I love stories
I love reading them I love writing them
I love listening to them and most of all
I love telling them so today I’m going
to tell you my story and because I’m the
author I get to be the hero I’m the hero
of this story now as is the hallmark of
good stories has three parts a beginning
a middle and an end let’s start at the
beginning I came to America from India
when I was seven years old my
grandmother was educated up to the
fourth grade she was married soon
thereafter after fourth grade and then
she had nine children six of whom
survived
she was an all but single mother and
supported her family as a seamstress in
a village in India my mother was the
first person in her family man or woman
to go to college I had an uncommon
beginning also another hallmark of good
stories is there’s always a hardship
that has to be overcome and mine was
poverty my mother once told me she knew
exactly how smart rats are and when I
asked her how she knew she told me that
when she and my father were first
married she learned very quickly that
she had to put large rocks on top of the
food canisters to keep the rats from
opening them so we were poor and while
we maybe did not have a lot of things we
had a lot of people we had a community
if you will a community of very very
strong women women that I like to call
my aunt’s sidenote it was only when I
came to America that I realized that the
term and
is actually reserved for someone who’s
related to you these women were strong
they were CPAs MBAs engineers doctors
teachers geographers my mother in 1960
Bombay went to school for four years and
got a degree in Sanskrit and economics
and then she went to train for four more
years to become a CPA now if you’ve ever
taken cost accounting and I have you
know that my mother is one smart cookie
so we we maybe did not have a lot of
things we may have been pouring
resources but I was rich in love I am a
daughter a sister a wife and a mother
I’m also an executive a physician a
caretaker a friend and a fixer but first
and foremost identify myself as a woman
hopefully a woman of honor the
definition of honor is actually quite
simple it’s respect given to someone
who’s admired and it seems like it
should be really easy to attain until
you actually tried to do it
I had an uncommon beginning as I said I
was surrounded by these wonderful women
that were my aunts and this awesome
woman that was my mother I had more ants
than you have fingers and toes my aunt’s
and my mother molded me shaped me and
made me who I am today
so when I was growing up the message
that I received was that it was more
important to be smart and kind there was
never an emphasis placed on my looks
because that was not important when I
started high school I asked my mother if
I could wear makeup her response you
want to be beautiful go to medical
school and while that might not seem
like much of a message
compare that to what we see today I’ve
seen parents bring in their 12 13 and 14
year old girls for nose jobs and Botox
we are judging women their personalities
their hopes their dreams their successes
and their failures on nothing more than
a facade
a veneer a shell a sham a lie and
luckily I was spared of that lie the
middle part of this story is where the
conflict is introduced and that’s also
when the villain comes in now in good
stories the villain is someone you least
suspect and in this story our villain is
insidious let’s see if you can figure
out who it is I’m going to give you two
scenes from the conflict portion the
first it was an unexpected snow day as
snow days often are I’m scrambling to
find a place where my son can go because
my husband and I both still have to go
to work I call a friend this mother says
sure bring him over I take him over drop
him off she very generously makes some
pancakes my son loves them and she asked
him does your mother make you pancakes
and he says I don’t know if my mom knows
how to do that so when I pick him up she
says he really likes pancakes do you
make those for him I completely freaked
out because now I have to prove that I
know how to make pancakes and indeed I
make them well ricotta pancakes crepes
blintzes all sorts of pancakes next
scene I was working and traveling and
living life and had failed to notice
that a somewhat major kitchen appliance
and at my home had ceased to function my
dishwasher was broken I’m on the phone
with a male colleague talking about work
I’m punching every button on the
dishwasher it’s not starting
I’m muttering a few choice words not the
least of which is I’m a terrible
housekeeper his response you’re not a
housekeeper and boom it was like a
lightning bolt why did I call myself
that why did I label myself with all
that we are principals plumbers pastors
prime ministers and yes even presidents
do we have to be everything all the time
and here in this scene the villain
really presents let’s see if you can
figure out who it is for a while I tried
very very hard to be friends with a
group of women that were socially and
geographically close to me I tried to
make the pancakes I tried to shop at the
right stores and I tried to attend the
correct functions even though those
things were foreign and deviant to my
true self why did I do that because I
wanted nothing more nothing more than to
fit in there are entire branches of the
social sciences dedicated to then the
study of why humans need to belong and I
wanted nothing more than to belong to
this set of humans so I tried really
hard until the day I got a card the card
said our friendship was not a workable
option yes a card that card and that was
the exact phrase used and for a while I
was eviscerated because I thought I had
failed as a female and as a friend
fast-forward it’s a few weeks later my
family is on vacation in Colorado we’re
