[Music]
[Applause]
when I was in grade school and I didn’t
have enough quarters safe from the tooth
fairy
I made all my presents for my family and
one of the most memorable was a set of
hand embroidered matching shirts one for
my dad one for me and his said fishing
dad and mine set a fishing girl and we
wore them every time that we went
fishing I grew up with the idea that
fish are dirty and slimy and they have
this aura of danger around them because
they have this dorsal fin that can stab
you in the hand if you don’t hold them
correctly while I was unafraid of
touching the worms and minnows and
leeches that we used as bait I couldn’t
take a fish off the line so my poor dad
would have to take his rod down set it
down and he’d pick mine up take the fish
off and he’d offer it to me and say
Christine do you want to hold a fish
today and I’d shake my head you toss it
back in the water and this process
continued for two decades two decades
there’s a concept in fishing called
catch and release where when you catch a
fish that the DNR deems is too small to
keep you take it off the line toss it
back in the water but I think there’s
this critical intermediate step where
you actually hold on to the fish and
sometimes you hold it long enough to
take a picture of it to give it a name
but then you let it go catching a fish
means that you’ve allowed this new being
into your space and this presence is
dirty and it’s smelly and it’s flipping
around and spraying youth water you need
to get it under control to protect
yourself so you have to hold on to it
but you can’t get it under control if
you don’t overcome a fear of this gross
Ness and of the potential for being hurt
you can’t hold on to it forever or it’ll
die and rot in your hands so you have to
let it go
and when you release a fish you take it
off the line throw it as far as you can
from the boat watch it swim away and
while it still is there under the
surface and sometimes it might resurface
it’s not in your hands anymore and it’s
not yours to hold the past four years of
my life have been a series of catching
holding and releasing a big metaphorical
fish and at first like I did with
fishing with my dad I relied on other
people to hold this fish for me when I
couldn’t hold it myself but ultimately
healing only came when I learned to hold
and release my own fish this
metaphorical fish is an eating disorder
that developed in the summer of 2013
it started with eating very little which
turned into skipping meals altogether
exercising which ultimately became
compulsive isolating myself from family
and friends and keeping all of my fears
and anxieties and doubts and self-hatred
hidden because everyone was saying if
you bring to light the things that you
see as flaws other people are gonna
notice them see you better stay quiet
food became this fear and something that
I felt I would lose control over so I
used running which I used to love to
pursue this control that I thought would
lead to perfection which meant happiness
and acceptance and comfort and over time
this eating disorder began replacing
everything that was important to me it
replaced my personality and my passions
with exhaustion it replaced
relationships and connections with
isolation and it turned the voices in my
head that motivated me and taught me to
achieve good things and turn them into
voices that told me that I was
inadequate that I wasn’t good enough
strong enough smart enough thin enough
and then ultimately sick enough
it took everything that was important to
me and this eating disorder began
replacing relationships so I felt that I
took up too much space physically and
mentally so I tried to numb it hide it
make myself smaller because I thought
that would lead me to a space of love
and Worth and that I was unlovable where
I was currently which was so wrong my
grandma was the first person to notice
that I was ill and from this place of
immense love to bring it to light and to
make my parents aware of it and in the
same way my parents from this place of
love found me a treatment team that
included a general physician a therapist
and a dietician and together these two
groups my family including my brother
and my treatment team were the ones that
held this fish for me when I couldn’t
hold it myself
they always reminded me to choose health
for myself to rid myself of the shame
that was keeping me ill and they held me
accountable through therapy and
refeeding when I was just going through
the motions and while they were the ones
that yes we’re holding this fish for me
they never told anyone because they
realized that the only way that I could
reach this place of healing and full
acceptance of my brokenness was by
holding and releasing it myself but I
wasn’t telling anyone either I didn’t
want people to know that I was depressed
because of the stigma that surrounds it
I couldn’t talk about the days that I
spent crying in my therapist office or
crying to my parents over the phone
there are a lot of tears that were shed
I didn’t know how to explain or how to
verbalize all of the self-hatred the
doubts that I had the comparisons that I
would make of myself to women who were
happier more accepted and more enough
than I was so I kept all of it secret
and hidden and all of the secrecy and
deception
was what was keeping this fish so
stubbornly stuck to my line eating
disorders are incredibly slippery fish
to handle because everything within you
physically and mentally is connected you
can’t get away from it my physical and
psychological recoveries were connected
too but the most important thing I
learned throughout those recoveries was
that it was connections with other
people that could replace this
relationship with this eating disorder
it was this eating disorder that had
replaced the connections but it was the
connections that could ultimately
replace the eating disorder so I had to
learn a lot about my relationship with
shame and to change that into fearless
vulnerability there’s a TED talk by
brené Brown where she highlights the
difference between fear and
vulnerability and shame and I watched
that TED talk countless times throughout
my eating disorder and especially
through recovery then I bought a book I
read it twice and I found a quote in it
that says embracing our vulnerabilities
is risky but not nearly as dangerous as
giving up on love and belonging and joy
the experiences that make us the most
vulnerable only when we are brave enough
to explore our darkness can we discover
the infinite power of our light I had to
learn to explore my darkness I had to
hold my fish so the first step was
stopping the fish from spinning on my
line and getting it under control
so while I wasn’t holding it yet I knew
I wasn’t stupid coming from a Health
Sciences background that I had to gain
weight in order to return to normal
function but everything inside of me was
fighting this every pound brought doubts
I noticed all the changes that happened
with weight redistribution and I always
felt that I was eating too much and then
that I would overshoot my target
wait and then ultimately lose this
control that was so dear to me so I
still was only recovering for other
people for my family and for my
treatment team who were the ones that
were holding this fish for me but
eventually that first step was complete
and I was sitting right at the low end
of a healthy weight so next I had to
protect myself and get a good grip on
the fish in a way that it wasn’t going
to cut my hand I decided that I needed
to be accountable for the decisions that
I made that were hurting me and I chose
not only to answer to myself but to my
parents for all the things that were
setbacks so there were days that I would
eat too little or skip meals or that I’d
run too much and then over time that
would turn into an injury or there were
days that I would take anything that
weighed a few pounds like a padlock and
put it in my pockets when I went into
weigh-ins with a dietitian and all of
these moments well of course they were
setbacks and they were things that
therapists would call relapses were
moments of learning and growth where I
needed to take a step back to ask for
help to admit that I was weak and to
regain my grip on the fish eventually I
did so then I worked on detaching the
hook I needed to remove the attachment
that I had from this illness but it was
so difficult after living with it for so
long in a society that stigmatizes
mental illness that says that you should
just keep quiet about it because it
makes other people uncomfortable I began
to associate this illness with my own
identity so I had to separate myself
from it so when I would stand and look
at myself in the mirror I decided to
look at my whole body instead of just
the little things that I wouldn’t it
pick and that I thought were imperfect
you’re not good enough and I would
celebrate it for what it did instead of
what it looked like or I would look at
the past week and at the things that in
my
past life I would have seen as
shortcomings in ways that I hadn’t lived
up to my expectations and instead I
would celebrate the things even little
things that I had done and especially
the ways that I had connected with other
people so I began redefining the
expectations I had for myself and I
rewrote the ways that I measured my own
Worth and the final step was the most
important one this releasing the fish
letting it go and exhibiting it for
other people to see I had to share my
story vulnerably and fully but I started
small at first I just told a few friends
told my story and all of the fears that
I had that they would think differently
of me that they would judge me or they
would start micromanaging my eating
habits were totally unjustified the only
things they ever gave me were acceptance
and empathy so in the same way I started
giving myself acceptance and empathy and
compassion and over time I came to full
acceptance of my brokenness it was in
this connecting with other people that I
started connecting vulnerably with
myself and admitting it was okay to have
bad days because I had other people to
share them with and I learned that I
could share all these secrets but there
was one more that was still under the
surface that I wasn’t sharing therapists
always say that you should journal but I
didn’t journal in a leather-bound
notebook with pen and paper I had
started a blog with a private link only
known to myself I called it recovered
but not relieved and I hadn’t shared it
with anyone but I started toying with
the idea of telling other people about
it and eventually the importance that
sharing my story for my recovery and for
the sake of other people’s recovery was
so much more important to me than any of
fears that I had on may 18th of 2016
I shared my blog with an entry called
going public where I said I have a tough
time opening up to people thinking that
what I’m sharing is shameful or that by
admitting I’m flawed I will lose their
respect and acceptance but when I allow
people into my struggles the result is
always the same
endless love support and care so I
posted it on Facebook I turned off my
phone and my dad and I went to dinner
and we talked over burgers that were
topped with peanut butter about my
childhood and his childhood and we told
stories of fishing and then I’m when I
turn my phone back on I had messages
waiting for me from friends and
acquaintances and even total strangers
who expressed support or there were
people that said I’ve been eating
disorder too and there were even people
who were asking for advice on recovery
and it was then that it truly became
apparent to me that there were other
people in this world who held the same
fish that I did and felt just as weak
and broken as I did and we all live our
lives with our hands reeking of fish and
unless we can hold them accept them and
release them there’s no way that we can
connect vulnerably and fully with other
people in a culminating moment on July
6th of 2016 I took my first fish off the
hook
thank you and it was a huge moment for
me first as a lifelong Fisher woman and
second as a woman of newfound courage so
I held it up in the air and I yelled to
my dad who perfectly was sitting right
next to me we snapped a picture and I
named it Willis and we tossed it back in
the water
and unless that fish was eaten by
someone else it still lives in the lake
and just like that fish all of the
voices that plagued me and that tell me
that I’m not enough that I don’t do
enough that I’m not good enough that I’m
inadequate they’re still there and
sometimes they might resurface but when
they do I acknowledge their presence
I hear what they have to say and then I
let them go I’ve made some changes in my
life
got rid of my floor-length mirror I
speak about my eating disorder in the
past tense and while I might take a deep
breath before I share my story I always
share it so I challenge everyone here
myself included to bravely explore our
darkness to hold and release our fish
and to embrace the beautiful messiness
of vulnerability thank you
you
[Applause]
when I was in grade school and I didn’t
have enough quarters safe from the tooth
fairy
I made all my presents for my family and
one of the most memorable was a set of
hand embroidered matching shirts one for
my dad one for me and his said fishing
dad and mine set a fishing girl and we
wore them every time that we went
fishing I grew up with the idea that
fish are dirty and slimy and they have
this aura of danger around them because
they have this dorsal fin that can stab
you in the hand if you don’t hold them
correctly while I was unafraid of
touching the worms and minnows and
leeches that we used as bait I couldn’t
take a fish off the line so my poor dad
would have to take his rod down set it
down and he’d pick mine up take the fish
off and he’d offer it to me and say
Christine do you want to hold a fish
today and I’d shake my head you toss it
back in the water and this process
continued for two decades two decades
there’s a concept in fishing called
catch and release where when you catch a
fish that the DNR deems is too small to
keep you take it off the line toss it
back in the water but I think there’s
this critical intermediate step where
you actually hold on to the fish and
sometimes you hold it long enough to
take a picture of it to give it a name
but then you let it go catching a fish
means that you’ve allowed this new being
into your space and this presence is
dirty and it’s smelly and it’s flipping
around and spraying youth water you need
to get it under control to protect
yourself so you have to hold on to it
but you can’t get it under control if
you don’t overcome a fear of this gross
Ness and of the potential for being hurt
you can’t hold on to it forever or it’ll
die and rot in your hands so you have to
let it go
and when you release a fish you take it
off the line throw it as far as you can
from the boat watch it swim away and
while it still is there under the
surface and sometimes it might resurface
it’s not in your hands anymore and it’s
not yours to hold the past four years of
my life have been a series of catching
holding and releasing a big metaphorical
fish and at first like I did with
fishing with my dad I relied on other
people to hold this fish for me when I
couldn’t hold it myself but ultimately
healing only came when I learned to hold
and release my own fish this
metaphorical fish is an eating disorder
that developed in the summer of 2013
it started with eating very little which
turned into skipping meals altogether
exercising which ultimately became
compulsive isolating myself from family
and friends and keeping all of my fears
and anxieties and doubts and self-hatred
hidden because everyone was saying if
you bring to light the things that you
see as flaws other people are gonna
notice them see you better stay quiet
food became this fear and something that
I felt I would lose control over so I
used running which I used to love to
pursue this control that I thought would
lead to perfection which meant happiness
and acceptance and comfort and over time
this eating disorder began replacing
everything that was important to me it
replaced my personality and my passions
with exhaustion it replaced
relationships and connections with
isolation and it turned the voices in my
head that motivated me and taught me to
achieve good things and turn them into
voices that told me that I was
inadequate that I wasn’t good enough
strong enough smart enough thin enough
and then ultimately sick enough
it took everything that was important to
me and this eating disorder began
replacing relationships so I felt that I
took up too much space physically and
mentally so I tried to numb it hide it
make myself smaller because I thought
that would lead me to a space of love
and Worth and that I was unlovable where
I was currently which was so wrong my
grandma was the first person to notice
that I was ill and from this place of
immense love to bring it to light and to
make my parents aware of it and in the
same way my parents from this place of
love found me a treatment team that
included a general physician a therapist
and a dietician and together these two
groups my family including my brother
and my treatment team were the ones that
held this fish for me when I couldn’t
hold it myself
they always reminded me to choose health
for myself to rid myself of the shame
that was keeping me ill and they held me
accountable through therapy and
refeeding when I was just going through
the motions and while they were the ones
that yes we’re holding this fish for me
they never told anyone because they
realized that the only way that I could
reach this place of healing and full
acceptance of my brokenness was by
holding and releasing it myself but I
wasn’t telling anyone either I didn’t
want people to know that I was depressed
because of the stigma that surrounds it
I couldn’t talk about the days that I
spent crying in my therapist office or
crying to my parents over the phone
there are a lot of tears that were shed
I didn’t know how to explain or how to
verbalize all of the self-hatred the
doubts that I had the comparisons that I
would make of myself to women who were
happier more accepted and more enough
than I was so I kept all of it secret
and hidden and all of the secrecy and
deception
was what was keeping this fish so
stubbornly stuck to my line eating
disorders are incredibly slippery fish
to handle because everything within you
physically and mentally is connected you
can’t get away from it my physical and
psychological recoveries were connected
too but the most important thing I
learned throughout those recoveries was
that it was connections with other
people that could replace this
relationship with this eating disorder
it was this eating disorder that had
replaced the connections but it was the
connections that could ultimately
replace the eating disorder so I had to
learn a lot about my relationship with
shame and to change that into fearless
vulnerability there’s a TED talk by
brené Brown where she highlights the
difference between fear and
vulnerability and shame and I watched
that TED talk countless times throughout
my eating disorder and especially
through recovery then I bought a book I
read it twice and I found a quote in it
that says embracing our vulnerabilities
is risky but not nearly as dangerous as
giving up on love and belonging and joy
the experiences that make us the most
vulnerable only when we are brave enough
to explore our darkness can we discover
the infinite power of our light I had to
learn to explore my darkness I had to
hold my fish so the first step was
stopping the fish from spinning on my
line and getting it under control
so while I wasn’t holding it yet I knew
I wasn’t stupid coming from a Health
Sciences background that I had to gain
weight in order to return to normal
function but everything inside of me was
fighting this every pound brought doubts
I noticed all the changes that happened
with weight redistribution and I always
felt that I was eating too much and then
that I would overshoot my target
wait and then ultimately lose this
control that was so dear to me so I
still was only recovering for other
people for my family and for my
treatment team who were the ones that
were holding this fish for me but
eventually that first step was complete
and I was sitting right at the low end
of a healthy weight so next I had to
protect myself and get a good grip on
the fish in a way that it wasn’t going
to cut my hand I decided that I needed
to be accountable for the decisions that
I made that were hurting me and I chose
not only to answer to myself but to my
parents for all the things that were
setbacks so there were days that I would
eat too little or skip meals or that I’d
run too much and then over time that
would turn into an injury or there were
days that I would take anything that
weighed a few pounds like a padlock and
put it in my pockets when I went into
weigh-ins with a dietitian and all of
these moments well of course they were
setbacks and they were things that
therapists would call relapses were
moments of learning and growth where I
needed to take a step back to ask for
help to admit that I was weak and to
regain my grip on the fish eventually I
did so then I worked on detaching the
hook I needed to remove the attachment
that I had from this illness but it was
so difficult after living with it for so
long in a society that stigmatizes
mental illness that says that you should
just keep quiet about it because it
makes other people uncomfortable I began
to associate this illness with my own
identity so I had to separate myself
from it so when I would stand and look
at myself in the mirror I decided to
look at my whole body instead of just
the little things that I wouldn’t it
pick and that I thought were imperfect
you’re not good enough and I would
celebrate it for what it did instead of
what it looked like or I would look at
the past week and at the things that in
my
past life I would have seen as
shortcomings in ways that I hadn’t lived
up to my expectations and instead I
would celebrate the things even little
things that I had done and especially
the ways that I had connected with other
people so I began redefining the
expectations I had for myself and I
rewrote the ways that I measured my own
Worth and the final step was the most
important one this releasing the fish
letting it go and exhibiting it for
other people to see I had to share my
story vulnerably and fully but I started
small at first I just told a few friends
told my story and all of the fears that
I had that they would think differently
of me that they would judge me or they
would start micromanaging my eating
habits were totally unjustified the only
things they ever gave me were acceptance
and empathy so in the same way I started
giving myself acceptance and empathy and
compassion and over time I came to full
acceptance of my brokenness it was in
this connecting with other people that I
started connecting vulnerably with
myself and admitting it was okay to have
bad days because I had other people to
share them with and I learned that I
could share all these secrets but there
was one more that was still under the
surface that I wasn’t sharing therapists
always say that you should journal but I
didn’t journal in a leather-bound
notebook with pen and paper I had
started a blog with a private link only
known to myself I called it recovered
but not relieved and I hadn’t shared it
with anyone but I started toying with
the idea of telling other people about
it and eventually the importance that
sharing my story for my recovery and for
the sake of other people’s recovery was
so much more important to me than any of
fears that I had on may 18th of 2016
I shared my blog with an entry called
going public where I said I have a tough
time opening up to people thinking that
what I’m sharing is shameful or that by
admitting I’m flawed I will lose their
respect and acceptance but when I allow
people into my struggles the result is
always the same
endless love support and care so I
posted it on Facebook I turned off my
phone and my dad and I went to dinner
and we talked over burgers that were
topped with peanut butter about my
childhood and his childhood and we told
stories of fishing and then I’m when I
turn my phone back on I had messages
waiting for me from friends and
acquaintances and even total strangers
who expressed support or there were
people that said I’ve been eating
disorder too and there were even people
who were asking for advice on recovery
and it was then that it truly became
apparent to me that there were other
people in this world who held the same
fish that I did and felt just as weak
and broken as I did and we all live our
lives with our hands reeking of fish and
unless we can hold them accept them and
release them there’s no way that we can
connect vulnerably and fully with other
people in a culminating moment on July
6th of 2016 I took my first fish off the
hook
thank you and it was a huge moment for
me first as a lifelong Fisher woman and
second as a woman of newfound courage so
I held it up in the air and I yelled to
my dad who perfectly was sitting right
next to me we snapped a picture and I
named it Willis and we tossed it back in
the water
and unless that fish was eaten by
someone else it still lives in the lake
and just like that fish all of the
voices that plagued me and that tell me
that I’m not enough that I don’t do
enough that I’m not good enough that I’m
inadequate they’re still there and
sometimes they might resurface but when
they do I acknowledge their presence
I hear what they have to say and then I
let them go I’ve made some changes in my
life
got rid of my floor-length mirror I
speak about my eating disorder in the
past tense and while I might take a deep
breath before I share my story I always
share it so I challenge everyone here
myself included to bravely explore our
darkness to hold and release our fish
and to embrace the beautiful messiness
of vulnerability thank you
you
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