went into school with him to talk to his
teacher and she was asking me what my
job is and I started to tell her and Co
V rolled his eyes with boredom and said
ah basically miss my mom just gets paid
to talk about sex all day long well from
that moment on the teacher avoided me
for the rest of the year thinking that
I’m actually a sexed phone operator but
technically Co P is correct
I do get paid to talk about sex because
I run a charity for HIV prevention and
sexual reproductive health and one of
the many brilliant things about my job
is that it has given me a real level of
comfort to be able to talk about sex
without embarrassment and I have to tell
you that’s not necessarily how I grew up
now we may not like to talk about sex
that much but we certainly like to think
about it according to Google men like to
think about sex oh you’re laughing
already
every seven seconds so if Google is
correct that is 3.8 billion times that
men think about sex around the world but
hey I’m a woman and I like to think
about sex too but perhaps I think about
sex just a little bit differently to the
way men do I certainly think about the
physicality of sex I think about my
sexuality but I also think about my body
before my period started I wanted to
know if they never started did that mean
that I couldn’t have kids and when I
started dating when my period I had my
period did that mean I couldn’t have sex
that week and I was going on a hot date
now when I got married I was asked if I
would go and speak to an elder about how
to be a good wife and one of the things
that she told me is that when I have my
period in the eyes of the religion I am
unclean unclean this biological most
natural uncontrollable thing makes me
unclean now what does that mean in my
marriage if I had my period it means
that my husband and I would need to
sleep in separate beds that week of my
period it would mean that if I was
sitting at the table with my husband and
he wanted me to pass the salt to him I
would have to pick it up put it down and
take my hand away just in case our
fingers brushed and I passed my
uncleanliness on to him
now I’m sure had I done this that it
would have added a certain freeze on to
our sex life if I wasn’t allowed to
touch him for a week now I happen to be
Jewish but I could just as easily easily
have been standing here telling you that
I’m Muslim or Buddhist or Catholic or I
come from a tribe in Latin America or
Africa religiously and culturally we are
deemed as unclean and therefore unequal
the week of our periods even socially if
I go and buy sanitary towels by the very
nature of its name it means that I am
unsanitary now in my family we
definitely did not like to talk about
periods my dad used to push his chair
away from the table as soon as one of
his three daughters ever mentioned the
word of course we quite like to mention
it quite a lot just to get rid of him
from the kitchen table sorry dad but
another rather awkward conversation I
remember having with my mum was when she
sat at the end of my bed and wanted to
talk to me about the birds and the bees
and she told me that the first time that
I have sex should be on my wedding night
that I absolutely should not think about
having sex with a boyfriend before then
and I should never ever think about
having a one-night stand because that
would rain shame down on the family now
I don’t blame my parents for their
Victorian principles I mean I don’t know
don’t think anyone ever taught them
anything else but the point is that we
all have to learn to talk openly about
sex and be able to teach others we have
to teach not just about making sure we
know how to protect against pregnancy
and STI s but we have to make sure that
we talk about the physicality of sex
about sexuality
and about consent and respect and that
sex for everyone taking part is mutually
pleasurable not for just one person now
my son Coby has a rather liberal mother
and by the time he was a teenager I had
him be doing condom demonstrations with
dildos and I think I have scarred him
for life so my apologies but why is all
this important just now we are at this
unique moment in time we’ve just
celebrated the hundred year anniversary
of the incredible suffragettes victory
where they won the right for most women
some VIP women to vote in this country
and there are these global campaigns he
4xi me two times up amongst others and
they are brilliant and I like to think
that everyone is talking and listening
about these issues in their kitchens and
their bedrooms and their bathrooms but
are they are the right people talking
and listening the men who went to the
President’s Club the other week did they
think that me too was aimed at them I
mean they probably do now do the men in
a Township outside of Johannesburg where
three out of five of them admit to
sexual violence have they even ever
heard of any of this stuff I mean how do
we reach that very last mile and I love
these campaigns and I give them my voice
but I wonder and I worry that in their
board ‘no sin tackling everything from
dating to gender power to sexual
violence to rape to the
intersectionality of race are we missing
and forgetting that one little word that
so I asked you off the back of this TED
talk if perhaps you could do one thing
attached to your list of many things
this evening go home and talk about sex
to your parents to your siblings to your
friends to your kids to your partners
maybe just maybe off the back of it if
you’re talking to your partner you might
have some fabulous fun consensual safe
brilliant pleasurable sex but more
importantly than that I truly believe
that if the more we can talk about it
and embrace this topic the more that it
will be less embarrassing less taboo and
I hope that it will become less
dangerous thank you very much [Applause]