talking to one of the employees at the
hotel and my son notice
that the employee has an accent my son
asks him where are you from and the
employee says I’m from Ethiopia my son
who’s ten year old tended two years old
at the time responds with are you from
Ethiopia or Eritrea and I was so proud
of him
because we just finished reading a book
about refugees from both of those
countries and I realized that he knew
what it meant to when someone said I’m
from Ethiopia I looked over at my
husband and he said to me one simple
sentence screw the pancakes
which brings me to this we are doing our
friends our partners our sons our
daughters our colleagues a great and
grave disservice when we are doing
anything more than being the best
version of ourselves that’s all we need
to be it’s enough here’s a statistic for
you women are twice as likely as men to
suffer from depression and that’s
accepting physiological reasons those
are not my words those are from the
world famous Mayo Clinic why do you
think that is do you think it’s because
we’re subscribing to crazy-making
culture my friends and I coined a term a
stiletto to the eye it’s a visual for
how ruthless women can be to one another
six years ago I was in graduate school I
was listening to a professor she was
amazing and inspiring
she had pioneered robotics in healthcare
after the lecture was done I turned to
my classmate and said wow that suit
she’s wearing is really ill-fitting my
classmate said to me how is that
relevant and I realized that I had that
stiletto in my hand and I was aiming it
right for her I and with that comment I
put it right back on my foot because if
you’ve ever been the victim of a
stiletto to the eye you know exactly how
much it hurts let’s not be misogynist
because when we are what happens is
instead of inciting honor what it does
is it creates discord and resentment
which spirals into more crazy-making
discord and resentment let’s work
together instead my best friend and I
loved to travel together she is a
terrible
driver and I am perpetually lost so it’s
an unspoken agreement that when we’re
together I will drive and she will
navigate I think this is a great
allegory for life right because we’re
all going to get to where we need to be
we’re all going to get we’re all going
to get to where we want to go if we work
together let’s remember let’s remember
we may not all take the same path we may
not all wind up at the same destination
but if we work together we will all get
to where we want to go and let’s
remember it’s okay to be driven
figuratively and literally
the single best determinant of the
health of the family is the health of
the mother now let’s extrapolate from
that what that means is the health of
the mother determines the health and
well-being of the modern world
think about that equalist that’s the
word I chose my son is an equalist when
people ask him how he feels about his
mother traveling so much for work
he’s always puzzled because his answer
is always my father travels for work too
he sees no difference in his parents
responsibilities don’t you wish we could
all do that my mother my mother’s an
equalist in the early 80s she went to
her first day of work my mother’s name
is kazoom on her first day of work the
employer said you know your name is kind
of hard to pronounce and I can’t
remember it is it okay if I call you
Kathy
and here’s her response sure you can
call me Kathy if I can call you by an
Indian name because that’s easier for me
to pronounce and for me to remember my
husband’s an equalist when I decided to
go back to graduate school the question
I got asked repeatedly was who’s going
to take care of your son how will he do
without you my husband very quietly
every time stood next to me and said he
has two parents my father neither my
father sends a daily text to the whole
family and recently he’s sent a text
that said I love this my goal is to see
everyone as pure soul without the
confines of the labels such as daughter
wife mother sister isn’t that a
beautiful thing what if we could
actually see everyone as pure soul what
if instead of perpetuating a facade we
could really focus on the feelings that
people inspire within us and this is
when I realized who the villain in this
story really is I have seen the enemy
and it is us the third part of the story
is a resolution the day Newmont I had to
realize that I was so busy seeing what
other people wanted me to be that I was
blind to who I actually was there is a
concept in Jewish tradition term Takuma
alam and what it stands for is an act of
kindness to fix the world
remember I said I’m a fixer I think most
women are fixers right my first act of
kindness had to be to myself and I had
to realize I didn’t need to fix anything
in myself
if I had been smart what I would have
realized is I valued very specific
things I valued people who valued
diversity who took care of themselves
who were optimists
people who understood that love is not
earned
love is not quid pro quo and love is not
transactional I should have looked to my
father for his openness and optimism to
my mother because she carries herself
with honor to my husband for the logic
he provides and to my son for the
innocence with which he sees the world
here’s the challenge imagine this if we
treated ourselves and those around us
with honor think of the moral revolution
we could cause if we treated ourselves
with respect and those around us with
respect think of the seismic shift in
the culture we could create remember
when I said every good story has a
beginning a middle and an end well
that’s true but every great story has a
beginning a middle and a new beginning
so it’s your turn create your own story
write your own story create your own new
beginning and create your own moral
revolution thank you
you
I love reading them I love writing them
I love listening to them and most of all
I love telling them so today I’m going
to tell you my story and because I’m the
author I get to be the hero I’m the hero
of this story now as is the hallmark of
good stories has three parts a beginning
a middle and an end let’s start at the
beginning I came to America from India
when I was seven years old my
grandmother was educated up to the
fourth grade she was married soon
thereafter after fourth grade and then
she had nine children six of whom
survived
she was an all but single mother and
supported her family as a seamstress in
a village in India my mother was the
first person in her family man or woman
to go to college I had an uncommon
beginning also another hallmark of good
stories is there’s always a hardship
that has to be overcome and mine was
poverty my mother once told me she knew
exactly how smart rats are and when I
asked her how she knew she told me that
when she and my father were first
married she learned very quickly that
she had to put large rocks on top of the
food canisters to keep the rats from
opening them so we were poor and while
we maybe did not have a lot of things we
had a lot of people we had a community
if you will a community of very very
strong women women that I like to call
my aunt’s sidenote it was only when I
came to America that I realized that the
term and
is actually reserved for someone who’s
related to you these women were strong
they were CPAs MBAs engineers doctors
teachers geographers my mother in 1960
Bombay went to school for four years and
got a degree in Sanskrit and economics
and then she went to train for four more
years to become a CPA now if you’ve ever
taken cost accounting and I have you
know that my mother is one smart cookie
so we we maybe did not have a lot of
things we may have been pouring
resources but I was rich in love I am a
daughter a sister a wife and a mother
I’m also an executive a physician a
caretaker a friend and a fixer but first
and foremost identify myself as a woman
hopefully a woman of honor the
definition of honor is actually quite
simple it’s respect given to someone
who’s admired and it seems like it
should be really easy to attain until
you actually tried to do it
I had an uncommon beginning as I said I
was surrounded by these wonderful women
that were my aunts and this awesome
woman that was my mother I had more ants
than you have fingers and toes my aunt’s
and my mother molded me shaped me and
made me who I am today
so when I was growing up the message
that I received was that it was more
important to be smart and kind there was
never an emphasis placed on my looks
because that was not important when I
started high school I asked my mother if
I could wear makeup her response you
want to be beautiful go to medical
school and while that might not seem
like much of a message
compare that to what we see today I’ve
seen parents bring in their 12 13 and 14
year old girls for nose jobs and Botox
we are judging women their personalities
their hopes their dreams their successes
and their failures on nothing more than
a facade
a veneer a shell a sham a lie and
luckily I was spared of that lie the
middle part of this story is where the
conflict is introduced and that’s also
when the villain comes in now in good
stories the villain is someone you least
suspect and in this story our villain is
insidious let’s see if you can figure
out who it is I’m going to give you two
scenes from the conflict portion the
first it was an unexpected snow day as
snow days often are I’m scrambling to
find a place where my son can go because
my husband and I both still have to go
to work I call a friend this mother says
sure bring him over I take him over drop
him off she very generously makes some
pancakes my son loves them and she asked
him does your mother make you pancakes
and he says I don’t know if my mom knows
how to do that so when I pick him up she
says he really likes pancakes do you
make those for him I completely freaked
out because now I have to prove that I
know how to make pancakes and indeed I
make them well ricotta pancakes crepes
blintzes all sorts of pancakes next
scene I was working and traveling and
living life and had failed to notice
that a somewhat major kitchen appliance
and at my home had ceased to function my
dishwasher was broken I’m on the phone
with a male colleague talking about work
I’m punching every button on the
dishwasher it’s not starting
I’m muttering a few choice words not the
least of which is I’m a terrible
housekeeper his response you’re not a
housekeeper and boom it was like a
lightning bolt why did I call myself
that why did I label myself with all
that we are principals plumbers pastors
prime ministers and yes even presidents
do we have to be everything all the time
and here in this scene the villain
really presents let’s see if you can
figure out who it is for a while I tried
very very hard to be friends with a
group of women that were socially and
geographically close to me I tried to
make the pancakes I tried to shop at the
right stores and I tried to attend the
correct functions even though those
things were foreign and deviant to my
true self why did I do that because I
wanted nothing more nothing more than to
fit in there are entire branches of the
social sciences dedicated to then the
study of why humans need to belong and I
wanted nothing more than to belong to
this set of humans so I tried really
hard until the day I got a card the card
said our friendship was not a workable
option yes a card that card and that was
the exact phrase used and for a while I
was eviscerated because I thought I had
failed as a female and as a friend
fast-forward it’s a few weeks later my
family is on vacation in Colorado we’re
talking to one of the employees at the
hotel and my son notice
that the employee has an accent my son
asks him where are you from and the
employee says I’m from Ethiopia my son
who’s ten year old tended two years old
at the time responds with are you from
Ethiopia or Eritrea and I was so proud
of him
because we just finished reading a book
about refugees from both of those
countries and I realized that he knew
what it meant to when someone said I’m
from Ethiopia I looked over at my
husband and he said to me one simple
sentence screw the pancakes
which brings me to this we are doing our
friends our partners our sons our
daughters our colleagues a great and
grave disservice when we are doing
anything more than being the best
version of ourselves that’s all we need
to be it’s enough here’s a statistic for
you women are twice as likely as men to
suffer from depression and that’s
accepting physiological reasons those
are not my words those are from the
world famous Mayo Clinic why do you
think that is do you think it’s because
we’re subscribing to crazy-making
culture my friends and I coined a term a
stiletto to the eye it’s a visual for
how ruthless women can be to one another
six years ago I was in graduate school I
was listening to a professor she was
amazing and inspiring
she had pioneered robotics in healthcare
after the lecture was done I turned to
my classmate and said wow that suit
she’s wearing is really ill-fitting my
classmate said to me how is that
relevant and I realized that I had that
stiletto in my hand and I was aiming it
right for her I and with that comment I
put it right back on my foot because if
you’ve ever been the victim of a
stiletto to the eye you know exactly how
much it hurts let’s not be misogynist
because when we are what happens is
instead of inciting honor what it does
is it creates discord and resentment
which spirals into more crazy-making
discord and resentment let’s work
together instead my best friend and I
loved to travel together she is a
terrible
driver and I am perpetually lost so it’s
an unspoken agreement that when we’re
together I will drive and she will
navigate I think this is a great
allegory for life right because we’re
all going to get to where we need to be
we’re all going to get we’re all going
to get to where we want to go if we work
together let’s remember let’s remember
we may not all take the same path we may
not all wind up at the same destination
but if we work together we will all get
to where we want to go and let’s
remember it’s okay to be driven
figuratively and literally
the single best determinant of the
health of the family is the health of
the mother now let’s extrapolate from
that what that means is the health of
the mother determines the health and
well-being of the modern world
think about that equalist that’s the
word I chose my son is an equalist when
people ask him how he feels about his
mother traveling so much for work
he’s always puzzled because his answer
is always my father travels for work too
he sees no difference in his parents
responsibilities don’t you wish we could
all do that my mother my mother’s an
equalist in the early 80s she went to
her first day of work my mother’s name
is kazoom on her first day of work the
employer said you know your name is kind
of hard to pronounce and I can’t
remember it is it okay if I call you
Kathy
and here’s her response sure you can
call me Kathy if I can call you by an
Indian name because that’s easier for me
to pronounce and for me to remember my
husband’s an equalist when I decided to
go back to graduate school the question
I got asked repeatedly was who’s going
to take care of your son how will he do
without you my husband very quietly
every time stood next to me and said he
has two parents my father neither my
father sends a daily text to the whole
family and recently he’s sent a text
that said I love this my goal is to see
everyone as pure soul without the
confines of the labels such as daughter
wife mother sister isn’t that a
beautiful thing what if we could
actually see everyone as pure soul what
if instead of perpetuating a facade we
could really focus on the feelings that
people inspire within us and this is
when I realized who the villain in this
story really is I have seen the enemy
and it is us the third part of the story
is a resolution the day Newmont I had to
realize that I was so busy seeing what
other people wanted me to be that I was
blind to who I actually was there is a
concept in Jewish tradition term Takuma
alam and what it stands for is an act of
kindness to fix the world
remember I said I’m a fixer I think most
women are fixers right my first act of
kindness had to be to myself and I had
to realize I didn’t need to fix anything
in myself
if I had been smart what I would have
realized is I valued very specific
things I valued people who valued
diversity who took care of themselves
who were optimists
people who understood that love is not
earned
love is not quid pro quo and love is not
transactional I should have looked to my
father for his openness and optimism to
my mother because she carries herself
with honor to my husband for the logic
he provides and to my son for the
innocence with which he sees the world
here’s the challenge imagine this if we
treated ourselves and those around us
with honor think of the moral revolution
we could cause if we treated ourselves
with respect and those around us with
respect think of the seismic shift in
the culture we could create remember
when I said every good story has a
beginning a middle and an end well
that’s true but every great story has a
beginning a middle and a new beginning
so it’s your turn create your own story
write your own story create your own new
beginning and create your own moral
revolution thank you
you
Please follow and like us: