I was on a road trip recently with one
of my best friends and we were listening
to the Tim Ferriss show it’s a podcast
that’s been downloaded about 80 million
times and he wrote the New York Times
best-selling book the 4-hour workweek so
Tim is talking to Vince Vaughn the actor
of wedding crasher Fame on the podcast
and they’re talking about how team
didn’t learn to swim until he was about
30 years old because as a kid he was
bullied at summer camp and he almost
drowned and as a result he was deeply
traumatized and terrified of water and
he just never learned to swim and this
shamed him he felt really bad about that
but he did eventually learn to swim and
he talked about it and on this
particular podcast that I was listening
to Vince was telling Tim how inspired he
was by Tim’s story of overcoming his
trauma and learning to swim and I’m
listening to this story with my friend
driving in a car somewhere on i-90 in
South Dakota and I say out loud oh poor
Tim Farriss he was bullied at the kid
and he never learned to swim but then he
did and I was so inspiring
said that out loud my friend looks at me
like you’re a horrible person I’m like
yeah nothing so we just kind of turned
off the podcast and sat in uncomfortable
silence for a few minutes but it really
bugged me and when things really bug me
I need to like lean into him and get in
there and figure out why so a couple
days later maybe a week later or
something I was talking with my
counselor and we’re trying to figure out
why I was so bothered by this and we
came to the conclusion that I got mad
because not only did Tim overcome his
trauma and talk about it publicly when
he did he was met with compassion his
pain was validated and even better
somebody thought it was inspiring but
that still wasn’t good enough for me I
was like but bullying really that’s like
an acceptable trauma and what I mean by
an acceptable trauma is acceptable
traumas are things that people can
relate to there are things that when you
say them out loud people know how to
respond something like a dog dying or
losing a parent or getting bullied as a
kid we all know that those things suck
and we know that even if oh god I’m
sorry that must have been really hard
but if those are acceptable traumas what
are unacceptable traumas unacceptable
traumas are the things that people can’t
or don’t want to relate to that when you
say them out loud
they recoil they grimace they get
uncomfortable visibly you can see it in
their face so when I tell people that my
dad killed himself people tend to get a
little bit uncomfortable and I can see
them
squirming and when I tell them that
imagine what they look like when I tell
them that I was raped
I was 16 or that I was first sexually
abused when I was five so that feeling
that you might be having right now like
oh I don’t like that that’s a reaction
to stigma stigma is a badge of shame and
sometimes it’s a literal badge of shame
like an armband that a certain group of
people are forced to wear or a separate
bathroom that a certain group of people
are forced to use and other times it’s
more figurative it’s more social so if
we’re having a conversation with someone
and they bring up a subject that we’re
not comfortable with we just don’t talk
about it we forced that person to just
kind of live with that shame on their
own and they just have to kind of suck
it up and deal with it sexual abuse rape
mental illness and suicide these are my
unacceptable stigmatized traumas and
they’re horrible I would not wish them
on anyone but they’re mine and I can’t
undo them as much as I’ve tried believe
me I’ve tried to just be like doesn’t it
doesn’t it doesn’t work that way so that
reaction that I had to the Tim Ferriss
show where it was all judgy and angry
and weird that was my trauma and my
shame popping up like some weird trommel
whack-a-mole game like I’m perfect I’m
perfect but no you’re not because the
trauma just pops up at weird places and
embarrasses you and makes it sound like
a jerk
and I started thinking about my reaction
to that and
I was working through it I was thinking
about how I had this need to just
pretend that I’m perfect and in Tim
Ferriss his case his trauma seemed like
it wasn’t as bad as mine I got out this
measuring stick and I said historama
peasant as horrible as mine but yet when
he talks about it he gets compassion and
when I talk about mine
overwhelmingly in the past it hasn’t
necessarily been a compassionate
response where people are like oh you
know that was so inspiring that you
survived all that gross stuff it’s like
oh no no please don’t ignore it so I
learned to not talk about it and I
learned to be as perfect as I could
possibly be and I pursued perfection
like it was my job and I wore that
perfection like armor and I needed you
to see the person that I wanted you to
see who I thought was perfect
because underneath that armor of
perfection I was a hot mess so I’m
working through this and I start to
think about it like why do I need to be
perfect
why is it that we have to only show this
happy shiny side of ourselves and deny
that there’s any problems and oh if
there is like a small problem it’s okay
