oh you know I’ve been good Monday
morning in last week’s video I talked a
little bit about how the best
communicators that I know they spend a
lot of time listening to their audience
spending time understanding them and
only then they craft a message that is
customized for their audience for
maximum impact so in that video I talked
about how to be a good senator of a
message and today I would like to talk
about how to be a good receiver or the
message I am your host npj and you are
watching function
[Music]
today’s show is sponsored by pusher
pusher makes it painless to add
real-time communication and
collaboration features to your app chat
pub/sub mobile push feeds that kind of
stuff it’s really nice to not have to
build all that yourself check him out at
pusher dot fun fun function dr. Cole
alright today’s subject I really just
have one thing to say and um I said and
then I’m going to just ramble on about
nothing when you are communicating with
another person interpret everything that
person says as generously as you
possibly can interpret generously that’s
that’s really all I have to say that’s
the core of this video this is one of
those things that that is going to sound
infantile but it’s so easy to forget and
people forget it all the time and so
much problems in our current debate
climate is because we forget this this
very simple lesson when you’re
discussing something with someone assume
that that person is good not evil assume
that the person means well that they
don’t want to do you harm if the person
is on your team assume that the person
wants the best for your product and the
best for your team assume that what
they’re saying is coming from a good
place good intention this doesn’t mean
that there aren’t people that are out to
do you harm or that like people that are
just horrible and just wants to like
pour their pain on you but if there is
an even shadow of a doubt like when you
read something or hear someone say
something that it might still be coming
from a good place you should try to
interpret it that way your default
should be assume goal intent we will get
to the why later but just let’s let’s
think about an example someone at work
tells
you this code of yours is shit that’s a
total caricature nobody at work will say
that he is from Sweden
okay fuck they would
passive-aggressively say I don’t like
this code of yours so that’s a very
badly form message it’s not constructive
it’s vague it’s kinda rude in this
situation like most normal people I
certainly know that I would would
probably feel like attacked I would feel
like oh this person is making me feel
bad I I would kind of like my impulse
would be to get defensive and that’s
normal and the problem is that now now I
have this excellent opportunity to like
jump up on my big high horse my high
horse of justice and then I could tell
this person like how bad they are
for not being you know like cuddly or
like polite they should go watch that
video by that youtuber about politeness
and clarity how they’re not mutually
exclusive you should work on your
emotional intelligence dude be
considerate of your colleagues feelings
that said something wrong and now I can
pounce on that I could do that and you
know it would probably work the other
person would probably feel really bad
about it and and apologize to me I’m so
sorry I didn’t mean to but I could also
as a receiver stop myself a little bit
and I could think like hmm okay
this message said I have been receiving
here it’s not the most best formed
message but this person sending me this
message they’re probably not ill-will
this is not about me that it’s not about
them wanting to hurt me they’d probably
just want the product to be good and
they want the team to do well their
messaging isn’t very good but as a
receiver of the message I can actually
compensate for a badly sent message a
bad message I can just be a good
receiver it’s just like when somebody
throws you a ball and their parent a
little bit off it’s but it’s always
still in my direction so I can still
like John I
catch it maybe I have to throw myself on
the ground worst case but I will still
catch it I might you know like breathe a
little bit internally and then go like
okay uh tell me what you didn’t like
about it I’d love to hear and the person
might give me some perfectly valid
critique it might be that they say that
oh I didn’t like how you start
introducing state here it just feels
completely unnecessary we don’t really
need to do that optimization and I might
go oh yeah you are actually completely
right about that this is this is not
necessary thank you for pointing that
out by by the way you seem a little you
seem a little bit off today are you all
right and they might go like oh no my
cat fluffykins yes he has died I I’m
sorry for snapping at you I’m just a
little oh oh that’s such a nice story
yeah that’s cuddly wuddly have you ever
been on Twitter there are absolutely
people out there that are good they just
say things because they are out to get
you they are not on your side all right
we need two separate things here like
your inflate in two different things
Twitter that’s one thing and a private
discussion forum or or work or something
like that that’s a different space so by
mixing those two together you are
conflating debate and discussion which
are two different things
discussion that’s something that you
have with a friend with a colleague or
perhaps perhaps a private forum a debate
that’s something that two politicians
have they haven’t they do a battle
that’s a fight when politicians talk
they want to win over the other person
none of the debaters expect to change
the other person’s mind no their goal is
to convince the audience when you have a
debate your opponent is there just a
tool to kind of like have a sound board
in order to change the mind of audience
a discussion is very different in a
discussion the objective is that both
parties win a discussion is only really
resolved successfully if
both parties found it rewarding there
are several different ways a discussion
could be rewarding ah might be that you
learn something from each other it might
be that you figure out the solution to a
problem together or it might be that you
communicate your respective wants and
needs and you find a way to have them
overlap and find a situation where you
both will you both win so a debate
that’s resolved by someone winning while
a discussion is resolved and both people
win in a debate the core tool is
rhetoric but in a discussion the core
tool is understanding so why is this
important
it’s important because this is how at
least I believe or visits one of the
tools of how we achieve psychological
safety in a team psychological safety is
the concept where people feel like they
can talk unhindered they can say that
something is bad they can like put
forward critique of their team’s
performance or other team members
because that certain extent and they can
also say that hey I didn’t do too well
in this in this situation I will do
better next time and you can do these
things you can you can give other people
critique and you can be vulnerable as
well without fear of retribution like
other people like jumping on you for
because they feel attacked or them
jumping on you because you show all
their ability like saying like yeah
you’re horrible like you should quit the
team because you made a mistake just
because you admit you won and this is
actually us not cuddly wuddly things
it’s very very important Google found in
the research that this is one of the
core predictors of the performance of a
team I made a video on that there and it
makes sense when you think about it
because if you don’t have this
psychological safety it means that
information will not flow and the team
as freely because people will just be
afraid of putting critical information
for it and that is why it’s so important
to have a team where people make an
effort to be good senders of messages
like understanding the the needs and
where where a person is before like
crafting the message what is the bet the
team wants and how to put a message
forth and the best way possible we
understand them and it’s also important
for the people listening to this person
to assume that this person says these
things with good intent but will a team
member always have less good intent well
in some cases maybe not I think that you
need to have a certain transparency in a
team in order to build this you need to
talk about like sit down and talk about
what your different wants are like are
you actually on the same page when it
comes to the product if you have that
discussion it come to the conclusion
that you have the same goal and you are
on the same page then it’s going to be a
lot easier to interpret generously for
people and finally I of course want to
stress the obvious that if you have a
person on your team that is a bad
communicator as in in a bad sender that
is just always like this busy person
then the the good receivers should
absolutely not in perpetually make up
for that person’s sloppy thrown false
off that’s that’s not what I mean here
like if somebody has repeatedly be bad
at sending messages to their team then
you need to take that up with that
person make sure that that person
improves or if they don’t find another
team because that is not really
that’s not sustained the point is merely
that not everyone is a
sender all the time and try to therefore
interpret as generously as you can and
yes if if somebody sends a bad message
trying to be a good receiver if possible
that’s Monique thoughts on that what are
yours do you have a you a good receiver
or sender what do you have one on your
on your team
a bad one or good will let me know in
the youtube comments below or if you are
patron you have access to the Fun Fun
forum the lovely lovely place where you
can talk to your fellow viewers or me
there’s a link to a dedicated topic for
this episode in the episode description
don’t forget to check out our lovely
sponsor pusher and pusher dr. fun fun
function don’t calm and that is it you
have just watched an episode of fun fun
function I release these every Monday
morning Oh 800 GMT but you will forget
that so you should subscribe maybe even
turn on notifications in YouTube app or
are you gonna just watch another episode
right now by clicking there
I am npj until next Monday morning stay curious
morning in last week’s video I talked a
little bit about how the best
communicators that I know they spend a
lot of time listening to their audience
spending time understanding them and
only then they craft a message that is
customized for their audience for
maximum impact so in that video I talked
about how to be a good senator of a
message and today I would like to talk
about how to be a good receiver or the
message I am your host npj and you are
watching function
[Music]
today’s show is sponsored by pusher
pusher makes it painless to add
real-time communication and
collaboration features to your app chat
pub/sub mobile push feeds that kind of
stuff it’s really nice to not have to
build all that yourself check him out at
pusher dot fun fun function dr. Cole
alright today’s subject I really just
have one thing to say and um I said and
then I’m going to just ramble on about
nothing when you are communicating with
another person interpret everything that
person says as generously as you
possibly can interpret generously that’s
that’s really all I have to say that’s
the core of this video this is one of
those things that that is going to sound
infantile but it’s so easy to forget and
people forget it all the time and so
much problems in our current debate
climate is because we forget this this
very simple lesson when you’re
discussing something with someone assume
that that person is good not evil assume
that the person means well that they
don’t want to do you harm if the person
is on your team assume that the person
wants the best for your product and the
best for your team assume that what
they’re saying is coming from a good
place good intention this doesn’t mean
that there aren’t people that are out to
do you harm or that like people that are
just horrible and just wants to like
pour their pain on you but if there is
an even shadow of a doubt like when you
read something or hear someone say
something that it might still be coming
from a good place you should try to
interpret it that way your default
should be assume goal intent we will get
to the why later but just let’s let’s
think about an example someone at work
tells
you this code of yours is shit that’s a
total caricature nobody at work will say
that he is from Sweden
okay fuck they would
passive-aggressively say I don’t like
this code of yours so that’s a very
badly form message it’s not constructive
it’s vague it’s kinda rude in this
situation like most normal people I
certainly know that I would would
probably feel like attacked I would feel
like oh this person is making me feel
bad I I would kind of like my impulse
would be to get defensive and that’s
normal and the problem is that now now I
have this excellent opportunity to like
jump up on my big high horse my high
horse of justice and then I could tell
this person like how bad they are
for not being you know like cuddly or
like polite they should go watch that
video by that youtuber about politeness
and clarity how they’re not mutually
exclusive you should work on your
emotional intelligence dude be
considerate of your colleagues feelings
that said something wrong and now I can
pounce on that I could do that and you
know it would probably work the other
person would probably feel really bad
about it and and apologize to me I’m so
sorry I didn’t mean to but I could also
as a receiver stop myself a little bit
and I could think like hmm okay
this message said I have been receiving
here it’s not the most best formed
message but this person sending me this
message they’re probably not ill-will
this is not about me that it’s not about
them wanting to hurt me they’d probably
just want the product to be good and
they want the team to do well their
messaging isn’t very good but as a
receiver of the message I can actually
compensate for a badly sent message a
bad message I can just be a good
receiver it’s just like when somebody
throws you a ball and their parent a
little bit off it’s but it’s always
still in my direction so I can still
like John I
catch it maybe I have to throw myself on
the ground worst case but I will still
catch it I might you know like breathe a
little bit internally and then go like
okay uh tell me what you didn’t like
about it I’d love to hear and the person
might give me some perfectly valid
critique it might be that they say that
oh I didn’t like how you start
introducing state here it just feels
completely unnecessary we don’t really
need to do that optimization and I might
go oh yeah you are actually completely
right about that this is this is not
necessary thank you for pointing that
out by by the way you seem a little you
seem a little bit off today are you all
right and they might go like oh no my
cat fluffykins yes he has died I I’m
sorry for snapping at you I’m just a
little oh oh that’s such a nice story
yeah that’s cuddly wuddly have you ever
been on Twitter there are absolutely
people out there that are good they just
say things because they are out to get
you they are not on your side all right
we need two separate things here like
your inflate in two different things
Twitter that’s one thing and a private
discussion forum or or work or something
like that that’s a different space so by
mixing those two together you are
conflating debate and discussion which
are two different things
discussion that’s something that you
have with a friend with a colleague or
perhaps perhaps a private forum a debate
that’s something that two politicians
have they haven’t they do a battle
that’s a fight when politicians talk
they want to win over the other person
none of the debaters expect to change
the other person’s mind no their goal is
to convince the audience when you have a
debate your opponent is there just a
tool to kind of like have a sound board
in order to change the mind of audience
a discussion is very different in a
discussion the objective is that both
parties win a discussion is only really
resolved successfully if
both parties found it rewarding there
are several different ways a discussion
could be rewarding ah might be that you
learn something from each other it might
be that you figure out the solution to a
problem together or it might be that you
communicate your respective wants and
needs and you find a way to have them
overlap and find a situation where you
both will you both win so a debate
that’s resolved by someone winning while
a discussion is resolved and both people
win in a debate the core tool is
rhetoric but in a discussion the core
tool is understanding so why is this
important
it’s important because this is how at
least I believe or visits one of the
tools of how we achieve psychological
safety in a team psychological safety is
the concept where people feel like they
can talk unhindered they can say that
something is bad they can like put
forward critique of their team’s
performance or other team members
because that certain extent and they can
also say that hey I didn’t do too well
in this in this situation I will do
better next time and you can do these
things you can you can give other people
critique and you can be vulnerable as
well without fear of retribution like
other people like jumping on you for
because they feel attacked or them
jumping on you because you show all
their ability like saying like yeah
you’re horrible like you should quit the
team because you made a mistake just
because you admit you won and this is
actually us not cuddly wuddly things
it’s very very important Google found in
the research that this is one of the
core predictors of the performance of a
team I made a video on that there and it
makes sense when you think about it
because if you don’t have this
psychological safety it means that
information will not flow and the team
as freely because people will just be
afraid of putting critical information
for it and that is why it’s so important
to have a team where people make an
effort to be good senders of messages
like understanding the the needs and
where where a person is before like
crafting the message what is the bet the
team wants and how to put a message
forth and the best way possible we
understand them and it’s also important
for the people listening to this person
to assume that this person says these
things with good intent but will a team
member always have less good intent well
in some cases maybe not I think that you
need to have a certain transparency in a
team in order to build this you need to
talk about like sit down and talk about
what your different wants are like are
you actually on the same page when it
comes to the product if you have that
discussion it come to the conclusion
that you have the same goal and you are
on the same page then it’s going to be a
lot easier to interpret generously for
people and finally I of course want to
stress the obvious that if you have a
person on your team that is a bad
communicator as in in a bad sender that
is just always like this busy person
then the the good receivers should
absolutely not in perpetually make up
for that person’s sloppy thrown false
off that’s that’s not what I mean here
like if somebody has repeatedly be bad
at sending messages to their team then
you need to take that up with that
person make sure that that person
improves or if they don’t find another
team because that is not really
that’s not sustained the point is merely
that not everyone is a
sender all the time and try to therefore
interpret as generously as you can and
yes if if somebody sends a bad message
trying to be a good receiver if possible
that’s Monique thoughts on that what are
yours do you have a you a good receiver
or sender what do you have one on your
on your team
a bad one or good will let me know in
the youtube comments below or if you are
patron you have access to the Fun Fun
forum the lovely lovely place where you
can talk to your fellow viewers or me
there’s a link to a dedicated topic for
this episode in the episode description
don’t forget to check out our lovely
sponsor pusher and pusher dr. fun fun
function don’t calm and that is it you
have just watched an episode of fun fun
function I release these every Monday
morning Oh 800 GMT but you will forget
that so you should subscribe maybe even
turn on notifications in YouTube app or
are you gonna just watch another episode
right now by clicking there
I am npj until next Monday morning stay curious
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