my life has been one of extremes and
going over edges 117 had an experience
that compounded my anxiety I just passed
my driver’s license test went to fill up
my mom’s little red car with petrol for
drunk started behaving abusively towards
me thought it was brave to stand up to
them big mistake
they surrounded me they beat me up
knocked me down had me on the floor was
like kicking me in the head all I could
do was curl up in the fetal position to
try and shield their blows one of the
name bar hit me in the face
knocking pieces of my teeth down I
started seeing stars my whole body went
warm and numb and I I still couldn’t me
I’m just laying there like this in the
end I couldn’t feel the pain anymore so
I thought they’d stopped hitting me so I
open my eyes they were still hitting me
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t
feel the pain thought to myself they’re
not just beating you up this is what
dying feels like as if I could feel my
life slipping away and everything went
black so I woke up in the pool of blood
bits of my teeth missing they smashed my
car windows a police car sped past of
its sirens on which I thought was in
pursuit of my attackers I was
embarrassed I just wanted to get out of
there I managed to drive home with
blurred vision my parents took me for
emergency medical treatment and all that
was broken was my teeth which is what
I’ve got these veneers when I went out
to pubs and clubs after that I won’t go
out and talk to women I was too
self-conscious to dance wouldn’t talk to
strangers but when the rave scene began
in the UK I took ecstasy and all that
stress and tension just melted out my
body and I wouldn’t stop talking to
people
dancing making friends with women all
night long
unfortunately ecstasy became my crutch I
didn’t think I was an interesting enough
person to be around unless I was on
drugs so for the next 10 years I took
ecstasy almost every weekend I got so
deep into this lifestyle that I started
the deal ecstasy in Arizona and on may
16th 2002 SWAT team smash my door down I
take full responsibility for all the bad
choices that put me in jail at first I
was terrified it did turn out to be the
educational opportunity of a lifetime
but going in is all completely gang
controlled racial gangs so because I’m
white as soon as I go in group of
skinheads come up to me like getting
that cell over there we want a word with
you you can’t say no to these guys
obviously so I go in the cell they
follow me in close the door so I can’t
get out the biggest ones got me up
against the wall like what are your
charges what are your charges I don’t
understand my charges I’ve got a little
printout but I don’t understand what
they means I’m like I’m not sure what my
charges mean so you would show more uhm
oh we got me up at the wall now about to
smash me chomo is child molester I
didn’t understand what that meant either
in the end I pulled out my little charge
sheet showed it to them because it was
drug charges they left me alone some
charges are K OS by the gang which means
kill on sight such as Peter foul stuff
other charges are SOS smash on sight
beat up such as drive-by shootings
because women and kids sometimes get hit
anyone coming in with a sex offense or a
crime against the woman or a child right
away the gang is going to try and murder
them right there very least they’re
going to smash them
that’s called convict justice once you
get through this interrogation you have
to go and meet the head of the gang
explains all the rules you must follow
that’s the whole gang will smash you if
someone calls you a punk a bitch or hit
you you’ll fight them on the spot what’s
the whole gang will smash you
you must take showers I’ll smash you for
bad hygiene can’t go make you friends of
the guards they’ll smash you for
snitching can’t go sitting at the tables
with the other races they’ll smash you
for that everything you take for granted
about your safety is reverse in here
they’re constantly looking for people to
beat up that’s how they earn their
reputations and their tattoos it’s
called putting work in to earn your
political ink and the more serious the
act of violence higher up in the gang
are the tats that they earn under every
head of the gang of guys called
torpedoes they’ll go in and smash
someone no questions asked just so they
it was half-ass panic rail without
anyone know what the teardrop tattoo
means the good someone whisper it each
solid teardrop is one person he’s
murdered for his gang anyone not the
clear teardrop is outline sorrow for the
loss of a fellow gang member then when
you murdered a rival who’s murdered your
fellow gang member you can fill the
teardrop in so it’s solid like his
preferred methods are kill use of a
shank they stripped metal from all over
the place you hear them at nights
sharpening into knives all those in the
background the whole made knives
confiscated by the guards so I did not
know it at the time but I was
desperately in need of a relaxation
technique my sister sent me this book
Yoga made it easy which I hid under my
mattress because I didn’t want the gang
members to see this and to think I was a
sissy and start to brutalize me but my
sister kept on at me have you tried yoga
have you tried yoga yet it sounds to get
