I realized as I was writing this talk
that I wanted to impress you to impress
you with my youthfulness and my
insightfulness and my eloquence how do I
do that I don’t know but at first I try
to run in every different direction at
once I tried to appeal to every
different kind of person that I could
think of I started to feel anxious and
then I started to feel embarrassed about
my anxiousness because I’ve given so
many talks I should be completely
comfortable by now
I knew that I was trying to do too much
in too little time and then I felt
guilty because I knew it and I was still
trying to do it even when I started this
version I hesitated I thought what if I
can’t finish it what if it doesn’t go as
well as I imagined it what if I try my
best and I still make all the wrong
choices and then I realized oh it’s time
to practice what I preach to actually do
what I know in theory because this talk
is about being uncomfortable about
uncomfortable moments about exploring
and learning from uncomfortable
situations for the last three years I’ve
been facilitating conversations and
organizing events around a variety of
crucial but often avoided topics like
sex failure emotion disagreement
feedback religion death and others today
I want to share more about why
uncomfortable is useful what I’ve
learned what I’m trying and some science
has given me insights along the way for
me in this talk my takeaway is this
sometimes I’ll feel uncomfortable and I
want to take those moments as
opportunities to be curious to look for
something to learn to try doing
something different and that takes
practice and that practice willful
awkward and uncomfortable too at first
and every time until sometimes it won’t
here’s how I remember that let’s all
cross our arms for a moment go ahead
cross your arms
mm-hmm okay good great I’m cross and now
cross them the other way with the other
arm on top it’s awkward for me the usual
way feels good the new way feels strange
falling back on my habits is easy and
changing them takes constant attention
and awkwardness so pause a note before I
continue today you hear some things that
are new and some things that you’ve
heard before some things that are
interesting and some things that seem
irrelevant so take what’s useful to you
and don’t worry about the rest it might
be something I say but more likely it’s
something you think or feel during this
time notice where you feel uncomfortable
and see where that discomfort is coming
from contrasts my experiences with your
own take what’s useful and try to put it
into practice he will say that what’s
scarier than death is public speaking
but I think private speaking is scary in
a similar way I want to think I want to
believe that I don’t care what the other
person thinks of me but when we’re face
to face that’s really not true in casual
conversations I’m concerned with looking
stupid – weird – awkward not nice not
knowledgeable sometimes I want to seem
successful or intriguing or impressive
in more intimate or important
conversations it seems like our
relationship or my sense of identity is
at stake my brain goes wild with fears
like will this change everything what if
I am wrong or abnormal what if I am not
good enough not smart enough
well I still be accepted or trusted or
loved for a while these conversations
seem so risky so potentially out of
control that I avoided them completely
how did I do that by pretending with
friends or at work I tried to be someone
who fit in who was doing fine who was
doing better than fine I’d rather be
polite than real I would always be happy
to help and I would never ask for help I
wanted to give off the vibe of I’ve got
it all under control
conversations seem like a strategy game
where I was trying to win by saying all
the right things but I didn’t know all
the rules I didn’t even know the goals
as I ran from vulnerability my
discomfort grew because everything seems
more and more risky and so I withdrew
avoiding conversation and when I had to
talk I stuck to small talk repeating my
questions and answers tolerating boring
conversation I didn’t try to make
interesting conversation but it did
expect others to do it between all that
anxiety and frustration I asked why do I
have conversations at all why am i
talking it must be more than trying to
shape others opinions of me on the
surface it might be a way of a
meaningful way of passing the time of
exploring interest and excitement and
then a way to learn and to reflect to
find like minds and new perspectives to
feel useful and appreciated and then
most deeply conversations are about
connection to feel heard and understood
to feel close to an understanding of
others to feel that we are not alone in
our strange chaotic and mysterious
experiences of life maybe conversations
weren’t strategy games like I had
thought but a way of traveling together
by pedal boat maybe we aren’t
competitors and opposite sides of the
table but side by side with our own set
of petals coordinating with each other
