good morning everybody and you know one
thing I want to tell you about myself is
that I have been engaged in recent
conflict resolution for the last eight
years and it has significantly changed
my life and the life of the people
around me and today I bring to you the
watts and why often have you wondered
what is so strange about conflict that
makes nice good intelligent people
around us behave really why do people
suddenly change our relatives our
friends and when there is a conflict
they change they do not behave the way
they should
is it because we are different the
answer is probably yes
we come from different economic
backgrounds different value systems
different cultures different religions
so we are different now this difference
leads to disagreements this disagreement
causes a problem the problem escalates
into a dispute and when is dispute moves
into public space we have a conflict and
this conflict may or may not lead to
violence now I’m not talking of violence
as in people are fighting I’m talking of
violence as in a structural violence
there is an element of discomfort in
where we are to address this violence I
counter it with peace with peace the
violence disappears there is a
resolution of the conflict the dispute
gets addressed the problem is resolved
and the disagreement is disappearing
from the table but what remains is the
differences please no the resolution is
not about removing our differences
conflict resolution is we are different
let us address we are different let us
accept we are different but in spite of
our differences we have to live together
now is this easier said than done
there’s a scarcity of resources there is
limited amount of time money space there
is rivalry there’s only one person who
can come first there is only one job
available and naturally we’re going to
be faced with these conflicts personal
conflicts that are interpersonal am I in
a conflict right now I am I’ve been told
to stay in this red dot you know I tend
to like to move around but the conflict
this interpersonal conflict between
these I need to say within this red dot
so sometimes we do not even know we’re
in a conflict are any of you conflicted
right now are you all very comfortable
are you happy sitting where you’re
sitting are you happy sitting next to
the person you’re sitting you know maybe
these are issues we can look at in terms
of conflict that is not in the global
what do people do in a country with so
let us I’m in this thick disagreement
and in this big disagreement I go and
find somebody who’s at fault then I tell
the other people why these at fault then
I try to tell the people why am i
justified I tried to vindicate myself I
try to win friends and people who agree
with me even if they are not my friends
become my friends I want to tell the
whole world I am the victim I have been
wronged and when I’m doing this I am
able to gather people around me and I
formed my own groups no religion
religion is a big source of conflicts
and religion can pretty much come to you
in in three phases in life in birth
death and marriage so when you were born
I don’t suppose you knew much about your
religion you know I can see that again
well here but now that as you’re growing
older there’ll be people in your
families who will may be passing on and
religions will come to the fore in those
rituals you will get married and you
know you cannot no religion in marriage
now as we grow older we get connected
with our religion as we grow older we
get closer to our religion and the
closer we get you to a religion the
further away and the lesser tolerance we
become of other people’s religions and
that creates a source of conflicts you
must realize that when you argue long
enough you forget what you’re arguing
about no really the procedure taking
over the substance you heard the story
about those seven monkeys in a room
these seven monkeys in a room and you
you drop the set of bananas on top and
one of the monkeys reaches up to grab
the bananas in the moment he pulls the
bananas there’s a cold jet spray all
around
and all the monkeys freeze so the
monkeys know every touch the bananas
they’re gonna freeze now these are seven
monkeys of group a now I remove one
monkey of group a Anna introduces a
monkey of Group B now this monkey has
never been hit with coal jet spray he
gets into the room he tries to reach the
bananas the remaining monkeys get
together grab him and pull him down and
beat him up before he stashed the
bananas because they don’t want to be in
the coal jet spray but the other monkeys
having the experience of this cold
spring now I take out another monkey a
and introduce monkey b2 and this monkey
B to seize the bananas and as he grabs
out for the bananas all the monkeys get
together pull him down and beat him
including monkey b1 see monkey buing
there’s no idea why he’s eating in you
he’s never been exposed to the cold jet
spray but I’m a part of the conflict let
me just go ahead and beat it him and
this is what happens in several
international conflicts as well I mean
whether it’s me or Palestine you will
find that people have lost the focus of
why the conduct is in existence we
create stereotypes so you know I do this
workshop places and ask people that if I
say the word Englishman what are you
thinking and some of them say Englishman
drink tea now this is no they drink beer
some say Englishmen are prim and proper
the others will say no Englishmen have a
stiff upper lip
yes Father which Englishman are we
talking about it there are over 50
million of them but we have created a
stereotype our stereotype is always
simplified generalization of a group of
persons who have little knowledge of
ours we create prejudice
which is a negative hostile feeling
about persons or a group of persons
without a sufficient cause the types of
prejudice we have and if you look there
you can see some of them are fairly
obvious and some of them are very subtle
look is it now to all the men here if
you get into a little car clash with
some young pretty lady
will you be fighting your guts out and
if the same person happens to be a
shabbily dressed driver how would you
behave so our prejudice obliges us to
enter a conflict in a completely
different perspective and you have
ableism and ages of them which is very
common I’m going to see older people the
young people are competent amongst the
young people the older people are really
not capable of understanding their
generation now the ways of resolving a
conflict and probably the easiest way of
resolving a conflict when I’m having
with another person is shooting it bang
no personal conflict however we realize
that that is not the best way to go
about it because we have to live with
those people in society I intend to a
conflict with a taxi driver and I don’t
have to see him again so I just take out
all my guns and go firing away if I am
gonna have a conflict with my teacher at
college I need to resolve it in a
peaceful manner and a peace means
different things to different people in
a pieces contentious so I had this
friend of mine who was working in Bosnia
and in Bosnia there these two villages
that were firing guns at each other all
day long and the women and this is a
very good example how how women have
been involved in peace building and
conflict resolution the women got
together and said to the women of the
other side and said can you stop the
rocket shelling for one hour just stop
it for one hour so we can go out collect
water wash our clothes look
the children and the women of the other
side said okay we will tell our men not
just do shelling for one hour that one
hour became two three four or five and
ultimately they were shelling each other
for one hour now is that piece in the
context the answers probably yes if I
look at peace even more different
pleading and I could tell you this this
incident about my my another friend it
was working in Papua New Guinea and
Papua New Guinea this place of the other
side of the Equator for those of you are
not aware and the population is
approximately one the number of
languages spoken in India is 1600 the
number of languages spoken in Papua New
Guinea is 800 with a population of only
seven million now there are conflicts
there and if one was to take water from
another tribe area the two would fight
and they would naturally kill and each
the body so my friend working there
after several years in the late 1990s
said that after several years of working
all we could convince him to do was not
eat the body but kill they must
so you see species contextual I mean
I’ll be at peace right now maybe yes
maybe no there could be different kind
of violence is the thing a role here the
do’s and don’ts of conflict resolution
or resolving a conflict first express
yourself talk to the other person convey
your feelings do you think you’re
vulnerable do you think you appear
vulnerable vulnerable is sexy no you
will get the other person to talk to you
the other person is not a mind-reader it
has to hear you
second listen in it listening is an
important part of conversation
listen acknowledge say yes I heard you I
acknowledge your pain
and when you’re listening look for
people who agree with you more
importantly look for opposition I enter
a boat meeting and I say this is my
proposal and 10 people raise their hands
and say hey that’s wonderful
but the three who did not raise their
hand are the people who I will be in
conflict with although they didn’t
disagree with me they are the opposition
address that issue so once you feel that
you have expressed your need need is met
by the other side you are in a
comfortable zone you can solve the
conflict if your need is not amenities
let’s see how we could take the conflict
forward and there young people here let
me take an example of any one of you and
father right so father says I’m allowing
you to go out but you have to be back by
12 o’clock midnight and you’re saying
dude you know we go out at 11:00
so how’s this really gonna work the
father says you need to be back home by
12 when I was young I was home by 12
same but ha you know what’s that got to
do with my life say dad this is my
lighting father says this is my house so
we got an issue the issue is what is the
problem the position my solution to the
problem I will go out come and what main
father says if you go out stay out
adopted positions if I want all this
let me ask why is my father saying such
a thing
what is his interest is this interesting
can I tell my father my interest is to
have a good time
can these two interests coexist can I
have a good time and still be safe the
answers probably yes can I tell my
father let’s create options so can I
tell you that I will not take the car
maybe maybe I’ll call you every half an
hour and say hello dad
checking in I’m alive
do you want the telephone numbers of the
n number of friends on width would you
like to know where I am I mean even
except for taking your father with you
know you can offer these kind of options
is it possible that these options would
satisfy the people’s needs what do we
land up doing we take a position the
position is this is what I am going to
do never ever do that leave a door open
leave a door open for the person you on
conflict with to enter leave a door open
for you to exist if you can’t leave a
door open leave a window open do not
take a position from which your ego gets
smashed if you step down now do people
get angry yes do you get angry when
people get angry yes should you get
angry when people get angry no or mostly
because people get angry they don’t know
what else to do that’s why they get
angry anger is a natural reaction and
when if they get angry and you get angry
can you ever resolve a conflict the
answer is no be creative be flexible and
when I say be creative you know if I go
to a priest and telling him oh you know
can I can i smoke while I pray and he
will say no definitely not but if you
ask him him can I pray while I smoke I
need to tell you yes son that’s a good
idea you should do that so it all
depends on how you present the matter
how you create the listening and be
flexible be creative humanize the other
person the other person is a human being
with certain needs certain desires
certain morals certain principles if you
objectifies him and you say he’s an
object it’s easy to hate him it’s very
difficult to bring him on the
conflict-resolution table
do not label a person as incompetent
selfish untrustworthy when you label a
person you are addressing his
personality and not the issue the issue
has to be addressed the interests have
to be discovered the position need not
to be taken and options have to be
explored never operate with power see
father is very easy father says this is
what I’m gonna do and can you resolve
the issue with power you probably will
have to obey but the power doesn’t
resolve the conflict in the long okay in
case you don’t you speak to the
Israelites between the Israelis and the
Palestinians naturally anybody will tell
you the Israelis are more powerful and
about three weeks back I met this
Palestine in lady anis the Israelis are
more powerful than you and she said no
we are more powerful we have fought for
six years we will fight one another 60
more so there’s a cost of keeping a
population in subjugation there’s a cost
of keep leaning there’s a cost to the
father of keeping a teenage son or
daughter in subjugation apply standards
when resolving conflicts and I’ll tell
you when and imperfect peace is always
better than a perfect war can I
absolutely resolve conflicts answer is
nor can i resolve conflicts and live
peacefully for the rest of my life
answer is no conflicts are like a sand
dune the moment I crossed one there’s a
next one so I could learn the talent of
resolving conflicts so I would like to
conduct terror by telling you is that we
teach lesser by what we say we teach
less by what we do but we teach the best
by the we are address the issue yourself
build up a psyche of peace and once you
build up psyche of peace you will change
your thinking you change your thinking
you will change your emotion you change
your emotion you will change your world
and you change your words you will change your action thank you