off my back I’m just going to try it I
wait until my cell mate to a downstairs
or so embarrassed I did a basic sequence
of postures
forward bend side band cat dog spinal
twist at the end I laid down in corpse
blows I could feel all that stress and
tension just melting out my shoulders I
said to myself you should take ecstasy
to feel like this you can actually do
this naturally so I started to throw
myself into yoga now neuroscience is
showing that to perform best in life you
need to have a relaxation technique
I know Yoga is not for everybody it
might be taking a bubble bath might be
sports it might be playing a musical
instrument when you let that stress out
of your system your resilience rises and
you can perform much better in Japan
last year the government warned that 1
in 4 people are susceptible to corrosion
which is death by overwork heart attack
and stroke they’re even making the
companies pay out compensation to the
family members of victims of Karoshi so
it’s essential to let that stress out of
your system now I’m on remand for 26
months and finally sentenced to nine and
a half years first-time nonviolent drug
offender I only have to serve just under
six the prosecutor had played a number
of tricks on me throughout my remand
period and a final farewell was she
accidentally put my 9 and a half year
sentence down as 34 years on the
paperwork to the prison system so I was
fast-tracked to super maximum-security
out in the Arizona Florence desert with
the most violent dangerous prisoners
including death row my neighbor is a
serial killer my cellmate is a Satanist
he’s got an inverted pentagram tattooed
on his forehead in for murder part of a
cult that’s drinking blood and doing
human sacrifice and he was actually very
in Supermax you very rarely gout in
yourself every three days you’re allowed
out for a shower the guards come to your
door in the shank proof body armor the
Darth Vader masks and you’ve got to put
your hands through a trap in the door so
they can hand off you then you have to
go and face the wall the door buzzes
opens you step out slowly turn around
and basically you’ve got to walk along
this run until you get to the shower
there’s all these cells on your
right-hand side and they say to you if
you turn and look at a prisoner signal
to a prisoner do anything like that
which is going to grab your skull and
smash your teeth into the concrete so
you walk in this very straight line
along the run when you finally get to
the shower the door buzzes opens you go
in closes you put your hands back
through beyond unhandcuff you but they
leave you in there
for a long time and the water only runs
for 10 minutes for security purposes and
you can imagine what it’s like in this
men’s shower bodily fluids on the walls
strange insects mold so in the beginning
I was yelling the guards let me out let
me out but I think they got off on them
so I said to myself how can I turn this
to my advantage I know I’m going to do
yoga in here for as long as they live me
leave me in here
and perhaps the silliest yoga position
for a man to be doing in a super
maximum-security prison with serial
killers over here they’re over here gang
leaders over there is the hula-hula
and then I was just going round and
round around and I couldn’t help but
smile now
some nights in Supermax prisoners would
talk for all hours they D yell from
cell-to-cell and I couldn’t sleep so I
wet toilet paper wrapped plastic around
it shoved it in my ears I could still
hear the voices
so for again how can I turn this to my
advantage I know I’m going to do yoga
for as long as they speak at nights
fortunately my dad sent me a book on
extreme yoga that’s how I learned some
of these positions so two o’clock in the
morning
redneck guard comes along shines his
light into my cell I’m hung upside down
like a bat
he’s like god damn Howard what are you
doing in the yoga my guardian angel in
this environment
was a psychotherapist called
dr. o he was into neuroscience Eastern
philosophy and we really clicked
he helped me go deep inside myself and
understand that I’ve been doing those
drugs for over ten years because I was
self-medicating for post-traumatic
stress from almost getting killed as a
teenager by the drunks he also gave me
advice on dealing with fear and anxiety
he said Shawn most of the things you
fear never actually happen
ninety percent of these thoughts are
just a complete and utter waste of
mental energy but even worse the brain
has an internal pharmacy so when you’re
worried it’s releasing the bad drugs
such as the cortisol which damage your
immune system that can actually reduce
your life span when you’re happy your
brain is releasing the good stuff the
endorphins which can increase your
lifespan and it’s shown that happy
people live up to ten years longer than
negative people you said it’s even worse
than that though if you hang out with
people who are negative and your brain
so that’s the mirrors and fire off the
unhealthy chemicals so in prison I
started hanging out with the prison
intelligentsia this was a minority of
people in environment or 90% we’re
shooting up heroin and crystal meth this
was a minority of people a lot of time
on the hands to do correspondence
courses get multiple degrees
and share personal development books dr.
oz said if you look back on your life
all these times you were stressed out
there are some major events but most of
them are minor events
I see people stuck in traffic 5 minutes
late for a fitness class off of work
almost giving themselves heart attacks
and I’m not mean to that earlier this
year I woke up my internet service was
down it was a week I was publishing a
book and files were flying back and
forth with my typesetter and every hour
the internet was down I could feel my
blood pressure rising but I called on a
technique that dr. o taught me said when
a minor event happens take a step back
and breathe not just a shallow chest
breath a nice big full belly breath so
that’s what I did
and the clearer light it calmed the
Cascade of the chemicals I reminded
myself I went six years without internet
what are you getting so stressed out
about it wasn’t the only thing I went
six years ago I’m talking about sex no
matter how many times I dropped the soap
in the shower I never got lucky can you
imagine going 6 years of our internet
and sex which one would you prefer to
lose so another thing to keep my anxiety
down I had to learn how to deal with
tricky people people who are critical is
one category so say for example someone
comes up to you say your public speaking
was lousy this evening well my
meditation teacher he taught me was
matter what people say to you you can
tell your brain to remain undisturbed to
not let it in and a way to deflect it is
to just say something bright like thanks
for pointing that out
you know you’ve gained weight thanks for
pointing that out
you’re going bald thanks for pointing
that out
so perhaps the hardest people to deal
with are angry people and I saw someone
handle them masterfully in prison he was
the head of the Italian mafia in our
building whenever anyone run into his
cell who was angry about something for
example my public defender didn’t show
up today when it smashed someone he’d
take whatever they said and put it in
front of the word rage so we say
don’t sweat it dog you’ve got public
defender rage this will pass settle down
how could you apply that in everyday
life you’ve got Donald Trump rage do you
think he knows you’re angry about him
right now is he worth getting angry
about all you’ve got brexit rage and so
on so I managed to serve just under six
years and coming out of that environment
like the world is it seems like a safer
place for me and dr. o said you know
it’s going to give you resilience that’s
going to last you for the rest of your
life he also said that your anxieties
never going to completely go away some
anxiety is actually good for you it
sharpens your senses and my job now is I
go in schools I teach them life lessons
and not to do all the silly stuff that I
did and the first time I went to do a
school talk I was so nervous I couldn’t
even eat my breakfast what dr. o said if
you’re afraid of something don’t hide
from it you’ve got to challenge yourself
from time to time as well and my
challenge today has been to do this TED
talk and I hope you’ve enjoyed it thank you
going over edges 117 had an experience
that compounded my anxiety I just passed
my driver’s license test went to fill up
my mom’s little red car with petrol for
drunk started behaving abusively towards
me thought it was brave to stand up to
them big mistake
they surrounded me they beat me up
knocked me down had me on the floor was
like kicking me in the head all I could
do was curl up in the fetal position to
try and shield their blows one of the
name bar hit me in the face
knocking pieces of my teeth down I
started seeing stars my whole body went
warm and numb and I I still couldn’t me
I’m just laying there like this in the
end I couldn’t feel the pain anymore so
I thought they’d stopped hitting me so I
open my eyes they were still hitting me
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t
feel the pain thought to myself they’re
not just beating you up this is what
dying feels like as if I could feel my
life slipping away and everything went
black so I woke up in the pool of blood
bits of my teeth missing they smashed my
car windows a police car sped past of
its sirens on which I thought was in
pursuit of my attackers I was
embarrassed I just wanted to get out of
there I managed to drive home with
blurred vision my parents took me for
emergency medical treatment and all that
was broken was my teeth which is what
I’ve got these veneers when I went out
to pubs and clubs after that I won’t go
out and talk to women I was too
self-conscious to dance wouldn’t talk to
strangers but when the rave scene began
in the UK I took ecstasy and all that
stress and tension just melted out my
body and I wouldn’t stop talking to
people
dancing making friends with women all
night long
unfortunately ecstasy became my crutch I
didn’t think I was an interesting enough
person to be around unless I was on
drugs so for the next 10 years I took
ecstasy almost every weekend I got so
deep into this lifestyle that I started
the deal ecstasy in Arizona and on may
16th 2002 SWAT team smash my door down I
take full responsibility for all the bad
choices that put me in jail at first I
was terrified it did turn out to be the
educational opportunity of a lifetime
but going in is all completely gang
controlled racial gangs so because I’m
white as soon as I go in group of
skinheads come up to me like getting
that cell over there we want a word with
you you can’t say no to these guys
obviously so I go in the cell they
follow me in close the door so I can’t
get out the biggest ones got me up
against the wall like what are your
charges what are your charges I don’t
understand my charges I’ve got a little
printout but I don’t understand what
they means I’m like I’m not sure what my
charges mean so you would show more uhm
oh we got me up at the wall now about to
smash me chomo is child molester I
didn’t understand what that meant either
in the end I pulled out my little charge
sheet showed it to them because it was
drug charges they left me alone some
charges are K OS by the gang which means
kill on sight such as Peter foul stuff
other charges are SOS smash on sight
beat up such as drive-by shootings
because women and kids sometimes get hit
anyone coming in with a sex offense or a
crime against the woman or a child right
away the gang is going to try and murder
them right there very least they’re
going to smash them
that’s called convict justice once you
get through this interrogation you have
to go and meet the head of the gang
explains all the rules you must follow
that’s the whole gang will smash you if
someone calls you a punk a bitch or hit
you you’ll fight them on the spot what’s
the whole gang will smash you
you must take showers I’ll smash you for
bad hygiene can’t go make you friends of
the guards they’ll smash you for
snitching can’t go sitting at the tables
with the other races they’ll smash you
for that everything you take for granted
about your safety is reverse in here
they’re constantly looking for people to
beat up that’s how they earn their
reputations and their tattoos it’s
called putting work in to earn your
political ink and the more serious the
act of violence higher up in the gang
are the tats that they earn under every
head of the gang of guys called
torpedoes they’ll go in and smash
someone no questions asked just so they
it was half-ass panic rail without
anyone know what the teardrop tattoo
means the good someone whisper it each
solid teardrop is one person he’s
murdered for his gang anyone not the
clear teardrop is outline sorrow for the
loss of a fellow gang member then when
you murdered a rival who’s murdered your
fellow gang member you can fill the
teardrop in so it’s solid like his
preferred methods are kill use of a
shank they stripped metal from all over
the place you hear them at nights
sharpening into knives all those in the
background the whole made knives
confiscated by the guards so I did not
know it at the time but I was
desperately in need of a relaxation
technique my sister sent me this book
Yoga made it easy which I hid under my
mattress because I didn’t want the gang
members to see this and to think I was a
sissy and start to brutalize me but my
sister kept on at me have you tried yoga
have you tried yoga yet it sounds to get
off my back I’m just going to try it I
wait until my cell mate to a downstairs
or so embarrassed I did a basic sequence
of postures
forward bend side band cat dog spinal
twist at the end I laid down in corpse
blows I could feel all that stress and
tension just melting out my shoulders I
said to myself you should take ecstasy
to feel like this you can actually do
this naturally so I started to throw
myself into yoga now neuroscience is
showing that to perform best in life you
need to have a relaxation technique
I know Yoga is not for everybody it
might be taking a bubble bath might be
sports it might be playing a musical
instrument when you let that stress out
of your system your resilience rises and
you can perform much better in Japan
last year the government warned that 1
in 4 people are susceptible to corrosion
which is death by overwork heart attack
and stroke they’re even making the
companies pay out compensation to the
family members of victims of Karoshi so
it’s essential to let that stress out of
your system now I’m on remand for 26
months and finally sentenced to nine and
a half years first-time nonviolent drug
offender I only have to serve just under
six the prosecutor had played a number
of tricks on me throughout my remand
period and a final farewell was she
accidentally put my 9 and a half year
sentence down as 34 years on the
paperwork to the prison system so I was
fast-tracked to super maximum-security
out in the Arizona Florence desert with
the most violent dangerous prisoners
including death row my neighbor is a
serial killer my cellmate is a Satanist
he’s got an inverted pentagram tattooed
on his forehead in for murder part of a
cult that’s drinking blood and doing
human sacrifice and he was actually very
in Supermax you very rarely gout in
yourself every three days you’re allowed
out for a shower the guards come to your
door in the shank proof body armor the
Darth Vader masks and you’ve got to put
your hands through a trap in the door so
they can hand off you then you have to
go and face the wall the door buzzes
opens you step out slowly turn around
and basically you’ve got to walk along
this run until you get to the shower
there’s all these cells on your
right-hand side and they say to you if
you turn and look at a prisoner signal
to a prisoner do anything like that
which is going to grab your skull and
smash your teeth into the concrete so
you walk in this very straight line
along the run when you finally get to
the shower the door buzzes opens you go
in closes you put your hands back
through beyond unhandcuff you but they
leave you in there
for a long time and the water only runs
for 10 minutes for security purposes and
you can imagine what it’s like in this
men’s shower bodily fluids on the walls
strange insects mold so in the beginning
I was yelling the guards let me out let
me out but I think they got off on them
so I said to myself how can I turn this
to my advantage I know I’m going to do
yoga in here for as long as they live me
leave me in here
and perhaps the silliest yoga position
for a man to be doing in a super
maximum-security prison with serial
killers over here they’re over here gang
leaders over there is the hula-hula
and then I was just going round and
round around and I couldn’t help but
smile now
some nights in Supermax prisoners would
talk for all hours they D yell from
cell-to-cell and I couldn’t sleep so I
wet toilet paper wrapped plastic around
it shoved it in my ears I could still
hear the voices
so for again how can I turn this to my
advantage I know I’m going to do yoga
for as long as they speak at nights
fortunately my dad sent me a book on
extreme yoga that’s how I learned some
of these positions so two o’clock in the
morning
redneck guard comes along shines his
light into my cell I’m hung upside down
like a bat
he’s like god damn Howard what are you
doing in the yoga my guardian angel in
this environment
was a psychotherapist called
dr. o he was into neuroscience Eastern
philosophy and we really clicked
he helped me go deep inside myself and
understand that I’ve been doing those
drugs for over ten years because I was
self-medicating for post-traumatic
stress from almost getting killed as a
teenager by the drunks he also gave me
advice on dealing with fear and anxiety
he said Shawn most of the things you
fear never actually happen
ninety percent of these thoughts are
just a complete and utter waste of
mental energy but even worse the brain
has an internal pharmacy so when you’re
worried it’s releasing the bad drugs
such as the cortisol which damage your
immune system that can actually reduce
your life span when you’re happy your
brain is releasing the good stuff the
endorphins which can increase your
lifespan and it’s shown that happy
people live up to ten years longer than
negative people you said it’s even worse
than that though if you hang out with
people who are negative and your brain
so that’s the mirrors and fire off the
unhealthy chemicals so in prison I
started hanging out with the prison
intelligentsia this was a minority of
people in environment or 90% we’re
shooting up heroin and crystal meth this
was a minority of people a lot of time
on the hands to do correspondence
courses get multiple degrees
and share personal development books dr.
oz said if you look back on your life
all these times you were stressed out
there are some major events but most of
them are minor events
I see people stuck in traffic 5 minutes
late for a fitness class off of work
almost giving themselves heart attacks
and I’m not mean to that earlier this
year I woke up my internet service was
down it was a week I was publishing a
book and files were flying back and
forth with my typesetter and every hour
the internet was down I could feel my
blood pressure rising but I called on a
technique that dr. o taught me said when
a minor event happens take a step back
and breathe not just a shallow chest
breath a nice big full belly breath so
that’s what I did
and the clearer light it calmed the
Cascade of the chemicals I reminded
myself I went six years without internet
what are you getting so stressed out
about it wasn’t the only thing I went
six years ago I’m talking about sex no
matter how many times I dropped the soap
in the shower I never got lucky can you
imagine going 6 years of our internet
and sex which one would you prefer to
lose so another thing to keep my anxiety
down I had to learn how to deal with
tricky people people who are critical is
one category so say for example someone
comes up to you say your public speaking
was lousy this evening well my
meditation teacher he taught me was
matter what people say to you you can
tell your brain to remain undisturbed to
not let it in and a way to deflect it is
to just say something bright like thanks
for pointing that out
you know you’ve gained weight thanks for
pointing that out
you’re going bald thanks for pointing
that out
so perhaps the hardest people to deal
with are angry people and I saw someone
handle them masterfully in prison he was
the head of the Italian mafia in our
building whenever anyone run into his
cell who was angry about something for
example my public defender didn’t show
up today when it smashed someone he’d
take whatever they said and put it in
front of the word rage so we say
don’t sweat it dog you’ve got public
defender rage this will pass settle down
how could you apply that in everyday
life you’ve got Donald Trump rage do you
think he knows you’re angry about him
right now is he worth getting angry
about all you’ve got brexit rage and so
on so I managed to serve just under six
years and coming out of that environment
like the world is it seems like a safer
place for me and dr. o said you know
it’s going to give you resilience that’s
going to last you for the rest of your
life he also said that your anxieties
never going to completely go away some
anxiety is actually good for you it
sharpens your senses and my job now is I
go in schools I teach them life lessons
and not to do all the silly stuff that I
did and the first time I went to do a
school talk I was so nervous I couldn’t
even eat my breakfast what dr. o said if
you’re afraid of something don’t hide
from it you’ve got to challenge yourself
from time to time as well and my
challenge today has been to do this TED
talk and I hope you’ve enjoyed it thank you
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