yourself up for failure those are the
words that a counselor once told me
initially I was thrown off guard by the
fact that I thought it was her job to
tell me why I was doing certain things
in my life over time though that
question really stuck with me and let me
to begin my journey of self-discovery
and improvement and I’d like for that
question to stick with you as well all
of you have the power to shape your
tomorrow so why not change the world you
can change the world in the multitude of
ways from environmental issues to the
fight for Human Rights there are plenty
of voids to be filled in our world
however none of this is possible unless
you work on yourself first you must
learn that it is only intending to your
past and understanding your present that
you can then shape and direct your
future and more importantly none of this
is possible without the acceptance of
change the hardest part about change is
the transition from who you were to who
you are and all too often we set
ourselves up for failure I’d like to
open with an analogy comparing one’s
life and well-being to that of a
personal garden we plant seeds in our
lives only to later find out whether or
not they will blossom as weeds or
flowers it takes time to see how someone
or something can affect you so think
about it how do you envision your garden
is it meticulously trimmed with every
corner of a hedge squared away or is it
overflowing with vines breaking through
and scaling up walls do you see any
flowers in your garden or do you see any
weeds in a general sense weed sprout in
our gardens in three forms there are
people the past and ourselves and all
too often we allow for our gardens to be
overrun with these weeds which inhibit
any personal growth or development now
let’s talk about these weeds a little
bit more in depth
there are people and our lives will
drain you what’s more important is that
we often allow for ourselves to be
drained to better assess my relationship
with people I studied codependency /
melody beattie a codependent person as
someone who lets another person’s
behavior affect him or her and who was
obsessed with controlling that person’s
behavior so codependency inhibits a
person from living out his or her own
life due to the stress and supposed
responsibility to watch over that other
person you could think of them as a
caretaker now in comparison to your
garden codependency is like a dandelion
on the outside it’s viewed as another
flower beautiful for its care and
investment in other people however this
seemingly pretty flower at its core is a
weed and it can affect many aspects of
that person’s life their relationships
with other people and their relationship
with themselves unfortunately
codependent people are often the victims
to alcoholics addicts abandonment or
someone’s abuse so a codependent person
winds up investing too much their time
trying to fix another person’s life
rather than trying to understand the
current issues of their own life so by
plucking the weed of codependency a
codependent person learns that he or she
does not have to live a life of
poisonous lover care instead they learn
to care for themselves they learn to
understand the triggers of their present
life and learn to rid their garden of
this weed for good for this next weed we
need to take a step back although there
are many aspects of the past I would
like to focus on repressed memories
which are deeply rooted in a person’s
conscious mind now the main issue with
repressed memories is the fact that they
are repressed meaning that a person has
made uncomfortable thoughts or memories
inaccessible or disguise to the
conscious mind even though the person
may not be able to recall the memory
this repressed memory can still affect
them consciously
an example of this is a child who is
abused either physically or emotionally
by a parent has trouble forming
relationships later in his or her life
so think about gardening you cannot
simply pluck the top of a weed out of a
garden it’s deeply rooted in the soil so
you must dig deeply in your conscious in
order to fully extract this weed with
this all repressed emotions can be felt
the experience of one’s truth allows for
one to truly mourn this sounds
counterintuitive however this ability to
grieve actually gives back one’s freedom
and vitality it’s important to note that
the contents of the unconscious
repressed memories will remain unchanged
unless the repressed person consciously
activates these memories only then can
change begin I understand that this is
often difficult to analyze as there’s so
much comfort and what is already known
about ourselves but you must tend to
your past and analyze it allow for your
curiosity and pain to chump the fear of
the unknown parts of yourself so keep
digging finally we come to the third
weed our reflections of ourselves you
can think of ourselves as the overall
healthiness of the garden often we lead
ourselves to our own unhappiness I’ve
learned that our inability to process
shame is often driven by our fear to be
vulnerable yet it is in our
vulnerability that we find our true
selves many people believe that
vulnerability is something to be ashamed
of I believe that this is due to the
perpetual cycle of status quo and
societal norms and I’d like to
counteract that with my favorite quote
by brené Brown vulnerability sounds
like truth and feels like courage truth
and courage are not always comfortable
but they’re never a weakness it takes a
lot of courage to face down the status
quo and restrictions of society society
has restricted many people’s growth by
placing them in a box of sorts
so one must break free of these
self-imposed shackles in order to truly
and fully live by being vulnerable we
allow for ourselves to find our true
calling and vocation in life
additionally we learn that we can live a
fulfilled life by tending to the budding
flowers of our garden these flowers are
fragile vulnerable extensions of
ourselves our likes beliefs values
passions etc so is only intending to
your garden and ridding yourself of
these weeds that you can actually learn
what you are truly passionate about in
life and I know this all sounds nice
however actions speak louder than words
change must occur the difficulty in all
of this lies in a paradox wanting to
change but not allowing for ourselves to
do so over the winter break one of my
co-workers asked me a very simple
question what are you most excited about
your final semester of college I thought
and I answered I’m excited to live out
the life of a woman whom I had worked so
hard to become now admit I shocked
myself and my clarity and honesty in my
response but this led me to begin to
reflect on just how long had taken me to
get to this point from this I developed
the square one theory now the shapes of
these figures will correspond with the
shape of your garden or the current
state of your life in order to better
understand this theory i’ll use myself
for an example so everything that i
believed in and my own reflection of
myself is represented by the square and
i was able to develop this and foster
this all the while living within my
environment which is represented in the
grey this includes who I hung out with
what organizations I was associated with
what jobs i worked etc over time I
learned that I was very dissatisfied
with my life this belief was capitalized
after I’d studied abroad and opened my
eyes to a new style of living one that
better reflected who I wanted to be so
from this I learned that I aspired to be
the circle so I wanted change in my life
for I wanted to change the shape of my
garden but time and time again this
aspiration of a circle fell short it
fell short because it slipped through
the cracks the environment that I was
developing it in which was still the
square so I constantly found myself back
at square one having experienced no
change at all thus the square one theory
now I understood why my counsel was
saying that I was setting myself up for
failure there’s no way for an aspiration
to become a reality unless you tend to
it now the circle is the shape of the
garden that I wanted to live in in the
version of myself that I wanted to be I
learned that I needed to do much
introspection and reflection in order to
be able to reflect on the exterior
environment and change it I learned that
I needed to tend to my garden and sort
through the weeds of people my past and
my own reflection of myself so I began
to weed out surface-level friendships
untangle myself from poisonous
relationships understand the inter
complexity of the relationship of myself
to my parents and find a job that made
me proud to go to work every day now
this final stage is reached with one
conclusion it’s not only the belief in
myself but the belief that i can change
my environment which allows for me to
change my garden into a circle the
reason why this square one theory is so
important is not only for the
understanding and acceptance of change
but also the realization that you can
change the shape of your garden there
are phases and our lives that are going
to have a huge impact on us I used to
question why are certain life
experiences like studying abroad
graduating or moving out of your
childhood home so influential and
transformative the simple answer is it’s
a big change yet I believe that there’s
more to it it is in these times that you
learn that you can change the shape of
your garden you learn that you can break
down the walls of your garden and build
them up again in a shape that is truly
reflective of who you are strip yourself
of the shape you thought was expected of
yourself and seize the power to be
authentically your own knowing that we
have this power can either be
constructive or destructive when I
return from studying abroad the walls of
my garden had fallen down I was ready
for change but I found it hard to build
them again considering I was thrown back
into the regular routine of school soon
this led me to the deep abyss of loss of
identity and I didn’t think I had the
power to build again but upon tending to
my garden sorting through the weeds of
people my past of my own reflection of
myself I was able to scavenge a flower
that had been hidden to my garden for so
long it was the love and belief in
myself never lose this flower with this
breakthrough I could build again I had
fresh soil to plant the new seeds of my
life knowing that their growth would not
be squandered by the poisonous weeds of
my past my garden was overflowing and
booming with blooming flowers of myself
and now I could confidently move forward
knowing that I was developing my
authentic self these flowers in our
garden represent everything that we love
and what makes us our own unique
individuals tend to them let them grow
do not be fooled to compare the flowers
of your garden to someone else’s this
implants more poisonous weeds in your
garden and slows your transformation as
an individual choose growth and if you
truly want to change allow yourself to
ask the hard questions of life who is
letting me or who is helping me water my
garden and who is letting it dry out
allow yourself to be vulnerable in those
moments but hold on to the truth that
growth comes from this a growth is not
always predictable but it is inevitable
do not let your growth be destructive
construct and build the walls of your
garden remembering that it is only
intending to your past and understanding
your present that you can then
shape and direct your future now the
walls of your garden are going to evolve
over the years you are responsible for
their growth and vitality do not let the
fear of change squander your ability to
live a fulfilled life that is true to
your authenticity so I challenge you
take the leap uproot the weed and plant
a new seed grow blossom and prosper you
owe it to yourself thank you [Applause]