[Music]
when I was 28 years old I felt called to
Los Angeles to be near my father who had
been living there the majority of my
life I asked him to come to Atlanta so
we could take a road trip we packed up
my 2003 Honda Civic including my
favorite stuffed animal
honey bear and started driving Pop’s had
first stop the Civil Rights memorial in
Montgomery Alabama from Montgomery we
went to the George Washington Carver
Museum at Tuskegee University there we
rediscovered Pops’s love for the
starting with eating them all the time
next stop Pensacola Florida because
wherever we are there must be water and
the Gulf of Mexico was calling our name
we drove and laughed and cried we
exchanged our biggest ideas for the
future all witnessed by little brother
honey bear in the back seat somewhere
driving the never-ending road through
Texas and while jamming to the dance
floor mix of less groove tonight I must
have entered a trance and like a
Southeast DC Oracle I told my daughter
you’ve reclaimed your life I don’t again
now live your life it’s your time to
Victor eyes the situation at first
though she said pops you do know Victor
yeah but then the poetry sunk in and we
both realized it means squeezing victory
out of a negative situation creating
your own path living your life in power
on your own terms
victories yeah that was just like my
pops to help me reframe a terrible
experience I had when I was 14 years old
my stepfather violated my innocence with
sexual touching and at 16 years old he
raped me and clouded the violation under
some sick predatory guise of preparation
for my teenage sexual years he continued
the sexual thievery until I turned 22
but I’m happy to say that my real father
this dude right here became an integral
part of my healing instead of shutting
down and turning away from each other we
chose to turn towards each other we
chose to be well we started what I now
call my journey of Reclamation I started
by telling my family about my stepfather
understandably they were upset yet I
immediately directed them not to
retaliate oh yeah and you best believe I
I’m glad with your laughs now that’s for
sure
I plan to retaliate but I didn’t by the
time I got the news I was instantly
prepared to find the shortest route to
revenge I am no gangster but I would
have found a way to kill this man
thankfully my daughter point-blank asked
the opening words from a favorite novel
of mine the salt eaters by Toni Cade
Bambara welled up within me and demanded
an answer
are you sure sweetheart that you want to
be well how could I be well and still be
a man if I didn’t go to war with a fowl
individual who had hurt my daughter
Adenike eggs underneath inkay’s
insistence that I that I walk with her
that I follow her lead was my key to
answering that question
I recognize that despite my own innate
desire to be protected and safe I didn’t
want either one of my parents to go to
jail I knew there would be no personal
satisfaction or gratification if they
were incarcerated for punishing my
criminal stepfather I’m so thankful they
listened to me I didn’t have a plan of
action for my stepfather but I had a
plan for my family I’m so grateful my
father turned towards me and respected
my request to stand down and to this day
he has allowed me to continue to lead
the charge to our healing he showed more
strength and restraint compared to his
natural instinct to destroy my
stepfather listen like so many men I had
absorbed the lessons that I must protect
my honor at all costs from other men
from from the movies from locker rooms
from the very culture of American
manhood I was taught that her sexual
assault is all about me that her sexual
purity is directly connected to what it
means for me to be a man a good father a
protector
but but I actually listened to my
daughter it was clear I knew revenge
with just worsen the situation so I took
deep breaths and I took direction from
her starting by devoting myself to
working without any K along with her
mother and the legal system to convict
unfortunately my experience is not
unusual
according to rain the rape abuse incest
national network one in nine girls under
the age of 18 will experience sexual
assault or abuse at the hands of an
adult of the cases that get reported to
the police
93% of adolescents know their
perpetrator and 34% of perpetrators are
family members these numbers don’t even
include the victims whose cases are past
the statute of limitations overall only
310 out of every 1000 sexual assault is
reported to the police I understand why
so many victims don’t come forward
filing a police report requires giving a
statement in as much detail as possible
I had to remember and describe every
time my stepfather violated me the
probing questions the memories that
resurfaced and the reach Ramat ization
are enough to keep any victim from
coming forward and I actually had a
compassionate police officer
interviewing me and the effects of child
sexual abuse and assault can be long
lasting victims of child sexual abuse
and assault are four times more likely
to experience PTSD as an adult three
times more likely to experience a major
depressive episode as an adult and often
face increased struggles with
self-esteem and personal flashbacks I
relate to those statistics firsthand
I’ve often struggled with depression and
feelings of unworthiness and dating was
so difficult I would often run into men
who would ask me when will you be able
to get over your abuse when will you be
able to just forget about it let it go
some men wouldn’t even continue talking
to me after I explained my past to them
but what they fail to understand is
healing
cannot be rushed everyone heals
differently
besides my personal experience with
abuse
I’ve actually got 20 years as a
professional educator scholar and
personal coach and I can tell you the
one common thread to healing is you must
acknowledge the pain when you ignore
pain it will come back and show its ugly
face and drag you back down to the
original symptoms of the trauma often
times this happens with our warning and
at the most inopportune moments you must
move through your trauma but first you
must make a conscious decision to be
yeah now with each step that we took on
our healing journey oh I had her back no
doubt about it and at the same time I
also searched for ways to take charge of
my own healing and there’s no question I
needed healing too I drove deeply into
my lifelong love and engagement with
literature creativity art and music I
wrote poems I embrace the freedom of
jazz I dance to my old temptations and
earth went in fire records yeah I
attended art galleries as well as
dancing and music concerts
I even channeled my imagination into the
creation of an entire project about
happiness and joy I asked myself what is
what makes this black man happy how can
you ever be happy after your or your own
beloved daughter was raped by another
black man a man who had shaken my hand a
man who promised to be my cold parent a
man who told me to my face he was not my
rival I was so lucky I could turn to a
whole nother group of black men as a
healing critical healing step my amazing
friends I’ve known many of these dudes
since my 20s and they often stayed up
with me late into the night they
listened as I poured out my agony they
helped me maintain my sanity
as I just straight admitted my sense of
failure they loved me up as I expressed
doubts about my manhood but they all
said to a man that the only heroes walk
was to walk without any game for as long
as it took as one of the first steps of
my healing journey in order to deepen
our relationship
I wrote my father a long letter I wanted
to hear family stories that had never
been told I asked him anything and
everything I could think of when I got
that letter I decided to just sit down
and record my answers in one session on
to 90-minute cassette tapes
after all my years as a professional
writer I wanted her to truly hear my
voice I answered her questions with
complete emotional transparency
I was never defensive about my past
decisions my past mistakes I promised
Adenike that I had the courage to be her
father to be her daddy to be her pops
when I received his cassette tapes I sat
in my room with my headphones on
listening closely to his answers hearing
his voice became the first brick to the
foundation of the relationship that we
have now his voice gave me the courage
to begin the toughest part of my healing
counseling and with my therapist helped
I continued to build the relationship
with my father that I truly needed and
desired I invited him to hear the truth
about what happened to me I asked for
his ears his heart and his love and my
pops accepted without a therapist as
witness I asked my baby girl exactly
it was the hardest question I’ve ever
asked but I needed to face the whole
truth about what she had endured the
honesty on those cassette tapes the
honesty in that counseling session
became the bedrock of my work with my
kid from then until now during this
unwanted crisis embracing a loving
conversation with my adult daughter
became the set the standard actually set
the standard for our future
communications we established the trust
we needed to continue to heal and stay
inspired we dug into our wounds and
searched for our healing what do you
need to begin to build your healing
foundation therapy non-abusive allies
whatever you choose it will require that
you dig in it hurts it’s tough and it is
a consistent lifestyle change but it is
so worth it my pops and I found our own
rhythm to healing our own beat and
cadence turning towards one another and
you’ve got to be willing to go through
the fire to the limit and to the wall
I knew I had to earn any loving lessons
I could gain from this ugly ugly
experience so I I just literally imagine
myself courageously collaborating
without anything I trusted my vision
that I could like fully participate with
her to break any circuits of silence
between us within our family within
myself I opened myself to discussing any
and all difficult subjects no matter how
uncomfortable such discussions made me
for me it was a no-brainer
choosing my pops as my non-abusive loved
one as my ride and live partner when you
make the decision to heal to change and
to confront your trauma choose your
and remember they do not need to be
biological family your ally can be a
friend or a co-worker choose someone who
can help you imagine a healthy future
someone who can help you chart a road
map to that inspiring future choose
someone who doesn’t automatically give
you answers or solutions someone who
asks what you need but won’t let you
wallow in your pain anger and
frustration I’m glad that underneath a
and I learned from this unwanted trauma
that we are both fighters there it was
no way no way we were going to let her
criminal ex stepfather win period pure
and simple our bond grew from the
father-daughter to pops an RA by
choosing to be well we became friends we
felt this magnificent renewal stirring
within us we even learned to laugh we
discovered that we could be silly
together folks yes in public or on
social media and nobody would ever know
that the tragedy of sexual assault had
stalked our lives I knew when we took
that road trip that I was at a point in
my life where I needed more from My
Father
I didn’t have the words to explain it
but I had an instinct that our road trip
would become a vital part of my healing
and it was I reclaimed my voice and I
reclaimed my father we’ve earned this
relationship our living legacy is
finding and using our own voices and for
me it definitely means lifting our
voices and singing together
it also means saying in my most personal
voice yes we are I do want to be well
you are not defined by the worst that
you’ve experienced my father reset the
masculine standard of connection and
communication in my life our connection
has become the foundation of what I now
yearn for in a partner if I’m gonna look
at the rest of my life as a roadtrip I
and I will choose to be well no matter my destination thank you
when I was 28 years old I felt called to
Los Angeles to be near my father who had
been living there the majority of my
life I asked him to come to Atlanta so
we could take a road trip we packed up
my 2003 Honda Civic including my
favorite stuffed animal
honey bear and started driving Pop’s had
first stop the Civil Rights memorial in
Montgomery Alabama from Montgomery we
went to the George Washington Carver
Museum at Tuskegee University there we
rediscovered Pops’s love for the
starting with eating them all the time
next stop Pensacola Florida because
wherever we are there must be water and
the Gulf of Mexico was calling our name
we drove and laughed and cried we
exchanged our biggest ideas for the
future all witnessed by little brother
honey bear in the back seat somewhere
driving the never-ending road through
Texas and while jamming to the dance
floor mix of less groove tonight I must
have entered a trance and like a
Southeast DC Oracle I told my daughter
you’ve reclaimed your life I don’t again
now live your life it’s your time to
Victor eyes the situation at first
though she said pops you do know Victor
yeah but then the poetry sunk in and we
both realized it means squeezing victory
out of a negative situation creating
your own path living your life in power
on your own terms
victories yeah that was just like my
pops to help me reframe a terrible
experience I had when I was 14 years old
my stepfather violated my innocence with
sexual touching and at 16 years old he
raped me and clouded the violation under
some sick predatory guise of preparation
for my teenage sexual years he continued
the sexual thievery until I turned 22
but I’m happy to say that my real father
this dude right here became an integral
part of my healing instead of shutting
down and turning away from each other we
chose to turn towards each other we
chose to be well we started what I now
call my journey of Reclamation I started
by telling my family about my stepfather
understandably they were upset yet I
immediately directed them not to
retaliate oh yeah and you best believe I
I’m glad with your laughs now that’s for
sure
I plan to retaliate but I didn’t by the
time I got the news I was instantly
prepared to find the shortest route to
revenge I am no gangster but I would
have found a way to kill this man
thankfully my daughter point-blank asked
the opening words from a favorite novel
of mine the salt eaters by Toni Cade
Bambara welled up within me and demanded
an answer
are you sure sweetheart that you want to
be well how could I be well and still be
a man if I didn’t go to war with a fowl
individual who had hurt my daughter
Adenike eggs underneath inkay’s
insistence that I that I walk with her
that I follow her lead was my key to
answering that question
I recognize that despite my own innate
desire to be protected and safe I didn’t
want either one of my parents to go to
jail I knew there would be no personal
satisfaction or gratification if they
were incarcerated for punishing my
criminal stepfather I’m so thankful they
listened to me I didn’t have a plan of
action for my stepfather but I had a
plan for my family I’m so grateful my
father turned towards me and respected
my request to stand down and to this day
he has allowed me to continue to lead
the charge to our healing he showed more
strength and restraint compared to his
natural instinct to destroy my
stepfather listen like so many men I had
absorbed the lessons that I must protect
my honor at all costs from other men
from from the movies from locker rooms
from the very culture of American
manhood I was taught that her sexual
assault is all about me that her sexual
purity is directly connected to what it
means for me to be a man a good father a
protector
but but I actually listened to my
daughter it was clear I knew revenge
with just worsen the situation so I took
deep breaths and I took direction from
her starting by devoting myself to
working without any K along with her
mother and the legal system to convict
unfortunately my experience is not
unusual
according to rain the rape abuse incest
national network one in nine girls under
the age of 18 will experience sexual
assault or abuse at the hands of an
adult of the cases that get reported to
the police
93% of adolescents know their
perpetrator and 34% of perpetrators are
family members these numbers don’t even
include the victims whose cases are past
the statute of limitations overall only
310 out of every 1000 sexual assault is
reported to the police I understand why
so many victims don’t come forward
filing a police report requires giving a
statement in as much detail as possible
I had to remember and describe every
time my stepfather violated me the
probing questions the memories that
resurfaced and the reach Ramat ization
are enough to keep any victim from
coming forward and I actually had a
compassionate police officer
interviewing me and the effects of child
sexual abuse and assault can be long
lasting victims of child sexual abuse
and assault are four times more likely
to experience PTSD as an adult three
times more likely to experience a major
depressive episode as an adult and often
face increased struggles with
self-esteem and personal flashbacks I
relate to those statistics firsthand
I’ve often struggled with depression and
feelings of unworthiness and dating was
so difficult I would often run into men
who would ask me when will you be able
to get over your abuse when will you be
able to just forget about it let it go
some men wouldn’t even continue talking
to me after I explained my past to them
but what they fail to understand is
healing
cannot be rushed everyone heals
differently
besides my personal experience with
abuse
I’ve actually got 20 years as a
professional educator scholar and
personal coach and I can tell you the
one common thread to healing is you must
acknowledge the pain when you ignore
pain it will come back and show its ugly
face and drag you back down to the
original symptoms of the trauma often
times this happens with our warning and
at the most inopportune moments you must
move through your trauma but first you
must make a conscious decision to be
yeah now with each step that we took on
our healing journey oh I had her back no
doubt about it and at the same time I
also searched for ways to take charge of
my own healing and there’s no question I
needed healing too I drove deeply into
my lifelong love and engagement with
literature creativity art and music I
wrote poems I embrace the freedom of
jazz I dance to my old temptations and
earth went in fire records yeah I
attended art galleries as well as
dancing and music concerts
I even channeled my imagination into the
creation of an entire project about
happiness and joy I asked myself what is
what makes this black man happy how can
you ever be happy after your or your own
beloved daughter was raped by another
black man a man who had shaken my hand a
man who promised to be my cold parent a
man who told me to my face he was not my
rival I was so lucky I could turn to a
whole nother group of black men as a
healing critical healing step my amazing
friends I’ve known many of these dudes
since my 20s and they often stayed up
with me late into the night they
listened as I poured out my agony they
helped me maintain my sanity
as I just straight admitted my sense of
failure they loved me up as I expressed
doubts about my manhood but they all
said to a man that the only heroes walk
was to walk without any game for as long
as it took as one of the first steps of
my healing journey in order to deepen
our relationship
I wrote my father a long letter I wanted
to hear family stories that had never
been told I asked him anything and
everything I could think of when I got
that letter I decided to just sit down
and record my answers in one session on
to 90-minute cassette tapes
after all my years as a professional
writer I wanted her to truly hear my
voice I answered her questions with
complete emotional transparency
I was never defensive about my past
decisions my past mistakes I promised
Adenike that I had the courage to be her
father to be her daddy to be her pops
when I received his cassette tapes I sat
in my room with my headphones on
listening closely to his answers hearing
his voice became the first brick to the
foundation of the relationship that we
have now his voice gave me the courage
to begin the toughest part of my healing
counseling and with my therapist helped
I continued to build the relationship
with my father that I truly needed and
desired I invited him to hear the truth
about what happened to me I asked for
his ears his heart and his love and my
pops accepted without a therapist as
witness I asked my baby girl exactly
it was the hardest question I’ve ever
asked but I needed to face the whole
truth about what she had endured the
honesty on those cassette tapes the
honesty in that counseling session
became the bedrock of my work with my
kid from then until now during this
unwanted crisis embracing a loving
conversation with my adult daughter
became the set the standard actually set
the standard for our future
communications we established the trust
we needed to continue to heal and stay
inspired we dug into our wounds and
searched for our healing what do you
need to begin to build your healing
foundation therapy non-abusive allies
whatever you choose it will require that
you dig in it hurts it’s tough and it is
a consistent lifestyle change but it is
so worth it my pops and I found our own
rhythm to healing our own beat and
cadence turning towards one another and
you’ve got to be willing to go through
the fire to the limit and to the wall
I knew I had to earn any loving lessons
I could gain from this ugly ugly
experience so I I just literally imagine
myself courageously collaborating
without anything I trusted my vision
that I could like fully participate with
her to break any circuits of silence
between us within our family within
myself I opened myself to discussing any
and all difficult subjects no matter how
uncomfortable such discussions made me
for me it was a no-brainer
choosing my pops as my non-abusive loved
one as my ride and live partner when you
make the decision to heal to change and
to confront your trauma choose your
and remember they do not need to be
biological family your ally can be a
friend or a co-worker choose someone who
can help you imagine a healthy future
someone who can help you chart a road
map to that inspiring future choose
someone who doesn’t automatically give
you answers or solutions someone who
asks what you need but won’t let you
wallow in your pain anger and
frustration I’m glad that underneath a
and I learned from this unwanted trauma
that we are both fighters there it was
no way no way we were going to let her
criminal ex stepfather win period pure
and simple our bond grew from the
father-daughter to pops an RA by
choosing to be well we became friends we
felt this magnificent renewal stirring
within us we even learned to laugh we
discovered that we could be silly
together folks yes in public or on
social media and nobody would ever know
that the tragedy of sexual assault had
stalked our lives I knew when we took
that road trip that I was at a point in
my life where I needed more from My
Father
I didn’t have the words to explain it
but I had an instinct that our road trip
would become a vital part of my healing
and it was I reclaimed my voice and I
reclaimed my father we’ve earned this
relationship our living legacy is
finding and using our own voices and for
me it definitely means lifting our
voices and singing together
it also means saying in my most personal
voice yes we are I do want to be well
you are not defined by the worst that
you’ve experienced my father reset the
masculine standard of connection and
communication in my life our connection
has become the foundation of what I now
yearn for in a partner if I’m gonna look
at the rest of my life as a roadtrip I
and I will choose to be well no matter my destination thank you
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