artificially red hair the only she could
make look natural the scent of a
discontinued perfume from Victoria
Secret a sweater in her favorite shade
of pink draped over the shoulders from
the build of a woman only I could
recognize from behind and she was
standing right in front of me how could
it be her though
it couldn’t it had been years and as she
turned around I realized that the woman
standing in front of me in the middle of
the busy mall was not my mother who died
years before grief is deceiving in that
way it’ll make you see things that
aren’t there and it’ll make you feel
things you didn’t know you could maybe
you’ve been through it before
or maybe you’re currently going through
it but whatever the case may be I’m sure
you’ve realized that there are no amount
of books or articles to read therapy
sessions to attend medications to take
or even TED Talks to listen to to ever
help you fully understand what you’re
going through but let me share with you
my time to try and understand it grief
pertains to loss but not just the loss
of life it could be the loss of a loved
pet a childhood home the end of a
relationship or it could even be the
loss of the person you used to be this
is what makes us human we all experience
grief in some way shape or form grief is
not a one-and-done thing where you
experience it once and you can look back
on it fondly or sadly it is a building
on fire and you are filled with them my
biggest moment of grief came from losing
my mother when I was 17 years old she
passed away very suddenly
and after we lost her I spent years
researching on how to get over the death
of a loved one how to grieve correctly
and how to start and finish this process
as quickly and efficiently as possible
you see I wanted it out of my mind
and I wanted to move on to other things
so I thought to me sadness was a sign of
weakness and I wanted to prove to my
mother that she did not raise a weak
daughter there’s research that outlines
grief into five different stages called
the kubler-ross model it begins with
denial bargaining anger depression and
finally acceptance this is a very
generic formula for grief and in reality
grief is unique and very specific to
each person you can go through any stage
of grief at any point in time for any
length of time you can go through them
backwards you can speed through them or
you can go slow
you can skip stages if you need for
majority of people the path of grief
looks very different from what’s
mentioned in the kubler-ross model mine
sir Shirley did mine took sharp turns
and steep drops off cliffs after my
mother passed away I went through a lot
of different emotions but I’ve been able
to describe them into six different
feelings confusion fear stillness apathy
motion and practice the first one is
confusion I tend to think about my life
in two different parts life before death
and life after death there’s a moment in
time where both of these parts twist in
a state of emotional limbo that
manifests itself as confusion before my
mother passed away I knew exactly who I
was and what I was doing where I was
going and how I was going to get there
but after we lost her a fog rose in my
previous leisure path I had no idea what
I was doing or why I was doing it for
that matter people tend to think that
life after death refers to what happens
to your body or your soul when somebody
dies but I think it refers to how others
handle life when a person dies many
times confusion can turn into fear which
is the next emotion I felt something
that people have who have lost have a
lot of or
Christiane’s after we lost our mother my
feet were firmly planted in fear and
from that fear grew questions
well I turn out like her will she be
proud of the person I am am i doing the
right thing these are questions that
follow me to this day people have a
tendency to call their loved ones and
ask for advice or for help but when the
person who’s supposed to have the
answers isn’t there anymore
it’s frightening to try and find them on
your own the next one is stillness we
lost our mother on a Wednesday the day
before I had to take the AP u.s. History
exam and I was absolutely convinced that
I could not miss it for some reason so I
went to school and I kept my head down
and my voice though and I was able to
overhear what everyone was talking about
around me I heard girls talking about
the dress they bought for the upcoming
prom or the guys talking about the start
of baseball season and I remember
thinking to myself how are you able to
talk about this stuff why is no one as
sad as I am when you lose someone your
love your whole world stands still it
just takes a pause but while yours has
everyone else is still moving on I was
angry and I wanted to scream at them my
world has stopped
why hasn’t yours sometimes on the
anniversary of my mother’s passing I’ll
have a test scheduled for that day or
have to go into work and I’ll look at
everyone and want to ask how are you
able to get any work done how can you
keep studying don’t you know what today
is don’t you know my mother died the
next one is apathy one of the biggest
things I’ve seen be produced from grief
is bitterness
it tends to be unintentional but it also
is automatic the example I’m going to
use falls along the lines of a common
phrase finish your dinner there are
children starving I had a friend who was
