I’m standing outside my car crying my
son Arthur is inside the car awake wide
awake I can’t get him to sleep even at
nine months old he isn’t sleeping more
than two hours in a row and he won’t
sleep in his own bed
I am chronically sleep-deprived driving
him around is the only thing I could
think of doing but I don’t trust myself
to get into the car I’m crying too hard
I sob I cry because I just lost my
and screamed at my nine month old I cry
because even though I have sixteen years
of experience in Social Work and a bunch
of academic degrees I can’t get my baby
to sleep I cry because this tiny human
placed in my care needs the best version
of me and I giving him the worst keep
looking around at all the other moms who
seem to have it all together and they’re
actually happy and I wonder what is
wrong with me I tell myself to suck it
up stop being such a wimp but I can’t
find a way out of this darkness that is
both anger and despair it’s self
loathing and shame my husband pulls into
the driveway and he sees me standing
there all I can do is blurt out some
blubbery mess of a story about how there
must be something horribly wrong with
our threaten there is definitely
definitely something up about me
has been simply he doesn’t tell me I’m
acting crazy he doesn’t turn around and
walk away or ignore me and this complete
meltdown
I made a bid for connection and he
turned toward me today I want to share
with you how I trans
formed my motherhood out of a pit of
fear and worry and to hope and delight
through the use of bids for connection
this is a story of how I started out a
mother feeling out of control and angry
and became a much calmer
mother this is also a story of how I
shifted a lifelong pattern of anxiety
starting from as young as age 8 I became
not just a better mother but a woman
with an identity outside of motherhood
filled with hope excitement and joy
a bid for connection is any attempt a
person makes to receive support
attention or other form of emotional
connection and I knew from the research
done by John and Julie got men that bids
for connection can predict the strength
and longevity of a relationship although
small and seemingly mundane they are the
building blocks of love I forgot how
important they were though until the
next day when my husband comes up to me
and he says I miss you and I’m like what
do you mean I’m here all the time and he
says no I miss hugging you don’t hug me
anymore
hurt my heart I’ve been so focused on
trying not to mess up my kid they’ve
forgotten to hug my husband what the
heck for 10 years before this baby
we had nurtured our relationship through
these small moments of making and
receiving bids for connection and now
how our relationship seemed to be
falling apart it’s for connection are
like the maintenance needed for your
house if you don’t do things like repair
the roof or fix cracks and your stucco
or paint your house will eventually
break down same thing for relationships
if you do not respond effectively to
bids for connection your relationship
will over time write down when my
husband
me that he missed me and I responded by
asking him what he meant I turned toward
his bid for connection I sent him a
message of love back if I had frowned or
rolled my eyes or ignored him or worse
attacked him for it I would have missed
a really important moment of connection
and probably squelched further attempts
from him as I slowly strengthened my
relationships by refocusing on giving
and receiving bids for connection I was
able to get the rest I needed and that
allowed me to respond much more calmly
and mindfully to my baby this was a huge
relief I was very grateful but something
was still not right I could still feel
the clenching of anxiety in my belly I
kept worrying about everything I felt
trapped in my own life I liked that both
bored me and stressed me out I had
fantasies of jetting off to Europe to
escape I was missing something important
almost as if I had lost the meaning to
my life or the best part of me and I was
desperately searching to find it again I
kept asking myself is this it is this as
good as it’s gonna get I realize that I
could keep focusing all these bids for
connection see love is spelled out in
these moments and it’s up to us to
recognize them for what they are and
nurture them bids for connection can be
so very subtle as small as a touch on
the hand a glance being held for just a
beat longer than usual a show of
interest in something your partner is
saying or doing when we respond to a
person I turned towards them we are
telling
we really are safe in each other’s arms
and I had done this I had nurtured this
with my relationships when a friend
offered to drop by with lunch instead of
turning her away I accepted her offer
seeing it as a chance for connection
when my sister called and asked me how I
was doing I told her I wasn’t doing so
great even with all this support
felt like something wasn’t right so I
kept searching and over time an idea
kept returning to me what if I am in a
relationship with life relationship with
my husband or my son what if I could
take this idea of bids for connection
that helped to strengthen my
relationship but apply it in a much
bigger way speaking bids for connection
with me all along but I didn’t notice
because I wasn’t looking in other words
what if I was experiencing fear and
anxiety because I was turning away from
opportunities can to connect with the
world and life around me what if it was
this disconnection that was making me
feel small and powerless and what if I
could change that into experiencing hope
care support and joy I had to reimagine
my life almost as if I was entering into
a new loving relationship with a person
