good afternoon many of you here today
are a part of communities at
international schools so I’m sure you’ve
heard about 21st century skills among
them are critical thinking creativity
communication collaboration along with
media skills technology skills and more
I think these skills are not only
important for my children and students
in schools by in math but also for
myself if I’m going to survive in a job
market 10 years from now with all of you
in generation C I’ve got to work on the
choir and maintaining these skills to
you and yet I think there is a flip side
or an ugly side to some of these skills
and today I want to specifically talk
about collaborations ugly side which is
conflict conflict is inherent in
collaboration as I would even posit
you’re not really collaborating if
there’s no conflict during the last
school or work project where you had
members assigned to your team did
everyone get along did anyone have an
opinion that differed from yours was
there an argument about who is going to
be the team leader of course in reality
conflict is healthy it brings us to
crossroads where we have to make a
choice are going to do this or are we
going to do this we’re going to pick a
third option and try both we all
experience conflict within ourselves
within our families schools and
workplaces but not all conflicts allow
you to the reset button like flunking a
college course there are many ways to
deal with conflict and we’ve all heard
of some of those ways for example
explosive anger all of this someone all
of a sudden someone blows up and it’s
because they’ve been internalizing these
conflicts they experience without any
appropriate
outlet you see anger is a reaction to
conflict when really successfully
dealing with that conflict would help
alleviate some of that anger anger is
frustration it’s not getting what you
want another way we’ve probably all
heard about is passive aggressiveness as
a way to subvert authority that misuses
power it’s a sneaky type of anger that
causes more complex to provoke more
anger and you’re never really sure whose
fault it really is now as much as anger
management classes and counseling are
helpful in dealing with some of these
inappropriate ways of handling anger
conflict is multifaceted and pops up in
many different circumstances with many
different outcomes something I don’t
hear talked about as much in relation to
comp collaboration conflict and anger is
making peace making peace is when you
have a conflict with to at least two
people but one or more involved pretends
that nothing is wrong in the face of
confrontation think about the last
conflict you had with the peer that was
left unresolved and later you felt that
relationship was broken but you still
had to see that person from time to time
at work or at school it’s hard to look
that person in the eyes it’s hard to
talk without feeling awkward even though
when you talk it might be civil and
polite in some cases you might be
walking down the hallway see that person
coming from the other way and turn
around and walk the other way
or you might hide by the water cooler or
the locker just avoid for their
awkwardness that’s faking peace you can
feel that something has deeply fractured
their relationship but you might not
know why and you can’t pinpoint one
specific reason there’s no clear way to
fix the relationship either and the
workplace it might look like this the
team manager proposes a project everyone
gives positive feedback
the project absolutely flops the company
loses tons of money and the tea manager
might lose his job
what happened the people on his team
fear him or they believed based on prior
history he wouldn’t listen to what they
had to say so they went along with his
wishes they decided that the cost of
trying to convince him that his idea was
flawed was not worth a work a strain of
work relationship
who knows how he would have reacted and
if he lost his job due to a failed plan
that I might actually give them the
chance I have a better team manager at a
school it might look like this a group
of hard-working teachers have their
contracts up for renewal
they don’t make demands they don’t
complain they simply decide not to renew
and move on to a different school
there’s something wrong here
there’s something underneath that shows
they’ve been faking peace these teachers
are invested in schools and so if a
large group is silently and suddenly
leaving someone in leadership has made
it hard for them to be teachers at that
school on the outside thinking peace
looks like a great way to deal with
conflict everyone is acting
professionally no one’s feelings are
hurt and the person who doesn’t agree
doesn’t have to go through the messy
process of conduct there are no personal
risks and everything is kept up status
quo making peace is often employed by
the subordinate in a power relationship
these these people in leadership have
caused those they lead to employ faking
peace as a mechanism mechanism of
survival and unfortunately these
students children and employees take
this with them into other relationships
which is where you’ll find it with peers
I often found myself as a child thinking
key
in one relationship with one of my
parents I felt I couldn’t be vulnerable
and so I pretended everything was fine
even when asked the cost of conflict
cause greater harm to me than actually
dealing with it parents who allow her
fake peace and childhood end up with
adult children who want to have a large
emotional distance from their parents
but their parents don’t know why bosses
who allow for fake peace in the
workplace end up with uncle employees
who quit projects that fail and there’s
no clear reason and the problem with
baking peace is that people who are
skilled in this mechanism easily come up
with plausible reasons for why there’s
nothing wrong in the relationship in the
first place for example why are you
leaving this company I just got a better
opportunity or I wanted to go get my
masters but it’s not just those and the
power side of the relationship who miss
out when fake peace is employed it’s
also those who are employing this
mechanism who miss out on genuine
collaboration and vulnerable
relationships they’re unintentionally
wasting company resources they’re giving
a verdict before the con the crossroads
they’re saying to those in authority you
can’t change you have hurt me and you
will always hurt me and you never say
sorry but whether you’re a manager a
teacher or a parent it’s actually those
on the power side of the relationship to
open up the flow of communication to
destroy fake peace we have to make a
safe space for those on the vulnerable
side of the power relationship to
express their concerns and their fears
without fear of reprimand and just as
much as the beautiful side of
collaboration is a skill to be learned
so is properly dealing with the ugly
side so heads of school
and company’s principals and managers
when is the last time you asked those
you lead how am i doing as a leader when
I was the managing editor a Beijing kid
magazine I asked those on my team every
month how I was doing as a leader I
received candid answers that help me
find to my leadership and it
strengthened my relationship with those
on my team but I didn’t just ask when
everything was peaceful
I also asked at a conflict I did this
because I have forgotten how it felt to
be led I couldn’t see if my actions
would want to cause someone to employ a
fake piece I asked things like how could
have communicated better to avoid this
conflict did I respect you is there
anything I could have done better
parents when is the last time you sat
your child down and asked how do you
know I love you when is the last time I
hurt you and do you feel I reconciled
that how could I do better as a parent
maybe you can’t ask a two-year-old for
their opinions about parenting but
certainly a preteen and teenager has
been around enough of other parents to
know if you’re a good parent or a bad
parent if you’re preparing them for the
world outside of your home or if you’re
keeping them in an unexplained bubble my
husband and I even ask this of our five
and six year old and if you believe that
appear has been employing fake peace
with you simply start the conversation
with I feel like there might not be
something right between us I hope you’ll
give me the opportunity to reconcile
with you if I’ve hurt you it might be a
little scary to think about how your
employee student or friend will respond
to you but I know that the cost of fake
peace
greater than the awkwardness of a
momentary conflict thank you [Applause]
are a part of communities at
international schools so I’m sure you’ve
heard about 21st century skills among
them are critical thinking creativity
communication collaboration along with
media skills technology skills and more
I think these skills are not only
important for my children and students
in schools by in math but also for
myself if I’m going to survive in a job
market 10 years from now with all of you
in generation C I’ve got to work on the
choir and maintaining these skills to
you and yet I think there is a flip side
or an ugly side to some of these skills
and today I want to specifically talk
about collaborations ugly side which is
conflict conflict is inherent in
collaboration as I would even posit
you’re not really collaborating if
there’s no conflict during the last
school or work project where you had
members assigned to your team did
everyone get along did anyone have an
opinion that differed from yours was
there an argument about who is going to
be the team leader of course in reality
conflict is healthy it brings us to
crossroads where we have to make a
choice are going to do this or are we
going to do this we’re going to pick a
third option and try both we all
experience conflict within ourselves
within our families schools and
workplaces but not all conflicts allow
you to the reset button like flunking a
college course there are many ways to
deal with conflict and we’ve all heard
of some of those ways for example
explosive anger all of this someone all
of a sudden someone blows up and it’s
because they’ve been internalizing these
conflicts they experience without any
appropriate
outlet you see anger is a reaction to
conflict when really successfully
dealing with that conflict would help
alleviate some of that anger anger is
frustration it’s not getting what you
want another way we’ve probably all
heard about is passive aggressiveness as
a way to subvert authority that misuses
power it’s a sneaky type of anger that
causes more complex to provoke more
anger and you’re never really sure whose
fault it really is now as much as anger
management classes and counseling are
helpful in dealing with some of these
inappropriate ways of handling anger
conflict is multifaceted and pops up in
many different circumstances with many
different outcomes something I don’t
hear talked about as much in relation to
comp collaboration conflict and anger is
making peace making peace is when you
have a conflict with to at least two
people but one or more involved pretends
that nothing is wrong in the face of
confrontation think about the last
conflict you had with the peer that was
left unresolved and later you felt that
relationship was broken but you still
had to see that person from time to time
at work or at school it’s hard to look
that person in the eyes it’s hard to
talk without feeling awkward even though
when you talk it might be civil and
polite in some cases you might be
walking down the hallway see that person
coming from the other way and turn
around and walk the other way
or you might hide by the water cooler or
the locker just avoid for their
awkwardness that’s faking peace you can
feel that something has deeply fractured
their relationship but you might not
know why and you can’t pinpoint one
specific reason there’s no clear way to
fix the relationship either and the
workplace it might look like this the
team manager proposes a project everyone
gives positive feedback
the project absolutely flops the company
loses tons of money and the tea manager
might lose his job
what happened the people on his team
fear him or they believed based on prior
history he wouldn’t listen to what they
had to say so they went along with his
wishes they decided that the cost of
trying to convince him that his idea was
flawed was not worth a work a strain of
work relationship
who knows how he would have reacted and
if he lost his job due to a failed plan
that I might actually give them the
chance I have a better team manager at a
school it might look like this a group
of hard-working teachers have their
contracts up for renewal
they don’t make demands they don’t
complain they simply decide not to renew
and move on to a different school
there’s something wrong here
there’s something underneath that shows
they’ve been faking peace these teachers
are invested in schools and so if a
large group is silently and suddenly
leaving someone in leadership has made
it hard for them to be teachers at that
school on the outside thinking peace
looks like a great way to deal with
conflict everyone is acting
professionally no one’s feelings are
hurt and the person who doesn’t agree
doesn’t have to go through the messy
process of conduct there are no personal
risks and everything is kept up status
quo making peace is often employed by
the subordinate in a power relationship
these these people in leadership have
caused those they lead to employ faking
peace as a mechanism mechanism of
survival and unfortunately these
students children and employees take
this with them into other relationships
which is where you’ll find it with peers
I often found myself as a child thinking
key
in one relationship with one of my
parents I felt I couldn’t be vulnerable
and so I pretended everything was fine
even when asked the cost of conflict
cause greater harm to me than actually
dealing with it parents who allow her
fake peace and childhood end up with
adult children who want to have a large
emotional distance from their parents
but their parents don’t know why bosses
who allow for fake peace in the
workplace end up with uncle employees
who quit projects that fail and there’s
no clear reason and the problem with
baking peace is that people who are
skilled in this mechanism easily come up
with plausible reasons for why there’s
nothing wrong in the relationship in the
first place for example why are you
leaving this company I just got a better
opportunity or I wanted to go get my
masters but it’s not just those and the
power side of the relationship who miss
out when fake peace is employed it’s
also those who are employing this
mechanism who miss out on genuine
collaboration and vulnerable
relationships they’re unintentionally
wasting company resources they’re giving
a verdict before the con the crossroads
they’re saying to those in authority you
can’t change you have hurt me and you
will always hurt me and you never say
sorry but whether you’re a manager a
teacher or a parent it’s actually those
on the power side of the relationship to
open up the flow of communication to
destroy fake peace we have to make a
safe space for those on the vulnerable
side of the power relationship to
express their concerns and their fears
without fear of reprimand and just as
much as the beautiful side of
collaboration is a skill to be learned
so is properly dealing with the ugly
side so heads of school
and company’s principals and managers
when is the last time you asked those
you lead how am i doing as a leader when
I was the managing editor a Beijing kid
magazine I asked those on my team every
month how I was doing as a leader I
received candid answers that help me
find to my leadership and it
strengthened my relationship with those
on my team but I didn’t just ask when
everything was peaceful
I also asked at a conflict I did this
because I have forgotten how it felt to
be led I couldn’t see if my actions
would want to cause someone to employ a
fake piece I asked things like how could
have communicated better to avoid this
conflict did I respect you is there
anything I could have done better
parents when is the last time you sat
your child down and asked how do you
know I love you when is the last time I
hurt you and do you feel I reconciled
that how could I do better as a parent
maybe you can’t ask a two-year-old for
their opinions about parenting but
certainly a preteen and teenager has
been around enough of other parents to
know if you’re a good parent or a bad
parent if you’re preparing them for the
world outside of your home or if you’re
keeping them in an unexplained bubble my
husband and I even ask this of our five
and six year old and if you believe that
appear has been employing fake peace
with you simply start the conversation
with I feel like there might not be
something right between us I hope you’ll
give me the opportunity to reconcile
with you if I’ve hurt you it might be a
little scary to think about how your
employee student or friend will respond
to you but I know that the cost of fake
peace
greater than the awkwardness of a
momentary conflict thank you [Applause]
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