it comes to healing emotional trauma but
all paths lead right to the thing you
most want to avoid to heal you must make
the brave choice that feels
self-destructive you have to go toward
the pain right but how do you do that
how do you do that when you’ve already
been suffering when you’re just a shell
of who you were and what if the pain is
an actual physical discomfort what if it
itches every day all over the itching
came later but first on March 8th 2004 a
16 year old employee at my dad’s
restaurant carried out his plan to kill
my father and rob the place
he came when he knew my dad would be
alone distracted him hit him over the
head with a hammer and stabbed him 11
my dad’s fate was all the more shocking
because of its contrast to how he lived
his life he was the last person you’d
think anyone would want to harm even the
teen became agitated when asked by the
prosecuting attorney if my dad had done
anything to provoke the attack no he
said mr. lacy was never anything but
kind to me completely senseless that’s
all it was and all it would ever be
I got counseling and spent the better
part of a year trying to come out of a
fog but ultimately without a way to make
sense of it intellectually or
spiritually the trauma took up residence
in my physical body the layers of
traumatic loss weighed on me
figuratively but also in a tangible felt
sense I experienced chest tightness and
wheezing as the heaviness settled around
my heart and lungs the teen was caught
the same day 14 months after the murder
i sat with my family at the trial that
became necessary when he refused the
sentence bargain I was reach Ramat eyes
by the details but I couldn’t not be
there I felt I owed it to my dad and my
family the trial lasted three and a half
days and the jury deliberated for less
than 40 minutes the teen was convicted
of capital murder and sentenced to life
in prison without parole
a year later around the time of the
second anniversary of the murder there
was no trial nothing like the trial for
me to focus on there was no container
for my grief there was nothing to do but
one day distracted and disconnected I
ran a red light a mile from my home and
plowed into the driver’s side of a
turnin vehicle fortunately the driver
wasn’t seriously injured and neither was
i but my already traumatized body was
sent into overdrive the adrenaline rush
and shock were too much for my depleted
system and the following day I broke out
in hives across my entire body the
itching got so bad I wept and had to go
to a weekend clinic for some relief I
was prescribed prednisone for a few days
and then advised to take
over-the-counter antihistamines after
that as needed and I did need them daily
for 10 months I tried going off of the
medication and sought other treatments
during that time more therapy
acupuncture supplements dietary changes
and more some remedies brought temporary
relief but nothing lasted beyond a day
or two I wasn’t avoiding the trauma at
that point I had been processing my
grief and feeling the waves of emotion
for years I had great support from
treatment providers family and friends
but still my body wasn’t well what more
did I need to face how much more pain
that I need to connect with I came to
understand that the hives were my body’s
attempt to push the trauma up and out of
me through my skin but I couldn’t let go
I held on to my symptoms I held on to my
symptoms as if they were my father not
consciously of course but there he was
in the chest tightness the wheezing the
you see my last emotional experience of
my father in my life was the day he was
killed
that was our last connection and it was
a powerful one awful beyond anything
imaginable but real intense with weight
and substance my symptoms were a
constant reminder of my loss and
therefore a constant reminder of him as
I continued to suppress the itching with
medication my other ailments grew worse
the chest tightness continued at night
and the wheezing and one cold after
another and then in January 2007 I had
six migraines the most I’d ever had I
was engaged to be married that August
and I really didn’t want to be all hyvee
and wheezy on my wedding day it had all
become completely unbearable and
unacceptable I desperately wanted to be
healthy and whole and me again in
dealing with chronic hives for nearly a
year I kept asking myself two questions
the first was the obvious how do I stop
the itching I felt if I could just stop
the itching that would mean my body was
well and I’d be healed the problem was
the solutions I came up with only
suppress the itching the second equally
ineffective question was why can’t I
heal this question made me feel like
there was some magic combination or
password I hadn’t yet hit upon or worse
that something was so broken in me I
might never be able to heal the right
questions seem to elude me if I could go
back knowing what I know now I would
have brainstormed lots and lots of
questions
derivatives of the old ones and brand
new even nonsensical ones as it was the
question that came forward of its own
volition was what’s on the other side of
the itching this was a brilliant
question trust me it had a curious
adventurous tone to it
it wasn’t about suppressing or
self-reproach
it seemed to be about the way through to
imagine that I was here and the itching
was there and there was a place on the
other side where I was healthy and whole
was incredible what’s on the other side
I find out though I had to bring the
itching back I had to go toward the pain
so I decided to stop taking the
medication and the itching returned
almost immediately
although mercifully not as bad as when
the hives first appeared one night I was
watching TV with my fiancee my wonderful
loving a patient partner I was
scratching away at my arms annoyed by
the sandpaper each sounds he said will
you just go take a pill and there it was
a choice the opportunity to stay the
course or go back to avoiding and
suppressing no more pills I decided it
was me or the hives and I was going to
keep right on itching for as long as I
needed to the very next day I was
driving to work and at a stoplight I
looked up and saw a giant construction
crane tilting toward the ground an
earthquake I put the car in park and got
ready to jump out when I noticed
something really odd people were
crossing the street like nothing was
happening nothing was happening to them
I was tilting it was an intense vertigo
incident I’d never had vertigo before
and never since in the ambulance I was
incredulous what now
at the hospital I started shaking
uncontrollably from head to toe the
nurses kept piling blankets on top of me
and as I shook cocooned in the blankets
I felt calm I knew I was okay I was
healing the shaking I would later learn
was indeed my body’s way of healing the
trauma neurogenic tremors are an innate
physiological response to calm the
body following a state of hyper arousal
but it’s a response that we can shut
down by clenching our bodies often
unconsciously
and that’s exactly what I had done I had
been holding it all in keeping myself
locked and fight flight or freeze after
the vertigo incident the itching was
gone the rest of my symptoms faded one
by one and in August that year I had a
hive free wedding day I don’t know what
brought that question forward what’s on
the other side but in the end I knew
that I could let go of my symptoms
because they weren’t my father my
physical symptoms had nothing to do with
I could be healthy and whole and me and
still love him and still honor his
memory this is our real connection our
forever father-daughter bond was not
ultimately my healing came not because
I’m particularly brave but because I
finally saw that everything I was doing
to avoid the pain wasn’t making me well
quite the opposite and it seems obvious
now but trauma had fooled me into
thinking but it was protecting me it had
built a fortress to my unique
specifications and the longer I was
there the more the walls closed in until
the protection became my prison until I
was itching to get out and his novel The
Stand Stephen King wrote no one can tell
what goes on in between the person you
were and the person you become no one
can chart that blue and lonely section
of hell there are no maps of the change
you just come out the other side or you
what was on the other side of the pain
me forever changed but all in one piece
at peace thank you [Applause]