going through a terrible breakup and she
was absolutely heartbroken while she was
telling me about it
I suddenly snapped and I said you’re so
selfish how can you even talk about this
don’t you know that there are people
worse off than you
I was bitter and apathetic you see to me
I had experience to lost so monumental
years before that if somebody hadn’t
experienced something similar it didn’t
warrant the same kind of understanding I
mentioned before stillness and the anger
found in it the next emotion I felt was
motion the opposite of stillness once I
realized that the world doesn’t stop for
very long I began to shuffle my way
through each day but my emotions dripped
with sadness don’t get me wrong I was
able to laugh and have fun and enjoy
myself but there were moments that were
weighed down in sadness and I couldn’t
seem to shake it but I had to get up
keep moving and push through the motion
the last one is practice as time passes
since loss those who have experienced it
create sort of a routine in preparation
for any questions concerning their loss
their loved one or any uncomfortable
remarks made about their particular
situation I’ve perfected my response the
questions how are you doing where’s your
mom and to the some sometimes
insensitive jokes that are made in my
presence I know the exact infliction
tone an amount to say to make sure the
conversation moves past my grief I
realize now that the reason I practice
so much is because of the embarrassment
of grief Noah wants to say that someone
I loved died or that what you said makes
me feel uncomfortable or that no
actually I’m not doing okay this is my
path of grief it has taken its own turns
and its own twists yours is going to
look different from mine it will be
unique to you but how do we get over
this the grief in the morning
the confusion fear anger apathy
bitterness and embarrassment of it all
there is no instruction for this grief
is not a toy that requires assembly
a lot of people say that time heals all
but I don’t believe that therapist and
author dr. Lonnie Leary states that the
great healer of our grief is not time
but validation and in order for our
grief to be validated it must be held by
someone willing to listen to it without
judgment or comparison an important
characteristic of validation is
realizing that even though your pain is
different from mine it is still pain so
my friend who went through her breakup
that might have been the worst pain she
had ever experienced but that does not
mean it is any less important than mine
grief is grief no matter the cause
validation can be as simple as listening
to somebody speak about their loss or
about their heartache or can be as
intricate as going on an Eat Pray Love
type of journey my biggest moment of
validation occurred a whole year after
my mother passed when I was in a math
class with my friend Rebecca I was
wearing a t-shirt from the restaurant
Chuy’s from Waco Texas and had a fish on
it but it said keep Waco wacko for
Baylor University my friend didn’t
realize that it was from a restaurant
and she asked me why Baylor had a shirt
with a fish on it instead of replying I
burst into tears I have no idea why I
think it was the motion of my sadness
that rose up that day she apologized she
said she didn’t mean to make me upset
but the thing is she didn’t make me
upset I was already upset and in a way
I’ll probably always be upset but she
sat there while I cried and listened to
me she validated my grief by holding it
without judgement or comparison for a
long while after my mother passed I was
rooted in my fear I had a fear that I
began to forget her I had an urgency and
obligation to memorialize her in any way
that I could we kept her clothes that
were 2 sizes too small for me her
furniture that we would never use and
her size 7 shoes that would never fit my
size 9 feet I was carrying her memory
like a burden in a backpack and it was
weighing me down I didn’t know how to
shake it off
I figured out now
that I needed to take snapshots and
pictures of the moments and memories I
held dearest and put them in a wallet
instead of a backpack I’ve integrated
them in my life love them learn from
them and I’ve taught them so put your
memories and your loved one in your
wallet rather than a backpack and pull
them out when you need them those who
have lost are always morning and never
morning I’m in denial I’m bargaining I’m
angry and I’m depressed all at once and
sometimes never at all grief is not a
checklist which you can just go through
the steps it’s a novel in which you can
find the chapters you need and use them
when you need one of the biggest lies
about grief is that it ends in closure
that if you follow each stage to its
entirety you’ll be cured of your sadness
and can finally move on I don’t believe
that when you lose someone you love you
never stop loving them they’re forever a
part of your landscape edged into the
background in your memory grief isn’t
about finding the light at the end of
the tunnel it’s about learning to find
the light within you the light within me
manifests into three small words it will
pass so I hold on to that wallet-sized
photo dearly and I breathe in the scent
of that discontinued perfume and I melt
into the word temporary I found the
light within me and one day I hope you
can find the light within you thank you
[Applause]
make look natural the scent of a
discontinued perfume from Victoria
Secret a sweater in her favorite shade
of pink draped over the shoulders from
the build of a woman only I could
recognize from behind and she was
standing right in front of me how could
it be her though
it couldn’t it had been years and as she
turned around I realized that the woman
standing in front of me in the middle of
the busy mall was not my mother who died
years before grief is deceiving in that
way it’ll make you see things that
aren’t there and it’ll make you feel
things you didn’t know you could maybe
you’ve been through it before
or maybe you’re currently going through
it but whatever the case may be I’m sure
you’ve realized that there are no amount
of books or articles to read therapy
sessions to attend medications to take
or even TED Talks to listen to to ever
help you fully understand what you’re
going through but let me share with you
my time to try and understand it grief
pertains to loss but not just the loss
of life it could be the loss of a loved
pet a childhood home the end of a
relationship or it could even be the
loss of the person you used to be this
is what makes us human we all experience
grief in some way shape or form grief is
not a one-and-done thing where you
experience it once and you can look back
on it fondly or sadly it is a building
on fire and you are filled with them my
biggest moment of grief came from losing
my mother when I was 17 years old she
passed away very suddenly
and after we lost her I spent years
researching on how to get over the death
of a loved one how to grieve correctly
and how to start and finish this process
as quickly and efficiently as possible
you see I wanted it out of my mind
and I wanted to move on to other things
so I thought to me sadness was a sign of
weakness and I wanted to prove to my
mother that she did not raise a weak
daughter there’s research that outlines
grief into five different stages called
the kubler-ross model it begins with
denial bargaining anger depression and
finally acceptance this is a very
generic formula for grief and in reality
grief is unique and very specific to
each person you can go through any stage
of grief at any point in time for any
length of time you can go through them
backwards you can speed through them or
you can go slow
you can skip stages if you need for
majority of people the path of grief
looks very different from what’s
mentioned in the kubler-ross model mine
sir Shirley did mine took sharp turns
and steep drops off cliffs after my
mother passed away I went through a lot
of different emotions but I’ve been able
to describe them into six different
feelings confusion fear stillness apathy
motion and practice the first one is
confusion I tend to think about my life
in two different parts life before death
and life after death there’s a moment in
time where both of these parts twist in
a state of emotional limbo that
manifests itself as confusion before my
mother passed away I knew exactly who I
was and what I was doing where I was
going and how I was going to get there
but after we lost her a fog rose in my
previous leisure path I had no idea what
I was doing or why I was doing it for
that matter people tend to think that
life after death refers to what happens
to your body or your soul when somebody
dies but I think it refers to how others
handle life when a person dies many
times confusion can turn into fear which
is the next emotion I felt something
that people have who have lost have a
lot of or
Christiane’s after we lost our mother my
feet were firmly planted in fear and
from that fear grew questions
well I turn out like her will she be
proud of the person I am am i doing the
right thing these are questions that
follow me to this day people have a
tendency to call their loved ones and
ask for advice or for help but when the
person who’s supposed to have the
answers isn’t there anymore
it’s frightening to try and find them on
your own the next one is stillness we
lost our mother on a Wednesday the day
before I had to take the AP u.s. History
exam and I was absolutely convinced that
I could not miss it for some reason so I
went to school and I kept my head down
and my voice though and I was able to
overhear what everyone was talking about
around me I heard girls talking about
the dress they bought for the upcoming
prom or the guys talking about the start
of baseball season and I remember
thinking to myself how are you able to
talk about this stuff why is no one as
sad as I am when you lose someone your
love your whole world stands still it
just takes a pause but while yours has
everyone else is still moving on I was
angry and I wanted to scream at them my
world has stopped
why hasn’t yours sometimes on the
anniversary of my mother’s passing I’ll
have a test scheduled for that day or
have to go into work and I’ll look at
everyone and want to ask how are you
able to get any work done how can you
keep studying don’t you know what today
is don’t you know my mother died the
next one is apathy one of the biggest
things I’ve seen be produced from grief
is bitterness
it tends to be unintentional but it also
is automatic the example I’m going to
use falls along the lines of a common
phrase finish your dinner there are
children starving I had a friend who was
going through a terrible breakup and she
was absolutely heartbroken while she was
telling me about it
I suddenly snapped and I said you’re so
selfish how can you even talk about this
don’t you know that there are people
worse off than you
I was bitter and apathetic you see to me
I had experience to lost so monumental
years before that if somebody hadn’t
experienced something similar it didn’t
warrant the same kind of understanding I
mentioned before stillness and the anger
found in it the next emotion I felt was
motion the opposite of stillness once I
realized that the world doesn’t stop for
very long I began to shuffle my way
through each day but my emotions dripped
with sadness don’t get me wrong I was
able to laugh and have fun and enjoy
myself but there were moments that were
weighed down in sadness and I couldn’t
seem to shake it but I had to get up
keep moving and push through the motion
the last one is practice as time passes
since loss those who have experienced it
create sort of a routine in preparation
for any questions concerning their loss
their loved one or any uncomfortable
remarks made about their particular
situation I’ve perfected my response the
questions how are you doing where’s your
mom and to the some sometimes
insensitive jokes that are made in my
presence I know the exact infliction
tone an amount to say to make sure the
conversation moves past my grief I
realize now that the reason I practice
so much is because of the embarrassment
of grief Noah wants to say that someone
I loved died or that what you said makes
me feel uncomfortable or that no
actually I’m not doing okay this is my
path of grief it has taken its own turns
and its own twists yours is going to
look different from mine it will be
unique to you but how do we get over
this the grief in the morning
the confusion fear anger apathy
bitterness and embarrassment of it all
there is no instruction for this grief
is not a toy that requires assembly
a lot of people say that time heals all
but I don’t believe that therapist and
author dr. Lonnie Leary states that the
great healer of our grief is not time
but validation and in order for our
grief to be validated it must be held by
someone willing to listen to it without
judgment or comparison an important
characteristic of validation is
realizing that even though your pain is
different from mine it is still pain so
my friend who went through her breakup
that might have been the worst pain she
had ever experienced but that does not
mean it is any less important than mine
grief is grief no matter the cause
validation can be as simple as listening
to somebody speak about their loss or
about their heartache or can be as
intricate as going on an Eat Pray Love
type of journey my biggest moment of
validation occurred a whole year after
my mother passed when I was in a math
class with my friend Rebecca I was
wearing a t-shirt from the restaurant
Chuy’s from Waco Texas and had a fish on
it but it said keep Waco wacko for
Baylor University my friend didn’t
realize that it was from a restaurant
and she asked me why Baylor had a shirt
with a fish on it instead of replying I
burst into tears I have no idea why I
think it was the motion of my sadness
that rose up that day she apologized she
said she didn’t mean to make me upset
but the thing is she didn’t make me
upset I was already upset and in a way
I’ll probably always be upset but she
sat there while I cried and listened to
me she validated my grief by holding it
without judgement or comparison for a
long while after my mother passed I was
rooted in my fear I had a fear that I
began to forget her I had an urgency and
obligation to memorialize her in any way
that I could we kept her clothes that
were 2 sizes too small for me her
furniture that we would never use and
her size 7 shoes that would never fit my
size 9 feet I was carrying her memory
like a burden in a backpack and it was
weighing me down I didn’t know how to
shake it off
I figured out now
that I needed to take snapshots and
pictures of the moments and memories I
held dearest and put them in a wallet
instead of a backpack I’ve integrated
them in my life love them learn from
them and I’ve taught them so put your
memories and your loved one in your
wallet rather than a backpack and pull
them out when you need them those who
have lost are always morning and never
morning I’m in denial I’m bargaining I’m
angry and I’m depressed all at once and
sometimes never at all grief is not a
checklist which you can just go through
the steps it’s a novel in which you can
find the chapters you need and use them
when you need one of the biggest lies
about grief is that it ends in closure
that if you follow each stage to its
entirety you’ll be cured of your sadness
and can finally move on I don’t believe
that when you lose someone you love you
never stop loving them they’re forever a
part of your landscape edged into the
background in your memory grief isn’t
about finding the light at the end of
the tunnel it’s about learning to find
the light within you the light within me
manifests into three small words it will
pass so I hold on to that wallet-sized
photo dearly and I breathe in the scent
of that discontinued perfume and I melt
into the word temporary I found the
light within me and one day I hope you
can find the light within you thank you
[Applause]
Please follow and like us: