hey Naperville so good to see everybody
so the first thing I noticed when I went
to see my friend’s new baby at their
beautiful suburban home was how bad she
looked I mean my friend looked terrible
she was hunched into the couch clutching
the baby with her shoulders up by her
ear and the worried new father was just
hovering not knowing what to do so I sat
down next to her and she started to pour
her heart out she was trying to
breastfeed because she believed if she
didn’t her baby would be harmed but it
hurt her and she was bleeding
now the lactation consultants at the
hospital had all had different things to
say and she had been up for hours the
night before reading 18 online articles
about how she should breastfeed you’re a
pediatrician she pleaded what should I
do
should I keep trying to breastfeed
should I use a nipple shield should I go
back to the lactation consultant should
I use that thing that you strap on your
boob should I just suck it up whoa I
said that is quite a should storm right
there let’s get out of this should storm
because this would be a great time to
there she was she was holding a miracle
of life itself but she wasn’t looking
these new parents were so overwhelmed
with worry that they were distracted and
disconnected have you ever felt that way
because for 10 years in pediatric
practice I’ve been watching parents do
this to themselves I’m a parent I do
this to myself too
the moment that we become parents
we are inducted into a culture of
criticism that pushes perfectionistic
parenting we are told that everything we
do matters and of all the harm that will
come to our children if we mess up
anxiety as a parent is almost a moral
value it’s as though if you’re not
anxious you’re not in it and you can’t
get away from this anxiety you could be
hit by a surprise should storm anywhere
you go one time years ago I was working
on a Saturday seeing patients and my
husband took our four month-old baby
grocery shopping they were strolling
through the vegetable section on a very
hot summer day and they were cooing to
each other my husband was being adorable
showing our son all the vegetables and
talking about them when suddenly there
was this woman that baby should have
socks on
don’t you know babies should be wearing
socks his feet could get cold
my husband was flabbergasted guys it’s
no wonder that we parents are so anxious
when we have to deal with this kind of
unsolicited criticism it happens to us
in person it happens to us online and it
makes us feel like we’re under attack
the problem is anxious parents raise
anxious kids perfectionistic parents who
alternate between demanding and over
nurturing produce demanding kids who
expect to be kept comfortable this isn’t
just my opinion
google it you’ll find scores of studies
in the medical journals articles in
Psychology Today or the Atlantic reports
from all over the world about how
anxious over parenting is producing
fearful kids who think they can’t do
things for themselves one in three of
our children will meet criteria for an
anxiety disorder by the age of 18 and
that number went up 40% in the decade
prior to 2014 this is not counting all
the anxious kids I see in my office who
don’t quite meet criteria so in order to
help us with the way anxiety is
affecting our parenting everybody’s
trying to write a new playbook for
parents but we don’t have just one dr.
Spock to read we have a thousand dr.
Spock’s and whether it’s junk parenting
advice or solid stuff by bona fide
experts I keep hearing the same word
should now sometimes it’s the word
should but sometimes it’s hiding in a
phrase like didn’t you know oh they say
or my personal favorite follow these
three easy steps but wherever they’re
hiding the shoulds are being driven by
certain assumptions the culture of
parenting criticism tells us that we are
fully responsible for our kids and
everything that happens to them and the
worst thing that could happen to them
would be an uncomfortable emotion
because we somehow confuse that with
trauma it tells us that we have to get
it right all the time and it tells us if
we don’t get it right all the time we
might just be messing up our kids for
life even worse I mean it really feels
like the experts who are trying to help
us believe these things – even my
favorite books leave me with a sense of
one Amazon reviewer put it this way if
you don’t parent in our exact method
your kid will be screwed and it starts
in pregnancy and breastfeeding so do you
remember my friend well I put my hand on
her shoulder and I said your breast milk
is really great I mean it’s fantastic
but it’s not what your baby really needs
what your baby needs is you it’s you my
friend’s face fell
she was so disappointed and that’s what
we do isn’t it the moment we feel not
sure we look for a should to guide us
the shoulds make us feel terrible but
they’re better than the alternative to
please the shoulds we keep busy we do
too much for our kids we hover we drive
ourselves to exhaustion taking them to
activities to develop their interests
and then we’re the ones that collapse
and burn out and hand them their tablets
the thing is that moment of my friends
need pulled words out of me that I had
never said before I wanted to help her I
wanted to help all the parents I’d seen
for all these years
cut off from joy in their kids because
of all that worried I had an idea and I
told her she grinned and her shoulders
floated down that’s simple she said I
can try that and she did when I saw her
again a month later she said to me
before I had only anxiety but now I have
confidence wow what did I tell her well
raise your hands if you guys remember
stop drop and roll right we all do I
told her to sigh see and start every
time you feel a should or you feel not
sigh take a deep breath into your belly
take it in long and slow then let it go
imagine it’s a sigh of relief sighs help
us stop and center so that we’re not
just reacting to the shoulds in our head
see see your child see the situation see
their body language see if they look
happy see if they look sad see if their
fists are balled with anger then and
only then start start listening start
thinking about what’s really needed here
start trying something different
do they need a hug do they need a minute
to accept a limit you’ve just set do
they need to figure it out for
themselves start something start nothing
start the wrong thing
I really don’t care because if you sigh
and see before you start you will build
skills quickly you will get to learn
your child if you get it right that’s
awesome file that one away if you get it
wrong you are going to trigger a should
I should have done it that way that’s
okay just sigh see and start again this
is simple advice but that doesn’t make
it easy how many times have we doctors
told you to eat more vegetables and
exercise for an hour a day that’s simple
advice and it has a massive health
impact how many of us are really doing
it and this advice is not specific and
we don’t like that but it doesn’t mean
that you throw out your whole playbook
it means that you apply it more wisely
so when you get to the start step you
can take that great thing you read in
that book and use it better you’ll have
a better sense for when to set limits
with your kids and when to collaborate
with them okay well I don’t know about
you but I live in the real world
what does this do there so when our son
was a toddler he developed such bad
picky eating that it had become a
medical problem I read the book I did
everything it said nothing worked so one
night after that kid had not eaten one
bite and thrown all his food off the
highchair we let him down in frustration
I went to take some dishes into the
kitchen when I heard my husband say
don’t look now so I looked and there was
our son that little stinker crawling
around on the floor gobbling up all the
food well I went to stop him because you
know gross but something stopped me I
felt myself sigh as I could finally see
my son eating something after that my
husband and I started intentionally
we used to hold hands and giggle because
what if people found out that the
pediatrician feeds the baby off the
floor
so when we sigh we breathe deep into our
bodies and we connect to ourselves and
our resources we become present now the
sigh is an ideal biological mechanism
for pulling out of the fight-or-flight
centers in the autonomic nervous system
that show up for us as anxiety when we
sigh we naturally breathe out very
slowly and that activates the ventral
vagus nerve which pulls us into the calm
and connected centers in the autonomic
nervous system we become present and
centered when we see really see our
child in the situation now we’re
practicing mindfulness full acceptance
of the present with awareness I don’t
know about you but I do not have time
for a one-week intensive mindfulness
retreat and I cannot find time to
meditate every day but this method pulls
us into mindfulness regularly
momentarily under pressure like when my
son was eating off the floor and I
reacted with anxiety because that food
might be dirty but then I got curious
about what I was seeing and I made a
mindful creative decision and that’s how
we start start is all about the creative
process and this is where this method
starts to look very different from other
parenting techniques you don’t memorize
a list you don’t even have to understand
it my friend didn’t she just did it the
more you do it the more you change the
shoulds simply become irrelevant when
growth becomes part of our process when
mistakes become how we learn and we grow
confident that we will be successful
over time we are demonstrating
resilience oh my gosh guess who our kids
learn that from us our behavior
the research says that what our kids
need is the ability to self-regulate
those uncomfortable emotions that we
think are so bad for them but the should
storm tells us that we need to regulate
our children the research says that our
kids need to be able to tolerate
frustration without freaking out or
shutting down but the should storm puts
us under so much pressure that we tend
to freak out or shutdown in the face of
frustration but when we sigh and see
before we start we show our kids a way
to bounce back and reconnect like last
week when my son was screaming at me
because you should have put the snack I
liked in my backpack and my ears went my
shoulders went right up to my ears and I
just wanted to shout right back at him
you should have done it yourself you
should not be yelling at me but I
remembered to sigh and I thought wow I
have no idea what to do right now but I
could see that my son needed to calm
down so I started with silence and he
stormed off but ten minutes later he
came back and he crawled up on my lap
and he said mommy I’m really sorry I
yelled at you and I gave him a hug and I
said I know you were disappointed buddy
but I appreciate your apology so
obviously by developing and using this
method I have become a perfect parent
not at all I make mistakes every day but
because we’ve been losing our should for
a while now my family seems to be
building something that it’s about
growing in trust so the next time you
think to yourself I should spend more
time with my kids I might be a
neglectful parent or the next time you
think to yourself I should spend less
time with my kids I might be a
helicopter parent the next time that you
feel your shoulders up by your ears what
are you gonna do sigh see and start
thanks [Applause]
so the first thing I noticed when I went
to see my friend’s new baby at their
beautiful suburban home was how bad she
looked I mean my friend looked terrible
she was hunched into the couch clutching
the baby with her shoulders up by her
ear and the worried new father was just
hovering not knowing what to do so I sat
down next to her and she started to pour
her heart out she was trying to
breastfeed because she believed if she
didn’t her baby would be harmed but it
hurt her and she was bleeding
now the lactation consultants at the
hospital had all had different things to
say and she had been up for hours the
night before reading 18 online articles
about how she should breastfeed you’re a
pediatrician she pleaded what should I
do
should I keep trying to breastfeed
should I use a nipple shield should I go
back to the lactation consultant should
I use that thing that you strap on your
boob should I just suck it up whoa I
said that is quite a should storm right
there let’s get out of this should storm
because this would be a great time to
there she was she was holding a miracle
of life itself but she wasn’t looking
these new parents were so overwhelmed
with worry that they were distracted and
disconnected have you ever felt that way
because for 10 years in pediatric
practice I’ve been watching parents do
this to themselves I’m a parent I do
this to myself too
the moment that we become parents
we are inducted into a culture of
criticism that pushes perfectionistic
parenting we are told that everything we
do matters and of all the harm that will
come to our children if we mess up
anxiety as a parent is almost a moral
value it’s as though if you’re not
anxious you’re not in it and you can’t
get away from this anxiety you could be
hit by a surprise should storm anywhere
you go one time years ago I was working
on a Saturday seeing patients and my
husband took our four month-old baby
grocery shopping they were strolling
through the vegetable section on a very
hot summer day and they were cooing to
each other my husband was being adorable
showing our son all the vegetables and
talking about them when suddenly there
was this woman that baby should have
socks on
don’t you know babies should be wearing
socks his feet could get cold
my husband was flabbergasted guys it’s
no wonder that we parents are so anxious
when we have to deal with this kind of
unsolicited criticism it happens to us
in person it happens to us online and it
makes us feel like we’re under attack
the problem is anxious parents raise
anxious kids perfectionistic parents who
alternate between demanding and over
nurturing produce demanding kids who
expect to be kept comfortable this isn’t
just my opinion
google it you’ll find scores of studies
in the medical journals articles in
Psychology Today or the Atlantic reports
from all over the world about how
anxious over parenting is producing
fearful kids who think they can’t do
things for themselves one in three of
our children will meet criteria for an
anxiety disorder by the age of 18 and
that number went up 40% in the decade
prior to 2014 this is not counting all
the anxious kids I see in my office who
don’t quite meet criteria so in order to
help us with the way anxiety is
affecting our parenting everybody’s
trying to write a new playbook for
parents but we don’t have just one dr.
Spock to read we have a thousand dr.
Spock’s and whether it’s junk parenting
advice or solid stuff by bona fide
experts I keep hearing the same word
should now sometimes it’s the word
should but sometimes it’s hiding in a
phrase like didn’t you know oh they say
or my personal favorite follow these
three easy steps but wherever they’re
hiding the shoulds are being driven by
certain assumptions the culture of
parenting criticism tells us that we are
fully responsible for our kids and
everything that happens to them and the
worst thing that could happen to them
would be an uncomfortable emotion
because we somehow confuse that with
trauma it tells us that we have to get
it right all the time and it tells us if
we don’t get it right all the time we
might just be messing up our kids for
life even worse I mean it really feels
like the experts who are trying to help
us believe these things – even my
favorite books leave me with a sense of
one Amazon reviewer put it this way if
you don’t parent in our exact method
your kid will be screwed and it starts
in pregnancy and breastfeeding so do you
remember my friend well I put my hand on
her shoulder and I said your breast milk
is really great I mean it’s fantastic
but it’s not what your baby really needs
what your baby needs is you it’s you my
friend’s face fell
she was so disappointed and that’s what
we do isn’t it the moment we feel not
sure we look for a should to guide us
the shoulds make us feel terrible but
they’re better than the alternative to
please the shoulds we keep busy we do
too much for our kids we hover we drive
ourselves to exhaustion taking them to
activities to develop their interests
and then we’re the ones that collapse
and burn out and hand them their tablets
the thing is that moment of my friends
need pulled words out of me that I had
never said before I wanted to help her I
wanted to help all the parents I’d seen
for all these years
cut off from joy in their kids because
of all that worried I had an idea and I
told her she grinned and her shoulders
floated down that’s simple she said I
can try that and she did when I saw her
again a month later she said to me
before I had only anxiety but now I have
confidence wow what did I tell her well
raise your hands if you guys remember
stop drop and roll right we all do I
told her to sigh see and start every
time you feel a should or you feel not
sigh take a deep breath into your belly
take it in long and slow then let it go
imagine it’s a sigh of relief sighs help
us stop and center so that we’re not
just reacting to the shoulds in our head
see see your child see the situation see
their body language see if they look
happy see if they look sad see if their
fists are balled with anger then and
only then start start listening start
thinking about what’s really needed here
start trying something different
do they need a hug do they need a minute
to accept a limit you’ve just set do
they need to figure it out for
themselves start something start nothing
start the wrong thing
I really don’t care because if you sigh
and see before you start you will build
skills quickly you will get to learn
your child if you get it right that’s
awesome file that one away if you get it
wrong you are going to trigger a should
I should have done it that way that’s
okay just sigh see and start again this
is simple advice but that doesn’t make
it easy how many times have we doctors
told you to eat more vegetables and
exercise for an hour a day that’s simple
advice and it has a massive health
impact how many of us are really doing
it and this advice is not specific and
we don’t like that but it doesn’t mean
that you throw out your whole playbook
it means that you apply it more wisely
so when you get to the start step you
can take that great thing you read in
that book and use it better you’ll have
a better sense for when to set limits
with your kids and when to collaborate
with them okay well I don’t know about
you but I live in the real world
what does this do there so when our son
was a toddler he developed such bad
picky eating that it had become a
medical problem I read the book I did
everything it said nothing worked so one
night after that kid had not eaten one
bite and thrown all his food off the
highchair we let him down in frustration
I went to take some dishes into the
kitchen when I heard my husband say
don’t look now so I looked and there was
our son that little stinker crawling
around on the floor gobbling up all the
food well I went to stop him because you
know gross but something stopped me I
felt myself sigh as I could finally see
my son eating something after that my
husband and I started intentionally
we used to hold hands and giggle because
what if people found out that the
pediatrician feeds the baby off the
floor
so when we sigh we breathe deep into our
bodies and we connect to ourselves and
our resources we become present now the
sigh is an ideal biological mechanism
for pulling out of the fight-or-flight
centers in the autonomic nervous system
that show up for us as anxiety when we
sigh we naturally breathe out very
slowly and that activates the ventral
vagus nerve which pulls us into the calm
and connected centers in the autonomic
nervous system we become present and
centered when we see really see our
child in the situation now we’re
practicing mindfulness full acceptance
of the present with awareness I don’t
know about you but I do not have time
for a one-week intensive mindfulness
retreat and I cannot find time to
meditate every day but this method pulls
us into mindfulness regularly
momentarily under pressure like when my
son was eating off the floor and I
reacted with anxiety because that food
might be dirty but then I got curious
about what I was seeing and I made a
mindful creative decision and that’s how
we start start is all about the creative
process and this is where this method
starts to look very different from other
parenting techniques you don’t memorize
a list you don’t even have to understand
it my friend didn’t she just did it the
more you do it the more you change the
shoulds simply become irrelevant when
growth becomes part of our process when
mistakes become how we learn and we grow
confident that we will be successful
over time we are demonstrating
resilience oh my gosh guess who our kids
learn that from us our behavior
the research says that what our kids
need is the ability to self-regulate
those uncomfortable emotions that we
think are so bad for them but the should
storm tells us that we need to regulate
our children the research says that our
kids need to be able to tolerate
frustration without freaking out or
shutting down but the should storm puts
us under so much pressure that we tend
to freak out or shutdown in the face of
frustration but when we sigh and see
before we start we show our kids a way
to bounce back and reconnect like last
week when my son was screaming at me
because you should have put the snack I
liked in my backpack and my ears went my
shoulders went right up to my ears and I
just wanted to shout right back at him
you should have done it yourself you
should not be yelling at me but I
remembered to sigh and I thought wow I
have no idea what to do right now but I
could see that my son needed to calm
down so I started with silence and he
stormed off but ten minutes later he
came back and he crawled up on my lap
and he said mommy I’m really sorry I
yelled at you and I gave him a hug and I
said I know you were disappointed buddy
but I appreciate your apology so
obviously by developing and using this
method I have become a perfect parent
not at all I make mistakes every day but
because we’ve been losing our should for
a while now my family seems to be
building something that it’s about
growing in trust so the next time you
think to yourself I should spend more
time with my kids I might be a
neglectful parent or the next time you
think to yourself I should spend less
time with my kids I might be a
helicopter parent the next time that you
feel your shoulders up by your ears what
are you gonna do sigh see and start
thanks [Applause]
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