this story starts in Brisbane which is
fitting because that’s where we are
today
and I’m sitting in a hospital not too
far from here and I stink I haven’t
eaten in days I’m 22 and I’m in the
final year of my PhD with my whole life
in front of me I’m sitting in this
hospital because I’ve tried to kill
myself again this is not a new moment
this is completely familiar and I can
see the next part playing out as though
I’ve already rehearsed it somebody who
doesn’t know me is going to come in and
ask me a barrage of questions that hurt
I won’t feel them because I’ve already
let myself get used to this I’ll answer
dramatically or truthfully or rudely
it’ll depend on how I feel at the time
and then they’ll whisk me away somewhere
locked and cold and they’ll expect me to
heal and I won’t after enough time has
passed they will let me go I can
remember being little I was maybe 10 or
11 and I’d be lying in bed running
desperately to go to sleep and all I
could do is think about the idea that
I’d be dead soon I’d become gripped hour
after hour with these nightmares and
flashbacks
even now I don’t really have words to
explain what it was I thought about but
my body would sort of freeze and I’ve
become locked in my memories I’d
distract myself by reading her mind you
cannot control can be a terrifying thing
and because of the way that trauma scars
us in both physical and emotional ways
my body could not be controlled either
and I would relive things that had
happened to me over and over again
eventually I’d sort of to touch and
float up towards the ceiling and I’d
watch myself from above kind of
experiencing the world and I’d be
shaking and writhing around in bed and
crying that was awful and I was numb for
every low there was a high and for every
time of unwellness there was wellness
this was how I made sense of my life I
was a person who was sometimes sick and
sometimes well I figured this is my lot
and I’m gonna get used to this things
have improved a few weeks ago I was
showering before work and something
familiar happened this echo I hear in my
head made a sudden reappearance my skin
felt like it was crawling on top of my
bones the echo is difficult to explain
but it feels like I’m standing outside
of my body listening to the inside of my
skull I thought it’s become physical and
then kind of bounced accounts against
the membrane everything’s really
painfully loud and I can hear nothing
else I’d barely slept the night before I
was gripped by those same nightmares and
flashbacks and I was waking in these
pools of sweat and gritting my teeth and
you’re gritting my teeth from wailing
gritting my teeth then wailing hoo I
realize it was gonna be like this to say
it and it sounds like it’s happening in
your head and I know it’s all in my head
but what’s happening to my body is
different it’s it’s a physical thing
trauma is physical it is both real and
unreal all at once and standing in that
shower I’m in a million pieces and none
of it makes sense in my last few years
of high school these experiences they
were all-consuming I was getting lots of
help and nothing was really working I
was seeing a therapist and he was he was
great he suggested that I should read
some Harry Potter and in a sleepless
night I did somewhere near the end of JK
Rowling’s Goblet of Fire
Harry is lying on the ground he is
traumatized from a battle he’s five
books in to his own slot and he has
endured so much trauma upon trauma keeps
coming at him and yet he finds himself
back in the same place never learning to
change tucked or change course he needs
help desperately
and more than that he needs somebody to
go in and fight his battles for him or
so you think
and McGonagall runs to his side to aid
him the wise principal stops her and
bellows leave him leave him be
he says understanding is the first step
to acceptance and only with acceptance
can there be recovery now Dumbledore’s
lesson was not just for Harry Potter and
I’m going to focus on these three phases
today of understanding acceptance and
recovery
and how you can embody them to have real
impact on living with trauma and
recovery so the understanding when we
experience setbacks many of us respond
with the default impulse to pick
ourselves up and push on through we man
up dust off bounce back because being
sick is wallowing because there’s no
lesson to be learned beyond getting
better and being well that’s what we’ve
been taught and we also know that will
often find ourselves back in the same
place that we’re in before if we don’t
get to the root cause of the issue
trauma is different because it isn’t a
setback and there’s no way you can
rationalize trauma and we shouldn’t hope
to live in a world where you can
rationalize trauma we’re often told that
we’re in control of our actions and
reactions and and some of that’s helpful
rhetoric for for knowing ourselves but
there are also things that happen to us
and are done to us that are out of our
control and that includes our reactions
to them there is a duality to trauma the
experience of it and the reliving of it
in our everyday lives the imprint
registers and locks in and it plays
great havoc when I was showering before
work a few weeks ago I knew that I had
to understand what was happening in
order to move forward I had to touch the
tiles to know where I was in the
physical space had to hum a little in my
head to displace the echo I had to
recall the night before sweats and the
flashbacks and that part is hard and it
hurts keep going I told myself you’re
going to get used to this you were not
