Translator: Lilian Chiu Interpreter: Marssi Draw
A few months ago, I went to meet my eldest daughter
She attended the local New England Junior College Sports League school
I drove her to a family party
Almost in the entire drive
She is complaining about one of her classes
She thinks the class is hard and she feels she is stupid
She has been persistent in how hard she is
I listen to her because I am a good mother
When my child is not happy I should listen
And I was thinking
My child read a very good school
She performed well in school
She hasn’t changed her boyfriend in the past three years—
We also really like this guy –
She is the chairman of the community football team
She has many friends
She is five feet tall, she is blond, she is very thin
She is just like me
However, her entire person focused on
The only thing that didn’t go well in her life
This reminds me of one of my patients a few years ago
One woman, maybe forty
Happy marriage, husband has a good job
So she has the capital to be a full-time mother at home.
I remember that she had three teenage children and she was very good
She was a volunteer at the children’s school and a volunteer at the church.
She has many friends and she is very good – she is a runner
She does not drink for social reasons
When I listen to her, I was thinking
“Okay, the institute has never had a class
Teach you what to do if you marry one of your patients
Because, in fact, it sounded like she was living a good life
Finally, I obtained her entire physiological and psychological social history data
I said, “I’m a psychologist and I teach stress management
Why are you here? ”
She said: “Because every time I open the drawer, I see a mess inside
I just felt I failed. ”
That made me interested in perfectionism
Why do we all tend to focus on
We have only one or two wrong things in our lives.
Not to embrace all the right things in our life?
I am mainly worried about women
I am a woman, I have two daughters, I have a sister
Most of my patients are female
The fact is that research shows
In general, men worry about three things every day
Every day, women worry about twelve things
So if you are a perfectionist and female
You are more likely to be under pressure
So, is there such a thing as healthy perfectionism?
In fact, it is called compliance perfectionism.
In fact, you can also become a healthy perfectionist
You can very successfully make some things very good
You can be a good footballer
You can become an outstanding math student
You can become a great friend
There are a variety of ways to become compliant perfectionists
When you do something well, you feel happy
But you also know how to adjust downwards
You know that your life is perfect without every face
So we must talk about the bad perfectionists
That is, people who cannot do this
In fact, whenever bad conformity perfectionists do one thing
Next time, they have to do better
So, it’s great to get 95 points on the physics exam, but next time you’ve got to score 97
In a football game, you score two goals and you have to score four goals next time
Complying with bad perfectionists is not doing so well
Their average score is lower than that of compliance perfectionists
Their alcohol and drug abuse are more serious
And their melancholy risk is higher
It’s hard to be a perfectionist
I’m a psychologist and I’m fighting this every day
I remember years ago
I live in a small town in the suburbs of Boston
Most women in town don’t have jobs at home as full-time mothers
If you are a mother who wants to work, she will be very lonely
A few years ago, I joined a group of nephews
I don’t know if you guys know what the nephew community is
But it means literally, you have to throw dice.
Similar to speed boat
You can drink a lot of wine
It doesn’t matter
Because there is no need to have any talent, skills, insights in the game.
I joined the deaf group and it works by assigning twelve women together
Every month in one of the family’s homes
It was unfair that I was assigned to December, but in short –
So, in the first month I went to play dice and I had a good time
But I have noticed that the woman’s house is perfect
Each room has furniture
There are photos on the wall
The curtain also comes with furniture
The house looks beautiful and I start to worry
The second month, the same thing happened
The house is beautiful and everything is perfect
The woman is obviously innocent at home
I complain with my neighbors who also have to go out to work
I said, “I’m getting nervous
We were painted seven years ago
I think we haven’t re-attached the photos yet.”
She asked me to rest assured that she said:
“It doesn’t matter. Everyone has a different way of thinking creatively.
For some women, it is very important to make the house beautiful.
