[Music]
Wow hi all right how’s it going how are
you feeling at shouldn’t be up there
yeah okay
how we all doing awful all forward not
you what you did was absolutely fine I’m
talking about the the torturous
engagement tactic that I just used
I hate that when when the person I know
I just did it but when the person comes
out and they start doing the thing and
they asked a whole room a whole room
full of people at the same time how
they’re doing because the only thing you
can really say in response to that is
like oh whatever you just did and that
isn’t an appropriate answer to how are
you doing any other situation you know I
could be shopping in Woolworths in 1994
and I go up to I see a mate in there
looking at the fur bees and I’d be like
hey Gordon you know how’s it going if
Gordon just turns around and goes down
like that just howls at the strip
lighting at the top like some mad
citified 90’s wolf I’m gonna think what
freaked and just turn around leave my
basket of pogs there and just walk off
but yeah when I when people ask me how
I’m doing I say I’m fine generally I
think that’s that’s what everybody does
but for me that’s not real appropriate
answer either because for me it’s a way
of deflecting the question it’s like a
reflex and deflecting that question is
something I’ve got really good at
because a lot of the time I’m not fine
in fact but I live with depression and
deflecting people away from what’s
really going on with me is just it’s
just what I do when you get really
convincing it pretending that you’re
okay
people just assume you are much like a
lot of you thought there was nothing
wrong with me when I first came out here
none of my friends family anybody knew
anything was wrong with me until maybe a
year and a half ago when I decided to
tell them I’ve been secretly living with
dark thoughts and self-loathing for you
know most of my adult life and saying
I’m fine and not addressing it and not
letting anybody in is if it’s just a bad
move you know and the more the things
that have happened to me over the last
year that the more I’ve sort of realized
that that’s it’s like putting a plaster
over cancer you’re not dealing with
anything last April was the worst time
for me I was living with that feeling I
can’t even describe I still can I’m have
to now obviously but if I was to choose
one word it’d be something like
overwhelm I remember lying in bed one
morning and I was overwhelmed because I
was trying to remember what feeling
happy felt like and I couldn’t remember
and I thought there’s no point in living
if I can’t actually remember how to be
happy anymore I’d had suicidal thoughts
before as everyone who suffers from
depression it surely does but always
knew I’d never really go through with it
because of the the pain and you know
everything that would cause the people
that were close to me is you know what a
great deterrent that is I just didn’t
couldn’t do that but that morning when I
lay in bed depression had completely
taken over my thoughts it manipulated
and it had lied its way into making me
think that ending my own life wasn’t
just best for me but actually would be
best for everybody because that was that
is what depression does it overpowers
you it takes the wheel and it steers you
away from everyone and everything you
love and it takes you down a dark tunnel
and when you’re in that turn oh it hugs
you and it tells you that this is where
you’re supposed to belong I called my
mum that morning but it wasn’t because I
needed help I thought I was beyond help
I called her because I thought that day
I was going to take my own life and I
called her to hear her voice one last
time
not only does my mum love me I think she
she knows me better than anyone and also
she’s a mental health professional and I
think by the tone of my voice the kind
of things that I was saying she knew
something really serious was up and and
the love I heard in her voice she she
managed to bring me back for a second
and in that second she suggested that
together we get me some help and that’s
kind of all it took I went to my GP the
next day and I did something I thought
I’d never do I I told someone I didn’t
know what was going on inside my own
head and after a little conversation
about depression he asked me a question
I can’t believe I hadn’t asked myself he
said do you actually want to die or do
you just not want to feel like this
anymore
I thought what an important distinction
to make because when you’re when you’re
in that fog you cannot you can’t ask
yourself questions like that my
depression doesn’t hit me like a
sledgehammer out of nowhere I needed
this it leave like with sudden relief
like waking up from a nightmare it
creeps in and then it creeps away again
it’s like taking a painkiller for a
headache you don’t know the instant your
headache is gone
you just realize it’s been gone a while
I realized I was feeling better when I
was out walking the dog one day and I
realized I’ve walked the thing 12 miles
and everything just everything I just
and I was perfectly happy doing that and
it just felt good you know and this
sounds weird but everything looks normal
again all the colors looked how they
should because depression kind of lowers
the saturation on everything for me and
everything just looked good it just felt
good there’s like the part of my brain
that conked out six months before had
just spluttered back into life and all
these my excitement and motivation and
appreciation of beauty or this sort of
thing had suddenly start to come back
online and I was beginning to remember a
feeling happy felt like I put it all
down to the walk-in I put it well not
all of it but I put it down to being
outside and making that first step into
talking home and I had an idea I went
into town straightaway and I bought a
map of Great Britain and I sat
frantically circling all the all the
parts of the country that I thought
would inspire me to stay outside the
hole you know then just to kind of keep
this good feeling going and and I
thought in turn if I document that then
I might inspire other people who’ve been
through what I’ve been through to to get
outside as well
once I’d circled all the bits of Great
Britain that I wanted to see I put a big
line through them all when this route
appeared in front of me I’m like yes I’m
doing that I need to do that that was
the easy bit obviously the hard bit
wasn’t getting myself match fit which
was really hard you should have seen me
it wasn’t researching and sourcing the
kit I needed it wasn’t plotting my route
to the end it was was telling people
what I was good not so much what I was
gonna do but why I was gonna do it
because it meant coming clean finally
all these feelings I’ve been so ashamed
of for so long all this stuff that I
fought compromised Who I am as a person
I had to tell them all it was the worst
thing I ever had to do and the best
thing I ever did the response absolutely
floored me and I couldn’t believe the
amount of people that were going through
the same kind of thing I was going
through and all of a sudden I realized
that this was important this is
something I really really have to do the
name I gave my 3,000 mile hike around
Great Britain was black dog walks six
weeks later I stood at Brighton Pier and
just started heading west all I had on
me ironically were the things that I
needed to survive in a week I’d reached
Bournemouth in a month and a half I’d
reached Lands End and at this point it
was all about promoting exercise of
being outdoors as a way of managing
mental health and raising money for the
Mental Health Foundation but by the time
I got up to Wales I’ve been gone for so
long the thing had turned from a
challenge into a lifestyle where I found
a way to live in the moment serendipity
serendipitous encounters with strangers
of being immersed in nature all the time
and having the feeling like you’re
living completely in the moment is like
gold dust to a depressive
by the time I’d made it into North Wales
climb Mount Snowdon and come back I was
getting messages from people all over
the country and I couldn’t believe how
open people were being about their own
experiences and how much this was
connecting with people and I know it was
something really really interesting a
lot of people who got in touch with me
hadn’t actually told anyone else I was
the first person they were telling and I
was like no one no one else could
understand and I remember having that
feeling as well because everything in my
life led me to my depression that awful
feeling you know the situation’s have
been in the people in my life the
decisions I’ve made everything had just
reached that one moment I thought how
the hell is anyone gonna understand that
and ever and that was the thread that
was running through all these
conversations I was having with people
they were like no one’s gonna understand
me cause I’ve been through this this
this this and this and I realize it’s
not that’s not what we should be talking
about it’s the feeling itself because
depression is it huge like it’s the
biggest most inclusive club in the world
like anyone can join it’s evolving all
the time but the its biggest trick is
convincing everyone who’s part of that
club that they’re the only member isn’t
that clever
and everyone thinks that their stuff is
the worst and no one’s ever had as bad
as me and all the guilt that goes with
that and everything but that’s because
we’re talking about the wrong things we
start talking about the feeling itself
then people can get on board without
people know what that’s like and that’s
when things turn into a community last
November I experienced the true nature
of community when I did this got
involved in a BBC documentary where I
and nine other people with mental health
problems decided to tell our stories to
the nation and run the London Marathon
together initially I thought it was just
gonna be a you know something about
mental health and endorphins and all the
things I’ve been trying to sum up with
in the walk but as it went on I realized
that running was the backdrop and it was
more of the community and the
achievement and all these things that
running led to that were having a real
positive impact on my mental health
movement is
the words my coach Chevy is that guy
used it instead of exercise I think I
still don’t quite know his you know how
his brain works and that’s why I love it
but he but movement sort of isn’t just
about exercise it’s about moving forward
it’s about progression it’s about
working on yourself physically and
mentally and being there for other
people but being in the documentary I
mean I was communicating by you know
doing the walk before through video
blogging but I had the kind of safety
net thereof of talking about it for you
know talking into my phone on my own and
having the luxury of being able to trim
out some of the waffle that is some of
the stuff that I thought wasn’t
necessary later on before I posted it as
a video blog what my neighbor meritum
told me to do or force me to do even was
to put an unedited version of myself out
there and that’s when I realized what a
great leveller talking about your mental
health openly is nobody’s above anyone
else in that conversation I think a lot
of how we present ourselves is is run by
ego in the status and I think a lot of
that it governs how you know the things
that we do and what we say a discussion
about mental health seems to suspend all
that and it levels the playing field and
that’s great because it’s a reminder
that really we’re all on the same team
we all have mental health and the more
we learn about each other’s the more we
learn about our own whether it was
talking to one of the guys my coach you
know Nick Knowles Prince Harry you know
I don’t if I’ve got a picture of Prince
Harry actually oh yeah I totally do
so when we announced it we were having
our first child that’s libelous that
didn’t happen
I didn’t impregnate Prince Harry on the
set of my Nova marathon it’s important
that you know that but I love this
picture because we do look like mates
and if we look relaxed and that’s
because I’ve had I’ve been lucky enough
to have that we’ll fight we bobbin in
the background there we’d had this
conversation this 15-minute 20 minute
long conversation and I was asking him
how he was doing he was asking me how I
was doing it was real weed levelled it
all out like and I didn’t feel beneath
him Prince Harry
fell on top of him right that stops now
that stops now and breaking down the
invisible barriers that society creates
for us barriers which make us question
our place in the world it’s just good
for everybody talking about mental
health is what’s best for society
because deep down everyone craves human
connection the walk still going on I’m I
came down from Inverness I’ve walked
over 2,000 miles and after this I’ll be
heading back up there to to finish it up
back to John O’Groats and then head back
to Brighton and hopefully finished
sometime this winter so I’m not gonna
finish on that because it’s not done yet
I want to I want to finish on something
that I have achieved and something I’m
proud of because I want to show that in
the face of depression people can
achieve big things and that’s a powerful
thing this is something I wrote the day
after I ran the London Marathon and a
year after I lay in bed that day about
to kill myself as I approached the
marker at Mar 26 my body begins to feel
heavy it feels like with every step that
I take another layer of clothing goes on
by the time me and poppy marched past
the houses of parliament I feel like I’m
wearing a suit of armor and then we run
the last point two miles is harder than
the 26 before it it’s almost impossible
eight hundred meters to go six hundred
meters to go four hundred I feel like
I’m running through water 200 the crowds
cheer snaps me back into reality and I
realized what
happening where I am and what I’m about
to do I reach out and I grab Papa’s hand
and do my best to hold it up what I’m so
weak I could barely lift my own arm i
feet pound the road in unison both knees
strapped up as we finally crossed the
line in 5 hours and 52 minutes and as my
pace drops and I begin to walk I feel
strangely calm I glide over to the
people that have been there with me over
the last six months as I watch them cry
and hug and congratulate I take a step
back and I make a promise to myself that
whenever I feel worthless whenever I
feel worthless whenever I feel alone and
ashamed of the feelings I’m feeling I’ll
play this moment over and over again in
my head until it goes away because the
feeling I have right now
I don’t want to die I want to live
forever thank you
[Applause]
Wow hi all right how’s it going how are
you feeling at shouldn’t be up there
yeah okay
how we all doing awful all forward not
you what you did was absolutely fine I’m
talking about the the torturous
engagement tactic that I just used
I hate that when when the person I know
I just did it but when the person comes
out and they start doing the thing and
they asked a whole room a whole room
full of people at the same time how
they’re doing because the only thing you
can really say in response to that is
like oh whatever you just did and that
isn’t an appropriate answer to how are
you doing any other situation you know I
could be shopping in Woolworths in 1994
and I go up to I see a mate in there
looking at the fur bees and I’d be like
hey Gordon you know how’s it going if
Gordon just turns around and goes down
like that just howls at the strip
lighting at the top like some mad
citified 90’s wolf I’m gonna think what
freaked and just turn around leave my
basket of pogs there and just walk off
but yeah when I when people ask me how
I’m doing I say I’m fine generally I
think that’s that’s what everybody does
but for me that’s not real appropriate
answer either because for me it’s a way
of deflecting the question it’s like a
reflex and deflecting that question is
something I’ve got really good at
because a lot of the time I’m not fine
in fact but I live with depression and
deflecting people away from what’s
really going on with me is just it’s
just what I do when you get really
convincing it pretending that you’re
okay
people just assume you are much like a
lot of you thought there was nothing
wrong with me when I first came out here
none of my friends family anybody knew
anything was wrong with me until maybe a
year and a half ago when I decided to
tell them I’ve been secretly living with
dark thoughts and self-loathing for you
know most of my adult life and saying
I’m fine and not addressing it and not
letting anybody in is if it’s just a bad
move you know and the more the things
that have happened to me over the last
year that the more I’ve sort of realized
that that’s it’s like putting a plaster
over cancer you’re not dealing with
anything last April was the worst time
for me I was living with that feeling I
can’t even describe I still can I’m have
to now obviously but if I was to choose
one word it’d be something like
overwhelm I remember lying in bed one
morning and I was overwhelmed because I
was trying to remember what feeling
happy felt like and I couldn’t remember
and I thought there’s no point in living
if I can’t actually remember how to be
happy anymore I’d had suicidal thoughts
before as everyone who suffers from
depression it surely does but always
knew I’d never really go through with it
because of the the pain and you know
everything that would cause the people
that were close to me is you know what a
great deterrent that is I just didn’t
couldn’t do that but that morning when I
lay in bed depression had completely
taken over my thoughts it manipulated
and it had lied its way into making me
think that ending my own life wasn’t
just best for me but actually would be
best for everybody because that was that
is what depression does it overpowers
you it takes the wheel and it steers you
away from everyone and everything you
love and it takes you down a dark tunnel
and when you’re in that turn oh it hugs
you and it tells you that this is where
you’re supposed to belong I called my
mum that morning but it wasn’t because I
needed help I thought I was beyond help
I called her because I thought that day
I was going to take my own life and I
called her to hear her voice one last
time
not only does my mum love me I think she
she knows me better than anyone and also
she’s a mental health professional and I
think by the tone of my voice the kind
of things that I was saying she knew
something really serious was up and and
the love I heard in her voice she she
managed to bring me back for a second
and in that second she suggested that
together we get me some help and that’s
kind of all it took I went to my GP the
next day and I did something I thought
I’d never do I I told someone I didn’t
know what was going on inside my own
head and after a little conversation
about depression he asked me a question
I can’t believe I hadn’t asked myself he
said do you actually want to die or do
you just not want to feel like this
anymore
I thought what an important distinction
to make because when you’re when you’re
in that fog you cannot you can’t ask
yourself questions like that my
depression doesn’t hit me like a
sledgehammer out of nowhere I needed
this it leave like with sudden relief
like waking up from a nightmare it
creeps in and then it creeps away again
it’s like taking a painkiller for a
headache you don’t know the instant your
headache is gone
you just realize it’s been gone a while
I realized I was feeling better when I
was out walking the dog one day and I
realized I’ve walked the thing 12 miles
and everything just everything I just
and I was perfectly happy doing that and
it just felt good you know and this
sounds weird but everything looks normal
again all the colors looked how they
should because depression kind of lowers
the saturation on everything for me and
everything just looked good it just felt
good there’s like the part of my brain
that conked out six months before had
just spluttered back into life and all
these my excitement and motivation and
appreciation of beauty or this sort of
thing had suddenly start to come back
online and I was beginning to remember a
feeling happy felt like I put it all
down to the walk-in I put it well not
all of it but I put it down to being
outside and making that first step into
talking home and I had an idea I went
into town straightaway and I bought a
map of Great Britain and I sat
frantically circling all the all the
parts of the country that I thought
would inspire me to stay outside the
hole you know then just to kind of keep
this good feeling going and and I
thought in turn if I document that then
I might inspire other people who’ve been
through what I’ve been through to to get
outside as well
once I’d circled all the bits of Great
Britain that I wanted to see I put a big
line through them all when this route
appeared in front of me I’m like yes I’m
doing that I need to do that that was
the easy bit obviously the hard bit
wasn’t getting myself match fit which
was really hard you should have seen me
it wasn’t researching and sourcing the
kit I needed it wasn’t plotting my route
to the end it was was telling people
what I was good not so much what I was
gonna do but why I was gonna do it
because it meant coming clean finally
all these feelings I’ve been so ashamed
of for so long all this stuff that I
fought compromised Who I am as a person
I had to tell them all it was the worst
thing I ever had to do and the best
thing I ever did the response absolutely
floored me and I couldn’t believe the
amount of people that were going through
the same kind of thing I was going
through and all of a sudden I realized
that this was important this is
something I really really have to do the
name I gave my 3,000 mile hike around
Great Britain was black dog walks six
weeks later I stood at Brighton Pier and
just started heading west all I had on
me ironically were the things that I
needed to survive in a week I’d reached
Bournemouth in a month and a half I’d
reached Lands End and at this point it
was all about promoting exercise of
being outdoors as a way of managing
mental health and raising money for the
Mental Health Foundation but by the time
I got up to Wales I’ve been gone for so
long the thing had turned from a
challenge into a lifestyle where I found
a way to live in the moment serendipity
serendipitous encounters with strangers
of being immersed in nature all the time
and having the feeling like you’re
living completely in the moment is like
gold dust to a depressive
by the time I’d made it into North Wales
climb Mount Snowdon and come back I was
getting messages from people all over
the country and I couldn’t believe how
open people were being about their own
experiences and how much this was
connecting with people and I know it was
something really really interesting a
lot of people who got in touch with me
hadn’t actually told anyone else I was
the first person they were telling and I
was like no one no one else could
understand and I remember having that
feeling as well because everything in my
life led me to my depression that awful
feeling you know the situation’s have
been in the people in my life the
decisions I’ve made everything had just
reached that one moment I thought how
the hell is anyone gonna understand that
and ever and that was the thread that
was running through all these
conversations I was having with people
they were like no one’s gonna understand
me cause I’ve been through this this
this this and this and I realize it’s
not that’s not what we should be talking
about it’s the feeling itself because
depression is it huge like it’s the
biggest most inclusive club in the world
like anyone can join it’s evolving all
the time but the its biggest trick is
convincing everyone who’s part of that
club that they’re the only member isn’t
that clever
and everyone thinks that their stuff is
the worst and no one’s ever had as bad
as me and all the guilt that goes with
that and everything but that’s because
we’re talking about the wrong things we
start talking about the feeling itself
then people can get on board without
people know what that’s like and that’s
when things turn into a community last
November I experienced the true nature
of community when I did this got
involved in a BBC documentary where I
and nine other people with mental health
problems decided to tell our stories to
the nation and run the London Marathon
together initially I thought it was just
gonna be a you know something about
mental health and endorphins and all the
things I’ve been trying to sum up with
in the walk but as it went on I realized
that running was the backdrop and it was
more of the community and the
achievement and all these things that
running led to that were having a real
positive impact on my mental health
movement is
the words my coach Chevy is that guy
used it instead of exercise I think I
still don’t quite know his you know how
his brain works and that’s why I love it
but he but movement sort of isn’t just
about exercise it’s about moving forward
it’s about progression it’s about
working on yourself physically and
mentally and being there for other
people but being in the documentary I
mean I was communicating by you know
doing the walk before through video
blogging but I had the kind of safety
net thereof of talking about it for you
know talking into my phone on my own and
having the luxury of being able to trim
out some of the waffle that is some of
the stuff that I thought wasn’t
necessary later on before I posted it as
a video blog what my neighbor meritum
told me to do or force me to do even was
to put an unedited version of myself out
there and that’s when I realized what a
great leveller talking about your mental
health openly is nobody’s above anyone
else in that conversation I think a lot
of how we present ourselves is is run by
ego in the status and I think a lot of
that it governs how you know the things
that we do and what we say a discussion
about mental health seems to suspend all
that and it levels the playing field and
that’s great because it’s a reminder
that really we’re all on the same team
we all have mental health and the more
we learn about each other’s the more we
learn about our own whether it was
talking to one of the guys my coach you
know Nick Knowles Prince Harry you know
I don’t if I’ve got a picture of Prince
Harry actually oh yeah I totally do
so when we announced it we were having
our first child that’s libelous that
didn’t happen
I didn’t impregnate Prince Harry on the
set of my Nova marathon it’s important
that you know that but I love this
picture because we do look like mates
and if we look relaxed and that’s
because I’ve had I’ve been lucky enough
to have that we’ll fight we bobbin in
the background there we’d had this
conversation this 15-minute 20 minute
long conversation and I was asking him
how he was doing he was asking me how I
was doing it was real weed levelled it
all out like and I didn’t feel beneath
him Prince Harry
fell on top of him right that stops now
that stops now and breaking down the
invisible barriers that society creates
for us barriers which make us question
our place in the world it’s just good
for everybody talking about mental
health is what’s best for society
because deep down everyone craves human
connection the walk still going on I’m I
came down from Inverness I’ve walked
over 2,000 miles and after this I’ll be
heading back up there to to finish it up
back to John O’Groats and then head back
to Brighton and hopefully finished
sometime this winter so I’m not gonna
finish on that because it’s not done yet
I want to I want to finish on something
that I have achieved and something I’m
proud of because I want to show that in
the face of depression people can
achieve big things and that’s a powerful
thing this is something I wrote the day
after I ran the London Marathon and a
year after I lay in bed that day about
to kill myself as I approached the
marker at Mar 26 my body begins to feel
heavy it feels like with every step that
I take another layer of clothing goes on
by the time me and poppy marched past
the houses of parliament I feel like I’m
wearing a suit of armor and then we run
the last point two miles is harder than
the 26 before it it’s almost impossible
eight hundred meters to go six hundred
meters to go four hundred I feel like
I’m running through water 200 the crowds
cheer snaps me back into reality and I
realized what
happening where I am and what I’m about
to do I reach out and I grab Papa’s hand
and do my best to hold it up what I’m so
weak I could barely lift my own arm i
feet pound the road in unison both knees
strapped up as we finally crossed the
line in 5 hours and 52 minutes and as my
pace drops and I begin to walk I feel
strangely calm I glide over to the
people that have been there with me over
the last six months as I watch them cry
and hug and congratulate I take a step
back and I make a promise to myself that
whenever I feel worthless whenever I
feel worthless whenever I feel alone and
ashamed of the feelings I’m feeling I’ll
play this moment over and over again in
my head until it goes away because the
feeling I have right now
I don’t want to die I want to live
forever thank you
[Applause]
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