responsible for that act of violence
keep going keep going you’re gonna be
okay keep going
keep going you’re gonna get through this
turn the shower off I understood what
was happening
we are in the end products of how we
live through our stories both told and
retold and that experience that I was
describing as a kid where I’m floating
above myself is no different to being an
adult in a shower a few weeks ago these
experiences they’re shared and they’re
they sound academic they sound
intellectual work for happening in the
head that they happen in the body their
physical trauma is physical Dumbledore’s
first phase of understanding has two
prongs understanding the physical
experience of what is happening here and
now and understanding the preceding
events that led us to that space that we
were in it sounds straightforward so
that when we experience anything
setbacks instead of pushing ourselves up
and and dusting off Manning up we begin
with understanding what is happening and
what has happened so that we might move
on to the next phase the acceptance so
Harry is lying on the ground
and he doesn’t get to have some sort of
cerebral experience where he gains
insight into his past and it unlocks his
vast potential and nor do we he is on a
journey and Harry’s journey is a
physical one for Harry that was about
understanding his past trauma and how
that trauma is integrating with who he’s
becoming now and that’s not an easy
thing to do acceptance is not about
forgiveness and it isn’t a state of
amnesty or wiping the slate clean
because we aren’t in the business of
sweeping things under the carpet Harry
didn’t deserve what happened to him
trauma is not a given for me acceptance
didn’t happen in a moment and sometimes
I think it’s still happening but it was
about saying I’m not responsible for
what they did to me and I am NOT
responsible for what has happened to my
body and I’m not in control of all of
these responses but I am the keeper and
owner of this body and I’m not giving in
or letting myself be defeated I accept
what I understand that trauma has
happened and that it continues to wreak
havoc and my responses are going to be
mine again soon and like Harry I I kept
finding myself back in the same place in
hospitals void of options for moving
forward because acceptance is a thing
you can only do for yourself no one else
can do it for you in order to move
through I had to learn to tell a new
story about myself it is not your
responsibility to seek justice or fight
or be angry no one has the right to
recovery recovery from trauma is
personal
and it never needs to be complete you
aren’t broken
you aren’t broken and because you’re not
broken you don’t need to be fixed and
Harry’s lying on the ground you need to
understand what has happened accepted
and then he moves through and the same
is true for all of us the more we learn
about ourselves and the way we interact
with trauma the more likely we are to be
better at dealing with whatever comes
we contextualize events Andry remember
the way we were with a new view
recoveries a bit like that in that it is
an opportunity to continue reassembling
ourselves in relation to the things that
have happened and our reactions to them
learning to be okay with the way that
we’ve become because of what has
happened and because of what we’ve done
is a really complicated thing it’s the
stuff of a life lived for me
there’s no overcoming just how I’ve
learned to hold the story in my body the
story’s not finished yet trauma is not a
universal experience but each of us have
a role to play in supporting recovery
today I’ve told you a version of my
story in the hope that when someone
tells you their own you were there to
listen and hear them I didn’t tell you
gory details or sensationalized the
things that have happened to me and I
did that on purpose
you didn’t ask and I am the keeper of
this story so it’s my choice how it gets
told now not all of us know what to do
when someone reaches out and if you
don’t know don’t worry just know that
when someone’s asking you they’re trying
listen and resist the impulse to offer
advice or diagnose people go on all
sorts of journeys towards recovery
seeking practical advice can be a good
next step and professional support to
keep asking keep asking keep asking we
who have experienced trauma or repeat
behaviors that we think are serving us
well
and there are lots of reasons why and
yours will be different than mine when
you find yourself back in the same place
that you’re in before give yourself an
opportunity to understand what has
happened to have led you there give
yourself permission to tell your story
in a new way and seek acceptance from
those you love and from yourself
reinvent yourself so that when you find
an echo rumbling through your head in a
shower before work and it reminds you of
being a child and you’re scared of
everything you have clarity on the past
and the present and the future that your
recovery start and never end it’ll
remind you where you came from and it’ll
keep you focused it’ll show you how this
journey started there I was at the top
of a locked ward just down the road
staring down the barrel of the rest of
my life for what was barely left of it
I’d been really lucky to survived again
and I have all of the scars and bruises
to remind me but something had changed I
now understand what it is to live as a
person with trauma I accept what has
happened and all of the choices I have
made to attempt to heal and I realized
that I was already in recovery and that
this recovery is perfect I can just be me
fitting because that’s where we are
today
and I’m sitting in a hospital not too
far from here and I stink I haven’t
eaten in days I’m 22 and I’m in the
final year of my PhD with my whole life
in front of me I’m sitting in this
hospital because I’ve tried to kill
myself again this is not a new moment
this is completely familiar and I can
see the next part playing out as though
I’ve already rehearsed it somebody who
doesn’t know me is going to come in and
ask me a barrage of questions that hurt
I won’t feel them because I’ve already
let myself get used to this I’ll answer
dramatically or truthfully or rudely
it’ll depend on how I feel at the time
and then they’ll whisk me away somewhere
locked and cold and they’ll expect me to
heal and I won’t after enough time has
passed they will let me go I can
remember being little I was maybe 10 or
11 and I’d be lying in bed running
desperately to go to sleep and all I
could do is think about the idea that
I’d be dead soon I’d become gripped hour
after hour with these nightmares and
flashbacks
even now I don’t really have words to
explain what it was I thought about but
my body would sort of freeze and I’ve
become locked in my memories I’d
distract myself by reading her mind you
cannot control can be a terrifying thing
and because of the way that trauma scars
us in both physical and emotional ways
my body could not be controlled either
and I would relive things that had
happened to me over and over again
eventually I’d sort of to touch and
float up towards the ceiling and I’d
watch myself from above kind of
experiencing the world and I’d be
shaking and writhing around in bed and
crying that was awful and I was numb for
every low there was a high and for every
time of unwellness there was wellness
this was how I made sense of my life I
was a person who was sometimes sick and
sometimes well I figured this is my lot
and I’m gonna get used to this things
have improved a few weeks ago I was
showering before work and something
familiar happened this echo I hear in my
head made a sudden reappearance my skin
felt like it was crawling on top of my
bones the echo is difficult to explain
but it feels like I’m standing outside
of my body listening to the inside of my
skull I thought it’s become physical and
then kind of bounced accounts against
the membrane everything’s really
painfully loud and I can hear nothing
else I’d barely slept the night before I
was gripped by those same nightmares and
flashbacks and I was waking in these
pools of sweat and gritting my teeth and
you’re gritting my teeth from wailing
gritting my teeth then wailing hoo I
realize it was gonna be like this to say
it and it sounds like it’s happening in
your head and I know it’s all in my head
but what’s happening to my body is
different it’s it’s a physical thing
trauma is physical it is both real and
unreal all at once and standing in that
shower I’m in a million pieces and none
of it makes sense in my last few years
of high school these experiences they
were all-consuming I was getting lots of
help and nothing was really working I
was seeing a therapist and he was he was
great he suggested that I should read
some Harry Potter and in a sleepless
night I did somewhere near the end of JK
Rowling’s Goblet of Fire
Harry is lying on the ground he is
traumatized from a battle he’s five
books in to his own slot and he has
endured so much trauma upon trauma keeps
coming at him and yet he finds himself
back in the same place never learning to
change tucked or change course he needs
help desperately
and more than that he needs somebody to
go in and fight his battles for him or
so you think
and McGonagall runs to his side to aid
him the wise principal stops her and
bellows leave him leave him be
he says understanding is the first step
to acceptance and only with acceptance
can there be recovery now Dumbledore’s
lesson was not just for Harry Potter and
I’m going to focus on these three phases
today of understanding acceptance and
recovery
and how you can embody them to have real
impact on living with trauma and
recovery so the understanding when we
experience setbacks many of us respond
with the default impulse to pick
ourselves up and push on through we man
up dust off bounce back because being
sick is wallowing because there’s no
lesson to be learned beyond getting
better and being well that’s what we’ve
been taught and we also know that will
often find ourselves back in the same
place that we’re in before if we don’t
get to the root cause of the issue
trauma is different because it isn’t a
setback and there’s no way you can
rationalize trauma and we shouldn’t hope
to live in a world where you can
rationalize trauma we’re often told that
we’re in control of our actions and
reactions and and some of that’s helpful
rhetoric for for knowing ourselves but
there are also things that happen to us
and are done to us that are out of our
control and that includes our reactions
to them there is a duality to trauma the
experience of it and the reliving of it
in our everyday lives the imprint
registers and locks in and it plays
great havoc when I was showering before
work a few weeks ago I knew that I had
to understand what was happening in
order to move forward I had to touch the
tiles to know where I was in the
physical space had to hum a little in my
head to displace the echo I had to
recall the night before sweats and the
flashbacks and that part is hard and it
hurts keep going I told myself you’re
going to get used to this you were not
responsible for that act of violence
keep going keep going you’re gonna be
okay keep going
keep going you’re gonna get through this
turn the shower off I understood what
was happening
we are in the end products of how we
live through our stories both told and
retold and that experience that I was
describing as a kid where I’m floating
above myself is no different to being an
adult in a shower a few weeks ago these
experiences they’re shared and they’re
they sound academic they sound
intellectual work for happening in the
head that they happen in the body their
physical trauma is physical Dumbledore’s
first phase of understanding has two
prongs understanding the physical
experience of what is happening here and
now and understanding the preceding
events that led us to that space that we
were in it sounds straightforward so
that when we experience anything
setbacks instead of pushing ourselves up
and and dusting off Manning up we begin
with understanding what is happening and
what has happened so that we might move
on to the next phase the acceptance so
Harry is lying on the ground
and he doesn’t get to have some sort of
cerebral experience where he gains
insight into his past and it unlocks his
vast potential and nor do we he is on a
journey and Harry’s journey is a
physical one for Harry that was about
understanding his past trauma and how
that trauma is integrating with who he’s
becoming now and that’s not an easy
thing to do acceptance is not about
forgiveness and it isn’t a state of
amnesty or wiping the slate clean
because we aren’t in the business of
sweeping things under the carpet Harry
didn’t deserve what happened to him
trauma is not a given for me acceptance
didn’t happen in a moment and sometimes
I think it’s still happening but it was
about saying I’m not responsible for
what they did to me and I am NOT
responsible for what has happened to my
body and I’m not in control of all of
these responses but I am the keeper and
owner of this body and I’m not giving in
or letting myself be defeated I accept
what I understand that trauma has
happened and that it continues to wreak
havoc and my responses are going to be
mine again soon and like Harry I I kept
finding myself back in the same place in
hospitals void of options for moving
forward because acceptance is a thing
you can only do for yourself no one else
can do it for you in order to move
through I had to learn to tell a new
story about myself it is not your
responsibility to seek justice or fight
or be angry no one has the right to
recovery recovery from trauma is
personal
and it never needs to be complete you
aren’t broken
you aren’t broken and because you’re not
broken you don’t need to be fixed and
Harry’s lying on the ground you need to
understand what has happened accepted
and then he moves through and the same
is true for all of us the more we learn
about ourselves and the way we interact
with trauma the more likely we are to be
better at dealing with whatever comes
we contextualize events Andry remember
the way we were with a new view
recoveries a bit like that in that it is
an opportunity to continue reassembling
ourselves in relation to the things that
have happened and our reactions to them
learning to be okay with the way that
we’ve become because of what has
happened and because of what we’ve done
is a really complicated thing it’s the
stuff of a life lived for me
there’s no overcoming just how I’ve
learned to hold the story in my body the
story’s not finished yet trauma is not a
universal experience but each of us have
a role to play in supporting recovery
today I’ve told you a version of my
story in the hope that when someone
tells you their own you were there to
listen and hear them I didn’t tell you
gory details or sensationalized the
things that have happened to me and I
did that on purpose
you didn’t ask and I am the keeper of
this story so it’s my choice how it gets
told now not all of us know what to do
when someone reaches out and if you
don’t know don’t worry just know that
when someone’s asking you they’re trying
listen and resist the impulse to offer
advice or diagnose people go on all
sorts of journeys towards recovery
seeking practical advice can be a good
next step and professional support to
keep asking keep asking keep asking we
who have experienced trauma or repeat
behaviors that we think are serving us
well
and there are lots of reasons why and
yours will be different than mine when
you find yourself back in the same place
that you’re in before give yourself an
opportunity to understand what has
happened to have led you there give
yourself permission to tell your story
in a new way and seek acceptance from
those you love and from yourself
reinvent yourself so that when you find
an echo rumbling through your head in a
shower before work and it reminds you of
being a child and you’re scared of
everything you have clarity on the past
and the present and the future that your
recovery start and never end it’ll
remind you where you came from and it’ll
keep you focused it’ll show you how this
journey started there I was at the top
of a locked ward just down the road
staring down the barrel of the rest of
my life for what was barely left of it
I’d been really lucky to survived again
and I have all of the scars and bruises
to remind me but something had changed I
now understand what it is to live as a
person with trauma I accept what has
happened and all of the choices I have
made to attempt to heal and I realized
that I was already in recovery and that
this recovery is perfect I can just be me
Please follow and like us: