up until this fall with almost every
step I took I counted I avoided all
lines on the ground
I couldn’t step on two different types
of surfaces at the same time and I
didn’t allow myself to step with my
right foot more than my left whenever I
was on the move my mind was occupied and
concentrating I wasn’t trying to reach a
daily step goal from my Fitbit noise I
just bored walking from class to class
rather my mind convinced me that if I
stepped on a pebble with my left foot
and didn’t do so with my right foot that
someone I loved would die that might
sound crazy but for me that’s my normal
see I’ve obsessive-compulsive disorder
yes I really did to say that to roomful
my peers teachers friends and family
mental health is rounded by so many
stigmas and stereotypes and the reason
I’m here talking is to help break down
that shameful wall now I imagine when I
said OCD a lot of you might have
pictured obsessive hand washing or
germophobia but OCD isn’t always
obsessively organizing your environment
or constantly cleaning my room my
parents are here they can vouch for that
but for me OCD has controlled my life
for Quine everything I do to be even
symmetrical and checked at least four
times this disorder has two main aspects
to it
the first being categorized into the
obsessive part of OCD these are called
intrusive thoughts intrusive thoughts
are unwanted words images or thoughts
that cause a person anxiety and
unpleasantness but that person isn’t
able to get rid of that thought so for
me a major part of my OCD stems from
what’s called harm OCD this means that a
lot of my intrusive thoughts are fears
or violent images so for example while
walking down the stairs I’ll get an
intrusive image of a person in front of
me tripping and begging my neck or it
could be an intrusive thought while
driving like if your left arm jerked
you’d crash into all those cars now fear
and anxiety are a healthy important part
of life for everyone but when you have
OCD or an anxiety disorder that fear and
anxiety can take over almost every
moment of your life one of my previous
therapists explained it to me like this
everyone has what’s called a worried
bang your work brain plays an important
role by sending off one-nil arms at
appropriate times but then
be dismissed when you can see you’re not
in danger now imagine that word brain as
a magnet for a healthy brain that magnet
will not overpower other thoughts but
with an OCD worry bane that magnet is so
strong it has the ability to overtake
everything at any time even when there’s
no reason for fear so imagine you’re
sitting in class with no external
stressors it’s just a typical day of
math then you get an intrusive image of
your teacher tripping while lecturing
and hitting their head with a healthy
bein you might still get this sob but
you’re able to dismiss it but with an
OCD worry bein that thought will hold
all of your attention causing you to
become extremely overwhelmed with
anxiety preventing you from paying
attention to the task at hand so the
second aspect of this disorder are
compulsions which are categorized into
the yep you kept the compulsive part of
OCD my compulsions are small actions
that I take in order to make things
right
an example of this is reading anything I
bite including this TED talk for extra
times in order to check if I swore or
said something offensive even though I
know I didn’t so it’s normal for people
to reread emails and essays but when you
have OCD that otherwise healthy editing
can take a very unhealthy turn your
brain will convince you that the words
you’ve seen are not actually the words
that are there this can this makes me go
back and reread old text emails and past
assignments to check for these out of
place offensive statements other
compulsions I have tend to deal with
balance and symmetry like how I count my
steps or stuff evenly on colors and
surfaces a lot of my compulsions are
small actions that my brain convinces me
I need to take because these actions
seem so insignificant outside observers
assume that they don’t pose a threat so
for example every time I crack my
knuckles in my right hand I had to do so
with my left hand in the exact same
order or if my left had bumped into a
table I have to put my right hip into a
table the list goes on and on now while
I agree that these actions by themselves
don’t pose a threat to everyday life
people with OCD don’t complete
compulsions just because behind every
compulsion is a very convincing and
often frightening reason that reason can
be as Extreme as being convinced a loved
one would die or you’d fail all your
classes if a compulsion isn’t completed
correctly now that’s a lot of
information
most of it probably a little shocking
and new and that’s okay I myself didn’t
know I had OCD until last fall I was 16
and a half years old and had no clue
even though I’d been living with this
disorder my entire life the first time I
was diagnosed is actually pretty funny
I’ve seen that the lunch tables my
friends and some of them started
quizzing each other for the test in vain
behavior in psychology and some of the
OCD vocabularies hearing was hidden way
too close to home so that night I asked
my parents if I could go see a therapist
I started seeing an OCD specialist and
was officially diagnosed with OCD and
general anxiety then a month into my
senior year I left school to attend a
partial hospitalization program I was
gone from school for three full weeks
and three weeks of half days that’s a
lot of missing classes to get treatment
for OCD and I had no idea what to expect
so I’d arrive at the program in the
morning and have goop therapy with other
kids this would typically be mindfulness
or art therapy to help manage more
general anxiety issues then the
remaining 5 hours was intense individual
exposure therapy exposure therapy is
basically when you tell your therapist
what scares you and then they make you
do it from until that level of fear
comes down from the OCD word level to
the normal healthy worried brain level
for me this often looked like leaning
over stairwell Valens or sitting with
dried hair gel on my hands to get used
to the texture or having people bump
into one side of me and resisting
cutting down on the other and so much
more the biggest exposure I ever did
dealt with my intrusive thoughts of
liquids going in and out of my veins
when I got a shot so for the last week
of program i sat examining a box of
doctors needles and looking at clean
ones close up then on the last day
program I gave myself a shot yeah I
stuck a needle in my own arm and didn’t
even have an anxiety attack because
apparently exposure therapy works so
exposure therapy is part of what’s
called cognitive behavioral therapy or
CBT that’s one type of treatment I’ve
done I’ve been to ten different
clinicians and that’s a lot of doctors
but they’ve all helped me and focused on
different aspects of my mental health
struggles the therapists I now go to
does DBT which is learning how to live
in the gray even when the world seems
black and white so for me when my OCD
tendencies lessened and I learned to
dismiss intrusive thoughts or business
Polson’s the space they occupied in my
brain became empty so DBT helps you fill
that void with healthy coping behaviors
therapy has saved me I’ve gone through a
lot throughout my life and I will never
stop advocating that therapy is a very
valid option for anyone and anyone to be
able to get the help they need without
the social shame that comes with it and
therapy isn’t just for people with
diagnosed mental disorders talking with
someone can help with the stresses of
everyday life and here at Lake force
high school was so lucky to have amazing
social workers and if you’re a senior
like me preparing to head off to college
go online and see what resources your
school has to offer with that major life
change just like many other mental
disorders OCD is a lifelong disorder
there’s no complete cure for OCD like
how you take Advil for a headache or
dayquil for a cold but that doesn’t mean
life with OCD isn’t manageable therapy
medication and coping behaviors are all
ways to live an amazing life alongside
anxiety I’ve been going through
treatment for just over a year now and I
still have struggles every day but I
wouldn’t choose to go through life
without OCD OCD has given me such a
unique perspective on the world and has
taught me so many lessons making me
stronger so I want to end this talk by
saying that you are so much more than
your struggles just like how I’m more
than my OCD and that’s why I can walk
off this stage without counting my steps thank you