mori
over and over again they would see this
memento mori remember that you have to
die in other words if you will allow the
awareness of death to seep into life you
will be fully alive in this moment and
will therefore enjoy this moment all the
more then in later Europe the concept of
memento mori became a key part of art
and architecture this is why when you
visit an old church hiding somewhere
among the angels and the crucifixes
there’s all
his skulls and skeletons the most famous
example of this is the capela dos esos
the Chapel of the bones in Portugal
which as the name suggests is a church
constructed entirely from human remains
at the entrance to this odd place of
worship there’s a sign which says we
bones lying here beer a wheat yours unto
us this is unacceptably creepy but to
our forebearers it was just a visual
reminder that they were dying daily and
should therefore remember to live fully
so not long after I started my own
memento mori project I expanded it to
little things throughout the day so for
example every time I have a cup of
coffee I pause for a moment
hold it in my hands inhale deeply and
say to myself when I’m dead I can’t
drink coffee
bringing thoughts of death to something
as ordinary as coffee has increased the
enjoyment a hundredfold it has unlocked
pleasures and complexities that were
previously lost on me so recently I took
all this strangeness to its logical
conclusion and I bought myself a grave
and I visit so at the end of a difficult
stressful day I’ll go stand over my own
grave and I’ll realize today wasn’t so
sometimes when I have a difficult
decision to make
I’ll stand over my own grave and I’ll
ask myself the question do I really want
to spend my time on this project do I
really want to give my life to this
career to this employer do I really want
to be in this relationship and there’s
something about standing over your own
grave that makes the answer to these
questions crystal clear when you think
about it logically death is the only
thing that we know for certain and if
we’re going to live authentic lives of
our own choosing
it’s essential that we project our
not long ago a friend was telling me
about her five-year plan which was four
things each of which had to do with
money so she said very confidently in
the next five years I’m going to pay off
my mortgage double my business buy a
cottage and put two hundred and fifty
thousand dollars into my pension but
because I just come from taking the
funeral of a successful lawyer
I felt equally confident in saying those
are the wrong goals Susan died in her
early sixties and whatever prizes there
are to be won in this life she’d won all
of them after a career in corporate law
she had all the trappings and comforts
that you might expect so when I met with
her children to arrange her funeral I
asked them to share with me their most
important memory of their mother without
a moment’s hesitation they said Friday
nights every Friday mom would leave work
early pick us up from school and
together as a family we’d bake cookies
cookies this is what they gave me to
work with so here I was talking with
grown adults each of whom were highly
successful individuals in their own
right about their mother’s stellar
career and the first thing that comes to
their mind is a decade’s old smell
wafting out of the oven
no mention of the law practice no
mention of the million dollar homes or
of the luxury shopping trips to Paris
just a smell that stayed in their
nostrils their entire adult life I have
stood over a thousand graves
I have watched hundreds of fathers and
mothers daughters and sons being lured
to their final resting place
and I’ve noticed that there is a
discrepancy between the goals that we
set for ourselves in life
and the things that our loved ones
remember of us in death we spend our
lives desperately climbing a ladder
towards some arbitrary goal but rarely
do we ask whether it’s leaning against
the right wall but thinking about our
own death cures us of this instantly it
reveals the superficiality of life for
what it is and the more we allow death
to seep into life the more precious life
becomes and the less likely we are to
waste it on distractions death is
awesome for this it clarifies literally
everything so just for a moment imagine
the worst with me and fast forward to
the day of your own death a number of
your remaining heartbeats can now be
counted in the low thousands your
breathing is labored and difficult your
eyes are strained wide open knowing that
soon they must close forever here you
are at journey’s end completes this this
I’m lucky I get to have a front-row seat
on people’s final regrets and to me
surprise you to know that in the vast
majority of cases people regret the
things that they did not do for sure
some people regret the stuff they did
but like 90% of the time it’s always the
stuff they didn’t do the risks they
didn’t take the opportunities they
didn’t grasp the experiences they didn’t
get to have just before I came here I
got to spend time with a brave beautiful
woman who was upset at her journey’s end
because she had a huge expensive home
packed full of exquisite things but now
meant absolutely nothing to her
but she never got around to traveling
the more we think about death the
greater our chance will be of reaching
it having lived as deeply and as fully
as possible since I’ve started thinking
about my own death I’ve become more
focused I’ve discovered more energy I’m
happier and ironically more positive
than I’ve ever been
death reminds me that one day I won’t be
here and so while I am here I’m going to
enjoy it for us all there will come a
day when the pleasures and the
possibilities of life and love and
friendship and parenthood and of risking
and of creating leave us forever but for
us that day is not today today we live
and we live best by remembering that we
have to die I thank you [Applause]