good afternoon everyone
it’s exciting to be here before I start
I’d like to ask all of you two simple
questions with a show of hands how many
of you have wanted something and tried
to get it by asking for it great that’s
all of us now keep your hands up
if you have gotten everything that you
asked for yeah that’s what I thought
none of us so we’re at least on the same
page we have all had some of our
requests refused or to put it in terms
of my talk today we have all experienced
rejection rejection is pervasive
throughout our lives I remember as a
child I was always refused second
servings of dessert I’ve had school
applications and job applications
rejected I’ve asked to go out on dates
and been turned down and I’ve even asked
for help from friends and sometimes been
ignored rejection exists everywhere
including in my industry my career
involves traveling the globe teaching
people how to connect through salsa
dancing not sure how many of you are
familiar with the dance but for most of
us the image that comes to mind is one
of fun passion and lots of smiles it’s
also a great environment to experience a
lot of rejection and it’s actually where
I learned the most about it when I first
started dancing I used to get asked to
dance a lot could have been because I
was always bubbly and smiling or maybe
just because I was a new face on the
block either way I was always on the
dance floor with very little effort of
my party eventually however people
realized that I was an absolute beginner
with zero technique and Dancing with me
was a little bit more pain than pleasure
so naturally the requests to ask me to
dance declined and if I wanted to dance
I had to be the one asking now it’s
nerve-racking especially as a beginner
not knowing anyone to work up the
courage and ask someone
dents it was even harder if that person
happened to be surrounded by all of
their cool friends and then the hardest
part was finally asking and hearing no
now maybe you’re thinking
so what Magna you said it yourself we’ve
all experienced rejection we’ve all
heard the word know what makes dance so
different and you’re partially right but
let’s take the example of getting
rejected from a job or a date the
chances of us asking again within
seconds are pretty slim most likely a
few days weeks or even months will pass
before we make another attempt partner
dancing on the other hand takes
rejection to a whole new level nowhere
have I experienced as much rejection as
I haven’t danced let me take you through
a typical night out to try and explain I
would usually go out dancing for about
three or four hours the average song
lasts five minutes so that’s about 12
songs in an hour I of course wanted to
dance to all of them but initially I was
getting rejected at least half the time
which meant six rejections in just one
hour and sometimes if I really want us
to dance to a particular song I would
ask until I got on the dance floor which
sometimes meant three or four rejections
within the first 30 seconds of a song
those numbers are ridiculous I can’t
think of any other aspect of life where
you have that many rejections in that
short of a time
well maybe telemarketing I don’t know
but even then now the problem with
rejection is not so much in the word no
it’s the way it makes us feel think
about the last time you were rejected
from something how did you feel
were you tense did your heart sink into
your stomach did you feel defeated and
worthless
now take that feeling and multiply it by
the numbers in the frequency of
rejections I was receiving and you might
have an idea of how low I felt of course
my initial reaction to this experience
was this sucks I’m gonna pretend it
never happened
but dance doesn’t afford that luxury
because if you wanted to improve which I
clearly did you had to keep on dancing
and in order to dance you had to keep on
asking which basically meant every five
minutes you had to set yourself up for
another potential rejection and it took
me some time to realize that rejection
was like any other experience in life
there were lessons to be learned and
opportunities for growth I just had to
find them but I couldn’t do that if I
kept on pretending it never happened
so I revisited some of those experiences
and the first lesson I learned was to
not take rejection personally even if it
was personal against my level of skill
at that moment it said nothing about my
ability to improve and be better in the
future
the second lesson I learned was to take
each request I made and each rejection I
received like a case study and analyze
it and refine my technique for asking
how I asked when I asked in whom I asked
I ended up learning a lot more about
myself and how to read people
and what I found was when I took
rejection personally I was hurt and I
was disappointed sure maybe my first and
second rejections were full of
enthusiasm with this big smile and a
high would you like to dance
but after getting that smile but after
getting rejected a couple of times I was
dull and resentful I had a look of
misery on my face and my requests
sounded more like you want to dance no
how about you you want to dance okay
maybe I didn’t turn into grumpy cat but
needless to say people were rejecting my
negative energy well before I had a
chance to ask them for anything when I
switched and stopped making it personal
and focused instead on my goal of
getting on the dance floor and having
fun
my entire demeanor was much more
positive and pleasant I was confident
and accepting of whatever answer I would
receive add to that the fact that I no
longer asked just anyone and everyone to
dance but I focused my efforts on asking
people that seemed equally enthusiastic
about getting on the dance floor well
you can guess I ended up getting a lot
more yeses and this whole experience
helped me redefine success as not just
including the yes but also including
this learning process and these two
tools that I used learning from it and
not taking it personally
we’re invaluable not only in my dance
life but also my personal and
professional life in dealing with
rejection but there’s a flipside clearly
if someone is receiving a rejection
someone is dishing it out and I’m not
sure about all of you but as hard as it
is for me to hear the word no it’s
always been much harder for me to tell
someone now because of saying no hurts
then I’m responsible for hurting someone
and since hurting someone isn’t socially
acceptable I always had this feeling
that rejecting someone wasn’t either
unfortunately we live in this world
where being agreeable is praised over
being objectionable
we’re sacrificing your wants and desires
are held in higher regard than standing
up for them where when I say yes people
call me a sweetheart
and when I say no people call me a bitch
we feel entitled when asking and obliged
when asked in my dance community it’s no
different in fact there’s this unspoken
expectation that if someone works up the
courage and asks you to dance you better
honor it and say yes no matter what
because rejecting them would have a
negative impact on them sure when I was
doing all the asking couldn’t agree more
but when I improved and started being
asked more often I realized that saying
yes could also have a negative impact so
I had to learn how and when it was
important to say no unfortunately my
lesson came in the form of an injury
it’s a little bit of background
information my reputation in my dance
community is one of this kind and sweet
Energizer Bunny who dances all night
with everyone and almost never says no
but then I got injured sprained ankle
and broke my toe twice on the same foot
and despite the pain my fear of losing
my reputation outweighed any respect I
had for my body it was only after three
years of being at sub-optimal health
that I realized if I didn’t learn how to
say no and take care of myself I could
cause permanent damage to my body so
finally learning how to say no helped me
recover and get back into dance full
force so obviously this was a case where
my rejection was a benefit to me but
there are plenty of occasions in dance
where my rejection was also a benefit to
someone else as I mentioned before salsa
dancing is a social dance which involves
a lot of asking and sure there were
times when I was on the fence when asked
but once I said yes I ended up having a
great time but they were also time
when I really didn’t want to dance with
the person that asked me and whatever
the reason when I caved and I said yes I
ended up causing more harm than good
because my heart and my mind were
elsewhere I was distracted sometimes I
was even annoyed and resentful for
feeling like I got sucked into doing
something I didn’t want to do I might
have been smiling but it wasn’t genuine
and I’m sure my body language revealed
that by avoiding eye contact easily
irritated dismissive of my partner’s
enjoyment and just not participating
wholeheartedly I treated my partner like
a chore that I couldn’t wait to finish I
know that sounds harsh but it’s the
truth and I’d like to think that I’m a
great person once you get to know me but
if that five minute introduction was all
you had I doubt you’d want to spend
another minute in my presence at least
that’s how I felt when I danced with
someone like that so these days if I
feel I can’t be a hundred percent
present 100% present I’d rather say no
because my partner deserves better than
that now these are examples and dance
but there are plenty of moments like
this in life as well think about the
time that you weren’t feeling well and
you didn’t want to go out and your
friends begged you to come out and you
said yes
were you miserable and complaining even
if it was to yourself did you end up
feeling worse the next day because you
should have stayed home and rested I
know it’s hard to say no especially to
those people that are close to us but if
we can’t be our best then why are we
ruining their day also or how about that
time you said yes to a second date with
that person that you had zero interest
in because you didn’t want to be mean
was it nicer to get their hopes up
unnecessarily did you think that they
wanted to spend their valuable time
planning a special dinner only to have
you sit there for two hours revealing
your lack of interest with your short
replies and your frequent glances at
your cellphone if a five-minute dance
can have such an impact on us what do
you think the impact of a two-hour
dinner would be now when we look at
things this way meaning when we look at
the consequences of our words and our
actions I hope we can start to see where
our responsibility lies in all of it and
why it’s important to say no sometimes
our definition of rejection makes us
think that we’re delivering an insult
when we say no so I understand why there
is hesitancy but we can see that it can
also come from a place of respect and
consideration think of the examples I
just mentioned would you rather receive
an honest two-second no or spend hours
or more in the presence of a dishonest
yes not sure about all of you but
painful as it may be I would prefer the
honesty an honesty is important it’s
crucial but the actual line between
respect and insults lies in the delivery
in the key to a good delivery is empathy
whether we are receiving or delivering a
rejection we are dealing with human
beings treating them with compassion
politeness and respect makes it much
easier for us to speak openly and when
we don’t take or make things personal
and our kind with our words people are
more receptive to what we have to say we
can’t necessarily control their reaction
to our rejection but at least we can
walk away with a clear conscience when
we’ve taken extra care to be sensitive
when delivering it I know personally
switching from this attitude of
entitlement and obligation to one of
understanding and respect has
significantly improved not only my
dances but also my relationships off the
dance floor I’m more present now because
I value other people’s time and I take
responsibility for my choices I’m more
generous because I know that at least I
will respect my boundaries and my limits
and I’m kinder because I always engage
from a place of empathy it’s empowering
to take control of your yeses in your
nose and it’s liberating to not feel
obliged when asked and to not feel like
a victim of rejection and this comfort
was saying no is fantastic but getting
comfortable with saying no is not so
that we can walk out into the world
rejecting new people and new experiences
right left and center it’s just to
enable us to be honest about what we
want and what we can give at any
particular moment rejection does not
have to be this monster that we’re
scared to confront or scare to release
it is just an answer to a question
unless we define it differently and
compassion empathy resilience these are
all skills that we can develop I’ve
worked on them mainly through dance but
I get plenty of opportunities in life to
do that as well and so do you
so the next time you have to deal with
rejection don’t take it personally try
to learn from it and the next time you
have to deliver a rejection be kind
respectful empathetic and know that your
honesty in that moment is not an insult
it is the greatest sign of respect that
you can show to yourself and to someone
else now before I wrap up I would like
to share a short poem that I had written
it was at the TEDx speaker workshop we
were asked to summarize the impact of
our speech in a haiku and I hope that
these words will have an impact on you
as well now we are both here present and
sincere this is how we choose to live
thank you very much
[Applause]
it’s exciting to be here before I start
I’d like to ask all of you two simple
questions with a show of hands how many
of you have wanted something and tried
to get it by asking for it great that’s
all of us now keep your hands up
if you have gotten everything that you
asked for yeah that’s what I thought
none of us so we’re at least on the same
page we have all had some of our
requests refused or to put it in terms
of my talk today we have all experienced
rejection rejection is pervasive
throughout our lives I remember as a
child I was always refused second
servings of dessert I’ve had school
applications and job applications
rejected I’ve asked to go out on dates
and been turned down and I’ve even asked
for help from friends and sometimes been
ignored rejection exists everywhere
including in my industry my career
involves traveling the globe teaching
people how to connect through salsa
dancing not sure how many of you are
familiar with the dance but for most of
us the image that comes to mind is one
of fun passion and lots of smiles it’s
also a great environment to experience a
lot of rejection and it’s actually where
I learned the most about it when I first
started dancing I used to get asked to
dance a lot could have been because I
was always bubbly and smiling or maybe
just because I was a new face on the
block either way I was always on the
dance floor with very little effort of
my party eventually however people
realized that I was an absolute beginner
with zero technique and Dancing with me
was a little bit more pain than pleasure
so naturally the requests to ask me to
dance declined and if I wanted to dance
I had to be the one asking now it’s
nerve-racking especially as a beginner
not knowing anyone to work up the
courage and ask someone
dents it was even harder if that person
happened to be surrounded by all of
their cool friends and then the hardest
part was finally asking and hearing no
now maybe you’re thinking
so what Magna you said it yourself we’ve
all experienced rejection we’ve all
heard the word know what makes dance so
different and you’re partially right but
let’s take the example of getting
rejected from a job or a date the
chances of us asking again within
seconds are pretty slim most likely a
few days weeks or even months will pass
before we make another attempt partner
dancing on the other hand takes
rejection to a whole new level nowhere
have I experienced as much rejection as
I haven’t danced let me take you through
a typical night out to try and explain I
would usually go out dancing for about
three or four hours the average song
lasts five minutes so that’s about 12
songs in an hour I of course wanted to
dance to all of them but initially I was
getting rejected at least half the time