to talk about it in retrospect like
after it’s done because then we can all
like be like yeah you survived and
that’s so inspiring but it’s like the
Hollywood ending we can’t deal with
something that’s not wrapped up with a
bow so like in real life when the
protagonist dies alone in the Arctic
maybe gets eaten by a bear or has some
other tragic ending in the Hollywood
version he marries a sweetie and they
live happily ever after and I started to
refer to this phenomenon as the cult of
happiness so the cult of happiness has
been around forever it’s just that now
with social media we can project how
perfect we are to everybody so that I
think that I’m
only person that’s like sitting at home
eating Pringles while everybody else is
like in Italy posting gorgeous photos of
themselves with inspirational quotes and
all these things and there’s like 17
hashtags and it’s like blast gratitude
like wisdom like oh thank god the
universe is looking out for me on my
vacation in Italy but really bugs
because I don’t get it like for me it’s
not I love Italy
I mean Rome is my favorite city which I
didn’t think it would be but it is
actually my favorite city
I mean I love the happy stuff but for me
I also have this like massive dark side
and I drag it around with me everywhere
and I wish I could just get rid of it
but I can’t and it’s I feel like if I
were to post all these happy amazing
things on Instagram I’d just be an
impostor because you know going back to
that whack-a-mole thing I’m like hey and
look at me I’m in Italy and then it’s
like these trauma things pop up and I
need to just whack them down so
meanwhile I’m playing this whack-a-mole
and chasing perfection and pretending
I’m perfect and meanwhile my shame and
my trauma are just festering like dog
poop in a Smith’s bag in a ziplock bag
in a mason jar that I tie you know screw
the top on as tight as I can and then I
just carry it around with me and I’m
like oh yeah you just hold a mason jar
of poop no big deal you know but pay no
attention look away avert your gaze it’s
not a jar poop here that I’m caring it’s
just faster but what if I had taken that
crap and instead of lacking it up and
carrying it around with me and trying
pretend it’s not there what if I had
just laid it out in the Sun and let the
wind and the rain and the light
transform it
it might not have been gone completely
but it would have changed and it would
have become lighter it would have been
transformed
Robert Frost wrote the best way out is
always through and I have clung to that
through many many dark nights of the
soul and during trying to work through
all this stuff there was a lot of like
why me like why do I have to have all
these horrible things happen to me when
everybody else is like in Italy being
blessed stuff like I was gonna eat my
Pringles and so this girlfriend of mine
that I was on the road trip with we’re
still friends even even though she’s
still kind of thinks I’m a horrible
person she sends me this quote that says
what if the word victim could be
redefined as something closer to hero so
that the path some have tread would
spare others from the same I thought
okay haven’t heard that one before hero
not a victim not a survivor you know why
I hate that word I just do but a hero so
if I’m a hero I should have a superpower
me if I have a superpower I guess it’s
going to be to defeat stigma and as a
self-proclaimed
superhero my first act and my fight
against stigma is to introduce an
alternative to the cult of happiness in
the cult of compassion all of those
bright shiny happy things are good bring
them on over
totally cool we love it but all those
ugly sticky messy things that we kind of
keep out of the cult of happiness those
are accepted – and they’re honored and
they’re supported and they’re talked
through and they’re transformed into
something that’s maybe a little bit
closer to authentic happiness
so I can tell my story tonight because
I’ve done a lot of work since I moved to
Jackson Hole three and a half years ago
when I just packed it all up and decided
to live the dream because it is a dream
right I’ve done a lot of work and so to
spare you guys I mean maybe you’re not
gonna do as much work as I would have
done but maybe you’ve got some work to
do but to spare you maybe a little bit
of time I can tell you what I learned
from all of this listening bearing
witness to another suffering is not a
passive practice it’s an act of healing
and I have been healed by some of the
people in this room tonight who listen
to my story they bear witness to my
suffering they didn’t reject me they
didn’t tell me it was going to be okay
they just listened and they didn’t judge
it works the cult of compassion works
and all of us here can be heroes we can
work together to defeat stigma and we
can help people heal all it takes is an
open mind or an open heart if your right
brained just shut your mouth and listen
and by listening we can all together
change the world because the truth is we
are all broken it’s just a question of
how much and where and as Leonard Cohen
famously saying there is a crack in
everything it’s where the light gets in
thanks for listening
you
of my best friends and we were listening
to the Tim Ferriss show it’s a podcast
that’s been downloaded about 80 million
times and he wrote the New York Times
best-selling book the 4-hour workweek so
Tim is talking to Vince Vaughn the actor
of wedding crasher Fame on the podcast
and they’re talking about how team
didn’t learn to swim until he was about
30 years old because as a kid he was
bullied at summer camp and he almost
drowned and as a result he was deeply
traumatized and terrified of water and
he just never learned to swim and this
shamed him he felt really bad about that
but he did eventually learn to swim and
he talked about it and on this
particular podcast that I was listening
to Vince was telling Tim how inspired he
was by Tim’s story of overcoming his
trauma and learning to swim and I’m
listening to this story with my friend
driving in a car somewhere on i-90 in
South Dakota and I say out loud oh poor
Tim Farriss he was bullied at the kid
and he never learned to swim but then he
did and I was so inspiring
said that out loud my friend looks at me
like you’re a horrible person I’m like
yeah nothing so we just kind of turned
off the podcast and sat in uncomfortable
silence for a few minutes but it really
bugged me and when things really bug me
I need to like lean into him and get in
there and figure out why so a couple
days later maybe a week later or
something I was talking with my
counselor and we’re trying to figure out
why I was so bothered by this and we
came to the conclusion that I got mad
because not only did Tim overcome his
trauma and talk about it publicly when
he did he was met with compassion his
pain was validated and even better
somebody thought it was inspiring but
that still wasn’t good enough for me I
was like but bullying really that’s like
an acceptable trauma and what I mean by
an acceptable trauma is acceptable
traumas are things that people can
relate to there are things that when you
say them out loud people know how to
respond something like a dog dying or
losing a parent or getting bullied as a
kid we all know that those things suck
and we know that even if oh god I’m
sorry that must have been really hard
but if those are acceptable traumas what
are unacceptable traumas unacceptable
traumas are the things that people can’t
or don’t want to relate to that when you
say them out loud
they recoil they grimace they get
uncomfortable visibly you can see it in
their face so when I tell people that my
dad killed himself people tend to get a
little bit uncomfortable and I can see
them
squirming and when I tell them that
imagine what they look like when I tell
them that I was raped
I was 16 or that I was first sexually
abused when I was five so that feeling
that you might be having right now like
oh I don’t like that that’s a reaction
to stigma stigma is a badge of shame and
sometimes it’s a literal badge of shame
like an armband that a certain group of
people are forced to wear or a separate
bathroom that a certain group of people
are forced to use and other times it’s
more figurative it’s more social so if
we’re having a conversation with someone
and they bring up a subject that we’re
not comfortable with we just don’t talk
about it we forced that person to just
kind of live with that shame on their
own and they just have to kind of suck
it up and deal with it sexual abuse rape
mental illness and suicide these are my
unacceptable stigmatized traumas and
they’re horrible I would not wish them
on anyone but they’re mine and I can’t
undo them as much as I’ve tried believe
me I’ve tried to just be like doesn’t it
doesn’t it doesn’t work that way so that
reaction that I had to the Tim Ferriss
show where it was all judgy and angry
and weird that was my trauma and my
shame popping up like some weird trommel
whack-a-mole game like I’m perfect I’m
perfect but no you’re not because the
trauma just pops up at weird places and
embarrasses you and makes it sound like
a jerk
and I started thinking about my reaction
to that and
I was working through it I was thinking
about how I had this need to just
pretend that I’m perfect and in Tim
Ferriss his case his trauma seemed like
it wasn’t as bad as mine I got out this
measuring stick and I said historama
peasant as horrible as mine but yet when
he talks about it he gets compassion and
when I talk about mine
overwhelmingly in the past it hasn’t
necessarily been a compassionate
response where people are like oh you
know that was so inspiring that you
survived all that gross stuff it’s like
oh no no please don’t ignore it so I
learned to not talk about it and I
learned to be as perfect as I could
possibly be and I pursued perfection
like it was my job and I wore that
perfection like armor and I needed you
to see the person that I wanted you to
see who I thought was perfect
because underneath that armor of
perfection I was a hot mess so I’m
working through this and I start to
think about it like why do I need to be
perfect
why is it that we have to only show this
happy shiny side of ourselves and deny
that there’s any problems and oh if
there is like a small problem it’s okay
to talk about it in retrospect like
after it’s done because then we can all
like be like yeah you survived and
that’s so inspiring but it’s like the
Hollywood ending we can’t deal with
something that’s not wrapped up with a
bow so like in real life when the
protagonist dies alone in the Arctic
maybe gets eaten by a bear or has some
other tragic ending in the Hollywood
version he marries a sweetie and they
live happily ever after and I started to
refer to this phenomenon as the cult of
happiness so the cult of happiness has
been around forever it’s just that now
with social media we can project how
perfect we are to everybody so that I
think that I’m
only person that’s like sitting at home
eating Pringles while everybody else is
like in Italy posting gorgeous photos of
themselves with inspirational quotes and
all these things and there’s like 17
hashtags and it’s like blast gratitude
like wisdom like oh thank god the
universe is looking out for me on my
vacation in Italy but really bugs
because I don’t get it like for me it’s
not I love Italy
I mean Rome is my favorite city which I
didn’t think it would be but it is
actually my favorite city
I mean I love the happy stuff but for me
I also have this like massive dark side
and I drag it around with me everywhere
and I wish I could just get rid of it
but I can’t and it’s I feel like if I
were to post all these happy amazing
things on Instagram I’d just be an
impostor because you know going back to
that whack-a-mole thing I’m like hey and
look at me I’m in Italy and then it’s
like these trauma things pop up and I
need to just whack them down so
meanwhile I’m playing this whack-a-mole
and chasing perfection and pretending
I’m perfect and meanwhile my shame and
my trauma are just festering like dog
poop in a Smith’s bag in a ziplock bag
in a mason jar that I tie you know screw
the top on as tight as I can and then I
just carry it around with me and I’m
like oh yeah you just hold a mason jar
of poop no big deal you know but pay no
attention look away avert your gaze it’s
not a jar poop here that I’m caring it’s
just faster but what if I had taken that
crap and instead of lacking it up and
carrying it around with me and trying
pretend it’s not there what if I had
just laid it out in the Sun and let the
wind and the rain and the light
transform it
it might not have been gone completely
but it would have changed and it would
have become lighter it would have been
transformed
Robert Frost wrote the best way out is
always through and I have clung to that
through many many dark nights of the
soul and during trying to work through
all this stuff there was a lot of like
why me like why do I have to have all
these horrible things happen to me when
everybody else is like in Italy being
blessed stuff like I was gonna eat my
Pringles and so this girlfriend of mine
that I was on the road trip with we’re
still friends even even though she’s
still kind of thinks I’m a horrible
person she sends me this quote that says
what if the word victim could be
redefined as something closer to hero so
that the path some have tread would
spare others from the same I thought
okay haven’t heard that one before hero
not a victim not a survivor you know why
I hate that word I just do but a hero so
if I’m a hero I should have a superpower
me if I have a superpower I guess it’s
going to be to defeat stigma and as a
self-proclaimed
superhero my first act and my fight
against stigma is to introduce an
alternative to the cult of happiness in
the cult of compassion all of those
bright shiny happy things are good bring
them on over
totally cool we love it but all those
ugly sticky messy things that we kind of
keep out of the cult of happiness those
are accepted – and they’re honored and
they’re supported and they’re talked
through and they’re transformed into
something that’s maybe a little bit
closer to authentic happiness
so I can tell my story tonight because
I’ve done a lot of work since I moved to
Jackson Hole three and a half years ago
when I just packed it all up and decided
to live the dream because it is a dream
right I’ve done a lot of work and so to
spare you guys I mean maybe you’re not
gonna do as much work as I would have
done but maybe you’ve got some work to
do but to spare you maybe a little bit
of time I can tell you what I learned
from all of this listening bearing
witness to another suffering is not a
passive practice it’s an act of healing
and I have been healed by some of the
people in this room tonight who listen
to my story they bear witness to my
suffering they didn’t reject me they
didn’t tell me it was going to be okay
they just listened and they didn’t judge
it works the cult of compassion works
and all of us here can be heroes we can
work together to defeat stigma and we
can help people heal all it takes is an
open mind or an open heart if your right
brained just shut your mouth and listen
and by listening we can all together
change the world because the truth is we
are all broken it’s just a question of
how much and where and as Leonard Cohen
famously saying there is a crack in
everything it’s where the light gets in
thanks for listening
you
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