when we choose to be in a new
relationship we all risk experiencing
hurt and pain right we all know the risk
but we do it anyway so when I could
think about my relationship with life
like this I could see that I needed to
build trust with life just like I’d
built trust with my husband while we
dated experiencing successful bids for
connection over and over again in a
relationship builds trust and so that’s
what I need to do with life eventually I
saw a bid for connection when a local
advertisement posted an opening for a
part-time
as a school librarian I applied my bid
for connection limbs and asked hmm is
this a new opportunity now previously I
never would have dreamed of quitting a
full-time job with full-time pay and
benefits to take on a part-time job and
be a part-time pay but I realized that
justice in a relationship you not only
have to be open to bids for connection
but you have to have trust and so I
decided my response to life needed to be
trust and I quit my job as soon as I
quit I was full of doubt and fear I
almost threw up and my mind went into
total freakout mode in my mind I would
quit my job and then we wouldn’t be able
to pay the mortgage and because of that
we would go bankrupt and lose the house
and because of that my husband would
probably lose his job and because of
that we would have to live out my car a
Honda CRV and my husband is a very tall
man that he is not going to fit plus
Child Protective Services frowns on
living in a car with a baby and that
could be bad very bad does your mind
ever do this to you but I chose to trust
life anyway and guess what I got that
part-time job it was perfect for being a
mom and keeping my mind healthy we still
live in our house and we even managed to
pay off another vehicle every single day
I am grateful for that decision a
decision I had the courage to make
because I looked for and responded to
life bid for connection this way of
viewing the world was so new a felt
fresh and exciting and juicy it made me
feel curious rather than worried about
what would happen next
I learned that how we respond to life’s
bids for connection needs to be open and
flexible sometimes it might be noticing
beauty other times it might be keeping
your mind open
to an opinion different from your own
responding to life’s bids for connection
could be taking a leap of faith and
trying something new as it has been for
me in this process of looking for and
responding to lice bids for connection I
took the advice of a friend and signed
up for a crash course for how to create
an online business last year I did the
most exciting thing yet I launched a
business coaching first-time moms it’s
work I love and I’m passionate about I’m
so amazed at this life when I tell you
about a client I once had her husband
was deployed and she felt so alone as a
mother she was bone-deep exhausted and
she felt incredible guilt if she did not
give everything she had to her two young
children so I asked her to think about
this idea for the next week just wonder
what if life is making bids for
connection with you even when you feel
alone week goes by she comes back and
she tells me my life sucks and your idea
is crap so I asked her when you were a
little girl did you ever make believe
and she thought for a minute yes I used
to go out into the woods and make
believe that I was the princess and I
had a unicorn so I asked her how did you
feel when you were playing and she said
happy you knew the unicorn wasn’t real
right she’s like well yeah but you still
felt happy yes so then I asked her what
if just for now you make believe that
life is making bids for connection to
you just pretend and see what happens
another week goes by and I asked her how
it went she told me that it felt pretty
silly at first
but then one day instead of focusing on
the long to-do list in her mind she
noticed a bird flying by and she decided
to pretend that was a bit for connection
so she took her two girls and they
followed that bird into the forest and
they discovered some beautiful
wildflowers she told me that made her
feel hope and that was beginning seeing
the world differently allowed her to
feel less alone less isolated less
guilty more connected to others and the
world around her this is a picture of my
son Arthur and I this past winter one
afternoon when we stopped by a local
coffee shop I ordered a cup of water for
Arthur and he climbs up into his big
person chair and pretty soon he’s
drinking out of it with both hands
slurping away smacking his lips just
enjoying this cup of water like I have
never seen anyone enjoy a cup of water
when it came time to go he was so
attached to his water that I decided to
let him carry it out across the street
to our car the problem was getting
across the large intersection on his
tiny toddler legs in the short time that
that walk saying says walk so he has
that cup of water tucked under one arm
and he’s holding onto my hand with the
other and we go running across the
street as fast as his legs can toddle
and all the water splashing up into a
safety and the whole front of him and
I’m just laughing my head off and I
looked up and I make eye contact with
this man in the truck and we share this
moment of pure laughter and light
moments like these that I realize I am
NOT that woman standing outside of her
car crying I have become a mother a
woman of joy
delight and power
instead of that awful tight anxiety and
my belly I feel tingly warmth in my
heart looking back I can see how every
decision I made to turn toward a bid for
connection from my son my husband my
friends from life that’s beautifully
almost magically created a life full of
moments like these it all starts with a
bid for connection thank you
you
