when we hear the words intolerance I
think our first thoughts are often
outwards of someone or something that
stands in contrast to our own beliefs or
our value system today I’d like to look
inwards I’d like to look at the thing
that I believe we show more intolerance
towards on a daily basis than anything
else in our lives ourselves this is me a
very long time ago I’m about seven years
old in this photo now my schoolwork from
this sort of time in my life has
helpfully been used to insulate my
parents loft for the last thirty years
and it’s not been difficult to go back
and reconnect with who I was at this
time in my life and whilst the subject
matter I talk about in my reports is is
what you’d expect holidays friends
playing sport the way I communicate it
communicate in an entirely wholehearted
way I’m fearless as I describe my
emotions my experience of grief and of
loss of happiness and joy I’m so proud
of that little boy because it’ll be
about 25 years again before I’m able to
be as open and brave again I don’t know
when but sometime after that photo
something else creeps into my life
it’s kind of what I would call my
gremlins I think we all have our
gremlins it’s that voice that tells us
that in some way we’re not enough I’d
hazard a guess that everyone here could
at least find one word to personalize
that for themselves not strong enough
not powerful enough
not popular enough it was my first
realization that I was imperfect and
this caused me problems because as a
human being I craved belonging but to
turn up imperfectly is to run the risk
of rejection and I couldn’t tolerate
that so I chose to edit myself I chose
to turn up in life as I thought people
would want to see me not who I really
was
the problem with that is that when we
edit ourselves we make certain will
never reach belonging and I put myself
on the road to fitting in now my
gremlins quickly evolved I suppose and I
develop perfectionism quite early on the
perfectionist in me that told me to set
unrealistic goals for myself in the hope
that people will see these goals see me
striving for them think I’m perfect
think I’m fullest and by doing so accept
me
and connect with me in our research dr.
brené Brown finds that this feeling of
not being enough is shame and the
message is around shame although we all
experience them are gender specific for
men the message is very simple it can be
distilled into one line do not ever be
perceived as weak as a young boy and a
young man that message came through very
clearly indeed for me sometimes it came
from strangers sometimes it came from
the people who love me the most
sometimes it was deliberate sometimes it
wasn’t but the clearest message of all
as I was growing up came through the
media through TV and film and whilst I’m
a little bit embarrassed to say say I’m
about to introduce you to someone who
became a role model for me who became my
hero who became the person I really
wanted to be Detective Lieutenant John
McClane John McClane is all power he is
quick and comfortable with violence he’s
belligerent to Authority no matter how
many times you shoot him beat him or
blow him up he is indestructible he is
sadly John’s marriage is in tatters he
has a troubled relationship with his
children he epitomizes self-loathing and
in die hard 3 he admits to being one
step shy of a full-blown alcoholic but
the message is this is all part and
parcel of being a hero a strong hero
John McClane tolerates these things in
his life just so long as he doesn’t
tolerate the one thing we’re told he
can’t John McClane doesn’t tolerate
weakness so it wasn’t really a big
surprise that I went and joined the
police and I told everyone and I told
myself it was to make a difference how
many times do you hear that I joined the
police to make a difference I was 22
years old when I signed up I didn’t have
a clue what my core values were I didn’t
know who I was so what does make a
difference mean what sort of difference
was I trying to make
the truth is I think I joined up because
I craved belonging I saw it as somewhere
I could find belonging and I saw it
offering a life that would keep me free
from weakness and as I went on in my
career I tried to distance myself more
and more from weakness by specializing
and I was drawn to roles with strong
sexy titles like firearms covert
counterterrorism the more I specialized
the more I detached myself from weakness
the more I drove a wedge of
disconnection between myself and
everyone and everything in my life it
didn’t make me happy in fact it made me
really unhappy but I didn’t know what to
do because only weak people asked for
help no one wants to watch a film where
the hero comes home each day and falls
to pieces in front of his wife because
of the pain and the horror that they
have seen that day so I soldiered on I
kept it all inside like the brave hero I
was trying to be or at least I did until
the day before my first wedding
anniversary because that’s the day my
wife and I decided to separate it was
have to tell our family and our friends
that we had failed our marriage had
ironically it was the moment in my life
that I finally became my hero
John McClane meet Gareth Davies a
world-weary cop with a broken marriage
consumed by his work and without an
ounce of self-worth but these troughs in
our lives
these times that we want to skip on
through gloss over these uncomfortable
times these are when we really learn who
we are and we learn who the people are
around us my friends rallied like you
might expect and many of them put all
their effort into fixing me and making
me feel better but there was a smaller
number of them who did something very
different
they sat with me and my discomfort they
listened to my story
without judgment and they made me feel
more loved and accepted and gave me a
greater sense of belonging than I’d ever
felt before it was the moment where I
realized in my life whose opinion really
counts
and once I worked out who that was I was
able to let go of everybody else’s it
gave me the confidence to take an honest
stark look inside at all those things
I’d always think I thought were
perfection or imperfection rather it
gave me the confidence to make a
decision I thought would be almost
impossible and it turned out to be
really easy and in a brief moment where
Hollywood actually mimics real life I
the badge that represented everything I
thought I should be but it turned out
the badge
represented the barrier between me and
everything else I could be we never get
rid of that gremlin that critic inside
our head but this experience made me
realize that I can be ready for it it
made me realize that I can make generous
assumptions about that critic because
let’s face it it really is just an
overactive Health and Safety Department
my critic wants me to stay small stay
quiet
because it thinks that will keep me safe
in my comfort zone so I knew how to
prepare myself and be ready for when it
came along tried to make me feel not
enough I was able to start turning up in
life as I wanted to not as I felt other
people wanted meeting I was able to make
some choices
I chose belonging over fitting in
belonging knowing that I am loved
because of my imperfections not despite
self compassion the ability to speak to
myself like I would a good friend and I
choose healthy striving the difference
between healthy striving and
perfectionism really comes down to one
thing who are you doing it for I choose
not to set myself unrealistic targets in
the hope of impressing other people I
choose to pursue excellence because I
but it’s hard and it’s not something
that you just flick a switch and it’s
done it’s a daily practice this choice
affects me every day as I try to turn up
as who I want to be sometimes I get it
right
sometimes I get it wrong but I haven’t
got rid of my gremlins I haven’t got rid
of my perfectionist I just know how to
handle them when they turn up so let me
give you an example let’s take this talk
for example what a success look like for
me giving this talk well I’ll tell you
what it looks like for my perfectionist
in about two minutes I’m going to walk
off of this stage my perfectionist tells
me I need to walk off
– you’ve standing whooping clapping
crying calling my name and then in the
days and the weeks and the months after
this talk it’ll go out on video and the
world will take it on it’ll turn viral
and people will talk about me and the
same breath as they do Tony Robbins
brené Brown Simon sigh neck this is what
my perfectionist tells me is the success
I must achieve but I’m ready for my
perfectionist you see I want you to take
something positive from what I’m saying
today I really do but what I will not do
is align my own self-worth with your
reaction and the reason I won’t do that
is because there is no possibility I
could ever control what you think of me
what I can control is how I show up
myself on this stage so success for me
I’ll consider my success the moment I
took this stage and I had the courage to
but is it worth it for me the easier
path would have just been to stay
miserable stay quiet stay safe stay
small stay bitter it’s difficult to
pursue a life that is bold and brave
it’s more difficult to face failure with
the same sort of energy that you face
success and it’s really difficult to
lean into vulnerability when I say
vulnerability I mean risk uncertainty an
emotional exposure it’s a hard choice to
ignore the common misconception that
vulnerability is weakness
and to treat it as courage I don’t know
where I’d be if I chosen the easy path
but I can tell you it is worth it
because I chose that path I chose to
treat vulnerability as courage I can
stand here now and tell you I’m still
married it’s my beautiful wife I can
tell you that we run a business that we
are immensely proud of with a client
base with whom we share more than just a
and we have this little rascal in our
lives who if you ever need it it’s the
perfect example of what it really is to
turn up every day in life as your true
unedited glorious self ladies and
gentlemen if we continue to be
intolerant towards ourselves intolerant
towards our imperfections we run the
danger of missing out on the everyday
beauty of this life and one of my
favorite songs sung by Lee Ann Womack
there’s the line when you get the choice
if you take nothing else away from this
talk I hope that the next time you get
that choice yourself I hope you can be
ready for your gremlins I hope you can
give yourself a break and I hope you can
let go of what other people think and I hope you dance thank you very much
think our first thoughts are often
outwards of someone or something that
stands in contrast to our own beliefs or
our value system today I’d like to look
inwards I’d like to look at the thing
that I believe we show more intolerance
towards on a daily basis than anything
else in our lives ourselves this is me a
very long time ago I’m about seven years
old in this photo now my schoolwork from
this sort of time in my life has
helpfully been used to insulate my
parents loft for the last thirty years
and it’s not been difficult to go back
and reconnect with who I was at this
time in my life and whilst the subject
matter I talk about in my reports is is
what you’d expect holidays friends
playing sport the way I communicate it
communicate in an entirely wholehearted
way I’m fearless as I describe my
emotions my experience of grief and of
loss of happiness and joy I’m so proud
of that little boy because it’ll be
about 25 years again before I’m able to
be as open and brave again I don’t know
when but sometime after that photo
something else creeps into my life
it’s kind of what I would call my
gremlins I think we all have our
gremlins it’s that voice that tells us
that in some way we’re not enough I’d
hazard a guess that everyone here could
at least find one word to personalize
that for themselves not strong enough
not powerful enough
not popular enough it was my first
realization that I was imperfect and
this caused me problems because as a
human being I craved belonging but to
turn up imperfectly is to run the risk
of rejection and I couldn’t tolerate
that so I chose to edit myself I chose
to turn up in life as I thought people
would want to see me not who I really
was
the problem with that is that when we
edit ourselves we make certain will
never reach belonging and I put myself
on the road to fitting in now my
gremlins quickly evolved I suppose and I
develop perfectionism quite early on the
perfectionist in me that told me to set
unrealistic goals for myself in the hope
that people will see these goals see me
striving for them think I’m perfect
think I’m fullest and by doing so accept
me
and connect with me in our research dr.
brené Brown finds that this feeling of
not being enough is shame and the
message is around shame although we all
experience them are gender specific for
men the message is very simple it can be
distilled into one line do not ever be
perceived as weak as a young boy and a
young man that message came through very
clearly indeed for me sometimes it came
from strangers sometimes it came from
the people who love me the most
sometimes it was deliberate sometimes it
wasn’t but the clearest message of all
as I was growing up came through the
media through TV and film and whilst I’m
a little bit embarrassed to say say I’m
about to introduce you to someone who
became a role model for me who became my
hero who became the person I really
wanted to be Detective Lieutenant John
McClane John McClane is all power he is
quick and comfortable with violence he’s
belligerent to Authority no matter how
many times you shoot him beat him or
blow him up he is indestructible he is
sadly John’s marriage is in tatters he
has a troubled relationship with his
children he epitomizes self-loathing and
in die hard 3 he admits to being one
step shy of a full-blown alcoholic but
the message is this is all part and
parcel of being a hero a strong hero
John McClane tolerates these things in
his life just so long as he doesn’t
tolerate the one thing we’re told he
can’t John McClane doesn’t tolerate
weakness so it wasn’t really a big
surprise that I went and joined the
police and I told everyone and I told
myself it was to make a difference how
many times do you hear that I joined the
police to make a difference I was 22
years old when I signed up I didn’t have
a clue what my core values were I didn’t
know who I was so what does make a
difference mean what sort of difference
was I trying to make
the truth is I think I joined up because
I craved belonging I saw it as somewhere
I could find belonging and I saw it
offering a life that would keep me free
from weakness and as I went on in my
career I tried to distance myself more
and more from weakness by specializing
and I was drawn to roles with strong
sexy titles like firearms covert
counterterrorism the more I specialized
the more I detached myself from weakness
the more I drove a wedge of
disconnection between myself and
everyone and everything in my life it
didn’t make me happy in fact it made me
really unhappy but I didn’t know what to
do because only weak people asked for
help no one wants to watch a film where
the hero comes home each day and falls
to pieces in front of his wife because
of the pain and the horror that they
have seen that day so I soldiered on I
kept it all inside like the brave hero I
was trying to be or at least I did until
the day before my first wedding
anniversary because that’s the day my
wife and I decided to separate it was
have to tell our family and our friends
that we had failed our marriage had
ironically it was the moment in my life
that I finally became my hero
John McClane meet Gareth Davies a
world-weary cop with a broken marriage
consumed by his work and without an
ounce of self-worth but these troughs in
our lives
these times that we want to skip on
through gloss over these uncomfortable
times these are when we really learn who
we are and we learn who the people are
around us my friends rallied like you
might expect and many of them put all
their effort into fixing me and making
me feel better but there was a smaller
number of them who did something very
different
they sat with me and my discomfort they
listened to my story
without judgment and they made me feel
more loved and accepted and gave me a
greater sense of belonging than I’d ever
felt before it was the moment where I
realized in my life whose opinion really
counts
and once I worked out who that was I was
able to let go of everybody else’s it
gave me the confidence to take an honest
stark look inside at all those things
I’d always think I thought were
perfection or imperfection rather it
gave me the confidence to make a
decision I thought would be almost
impossible and it turned out to be
really easy and in a brief moment where
Hollywood actually mimics real life I
the badge that represented everything I
thought I should be but it turned out
the badge
represented the barrier between me and
everything else I could be we never get
rid of that gremlin that critic inside
our head but this experience made me
realize that I can be ready for it it
made me realize that I can make generous
assumptions about that critic because
let’s face it it really is just an
overactive Health and Safety Department
my critic wants me to stay small stay
quiet
because it thinks that will keep me safe
in my comfort zone so I knew how to
prepare myself and be ready for when it
came along tried to make me feel not
enough I was able to start turning up in
life as I wanted to not as I felt other
people wanted meeting I was able to make
some choices
I chose belonging over fitting in
belonging knowing that I am loved
because of my imperfections not despite
self compassion the ability to speak to
myself like I would a good friend and I
choose healthy striving the difference
between healthy striving and
perfectionism really comes down to one
thing who are you doing it for I choose
not to set myself unrealistic targets in
the hope of impressing other people I
choose to pursue excellence because I
but it’s hard and it’s not something
that you just flick a switch and it’s
done it’s a daily practice this choice
affects me every day as I try to turn up
as who I want to be sometimes I get it
right
sometimes I get it wrong but I haven’t
got rid of my gremlins I haven’t got rid
of my perfectionist I just know how to
handle them when they turn up so let me
give you an example let’s take this talk
for example what a success look like for
me giving this talk well I’ll tell you
what it looks like for my perfectionist
in about two minutes I’m going to walk
off of this stage my perfectionist tells
me I need to walk off
– you’ve standing whooping clapping
crying calling my name and then in the
days and the weeks and the months after
this talk it’ll go out on video and the
world will take it on it’ll turn viral
and people will talk about me and the
same breath as they do Tony Robbins
brené Brown Simon sigh neck this is what
my perfectionist tells me is the success
I must achieve but I’m ready for my
perfectionist you see I want you to take
something positive from what I’m saying
today I really do but what I will not do
is align my own self-worth with your
reaction and the reason I won’t do that
is because there is no possibility I
could ever control what you think of me
what I can control is how I show up
myself on this stage so success for me
I’ll consider my success the moment I
took this stage and I had the courage to
but is it worth it for me the easier
path would have just been to stay
miserable stay quiet stay safe stay
small stay bitter it’s difficult to
pursue a life that is bold and brave
it’s more difficult to face failure with
the same sort of energy that you face
success and it’s really difficult to
lean into vulnerability when I say
vulnerability I mean risk uncertainty an
emotional exposure it’s a hard choice to
ignore the common misconception that
vulnerability is weakness
and to treat it as courage I don’t know
where I’d be if I chosen the easy path
but I can tell you it is worth it
because I chose that path I chose to
treat vulnerability as courage I can
stand here now and tell you I’m still
married it’s my beautiful wife I can
tell you that we run a business that we
are immensely proud of with a client
base with whom we share more than just a
and we have this little rascal in our
lives who if you ever need it it’s the
perfect example of what it really is to
turn up every day in life as your true
unedited glorious self ladies and
gentlemen if we continue to be
intolerant towards ourselves intolerant
towards our imperfections we run the
danger of missing out on the everyday
beauty of this life and one of my
favorite songs sung by Lee Ann Womack
there’s the line when you get the choice
if you take nothing else away from this
talk I hope that the next time you get
that choice yourself I hope you can be
ready for your gremlins I hope you can
give yourself a break and I hope you can
let go of what other people think and I hope you dance thank you very much
Please follow and like us: