so I’m trying to be here so I was what
we would now call a highly sensitive
child I was so shy and so emotional I
cried every single day at school I would
cry if I was a little bit frustrated I
would cry if I was frightened I would
definitely have cried if you looked at
me funny I I cried all the time
I didn’t think about it at all I I just
kind of wore my emotions on my sleeve
until one day in second grade
a girl named Katherine who was my friend
and my neighbor informed me that I was
no longer allowed to play at her house
after school anymore because her mom
didn’t want to deal with it if I started
to cry so for the first time in my life
I started to care what other people
thought of me I was so embarrassed and
so ashamed that I had been banned from a
neighborhood house because I was crying
all the time that I made a commitment to
myself to start hiding what I was
feeling and that one little instant I
began what would become a long career in
people-pleasing now people-pleasing in
my extensive personal experience is a
process by which we assess what will
make people think more highly of us and
then we mold our behavior accordingly
it’s very subtle it’s usually very
unconscious thing that we do to
influence others or even to manipulate
what they think of us and the problem
with people-pleasing is that it means
that we’re putting out all this energy
towards influencing what other people
think of us rather than authentically
expressing ourselves and when we make
that trade-off we end up really out of
alignment really out of integrity with
ourselves and that integrity thing is
where we often and
in trouble in my experience so I’m a
sociologist I’ve studied the sociology
of happiness for well over a decade now
and and so as you might imagine people
are always asking me what the secret to
happiness is and it’s fun question right
it’s I love to answer this question my
answer has evolved quite a lot over the
last ten or fifteen years I think ten
years ago I would have definitely told
you that the key to happiness was
gratitude having a regular gratitude
practice and five years ago I probably
would have added something about a
spirit of generosity and kindness being
key to a really happy life
but a few years ago I came to see that
the only path to true joy is one the
where we don’t lie at all only when we
don’t ever pretend to think or feel or
be something that we’re not can we truly
be happy we can only really be happy
truly happy when we live in total
integrity with ourselves when we’re
really open and honest and transparent
and this is because we human beings need
the truth like we need food and we are
starving for the truth in this age of
Facebook and snapchat and Instagram and
personal brands we are starving to tell
the truth
our truth to show the world who we
really are and know that they still love
us and yet so many of us are so
concerned about what other people think
of us that we pretend all the time we
say we’re happy to be somewhere that we
actually would rather not be we fake a
smile so people don’t know that we’re so
anxious or so angry we post something on
in
that makes it look like we’re having a
fantastic time when actually we’re
feeling kind of lonely or miserable we
pretend all the time to bridge this gap
between who we are and how we want and
now the thing about this I’m just gonna
give it to you straight
all of this pretending is a form of
lying right it doesn’t we could be
pretending over something really Stinney
or to protect somebody else’s feelings
but it’s still a form of lying and lying
is the most stressful thing that human
beings can do to their brains or their
bodies lie-detector test
completely depends on this a polygraph
to test does not detect lies it detects
the unconscious stress and fear that
lying causes so hook me up to a
polygraph test or a lie detector and it
will be able to detect all kinds of
changes in the electricity coming off my
skin moisture my body temperature my
respiration my heart rate even the pitch
of my voice will change when I am
pretending it’s as though our bodies
howl when we’re pretending for us to
please just stop now there’s some really
really good news in all of this their
research has been done where researchers
instruct people not to lie so much and
the good news is that people aren’t are
able to stop lying and when they do
their physical health improves it’s
pretty remarkable when people stop lying
and stop pretending they report that
tension goes down they start sleeping
better they have fewer headaches they
have fewer sore throats this is pretty
remarkable their relationships improve
and they feel less anxiety overall now I
learned the consequences
of lying and pretending all the time all
this increased stress and impaired
relationships the hard way
really early in my life I tuned my
attention to what other people expected
of me what other people wanted me to be
and I met their expectations with flying
colors I got straight A’s I went to an
Ivy League college I got a prestigious
job in marketing where I worked 12-hour
days at a job that I actually did I
could do pretty well in just six hours
right so why did I work so long
well because other people expected me to
and I was really good at meeting other
people’s expectations but I was pretty
stressed out all the time I was
diagnosed with the generalized anxiety
disorder and prescribed anti-anxiety
medication so even though I was very
successful by many measures and also
very happy by many measures I was really
struggling to know who I was and what I
wanted and how to live my life from that
place I was really suffering from the
stress and anxiety that people pleasing
causes now I’m gonna stop myself for a
second because I have reverted to a
former people-pleasing behavior for this
presentation maybe you can guess slides
gonna give you a little clue and it is
these really cute blue shoes that I’m
wearing high heels are a full-on
people-pleasing
kind of behavior now I really actually
do like these shoes they are my favorite
color you could kind of make an argument
that there’s some authentic
self-expression there in that but also I
mean I would not be I wouldn’t even own
these shoes if I didn’t think that they
would were gonna make me look better to
you in some way right so they make my
legs look longer this is an idealistic
kind of beauty thing I know I’ve seen
all
research on height they make me taller
four inches taller and that I’ve the
