so you ever have one of those good ideas
like I’m gonna go skydiving or let’s do
this open mic night you said everything
emotion you can’t really back out and
you just think to yourself I’m really
reading this decision that’s me right
about now it’s not stage fright or
anything it’s just this topic I chose
and compassion in a time of grief I am
no mother Theresa
nobody has ever accused me of being over
emotional or commented on my empathy on
the other hand I had been called aloof
unaffected selfish more than she times
so I’m one of the last people to give a
talk with the word compassion in the
title in fact the only reason that I’m
here is because last year I started a
journey and that journey has
dramatically changed the way that I
think about these topics start off I
wanted to pose a question what if
something great what if all of these
great medical advances and these lower
infant mortality rates and longer
average lifespan what if all of these
great things have caused us to lose
something foundational to our humanity
now what I’m talking about here is
tragedy and specifically how closeness
to tragedy transforms us into more
compassionate people and how in a
society where we are allergic to tragedy
where Debbie downers are shunned and
positive thinking is gospel how we
delude ourselves into thinking that this
world is safer than it actually is
exempt from catastrophic loss now I
personally began this journey about a
year ago it was the day before
Thanksgiving I was fast asleep in bed I
was warm and safe
and I got that nightmare 3 a.m. a phone
call I found out that my sister died in
a car accident when something like this
happens we tend to run certain scripts
so in the beginning everybody knows the
script you have a funeral service people
send food they sent lots of food they
send flowers they visit and the inner
circle you’re together as a family
really separated from the outside world
but after the first month the script
disappears and that’s when no one knows
what to do anyone who has said anything
to me has said the same thing which is I
don’t know what to say but this
collective clumsiness around tragedy and
operating without a script
it sometimes causes people to choose
avoidance and they just sweep it under
the rug it got me thinking what if it
was impossible to sweep this discomfort
under the rug what if the threat of
random tragedy was in her face day in
and day out now this might seem strange
but this scenario that I’m describing it
actually existed not too long ago in
this country there’s a time when death
was on every single block it was
impossible to ignore now I learned about
this a few weeks after my sister had
passed it was right before Christmas and
my family had gathered for an annual
tradition of watching It’s a Wonderful
Life now there’s this really famous
scene in the movie where Mary loses her
bathrobe and she’s hiding in his
rosebush and so George scoops up the
bathrobe and he’s like well what I do
with this situation and it’s really
playful and then suddenly this car zooms
up and it’s George’s uncle and he
screams that George George your father
he’s had a stroke
George tosses the bathrobe to the rose
bush and he leaves and the very next
scene we see this George’s
he’s in some sort of a business meeting
I don’t know if you guys have noticed
this but he’s wearing this black armband
now only two generations ago black
armbands were extremely common they’ve
been used in our society for hundreds of
years to signal mourning as had a
retinue of other mourning clothes
jewelry other traditions that have all
been forgotten now this may seem strange
but that looks like compassion to me I’m
not the only one but let me explain the
host of The Late Show Stephen Colbert
when he was only 10 years old
he lost his father and his two brothers
in a plane crash
now in interviews Colbert talks about
his grief over the years being his
secret name you see he had his real name
but he had this secret name that no one
could pronounce yet it identified him to
his core his secret name black armbands
are compassionate because they are the
visual representation of that which
cannot be described with words you’re
literally wearing your emotions on your
sleeve and you’re telling the world I’m
broken I have a secret name now if we
had kept this tradition alive I wonder
how many armbands we’d see on a given on
a given day in case you’re wondering the
answer is 2% statistically speaking 2%
of the population have suffered the loss
of an immediate family member in the
last 12 months so just imagine you own
your morning commute maybe you’re on a
train it’s packed shoulder-to-shoulder
sprinkled about you see people with
these black armbands how would that
change our relationship to tragedy would
we continue lying to ourselves and
saying you know what that it’s never
gonna happen to me
by late January I had returned to the
workforce and professional contacts
would give their condolences
I saw a few more than a few maybe people
squirm in this awkward guilty silence
they it seemed like they wanted to say
something they just didn’t know what to
say
and I think that I can help here you see
although grief is extremely personal in
the last year I’ve had hundreds of
people try to comfort me and I’ve sought
the advice of experts and done my
research and I’ve identified the two
most perfect ways that you can comfort a
grieving person I’d like to share with
you guys number one super easy hugs
an acquaintance had the wisdom to put me
on a hug only policy I see this man once
a week for a business group and once a
week for almost a year he’s met me and
he’s hugged me it’s been the perfect
response it’s simple it’s compassionate
it says with action that what you cannot
say with words doesn’t ask for a
response doesn’t call for an update and
we can all do this now the second way is
a little more complicated
this is anticipation hey call me if you
need anything it’s not anticipation
someone who suffered a loss has neither
the inclination nor the energy to tell
you what to do you need to anticipate
their needs but here are some excellent
examples I heard a story of one man who
unrequested would shine the shoes of
grieving family members before they went
to a funeral service there were a group
of neighbors who banded together to most
someone’s lawn
for an entire year and in my own
experience I anticipated that my parents
would sometimes need a distraction and I
anticipated that they would sometimes
need to hear someone laugh above all I
noticed that the one consistent light I
could bring to their lives was to hand
them a giggling granddaughter so we
visited as often as we could the point
here is you don’t need to experience
this soul-destroying grief on your own
to comfort people you don’t need to have
this super gigantic will of compassion
it’s as simple as giving a hug and
thinking about what they might need I
know looking at the audience many of you
are very familiar with this subject
matter
you know grief you know that the
untimely loss of a father a mother a
sister a brother
god forbid of a child that situation
that’s not the rug getting swept from
under you
that’s when the whole damn building
collapses you are crushed beneath the
weight in light of that pain it tastes
bitter to speak of a silver lining the
only good that I can point to is a
growing a sense of empathy empathy will
stop me in my tracks if I hear if
someone’s loss it will compel me to
bring up uncomfortable topics or to
initiate awkward hugs or to show up
but the truth is this exchanges cheap
and lousy of a consolation prize and I’d
I toss it away for one more moment with
my sister the irony is I kind of thought
that this talk was going to be about
transformation how we undergo tragedy we
become more compassionate but this world
has more than enough tragedy as it is
this talk is not about transformation
it’s simply a reminder it’s a reminder
that even though I’ve got safer cars and
our medicine is more effective that
mortality rate it’s still sitting strong
of 100 percent look I am regularly
stunned by the beauty of this world and
I am warmed by the friendships in my
life and overwhelmed by the abundance of
this universe but I know that this world
can leave you heartbroken destroyed and
ultimately buried in the dirt so all of
this avoidance of grief and clumsiness
around tragedy when you really boil it
down it’s it’s either selfishness or
it’s our feeble attempt to forget about
our own mortality and the really sad
part about it is that in keeping up this
delusion you know by us wanting to
maintain these blinders we wind up
pushing away those who need us the most
we push away those who will remind us of
the things that we choose to forget and
so I call to you guys today if you truly
care about someone who’s suffering a
loss go to them give them a hug bring
them some food and sit with them in
their pain
but whatever you do and don’t sweep it
under the rug thank you
[Applause]
like I’m gonna go skydiving or let’s do
this open mic night you said everything
emotion you can’t really back out and
you just think to yourself I’m really
reading this decision that’s me right
about now it’s not stage fright or
anything it’s just this topic I chose
and compassion in a time of grief I am
no mother Theresa
nobody has ever accused me of being over
emotional or commented on my empathy on
the other hand I had been called aloof
unaffected selfish more than she times
so I’m one of the last people to give a
talk with the word compassion in the
title in fact the only reason that I’m
here is because last year I started a
journey and that journey has
dramatically changed the way that I
think about these topics start off I
wanted to pose a question what if
something great what if all of these
great medical advances and these lower
infant mortality rates and longer
average lifespan what if all of these
great things have caused us to lose
something foundational to our humanity
now what I’m talking about here is
tragedy and specifically how closeness
to tragedy transforms us into more
compassionate people and how in a
society where we are allergic to tragedy
where Debbie downers are shunned and
positive thinking is gospel how we
delude ourselves into thinking that this
world is safer than it actually is
exempt from catastrophic loss now I
personally began this journey about a
year ago it was the day before
Thanksgiving I was fast asleep in bed I
was warm and safe
and I got that nightmare 3 a.m. a phone
call I found out that my sister died in
a car accident when something like this
happens we tend to run certain scripts
so in the beginning everybody knows the
script you have a funeral service people
send food they sent lots of food they
send flowers they visit and the inner
circle you’re together as a family
really separated from the outside world
but after the first month the script
disappears and that’s when no one knows
what to do anyone who has said anything
to me has said the same thing which is I
don’t know what to say but this
collective clumsiness around tragedy and
operating without a script
it sometimes causes people to choose
avoidance and they just sweep it under
the rug it got me thinking what if it
was impossible to sweep this discomfort
under the rug what if the threat of
random tragedy was in her face day in
and day out now this might seem strange
but this scenario that I’m describing it
actually existed not too long ago in
this country there’s a time when death
was on every single block it was
impossible to ignore now I learned about
this a few weeks after my sister had
passed it was right before Christmas and
my family had gathered for an annual
tradition of watching It’s a Wonderful
Life now there’s this really famous
scene in the movie where Mary loses her
bathrobe and she’s hiding in his
rosebush and so George scoops up the
bathrobe and he’s like well what I do
with this situation and it’s really
playful and then suddenly this car zooms
up and it’s George’s uncle and he
screams that George George your father
he’s had a stroke
George tosses the bathrobe to the rose
bush and he leaves and the very next
scene we see this George’s
he’s in some sort of a business meeting
I don’t know if you guys have noticed
this but he’s wearing this black armband
now only two generations ago black
armbands were extremely common they’ve
been used in our society for hundreds of
years to signal mourning as had a
retinue of other mourning clothes
jewelry other traditions that have all
been forgotten now this may seem strange
but that looks like compassion to me I’m
not the only one but let me explain the
host of The Late Show Stephen Colbert
when he was only 10 years old
he lost his father and his two brothers
in a plane crash
now in interviews Colbert talks about
his grief over the years being his
secret name you see he had his real name
but he had this secret name that no one
could pronounce yet it identified him to
his core his secret name black armbands
are compassionate because they are the
visual representation of that which
cannot be described with words you’re
literally wearing your emotions on your
sleeve and you’re telling the world I’m
broken I have a secret name now if we
had kept this tradition alive I wonder
how many armbands we’d see on a given on
a given day in case you’re wondering the
answer is 2% statistically speaking 2%
of the population have suffered the loss
of an immediate family member in the
last 12 months so just imagine you own
your morning commute maybe you’re on a
train it’s packed shoulder-to-shoulder
sprinkled about you see people with
these black armbands how would that
change our relationship to tragedy would
we continue lying to ourselves and
saying you know what that it’s never
gonna happen to me
by late January I had returned to the
workforce and professional contacts
would give their condolences
I saw a few more than a few maybe people
squirm in this awkward guilty silence
they it seemed like they wanted to say
something they just didn’t know what to
say
and I think that I can help here you see
although grief is extremely personal in
the last year I’ve had hundreds of
people try to comfort me and I’ve sought
the advice of experts and done my
research and I’ve identified the two
most perfect ways that you can comfort a
grieving person I’d like to share with
you guys number one super easy hugs
an acquaintance had the wisdom to put me
on a hug only policy I see this man once
a week for a business group and once a
week for almost a year he’s met me and
he’s hugged me it’s been the perfect
response it’s simple it’s compassionate
it says with action that what you cannot
say with words doesn’t ask for a
response doesn’t call for an update and
we can all do this now the second way is
a little more complicated
this is anticipation hey call me if you
need anything it’s not anticipation
someone who suffered a loss has neither
the inclination nor the energy to tell
you what to do you need to anticipate
their needs but here are some excellent
examples I heard a story of one man who
unrequested would shine the shoes of
grieving family members before they went
to a funeral service there were a group
of neighbors who banded together to most
someone’s lawn
for an entire year and in my own
experience I anticipated that my parents
would sometimes need a distraction and I
anticipated that they would sometimes
need to hear someone laugh above all I
noticed that the one consistent light I
could bring to their lives was to hand
them a giggling granddaughter so we
visited as often as we could the point
here is you don’t need to experience
this soul-destroying grief on your own
to comfort people you don’t need to have
this super gigantic will of compassion
it’s as simple as giving a hug and
thinking about what they might need I
know looking at the audience many of you
are very familiar with this subject
matter
you know grief you know that the
untimely loss of a father a mother a
sister a brother
god forbid of a child that situation
that’s not the rug getting swept from
under you
that’s when the whole damn building
collapses you are crushed beneath the
weight in light of that pain it tastes
bitter to speak of a silver lining the
only good that I can point to is a
growing a sense of empathy empathy will
stop me in my tracks if I hear if
someone’s loss it will compel me to
bring up uncomfortable topics or to
initiate awkward hugs or to show up
but the truth is this exchanges cheap
and lousy of a consolation prize and I’d
I toss it away for one more moment with
my sister the irony is I kind of thought
that this talk was going to be about
transformation how we undergo tragedy we
become more compassionate but this world
has more than enough tragedy as it is
this talk is not about transformation
it’s simply a reminder it’s a reminder
that even though I’ve got safer cars and
our medicine is more effective that
mortality rate it’s still sitting strong
of 100 percent look I am regularly
stunned by the beauty of this world and
I am warmed by the friendships in my
life and overwhelmed by the abundance of
this universe but I know that this world
can leave you heartbroken destroyed and
ultimately buried in the dirt so all of
this avoidance of grief and clumsiness
around tragedy when you really boil it
down it’s it’s either selfishness or
it’s our feeble attempt to forget about
our own mortality and the really sad
part about it is that in keeping up this
delusion you know by us wanting to
maintain these blinders we wind up
pushing away those who need us the most
we push away those who will remind us of
the things that we choose to forget and
so I call to you guys today if you truly
care about someone who’s suffering a
loss go to them give them a hug bring
them some food and sit with them in
their pain
but whatever you do and don’t sweep it
under the rug thank you
[Applause]
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