son Arthur is inside the car awake wide
awake I can’t get him to sleep even at
nine months old he isn’t sleeping more
than two hours in a row and he won’t
sleep in his own bed
I am chronically sleep-deprived driving
him around is the only thing I could
think of doing but I don’t trust myself
to get into the car I’m crying too hard
I sob I cry because I just lost my
and screamed at my nine month old I cry
because even though I have sixteen years
of experience in Social Work and a bunch
of academic degrees I can’t get my baby
to sleep I cry because this tiny human
placed in my care needs the best version
of me and I giving him the worst keep
looking around at all the other moms who
seem to have it all together and they’re
actually happy and I wonder what is
wrong with me I tell myself to suck it
up stop being such a wimp but I can’t
find a way out of this darkness that is
both anger and despair it’s self
loathing and shame my husband pulls into
the driveway and he sees me standing
there all I can do is blurt out some
blubbery mess of a story about how there
must be something horribly wrong with
our threaten there is definitely
definitely something up about me
has been simply he doesn’t tell me I’m
acting crazy he doesn’t turn around and
walk away or ignore me and this complete
meltdown
I made a bid for connection and he
turned toward me today I want to share
with you how I trans
formed my motherhood out of a pit of
fear and worry and to hope and delight
through the use of bids for connection
this is a story of how I started out a
mother feeling out of control and angry
and became a much calmer
mother this is also a story of how I
shifted a lifelong pattern of anxiety
starting from as young as age 8 I became
not just a better mother but a woman
with an identity outside of motherhood
filled with hope excitement and joy
a bid for connection is any attempt a
person makes to receive support
attention or other form of emotional
connection and I knew from the research
done by John and Julie got men that bids
for connection can predict the strength
and longevity of a relationship although
small and seemingly mundane they are the
building blocks of love I forgot how
important they were though until the
next day when my husband comes up to me
and he says I miss you and I’m like what
do you mean I’m here all the time and he
says no I miss hugging you don’t hug me
anymore
hurt my heart I’ve been so focused on
trying not to mess up my kid they’ve
forgotten to hug my husband what the
heck for 10 years before this baby
we had nurtured our relationship through
these small moments of making and
receiving bids for connection and now
how our relationship seemed to be
falling apart it’s for connection are
like the maintenance needed for your
house if you don’t do things like repair
the roof or fix cracks and your stucco
or paint your house will eventually
break down same thing for relationships
if you do not respond effectively to
bids for connection your relationship
will over time write down when my
husband
me that he missed me and I responded by
asking him what he meant I turned toward
his bid for connection I sent him a
message of love back if I had frowned or
rolled my eyes or ignored him or worse
attacked him for it I would have missed
a really important moment of connection
and probably squelched further attempts
from him as I slowly strengthened my
relationships by refocusing on giving
and receiving bids for connection I was
able to get the rest I needed and that
allowed me to respond much more calmly
and mindfully to my baby this was a huge
relief I was very grateful but something
was still not right I could still feel
the clenching of anxiety in my belly I
kept worrying about everything I felt
trapped in my own life I liked that both
bored me and stressed me out I had
fantasies of jetting off to Europe to
escape I was missing something important
almost as if I had lost the meaning to
my life or the best part of me and I was
desperately searching to find it again I
kept asking myself is this it is this as
good as it’s gonna get I realize that I
could keep focusing all these bids for
connection see love is spelled out in
these moments and it’s up to us to
recognize them for what they are and
nurture them bids for connection can be
so very subtle as small as a touch on
the hand a glance being held for just a
beat longer than usual a show of
interest in something your partner is
saying or doing when we respond to a
person I turned towards them we are
telling
we really are safe in each other’s arms
and I had done this I had nurtured this
with my relationships when a friend
offered to drop by with lunch instead of
turning her away I accepted her offer
seeing it as a chance for connection
when my sister called and asked me how I
was doing I told her I wasn’t doing so
great even with all this support
felt like something wasn’t right so I
kept searching and over time an idea
kept returning to me what if I am in a
relationship with life relationship with
my husband or my son what if I could
take this idea of bids for connection
that helped to strengthen my
relationship but apply it in a much
bigger way speaking bids for connection
with me all along but I didn’t notice
because I wasn’t looking in other words
what if I was experiencing fear and
anxiety because I was turning away from
opportunities can to connect with the
world and life around me what if it was
this disconnection that was making me
feel small and powerless and what if I
could change that into experiencing hope
care support and joy I had to reimagine
my life almost as if I was entering into
a new loving relationship with a person
when we choose to be in a new
relationship we all risk experiencing