research shows that you will think that
I am more competent if I’m taller than
if I’m my regular shorty self but also
these shoes are killing me I’ve been
wearing them all evening my entire body
weight is on the ball of my foot and on
my toes my toes are squished together in
a really unnatural way my center of
gravity is all off I’m sort of teetering
around up here hoping that I don’t trip
on one of these wires and launch myself
into the audience so here here’s the
thing I okay I’ll take my that’s what
I’m gonna do and you know high heels
train us at a really early age to ignore
physical pain in order to look good to
other people now this is um I probably
don’t need to tell you that it’s not a
good idea to ignore pain or anything
that you might be feeling in order to
look good to other people but this is a
seemingly blazingly obvious truth that
really didn’t hit home for me until the
last year or so so the truth is that we
are happier and far less stressed when
we decide not to endure physical pain or
emotional pain in order to look good to
other people and this is something that
really hit home to me a year or so ago
when I started doing
Martha Beck’s integrity cleanses so like
an alcoholic might decide not to drink
anymore I decided not to do any
people-pleasing at all anymore and I
hired a coach to coach me in becoming a
truth-teller and I got to tell you I
started to feel better right away I was
happier I was more relaxed my feet
didn’t hurt anymore
and my relationships grew more intimate
warmer I just sort of felt more loved by
the world the interesting thing happened
that sensitive kid who used to cry all
the time
reappeared in my life ask my children
it’s kind of embarrassing for them but I
cry every day right I might cry because
I’m moved by the astonishing beauty of
this world or because I’m so deeply
inspired by someone else or another
person’s act of kindness the only real
difference is that I am no longer
embarrassed about it
now does this all these integrity
cleanses mean that I’m able to live
every day all day my full truth in
integrity no unfortunately I still catch
myself every day thinking about what
other people might be thinking of me and
then that’s okay right it’s actually not
bad to be thinking of other people as a
point of clarification right thinking
about other people is a real happiness
habit too the key to a joyful life but
there’s a huge difference between
thinking about other people thinking
about you and thinking about other
people right just like pleasing people
is not the same as helping people okay
another point of clarification with this
people always ask me with all this
truth-telling business does it mean that
you always speak your truth you always
say whatever is on your mind you always
express what you’re feeling actually no
it is not necessary to always say what
you’re thinking and a lot of times it’s
not all that safe or it’s just not all
that kind but even if it’s not all that
kind for example for you to say
something that does not give you
permission to lie so there’s a really
big difference between living your truth
and always speaking your truth so you
may be
in a situation in which a friend asks
you if you look if they look fat and and
so instead of saying what’s on your mind
you can turn to them and ask them what
they are thinking what they are feeling
invite them to share with you some of
their truth and then listen very
carefully and with great compassion now
at other times you absolutely will need
to speak your truth and unfortunately
many people may not like it people often
get pretty angry and frustrated or just
disappointed when we don’t meet their
expectations or when we aren’t the
people that they want us to be other
times they just become very
uncomfortable or confused or frightened
by our truth especially if our truth is
one where it that goes up against an
established social norm so sometimes we
have to face that discomfort but usually
what happens is something different it’s
something much better than making other
people angry usually when we show people
who we really are when we speak our
truth we let them see the real us and
what that means is that they we start to
feel known understood possibly even
loved and when people love us we know
that they love the real us not the
facade that we put up for them that we
worked so hard to create just hoping
that they would like it right but they
love the real messy imperfect version of
us and then that gap between who we are
and who we want other people to see us
as is complete
irrelevant now I know some of you may be
a little bit frightened or unsure about
all this transparency and honesty that
I’m advocating and that is because we
human beings are very clannish and our
nervous systems evolved to try and keep
us with our tribe and so acceptance can
feel like everything right for some
people acceptance is everything it is a
matter of survival but if for you even
if it isn’t a matter of life or death if
you’re if you’re not feeling ready to
step out from behind your facade if you
can feel just very uncomfortable to do
so and so if you’re not ready to do that
that’s totally okay right you will do it
when you’re ready so long as you see how
your false selves are holding you back
that facade that you put up in the long
run will rob you of joy and possibly
also love so it’s much better in the
long run for most of us to learn to be
ourselves to figure out who we are and
what we want and how to live our lives
completely from that place I this is
this is my big hope for you that you
will be able to figure out who you are
and what you want but this truth-telling
business takes a lot of courage it is
not for the faint of heart it is
downright daring to show your truth to
other people it is crazy
brave to become a truth teller and yet
that is what you will need to do to live
your best life
to paraphrase Luz Gilbert
without your truth you will never know
the vaulting scope of your own capacity
and so my wish for you is that you will
be able to live as the great Sufi poet
Rumi instructed Singh is the birds sing
without worry who hears or what they
think my wish for you is that you will
have the courage you need to live your
life without people-pleasing
without pretending without lies that
you’ll be brave enough to give yourself
the gift of true authenticity that
you’ll be able to experience for
yourself your own power as a truth
teller thank you [Applause]