[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
when it comes to intimacy issues we all
need support I’m here to help like the
first time I talked to Kevin and Jackie
and I asked how often are you guys
connecting
Kevin said hardly ever only Saturdays
it may look like they’re issues about
sex but it’s actually about intimacy
lack of intimacy is the most common
reason for relationship breakdown it’s
the loss of intimacy that has partners
become like roommates and as that
distance grows they might look for
connection elsewhere shut down
altogether or take up late-night
rendezvous with Ben and Jerry
relationship and sexual dissatisfaction
can show up as destructive behaviors in
people’s lives
rage depression over shopping it doesn’t
matter whether you’re doing it once a
week once a year or once a day without
intimacy people feel lonely isolated in
shame like they’re in a sexless
relationship even when they are getting
some because sex and intimacy are not
the same thing
in to me see is when you feel safe to
open up and show yourself fully is what
makes you feel the love connection even
when you’re not physically together it’s
the heart and home the foundation of
your relationship Kevin and Jackie used
to look forward to making love but life
happened and now instead of making love
they make excuses they’ve got a 3-step
it’s a chore because something’s missing
intimacy and the thought of talking
about us feels like it’s gonna bring up
more issues so they’re walking on
eggshells and they argue about can you
please take out the trash instead she’s
exhausted he’s taken up watching porn so
how do you increase intimacy and have
more relationship and sexual
satisfaction good communication is
important
therapy is great but just talking
doesn’t really address your sex life you
need to bypass the trash argument
triggers drop resentment and get back
into a physical connection where you can
lean into each other knowing
everything’s gonna be okay
Jackie’s an elegant executive with a
to-do list and legs a mile long the
thought of sitting in an office with a
therapist and just talking saying I
don’t like the way he touches me we
drive her nuts hurt his feelings
and certainly not help them and a big
guy like Kevin he doesn’t want to talk
about feelings at all he talks business
emotional language is not for him he
wants to fix it and get back in the game
intimacy connection and sex can’t just
be talked about they need to be
experienced I’m going to share some
tools that foster intimacy without using
the f-word feelings you know how when
you’re about to eat a delicious
chocolate you slow down and mmm-hmm the
sound and your salivary glands cue your
whole body for memorable delicious
pleasure sounds good before you even
taste it I’ve discovered that that
simple sensual sound mm-hmm can also
dramatically increase intimacy
when you make this sound together your
breathing brainwaves and heart beats
synchronize by matching frequencies
you’ve tuned in and turned on the mmm
it’s that oh yes
sound vibrating through your nervous
system up your spine to your brain
creating a physical state change which
is the definition of the word mood do
[Applause]
mm-hmm is the sound of intimacy let’s
invite you to put your palm on your
chest and you’ll feel your chest vibrate
as we inhale and exhale mm-hmm three
times are you ready
[Music]
could you feel it so Kajaki who was
happy to make this sound women usually
are Kevin on the other hand couldn’t
feel it much at first but he understood
change her mind and her body will follow
so when she’s wound up he takes her in a
hero hold by merely wrapping her in his
arms and doing nothing else he’s her
Superman she feels safe to drop her
defenses her lists and unwinds his touch
just the way she likes it present firm
keeping his hands still they and they
sway
kevin is beaming they’re in their own
little world in a matter of a few
breaths this quick simple hero hold can
lead to a delicious kiss replacing their
former greeting one calling it a hero
hold instead of a hug eliminates
emotional triggers and gives clear
instructions knowing that they both
weren’t talking makes them feel safe and
builds their bodies communication trust
and bond which are the very foundation
of physical and emotional intimacy
Jackie also understood the Kevin like
many people responds to a sense of
purpose so will you please take out the
trash became will you please take out
and she responds to feeling loved so he
says I love it when you smile
she used to complain that a hug from him
meant that he was gonna start grinding
for her the grind meant its penis time
and it wasn’t about them it also
triggered memories of unwanted sexual
advances from her past and Kevin
complains that she never initiated so
now they set out an empty candy dish and
when one of them wants a little sugar
they put a candy in the dish when the
other agrees they put in a candy two
chocolates mean one of them mmm-hmm
jellybeans let’s do that thing she can
yeah that’s right you know who’s
initiating now right this allows them to
wordlessly negotiate their intimate
gameplay and it makes their foreplay
last all day and so you know
she’s ready for more but Kevin’s having
this is a common side effect of
over-pouring the difference between porn
and reality is porn is fantasy
entertainment that you watch and
masturbate to with a hand and reality is
a full-body contact sport multi-sensory
contact you got to get your head in the
game
imagine you’ve been watching football on
TV at home alone in the dark a lot and
and suddenly tried playing on a field
yeah might not go as expected either and
it makes sense that he got used to
watching as his way of finishing and
that’s why sometimes he’d check out and
go searching his brain for the scenario
that would take him over the edge
instead of staying with the delicious
pleasure softness of skin on skin and
dimples and jiggles people enjoy it all
feels good and if he checks out she
lovingly
put the hand on his chest and mmhmm
wordlessly brings him back to connection
without shame or breaking the mood too
often varieties only thought of as
multiple partners allow variety to
include all of your tools imagination
tongues fingers and toys stay curious
about what gives you pleasure and you’ll
never get bored let’s rename sex
pleasure because too often people equate
sex with penetration and orgasm is the
goal orgasm is a climax of what your
sexual pleasure and believe it or not it
doesn’t require an erection some of the
best sex a woman’s ever going to have
has nothing to do with a hard-on and I
can prove it in one word lesbians
a rectal challenges affect 40% of men in
their 40s 50% of men in their 50s and
the height report on female sexuality
found that hardly any women orgasm from
penetration anyways so men please stop
[Applause]
if that’s the only tool you’ve got in
your toolbox you’re already going into
[Applause]
I want every man and woman to know
you’ve got everything you need to get
the job done well be an amazing lover
and have a delicious intimate sex life
can I get mm-hmm
that’s right I want Kevin and Jackie and
all of you to feel sexually confident
are you ready what makes a great lover
is your ability to read your partner’s
pleasure and what makes a great partner
is your ability to express your pleasure
to your lover when you begin your
intimate encounter with the sound mm-hmm
you’re leveling the playing field by
speaking the same language finally as
Kevin says we’re good I know when she’s
happy we argue less it’s easier to get
over things when you’re in a winning
he feels supported grounded and
apparently he’s a much nicer husband
father boss and friend they’re happy
with their connection they do that here
Oh hold every day twice on Saturday and
because she feels so safe with him she’s
been able to release her trauma her
lists they’re having fun they’re candies
getting eaten their toolbox is filled
Superman cape and a Wonder Woman last
sue for whatever’s right for them
because when you feel this secure and
your intimate connection you can ago she
ate anything as partners in pleasure or
partners in crime it created the home
base the connection that they were both
longing for and the world’s a nicer
place when you’re satisfied better
intimacy for her better sex for him and
vice versa care for yourselves in each
other
explore pleasure in whatever way is
right for you
bring it on like chocolate and make your
world a more delicious place can I get
it
[Music] [Applause]