[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you are so fat I hate this body you’re
such an idiot how could you be so stupid
look at you you’re disgusting
it’s a little embarrassing for me to
have you listening to the thoughts in my
head but my thoughts are with me all the
time when I’m meeting someone new when
I’m with an old friend when I’m standing
in front of you on the Ted stage and
when my thoughts talked to me like that
I feel awful I get this knot in the pit
of my stomach my throat begins to shut
down and I just want to disappear and I
feel like I’m about that’s Tom do you
have voices yeah
deers talk to you like that in a few
minutes I’m gonna ask you to consider
changing your perspective one of the
hardest things I think there ever is to
do it is a challenge I give myself every
day and some days I’m better at it than
others but I can tell you from
experience that if it’s something you’re
willing to consider doing and just step
into it is the very best thing you can
ever do for yourself in my work as an
image and presence coach and consultant
I have the opportunity to work with
amazing beautiful brilliant women
hundreds of them all ages all roles
different circumstances and situations
and it’s so interesting to me because
they’re so different but there’s always
one consistent thing that I can count on
with each of them and that is every
single one of them will have something
critical to say about herself they push
and they prod and they poke and they got
too much of this no not enough of that
but they always have multiple things to
say about themselves they don’t
like they don’t think they’re enough
Glamour magazine did a study in their
readership and what they discovered was
that 97% of women will say at least one
mean thing to themselves about
themselves every day and the average was
closer to 15 15 things that we say to
ourselves to be mean to ourselves
the other interesting thing to me in
working with these women is that we all
have a need to call it out to make sure
that I say it before you see it I do it
all the time I catch myself someone will
say teen you look great today and I will
say oh look at these bags under my eyes
and do you know I spent a whole minute
in the mirror this morning trying to get
this spot off my face and then I
realized it’s a new age spot it is
interesting that things that we do to
ourselves so I really decided to get to
the bottom of this where does this come
from why do we do this to ourselves it’s
easy for us to look at the media and
blame them and there’s a lot of that
happening these days and it’s absolutely
true that in the images that they
present to us where there are only 5% of
women that we see ourselves the other
95% of us we don’t see ourselves at all
in those images so there are a lot of
movements toward body acceptance and I
fully support those I think those are
wonderful we’re hearing more and more
about them but I need to say for me
there’s something about that word
acceptance the cast sticks in my craw a
little bit the definition of acceptance
is the perception of being adequate know
about you but adequate to me feels kind
of flat telling oh yeah you know if I
can’t have anything better I guess I’ll
accept it I think there has to be
something more
so it’s interesting because when we
begin to look at where these thoughts in
our head come from I think the majority
they come from the voices in our heads
and our voices come from our experiences
now I don’t mean to minimize the
complexity of this because there are
hundreds and hundreds of experiences
that create these voices in our heads I
was breaking up with a man and the man
died was ending their relationship with
said horrible mean terrible abusive
things to me about how ugly I was and
how what a horrible person I was and how
I didn’t deserve him and my logical
brain said see he’s this is why you do
not need to be in this relationship he
is not good for you and you did not
deserve this there was this little tiny
part of me way deep inside that heard
him and believed every word he said and
it’s the same part of me that believed
my ex-husband when he told me I could
lose a few pounds to look better and
believed my college boyfriend when he
said I’d be prettier if I were blonde
and believed my mother when she when I
was in that terrible puberty stage when
she called me her ugly duckling and a
hundred other experiences that
contributed to that little place and
that little place inside of me I call
her Drusilla because she’s my mean
stepsister
Drusilla remembers every word that was
said and she repeats it to me regularly
she shows up all the time so we have
these voices in her head Drucilla’s
talking in my head all the time over and
over and we play these tapes and we play
them and we begin to believe them and it
impacts our perception of ourself there
is a study that was done published in
the journal
personality and social psychology
published in 2015 and what they
discovered was that in every country in
the world women have lower self-esteem
than men but here’s what’s fascinating
about this research the more
industrialized a country is the wider
the gap between how little women think
of themselves and how highly men think
of themselves what is wrong with that
the more educated we are the less we
think of ourselves so our self
perception impacts how we show up in the
world that begins to erode our
self-confidence our self-esteem and it
impacts our powerful ability to show up
the price tag that we are paying for
this is a really high one there are a
couple pieces of research that I’d like
to additionally share with you just to
talk about the price tag that we are
paying for maintaining this self
perception the first one published in
the Journal of economic psychology in
2011 talks about the impact of
self-esteem on earnings what they
discovered in this research is that
self-esteem the character trait of
self-esteem has equal if not greater
impact than education and skill level on
our earnings in other words our low
self-esteem is directly impacting our
pocketbook well I don’t like that very
much I don’t know about you the second
piece of research that I want to share
with you has to do with self-esteem in
relationships
this one published in the Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology in
2013 talks about the impact of low
self-esteem when you’re in relationship
with someone whether it’s your partner
whether it’s another person but people
with low self-esteem
put that on other people so we begin to
project what we see is our imperfections
on that other person and we tend to live
in a really black-and-white world
the relationship is either good or bad I
would attest I would be willing to bet
that my ex-husband would attest to the
fact that the standards I set for our
relationship were ones that neither one
of us could live up to so I really began
to look at the price that I personally
was paying to maintain this level of
self-esteem for myself and I think I
really had to face some serious facts
about the fact business opportunities
that I have not pursued because Drusilla
told me I was not smart and I was not
capable enough for them and
relationships that I have not been
willing to step into because Drusilla
told me I was ugly and stupid and they
wouldn’t want me that makes me sad to
think about and I decided to choose no
more this low self-esteem that I have
created for myself no more so I began to
look at what are the things that perhaps
I could do to maybe shift that and I
have a couple of ideas things that I’ve
been playing with that I’d like to
present suggest to you the first one has
to do with our bodies and how we
perceive our bodies so what if more than
body acceptance we moved into body
integration what if our bodies are our
teachers our partners
what if our bodies are the way we get to
show our giftedness to the world so as
an example my wrinkly gold eyes are wise
and perceptive and seeing the brilliance
in other people and the brilliance of me
and my expanding waistline is just a
demonstration of the comfort level that
I am developing with other people
I can it is integration it is more than
acceptance it’s only what we have and
the gifts that we bring and how we show
up in the world the second idea that I
have is about those voices now I’m
really clear
Jers illa has set up permanent residence
in my head and she’s not going anywhere
so rather than try to evict her which
I’ve tried multiple times doesn’t work
very well I brought in a roommate
[Laughter]
Jacqueline is my strong powerful
courageous woman she is me at my
brilliant best and so now rather than
having a monologue in my head we have
dialogues so Jews Phyllis says you’re
such an idiot and Jacqueline says look
at what a wonderful role model you are
at recovering quickly from mistakes and
Drusilla says up look at your flabby
chin and how your face is just sagging
as you get older and Jacqueline says
look at how wonderfully you have
softened your need for perfectionism
[Applause]
Drusilla says look at those back wings
and Jacqueline says all the better to
fly I do look and how beautiful you look
in that gorgeous color you really made a
difference in her life good job
you’re a bright light living out your
purpose I’m so proud of you I refuse any
longer to live in the shadow of my own
creation of not good enough itis it is
not worth it I really hope you’ll join
me
[Applause]
you
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you are so fat I hate this body you’re
such an idiot how could you be so stupid
look at you you’re disgusting
it’s a little embarrassing for me to
have you listening to the thoughts in my
head but my thoughts are with me all the
time when I’m meeting someone new when
I’m with an old friend when I’m standing
in front of you on the Ted stage and
when my thoughts talked to me like that
I feel awful I get this knot in the pit
of my stomach my throat begins to shut
down and I just want to disappear and I
feel like I’m about that’s Tom do you
have voices yeah
deers talk to you like that in a few
minutes I’m gonna ask you to consider
changing your perspective one of the
hardest things I think there ever is to
do it is a challenge I give myself every
day and some days I’m better at it than
others but I can tell you from
experience that if it’s something you’re
willing to consider doing and just step
into it is the very best thing you can
ever do for yourself in my work as an
image and presence coach and consultant
I have the opportunity to work with
amazing beautiful brilliant women
hundreds of them all ages all roles
different circumstances and situations
and it’s so interesting to me because
they’re so different but there’s always
one consistent thing that I can count on
with each of them and that is every
single one of them will have something
critical to say about herself they push
and they prod and they poke and they got
too much of this no not enough of that
but they always have multiple things to
say about themselves they don’t
like they don’t think they’re enough
Glamour magazine did a study in their
readership and what they discovered was
that 97% of women will say at least one
mean thing to themselves about
themselves every day and the average was
closer to 15 15 things that we say to
ourselves to be mean to ourselves
the other interesting thing to me in
working with these women is that we all
have a need to call it out to make sure
that I say it before you see it I do it
all the time I catch myself someone will
say teen you look great today and I will
say oh look at these bags under my eyes
and do you know I spent a whole minute
in the mirror this morning trying to get
this spot off my face and then I
realized it’s a new age spot it is
interesting that things that we do to
ourselves so I really decided to get to
the bottom of this where does this come
from why do we do this to ourselves it’s
easy for us to look at the media and
blame them and there’s a lot of that
happening these days and it’s absolutely
true that in the images that they
present to us where there are only 5% of
women that we see ourselves the other
95% of us we don’t see ourselves at all
in those images so there are a lot of
movements toward body acceptance and I
fully support those I think those are
wonderful we’re hearing more and more
about them but I need to say for me
there’s something about that word
acceptance the cast sticks in my craw a
little bit the definition of acceptance
is the perception of being adequate know
about you but adequate to me feels kind
of flat telling oh yeah you know if I
can’t have anything better I guess I’ll
accept it I think there has to be
something more
so it’s interesting because when we
begin to look at where these thoughts in
our head come from I think the majority
they come from the voices in our heads
and our voices come from our experiences
now I don’t mean to minimize the
complexity of this because there are
hundreds and hundreds of experiences
that create these voices in our heads I
was breaking up with a man and the man
died was ending their relationship with
said horrible mean terrible abusive
things to me about how ugly I was and
how what a horrible person I was and how
I didn’t deserve him and my logical
brain said see he’s this is why you do
not need to be in this relationship he
is not good for you and you did not
deserve this there was this little tiny
part of me way deep inside that heard
him and believed every word he said and
it’s the same part of me that believed
my ex-husband when he told me I could
lose a few pounds to look better and
believed my college boyfriend when he
said I’d be prettier if I were blonde
and believed my mother when she when I
was in that terrible puberty stage when
she called me her ugly duckling and a
hundred other experiences that
contributed to that little place and
that little place inside of me I call
her Drusilla because she’s my mean
stepsister
Drusilla remembers every word that was
said and she repeats it to me regularly
she shows up all the time so we have
these voices in her head Drucilla’s
talking in my head all the time over and
over and we play these tapes and we play
them and we begin to believe them and it
impacts our perception of ourself there
is a study that was done published in
the journal
personality and social psychology
published in 2015 and what they
discovered was that in every country in
the world women have lower self-esteem
than men but here’s what’s fascinating
about this research the more
industrialized a country is the wider
the gap between how little women think
of themselves and how highly men think
of themselves what is wrong with that
the more educated we are the less we
think of ourselves so our self
perception impacts how we show up in the
world that begins to erode our
self-confidence our self-esteem and it
impacts our powerful ability to show up
the price tag that we are paying for
this is a really high one there are a
couple pieces of research that I’d like
to additionally share with you just to
talk about the price tag that we are
paying for maintaining this self
perception the first one published in
the Journal of economic psychology in
2011 talks about the impact of
self-esteem on earnings what they
discovered in this research is that
self-esteem the character trait of
self-esteem has equal if not greater
impact than education and skill level on
our earnings in other words our low
self-esteem is directly impacting our
pocketbook well I don’t like that very
much I don’t know about you the second
piece of research that I want to share
with you has to do with self-esteem in
relationships
this one published in the Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology in
2013 talks about the impact of low
self-esteem when you’re in relationship
with someone whether it’s your partner
whether it’s another person but people
with low self-esteem
put that on other people so we begin to
project what we see is our imperfections
on that other person and we tend to live
in a really black-and-white world
the relationship is either good or bad I
would attest I would be willing to bet
that my ex-husband would attest to the
fact that the standards I set for our
relationship were ones that neither one
of us could live up to so I really began
to look at the price that I personally
was paying to maintain this level of
self-esteem for myself and I think I
really had to face some serious facts
about the fact business opportunities
that I have not pursued because Drusilla
told me I was not smart and I was not
capable enough for them and
relationships that I have not been
willing to step into because Drusilla
told me I was ugly and stupid and they
wouldn’t want me that makes me sad to
think about and I decided to choose no
more this low self-esteem that I have
created for myself no more so I began to
look at what are the things that perhaps
I could do to maybe shift that and I
have a couple of ideas things that I’ve
been playing with that I’d like to
present suggest to you the first one has
to do with our bodies and how we
perceive our bodies so what if more than
body acceptance we moved into body
integration what if our bodies are our
teachers our partners
what if our bodies are the way we get to
show our giftedness to the world so as
an example my wrinkly gold eyes are wise
and perceptive and seeing the brilliance
in other people and the brilliance of me
and my expanding waistline is just a
demonstration of the comfort level that
I am developing with other people
I can it is integration it is more than
acceptance it’s only what we have and
the gifts that we bring and how we show
up in the world the second idea that I
have is about those voices now I’m
really clear
Jers illa has set up permanent residence
in my head and she’s not going anywhere
so rather than try to evict her which
I’ve tried multiple times doesn’t work
very well I brought in a roommate
[Laughter]
Jacqueline is my strong powerful
courageous woman she is me at my
brilliant best and so now rather than
having a monologue in my head we have
dialogues so Jews Phyllis says you’re
such an idiot and Jacqueline says look
at what a wonderful role model you are
at recovering quickly from mistakes and
Drusilla says up look at your flabby
chin and how your face is just sagging
as you get older and Jacqueline says
look at how wonderfully you have
softened your need for perfectionism
[Applause]
Drusilla says look at those back wings
and Jacqueline says all the better to
fly I do look and how beautiful you look
in that gorgeous color you really made a
difference in her life good job
you’re a bright light living out your
purpose I’m so proud of you I refuse any
longer to live in the shadow of my own
creation of not good enough itis it is
not worth it I really hope you’ll join
me
[Applause]
you
[Music]
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