seen a girl with glasses ever so big it
took up half her face while the lower
half was filled with a lot of metal I
had metal braces and it came with a
tasteful neck gear that was basically a
piece of wire that went into one side my
mouth out around my neck and in the
other side now SSL wasn’t enough I
decided to complete the look by wearing
my older brother’s hand-me-downs as
where as clipping this huge bow on the
top of my ponytail every single morning
now every time I shared this story with
my friends they would look at me and say
oh man you must have had a lonely
childhood I don’t blame them I
personally would have thought so myself
except it wasn’t I learned at a young
age you are never lonely if you can
connect I guess I have my father to
thank when he was a child
my great-uncle approached my grandfather
and told him that he was gonna leave
China he wanted to build a better future
for himself so he told my grandfather I
can take one child claim it as my own
and give that one child a better life my
grandfather chose my father
it was between him and his younger
sister at a young age of 10 my father
left everything he knew followed his
uncle to a land full of mostly strangers
so growing up it was basically the four
of us my brother me my mom and dad
because eventually he came to Canada
when he was in his early 20s but we were
never lonely my dad had this amazing
ability to connect with people and our
lives and memories were always filled
and surrounded by people that cared and
loved us and that’s when I realized
family didn’t have to be about blood
relations family was something we can
create and from that point on building
connections became a huge part of my
life
I even became a clinical counselor well
building connections is a necessity for
helping others as Natasha said I work at
Vancouver General Hospital’s Takai
Department I provide individual and
group counseling to people struggling
with depression anxiety post-traumatic
stress disorder obsessive-compulsive
disorder adjustment and personality
disorder now before I share my secrets
with you on to how to become a
relationship ninja I have to highlight
sometimes building connections can be
kind of a tricky thing to do it can take
time effort commitment courage I like
today’s conference theme for us to take
the lead one thing I learned as a child
but in order to build strong connections
with others you really have to be
strongly connected with yourself you
have to really know yourself by that I
mean you got to know what you like what
you don’t like what works for you but
doesn’t work for you and of course what
your strengths and weaknesses are as
much as it important to focus and use
our strengths a lot of times we actually
forget it’s just as important to
acknowledge and unconditionally accept
our weaknesses only by embracing our
weaknesses do we actually become more
grounded a more stronger as a person
otherwise you might find yourself
feeling easily offended by people and
you actually might end up coming off
that’s a little bit defensive as a child
I’ll get asked by other kids
occasionally hey what’s on your face and
because I was embarrassed about what I
had to wear I would snarl back with
nothing what’s wrong with yours
now I quickly learned apparently fellas
not the quickest way to be making
friends and honestly wasn’t until I
accepted that my looks were a part of me
and something I couldn’t change for a
while that I actually began to focus on
one of my strengths my sense of humor
went interacting with people and soon
after that I started making many many
friends and despite the fact that I
still look the same I was a much happier
kid and even though people still asked
me that same question and no longer felt
like for digging an open wound instead
it was just another question a lot of
times where we’re building connections
we have a tendency to want to show
people our good side and just our good
side which makes sense we’re trying to
make a good impression hopefully build a
long-lasting connection now take a
moment I want you all to think about
people that you feel closest to you
people that you feel most connected to
take a moment imagine their faces got it
I guarantee they’ve seen your good side
and you’re not so good side it isn’t
until we’re able to us accept and
embrace ourselves for who we really
truly are that others can do so as well
and that’s how we build strong
connections I worked the teenagers for
10 years and I have to say who they
trained me well on this concept don’t
take it personally I talk about non
filtering verbalization if I was to take
everything they said personally I
wouldn’t even be here today I’ll be
living in some remote island try to be
void of any human contact one
interesting thing I actually learned
about this concept just a few years ago
is that sometimes what people say as
much as kind of hurts a little bit
actually might not completely be about
you instead it can be a reflection of
their way of thinking their current
emotional state
are there patterns of behavior one day I
was at work and I had a colleague burst
into my office because they had this
juicy secret she just had to tell me so
I could use a break I listened to the
secret and after she was done on her way
out I remembered she turned around she
looked at me in the eye and said now
remember don’t tell anyone because you
kind of have a big mouth sometimes my
head exploded I’m like did she just say
I had a big mouth me a trained counselor
where confidentiality it’s like the
number-one rule at that time I knew I
had only two choices one I can consult
my colleague ask for more clarification
but I kind of felt like I might be
walking in an open mind field so I just
decided to the next best thing I went to
a colleague I trusted and I told her the
story now of course I did not tell her
the secret otherwise I just confirmed
the accusation that was made of me I
remember her be action she’s like what
no thank goodness if anything she just
told you a juicy secret and everyone
knows if you tell her something the
whole departments gonna know by the end
of the day now I actually didn’t know
that but it felt good to consult in
someone I trust so sometimes if you feel
like someone said something that really
hurt either
ask for clarification or do what I did
ask someone that you trust the next one
is my favorite bad vibes how many you of
you out there just met someone you just
talk to them or you barely know them
maybe had just a few words here and
there but for some reason the moment you
saw them you just did it like them put
up
this you show hands that’s right let’s
be honest okay put it down now for the
sake of my presentation I’m not gonna
ask how many of you had that feeling
when you saw me come out on stage and I
do sincerely apologize if your neighbor
looked at you before putting up their
hat now bad vibes that’s a really
interesting thing we always say oh he
gave me a bad vibe or she’s giving me a
bad vibe but in reality they actually
didn’t they didn’t do anything all they
did was come into your line of vision
what happened was you saw them and then
you decided I don’t like that person and
you labeled them with bad vibes
I remember when I was 16 and I had my
first day of volunteer work at a day
camp and I came home telling my father
how oh there was just other volunteer
that I just didn’t like I remember my
dad looking at me saying why you don’t
even know her I remember looking at my
father in the eye and saying oh you know
how it is you just sometimes meet people
and you don’t like them but you don’t
know them at all and I remember my
father was like he’s like thinking where
did my 16 year old daughter go and how
does she get replaced with this old lady
full of wisdom that just spoke one of
the unsaid truths with human interaction
so all you said was go finish your
Chinese soup so the next time you have a
bad vibe from someone take some time ask
yourself what it is about that person
that really bothered you it might not be
a fun task by guarantee you actually
learn more about yourself now human
beings were all amazing storytellers
every single one of us we tell ourselves
stories all the time someone offs are
loud storytellers some of us are a bit
more quiet storytellers but we tell
ourselves over 50 stories a day about
ourselves about our family about our
friends and even strangers
it’s how we interact with the world now
that’s all fine and dandy until we
forget that their stories and we start
telling ourselves that they are facts
judgments and assumptions sometimes when
I’m working with my clients I’ll point
out oh you just made a judgement or
assumption and to because I didn’t know
I didn’t and a lot of times it could be
a hard thing to catch because at some
point we tell ourselves stories so often
it just became second nature
so judgments usually would have some
evaluative term maybe pretty ugly big
small right or wrong and with
assumptions it usually would have the
word should always and must now I don’t
know about you but I don’t know anyone
that can actually read minds but I do
know a lot of people that don’t
appreciate being judged and don’t
appreciate having assumptions made about
them before I came into this field and
like you most of you as well you might
have to think that counselors cycle a
psychologist therapist they must be
these relationship ninjas DIMP us have
these amazing relationships with family
friends peers and I actually thought so
too in fact if I heard a marriage
counselor was getting a divorce I’ll be
thinking oh maybe that counselors not
too good or which is funny because we
don’t judge a medical doctors ability to
help people but how many times he or she
gets sick but the one thing I realized
when I came to the field was oh there
were two things that I learned one from
the moment you received your training
it’s almost as if someone put these
microscopic glasses on you and you
suddenly see every single characteristic
trait about everybody you see all the
good and well they’re not so attractive
traits as well in fact sometimes I find
that I often have to turn off my brain
when I’m talking to people
otherwise I will start over analyzing
their words and over analyzing the
behavior
that’s when I realized hmm ignorant is
bliss sometimes secondly even though
clinical psychologists and counselors
yes we are equipped with more skills to
overcome social hurdles however it still
takes to to build a connection and no
matter how hard you try if the other
person isn’t putting any effort you
wouldn’t be able to build any
connections next is about it’s all in
the delivery
now there we go a lot of times we kind
of hate communication it feels like such
a pesky thing to do unfortunately we’re
stuck with it and actually at a young
age I realized it’s actually not hard to
be honest with people it’s not what you
say it’s actually how you say it that
ultimately affects the other person
imagine this if you were to give someone
a present which would be better received
one where you shove them a brown paper
bag or one where it was very obvious you
put time and effort into putting the
president into a nicely gift-wrapped box
I think we can all agree on the ladder I
call this communication gift wrapping I
always tell my clients where you’re
trying to tell someone something just
actually take some time put some effort
in think about what is it that you
really want to say try to keep it simple
try not to talk too much around Milan
otherwise people might feel a little
confused and actually misinterpret what
it is you’re actually really trying to
say now we all struggle sometimes but
telling people news that might be bad
what I always suggest is why don’t you
pulls it as a suggestion for exploration
rather than something etched in stone
and it never hurts to highlight why it
is beneficial for this person to know
this new piece of information even if it
hurts I was when he shopping with a
friend of mine and a few years ago and
she was trying on wedding dresses and
after two I remember her looking at me
going oh nothing fits well I feel so fat
I look fat don’t I
I think we all can agree Oh dangerous
position to be in
I remember looking at her and saying
well I just don’t think those stress
tiles suit your body type right now you
think I would have dodged a bullet there
unfortunately she didn’t let me off the
hook and the closest exit was too far
away from me
so she’s like you do think I’m fat don’t
I and I actually ended up sticking to
the facts I asked her right back I’m
like well have you been eating
differently do your clothes feel
different have you been exercising less
and you know what I think you can all
guess I didn’t even have to answer the
question she came to her own conclusion
and she didn’t hate me afterwards either
a lot of times people tell us that I
don’t care if I’m lonely but let’s face
it no one really wants to be lonely and
it’s true we often forget you were
honestly never lonely when you connect
it’s only through connections that
brings out care compassion love empathy
and humanity in all of us unfortunately
it’s when were disconnected that people
do things that hurt themselves and
others in the world like we see in the
news today so I challenge you all here
today over the next break next day next
week next month next year make a
connection you pursue prised at the
impact that can have on you and the
other person for some of you in the
audience you know that I just had my
second child earlier this year I also
have an older daughter named Rachel and
it’s been a challenging task trying to
prepare for this talk and take care of a
newborn son but I figured haha what’s a
better way to build a talk about
building connections than to implement
it on my son
so I practice with him every single day
and it
take me long to get a reaction out of
him I even took a picture I still love
him I didn’t give up remember building
connections takes time sometimes it can
take a lot more effort so I kept going
and I kept trying and I kept trying and
finally I got a different reaction out
of him remember don’t take it personally thank you