hurt and pain right we all know the risk
but we do it anyway so when I could
think about my relationship with life
like this I could see that I needed to
build trust with life just like I’d
built trust with my husband while we
dated experiencing successful bids for
connection over and over again in a
relationship builds trust and so that’s
what I need to do with life eventually I
saw a bid for connection when a local
advertisement posted an opening for a
part-time
as a school librarian I applied my bid
for connection limbs and asked hmm is
this a new opportunity now previously I
never would have dreamed of quitting a
full-time job with full-time pay and
benefits to take on a part-time job and
be a part-time pay but I realized that
justice in a relationship you not only
have to be open to bids for connection
but you have to have trust and so I
decided my response to life needed to be
trust and I quit my job as soon as I
quit I was full of doubt and fear I
almost threw up and my mind went into
total freakout mode in my mind I would
quit my job and then we wouldn’t be able
to pay the mortgage and because of that
we would go bankrupt and lose the house
and because of that my husband would
probably lose his job and because of
that we would have to live out my car a
Honda CRV and my husband is a very tall
man that he is not going to fit plus
Child Protective Services frowns on
living in a car with a baby and that
could be bad very bad does your mind
ever do this to you but I chose to trust
life anyway and guess what I got that
part-time job it was perfect for being a
mom and keeping my mind healthy we still
live in our house and we even managed to
pay off another vehicle every single day
I am grateful for that decision a
decision I had the courage to make
because I looked for and responded to
life bid for connection this way of
viewing the world was so new a felt
fresh and exciting and juicy it made me
feel curious rather than worried about
what would happen next
I learned that how we respond to life’s
bids for connection needs to be open and
flexible sometimes it might be noticing
beauty other times it might be keeping
your mind open
to an opinion different from your own
responding to life’s bids for connection
could be taking a leap of faith and
trying something new as it has been for
me in this process of looking for and
responding to lice bids for connection I
took the advice of a friend and signed
up for a crash course for how to create
an online business last year I did the
most exciting thing yet I launched a
business coaching first-time moms it’s
work I love and I’m passionate about I’m
so amazed at this life when I tell you
about a client I once had her husband
was deployed and she felt so alone as a
mother she was bone-deep exhausted and
she felt incredible guilt if she did not
give everything she had to her two young
children so I asked her to think about
this idea for the next week just wonder
what if life is making bids for
connection with you even when you feel
alone week goes by she comes back and
she tells me my life sucks and your idea
is crap so I asked her when you were a
little girl did you ever make believe
and she thought for a minute yes I used
to go out into the woods and make
believe that I was the princess and I
had a unicorn so I asked her how did you
feel when you were playing and she said
happy you knew the unicorn wasn’t real
right she’s like well yeah but you still
felt happy yes so then I asked her what
if just for now you make believe that
life is making bids for connection to
you just pretend and see what happens
another week goes by and I asked her how
it went she told me that it felt pretty
silly at first
but then one day instead of focusing on
the long to-do list in her mind she
noticed a bird flying by and she decided
to pretend that was a bit for connection
so she took her two girls and they
followed that bird into the forest and
they discovered some beautiful
wildflowers she told me that made her
feel hope and that was beginning seeing
the world differently allowed her to
feel less alone less isolated less
guilty more connected to others and the
world around her this is a picture of my
son Arthur and I this past winter one
afternoon when we stopped by a local
coffee shop I ordered a cup of water for
Arthur and he climbs up into his big
person chair and pretty soon he’s
drinking out of it with both hands
slurping away smacking his lips just
enjoying this cup of water like I have
never seen anyone enjoy a cup of water
when it came time to go he was so
attached to his water that I decided to
let him carry it out across the street
to our car the problem was getting
across the large intersection on his
tiny toddler legs in the short time that
that walk saying says walk so he has
that cup of water tucked under one arm
and he’s holding onto my hand with the
other and we go running across the
street as fast as his legs can toddle
and all the water splashing up into a
safety and the whole front of him and
I’m just laughing my head off and I
looked up and I make eye contact with
this man in the truck and we share this
moment of pure laughter and light
moments like these that I realize I am
NOT that woman standing outside of her
car crying I have become a mother a
woman of joy
delight and power
instead of that awful tight anxiety and
my belly I feel tingly warmth in my
heart looking back I can see how every
decision I made to turn toward a bid for
connection from my son my husband my
friends from life that’s beautifully
almost magically created a life full of
moments like these it all starts with a
bid for connection thank you
you
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