Translator: Karina Barretto Reviewer: Claudia Sander
Hi!
I just came out of an existential crisis.
In fact, I just went through it
and I managed to survive.
I had separated from a person I love very much.
It was a marriage that I thought would last forever.
I thought that we would age together.
To make it worse, I was about to turn 40
and that was freaking me out.
I felt that I was too old to restart anything.
I know this is not the best way
to introduce myself to anyone or begin a conversation,
but I found out that, when you talk about what is true to you,
your chances of connecting with someone
through that person’s truth increase.
For instance, I’d like to know how many people here in this auditorium
could I have a great conversation with
due to this connection through truth?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever experienced an existential crisis?
If you’re in the middle of a crisis, you can also raise your hand.
(Laughter)
If you don’t have the guts to admit it, you can also raise your hand.
It’s tough, having an existential crisis.
It was too intense for me.
I had depression,
and I developed an autoimmune disease.
I started to believe that I had lost the ability
to connect with my own self, with people who loved me,
and especially with people that I didn’t know well – the “others.”
I felt like dirty rag.
It’s a classic. And what happens when you turn into a rag?
People come pushing,
“My friend, let’s party, forget that stupid crap!”
“My child, throw salt right and left
to scare away the bad vibes!”
“You must meditate for seven days and nights during the full moon,
then get a haircut and everything will be fine.”
And people do this out of love,
not because they are mean.
A lot of suggestions came up,
and being a rag, I just went along.
One of them made a lot of sense.
My sister, who knows me so well, said,
“Go to Africa!”
And that made sense to me
because I thought that traveling alone
would be an incredible opportunity to meet people.
I could also celebrate my 40th birthday far away.
I’d have the opportunity to connect with new people
and maybe, why not, with my own self.
And although some people thought
that it did not make any sense,
I bought a flight ticket to Zambia.
I embarked on that trip
without any planning whatsoever.
I knew nothing about my destinations.
But I was certain that the people
that I would meet on that trip would teach me about culture,
habits,
what they enjoyed listening to, eating,
their hobbies, their work.
They would make my trip richer.
Much more than if I had simply read a travel guide book.
So I set to myself the following mission:
Get to know a lot of interesting people.
With this same intention, I want to invite you
to join me on this journey and have this experience,
through which I learned two key lessons
to meeting interesting people.
Will you do that?
Yes?
Let’s go.
I borrowed a hat, threw stuff in a backpack,
got my ticket to Zambia and headed to the airport.
At the airport, I checked in my luggage and boarded the plane.
I looked for my seat,
and when I got to it, a very good-looking gringo
stands up so that I can reach my seat.
I smile, embarrassed, and thank him.
I take my seat, fasten the seat belt …
and relax.
This is a lie.
The problem when you go away to get away for a while
is that your own self comes along.
(Laughter)
And you …
don’t tag along quietly or meditating.
You tag along with suggestions!
(Laughter)
“Hey, Karina, good-looking gringo, won’t you to talk to him?”
“Why would I talk to him?”
“Aren’t you here to meet people? You must talk to him. This is the trip.”
“But the trip hasn’t started yet, I’m still on the plane.” (Laughter)
“The trip has started, you’re on the plane!”
“I’ll only talk to him in Africa!”
“I’m not leaving until you talk to him!”
“OK, OK, I will talk to him. But what will I say?”
Alright, let’s do this.
“Hi, I am Karina. I’m experiencing an existential crisis.” Nope.
(Laughter)
“Hi, I’m Karina. Do you come here often?”
Nope. We’re on a plane. This won’t work.
I thought a lot of things to say and came up with a great idea.
I asked him, “Where are you from?”
You know what he answered?
Nothing. He was asleep.
(Laughter)
Ten hours later, the sleepy head wakes up.
We start talking, he hands me his business card
and invites me to share a glass of wine when I come by the city where he lives.
I go my way, he goes his, we say goodbye.
I arrive in Zambia, Africa.
As I didn’t know what would happen, how would I talk to people,
I brought some cards
to play a sort of game.
I wanted to confirm my theory
that if you start a conversation with an interesting question,
you increase your chances of having an interesting conversation.
These are some of the questions:
“If money wasn’t an issue, how would you live?”
“Do you have any superstitions?”
“What was the last time that you cried from laughing so much?”
I had this on my mind while riding a bus,
crossing the Zambia-Botswana border
when I met a couple from the US –
believe it or not – who were there
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
And against all my beliefs about marriage, they looked into each other’s eyes,
they were so much in love,
they walked hand in hand, it was so weird.
(Laughter)
I approached them and asked, “Would you take part on my experiment?
I’m doing research …”
They accepted, they were amazing.
The first card that she drew with a question for him was:
“Do you regret not having done something in your life because you were afraid?”
He said yes.
He regretted not moving to Australia when they had the opportunity to do so.
And then a beautiful conversation starts between them
about fears, frustrations,
the implications of that decision in their lives.
And then they started talking,
“Why don’t we go to Australia now?
Our children are grown up, our parents are well.”
It was wonderful, they cried, they hugged each other …
They were the sort of couple who holds hands so it was amazing!
(Laughter)
And I had many conversations of this kind and it was wonderful.
But there was one character that really stuck with me.
An older man …
Oops, I’m sorry, I forgot this part:
the first lesson that I learned.
You must ask interesting questions.
I found out
that when you start a conversation with an interesting question,
it’s more likely that it will be deep and interesting.
Well …
So let’s move on to the character of this story:
Mr. Charles.
I had just arrived to this new place.
I didn’t know anyone.
So I was in a bad mood, discouraged.
This was me having dinner alone.
Going through age-related and existential crises,
recently-separated, total bad mood.
There was a couple having dinner in front of me,
but I couldn’t see her face, just his.
They didn’t talk to each other, they were just eating in silence.
I looked at the scene and wondered, “What a moody guy … “
Why behave like this, in such a beautiful place?
Obviously he’s like that because they’ve been married for some 60 years.
I’d much rather be here, having dinner alone,
than with a man I don’t talk to.
At that moment, I turned Mr. Charles into my scapegoat.
(Laughter)
Wherever he went, I’d monitor how bad his mood was
and tried to understand how it reverberated inside me.
Well …
I’d like to try an experiment here.
Can we turn on the lights?
I want to ask you, please, to take a good look …
You know when you arrive at a party
and stretch your neck to check out the crowd.
So, scan the crowd, please.
Good.
Now can I ask you to introduce yourselves to one another?
Even if you already know each other.
Introduce yourself.
(Chattering)
Great.
(Chattering)
Can we turn off the lights?
What happened now in just a few seconds
is that our brain made thousands of connections.
And I can guarantee you
that many of these connections were in the form of judgment.
This is what human beings do, guys.
It is nearly impossible to avoid judgment.
And what was I doing to Mr. Charles?
I was judging him.
I was judging him without having exchanged a single word with him.
We were part of the same tour group.
As the day progressed, I sensed that he was very shy and sensitive.
He was observing the birds
while everyone else was looking for lions and elephants.
That very night, his companion approached me and said,
“I noticed for a while that you’re having dinner alone.
Would you like to join us tonight?”
Oh, I had to drop my solitary status,
stop judging him and be brave, I had to leave my comfort zone.
But that was the whole purpose of my trip.
So I had dinner with my escapegoat.
They came from Australia and they were not married.
They had just met themselves
on a dating website.
(Laughter)
He was born in Zimbabwe,
from where he fled
after fighting in the Rhodesia Civil War.
In that same savannah where we moved around on noisy jeeps
carrying our photo cameras, he walked there already,
carrying a weapon and praying not to be killed by an enemy.
He moved around quietly because he didn’t want to be found.
That’s why he knew so much about birds.
And I realized that he wasn’t in a bad mood,
he was just so deeply touched.
What would have happened if I remained
stuck in my judgmental corner?
It was my own scapegoat who made my trip richer.
He thought me about local customs, food,
he thought me a few words in Shona,
one of the many languages spoken there.
I experienced, I lived, I climbed from one cultural level to another.
All of that because of one person with whom I connected.
And this was the second lesson that I learned.
Given that it’s very difficult to us to avoid judgment,
let’s avoid the verdict.
When we pass judgment on someone,
we miss the chance of seeing
the other person’s wonder of a universe.
I learned that life
is a shared experience with the world, with others
and with our own self.
I wanted to show you
the last picture I took during that trip.
I first arrived at Cape Town on the back of someone’s motorcycle.
Whose motorcycle?
Well, I had that glass of wine …
(Laughter)
(Applause)
And in addition to seeing Cape Town from the back of a motorcycle,
I experienced a passionate love story.
And the coolest, coolest thing
is that no one needs to go to Africa to meet interesting people.
We can benefit from this right now, at this moment.
Right here!
That’s why I want to ask you
to leave today knowing that this person by your side
has something very interesting to tell you.
And given that we are aware of judgment
why not ask this person an interesting question?
Thank you so much.
(Applause)
Hi!
I just came out of an existential crisis.
In fact, I just went through it
and I managed to survive.
I had separated from a person I love very much.
It was a marriage that I thought would last forever.
I thought that we would age together.
To make it worse, I was about to turn 40
and that was freaking me out.
I felt that I was too old to restart anything.
I know this is not the best way
to introduce myself to anyone or begin a conversation,
but I found out that, when you talk about what is true to you,
your chances of connecting with someone
through that person’s truth increase.
For instance, I’d like to know how many people here in this auditorium
could I have a great conversation with
due to this connection through truth?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever experienced an existential crisis?
If you’re in the middle of a crisis, you can also raise your hand.
(Laughter)
If you don’t have the guts to admit it, you can also raise your hand.
It’s tough, having an existential crisis.
It was too intense for me.
I had depression,
and I developed an autoimmune disease.
I started to believe that I had lost the ability
to connect with my own self, with people who loved me,
and especially with people that I didn’t know well – the “others.”
I felt like dirty rag.
It’s a classic. And what happens when you turn into a rag?
People come pushing,
“My friend, let’s party, forget that stupid crap!”
“My child, throw salt right and left
to scare away the bad vibes!”
“You must meditate for seven days and nights during the full moon,
then get a haircut and everything will be fine.”
And people do this out of love,
not because they are mean.
A lot of suggestions came up,
and being a rag, I just went along.
One of them made a lot of sense.
My sister, who knows me so well, said,
“Go to Africa!”
And that made sense to me
because I thought that traveling alone
would be an incredible opportunity to meet people.
I could also celebrate my 40th birthday far away.
I’d have the opportunity to connect with new people
and maybe, why not, with my own self.
And although some people thought
that it did not make any sense,
I bought a flight ticket to Zambia.
I embarked on that trip
without any planning whatsoever.
I knew nothing about my destinations.
But I was certain that the people
that I would meet on that trip would teach me about culture,
habits,
what they enjoyed listening to, eating,
their hobbies, their work.
They would make my trip richer.
Much more than if I had simply read a travel guide book.
So I set to myself the following mission:
Get to know a lot of interesting people.
With this same intention, I want to invite you
to join me on this journey and have this experience,
through which I learned two key lessons
to meeting interesting people.
Will you do that?
Yes?
Let’s go.
I borrowed a hat, threw stuff in a backpack,
got my ticket to Zambia and headed to the airport.
At the airport, I checked in my luggage and boarded the plane.
I looked for my seat,
and when I got to it, a very good-looking gringo
stands up so that I can reach my seat.
I smile, embarrassed, and thank him.
I take my seat, fasten the seat belt …
and relax.
This is a lie.
The problem when you go away to get away for a while
is that your own self comes along.
(Laughter)
And you …
don’t tag along quietly or meditating.
You tag along with suggestions!
(Laughter)
“Hey, Karina, good-looking gringo, won’t you to talk to him?”
“Why would I talk to him?”
“Aren’t you here to meet people? You must talk to him. This is the trip.”
“But the trip hasn’t started yet, I’m still on the plane.” (Laughter)
“The trip has started, you’re on the plane!”
“I’ll only talk to him in Africa!”
“I’m not leaving until you talk to him!”
“OK, OK, I will talk to him. But what will I say?”
Alright, let’s do this.
“Hi, I am Karina. I’m experiencing an existential crisis.” Nope.
(Laughter)
“Hi, I’m Karina. Do you come here often?”
Nope. We’re on a plane. This won’t work.
I thought a lot of things to say and came up with a great idea.
I asked him, “Where are you from?”
You know what he answered?
Nothing. He was asleep.
(Laughter)
Ten hours later, the sleepy head wakes up.
We start talking, he hands me his business card
and invites me to share a glass of wine when I come by the city where he lives.
I go my way, he goes his, we say goodbye.
I arrive in Zambia, Africa.
As I didn’t know what would happen, how would I talk to people,
I brought some cards
to play a sort of game.
I wanted to confirm my theory
that if you start a conversation with an interesting question,
you increase your chances of having an interesting conversation.
These are some of the questions:
“If money wasn’t an issue, how would you live?”
“Do you have any superstitions?”
“What was the last time that you cried from laughing so much?”
I had this on my mind while riding a bus,
crossing the Zambia-Botswana border
when I met a couple from the US –
believe it or not – who were there
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
And against all my beliefs about marriage, they looked into each other’s eyes,
they were so much in love,
they walked hand in hand, it was so weird.
(Laughter)
I approached them and asked, “Would you take part on my experiment?
I’m doing research …”
They accepted, they were amazing.
The first card that she drew with a question for him was:
“Do you regret not having done something in your life because you were afraid?”
He said yes.
He regretted not moving to Australia when they had the opportunity to do so.
And then a beautiful conversation starts between them
about fears, frustrations,
the implications of that decision in their lives.
And then they started talking,
“Why don’t we go to Australia now?
Our children are grown up, our parents are well.”
It was wonderful, they cried, they hugged each other …
They were the sort of couple who holds hands so it was amazing!
(Laughter)
And I had many conversations of this kind and it was wonderful.
But there was one character that really stuck with me.
An older man …
Oops, I’m sorry, I forgot this part:
the first lesson that I learned.
You must ask interesting questions.
I found out
that when you start a conversation with an interesting question,
it’s more likely that it will be deep and interesting.
Well …
So let’s move on to the character of this story:
Mr. Charles.
I had just arrived to this new place.
I didn’t know anyone.
So I was in a bad mood, discouraged.
This was me having dinner alone.
Going through age-related and existential crises,
recently-separated, total bad mood.
There was a couple having dinner in front of me,
but I couldn’t see her face, just his.
They didn’t talk to each other, they were just eating in silence.
I looked at the scene and wondered, “What a moody guy … “
Why behave like this, in such a beautiful place?
Obviously he’s like that because they’ve been married for some 60 years.
I’d much rather be here, having dinner alone,
than with a man I don’t talk to.
At that moment, I turned Mr. Charles into my scapegoat.
(Laughter)
Wherever he went, I’d monitor how bad his mood was
and tried to understand how it reverberated inside me.
Well …
I’d like to try an experiment here.
Can we turn on the lights?
I want to ask you, please, to take a good look …
You know when you arrive at a party
and stretch your neck to check out the crowd.
So, scan the crowd, please.
Good.
Now can I ask you to introduce yourselves to one another?
Even if you already know each other.
Introduce yourself.
(Chattering)
Great.
(Chattering)
Can we turn off the lights?
What happened now in just a few seconds
is that our brain made thousands of connections.
And I can guarantee you
that many of these connections were in the form of judgment.
This is what human beings do, guys.
It is nearly impossible to avoid judgment.
And what was I doing to Mr. Charles?
I was judging him.
I was judging him without having exchanged a single word with him.
We were part of the same tour group.
As the day progressed, I sensed that he was very shy and sensitive.
He was observing the birds
while everyone else was looking for lions and elephants.
That very night, his companion approached me and said,
“I noticed for a while that you’re having dinner alone.
Would you like to join us tonight?”
Oh, I had to drop my solitary status,
stop judging him and be brave, I had to leave my comfort zone.
But that was the whole purpose of my trip.
So I had dinner with my escapegoat.
They came from Australia and they were not married.
They had just met themselves
on a dating website.
(Laughter)
He was born in Zimbabwe,
from where he fled
after fighting in the Rhodesia Civil War.
In that same savannah where we moved around on noisy jeeps
carrying our photo cameras, he walked there already,
carrying a weapon and praying not to be killed by an enemy.
He moved around quietly because he didn’t want to be found.
That’s why he knew so much about birds.
And I realized that he wasn’t in a bad mood,
he was just so deeply touched.
What would have happened if I remained
stuck in my judgmental corner?
It was my own scapegoat who made my trip richer.
He thought me about local customs, food,
he thought me a few words in Shona,
one of the many languages spoken there.
I experienced, I lived, I climbed from one cultural level to another.
All of that because of one person with whom I connected.
And this was the second lesson that I learned.
Given that it’s very difficult to us to avoid judgment,
let’s avoid the verdict.
When we pass judgment on someone,
we miss the chance of seeing
the other person’s wonder of a universe.
I learned that life
is a shared experience with the world, with others
and with our own self.
I wanted to show you
the last picture I took during that trip.
I first arrived at Cape Town on the back of someone’s motorcycle.
Whose motorcycle?
Well, I had that glass of wine …
(Laughter)
(Applause)
And in addition to seeing Cape Town from the back of a motorcycle,
I experienced a passionate love story.
And the coolest, coolest thing
is that no one needs to go to Africa to meet interesting people.
We can benefit from this right now, at this moment.
Right here!
That’s why I want to ask you
to leave today knowing that this person by your side
has something very interesting to tell you.
And given that we are aware of judgment
why not ask this person an interesting question?
Thank you so much.
(Applause)
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