my position on death my position on this
mortality situation is that I am
completely opposed to it that said I
concede there was never really an
argument to be made I get no say in the
matter
and die I will I think most of us are
aware we need to make some friends with
death but let’s also admit that doing so
is hard even if I repeat there is no
life without death there is no life
without death over and over and over
some more
my guess is at the end of the day I’m
still gonna feel not that great about my
inevitable demise but the fact remains
death is a grand mystery it is a great
mystery it is a necessary mystery and it
will be the last physical act of our
lives and we can do it well and we can
do things now without will help us do it
well even when we’re young or young ish
and feeling good or feeling good ish in
fact that is the time to do it all this
came up for me several years ago about a
decade ago when I was in a period of
time called my medical extravaganza I
was getting poked and prodded an MRI by
a lot of good people who were trying to
bring some clarity to a mysterious
situation and all I knew was I was in a
lot of physical pain all the time and at
some point it occurred to me maybe it
doesn’t matter what’s wrong I should get
ready for the end I mean it was in so
much pain that it felt like something
really had to be wrong and so I thought
to myself by golly if I ever feel good
again I am going to get my death prep
together I swear it and meanwhile I was
helping my father through 14 years of
Alzheimer’s and his decline and death
and several friends died because that is
what happened life happens and I it was
all merging together I just did not feel
good and I did not feel like I could
really think about this in a cup
understanding calm kind of way but then
it did get better I was given a reprieve
turns out that I’m not dying from that
mysterious pain which I am dying I’m a
mere mortal but I’m not dying from that
soon so I had several years and I did
keep it on the front burner and I spent
several years going around interviewing
everyone I could find that would talk to
me about death I talked to nurses and I
talked to doctors I talked to hospice
workers in palliative care I talked to
lawyers I talked to dying people I
talked to living people who had helped
someone through a good death and I put
all these wisdoms into a guidebook for
me with the idea that I needed it and I
wanted to share it with other people too
because I’ll tell you one thing we don’t
even most of us don’t even think what is
a good death
what is that for me what does that look
like and so I went around just asking
everyone that first of all first of all
I want to say we aren’t getting the
death that we say we want 75% of
Americans say they want to die at home
but only a quarter do seventy percent
say they want low-intensity care at the
end of their life but nearly half
receive aggressive care in the last six
months which can be very troubling and
expensive and fewer than half of the
people say that they have given quote
much thought to the end of their lives
to which I can only say what are you
thinking because it’s gonna happen I
believe in listening to all these people
that there’s three major reasons we
haven’t prepared for it we haven’t
prepared for it legally and that means
looking at our medical and financial
documents we haven’t prepared for it
emotionally which is making peace with
it which I’ll be talking about more
later and we haven’t prepared for it
strategically the realities of how it
really might go and I think some people
in this regard say oh if it gets bad
just take me out in a field and shoot me
but the fact that matter is that’s
illegal and
immoral and probably the person isn’t
going to do it so we need to own it
we need to own and advocate for
ourselves to get to a good death I think
it’s important to consider why don’t why
do we push death away why don’t we have
a better relationship with death I think
there’s a couple reasons for that that I
want to go over quickly one is our
culture today it’s not our fault but
we’re very removed from death we don’t
live on farms anymore and there isn’t a
plague happening all around us so it’s
very sterilized and medicalized and
pushed away from us with white sheets
and that sort of thing we’re just not
that familiar with death anymore in this
culture to our knowledge about it isn’t
that great it kind of depends what you
believe but I feel that there haven’t
been that many people who went and came
back and told us all about it so that we
know what to expect I liken it to
discussing sex with a bunch of virgins
like the ideas out there but it’s
lacking in specificity and those
conversations lose their appeal after a
little while three has a human ego I
think we’re all pretty attached to who
we are and even if we try to separate
from our you know from ourselves and
have some perspective we’re not really
not comfortable with letting go of
ourselves and you know I like Laura I’d
like she’s done a lot of work to live on
this planet I like who she is and I know
she likes living at this point in time
on this planet Earth and she kind of
wants to stay here so I’m attached to
that idea before anything is human
nature and the way we’re wired we’re
wired for continuity and we just have to
have some kind of perception of
continuity over time it’s just our
nature we expect today to your tomorrow
to be a little like today and and you
know often it is five the degree of the
unknown we don’t know how it’s gonna
happen we could choke on a carrot on our
way out or we could get hit by a car or
we could be diagnosed with something but
it’s you know it’s scary when you don’t
know what’s gonna happen or win and
finally I think we have this deeply held
superstitious belief that thinking about
death might invite death that if we
right
will it might set into motion a chain of
events that makes the reading of that
will necessary so I’m here to say that
no talking about death does not bring
death it is not one of the side effects
so one day something happens something
will happen to you it will be a moment
of clarity it will be the death of a
loved one it will be a scary close call
it will be a diagnosis but you will have
a moment where you think oh my god I
really need to think about this and that
is what I went around talking to people
to see how can we do that when we’re
feeling good first of all I think that’s
a good you’re important to consider what
does a good death look like that’s gonna
be different for everyone in this room
but one thing I can say is a good death
is one that has been claimed you get a
say in it
that means your medical decisions are
respected which means your loved ones
and your doctor are listening to you
ditto your spiritual beliefs you are
also fully informed that means people
are having honest conversations with you
and not lying to you about getting
better if you’re not going to get better
you’re with those of your choosing and
not with those of your choosing you get
a say in the matter
you are as comfortable as possible which
means that pain relief might be part of
your care which means you might need an
advocate to have somebody helping you
with that
and finally the details that bring
comfort just like a good cup of coffee
or a good night’s sleep totally makes
your day I think having the right
snuggly blanket or teddy bear from
childhood or photo around you can really
bring a lot of comfort if possible I
mean this is a death that can be claimed
if we have that choice but 10% of us
will die unexpectedly in a way that we
couldn’t prepare for and in that case I
think we have to remember pieces and
inside job
it comes from work that we’ve already
done to get us to take that last breath
out with our chin up and our heart brave
so I want to talk about how to do that
one of my favorite concepts that I came
across in my in my research and it was
called many things by many different
people but I call it a death mantra and
by that I mean a series of words or an
image that you bring to your to your
consciousness at the very last moment
you take that last breath in and no
breath out if you’re able and it could
be the curve of your daughter’s smile or
your son’s eyes it could be the words
peace or love or hello great mystery or
dang I’ve done a good job it could be
any of those things but the trick is is
that you’ve thought about it what’s
something at the very last moment that
could bring you a lot of peace the trick
I think is practicing this before you
really need it because with everything
in life it’s practice that gets it
ingrained so I packed as my death
montreux whenever I get on an airplane I
hate flying I have to do it pretty often
but and I have to get on that you know
walk down the runway and get on the get
on the plane and so the whole time I’m
reciting my death mantra with which both
gets me on the airplane but also reminds
me of my greatest joys in life and
allows me to practice you know what I
want to come up naturally later a friend
of mine practices her death mantra
whenever she passes roadkill in the road
it’s her way of honoring that dead
animal because she’s very sensitive to
that but it’s also a way of reminding
herself that she too metaphorically will
be an animal on the side of the road
some day and that’s just the fact of it
you know I have another friend who
practices her death mantra she puts it
here in her sock drawer anytime she gets
out of pair of socks
she says her death mantra out loud the
idea being that it gets more ingrained
in her neural pathways and so that at
that moment when she needs it she will
be able to recall it so this sounds
weird and morbid perhaps but people are
out there practicing their death mantra
and I think you should too
another great thing I think we can do to
bring peace to our death and the death
of our loved ones is to talk about it
talk and prattle and babble and parlay
and chat and chat and chat about it
because the more we keep something
inside the more inner odd
and crazy we feel about it expressing
something is the way that we become more
comfortable with an idea a great way of
doing this is the death cafes that are
popping up and I just encourage you to
search that and go to a local one there
at cities all around or you can host
your own and there’s a whole death cafe
movement that’s kind of spreading across
the the nation and the world which
delights me another thing you can do is
what I call an ethical will this is you
writing down who you were who used to
what you stood for what mattered to you
the basic human that you are and I
suggest that you do this now I mean what
if you did this now and you updated it
every year on your birthday or at
Christmas or the New Year’s or something
it’s a really good way to have a life
