thank you for coming let me share my
story about Shem as a shame as Scot I
told you almost every child has somebody
or something they grow up with maybe a
favorite doll or teddy bear or a cat or
dog or maybe a sister or brother or a
good friend and it’s all normal
there are so fun and helped us to grow
grow up and I can tell you that I had a
couple of these friends in my life when
I was little but I also I would say that
I grow grew up with monsters I grew up
with three big evil fat monsters called
shame guilt and fear I will talk about
them later to you but let me share a
couple of stories from my life first I
was I was born in a very broken family
and my I wasn’t abused kid and I was
abused not by sexually or physically but
I would say I was I was abused by life
and I was abused by my mom directly and
I was abused by my family indirectly
because they couldn’t help me or what
they didn’t want to help me I don’t know
when I was a little baby my mother
became schizophrenic paranoid literally
a lunatic then was one of the main
reason why my parents divorced when I
was 9 and after my parents separation my
brother left the family house and went
to the US and after when my brother left
the whole family was abandoned I was
left alone with my mom and maybe you
guess or maybe I don’t know maybe you
know how hard to grow up
live with a schizophrenic person so I
could I could share many of the stories
but I wouldn’t say it it’s just hard or
difficult but from my experience I would
say it’s hell it’s it’s like hell on
earth to live and grow up with a mom who
schizophrenic or a lunatic lunatic so I
could tell a couple of stories typical
stories what I experienced what I had to
go through as a kid and I remember in an
incident when my mom literally came to
me and said son we’re going to leave our
home our town or country forever we
won’t come back ever I packed all of
your clothes in a suitcase I took out
all of our money from the bank account
and we’re not going to come back and it
just happened as just as she said in an
hour I found myself in a car and as a 10
years old I was just thinking about okay
I’m going to leave all of my friends
here I’m not going to finish my school
in Budapest and we’re gonna leave
everything behind literally everything
so in couple hours we ended up in Graz
Austria and we stayed a couple of days
and suddenly three days later my mom
changed her mind and she said no no
we’re gonna go back home we’re gonna
continue our life in Budapest so we just
came back and I had to go to school next
day and I had to take an exam now of
course I failed so home was like hell to
me but school became another place where
I experienced hell as a kid many times I
just couldn’t sleep because my mom came
into my room and started to talk about
about her obsessions and and finally
when she just finished I just couldn’t
sleep because of the stories what I
heard so it’s very hard for me and then
I remember sometimes I try to avoid my
mom in the house so I just sneak
to the streets as a little kid and I was
just wandering on the streets
until like midnight 1 a.m. 2 a.m. and I
felt so lost as a kid or I remember
there was one of my hardest story in my
life when I had to woke up middle of the
night and it happened couple of times
when I was a kid so I woke up middle of
the night because I heard my mother’s
cream screaming like an animal I cannot
imitate that voice and see she just
screamed for hours and I I have tried to
help her as a kid and I couldn’t because
I was so little and I felt shame because
I couldn’t help and then I remember I
couldn’t invite any of my friends to my
house because mother my mother was so
aggressive with them with her inhale in
her speech and with her obsessions so as
a teenager it was so embarrassing to me
I couldn’t take it and of course we were
very poor because of this all the
madness what he had and I felt myself so
unattractive and lost because I didn’t
have nice clothes for nice shoes so it
was another embarrassing thing in my
life and I could share many of many of
the stories what I what I had is a kid
but when I was teenager I started to
play with a thought to kill myself to
committing suicide to stop this madness
what I experienced in my life and I was
so little I was young but I didn’t want
to die but I just tried to solve the
problems so when I was 13 years old not
me but my mom committed suicide so her
friend boyfriend one morning came to my
room and said son your mom committed
suicide last night so she’s in the
hospital and I was so devastated I was
so shocked I just didn’t know what
happened if she was real alive or
was was she dead or I just didn’t know
and and I was paralyzed I couldn’t do
anything but next morning I decided I
will go to the hospital so you can
imagine I was 13 years old and it was a
special DEP department in the hospital
so had to sleep in the hospital through
the guards the nurses the doctors and I
was walking on the long corridors I was
weeping in the rooms to just find her
and finally I found her in the room and
doctors saved her life it was a very
good news for me but at that moment when
I was in the hospital room I just saw
something what I never forget I just saw
bodies on their bed so incapable and
fragile and disgusting I can tell and
that was the weakest thing what I ever
heard in that moment I decided I’m not
going to solve my problems by suicide
never it’s not a solution so an on and
on there are so many stories but the
final thing what I experienced of the
teenager that was the toughest and
hardest thing for me a realization when
I realized that I want to solve my
problems I want to stop this madness in
my life and sometimes I wished for my
mother’s death that was the toughest
thing in my life just even on the cost
of my mother’s dead to solve the
problems and leave finally a normal life
but you can imagine after this thought I
felt I’m the worst person of the world
the most evil kid and just I just felt
that shame and fear and guilt will eat
up my soul and in the beginning I told
you that I grew up with monsters and
after these stories and after this
thought to committing suicide with this
for my mother’s death
I saw three monsters around me
shame fear and guilt and they weren’t
just big and evil but they were very
aggressive and when I was down when I
was in my darkest hours the kid they
just came to me and said kid you’re not
going to make it you’re the most evil
person of the world you’re so bad you’re
going to miss all the chance to be happy
and you don’t deserve a happy life who
do you think you are look at yourself
you’re a loser and I can tell these
monsters are very dangerous fear guilt a
shame are very dangerous but the most
dangerous monster was in my life
is shame why what what shame what is it
what shame is shame is like negative or
very painful emotion or feeling caused
by our guilt or shortcomings or Malisse
awareness when we feel we’re stupid
we’re not enough we bad with evil and so
on and shame in my life and and I look
back shame saturated my life when I was
a teenager let me share just a little
story from my recent life because these
stories are very old it’s happened like
25-30 years ago but if you would have
asked me what would be my worst moment
in my summer this summer I would have
answered that August 12 around 5:45 to
6:00 this moment why this is sigell
festival music freedom love fun but not
for me because to be honest before I
came here I went through my hardest
depressed period of my life because of
my childhood I sometimes I just struggle
with depression like sometimes I cannot
get out from my bed and do my daily
routine work be around
meeting with people literally my normal
life or just preparing for a talk
especially in English is not my first
language it was so hard to an end and I
just realized I just met with these
three monsters again and they just came
to me and said see you’re so weak you’re
depressed you cannot do that you cannot
be prepared you don’t have enough energy
and stamina to do that and you will lose
and you will be so ridiculous on the
stage and honestly I I just I was just
listening to them for weeks look like I
was listening to them as a kid but I
decided okay I’m gonna stop this madness
again because I stopped my madness when
I was a teenager and I stood up I
finished all my school’s
I went to the University I work and I
have others – making better decisions so
how I stopped this method madness Ernest
Hemingway one of my favorite author
liked and borrowed an idea from corrida
bullfighting and it’s called the moment
of truth or la hora de la verdad and
this moment when that then the
bullfighter kill the bull and win over
the bull and this guy Bull Ferreira has
like two swords special swords not two
but a couple of them and and sticks
these swords into the Bulls neck and if
he just pierced a right amount of sword
into the Bulls neck the bull will bleed
out and give up and lay down to the
ground and this is not the moment of
truth here the moment of truth when the
when the toreador the bullfighters just
kneels down in front of this massive
dangerous animal and bends down and look
into the bull’s eyes and show
I won’t over you
this is the moment of truth in
bullfighting and Ernest Hemingway just
loved this idea and he thought this is
one of the most glorious moment in life
so when I was teenager and just couple
months ago I had my own moment of truth
because I found swords to fight and win
over my bull bleed out my bull or win
over my monsters and let me share just
four swords with you maybe it’s gonna be
useful for you
sword number one when I was a teenager I
started to love others and let others to
love me so I started to find people who
are like trustable and accepted me as as
I am with bitter with my fault and
lifted up my strength and gave me
courage and just sometimes limits simply
told me that you are aware you are
valuable because I was aware valuable