to go around the fountain or explore the
tiny tiny islands or go out of bounds
it’s much easier when we communicate
where we want to go and even easier if
we’re open to surprises and fine with
finding dead ends so I asked how do I
have more of these meaningful useful
conversations and of course it did the
first thing the first thing that was
comfortable organizing events so that
was the sort of up nights where our
speakers share candidly about business
failures and cut the small talk where
people discuss crucial but taboo topics
like sex self-worth money the imposter
syndrome family expectations and more we
pick topics that people traditionally
avoid
so soon I realized a big part of why we
avoid them is because we’ve always
avoided them talking about them is new
and like learning a new language it
feels awkward in the beginning to start
putting our silent thoughts into words I
try to acknowledge this awkward newness
at events and it helps people feel more
comfortable soon though I realized that
I had to do what I find most
uncomfortable trying out new habits in
my everyday social interactions and so I
procrastinated with science by reviewing
research in that area and through that
research I realized that I had really
only been focusing on one of the five
parts of emotional intelligence social
skills I only wanted to know how to
connect how to build rapport and manage
conflict but social skills is really the
other four put together it’s empathy our
desire to understand others and
intrinsic motivation our curiosity and
positivity self-regulation our ability
to respond rather than to react and the
foundation of it all self-awareness our
knowledge of our own thoughts feelings
goals and impact on others when I saw
conversations as a game I focus on the
strategies and the techniques rather
than trying to understand the other
person or even my own goals I held my
emotions close like secrets thinking
that expressing them made me weak and
knowing the thoughts and feelings of
other people gave me an advantage over
them and through that research I also
realized what butterflies in my stomach
actually is what feeling uncomfortable
actually is it turns out this uneasiness
in our stomach is our digestive system
not getting enough blood not getting
enough blood it’s part of the body’s
stress response fight-or-flight the body
that’s the same thing for social threats
so when I get really uncomfortable or
angry or sad I can stumble incoherently
and I can reply impulsively I’m
aggressive and defensive and sometimes I
literally walk away so how do we calm
that stress response well there’s a fast
way and a slow
and the slow ways through the brains
prefrontal cortex thinking through our
fears to realize they are not so
threatening and not so likely the slow
ways through the body breathing deeply
to let the nervous system know that it
is not in any danger even to calm the
hormonal responses this this active
noticing and exploring makes the body
more comfortable and this mindfulness
trains the brain bringing more awareness
and focus and gray matter so let’s
practice a practice in noticing a little
self-awareness exercise and after this
I’ll share some more practical things
there is no talking just noticing but if
you do feel too uncomfortable or strange
please let your partner know but first
let’s all stand up please stand up I
start to notice your feet on the ground
underneath inside your shoes and see
where you feel tight maybe roll your
shoulders a twist side to side with your
neck whatever feels good in this moment
and let’s do one stretch together taking
both hands separate making two fists
held tight and then bring them together
like a little fist bump keeping the
elbows up try to bring the tops of your
hands together feel the stretch and
breathe through that discomfort tops of
your hands
very nice letting go now without talking
without introducing yourself turn to
face a partner to is best the three is
fine look at your partner silently maybe
smile you can make eye contact the whole
time we’re just once in a while see
what’s good for you am I feeling
comfortable you might feel nothing stay
with it let’s take a breath inhale
exhale keep looking at your partner in
their general direction I notice the air
by your notes keep facing your partner
scan your body and see what you notice
where is your attention keep looking in
the general direction now silently try
describing what you feel warm Mt small
buzzing sharp in your mind keep noticing
maybe keep looking alright
inhale exhale thank you very much please
take a seat and think about what you
noticed you might have noticed many
things but here are a few possibilities
maybe that eye contact is really
meaningful
maybe that noticing is difficult
maybe that body awareness feels good or
that awkwardness and discomfort are kind
of funny and like an inside joke as I
practice noticing I became more able to
do slow stress and discomfort as they
came up as I practiced noticing I became
were able to separate the physical
sensations from the emotional labels I
attached them for example embarrassed
and angry two very similar in my body
and anxious and excited feel very
similar as well the difference is the
words I’m using to describe them because
emotions are a mix of the physiology in
the psychology they are what’s in my
body understood through my description
and my story and so I realized that
other people don’t make me uncomfortable
this comfort comes through how I’m
choosing to interpret the situation it
comes from the filter of my thoughts
feelings fears desires and expectations
in this way emotion is information and
discomfort is data as I became more
aware of my comfortable moments I also
realized that some things I do to other
people are things I don’t like other
people doing to me two examples in a
disagreement I will often passionately
argue citing facts and logic and we will
do that to me I can feel
or annoyed or defensive those arguments
have almost never changed my mind and
too sometimes when someone shares
something emotional I might reply with
at least it it wasn’t worse but when
people say that to me I feel pressure to
just get over it like my situation it’s
small and simple and not deserving of
emotion as I became more aware of my
discomfort I also became more confident
in saying no no just kidding let me go
back a little bit mmm being comfortable
is a moment to reconsider the things I
do naturally to see what might suit us
better and then those two examples
questions often work better questions
about what would be helpful and
questions that I don’t expect a
particular answer to with questions we
both learned more and felt good doing it
so now as it became more uncomfortable
more aware of my discomfort I became
more confident in saying no hmm just
kidding
let me go back one more time another big
habit I had was being strategic about
everything I said instead of just saying
what I was thinking and that often
resulted in miscommunication or panic
when I lost my train of thought so now I
tried to acknowledge that out loud by
saying I don’t know what to say what’s
coming to mind is or I noticed I’ve been
rambling my point is or no I don’t
recall your name or a more intimate
situations I notice I’m uneasy I’m
nervous that blank will happen and what
I value most is blank usually trust or
closeness in our relationship here we go
I became more confident in saying no as
I mentioned earlier and now I say thanks
for sharing I notice I can’t focus could
you email me everything so I could
really give it attention or I’m so
hungry to think and I want to how about
after lunch it really affects your
thinking or just oh I’m not comfortable
discussing that before I just been
tolerating uncomfortable moments because
I didn’t know for sure that I was too
uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be
impolite even though I run events on
taboo subjects starting those
conversations in real
where it matters is still not easy and
so now I try to make a habit of giving
gentle invitations for example to talk
more about failure or sex I might
highlight the relationship or business
struggles in a movie or share an article
about entrepreneurial depression or the
science of sex let me end with a story
so at fuck-up nights where speakers
share the messy frustrating disastrous
moments of business people sometimes ask
me why why would anyone want to share
their failures
why don’t they be seen as stupid or
incompetent who are not so business
savvy embedded in that is a bigger
question why why would anyone want to be
authentic or honest about anything
they’re experiencing the truth is the
audience sees the speakers as brave
resilience reflective even people who
ask me that question use similar words
to me the shows that vulnerability is
linked with weakness and discomfort but
it looks and feels like strength it
seems illogical but admitting to what’s
difficult makes us seem strong even more
the truth is all their speakers
volunteer and many volunteer the night
they hear someone else speak to me the
shows that acknowledging what makes us
uncomfortable brings us more comfort and
less anxiety and being open about it
allows others to do the same so slowly
as we practice talking more about these
topics we might avoid like failure or
sex
it becomes more okay both to talk about
failure and sex and to experience sex
and to experience failure to experience
all the weirdness and complexity of life
we’re about at the end now so I invite
you to reflect back on what was useful
to you what did you think of or feel
here’s some of what I’m practicing
noticing discomfort breathing more
saying what I feel asking myself why am
I talking giving gentle invitations and
pedal boating in general maybe these are
some things that you would like to
experiment with and maybe you’d like to
try something else completely
prints altogether whatever it is though
it will probably be awkward and
uncomfortable at first thank you
[Applause]
that I wanted to impress you to impress
you with my youthfulness and my
insightfulness and my eloquence how do I
do that I don’t know but at first I try
to run in every different direction at
once I tried to appeal to every
different kind of person that I could
think of I started to feel anxious and
then I started to feel embarrassed about
my anxiousness because I’ve given so
many talks I should be completely
comfortable by now
I knew that I was trying to do too much
in too little time and then I felt
guilty because I knew it and I was still
trying to do it even when I started this
version I hesitated I thought what if I
can’t finish it what if it doesn’t go as
well as I imagined it what if I try my
best and I still make all the wrong
choices and then I realized oh it’s time
to practice what I preach to actually do
what I know in theory because this talk
is about being uncomfortable about
uncomfortable moments about exploring
and learning from uncomfortable
situations for the last three years I’ve
been facilitating conversations and
organizing events around a variety of
crucial but often avoided topics like
sex failure emotion disagreement
feedback religion death and others today
I want to share more about why
uncomfortable is useful what I’ve
learned what I’m trying and some science
has given me insights along the way for
me in this talk my takeaway is this
sometimes I’ll feel uncomfortable and I
want to take those moments as
opportunities to be curious to look for
something to learn to try doing
something different and that takes
practice and that practice willful
awkward and uncomfortable too at first
and every time until sometimes it won’t
here’s how I remember that let’s all
cross our arms for a moment go ahead
cross your arms
mm-hmm okay good great I’m cross and now
cross them the other way with the other
arm on top it’s awkward for me the usual
way feels good the new way feels strange
falling back on my habits is easy and
changing them takes constant attention
and awkwardness so pause a note before I
continue today you hear some things that
are new and some things that you’ve
heard before some things that are
interesting and some things that seem
irrelevant so take what’s useful to you
and don’t worry about the rest it might
be something I say but more likely it’s
something you think or feel during this
time notice where you feel uncomfortable
and see where that discomfort is coming
from contrasts my experiences with your
own take what’s useful and try to put it
into practice he will say that what’s
scarier than death is public speaking
but I think private speaking is scary in
a similar way I want to think I want to
believe that I don’t care what the other
person thinks of me but when we’re face
to face that’s really not true in casual
conversations I’m concerned with looking
stupid – weird – awkward not nice not
knowledgeable sometimes I want to seem
successful or intriguing or impressive
in more intimate or important
conversations it seems like our
relationship or my sense of identity is
at stake my brain goes wild with fears
like will this change everything what if
I am wrong or abnormal what if I am not
good enough not smart enough
well I still be accepted or trusted or
loved for a while these conversations
seem so risky so potentially out of
control that I avoided them completely
how did I do that by pretending with
friends or at work I tried to be someone
who fit in who was doing fine who was
doing better than fine I’d rather be
polite than real I would always be happy
to help and I would never ask for help I
wanted to give off the vibe of I’ve got
it all under control
conversations seem like a strategy game
where I was trying to win by saying all
the right things but I didn’t know all
the rules I didn’t even know the goals
as I ran from vulnerability my
discomfort grew because everything seems
more and more risky and so I withdrew
avoiding conversation and when I had to
talk I stuck to small talk repeating my
questions and answers tolerating boring
conversation I didn’t try to make
interesting conversation but it did
expect others to do it between all that
anxiety and frustration I asked why do I
have conversations at all why am i
talking it must be more than trying to
shape others opinions of me on the
surface it might be a way of a
meaningful way of passing the time of
exploring interest and excitement and
then a way to learn and to reflect to
find like minds and new perspectives to
feel useful and appreciated and then
most deeply conversations are about
connection to feel heard and understood
to feel close to an understanding of
others to feel that we are not alone in
our strange chaotic and mysterious
experiences of life maybe conversations
weren’t strategy games like I had
thought but a way of traveling together
by pedal boat maybe we aren’t
competitors and opposite sides of the
table but side by side with our own set
of petals coordinating with each other
to go around the fountain or explore the
tiny tiny islands or go out of bounds
it’s much easier when we communicate
where we want to go and even easier if
we’re open to surprises and fine with
finding dead ends so I asked how do I
have more of these meaningful useful
conversations and of course it did the
first thing the first thing that was
comfortable organizing events so that
was the sort of up nights where our
speakers share candidly about business
failures and cut the small talk where
people discuss crucial but taboo topics
like sex self-worth money the imposter
syndrome family expectations and more we
pick topics that people traditionally
avoid
so soon I realized a big part of why we
avoid them is because we’ve always
avoided them talking about them is new
and like learning a new language it
feels awkward in the beginning to start
putting our silent thoughts into words I
try to acknowledge this awkward newness
at events and it helps people feel more
comfortable soon though I realized that
I had to do what I find most
uncomfortable trying out new habits in
my everyday social interactions and so I
procrastinated with science by reviewing
research in that area and through that
research I realized that I had really
only been focusing on one of the five
parts of emotional intelligence social
skills I only wanted to know how to
connect how to build rapport and manage
conflict but social skills is really the
other four put together it’s empathy our
desire to understand others and
intrinsic motivation our curiosity and
positivity self-regulation our ability
to respond rather than to react and the
foundation of it all self-awareness our
knowledge of our own thoughts feelings
goals and impact on others when I saw
conversations as a game I focus on the
strategies and the techniques rather
than trying to understand the other
person or even my own goals I held my
emotions close like secrets thinking
that expressing them made me weak and
knowing the thoughts and feelings of
other people gave me an advantage over
them and through that research I also
realized what butterflies in my stomach
actually is what feeling uncomfortable
actually is it turns out this uneasiness
in our stomach is our digestive system
not getting enough blood not getting
enough blood it’s part of the body’s
stress response fight-or-flight the body
that’s the same thing for social threats
so when I get really uncomfortable or
angry or sad I can stumble incoherently
and I can reply impulsively I’m
aggressive and defensive and sometimes I
literally walk away so how do we calm
that stress response well there’s a fast
way and a slow
and the slow ways through the brains
prefrontal cortex thinking through our
fears to realize they are not so
threatening and not so likely the slow
ways through the body breathing deeply
to let the nervous system know that it
is not in any danger even to calm the
hormonal responses this this active
noticing and exploring makes the body
more comfortable and this mindfulness
trains the brain bringing more awareness
and focus and gray matter so let’s
practice a practice in noticing a little
self-awareness exercise and after this
I’ll share some more practical things
there is no talking just noticing but if
you do feel too uncomfortable or strange
please let your partner know but first
let’s all stand up please stand up I
start to notice your feet on the ground
underneath inside your shoes and see
where you feel tight maybe roll your
shoulders a twist side to side with your
neck whatever feels good in this moment
and let’s do one stretch together taking
both hands separate making two fists
held tight and then bring them together
like a little fist bump keeping the
elbows up try to bring the tops of your
hands together feel the stretch and
breathe through that discomfort tops of
your hands
very nice letting go now without talking
without introducing yourself turn to
face a partner to is best the three is
fine look at your partner silently maybe
smile you can make eye contact the whole
time we’re just once in a while see
what’s good for you am I feeling
comfortable you might feel nothing stay
with it let’s take a breath inhale
exhale keep looking at your partner in
their general direction I notice the air
by your notes keep facing your partner
scan your body and see what you notice
where is your attention keep looking in
the general direction now silently try
describing what you feel warm Mt small
buzzing sharp in your mind keep noticing
maybe keep looking alright
inhale exhale thank you very much please
take a seat and think about what you
noticed you might have noticed many
things but here are a few possibilities
maybe that eye contact is really
meaningful
maybe that noticing is difficult
maybe that body awareness feels good or
that awkwardness and discomfort are kind
of funny and like an inside joke as I
practice noticing I became more able to
do slow stress and discomfort as they
came up as I practiced noticing I became
were able to separate the physical
sensations from the emotional labels I
attached them for example embarrassed
and angry two very similar in my body
and anxious and excited feel very
similar as well the difference is the
words I’m using to describe them because
emotions are a mix of the physiology in
the psychology they are what’s in my
body understood through my description
and my story and so I realized that
other people don’t make me uncomfortable
this comfort comes through how I’m
choosing to interpret the situation it
comes from the filter of my thoughts
feelings fears desires and expectations
in this way emotion is information and
discomfort is data as I became more
aware of my comfortable moments I also
realized that some things I do to other
people are things I don’t like other
people doing to me two examples in a
disagreement I will often passionately
argue citing facts and logic and we will
do that to me I can feel
or annoyed or defensive those arguments
have almost never changed my mind and
too sometimes when someone shares
something emotional I might reply with
at least it it wasn’t worse but when
people say that to me I feel pressure to
just get over it like my situation it’s
small and simple and not deserving of
emotion as I became more aware of my
discomfort I also became more confident
in saying no no just kidding let me go
back a little bit mmm being comfortable
is a moment to reconsider the things I
do naturally to see what might suit us
better and then those two examples
questions often work better questions
about what would be helpful and
questions that I don’t expect a
particular answer to with questions we
both learned more and felt good doing it
so now as it became more uncomfortable
more aware of my discomfort I became
more confident in saying no hmm just
kidding
let me go back one more time another big
habit I had was being strategic about
everything I said instead of just saying
what I was thinking and that often
resulted in miscommunication or panic
when I lost my train of thought so now I
tried to acknowledge that out loud by
saying I don’t know what to say what’s
coming to mind is or I noticed I’ve been
rambling my point is or no I don’t
recall your name or a more intimate
situations I notice I’m uneasy I’m
nervous that blank will happen and what
I value most is blank usually trust or
closeness in our relationship here we go
I became more confident in saying no as
I mentioned earlier and now I say thanks
for sharing I notice I can’t focus could
you email me everything so I could
really give it attention or I’m so
hungry to think and I want to how about
after lunch it really affects your
thinking or just oh I’m not comfortable
discussing that before I just been
tolerating uncomfortable moments because
I didn’t know for sure that I was too
uncomfortable and I didn’t want to be
impolite even though I run events on
taboo subjects starting those
conversations in real
where it matters is still not easy and
so now I try to make a habit of giving
gentle invitations for example to talk
more about failure or sex I might
highlight the relationship or business
struggles in a movie or share an article
about entrepreneurial depression or the
science of sex let me end with a story
so at fuck-up nights where speakers
share the messy frustrating disastrous
moments of business people sometimes ask
me why why would anyone want to share
their failures
why don’t they be seen as stupid or
incompetent who are not so business
savvy embedded in that is a bigger
question why why would anyone want to be
authentic or honest about anything
they’re experiencing the truth is the
audience sees the speakers as brave
resilience reflective even people who
ask me that question use similar words
to me the shows that vulnerability is
linked with weakness and discomfort but
it looks and feels like strength it
seems illogical but admitting to what’s
difficult makes us seem strong even more
the truth is all their speakers
volunteer and many volunteer the night
they hear someone else speak to me the
shows that acknowledging what makes us
uncomfortable brings us more comfort and
less anxiety and being open about it
allows others to do the same so slowly
as we practice talking more about these
topics we might avoid like failure or
sex
it becomes more okay both to talk about
failure and sex and to experience sex
and to experience failure to experience
all the weirdness and complexity of life
we’re about at the end now so I invite
you to reflect back on what was useful
to you what did you think of or feel
here’s some of what I’m practicing
noticing discomfort breathing more
saying what I feel asking myself why am
I talking giving gentle invitations and
pedal boating in general maybe these are
some things that you would like to
experiment with and maybe you’d like to
try something else completely
prints altogether whatever it is though
it will probably be awkward and
uncomfortable at first thank you
[Applause]
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