Alice, your talent in other fields”
But I’m getting nervous
As December gets closer, I am more anxious
I am full of perfectionism inside
I remember I also took two days off to clean the house
I really hope that my house can look like that
The time has come to open the door and the women walk in
A woman walks into my lobby
Look up and say, “I can’t believe you have white walls.”
The next two and a half hours
I have been saying, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I have white walls.”
I didn’t know at the time that the white walls should not be
But after two and a half hours, I thought to myself:
A good witch
Who will walk into your house and criticize the color of the house walls? ”
I can feel my inner perfectionism crushed
I understand that the color of my house wall is not important
So I withdrew from the scorpion group
So far, I still kill time with the same group of women every month
We call girls’ nights, drinking and talking
We don’t care what color our walls are
So you can let go of perfectionism
But what triggers perfectionism?
First, body image
Body image is quite important
It’s scary for me. I’m a psychologist. I’ve been trained.
You will pay attention to melancholy and pay attention to suicidal tendency
Those are things that psychologists worry about
not like this
Anorexia nervosa is actually the deadliest in mental illness
In fact, the number of young girls who died of anorexia nervosa
Twelve times higher than other diseases
41% of first graders
Are afraid of fat
82% of fourth-grade girls want to be leaner
At the beginning of the beauty contest, Miss America’s body mass index was 22
The current index is 16.9
Women with a body mass index of 16.9 may not be pregnant
Because she is too thin
So, the body image is eating disorders–they’re very scary
In this country, during the five-year period
Bulimia increases its prevalence by five times
Perfection is a problem
In this country, the average model is 180 cm, 53 kg
In this country, the average female is 163 cm, 64 kg
This means that no matter how we do it, no matter how perfect we are
We can never look like a model
What trigger factor? Achievement
Is it good enough to get A? Is getting A+ good enough?
I once had a patient in the Institute
She has work
She forced herself to perform well at school
But she didn’t have time to make quality what she wanted
Because she also wants to work
She always gets A, she can’t think why she’s always got A
She thinks that her achievements are higher than the level
Until one day, her professor wants all students
Helping each other’s report edit her before she went to read the classmate’s report
She understands why she always got A
However, she continues to perform well but at least she understands
Her perfectionism drives her to go beyond
Her professor’s expectations for students
Social goals, social media –
My daughter is fifteen and she has half the time in her life
Flowers on Snapchat with Instagram
Most of my patients will watch Facebook
The problem is: everyone will not post bad things
We will not post photos that are detrimental to our image.
When I was practising I saw many pregnant women
They said: “All you see on Facebook are all carefree pregnant women.”
I thought to myself, “Yeah, they won’t post their vomit photos.
Only good content will be posted”
But they also post content for parties and social events
And you were not invited to participate
It will hurt your feelings and affect our sense of inclusion.
Athlete goal – I had a patient a few years ago
Is a student at another New England Junior College Sports League school
She was admitted to school because of a sport
She came to me because she was under stress
She felt that her performance was not good enough in that sport
She also knows that she cannot experience university life
She cannot go to class and she cannot participate in social activities
She can’t drink, she can’t do anything
Because she desperately forced herself to excel in that sport.
She also left the university for this reason.
Finally, family issues
Look at people and think they are from
Perfect family is easy
This is similar to what you see on social media
I tell you as a psychologist
If you are a psychologist, you hear these things
You will see patients with a perfect family
There is no such thing
Problems with alcoholism at home, problems with violence, and problems with gambling
There is a family in our town that I really think they are the perfect family
I don’t know them well
But enough to know, I have social relationships with them
Parents have a good job and earn a lot of money
Their trip is great
Parents are very attractive in appearance
There are three children who are also very attractive and very athletic
Are smart and very popular
So everyone’s impression –
I remember once at a party
Everyone seems to be discouraged when this family comes in.
Because the perfect family came
Others will be eclipsed
At that time, I was writing a book about perfectionism.
I sent a notice that says: In order to write the book, I need to interview the subject
Not my interview
My author will do interviews so I can keep secret
Turning the time around a year, I was reading a sample book of my book.
I read a woman’s story. She said:
“I know that in my town, my family has a perfect family image.”
She said: “But I don’t love my husband anymore.
I plan to leave him as soon as possible after my last child graduated from high school.
My eldest son has marijuana addiction
Another child was arrested for stealing something in the shop
So we are not perfect.”
Be cautious when judging people with what you see
Because, in fact, people may not look so perfect
What can you do about perfectionism?
One is physical strategy
Believe it or not, exercise is a very effective way
Treating anxiety and depression both contribute to perfectionism
So when you feel bad because you are not perfect
Go for a walk, go for a run, go for a swim
Go for a walk with a friend
Exercise is helpful
A recent study showed that especially meditation
Can slow down the symptoms of poor perfectionism
So, download a meditation app to do some form of relaxation
This is helpful for adjusting the degree of perfectionism
When we talk about body imagery
In the United States, there is a problem that people feel embarrassed about eating.
We teach patients the so-called 80-20 program
If 80% of what you eat is good
You know, good things like whole grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts, berries, etc.
Then the remaining 20% will do whatever you want
Because my patient’s approach is that they will not eat any sweets for five days.
Then they will eat a bag of biscuits
A lot of practice is to eat biscuits several times a day.
Let that be 20% of you instead of 5 days
Cognitive strategy: What can you do? How do you think differently?
You are your own biggest enemy
No one is worse than your brain to you
Just once, write down all your thoughts about yourself and see how good these ideas are
Because we don’t do this
When we look in the mirror
We will pick ourselves and belittle ourselves
When I was a kid, my dad would say I was lazy
I probably spent most of my adult life
Trying to get that voice out of my head
Think about what you hear in your head
Those are the ones we have to challenge again
Last year, one of my patients asked me:
“Comparing yourself to others is a good or a bad thing?”
My answer is: “Comparing downwards is a good thing.”
Compare yourself to people who are not as good as you
It’s really good for you
But we don’t do this
We always compare upwards
We will look at people who are smarter than us and thinner than us
The family is richer than our wealthy people
There are more people and friends than we often travel.
Help me out and start to compare downwards
Because when you compare downwards, you will be healthier
Gratitude: too much research on gratitude
In fact, there are textbooks that are grateful
It’s as simple as recognizing the good things in your life
Studies show that if you put a note by the bed
Before going to bed at night
Write down a few things in your life that make you feel grateful
Your entire point of view will improve
You will be less depressed and less anxious
This power is amazing
Recognize hidden issues
nobody is perfect
I can tell you:
I have seen patients who are considered perfect people
There are a lot of P (patient, perfect, human, all starting with P)
nobody is perfect
Everyone has problems but they are presented in different ways
People hide their problems in different ways
But everyone has their own problems
A few years ago, I went to travel with a group of people
To do a large-scale women’s health seminar
Two to three thousand women participated in each seminar
These women have various body sizes, races, and identities
From big cities or small cities
One thing happened, one of the sponsors
Is doing beautification – really beautiful marketing activities
They want women to recognize their beauty but they don’t use traditional methods
Their approach is in the entire exhibition hall
They put a large mirror
Attach a marker to each mirror
There is a slogan on each mirror, which reads:
“Looking at the mirror in the mirror, write down what you see.”
At the end of each day, I will walk around
Look at what these mirrors have written
very impressive
Don’t forget that women who come to participate are not rich or beautiful
They are typical American women
Their body, size, race, etc. are different
I will walk around and see them write:
“I have beautiful eyes”
“My hair is great”
“I like my curve”
“My heart is very strong.”
“I am very resilient”
“I am a very good friend.”
“I am a wonderful mother.”
“I’m a great daughter.”
So, help me a favor, next time you look in the mirror
Think about what’s beautiful about yourself
Thank you
(applause)
A few months ago, I went to meet my eldest daughter
She attended the local New England Junior College Sports League school
I drove her to a family party
Almost in the entire drive
She is complaining about one of her classes
She thinks the class is hard and she feels she is stupid
She has been persistent in how hard she is
I listen to her because I am a good mother
When my child is not happy I should listen
And I was thinking
My child read a very good school
She performed well in school
She hasn’t changed her boyfriend in the past three years—
We also really like this guy –
She is the chairman of the community football team
She has many friends
She is five feet tall, she is blond, she is very thin
She is just like me
However, her entire person focused on
The only thing that didn’t go well in her life
This reminds me of one of my patients a few years ago
One woman, maybe forty
Happy marriage, husband has a good job
So she has the capital to be a full-time mother at home.
I remember that she had three teenage children and she was very good
She was a volunteer at the children’s school and a volunteer at the church.
She has many friends and she is very good – she is a runner
She does not drink for social reasons
When I listen to her, I was thinking
“Okay, the institute has never had a class
Teach you what to do if you marry one of your patients
Because, in fact, it sounded like she was living a good life
Finally, I obtained her entire physiological and psychological social history data
I said, “I’m a psychologist and I teach stress management
Why are you here? ”
She said: “Because every time I open the drawer, I see a mess inside
I just felt I failed. ”
That made me interested in perfectionism
Why do we all tend to focus on
We have only one or two wrong things in our lives.
Not to embrace all the right things in our life?
I am mainly worried about women
I am a woman, I have two daughters, I have a sister
Most of my patients are female
The fact is that research shows
In general, men worry about three things every day
Every day, women worry about twelve things
So if you are a perfectionist and female
You are more likely to be under pressure
So, is there such a thing as healthy perfectionism?
In fact, it is called compliance perfectionism.
In fact, you can also become a healthy perfectionist
You can very successfully make some things very good
You can be a good footballer
You can become an outstanding math student
You can become a great friend
There are a variety of ways to become compliant perfectionists
When you do something well, you feel happy
But you also know how to adjust downwards
You know that your life is perfect without every face
So we must talk about the bad perfectionists
That is, people who cannot do this
In fact, whenever bad conformity perfectionists do one thing
Next time, they have to do better
So, it’s great to get 95 points on the physics exam, but next time you’ve got to score 97
In a football game, you score two goals and you have to score four goals next time
Complying with bad perfectionists is not doing so well
Their average score is lower than that of compliance perfectionists
Their alcohol and drug abuse are more serious
And their melancholy risk is higher
It’s hard to be a perfectionist
I’m a psychologist and I’m fighting this every day
I remember years ago
I live in a small town in the suburbs of Boston
Most women in town don’t have jobs at home as full-time mothers
If you are a mother who wants to work, she will be very lonely
A few years ago, I joined a group of nephews
I don’t know if you guys know what the nephew community is
But it means literally, you have to throw dice.
Similar to speed boat
You can drink a lot of wine
It doesn’t matter
Because there is no need to have any talent, skills, insights in the game.
I joined the deaf group and it works by assigning twelve women together
Every month in one of the family’s homes
It was unfair that I was assigned to December, but in short –
So, in the first month I went to play dice and I had a good time
But I have noticed that the woman’s house is perfect
Each room has furniture
There are photos on the wall
The curtain also comes with furniture
The house looks beautiful and I start to worry
The second month, the same thing happened
The house is beautiful and everything is perfect
The woman is obviously innocent at home
I complain with my neighbors who also have to go out to work
I said, “I’m getting nervous
We were painted seven years ago
I think we haven’t re-attached the photos yet.”
She asked me to rest assured that she said:
“It doesn’t matter. Everyone has a different way of thinking creatively.
For some women, it is very important to make the house beautiful.
Alice, your talent in other fields”
But I’m getting nervous
As December gets closer, I am more anxious
I am full of perfectionism inside
I remember I also took two days off to clean the house
I really hope that my house can look like that
The time has come to open the door and the women walk in
A woman walks into my lobby
Look up and say, “I can’t believe you have white walls.”
The next two and a half hours
I have been saying, “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I have white walls.”
I didn’t know at the time that the white walls should not be
But after two and a half hours, I thought to myself:
A good witch
Who will walk into your house and criticize the color of the house walls? ”
I can feel my inner perfectionism crushed
I understand that the color of my house wall is not important
So I withdrew from the scorpion group
So far, I still kill time with the same group of women every month
We call girls’ nights, drinking and talking
We don’t care what color our walls are
So you can let go of perfectionism
But what triggers perfectionism?
First, body image
Body image is quite important
It’s scary for me. I’m a psychologist. I’ve been trained.
You will pay attention to melancholy and pay attention to suicidal tendency
Those are things that psychologists worry about
not like this
Anorexia nervosa is actually the deadliest in mental illness
In fact, the number of young girls who died of anorexia nervosa
Twelve times higher than other diseases
41% of first graders
Are afraid of fat
82% of fourth-grade girls want to be leaner
At the beginning of the beauty contest, Miss America’s body mass index was 22
The current index is 16.9
Women with a body mass index of 16.9 may not be pregnant
Because she is too thin
So, the body image is eating disorders–they’re very scary
In this country, during the five-year period
Bulimia increases its prevalence by five times
Perfection is a problem
In this country, the average model is 180 cm, 53 kg
In this country, the average female is 163 cm, 64 kg
This means that no matter how we do it, no matter how perfect we are
We can never look like a model
What trigger factor? Achievement
Is it good enough to get A? Is getting A+ good enough?
I once had a patient in the Institute
She has work
She forced herself to perform well at school
But she didn’t have time to make quality what she wanted
Because she also wants to work
She always gets A, she can’t think why she’s always got A
She thinks that her achievements are higher than the level
Until one day, her professor wants all students
Helping each other’s report edit her before she went to read the classmate’s report
She understands why she always got A
However, she continues to perform well but at least she understands
Her perfectionism drives her to go beyond
Her professor’s expectations for students
Social goals, social media –
My daughter is fifteen and she has half the time in her life
Flowers on Snapchat with Instagram
Most of my patients will watch Facebook
The problem is: everyone will not post bad things
We will not post photos that are detrimental to our image.
When I was practising I saw many pregnant women
They said: “All you see on Facebook are all carefree pregnant women.”
I thought to myself, “Yeah, they won’t post their vomit photos.
Only good content will be posted”
But they also post content for parties and social events
And you were not invited to participate
It will hurt your feelings and affect our sense of inclusion.
Athlete goal – I had a patient a few years ago
Is a student at another New England Junior College Sports League school
She was admitted to school because of a sport
She came to me because she was under stress
She felt that her performance was not good enough in that sport
She also knows that she cannot experience university life
She cannot go to class and she cannot participate in social activities
She can’t drink, she can’t do anything
Because she desperately forced herself to excel in that sport.
She also left the university for this reason.
Finally, family issues
Look at people and think they are from
Perfect family is easy
This is similar to what you see on social media
I tell you as a psychologist
If you are a psychologist, you hear these things
You will see patients with a perfect family
There is no such thing
Problems with alcoholism at home, problems with violence, and problems with gambling
There is a family in our town that I really think they are the perfect family
I don’t know them well
But enough to know, I have social relationships with them
Parents have a good job and earn a lot of money
Their trip is great
Parents are very attractive in appearance
There are three children who are also very attractive and very athletic
Are smart and very popular
So everyone’s impression –
I remember once at a party
Everyone seems to be discouraged when this family comes in.
Because the perfect family came
Others will be eclipsed
At that time, I was writing a book about perfectionism.
I sent a notice that says: In order to write the book, I need to interview the subject
Not my interview
My author will do interviews so I can keep secret
Turning the time around a year, I was reading a sample book of my book.
I read a woman’s story. She said:
“I know that in my town, my family has a perfect family image.”
She said: “But I don’t love my husband anymore.
I plan to leave him as soon as possible after my last child graduated from high school.
My eldest son has marijuana addiction
Another child was arrested for stealing something in the shop
So we are not perfect.”
Be cautious when judging people with what you see
Because, in fact, people may not look so perfect
What can you do about perfectionism?
One is physical strategy
Believe it or not, exercise is a very effective way
Treating anxiety and depression both contribute to perfectionism
So when you feel bad because you are not perfect
Go for a walk, go for a run, go for a swim
Go for a walk with a friend
Exercise is helpful
A recent study showed that especially meditation
Can slow down the symptoms of poor perfectionism
So, download a meditation app to do some form of relaxation
This is helpful for adjusting the degree of perfectionism
When we talk about body imagery
In the United States, there is a problem that people feel embarrassed about eating.
We teach patients the so-called 80-20 program
If 80% of what you eat is good
You know, good things like whole grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts, berries, etc.
Then the remaining 20% will do whatever you want
Because my patient’s approach is that they will not eat any sweets for five days.
Then they will eat a bag of biscuits
A lot of practice is to eat biscuits several times a day.
Let that be 20% of you instead of 5 days
Cognitive strategy: What can you do? How do you think differently?
You are your own biggest enemy
No one is worse than your brain to you
Just once, write down all your thoughts about yourself and see how good these ideas are
Because we don’t do this
When we look in the mirror
We will pick ourselves and belittle ourselves
When I was a kid, my dad would say I was lazy
I probably spent most of my adult life
Trying to get that voice out of my head
Think about what you hear in your head
Those are the ones we have to challenge again
Last year, one of my patients asked me:
“Comparing yourself to others is a good or a bad thing?”
My answer is: “Comparing downwards is a good thing.”
Compare yourself to people who are not as good as you
It’s really good for you
But we don’t do this
We always compare upwards
We will look at people who are smarter than us and thinner than us
The family is richer than our wealthy people
There are more people and friends than we often travel.
Help me out and start to compare downwards
Because when you compare downwards, you will be healthier
Gratitude: too much research on gratitude
In fact, there are textbooks that are grateful
It’s as simple as recognizing the good things in your life
Studies show that if you put a note by the bed
Before going to bed at night
Write down a few things in your life that make you feel grateful
Your entire point of view will improve
You will be less depressed and less anxious
This power is amazing
Recognize hidden issues
nobody is perfect
I can tell you:
I have seen patients who are considered perfect people
There are a lot of P (patient, perfect, human, all starting with P)
nobody is perfect
Everyone has problems but they are presented in different ways
People hide their problems in different ways
But everyone has their own problems
A few years ago, I went to travel with a group of people
To do a large-scale women’s health seminar
Two to three thousand women participated in each seminar
These women have various body sizes, races, and identities
From big cities or small cities
One thing happened, one of the sponsors
Is doing beautification – really beautiful marketing activities
They want women to recognize their beauty but they don’t use traditional methods
Their approach is in the entire exhibition hall
They put a large mirror
Attach a marker to each mirror
There is a slogan on each mirror, which reads:
“Looking at the mirror in the mirror, write down what you see.”
At the end of each day, I will walk around
Look at what these mirrors have written
very impressive
Don’t forget that women who come to participate are not rich or beautiful
They are typical American women
Their body, size, race, etc. are different
I will walk around and see them write:
“I have beautiful eyes”
“My hair is great”
“I like my curve”
“My heart is very strong.”
“I am very resilient”
“I am a very good friend.”
“I am a wonderful mother.”
“I’m a great daughter.”
So, help me a favor, next time you look in the mirror
Think about what’s beautiful about yourself
Thank you
(applause)
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