review and to be able to talk about
leave some kind of record of what
mattered most to you another similar
activity you can do is what I call a
goodbye letter to life which is just
that you get to write dear life and then
you can vent or you can be grateful you
can be curious you can be all those
things but you get to address your life
so many people I talked to and of course
my research talked about the importance
of a good death being reliant upon
leaving behind a legacy a legacy of who
you are and that doesn’t always mean you
have a library built in your name it
means that you have some document that
keeps you that somebody knows who you
are and what you stood for and it’s also
a chance to review your life the ups and
downs the bad times the times you made a
mistake times you really kicked ass and
that’s a really empowering thing to so
to have some kind of overall perspective
is really important then there’s what I
call death prep extravaganza activities
which I find really fun I might be an
oddball but these are things that I
enjoy thinking about for example I write
my obituary every year on my birthday to
help get ready for that and and also
because I’ve been asked to write a few
people’s obit at the last minute and I
didn’t know anything about where they
were born or who their siblings were and
stuff so leaving behind something is a
good idea but also I think it’s super
fun to think about the last word
you want to hear for example would it be
a poem a prayer your kids names the
names of your favorite cats or locations
so think about if somebody’s with you
and they could read you some last words
what would you like to hear also what
smell would you like around you I want
the smell of sage which means I need to
tell somebody that so they’re smart
enough to bring in some sage from the
foothills your your favorite music what
kind of music brings you joy and peace
and hope books are quotes maybe items or
photos and also what last taste if you
get that choice it’s fun to think about
these things and I thought about it when
my father was passing and I snuck in a
little bottle of whiskey and a q-tip and
I put it just a little on his lips and
tongue just because I knew he might get
a kick out of that
and I wanted to give him the last good
taste of whiskey so you might think of
some of these fun things you can do for
yourself or for a loved one last but not
least and this is so critical at some
point in time in the very near future I
hope you will get it out of your head
where it might be formulating all these
ideas and on to the page and in a
document that you can hand a love of the
one who will be in your life for a very
long time so that they you know and just
ask them to keep it safe for you and to
in case something happens again the
thing I heard over and over that a bad
death or a difficult death or a death
that’s what a family apart was often
very related to the amount of
communication that had gone on about
death and if people didn’t know
somebody’s wishes they start arguing and
families can be split apart and that
sort of thing because a few hours now
can saved a loved one hundreds of hours
later and maybe even a lifetime of
heartache and regret if they had to
guess and what you wanted and what you
know and what if they guessed wrong and
they spend all this time so give them a
gift of a couple hours of preparation so
few people will do this actually we say
we want to do it and we put it off but
82% of people say it’s important to
write down their wishes only 23% have
done it 80% of
people say they want to talk to their
doctors about end-of-life care but only
7% of people have done it so what if
next time you go to your doctor you make
a space for a few extra moments and ask
him can I talk about advanced directives
can I tell you what I want at the end of
my life what kind of medical care I mean
that’s just a really basic thing to get
done
finally the overriding piece of advice I
got from folks I was interviewing was to
use death as your advisor on how to live
life if you’re aware of your death is
not a morbid activity it actually
brightens you and keeps you aware of the
preciousness of each day it keeps you
away from the trivial and the vain for
example you spill a cup of tea on your
shirt in the morning and your day is
gonna go be horrible and you’re in a bad
mood and you think to yourself oh I’m
gonna die someday I think that I think
the tea’s gonna matter a lot less you
know it keeps you in your perspective
big it also helps you give your life
priority and meaning and it helps you
make big decisions if you can imagine
your future self on a deathbed what
would you order you want to have
happened so in the end all I can say is
I’m a good example of somebody who was
terrified of death and I think I made
friends with my greatest fear it’s hard
to know for sure but I think if I walk
out of here and get attacked by a
mountain lion or a diagnosis of some
sort I think that I will be able to go
in a much gentler relaxed state of mind
I have documents I’m more or less
prepared my kids know where they are and
but more importantly I’ve done that
internal work to make peace with my
mortality
I think it’s true that we die the way we
live and so if we can live mindfully we
can die mindfully and that’s what I wish
for you I hope that your life is full
and your final journey is held with love
and light thank you
[Applause] [Music]