since I was little you could find me
with a book in my hands full of words to
take me to another world
or the pencil or crayon or my mom’s
lipstick grasped in my hand scribbling
on whatever service I could find which
would sometimes get me in a bit of
trouble especially if it was my mom’s
lipstick I made my first attempt at
novel writing when I was in just third
grade although that didn’t quite work
out I would go on to publish my own book
of poetry at age fifty words of
affirmation are one of my biggest love
languages and for better or for worse I
remember the things that people say to
me for years
words are a home for me and I believe
that prose will forever swirl in my
bloodstream however although I made such
good friends my words so early on there
was something about them something
negative but I wouldn’t learn until much
later and that was the power of the
words we tell ourselves I first began
battling with power at age seven when my
parents went through a messy divorce and
one of my older brothers make the first
of many suicide attempts and I learned
what that word meant for the very first
time during this process the words not
enough became deeply ingrained and my
train of thought even though every
self-help book that my parents had me
read Reeth era pissed I saw every
article I looked at told me that this
wasn’t my fault
the only thing that my seven-year-old
brain could understand was that I was
not important enough my parents to want
to stay together or for my brother to
want to stay alive the next time I let
these words contaminate my heart was
when I was 12 years old and this is
grade gym room and if it’s been a while
since you’ve been in middle school I’ll
give you a refresher on what that looks
like sixth grade gym rooms look exactly
like they do in the movies complete with
the flying dodge balls and knee length
basketball shorts in your school’s
colors
ours were green and purple which were
not the most attractive in my gym class
we had about 200 kids and we sat in
alphabetical order in lines before
warm-up started so I was sitting next to
kids that I didn’t know super well
however the boy to the left of me would
become one of the most impactful people
in my life because one day we were
sitting in our warm-up so it was just a
couple weeks into my sixth grade year
and he got really quiet looked at me
really intently and looked me up and
down and goes you know Gracie you’d be
he said those words once but for the
next three years of my life I would tell
him to myself on a daily basis I would
tell myself that I did not need food but
skinny felt better than food tasted it
memorize the amount of calories and a
piece of wintermint
extra mint gum in a single pretzel I
knew exactly how many calories I would
burn if I did an extra 50 or 500 sit-ups
before bed and Ischl 500 push-ups first
thing when I woke up I told myself the
only way to be good enough was to be
skinny enough just a couple weeks after
the sixth grade occurrence I would tell
myself words that held even bigger
demons when I first began engaging in
self-harm at 12 years old I would tell
myself that I was nothing without
addiction I would tell others that it
was the cat and then I would take a
blade to my skin every time that life
began to claw at my heart at 12 years
old I told myself that I was not strong
enough to live without it but the
biggest lie of all wouldn’t come until
shortly after I turned 15 at this point
I had allowed myself to fall into place
of depression so dark that I could not
find any light no matter how hard I
tried so I told myself that it was okay
to set a suicide date I had until the
state to make one last final dish effort
at finding happiness
and if I hadn’t by then and I would have
enough time to tie up any loose ends say
my final goodbyes and it would be okay
to end it
I had really tried the darkest point in
my life I let myself hear the words you
are not worthy enough of life no I
believe it just two days before the
suicide a I was fully intent on ending
it I knew what I was gonna do I had my
letters written I was ready and then I
saw a social media post by a group
called to write love on her arms they’re
running a campaign for world suicide
prevention day which just so happened to
be the exact same day as my suicide date
and it changed my life it showed me that
an entire nationwide group could have
the bravery to speak up about this so
publicly then I could have the bravery
to speak up about it in my own little
corner of the world they would paint a
message that would override every lie of
not good enough not skinny enough
unimportant enough not strong enough not
worthy enough they would tell me you are
loved but my battle was suicide a mental
illness doesn’t hit there were the past
three or so years I have watched as a
teen suicide rate now Paso County has
gone from seven in 2014 to 17 in 2016
the numbers keep growing
I have watched my newsfeed as headlines
come up such as 13 suicide in two weeks
suicide strikes again Paso County the
teen suicide capital of the nation I
have watched as my family and loved ones
struggle with losing those they care
most about and the process
almost lose themselves as well I’ve
watched as the teen suicide rates go up
in every corner of the world not just
ours as new dangerous games come out and
another article is posted mourning a
loss of yet another young life I’ve
watched as lights of our children go
dark one by one by one we have all
watched as kids who are supposed to be
playing in the rain achieving dreams
taking chances are playing with
addiction achieving depression and
taking lives and we still aren’t talking
about it the stigma surrounding suicide
and mental illness is suffocating it is
thousands of miles deep and we very
rarely scratch the surface but alone
reached those at the core who are the
ones who are dying so we suffer in
silence we see the statistics we see
that more people die by suicide than by
homicide in fact almost twice as many we
see that more teenagers and young adults
die by suicide than by cancer lung
disease heart disease birth defects
pneumonia influenza combined we see that
in our nation there’s an average of five
thousand two hundred and forty suicide
attempts but young people grades 7
through 12 every day and we still aren’t
talking about it when we buy into the
stigma that surrounds to the sentimental
illness we were telling our young people
and loved ones this is something they
can’t talk about so they don’t and the
darkness grows and another life is lost
and we sit here and we wonder how we
didn’t see it coming why weren’t there
any warning signs and all it takes to
change this is a simple switch it takes
a switch from using suicide and mental
illness as something that is dark
unstoppable and she
people to something that although dark
is something that we can take into the
open shine a light on and unpack
together there are so many things that
we can be doing to help those that are
sick and they’re not these big
unachievable intimidating goals there’s
small things that have a huge impact we
can advocate for programs in our public
school systems that teach suicide
prevention we can ask hey are you doing
okay
hey you seemed a little off recently you
may be feeling suicidal it’s terrifying
I know it’s terrifying not knowing if
the answer is yes or no and not knowing
which is scarier when we ask we show
those who are hurting that they are seen
if they want to talk about it they can
we can read up on warning signs
especially those who are parents
teachers and mentors when we know what
to look out for we are far better
equipped to handle the darkness before I
loved ones reached that last step
solution but most of all we can talk we
can choose to start the story because
when we talk first we provide an open
invitation for others to step forward as
well we show those who are hurting that
we see them but it’s going to get better
that we know what it’s like and we’re
here for them when we are brave enough
to start we provide an open invitation
for people to stop living in shame and
start living in sunshine I wish I could
go back in time and tell my younger self
that it was going to be okay that one
day she would be so filled with joy and
happiness that her lips would almost
constantly be turned up into a smile
that she would live to see the most
beautiful sunrises have the most
incredible opportunities love the most
amazing people that there was a future
for her
even if in that moment tomorrow was the
hardest thing to find it wouldn’t get
better overnight no there would still be
relapses and hard days there would still
be days where she goes dark and doesn’t
know why they still are but the
difference would be that even on her
darkest days
everything would be painted over with
the hue of hope that I can’t do that so
instead I will tell you and I will beg
you to please tell those that you love
as well tell them these things and
extend a lifeline for those who feels
that they are drowning encourage them to
grab onto your hand plant their feet on
solid ground take a couple more steps
there they will look around the corner
and see everything they thought their
life could never be stretching for miles
full of hope and recovery and joy and
most of all painted across the sky and
brilliant colors they will see three
words that will change everything you
are loved thank you [Applause]