[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
I’m a business lawyer and a negotiation
consultant so my professional life
centers on effective conflict management
and today I’m going to tell you the
story of one of my most serious
conflicts in order for you to wrap your
head around the gravity of this
situation there’s something important
you need to know about me I love
cinnamon toast crunch so earlier this
year after a long day at work all I
wanted to do was relax at home with a
bowl of my favorite cereal so imagine
how I felt when I got home and I saw my
lovely wife Whitney sitting on the couch
finishing the last bowl of my cereal and
she did not even have the decency to use
milk so without thinking I marched into
the kitchen I took her granola and I ate
all of it and and I don’t even like
granola this is an example of how not to
handle conflict so obviously we’re
having a little bit of fun with that
example but the reality is that conflict
can be the most challenging part of our
personal and professional lives whether
it’s a business negotiation or a heated
political argument these conversations
are intimidating and infuriating but why
this is your amygdala the amygdala is a
temperamental part of the brain that is
quick to respond to perceived threats
it’s part of the limbic system which is
one of the most primitive brain
structures and is also known as the
lizard brain these quick primal
responses were critical for survival way
back in the day when we were living in
caves and death lurked around every
corner but the problem is that society
evolved faster than our brains and as a
result today we struggle in difficult
conversations because we’re fighting
modern-day battles with prehistoric
tools
have you ever said something in the heat
of the moment that you immediately knew
was a mistake
this is called an amygdala hijack and it
can take you from rational to irrational
in the blink of an eye these responses
are rooted in fear and we only have
three fear responses fight/flight and
the often overlooked freeze response
which is also known as the
deer-in-headlights
response and your preferred fear
response is most likely going to be a
product of your lived experience I grew
up in Tiffin Ohio and the thing that I
really appreciated about Tiffin was its
diversity
on top of that my family’s from the
Caribbean so I had a strong Caribbean
accent when I was growing up so not only
did I look different
I also sounded different and not
surprisingly this combination made a
real tough for the young Y to fit in so
because of this I became obsessed with
finding ways to gain the acceptance of
my peers and eventually I became one of
the most popular kids in school but this
came with a price
I became deathly afraid of singing or
doing something that could potentially
jeopardize the relationships that I
worked so hard to create I became a
people pleaser and this made it less
likely for me to stand up for myself in
difficult conversations in other words I
would freeze or flee in the face of
conflict this led me to agree when I
actually disagree and avoid
confrontation at all cost
but all this changed when I met my
mentor and he told me something that I
will never forget he said plumbing there
is a big difference between being liked
and being respected and if you want to
have personal and professional success
you need to be willing to engage with
conflict so after that meeting I forced
myself to have the difficult
conversations that I spent my whole life
trying to avoid
and as I built this new habit I
discovered something life-changing
conflict is an opportunity conflict
provides you with the unique opportunity
to either repair and strengthen valuable
relationships or identify and remove
malignant relationships with minimal
damage so how do we actually engage with
the conflict at hand you remember fight
flight or freeze I suggest that we use a
more evolved response to conflict
resolution something that I like to call
compassionate curiosity
now the distinction between curiosity
and compassionate curiosity is more than
just semantics for example you can start
a conversation off like this what the
hell is your problem
curious yes compassionate know or you
could start a conversation like this how
do you feel about this situation
compassionate curiosity fosters a
genuine desire to understand that is
tempered with empathy and respect
approaching conversations in this way
naturally causes you to ask better
deeper and more penetrating questions
and listen more effectively what makes
this so hard is the fact that we need to
be vulnerable we need to be willing to
suspend judgment and open ourselves up
to the scary possibilities of either
being wrong or potentially losing a
relationship compassionate curiosity is
the key to taming the lizard brain
slowing down and asking these high-level
questions forces you to use the most
evolved part of your brain called the
prefrontal cortex this is where you find
a logical reasoning
whenever you get lost confused or scared
in these conversations compassionate
curiosity will be your North Star you
can look to it for guidance when you
don’t know what to say you can lean on
it for support in your most difficult
conversations and as you start to build
this new habit you’ll realize that it
actually takes pressure off of you
because your goal is to learn not to
teach here’s an example earlier this
year I found myself in a heated contract
negotiation the guy on the other side
was furious I could actually hear his
voice quivering with rage with every
word he said and then I felt the sudden
rush of emotion from my amygdala and it
told me that I could either run away
fight back or just sit there and take it
but instead of falling victim to these
primal impulses I chose to use
compassionate curiosity I led with
compassion and focused on addressing his
acute emotional needs I said listen I
can tell you’re upset what are your
biggest concerns what can we do to help
you and as he started to answer these
questions he slowly began to calm
and by the end of the conversation we
were laughing and joking with each other
and he gave me everything that I needed
effective conflict management is a
critical element of negotiation and
persuasion this deal would have been
impossible if I didn’t take the time to
suspend my agenda and address the
conflict on the front end of the
conversation and you don’t need to be a
professional negotiator to do this it
works in your personal life as well but
I will be honest with you I am a lot
better at doing this in my professional
life then I have in my personal life and
this is because as the relationships get
closer the stakes get higher there’s
more to lose but you have to remember we
don’t use compassionate curiosity
because it’s easy we use it because the
relationship is worth it speaking of
relationships let’s get back to Whitney
and cereal gates
what does compassionate curiosity look
like in this situation well instead of
suffering through an ungodly amount of
granola to make an ineffective point
what I should have done was first lead
with compassion and second invited her
to problem-solve with me through the use
of open-ended questions now this is
where it gets really interesting because
I actually tried this with Whitney a few
weeks later and I learned something
fascinating so when I brought this up to
her she looked at me with a genuine
confusion and said Kwame do I really do
that and I was shocked and this was
shocking to me for two reasons reason
number one was because at this point
we’d been married for seven years and I
could not believe that she didn’t know
how much of an issue this was to me
reason number two was because as we were
having this serious conversation she was
literally finishing off another box of
my cereal right in front of me this just
goes to show that a lot of times the
other side is blissfully unaware of the
impact that their behavior has on us and
this is precisely why it is our
responsibility to stand up and say
something if we really care about the
relationship and we really care about
making positive change we’re living at a
time now where it seems as though we
forgotten how to talk to each other
embracing and sharing this message of
compassionate curiosity maybe the best
thing that we can do to counter the
animosity that we’re seeing in the world
today so I’ll leave you with this it’s a
challenge the next time you find
yourself in the midst of a conflict
remember you have two choices you can
either use compassionate curiosity and
actually seek to improve the
relationship or you can follow them home
sneak into their kitchen and eat all of
their bunola
[Applause]
[Music]
you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
I’m a business lawyer and a negotiation
consultant so my professional life
centers on effective conflict management
and today I’m going to tell you the
story of one of my most serious
conflicts in order for you to wrap your
head around the gravity of this
situation there’s something important
you need to know about me I love
cinnamon toast crunch so earlier this
year after a long day at work all I
wanted to do was relax at home with a
bowl of my favorite cereal so imagine
how I felt when I got home and I saw my
lovely wife Whitney sitting on the couch
finishing the last bowl of my cereal and
she did not even have the decency to use
milk so without thinking I marched into
the kitchen I took her granola and I ate
all of it and and I don’t even like
granola this is an example of how not to
handle conflict so obviously we’re
having a little bit of fun with that
example but the reality is that conflict
can be the most challenging part of our
personal and professional lives whether
it’s a business negotiation or a heated
political argument these conversations
are intimidating and infuriating but why
this is your amygdala the amygdala is a
temperamental part of the brain that is
quick to respond to perceived threats
it’s part of the limbic system which is
one of the most primitive brain
structures and is also known as the
lizard brain these quick primal
responses were critical for survival way
back in the day when we were living in
caves and death lurked around every
corner but the problem is that society
evolved faster than our brains and as a
result today we struggle in difficult
conversations because we’re fighting
modern-day battles with prehistoric
tools
have you ever said something in the heat
of the moment that you immediately knew
was a mistake
this is called an amygdala hijack and it
can take you from rational to irrational
in the blink of an eye these responses
are rooted in fear and we only have
three fear responses fight/flight and
the often overlooked freeze response
which is also known as the
deer-in-headlights
response and your preferred fear
response is most likely going to be a
product of your lived experience I grew
up in Tiffin Ohio and the thing that I
really appreciated about Tiffin was its
diversity
on top of that my family’s from the
Caribbean so I had a strong Caribbean
accent when I was growing up so not only
did I look different
I also sounded different and not
surprisingly this combination made a
real tough for the young Y to fit in so
because of this I became obsessed with
finding ways to gain the acceptance of
my peers and eventually I became one of
the most popular kids in school but this
came with a price
I became deathly afraid of singing or
doing something that could potentially
jeopardize the relationships that I
worked so hard to create I became a
people pleaser and this made it less
likely for me to stand up for myself in
difficult conversations in other words I
would freeze or flee in the face of
conflict this led me to agree when I
actually disagree and avoid
confrontation at all cost
but all this changed when I met my
mentor and he told me something that I
will never forget he said plumbing there
is a big difference between being liked
and being respected and if you want to
have personal and professional success
you need to be willing to engage with
conflict so after that meeting I forced
myself to have the difficult
conversations that I spent my whole life
trying to avoid
and as I built this new habit I
discovered something life-changing
conflict is an opportunity conflict
provides you with the unique opportunity
to either repair and strengthen valuable
relationships or identify and remove
malignant relationships with minimal
damage so how do we actually engage with
the conflict at hand you remember fight
flight or freeze I suggest that we use a
more evolved response to conflict
resolution something that I like to call
compassionate curiosity
now the distinction between curiosity
and compassionate curiosity is more than
just semantics for example you can start
a conversation off like this what the
hell is your problem
curious yes compassionate know or you
could start a conversation like this how
do you feel about this situation
compassionate curiosity fosters a
genuine desire to understand that is
tempered with empathy and respect
approaching conversations in this way
naturally causes you to ask better
deeper and more penetrating questions
and listen more effectively what makes
this so hard is the fact that we need to
be vulnerable we need to be willing to
suspend judgment and open ourselves up
to the scary possibilities of either
being wrong or potentially losing a
relationship compassionate curiosity is
the key to taming the lizard brain
slowing down and asking these high-level
questions forces you to use the most
evolved part of your brain called the
prefrontal cortex this is where you find
a logical reasoning
whenever you get lost confused or scared
in these conversations compassionate
curiosity will be your North Star you
can look to it for guidance when you
don’t know what to say you can lean on
it for support in your most difficult
conversations and as you start to build
this new habit you’ll realize that it
actually takes pressure off of you
because your goal is to learn not to
teach here’s an example earlier this
year I found myself in a heated contract
negotiation the guy on the other side
was furious I could actually hear his
voice quivering with rage with every
word he said and then I felt the sudden
rush of emotion from my amygdala and it
told me that I could either run away
fight back or just sit there and take it
but instead of falling victim to these
primal impulses I chose to use
compassionate curiosity I led with
compassion and focused on addressing his
acute emotional needs I said listen I
can tell you’re upset what are your
biggest concerns what can we do to help
you and as he started to answer these
questions he slowly began to calm
and by the end of the conversation we
were laughing and joking with each other
and he gave me everything that I needed
effective conflict management is a
critical element of negotiation and
persuasion this deal would have been
impossible if I didn’t take the time to
suspend my agenda and address the
conflict on the front end of the
conversation and you don’t need to be a
professional negotiator to do this it
works in your personal life as well but
I will be honest with you I am a lot
better at doing this in my professional
life then I have in my personal life and
this is because as the relationships get
closer the stakes get higher there’s
more to lose but you have to remember we
don’t use compassionate curiosity
because it’s easy we use it because the
relationship is worth it speaking of
relationships let’s get back to Whitney
and cereal gates
what does compassionate curiosity look
like in this situation well instead of
suffering through an ungodly amount of
granola to make an ineffective point
what I should have done was first lead
with compassion and second invited her
to problem-solve with me through the use
of open-ended questions now this is
where it gets really interesting because
I actually tried this with Whitney a few
weeks later and I learned something
fascinating so when I brought this up to
her she looked at me with a genuine
confusion and said Kwame do I really do
that and I was shocked and this was
shocking to me for two reasons reason
number one was because at this point
we’d been married for seven years and I
could not believe that she didn’t know
how much of an issue this was to me
reason number two was because as we were
having this serious conversation she was
literally finishing off another box of
my cereal right in front of me this just
goes to show that a lot of times the
other side is blissfully unaware of the
impact that their behavior has on us and
this is precisely why it is our
responsibility to stand up and say
something if we really care about the
relationship and we really care about
making positive change we’re living at a
time now where it seems as though we
forgotten how to talk to each other
embracing and sharing this message of
compassionate curiosity maybe the best
thing that we can do to counter the
animosity that we’re seeing in the world
today so I’ll leave you with this it’s a
challenge the next time you find
yourself in the midst of a conflict
remember you have two choices you can
either use compassionate curiosity and
actually seek to improve the
relationship or you can follow them home
sneak into their kitchen and eat all of
their bunola
[Applause]
[Music]
you
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