there was not a sword number one but so
number two when I started to to be brave
enough to be vulnerable or honest so
when I found these people I found a
common ground with them and I could
share about my shame and guilt and fear
what I had as a teenager because of all
the mass and and when I just started to
be honest with these guys I just figured
out that vulnerability and honesty is
not a weakness it’s a strength
it gave me just like fresh air to my
soul I just I had fresh and in my lungs
but I felt so this this is a sword
sword Luxor number three is coming so
when I saw number three is when I
started to distinguish between guilt and
shame because they’re not the same at
all there’s a huge difference between
guilt and shame because guilt is always
talking about us what we did about our
deeds it’s saying that you dis and that
you did a stupid thing you made a
mistake you did a terrible thing
but shame is totally different because
they using this this thought and he’s
talking like this you are stupid you are
a mistake you are terrible and it’s not
the same communication because I can
tell you that if you can distinguish
between guilt and shame you can
understand a line what is a big courage
meant for me and I want to courage you
guys today that we can make mistakes and
we will do mistakes but we are not equal
with our mistakes
we’re not equal with our mistakes this
is sword number three so sword number
four the last one when I started to
leave as a teenager live on my strength
and not on my fear or weaknesses when I
discovered that I had strength and I
have value then I enjoyed my life better
and my strength just confirmed I’m
valuable so it doesn’t it doesn’t mean
that I I didn’t work on my weaknesses
but as I started to live on my strengths
I asked others to help me to overcome my
weaknesses and it’s very important to
include others in to solve our problems
so in the end when I see monsters in my
life I just learned that I have to let
in others in the circle I let love in
the circle of others love or I let
honesty in the circle I let success in
the circle strength and honesty and so
many things so on and on and I can see
my monsters get pushed out from the from
the circle and I can if I use these
swords I can bleed out my bull or win
over my monster or in the end I can tell
that I can feel my my moment of truth so
I hope it was good for you guys maybe
you can use my stories and thank you
very much for listening
[Music] [Applause]
story about Shem as a shame as Scot I
told you almost every child has somebody
or something they grow up with maybe a
favorite doll or teddy bear or a cat or
dog or maybe a sister or brother or a
good friend and it’s all normal
there are so fun and helped us to grow
grow up and I can tell you that I had a
couple of these friends in my life when
I was little but I also I would say that
I grow grew up with monsters I grew up
with three big evil fat monsters called
shame guilt and fear I will talk about
them later to you but let me share a
couple of stories from my life first I
was I was born in a very broken family
and my I wasn’t abused kid and I was
abused not by sexually or physically but
I would say I was I was abused by life
and I was abused by my mom directly and
I was abused by my family indirectly
because they couldn’t help me or what
they didn’t want to help me I don’t know
when I was a little baby my mother
became schizophrenic paranoid literally
a lunatic then was one of the main
reason why my parents divorced when I
was 9 and after my parents separation my
brother left the family house and went
to the US and after when my brother left
the whole family was abandoned I was
left alone with my mom and maybe you
guess or maybe I don’t know maybe you
know how hard to grow up
live with a schizophrenic person so I
could I could share many of the stories
but I wouldn’t say it it’s just hard or
difficult but from my experience I would
say it’s hell it’s it’s like hell on
earth to live and grow up with a mom who
schizophrenic or a lunatic lunatic so I
could tell a couple of stories typical
stories what I experienced what I had to
go through as a kid and I remember in an
incident when my mom literally came to
me and said son we’re going to leave our
home our town or country forever we
won’t come back ever I packed all of
your clothes in a suitcase I took out
all of our money from the bank account
and we’re not going to come back and it
just happened as just as she said in an
hour I found myself in a car and as a 10
years old I was just thinking about okay
I’m going to leave all of my friends
here I’m not going to finish my school
in Budapest and we’re gonna leave
everything behind literally everything
so in couple hours we ended up in Graz
Austria and we stayed a couple of days
and suddenly three days later my mom
changed her mind and she said no no
we’re gonna go back home we’re gonna
continue our life in Budapest so we just
came back and I had to go to school next
day and I had to take an exam now of
course I failed so home was like hell to
me but school became another place where
I experienced hell as a kid many times I
just couldn’t sleep because my mom came
into my room and started to talk about
about her obsessions and and finally
when she just finished I just couldn’t
sleep because of the stories what I
heard so it’s very hard for me and then
I remember sometimes I try to avoid my
mom in the house so I just sneak
to the streets as a little kid and I was
just wandering on the streets
until like midnight 1 a.m. 2 a.m. and I
felt so lost as a kid or I remember
there was one of my hardest story in my
life when I had to woke up middle of the
night and it happened couple of times
when I was a kid so I woke up middle of
the night because I heard my mother’s
cream screaming like an animal I cannot
imitate that voice and see she just
screamed for hours and I I have tried to
help her as a kid and I couldn’t because
I was so little and I felt shame because
I couldn’t help and then I remember I
couldn’t invite any of my friends to my
house because mother my mother was so
aggressive with them with her inhale in
her speech and with her obsessions so as
a teenager it was so embarrassing to me
I couldn’t take it and of course we were
very poor because of this all the
madness what he had and I felt myself so
unattractive and lost because I didn’t
have nice clothes for nice shoes so it
was another embarrassing thing in my
life and I could share many of many of
the stories what I what I had is a kid
but when I was teenager I started to
play with a thought to kill myself to
committing suicide to stop this madness
what I experienced in my life and I was
so little I was young but I didn’t want
to die but I just tried to solve the
problems so when I was 13 years old not
me but my mom committed suicide so her
friend boyfriend one morning came to my
room and said son your mom committed
suicide last night so she’s in the
hospital and I was so devastated I was
so shocked I just didn’t know what
happened if she was real alive or
was was she dead or I just didn’t know
and and I was paralyzed I couldn’t do
anything but next morning I decided I
will go to the hospital so you can
imagine I was 13 years old and it was a
special DEP department in the hospital
so had to sleep in the hospital through
the guards the nurses the doctors and I
was walking on the long corridors I was
weeping in the rooms to just find her
and finally I found her in the room and
doctors saved her life it was a very
good news for me but at that moment when
I was in the hospital room I just saw
something what I never forget I just saw
bodies on their bed so incapable and
fragile and disgusting I can tell and
that was the weakest thing what I ever
heard in that moment I decided I’m not
going to solve my problems by suicide
never it’s not a solution so an on and
on there are so many stories but the
final thing what I experienced of the
teenager that was the toughest and
hardest thing for me a realization when
I realized that I want to solve my
problems I want to stop this madness in
my life and sometimes I wished for my
mother’s death that was the toughest
thing in my life just even on the cost
of my mother’s dead to solve the
problems and leave finally a normal life
but you can imagine after this thought I
felt I’m the worst person of the world
the most evil kid and just I just felt
that shame and fear and guilt will eat
up my soul and in the beginning I told
you that I grew up with monsters and
after these stories and after this
thought to committing suicide with this
for my mother’s death
I saw three monsters around me
shame fear and guilt and they weren’t
just big and evil but they were very
aggressive and when I was down when I
was in my darkest hours the kid they
just came to me and said kid you’re not
going to make it you’re the most evil
person of the world you’re so bad you’re
going to miss all the chance to be happy
and you don’t deserve a happy life who
do you think you are look at yourself
you’re a loser and I can tell these
monsters are very dangerous fear guilt a
shame are very dangerous but the most
dangerous monster was in my life
is shame why what what shame what is it
what shame is shame is like negative or
very painful emotion or feeling caused
by our guilt or shortcomings or Malisse
awareness when we feel we’re stupid
we’re not enough we bad with evil and so
on and shame in my life and and I look
back shame saturated my life when I was
a teenager let me share just a little
story from my recent life because these
stories are very old it’s happened like
25-30 years ago but if you would have
asked me what would be my worst moment
in my summer this summer I would have
answered that August 12 around 5:45 to
6:00 this moment why this is sigell
festival music freedom love fun but not
for me because to be honest before I
came here I went through my hardest
depressed period of my life because of
my childhood I sometimes I just struggle
with depression like sometimes I cannot
get out from my bed and do my daily
routine work be around
meeting with people literally my normal
life or just preparing for a talk
especially in English is not my first
language it was so hard to an end and I
just realized I just met with these
three monsters again and they just came
to me and said see you’re so weak you’re
depressed you cannot do that you cannot
be prepared you don’t have enough energy
and stamina to do that and you will lose
and you will be so ridiculous on the
stage and honestly I I just I was just
listening to them for weeks look like I
was listening to them as a kid but I
decided okay I’m gonna stop this madness
again because I stopped my madness when
I was a teenager and I stood up I
finished all my school’s
I went to the University I work and I
have others – making better decisions so
how I stopped this method madness Ernest
Hemingway one of my favorite author
liked and borrowed an idea from corrida
bullfighting and it’s called the moment
of truth or la hora de la verdad and
this moment when that then the
bullfighter kill the bull and win over
the bull and this guy Bull Ferreira has
like two swords special swords not two
but a couple of them and and sticks
these swords into the Bulls neck and if
he just pierced a right amount of sword
into the Bulls neck the bull will bleed
out and give up and lay down to the
ground and this is not the moment of
truth here the moment of truth when the
when the toreador the bullfighters just
kneels down in front of this massive
dangerous animal and bends down and look
into the bull’s eyes and show
I won’t over you
this is the moment of truth in
bullfighting and Ernest Hemingway just
loved this idea and he thought this is
one of the most glorious moment in life
so when I was teenager and just couple
months ago I had my own moment of truth
because I found swords to fight and win
over my bull bleed out my bull or win
over my monsters and let me share just
four swords with you maybe it’s gonna be
useful for you
sword number one when I was a teenager I
started to love others and let others to
love me so I started to find people who
are like trustable and accepted me as as
I am with bitter with my fault and
lifted up my strength and gave me
courage and just sometimes limits simply
told me that you are aware you are
valuable because I was aware valuable
there was not a sword number one but so
number two when I started to to be brave
enough to be vulnerable or honest so
when I found these people I found a
common ground with them and I could
share about my shame and guilt and fear
what I had as a teenager because of all
the mass and and when I just started to
be honest with these guys I just figured
out that vulnerability and honesty is
not a weakness it’s a strength
it gave me just like fresh air to my
soul I just I had fresh and in my lungs
but I felt so this this is a sword
sword Luxor number three is coming so
when I saw number three is when I
started to distinguish between guilt and
shame because they’re not the same at
all there’s a huge difference between
guilt and shame because guilt is always
talking about us what we did about our
deeds it’s saying that you dis and that
you did a stupid thing you made a
mistake you did a terrible thing
but shame is totally different because
they using this this thought and he’s
talking like this you are stupid you are
a mistake you are terrible and it’s not
the same communication because I can
tell you that if you can distinguish
between guilt and shame you can
understand a line what is a big courage
meant for me and I want to courage you
guys today that we can make mistakes and
we will do mistakes but we are not equal
with our mistakes
we’re not equal with our mistakes this
is sword number three so sword number
four the last one when I started to
leave as a teenager live on my strength
and not on my fear or weaknesses when I
discovered that I had strength and I
have value then I enjoyed my life better
and my strength just confirmed I’m
valuable so it doesn’t it doesn’t mean
that I I didn’t work on my weaknesses
but as I started to live on my strengths
I asked others to help me to overcome my
weaknesses and it’s very important to
include others in to solve our problems
so in the end when I see monsters in my
life I just learned that I have to let
in others in the circle I let love in
the circle of others love or I let
honesty in the circle I let success in
the circle strength and honesty and so
many things so on and on and I can see
my monsters get pushed out from the from
the circle and I can if I use these
swords I can bleed out my bull or win
over my monster or in the end I can tell
that I can feel my my moment of truth so
I hope it was good for you guys maybe
you can use my stories and thank you
very much for listening
[Music] [Applause]
Please follow and like us: