panic embarrassed exposed no that’s not
how I’m
right now mostly those are the feelings
I had as a 14 year old boy on the very
first day of high school my English
teacher mr. Meredith had each of us
stand up and introduce ourselves when
class was over he called me over and
said hey Matt you’re really good at this
talking thing I need you on Saturday to
show up at the speech contest doing as I
was told
I prepared a 10-minute presentation on
karate it was something I was passionate
about and it was pretty easy to do now
that cold September Saturday morning
when I showed up I was shocked the room
was much larger than I had expected
there were many more people there my
friends my friends parents who were
serving as judges and the girl I had a
crush on at that moment I felt
tremendous anxiety in the first 10
seconds of my 10-minute presentation my
life changed forever
you see I started my presentation with a
karate kick I was told to do this
because it would engage the audience and
get their attention but because of my
anxiety I forgot to put on my special
karate pants you know the ones with a
little extra room down there you get
where this is going I ripped my pants
from belt loop to zipper in that moment
I learned the impact of anxiety on
communication and from that moment I
have dedicated my life to helping others
learn to address this fear each of us
has stories to share
input to give and ideas to spread if we
allow anxiety to get in the way of that
we miss out society misses out and we
lose valuable diverse voices now I am
NOT alone in my anxiety in communication
if you have ever given spontaneous
feedback given a presentation
spoken up in a meeting or even asked
somebody on a date you know what this
anxiety feels like research shares with
us that 85% of people feel anxious in
high-stakes speaking situations and
quite frankly I think the other 15% are
lying I think we can create a situation
in which they would feel nervous too
so we must act to manage our anxiety so
we can accomplish our communication
goals now I use that word managed very
carefully I don’t think we can ever
truly overcome our anxiety nor would we
want to anxiety is actually helpful it
gives us energy
it helps us focus it tells us what we’re
doing is important but we must manage it
so it doesn’t manage us and it’s not
just to help us feel more confident it
helps our audience as well how do you
feel when you see a nervous speaker
communicate some of you might like to
watch people suffer but most of us don’t
most of us feel very uncomfortable in
awkward in fact I call this second hand
anxiety the communicators anxiety makes
us feel nervous as an audience and
therefore we’re distracted and we can’t
pay attention to the message so we need
to manage our anxiety not just to help
ourselves as communicators but to help
our audience get our message before I
introduce you to some techniques that
can help us manage our anxiety I think
we need to spend a few moments
understanding where this anxiety comes
from I believe it’s hardwired in us it’s
based on evolution we are wired to be
very concerned about our relative status
to others now I’m not saying who drives
the fanciest car or who has the most
likes to a post they’ve just put up I’m
talking about the status that existed
when our species was first evolving and
we were hanging out in groups of about a
hundred and fifty people your relative
status there meant everything
Ament access to resources food shelter
reproduction it was absolutely critical
that you had status within that group it
was a matter of life or death
so this constant surveillance and
understanding of our status is something
that we carry forward to this day yet we
can manage it but we have to take a
two-pronged approach we have to first
address the symptoms as well as the
sources the symptoms have to do with
what goes on in our body physiologically
and what goes on in our mind
psychologically and sources are things
that actually make our anxiety worse so
let’s get started for some of us when we
start communicating in high-stakes
situations we feel our heart pound maybe
we get a little shaky maybe we perspire
or blush we can manage these symptoms
take a deep breath before you start the
kind of breath you would do if you’re
doing yoga or Tai Chi or Qi Gong that’ll
calm you down if you shake gesture
broadly big broad gestures they can
really help that adrenalin go somewhere
most nervous people make themselves
small and tight and they hold it in and
shake if you perspire a blush hold
something cold in the palm of your hand
it’ll cool you down much like putting a
cold compress on your forehead or the
back of your neck if you have a fever
holding something cold reduces your core
body temperature reduces the
perspiration reduces the blushing you’ve
all experienced this in Reverse on a
cold day have you ever held hot coffee
or tea and felt how it warmed you up
we’re just doing the opposite there are
things you can do to manage the
physiological symptoms you have around
anxiety now what about the cognitive
symptoms the thing that makes people
really nervous
cognitively is their own anxiety it
works something like this you’re sitting
in a meeting and your turn is about to
come up and as you’re sitting there you
start getting a little shaky you might
have some
beads of perspiration on your brow and
you start thinking to yourself oh my
goodness this is really important I
should have prepared more I can’t
believe I’m in this situation why am I
doing this I’m not my colleague this
sucks
that’s your anxiety making you more
nervous there is a way that you can
short-circuit this instead of running
away from your anxiety greet it say to
yourself this is me feeling nervous it
makes sense that I’m nervous I’m about
to do something of consequence and
importance and by giving yourself
permission to feel anxious you actually
give yourself a sense of agency you can
take a breath walk around the building
this will help you feel composed rather
than as if your anxiety is spiraling out
of control we can do things that manage
our physiological and psychological
symptoms but we also have to address the
things that make our anxiety worse the
sources the number one fear I hear from
people is I’m afraid I’m going to forget
I’m gonna blank out a great way to
manage this is to have a map you can’t
get lost if you have a map a map is
nothing more in communication than a
plan a structure a design there are many
structures that can help you with your
communication my favorite is the what so
what now what structure you start by
talking about what it is you’re
communicating could be your idea your
plan your product a process you then
explain why it’s important to your
audience how do they value from what
you’re saying and then finally you
explain what is next what comes
afterwards by having a structure like
what so what now what you are less
likely to forget and by the way it helps
the people you’re speaking to remember
what you’re saying as well now another
big accelerant to anxiety has to do with
the valuation in judgment we feel the
audience is doing on us
a great way to manage this is to
redirect their attention have them focus
on something else so if you’re giving a
presentation show a video clip take a
poll if you’re in interpersonal
communication ask a question pass around
a hand out these distract people from
paying attention to you
it gives you an opportunity to calm down
and the cool thing is it gets them more
involved and engaged it’s a true win-win
the last source I’d like to talk about
has to do with how we see our
communication raise your hand if you
have done one of these four things
before in your life has anybody done any
singing dancing acting or played a sport
everybody in each of those activities
there’s a right way and a wrong way to
do it you’re performing if you’re an
actor and you miss speak your line at
the wrong time in the wrong place you’ve
made a mistake not just for you but the
audience and the other actors if you’re
an athlete and you don’t do what your
sport requires at the right time in the
right way you’ve done it wrong in fact
some sports keep track of the errors you
make we carry this mentality of right or
wrong into our communication I am here
to tell you as somebody who has been
doing this for a long long time there is
no right way to communicate there are
better ways in worse ways certainly but
no one right way so we need to replace
the way we see communication as a
performance as something else and I’d
like to suggest we need to reframe it as
a conversation how do you do that first
and foremost put your attention on your
audience you’re in service of their
needs with this audience centric
approach it makes it more conversational
second use conversational language words
like us you and we that involves people
and finally ask questions questions by
their very nature are conversations
there to weigh in so doing you make the
interaction less stressful for you and
more engaging for your audience
so taken together there are things that
we can do to manage our anxiety by
addressing both symptoms and sources now
this isn’t necessarily easy it takes
time it takes persistence we’re fighting
against ingrained anxiety and years of
learned behaviors and habits but with a
little self kindness in patience we can
learn to manage our anxiety I see it
happen all the time let me share a story
with you
I met Erma who is a 72 year old
grandmother a couple years ago Burma
like me had a very traumatic experience
in high school she contributed some
comment in class and her English teacher
looked at her and said that is the
absolute worst communication I have ever
heard
from that moment on Burma actively
avoided communicating with others so
much so that she chose the profession as
a research librarian specifically so she
wouldn’t have to talk to many people but
one day her granddaughter who she loved
very much asked her to give a toast at
her wedding
Burma wanted to fulfill this request and
that’s where our paths crossed I’ll
never forget the look on Irma’s face
when she told me of her goal it was a
combination of sheer terror and complete
determination now I am thrilled to share
with you that Burma after three months
of hard work and a little encouragement
gave an amazing toast the joy on her
face is something that I will never
forget like Burma we all can learn to
manage our anxiety regardless of if
you’re presenting at a wedding or in a
meeting if you’re pitching or protesting
you can learn to feel more confident
when you communicate and we all benefit
from the stories you’re going to share
the input you’re going to give and the
ideas that you’re going to spread I so
look forward to your speaking up without
freaking out
thank you
[Applause] [Music]
how I’m
right now mostly those are the feelings
I had as a 14 year old boy on the very
first day of high school my English
teacher mr. Meredith had each of us
stand up and introduce ourselves when
class was over he called me over and
said hey Matt you’re really good at this
talking thing I need you on Saturday to
show up at the speech contest doing as I
was told
I prepared a 10-minute presentation on
karate it was something I was passionate
about and it was pretty easy to do now
that cold September Saturday morning
when I showed up I was shocked the room
was much larger than I had expected
there were many more people there my
friends my friends parents who were
serving as judges and the girl I had a
crush on at that moment I felt
tremendous anxiety in the first 10
seconds of my 10-minute presentation my
life changed forever
you see I started my presentation with a
karate kick I was told to do this
because it would engage the audience and
get their attention but because of my
anxiety I forgot to put on my special
karate pants you know the ones with a
little extra room down there you get
where this is going I ripped my pants
from belt loop to zipper in that moment
I learned the impact of anxiety on
communication and from that moment I
have dedicated my life to helping others
learn to address this fear each of us
has stories to share
input to give and ideas to spread if we
allow anxiety to get in the way of that
we miss out society misses out and we
lose valuable diverse voices now I am
NOT alone in my anxiety in communication
if you have ever given spontaneous
feedback given a presentation
spoken up in a meeting or even asked
somebody on a date you know what this
anxiety feels like research shares with
us that 85% of people feel anxious in
high-stakes speaking situations and
quite frankly I think the other 15% are
lying I think we can create a situation
in which they would feel nervous too
so we must act to manage our anxiety so
we can accomplish our communication
goals now I use that word managed very
carefully I don’t think we can ever
truly overcome our anxiety nor would we
want to anxiety is actually helpful it
gives us energy
it helps us focus it tells us what we’re
doing is important but we must manage it
so it doesn’t manage us and it’s not
just to help us feel more confident it
helps our audience as well how do you
feel when you see a nervous speaker
communicate some of you might like to
watch people suffer but most of us don’t
most of us feel very uncomfortable in
awkward in fact I call this second hand
anxiety the communicators anxiety makes
us feel nervous as an audience and
therefore we’re distracted and we can’t
pay attention to the message so we need
to manage our anxiety not just to help
ourselves as communicators but to help
our audience get our message before I
introduce you to some techniques that
can help us manage our anxiety I think
we need to spend a few moments
understanding where this anxiety comes
from I believe it’s hardwired in us it’s
based on evolution we are wired to be
very concerned about our relative status
to others now I’m not saying who drives
the fanciest car or who has the most
likes to a post they’ve just put up I’m
talking about the status that existed
when our species was first evolving and
we were hanging out in groups of about a
hundred and fifty people your relative
status there meant everything
Ament access to resources food shelter
reproduction it was absolutely critical
that you had status within that group it
was a matter of life or death
so this constant surveillance and
understanding of our status is something
that we carry forward to this day yet we
can manage it but we have to take a
two-pronged approach we have to first
address the symptoms as well as the
sources the symptoms have to do with
what goes on in our body physiologically
and what goes on in our mind
psychologically and sources are things
that actually make our anxiety worse so
let’s get started for some of us when we
start communicating in high-stakes
situations we feel our heart pound maybe
we get a little shaky maybe we perspire
or blush we can manage these symptoms
take a deep breath before you start the
kind of breath you would do if you’re
doing yoga or Tai Chi or Qi Gong that’ll
calm you down if you shake gesture
broadly big broad gestures they can
really help that adrenalin go somewhere
most nervous people make themselves
small and tight and they hold it in and
shake if you perspire a blush hold
something cold in the palm of your hand
it’ll cool you down much like putting a
cold compress on your forehead or the
back of your neck if you have a fever
holding something cold reduces your core
body temperature reduces the
perspiration reduces the blushing you’ve
all experienced this in Reverse on a
cold day have you ever held hot coffee
or tea and felt how it warmed you up
we’re just doing the opposite there are
things you can do to manage the
physiological symptoms you have around
anxiety now what about the cognitive
symptoms the thing that makes people
really nervous
cognitively is their own anxiety it
works something like this you’re sitting
in a meeting and your turn is about to
come up and as you’re sitting there you
start getting a little shaky you might
have some
beads of perspiration on your brow and
you start thinking to yourself oh my
goodness this is really important I
should have prepared more I can’t
believe I’m in this situation why am I
doing this I’m not my colleague this
sucks
that’s your anxiety making you more
nervous there is a way that you can
short-circuit this instead of running
away from your anxiety greet it say to
yourself this is me feeling nervous it
makes sense that I’m nervous I’m about
to do something of consequence and
importance and by giving yourself
permission to feel anxious you actually
give yourself a sense of agency you can
take a breath walk around the building
this will help you feel composed rather
than as if your anxiety is spiraling out
of control we can do things that manage
our physiological and psychological
symptoms but we also have to address the
things that make our anxiety worse the
sources the number one fear I hear from
people is I’m afraid I’m going to forget
I’m gonna blank out a great way to
manage this is to have a map you can’t
get lost if you have a map a map is
nothing more in communication than a
plan a structure a design there are many
structures that can help you with your
communication my favorite is the what so
what now what structure you start by
talking about what it is you’re
communicating could be your idea your
plan your product a process you then
explain why it’s important to your
audience how do they value from what
you’re saying and then finally you
explain what is next what comes
afterwards by having a structure like
what so what now what you are less
likely to forget and by the way it helps
the people you’re speaking to remember
what you’re saying as well now another
big accelerant to anxiety has to do with
the valuation in judgment we feel the
audience is doing on us
a great way to manage this is to
redirect their attention have them focus
on something else so if you’re giving a
presentation show a video clip take a
poll if you’re in interpersonal
communication ask a question pass around
a hand out these distract people from
paying attention to you
it gives you an opportunity to calm down
and the cool thing is it gets them more
involved and engaged it’s a true win-win
the last source I’d like to talk about
has to do with how we see our
communication raise your hand if you
have done one of these four things
before in your life has anybody done any
singing dancing acting or played a sport
everybody in each of those activities
there’s a right way and a wrong way to
do it you’re performing if you’re an
actor and you miss speak your line at
the wrong time in the wrong place you’ve
made a mistake not just for you but the
audience and the other actors if you’re
an athlete and you don’t do what your
sport requires at the right time in the
right way you’ve done it wrong in fact
some sports keep track of the errors you
make we carry this mentality of right or
wrong into our communication I am here
to tell you as somebody who has been
doing this for a long long time there is
no right way to communicate there are
better ways in worse ways certainly but
no one right way so we need to replace
the way we see communication as a
performance as something else and I’d
like to suggest we need to reframe it as
a conversation how do you do that first
and foremost put your attention on your
audience you’re in service of their
needs with this audience centric
approach it makes it more conversational
second use conversational language words
like us you and we that involves people
and finally ask questions questions by
their very nature are conversations
there to weigh in so doing you make the
interaction less stressful for you and
more engaging for your audience
so taken together there are things that
we can do to manage our anxiety by
addressing both symptoms and sources now
this isn’t necessarily easy it takes
time it takes persistence we’re fighting
against ingrained anxiety and years of
learned behaviors and habits but with a
little self kindness in patience we can
learn to manage our anxiety I see it
happen all the time let me share a story
with you
I met Erma who is a 72 year old
grandmother a couple years ago Burma
like me had a very traumatic experience
in high school she contributed some
comment in class and her English teacher
looked at her and said that is the
absolute worst communication I have ever
heard
from that moment on Burma actively
avoided communicating with others so
much so that she chose the profession as
a research librarian specifically so she
wouldn’t have to talk to many people but
one day her granddaughter who she loved
very much asked her to give a toast at
her wedding
Burma wanted to fulfill this request and
that’s where our paths crossed I’ll
never forget the look on Irma’s face
when she told me of her goal it was a
combination of sheer terror and complete
determination now I am thrilled to share
with you that Burma after three months
of hard work and a little encouragement
gave an amazing toast the joy on her
face is something that I will never
forget like Burma we all can learn to
manage our anxiety regardless of if
you’re presenting at a wedding or in a
meeting if you’re pitching or protesting
you can learn to feel more confident
when you communicate and we all benefit
from the stories you’re going to share
the input you’re going to give and the
ideas that you’re going to spread I so
look forward to your speaking up without
freaking out
thank you
[Applause] [Music]
Please follow and like us: