[Music]
[Applause]
author Susan Cain has recently brought
introversion front and center for the
world that’s defining it as how people
respond to stimulation introverts thrive
the most when they’re allowed low-key
environments and space with their own
thoughts but for some introverts there’s
an internal conflict between less and
more the inner workings for a high
achieving introvert is the intersection
between a drive to achieve and a need
for solitude
it’s an ambition to be out there
fighting with a need to be in here it’s
having big dreams but often being
overwhelmed by them and it’s this need
to achieve when you don’t share it with
others anyways Gandhi once said in a
gentle way you can shake the world we
want to shake the world you know big way
but without trumpets or fanfare or small
talk high achievers often feel shame for
not meeting their own high expectations
of themselves or for feeling like a
fraud we can feel this rising need to
keep up with ourselves assuming that we
can and should do it on our own we can
be so focused on the future that we
forget to enjoy the present and when we
combine Drive with inner reflection it
can be a superpower or a cream create an
implosion the world today is filled with
endless options and social media facades
and this you can do anything or more is
better
narrative is not helping where I went
wrong with this you can do anything
culture is that instead of anything I
heard that we can do everything and then
slowly replaced can with the Almighty
should and I have found that this
cultural shift does not only affect high
achieving introverts in fact Millennials
report having the highest rates of
depression and anxiety of any generation
and Jen’s E is following suit so we’re
at a unique moment to examine this idea
now and
to the rest of our lives and how we
raise the next generation on a broader
scale were part of a larger subculture
of outliers banded together by this
mutual experience of feeling like the
other we begin to question what’s true
for us because what’s true for us seems
to go against the grain of what’s true
for everyone else you me we all have
inner critic voices that tell us we
aren’t enough they tell us to sit down
and play small for an introvert we may
have a whole internal board of directors
having this discussion at length and for
those addicted to achievement this is
where perfectionism breeds and where
nothing is ever enough I want to share
with you a story and some of you might
think I’m describing you and others
might be amazed to learn that other
people live this way it took me 34 years
to realize that not everyone sees the
world the same way I grew up as an honor
roll kid a total overachiever that had
to give it 150 percent
and do it myself if I wanted it to meet
my standards my drive my intrinsic
motivation always served me well at
whatever I was doing as an adult I
climbed the corporate ladder and got the
big jobs and despite my success
I felt misunderstood and drained I
always had unrealistic expectations for
myself and this weight became heavier
over time I have always been a high
achieving introvert last year I started
my own company and this drive that has
always gotten me where I was going
finally came to a tipping point for the
first time I was my own boss I was the
only person laying out the expectations
when the weight started to feel
unbearable it was the same weight I had
always felt but managed to tolerate or
ignore but now it was getting heavier
and one day it came to me
and like a lightning bolt I I had to get
a pen and paper and write down this
sentence to describe what I was
experiencing I am being crushed by the
rising expectations for greatness
because I don’t have anyone holding me
back anymore but wait let’s back up how
did I get here
my childhood was stable and secure and
frankly pretty mundane there was no
major crisis in my life no event that
turned my life upside down some people
lose a parent or have a near-death
experience before they transform into a
new person I experienced none of those
things I can hardly even remember a
minor crisis from this time in fact I
remember when my choir group handed out
funny awards to each other my peers gave
me the you don’t do anything
embarrassing enough to get an award
award
well I my parents assure me I was this
person from much younger my first
memories of the wait I felt as a high
achiever were in high school I remember
a specific instance when a teacher asked
me and looked at me and said like really
saw me and said how are you I burst into
tears because the weight was so heavy
and no one had ever looked close enough
to notice it before I remember a
contemporary dance class where the dirt
the dancers journaled whatever was on
their mind and handed it in to the
instructor who selected a personal
quality that best fit our thoughts mine
was panic from Ruth gendler’s book of
qualities panic has thick curly hair and
large frightened eyes she has worked on
too many projects meeting other people’s
deadlines panic assured no one can help
her she must sweat out these demons on
her own she’s ignoring the evidence of
her own senses in college the
continued as I was an honor scholar and
I worked three jobs I took everything so
personally because I was so hard on
myself as an adult in my career I
continued to assume that it was me that
needed to do more and be better
I was nearly incapable of celebrating
accomplishments and would plow on
through to the next thing I spent years
living close to tears much like in high
school when I buckled the minute someone
saw me as I really was I would collapse
into the pressure when someone asked me
how are you with actual intent or eye
contact I always assumed that this was
normal because it was normal for me and
then I started my own business and I
knew it would be hard because everyone
says it’s going to be but I had a
misunderstanding of how it would be hard
I thought that I was better equipped
than most and as it turns out despite
knowing how to run a business my inner
gremlins found the air that they needed
to unravel me here I was free of the
oppression of conference calls and
cubicles and direction from others and I
was stuck I was being crushed by the
rising expectations for greatness
because I didn’t have anyone holding me
back anymore I always had bosses and
company objectives with their own agenda
and when my own unrealistic expectations
no longer had a ceiling they exploded I
felt as if the conflict between my head
and my heart would destroy me how ironic
right I had everything going for me and
I was going to fail so had to unpack
this new realization for myself and
because I’m a coach the best way I know
how to do that is to ask myself some
pointed questions so I went to a cafe
and I ordered a plate of lemon ricotta
pancakes
and opened in my computer to take notes
and my internal Board of Directors and I
had a little chat this was that
conversation what am i afraid will
happen if I let go of these overwhelming
expectations that I’ve placed on myself
that I will fail no cause just myself a
totally preventable failure which makes
it a double failure they were here to
get it right the first time and then
failure to fix it when I saw the problem
I am afraid that I have held these
expectations by myself and for myself my
entire life and I cannot be successful
without them so inevitable failure
failure if I keep the expectations and
failure if I don’t scratch that
inevitable failure if I keep the
pressure but only possible failure if I
let them go or possible greatness what
would actually be the outcome of letting
go I might fail but it would be so much
lighter
so either lighter failure or total
greatness
what would letting go of these
expectations feel like it would feel
free confident like leveling up like
being the person that I’m meant to be
and that the world needs me to be it
would feel larger I reflect back on my
answers I think possible greatness how
would I know when I reached possible
greatness or total greatness next
question what is my definition of
success I do not know the answer to this
this is the hardest question of all the
world needs people who will listen and
feel and create change for the better of
humanity I think I can alter the course
of the world success would be creating
thing that alters the course of the
world for the better what would I need
to do to achieve it well face in myself
like utter belief without factual backup
I would need to live on purpose and I
would need to walk the talk this list is
just overwhelming I have a lot to do to
live into the definition of success the
waitress comes by and refills my coffee
cup with those little interruption as
possible as if she knows that I need a
minute what would I have to give up or
stop doing well the fear obviously stuff
that isn’t a hell yes being awkward
around other humans probably some
judgment about the previous three bullet
points and being attached to the outcome
and yet this list feels more challenging
than the first one
what steps could I take to unburden
myself from these intense pressures when
I feel them I could act like a scientist
who was not attached to the outcome of
the experiment I could practice bold
moves like living on purpose and
overcoming fear I could practice a
higher Hellyeah threshold I feel like
I’m trying to dig a tunnel to China with
a kid sized garden trowel like big
problems with the tiniest solutions
could this possibly be all that it takes
the answer was yes it is disarming to
realize that the rules you’ve live your
life by are wrong I felt like my whole
life was a lie
and I had to ask myself what was true
for me because my compass felt broken I
always assumed that I was successful
because of the weight
not in spite of it but what would it be
like to be a high achiever without the
weight it would feel easy and free and
without fear of what-ifs but could I be
successful without it I have lived my
whole life thinking that it was the one
thing that helped me be successful when
in reality perhaps it was the one thing
holding me back from my true greatness
if I could go back in time what would I
have wanted to know what do I wish
someone would have told me not that I
would have listened I would have wanted
to know that it was enough that I was
enough I would have wanted to know that
my value was not dependent on what I
accomplished that the fear of failure
was inevitably worse than the actual
failure and that failure guards the door
to success I have taken some critical
tangible steps to remain close to this
new mindset I read and reread the
answers to my questions to get used to
this new mindset I wrote I am enough on
my bathroom mirror and I saw it every
day I adjusted my to-do list and took
off anything that was just to have to
instead of a hell yes I allowed myself
the permission to live without fear of
what-ifs
for 90 days any time I felt the pressure
and the fear I replaced it with a new
thought that honored the present I began
to do things that were out of my comfort
zone like more impromptu speaking or
writing a bike for the first time in 15
years I started acting as if the things
that I really wanted were already
happening and you know what they did
once I started to honor this new mindset
and act accordingly
what was inevitable failure faded away
in made room for total greatness and
alignment with what really mattered the
most to me what I’ve learned
in these crucible moments is how I can
choose my future I now choose to do less
stuff and play bigger to focus on my
passions and be really good at them once
I realized failure wouldn’t slow me down
it didn’t and although I will always
have inner critics and I will always
want to achieve great things I now know
that my value is not dependent on how
much I accomplished in fact I now find
more value in the journey in the attempt
in the experience and I know that’s all
part of my curriculum to learn it starts
with awareness for your own internal
Board of Directors to discuss I’ll leave
you with three questions what is your
definition of success how do you detach
yourself from the outcome and what are
you so afraid of so to you my friends I
invite you to dig deep and find the
answers
thank you
[Applause]
[Applause]
author Susan Cain has recently brought
introversion front and center for the
world that’s defining it as how people
respond to stimulation introverts thrive
the most when they’re allowed low-key
environments and space with their own
thoughts but for some introverts there’s
an internal conflict between less and
more the inner workings for a high
achieving introvert is the intersection
between a drive to achieve and a need
for solitude
it’s an ambition to be out there
fighting with a need to be in here it’s
having big dreams but often being
overwhelmed by them and it’s this need
to achieve when you don’t share it with
others anyways Gandhi once said in a
gentle way you can shake the world we
want to shake the world you know big way
but without trumpets or fanfare or small
talk high achievers often feel shame for
not meeting their own high expectations
of themselves or for feeling like a
fraud we can feel this rising need to
keep up with ourselves assuming that we
can and should do it on our own we can
be so focused on the future that we
forget to enjoy the present and when we
combine Drive with inner reflection it
can be a superpower or a cream create an
implosion the world today is filled with
endless options and social media facades
and this you can do anything or more is
better
narrative is not helping where I went
wrong with this you can do anything
culture is that instead of anything I
heard that we can do everything and then
slowly replaced can with the Almighty
should and I have found that this
cultural shift does not only affect high
achieving introverts in fact Millennials
report having the highest rates of
depression and anxiety of any generation
and Jen’s E is following suit so we’re
at a unique moment to examine this idea
now and
to the rest of our lives and how we
raise the next generation on a broader
scale were part of a larger subculture
of outliers banded together by this
mutual experience of feeling like the
other we begin to question what’s true
for us because what’s true for us seems
to go against the grain of what’s true
for everyone else you me we all have
inner critic voices that tell us we
aren’t enough they tell us to sit down
and play small for an introvert we may
have a whole internal board of directors
having this discussion at length and for
those addicted to achievement this is
where perfectionism breeds and where
nothing is ever enough I want to share
with you a story and some of you might
think I’m describing you and others
might be amazed to learn that other
people live this way it took me 34 years
to realize that not everyone sees the
world the same way I grew up as an honor
roll kid a total overachiever that had
to give it 150 percent
and do it myself if I wanted it to meet
my standards my drive my intrinsic
motivation always served me well at
whatever I was doing as an adult I
climbed the corporate ladder and got the
big jobs and despite my success
I felt misunderstood and drained I
always had unrealistic expectations for
myself and this weight became heavier
over time I have always been a high
achieving introvert last year I started
my own company and this drive that has
always gotten me where I was going
finally came to a tipping point for the
first time I was my own boss I was the
only person laying out the expectations
when the weight started to feel
unbearable it was the same weight I had
always felt but managed to tolerate or
ignore but now it was getting heavier
and one day it came to me
and like a lightning bolt I I had to get
a pen and paper and write down this
sentence to describe what I was
experiencing I am being crushed by the
rising expectations for greatness
because I don’t have anyone holding me
back anymore but wait let’s back up how
did I get here
my childhood was stable and secure and
frankly pretty mundane there was no
major crisis in my life no event that
turned my life upside down some people
lose a parent or have a near-death
experience before they transform into a
new person I experienced none of those
things I can hardly even remember a
minor crisis from this time in fact I
remember when my choir group handed out
funny awards to each other my peers gave
me the you don’t do anything
embarrassing enough to get an award
award
well I my parents assure me I was this
person from much younger my first
memories of the wait I felt as a high
achiever were in high school I remember
a specific instance when a teacher asked
me and looked at me and said like really
saw me and said how are you I burst into
tears because the weight was so heavy
and no one had ever looked close enough
to notice it before I remember a
contemporary dance class where the dirt
the dancers journaled whatever was on
their mind and handed it in to the
instructor who selected a personal
quality that best fit our thoughts mine
was panic from Ruth gendler’s book of
qualities panic has thick curly hair and
large frightened eyes she has worked on
too many projects meeting other people’s
deadlines panic assured no one can help
her she must sweat out these demons on
her own she’s ignoring the evidence of
her own senses in college the
continued as I was an honor scholar and
I worked three jobs I took everything so
personally because I was so hard on
myself as an adult in my career I
continued to assume that it was me that
needed to do more and be better
I was nearly incapable of celebrating
accomplishments and would plow on
through to the next thing I spent years
living close to tears much like in high
school when I buckled the minute someone
saw me as I really was I would collapse
into the pressure when someone asked me
how are you with actual intent or eye
contact I always assumed that this was
normal because it was normal for me and
then I started my own business and I
knew it would be hard because everyone
says it’s going to be but I had a
misunderstanding of how it would be hard
I thought that I was better equipped
than most and as it turns out despite
knowing how to run a business my inner
gremlins found the air that they needed
to unravel me here I was free of the
oppression of conference calls and
cubicles and direction from others and I
was stuck I was being crushed by the
rising expectations for greatness
because I didn’t have anyone holding me
back anymore I always had bosses and
company objectives with their own agenda
and when my own unrealistic expectations
no longer had a ceiling they exploded I
felt as if the conflict between my head
and my heart would destroy me how ironic
right I had everything going for me and
I was going to fail so had to unpack
this new realization for myself and
because I’m a coach the best way I know
how to do that is to ask myself some
pointed questions so I went to a cafe
and I ordered a plate of lemon ricotta
pancakes
and opened in my computer to take notes
and my internal Board of Directors and I
had a little chat this was that
conversation what am i afraid will
happen if I let go of these overwhelming
expectations that I’ve placed on myself
that I will fail no cause just myself a
totally preventable failure which makes
it a double failure they were here to
get it right the first time and then
failure to fix it when I saw the problem
I am afraid that I have held these
expectations by myself and for myself my
entire life and I cannot be successful
without them so inevitable failure
failure if I keep the expectations and
failure if I don’t scratch that
inevitable failure if I keep the
pressure but only possible failure if I
let them go or possible greatness what
would actually be the outcome of letting
go I might fail but it would be so much
lighter
so either lighter failure or total
greatness
what would letting go of these
expectations feel like it would feel
free confident like leveling up like
being the person that I’m meant to be
and that the world needs me to be it
would feel larger I reflect back on my
answers I think possible greatness how
would I know when I reached possible
greatness or total greatness next
question what is my definition of
success I do not know the answer to this
this is the hardest question of all the
world needs people who will listen and
feel and create change for the better of
humanity I think I can alter the course
of the world success would be creating
thing that alters the course of the
world for the better what would I need
to do to achieve it well face in myself
like utter belief without factual backup
I would need to live on purpose and I
would need to walk the talk this list is
just overwhelming I have a lot to do to
live into the definition of success the
waitress comes by and refills my coffee
cup with those little interruption as
possible as if she knows that I need a
minute what would I have to give up or
stop doing well the fear obviously stuff
that isn’t a hell yes being awkward
around other humans probably some
judgment about the previous three bullet
points and being attached to the outcome
and yet this list feels more challenging
than the first one
what steps could I take to unburden
myself from these intense pressures when
I feel them I could act like a scientist
who was not attached to the outcome of
the experiment I could practice bold
moves like living on purpose and
overcoming fear I could practice a
higher Hellyeah threshold I feel like
I’m trying to dig a tunnel to China with
a kid sized garden trowel like big
problems with the tiniest solutions
could this possibly be all that it takes
the answer was yes it is disarming to
realize that the rules you’ve live your
life by are wrong I felt like my whole
life was a lie
and I had to ask myself what was true
for me because my compass felt broken I
always assumed that I was successful
because of the weight
not in spite of it but what would it be
like to be a high achiever without the
weight it would feel easy and free and
without fear of what-ifs but could I be
successful without it I have lived my
whole life thinking that it was the one
thing that helped me be successful when
in reality perhaps it was the one thing
holding me back from my true greatness
if I could go back in time what would I
have wanted to know what do I wish
someone would have told me not that I
would have listened I would have wanted
to know that it was enough that I was
enough I would have wanted to know that
my value was not dependent on what I
accomplished that the fear of failure
was inevitably worse than the actual
failure and that failure guards the door
to success I have taken some critical
tangible steps to remain close to this
new mindset I read and reread the
answers to my questions to get used to
this new mindset I wrote I am enough on
my bathroom mirror and I saw it every
day I adjusted my to-do list and took
off anything that was just to have to
instead of a hell yes I allowed myself
the permission to live without fear of
what-ifs
for 90 days any time I felt the pressure
and the fear I replaced it with a new
thought that honored the present I began
to do things that were out of my comfort
zone like more impromptu speaking or
writing a bike for the first time in 15
years I started acting as if the things
that I really wanted were already
happening and you know what they did
once I started to honor this new mindset
and act accordingly
what was inevitable failure faded away
in made room for total greatness and
alignment with what really mattered the
most to me what I’ve learned
in these crucible moments is how I can
choose my future I now choose to do less
stuff and play bigger to focus on my
passions and be really good at them once
I realized failure wouldn’t slow me down
it didn’t and although I will always
have inner critics and I will always
want to achieve great things I now know
that my value is not dependent on how
much I accomplished in fact I now find
more value in the journey in the attempt
in the experience and I know that’s all
part of my curriculum to learn it starts
with awareness for your own internal
Board of Directors to discuss I’ll leave
you with three questions what is your
definition of success how do you detach
yourself from the outcome and what are
you so afraid of so to you my friends I
invite you to dig deep and find the
answers
thank you
[Applause]
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