which meant six rejections in just one
hour and sometimes if I really want us
to dance to a particular song I would
ask until I got on the dance floor which
sometimes meant three or four rejections
within the first 30 seconds of a song
those numbers are ridiculous I can’t
think of any other aspect of life where
you have that many rejections in that
short of a time
well maybe telemarketing I don’t know
but even then now the problem with
rejection is not so much in the word no
it’s the way it makes us feel think
about the last time you were rejected
from something how did you feel
were you tense did your heart sink into
your stomach did you feel defeated and
worthless
now take that feeling and multiply it by
the numbers in the frequency of
rejections I was receiving and you might
have an idea of how low I felt of course
my initial reaction to this experience
was this sucks I’m gonna pretend it
never happened
but dance doesn’t afford that luxury
because if you wanted to improve which I
clearly did you had to keep on dancing
and in order to dance you had to keep on
asking which basically meant every five
minutes you had to set yourself up for
another potential rejection and it took
me some time to realize that rejection
was like any other experience in life
there were lessons to be learned and
opportunities for growth I just had to
find them but I couldn’t do that if I
kept on pretending it never happened
so I revisited some of those experiences
and the first lesson I learned was to
not take rejection personally even if it
was personal against my level of skill
at that moment it said nothing about my
ability to improve and be better in the
future
the second lesson I learned was to take
each request I made and each rejection I
received like a case study and analyze
it and refine my technique for asking
how I asked when I asked in whom I asked
I ended up learning a lot more about
myself and how to read people
and what I found was when I took
rejection personally I was hurt and I
was disappointed sure maybe my first and
second rejections were full of
enthusiasm with this big smile and a
high would you like to dance
but after getting that smile but after
getting rejected a couple of times I was
dull and resentful I had a look of
misery on my face and my requests
sounded more like you want to dance no
how about you you want to dance okay
maybe I didn’t turn into grumpy cat but
needless to say people were rejecting my
negative energy well before I had a
chance to ask them for anything when I
switched and stopped making it personal
and focused instead on my goal of
getting on the dance floor and having
fun
my entire demeanor was much more
positive and pleasant I was confident
and accepting of whatever answer I would
receive add to that the fact that I no
longer asked just anyone and everyone to
dance but I focused my efforts on asking
people that seemed equally enthusiastic
about getting on the dance floor well
you can guess I ended up getting a lot
more yeses and this whole experience
helped me redefine success as not just
including the yes but also including
this learning process and these two
tools that I used learning from it and
not taking it personally
we’re invaluable not only in my dance
life but also my personal and
professional life in dealing with
rejection but there’s a flipside clearly
if someone is receiving a rejection
someone is dishing it out and I’m not
sure about all of you but as hard as it
is for me to hear the word no it’s
always been much harder for me to tell
someone now because of saying no hurts
then I’m responsible for hurting someone
and since hurting someone isn’t socially
acceptable I always had this feeling
that rejecting someone wasn’t either
unfortunately we live in this world
where being agreeable is praised over
being objectionable
we’re sacrificing your wants and desires
are held in higher regard than standing
up for them where when I say yes people
call me a sweetheart
and when I say no people call me a bitch
we feel entitled when asking and obliged
when asked in my dance community it’s no
different in fact there’s this unspoken
expectation that if someone works up the
courage and asks you to dance you better
honor it and say yes no matter what
because rejecting them would have a
negative impact on them sure when I was
doing all the asking couldn’t agree more
but when I improved and started being
asked more often I realized that saying
yes could also have a negative impact so
I had to learn how and when it was
important to say no unfortunately my
lesson came in the form of an injury
it’s a little bit of background
information my reputation in my dance
community is one of this kind and sweet
Energizer Bunny who dances all night
with everyone and almost never says no
but then I got injured sprained ankle
and broke my toe twice on the same foot
and despite the pain my fear of losing
my reputation outweighed any respect I
had for my body it was only after three
years of being at sub-optimal health
that I realized if I didn’t learn how to
say no and take care of myself I could
cause permanent damage to my body so
finally learning how to say no helped me
recover and get back into dance full
force so obviously this was a case where
my rejection was a benefit to me but
there are plenty of occasions in dance
where my rejection was also a benefit to
someone else as I mentioned before salsa
dancing is a social dance which involves
a lot of asking and sure there were
times when I was on the fence when asked
but once I said yes I ended up having a
great time but they were also time
when I really didn’t want to dance with
the person that asked me and whatever
the reason when I caved and I said yes I
ended up causing more harm than good
because my heart and my mind were
elsewhere I was distracted sometimes I
was even annoyed and resentful for
feeling like I got sucked into doing
something I didn’t want to do I might
have been smiling but it wasn’t genuine
and I’m sure my body language revealed
that by avoiding eye contact easily
irritated dismissive of my partner’s
enjoyment and just not participating
wholeheartedly I treated my partner like
a chore that I couldn’t wait to finish I
know that sounds harsh but it’s the
truth and I’d like to think that I’m a
great person once you get to know me but
if that five minute introduction was all
you had I doubt you’d want to spend
another minute in my presence at least
that’s how I felt when I danced with
someone like that so these days if I
feel I can’t be a hundred percent
present 100% present I’d rather say no
because my partner deserves better than
that now these are examples and dance
but there are plenty of moments like
this in life as well think about the
time that you weren’t feeling well and
you didn’t want to go out and your
friends begged you to come out and you
said yes
were you miserable and complaining even
if it was to yourself did you end up
feeling worse the next day because you
should have stayed home and rested I
know it’s hard to say no especially to
those people that are close to us but if
we can’t be our best then why are we
ruining their day also or how about that
time you said yes to a second date with
that person that you had zero interest
in because you didn’t want to be mean
was it nicer to get their hopes up
unnecessarily did you think that they
wanted to spend their valuable time
planning a special dinner only to have
you sit there for two hours revealing
your lack of interest with your short
replies and your frequent glances at
your cellphone if a five-minute dance
can have such an impact on us what do
you think the impact of a two-hour
dinner would be now when we look at
things this way meaning when we look at
the consequences of our words and our
actions I hope we can start to see where
our responsibility lies in all of it and
why it’s important to say no sometimes
our definition of rejection makes us
think that we’re delivering an insult
when we say no so I understand why there
is hesitancy but we can see that it can
also come from a place of respect and
consideration think of the examples I
just mentioned would you rather receive
an honest two-second no or spend hours
or more in the presence of a dishonest
yes not sure about all of you but
painful as it may be I would prefer the
honesty an honesty is important it’s
crucial but the actual line between
respect and insults lies in the delivery
in the key to a good delivery is empathy
whether we are receiving or delivering a
rejection we are dealing with human
beings treating them with compassion
politeness and respect makes it much
easier for us to speak openly and when
we don’t take or make things personal
and our kind with our words people are
more receptive to what we have to say we
can’t necessarily control their reaction
to our rejection but at least we can
walk away with a clear conscience when
we’ve taken extra care to be sensitive
when delivering it I know personally
switching from this attitude of
entitlement and obligation to one of
understanding and respect has
significantly improved not only my
dances but also my relationships off the
dance floor I’m more present now because
I value other people’s time and I take
responsibility for my choices I’m more
generous because I know that at least I
will respect my boundaries and my limits
and I’m kinder because I always engage
from a place of empathy it’s empowering
to take control of your yeses in your
nose and it’s liberating to not feel
obliged when asked and to not feel like
a victim of rejection and this comfort
was saying no is fantastic but getting
comfortable with saying no is not so
that we can walk out into the world
rejecting new people and new experiences
right left and center it’s just to
enable us to be honest about what we
want and what we can give at any
particular moment rejection does not
have to be this monster that we’re
scared to confront or scare to release
it is just an answer to a question
unless we define it differently and
compassion empathy resilience these are
all skills that we can develop I’ve
worked on them mainly through dance but
I get plenty of opportunities in life to
do that as well and so do you
so the next time you have to deal with
rejection don’t take it personally try
to learn from it and the next time you
have to deliver a rejection be kind
respectful empathetic and know that your
honesty in that moment is not an insult
it is the greatest sign of respect that
you can show to yourself and to someone
else now before I wrap up I would like
to share a short poem that I had written
it was at the TEDx speaker workshop we
were asked to summarize the impact of
our speech in a haiku and I hope that
these words will have an impact on you
as well now we are both here present and
sincere this is how we choose to live
thank you very much
[Applause]
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