you know I’ve heard a lot of experts say
that fear isn’t real that is such a
bunch of baloney fear is so real in fact
there are probably things that you’re
afraid of doing right now in your life
in your relationships at work and the
fact that you’re afraid that’s robbing
you of all of the experiences that you
want to have in your life I mean if
you’re afraid to fly that’s gonna limit
your ability to travel and see the world
or go visit friends if you’re afraid of
public speaking that’s gonna really
limit your ability to express yourself
and share your ideas if you’re afraid of
talking to your boss or asking for a
raise
that directly impacts how much money you
make or what if you are dreaming of
starting a business or you’ve already
started a new business but you’re afraid
to talk to people and you’re afraid to
share your business with people I mean
fear is something that stops us all and
that’s why I’m here to talk to you
because it doesn’t have to fear is real
but I am gonna share a secret weapon
that I have used for years to beat every
single fear that used to stop me now
first before we get into the secret
weapon I just want to cover a few facts
about fear what it is what it isn’t and
some things that you may not know about
fear so first thing fear is a physical
state in your body that is exactly the
same as excitement let me say that again
fear and excitement are the exact same
physical state your heart races you
might sweat a little bit
you might feel tightening in your chest
you might feel a pit in your stomach you
have a surge of cortisol it’s basically
the way that your body goes into a hyper
aware state because it’s readying for
action now what’s the difference between
fear and excitement really simple the
only difference between fear and
excitement is what your brain is doing
as your body is all agitated if you’re
excited your brain is going
wow this is gonna be so cool to ride
this roller coaster if you’re afraid
your brains going oh no way there’s no
way I’m doing that this is dangerous get
out of there don’t do that it’s saying
something different so what’s critical
about understanding this is that we’re
gonna use the fact that your mind is
either working for you for excitement or
against you with fear to your advantage
I’ll tell you about it in just a minute
how you’re gonna do that second thing I
want you to understand is that you may
have heard the advice feel the fear and
do it anyway
you may have heard the advice oh just
try to calm down think positive thoughts
it doesn’t work does it and there’s a
reason why it doesn’t work so let’s go
back to fact number one when you’re
afraid your body’s in a state of arousal
on agitation it your heart is racing and
you’re all like amped up and you’re
hyper aware of what’s going on and
you’re freaking out a little bit what is
it like when you’re calm ah it just kind
of chilled right you got like this low
arousal state very very difficult to go
from a state of agitation of being all
jacked up and excited and weirded out uh
to a kind of state it doesn’t work it’s
like trying to stop a train by throwing
a boulder on the tracks it’s gonna make
the train jump off the tracks it’s gonna
cause a disaster in fact they’ve proven
in research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes them worse
and they’ve also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you’re about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you’re actually terrified of
flying
what do you do if you got to give a
presentation and you are afraid of
public speaking
here’s what you’re gonna do you’re gonna
use a strategy the same one that I use
that has helped me beat every single
fear and turn me into somebody that is
terrific when it comes to a high-stress
situation this is how you do it you’re
going to use my five-second rule in
combination with what I call an anchor
thought and that is going to reframe
what your mind is doing so that your
mind goes from feeling agitation and
making you afraid to reframing it from
agitation to excitement it works like
magic now I have used this technique for
years literally for years and one of the
ways that I want to introduce you to it
is I want to take you backstage I want
to take you backstage to a speech that I
delivered this year and what you’re
gonna see is you’re gonna see me behind
you know the major set I’m about to walk
out you can kind of hear the crowd
roaring my introductory video is playing
my body is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it’s like you’re
gonna see this I’m gonna tell you about
it and you’re gonna watch me use this
same technique I’m gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement check
this out all right
I’m about to go onstage there’s 7,000
people out there and it’s so exciting
because what they don’t know is they’re
about to learn the five-second rule and
their lives will never be the same again
now I got to tell you my heart is racing
my armpits are sweating I have the exact
same physiological feeling as when I’m
afraid but I’m not afraid I’m excited
excitement and fear is the exact same
thing in your body it’s just what your
brain calls
here’s a trick that’s proven by science
that I use every time I speak when I
start to sweat when I start to have
butterflies when I start to have my
heart race
I say I’m excited I’m excited to get out
there I’m excited to talk to these
people I’m excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body’s all
agitated and excited and that way I
don’t feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it now I want
to give you one more example just to
make sure that you really get how you
can use this so a lot of you have
written to me about your fear of flying
and I can really relate to that fear
because I used to have the exact same
fear but I used this same strategy to
conquer it here’s how you’re going to do
it so first things first if you’ve got
to do something that really makes you
nervous or that you’re afraid to do
before you’re about to do it come up
with an anchor thought what’s an anchor
thought well an anchor thought is
something that’s going to anchor you so
that you don’t escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it’s
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you’re
thinking and how you behave so here’s an
example with flying it’s important when
you’re creating an anchor thought to
pick something that is in the proper
context of what you’re afraid to do so
for flying pick an anchor thought that
has to do with the trip that you’re
taking so if I’m boarding a plane to fly
back home to Michigan an anchor thought
might be a picture in my mind of my mom
and I walking on the shores of Lake
Michigan where I grew up that’s a
thought that makes me happy it makes me
excited and it’s also related to the
trip that I’m taking if you have a
conversation that you need to have with
your boss pick an anchor thought about
how you feel after having that
conversation maybe it’s you picking up
the phone and calling somebody that you
you love and saying oh my god
went so well or you know you
walking out of the meeting and feeling
like yeah I survived that conversation I
feel pretty good about myself so now
that you have your anchor thought you’re
ready to beat the fear is the biggest
obstacle that we face Thiago it’s simple
it’s self-doubt it’s not fear it’s not
lack of money it’s not lack of
supporters it’s the fact that deep down
inside
we’ll doubt yourself at critical moments
and here’s the problem with self-doubt
self-doubt doesn’t have to stop you the
problem is self-doubt is that the second
that you feel a little doubtful the
second that you start to question
yourself
you physically hesitate
that hesitation has become a habit that
stops you because the moment you
hesitate it wakes up your brain your
brain starts thinking and then you hold
yourself back you guys now I talked
about the five-second rule incessantly
it’s the title of the new book that I’m
writing that’s coming out in 2017 the
five-second rule is a tool that battles
self-doubt because in those moments
those those tiny micro moments when
you’re faced with should I do this or
should I not should I speak in a meeting
should I hold back my ideas should I
have this tough conversation or should I
wait till later
the second you doubt the option of
moving forward
yesterday
then you think
that’s how it happens every single time
that’s how you sabotage your success
of hesitating
moment that you feel is killing your
dreams
the single biggest obstacle in life
Deanna is the doubt that you feel and
the single biggest mistake that you’re
making is that you hesitate when you
feel it and you start to use the
five-second rule in those moments to
just physically move forward within five
seconds of feeling that doubt you’ll win
what energizes you and that we naturally
have a tremendous amount of body wisdom
about that and that every one of us has
an internal fuel tank that is either
empty or full and if you’re empty you
feel depleted if you’re full you feel
energized and so if you simply are in
any situation I mean any situation and
you pay attention within five seconds –
does this person energize me do they
deplete me where are they in the scale
you just gain some tremendous wisdom and
you the simple way to start to figure
out who you are and what you want is
start aligning yourself with more things
that energize you
so situationally if you’re lying in bed
and the snooze alarm goes or the alarm
goes off and you feel depleted and you
start reaching for the snooze button
that’s a really big sign that you need
to get out of bed now being depleted
versus energized has nothing to do with
whether or not things are hard or easy
it has to do with what naturally
actually either expands you or shrinks
you and so if you look at your client
list and measure it depleted versus
energized what shrinks versus expands me
you have the actual map and when you
start to find the courage to make
decisions
that energizes you and that expand you
whether they’re scariest or not that’s
when everything changes and so that’s
how I actually make business decisions
is this I don’t even like the money
conversation comes second it’s does this
deplete or energize me and if it
depletes me how do you move it in that
direction or how do I stay sane oh if it
energizes me how do I do more because if
you are energized or expanded by
something you will do it for no money
you will do it happily and you will
suddenly wake up and say oh my gosh like
my heart I’m pursuing my passion how did
that happen bot I’ve you feel stuck
because you’re waiting for some kind of
external force to either push you and
pressure you to change and to be great
and to be amazing or you’re waiting for
somebody to give you permission you’re
either sitting back because you need
some sort of external motivation from
somebody that’s gonna push you or praise
you or pressure you in order to change
or some life circumstance like maybe in
your past you’ve you’ve experienced
trauma or you face something really
scary and that was the thing that made
you change and then the second thing
that people wait around for is
permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you that is
such a losing bet it’s unbelievable
maybe you’ll get lucky maybe somebody
will come but more than likely no one is
coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody’s got to pick me or somebody’s
gonna discover me or somebody’s got to
give me permission to write this book
it’s it’s ridiculous this is external
versus internal force
and what you have to figure out if
you’re stuck is are you the kind of
person that is guilty of needing wanting
and waiting for external forces people
an event some outside force to kick you
in the ass you’ll finally do the stuff
that you’ve been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something
no one’s coming no one the people in
life that get what they want are the
ones that aren’t waiting for an external
force to validate their dreams to
inspire them to give them permission
it’s the people that realize that
success but happiness that control it
comes from the internal force and what
is the internal force it’s you it’s you
it’s you being able to realize that no
one’s gonna do the work for you it’s you
realizing that you’re never gonna feel
ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you’re definitely not gonna feel ready
and you’re gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that’s normal when you
start to feel like you’re stretching
yourself and you’re sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you’re taking
some risks that’s amazing cuz you’re
growing trying to become a fashion and
beauty blogger and murk and earn money
from it full time but I have some kind
of mental block and procrastination
problem this is something that we see
over and over and over again and it’s
this idea that you don’t ever start you
stay trapped in your head and if you
feel paralyzed if you’ve been spinning
the same ideas over and over and over
again then you know what I’m talking
about
you see many of you are thinking way too
big you’re attaching way too much
pressure on the things that you’re
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion you won’t even know if you
like it so thinking that you have a
dream about doing it and thinking that
you have this grand plan that you’re
gonna do it full-time it is a complete
and utter waste of your time to be
dreaming that big and let me tell you
why because oftentimes if you’re the
person like Vicki that’s getting trapped
up here the bigness of what you’re
thinking about is what’s stopping you
what I want you to do if you’re in
Vicki’s situation is I want you to stop
dreaming and I want you to just start
doing small things I want you to go back
to curiosity and less into crushing your
big goals you think about life and
business and success is that you have to
be willing to start and for people that
procrastinate starting is the hardest
part for people that worry for people
that think too big starting is the
hardest part folks that study
procrastination talk about the fact that
the only way to beat procrastination is
to create what they call a starting
ritual which is a way to push yourself
to get started because all the research
shows that if we can push you to get
started on something you’ll likely keep
going spend a lot of time talking about
mindset from the standpoint of think
positive so positive things happen and I
do believe in having a positive mindset
obviously I think that the actions that
you take are way more important in terms
of developing that mindset but we don’t
spend enough time on what you were just
talking about which is understanding how
the automatic nature of worrying about
stuff all day long how that is making
you less money how it is making you less
happy how it is disconnecting you from
your spouse how it is keeping you
unhealthy and how it is a habit that
robs you of joy and opportunity and
power and it is one of the easiest
habits to break number one your life
happens in five-second windows number
two in five seconds you can control what
you think you can decide what you’re
going to do and you can change
absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the
five-second rule is a mind trick that’s
all that it is a fancy way to call it as
a you know it’s a form of metacognition
but it’s basically a hack it’s a cheat
code okay and the way that it works and
this is the challenge with getting it
out there is that it sounds so
profoundly stupid like a gimmick that it
took a while for people to actually take
it seriously I get that and to really
stack up the science to make you know
anybody that interacts with it go holy
like this actually works yeah so
here’s what it is basically the moment
you catch yourself hesitating or
doubting or starting to worry or about
to chicken out or shrink or shut up or
whatever it is that you’re about to do
that is shrinking your power you just go
5 4 3 2 1 you count backwards 5 4 3 2 1
what happens when you do that don’t do
it out loud because it’ll scare somebody
it’s like although you know we say it’s
it’s so simple that people live skit in
the making because that means I’ve
really made it through your kids will
use it on you so my kids will use it on
me so if I have a certain tone that
comes out I’ll hear my child go 5 4
through watch that tone mom you know
just alright mom 5 4 3 2 1 I thought
you’re gonna go to the gym yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you’re doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it’s a little trick that causes focus
and it’s it’s a lot like having a mantra
because you’re shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain away
in this part of the brain and then move
and what happens with the counting
backwards is there’s nowhere to go after
one and your mind is socialized in a
countdown situation to go and so
counting up won’t work because you can
keep forever and you do it in many
aspects of your life so it’s actually
not something that requires any focus
I’m the kind of person that believes you
should always make decisions with your
heart and soul you can use your brain
for math you can use your brain to look
at the fine print in a contract but when
it comes to the actual feel of the
decision you always want to go inward
and check it against your heart and soul
how do you do that here’s the simple
test does the decision that you’re about
to make expand you expand your future or
expand the possibilities of your life if
the answer is yes then the decision is
yes no matter how terrifying it is if
you conversely look at the choice that
you have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there’s always a short-term and a
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that’s based in your
heart in your soul
sometimes it’s terrifying because
sometimes it means moving or it means
changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable so brace for impact put
the force fields up but make the
decision anyway because the long-term
impact of making a decision from your
heart and soul
that is where the best life comes from
because you’re living for what’s true
for you not what’s safe in the moment I
think everybody has fear all wrong
people have so many theories about fear
they talk about oh I’m afraid of success
no I’m afraid of failure I’m afraid of
intimacy I’m afraid of heights I’m
afraid of this I’m afraid of that I’m
afraid of the other thing there’s
actually only two fears only two and if
you’re in sales which you are or even if
you’re not
life is about persuading people life is
about influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don’t know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear first things first when
I wake up in the morning and I do not
sleep next to my phone the reason why I
don’t sleep next to my phone is because
sleeping next to it or use it as your
alarm your tendency is to look at it
while you’re in bed that means that
you’re checking email before you’ve even
thought about what your priorities are
do not do that that’s tip number one tip
number two I have a pad of post-it notes
yes post-it notes next to my sink in at
my bathroom why well because after I
brush my teeth haven’t looked at my
phone yet I take a post-it note out and
I write the three things I need to focus
on today and then you know what I do
with it
I stick it on the back of my phone now
why would I do that because I have my
phone with me all the time and so if
it’s on the back of my phone I’m gonna
get a visual cue to remind me exhibit
top of mine so I stay focused on it
third thing that I do it’s a little
trick I call 30 before 7:30 what that
means I spend 30 minutes
before 7:30 a.m. just focused on getting
my day organized and getting a few of
the things that are my top priorities
either finished or further down the
field so that’s 30 minutes before 7:30
a.m. it’s time for me if you utilize
those three things don’t sleep with your
phone
right after you brush your teeth right
out of your three priorities and stick
it on the back of your phone just like
this and spend 30 minutes before 7:30
for yourself I promise you you’ll be
shocked at how much more focused you are
and you feel many of you are sitting
around waiting to feel ready you can
still move forward when you’re not ready
too many of you are waiting to feel like
you deserve to make six figures it’s
about the action your mind your history
your past you will always have a million
excuses not to do it not to feel like it
not to believe in yourself they’re all
the only thing that matters in your life
and your business is the actions that
you’re taking and the more consistently
that you take action the faster you will
start to believe in yourself because you
will see proof that you are not the kind
of person that sits around and feels
unworthy that you’re not a victim that
sits by and get sucked into other
people’s stuff that you’re not that kind
of person so it won’t make sense to
believe it anymore but it starts with
action I believe in all of you and I
believe in your ability to get it done
but it’s going to be up to you who is
the problem
yeah who is the solution that’s right
don’t we feel like that it’s the biggest
mistake you could possibly make it
remember that you’re smart remember that
you know what to do and just get it done
what’s fascinates me about human beings
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn’t it crazy as long as the
suckiness as a routine but the second
you get thrown out of your routine or
the second that whether it’s because you
lose a job or somebody moves or somebody
dies or somebody breaks up with you or
you break like all of a sudden that
awakens the courage in you to make a
change because she you know either you
have no choice or now you got a problem
to solve but fighting that inertia of
life is the most difficult thing in the
world I ended up getting a job with a
law firm because it was the path of
least resistance in Boston in Boston I
hated it
because I went from being in the
courtroom to writing briefs all day and
luckily I got pregnant with our first
daughter who just is starting college
which makes me feel so ancient I just
want to like punch myself in the face if
I have a 18 year old freshman in college
um thank you but I got pregnant with her
and when she was born I had horrific
postpartum depression Wow I mean the
really scary kind where you can’t be
alone with the baby you’re on crazy meds
that turn you at not the kind you take
recreationally yeah these are the kind
that like turn you into a zombie and it
was a really scary thing and I I when I
kind of came out of the eight-week
trance of that I looked up at Chris and
said I’ve made a decision and he said
okay what would that be and I said
I don’t ever want to answer the question
what do you do for a living with the
response I’m a lawyer and he said okay
you realize we’ve just bought this house
and we have a kid and we have orders to
pay and he said so here’s the deal
you’ve got exactly four weeks before
your maternity leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don’t care
what you do for a living that’s your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to read so I networked
like a crazy person cuz again if you’re
a human being with a problem
you’ll solve it yeah and so if it
matters enough to you and so I got a job
and this was the first convo in Boston I
got a job the night before I was
supposed to go back I’ve been in the
media business for ten years when I tell
you that things have changed 1,000%
let me just give you an example my first
media deal I was signed by ABC that’s
right ABC the big dog crazy syndicated
shows I was signed by them to do a
talk-show deal now do you know what that
meant there was some executive that was
looking out over the sea of talent they
were meeting with agents they were
picking people they were doubting you
and then guess what if they did pick you
they owned everything they told you what
to do Oprah Sun anomaly the game was
gatekeepers a few media players a sea of
competition total scarcity now what is
it today holy it’s unbelievable if you
have an iPhone you can have a show if
you have an idea and you’re willing to
put it out there and you’re willing to
start sharing yourself on social media
you have a syndication platform there is
no one doubting you except for you and
that’s why I’m sitting here imploring
you I’m telling you right now if you
have a business if you have aspirations
if you have a dream the single biggest
opportunity in front of you is to put it
out on social media to start talking
about the things that interest you to
start sharing your ideas sharing and
documenting what you’re up to I
guarantee you you start doing that and
you’re gonna start amassing an audience
that you had no I
it was out there dying to connect with
you to learn from you and to grow with
you gave a speech yesterday in Dallas
after the speech it was a big audience
of people in financial services a guy
dressed to the nines and like one of
these super slick suits comes up to me
he says hey Mel you know really love the
five-second rule do you mind if I give
you some feedback feedback ah don’t you
hate getting feedback and then when
people actually preface it by saying can
I give you some feedback I don’t know
about you but literally my butt’s like
it just cannot and it I immediately go
on edge but here’s the thing about
feedback you have to take it you have to
take it it is critical critical critical
critical so I want to tell you number
one what the guy said to me my reaction
and then I want to give you my
philosophy about feedback because what
the guy said to me was so valuable and
it was also really hard for me to hear
Here I am
after the speech we’re surrounded by a
big group of people he walks up to me
and says when it’s his turn in the line
can I give you some feedback
I immediately tense up and this is what
he says Mel I love the concept of the
five-second rule
super cool idea can’t wait to try it
okay now comes the punch and the gun he
said you called it stupid so many times
during the speech it was off-putting
doesn’t that sound terrible that word
and he said I could tell that you were
doing it on purpose he’s right
in fact you called it stupid so many
times and yet you have these insanely
powerful examples of how people are
using it you came off as defensive when
he said this to me I’m literally you
know how you feel like you’re shrinking
in life or you’re like standing and
you’re full-size and then all of a
sudden somebody says some of you’re like
I just want to disappear right now and
the reason why it was such a zinger is
he was right he was absolutely right
you see I do call the five-second real
stupid because I’m in front of so many
analytical audiences I’m in front of
skeptics all the time and so I use it as
a pre-emptive way to disappear the
biggest push back on the five-second
rule which is on its face it sounds so
stupid and so simple there’s no way it
could be so powerful the problem
I’ve gotten lazy and I say it too much
he’s a hundred percent right and by
hearing that feedback I can make a
really simple tweak to my speech I can
call it stupid once or twice in the very
beginning and then I can transition to
calling it something that’s very simple
and powerful now that’s gonna help me
reach more people with the five-second
rule and here’s what I want to say about
feedback feedback is intense to receive
it really is because you are exposing
yourself to critical opinions it will
make you feel very vulnerable the way
that I handle feedback and process it
I’m very clear about the things that I
will receive feedback on and I’m very
clear about the things that I will not
receive feedback on and the reason why
is if you don’t listen to any feedback
at all guys you’re never gonna improve
you’re not gonna ever do anything new so
note feedback means nothing new if you
listen to everything that everybody says
in terms of feedback if you allow
everybody to weigh in on everything it’s
gonna become so paralyzing that you will
do nothing new so the key with feedback
is knowing yourself and knowing what you
actually accept feedback on and knowing
what you don’t accept feedback on so
many of us have this perfectionism gene
and the reason why we’re perfectionists
is we’re trying to insulate ourselves
from criticism that if you get it
perfect no one will give you feedback if
you get it right nobody’s going to
criticize you if you do it perfect then
no one will be able to attack you and
the problem with that and that’s just
another side of the same coin which is
the fear of disappointing people you’re
managing not disappointing people not by
lying and not by being codependent but
by actually trying to be a perfectionist
so that nobody criticizes you so let me
tell you a story about the fear of
disappointing people in my own life
because this is the biggest trigger in
my life I mean it goes back to being in
fourth grade right it’s there and this
is another thing I have to remind myself
of this everybody every single day you
cannot remove the things that trigger
you you can’t if you’ve been doing a
pattern since fourth grade there will be
things for the rest of your life that
will trigger that pattern to come up but
you can always choose
not to repeat the pattern so you’ll be
triggered and be afraid that you’re
gonna disappoint somebody that’s real
that’s normal it’s natural it’s part of
being a human being
I think it’s interwove and into every
relationship where you love somebody but
you don’t have to behave the way that
you always behaved when you’re nervous
about disappointing somebody so let me
give you a dumb story ready when my
husband and I got married my father gave
us this really incredible gift he gave
us an antique pool table I grew up in
Muskegon Michigan where Brunswick was
founded and my dad has a hobby of going
to garage sales and estate sales and
buying old dilapidated pool tables and
then he restores them so when Chris and
I got married he bought us an old
dilapidated pool table from the same era
as our house which is the 1870s he
restored the whole thing and then
recently he and I rented a u-haul and we
drove this sucker from Muskegon Michigan
to Boston Massachusetts my dad and I
took a road trip get there and we
assemble the pool table in what used to
be our playroom fast forward three or
four years the speaking business takes
off my business starts to grow we have
people that work for us and my kids are
older we don’t need a playroom we need
an office the pool table is in the
middle of this thing for the first two
years of having the office we kept the
pool table there why because I didn’t
want my dad to be disappointed because I
loved him now he visits our house twice
a year for two or three days with my mom
and I kept this thing occupying 1/3 of
our office for two years and then I
realized I’m being ridiculous I’m being
absolutely ridiculous now here’s the
thing
will he be disappointed if I take the
pool table down absolutely definitely
they’re always going to be things that
you do decisions that you have to make
in your life in your business for your
family that will disappoint other people
it’s unavoidable but the fact that he’s
going to be disappointed should never be
the reason that I don’t do something
that is aligned with my values now let’s
take it a step further when
you make a decision that is likely going
to disappoint people or that does still
make the decision because it’s your life
there’s nothing worse than when you
start to rob your future and your life
and your happiness because you’re so
focused on other people however if you
love people you can still take care of
them when you make that decision so let
me go back to the example of the pool
table so I knew I was gonna take it down
I knew my father was gonna be
disappointed I was disappointed I don’t
have a big house so I don’t eat you know
I don’t have the room for a huge pool
table I don’t have a finished basement
like a lot of people I don’t have like a
cool garage game room thing like I just
don’t happen I called him first and said
I need to talk to you about something
you know the pool table I love the pool
table dad my business is growing so much
I actually need an office and all great
it’ll be great in the office and I’m
like wow yeah would accept I have you
know through four people showing up we
got to put some desks in there for now
even went out while you could put a
piece of plywood and make it work on the
pool table and then they could do the
thing and then the thing and now my
heart is racing because I don’t want to
disappoint my dad and now he’s fighting
for the and I had to just say for me Dad
here’s what’s gonna happen
I’m gonna hire professional movers in
the pool table business to disassemble
this with love and care
we were gonna store it beautifully when
I either get a full-time office off-site
or I build a barn or I build a different
house this will have its own beautiful
room dedicated to you so we had this
beautiful conversation now was he
disappointed
absolutely when they come to the house
and visit which they just did and they
walk into the office do I feel a pang
you better believe I do it doesn’t
matter
that’s all normal I still need to make
the decisions that I need to make and
the difference what’s changed is how I
relate to that fear so instead of what I
would do in the past is I would make a
decision that doesn’t serve me it leave
the pool table and then I’d be all about
it I’d leave the pool table as a way to
make my dad happy but it makes me
miserable to leave it there because I
need the space right and then I’d be
kind of annoyed and then he’d come and
I’d fake play pool because I kind of
want to run you know you know you know
what I’m saying like we do all this but
that’s not real and what I’ve been able
to do for myself in some instances when
I sketch it is to hit it head-on and to
be authentic and to still take care of
people and what I’ve also come to learn
is that people can be disappointed in
you and they still love you you know
you’re never gonna get around this
everybody in your family is gonna be
disappointed with you probably once a
day probably and you have the ability to
retrain how you respond to that trigger
that rises up in you where you start to
fear that you’re disappointing somebody
and the answer really is make the
decision that’s aligned with your values
and the thing that supports you and then
take care of the person by being honest
and straightforward about it dealing
with their disappointment head-on
because that’s really the adult thing to
do and that’s what you do when you love
somebody the way we’ve all been handling
it myself
included is manipulation lying
resentment withholding and that doesn’t
serve anybody my life changed a couple
years ago and I discovered something
called the progress principle it is a
principle that was written about in the
Harvard Business Review it’s based on a
tremendous amount of research done by a
professor over there and what she
determined is that people that feel
happy and successful and fulfilled by
their lives and work they all have one
thing in common they feel as though
they’re making progress on something
that matters so I read this little bit
of research and I started applying it to
my life and what I do as as stupid as it
sounds it really works I don’t focus on
balancing everything I focus on just
making sure that I make progress on one
thing a day that’s right you heard me
one thing a day that matters to me now
if I can make progress on one thing a
day that matters to me
then I can let go and let the rest of my
day get hijacked by kids by spouse by
phone calls by emails by social media by
all kinds of things that come up and
tend to hijack your day when you’re a
busy person when you have a family when
you’re married when you got a lot going
on
and so by focusing on one thing a day I
feel the sense of control in the sense
of progress that science tells us will
make you happy and make you feel more
confident and actually make you more
effective at getting things done it also
frees me up to be more present with my kids
that fear isn’t real that is such a
bunch of baloney fear is so real in fact
there are probably things that you’re
afraid of doing right now in your life
in your relationships at work and the
fact that you’re afraid that’s robbing
you of all of the experiences that you
want to have in your life I mean if
you’re afraid to fly that’s gonna limit
your ability to travel and see the world
or go visit friends if you’re afraid of
public speaking that’s gonna really
limit your ability to express yourself
and share your ideas if you’re afraid of
talking to your boss or asking for a
raise
that directly impacts how much money you
make or what if you are dreaming of
starting a business or you’ve already
started a new business but you’re afraid
to talk to people and you’re afraid to
share your business with people I mean
fear is something that stops us all and
that’s why I’m here to talk to you
because it doesn’t have to fear is real
but I am gonna share a secret weapon
that I have used for years to beat every
single fear that used to stop me now
first before we get into the secret
weapon I just want to cover a few facts
about fear what it is what it isn’t and
some things that you may not know about
fear so first thing fear is a physical
state in your body that is exactly the
same as excitement let me say that again
fear and excitement are the exact same
physical state your heart races you
might sweat a little bit
you might feel tightening in your chest
you might feel a pit in your stomach you
have a surge of cortisol it’s basically
the way that your body goes into a hyper
aware state because it’s readying for
action now what’s the difference between
fear and excitement really simple the
only difference between fear and
excitement is what your brain is doing
as your body is all agitated if you’re
excited your brain is going
wow this is gonna be so cool to ride
this roller coaster if you’re afraid
your brains going oh no way there’s no
way I’m doing that this is dangerous get
out of there don’t do that it’s saying
something different so what’s critical
about understanding this is that we’re
gonna use the fact that your mind is
either working for you for excitement or
against you with fear to your advantage
I’ll tell you about it in just a minute
how you’re gonna do that second thing I
want you to understand is that you may
have heard the advice feel the fear and
do it anyway
you may have heard the advice oh just
try to calm down think positive thoughts
it doesn’t work does it and there’s a
reason why it doesn’t work so let’s go
back to fact number one when you’re
afraid your body’s in a state of arousal
on agitation it your heart is racing and
you’re all like amped up and you’re
hyper aware of what’s going on and
you’re freaking out a little bit what is
it like when you’re calm ah it just kind
of chilled right you got like this low
arousal state very very difficult to go
from a state of agitation of being all
jacked up and excited and weirded out uh
to a kind of state it doesn’t work it’s
like trying to stop a train by throwing
a boulder on the tracks it’s gonna make
the train jump off the tracks it’s gonna
cause a disaster in fact they’ve proven
in research that when you try to ignore
your fears it actually makes them worse
and they’ve also proven in research the
positive thinking alone also can make
your fears work worse so what do you do
what do you do when you’re about to go
talk to your boss and you feel afraid
what do you do when you have to get on a
plane and you’re actually terrified of
flying
what do you do if you got to give a
presentation and you are afraid of
public speaking
here’s what you’re gonna do you’re gonna
use a strategy the same one that I use
that has helped me beat every single
fear and turn me into somebody that is
terrific when it comes to a high-stress
situation this is how you do it you’re
going to use my five-second rule in
combination with what I call an anchor
thought and that is going to reframe
what your mind is doing so that your
mind goes from feeling agitation and
making you afraid to reframing it from
agitation to excitement it works like
magic now I have used this technique for
years literally for years and one of the
ways that I want to introduce you to it
is I want to take you backstage I want
to take you backstage to a speech that I
delivered this year and what you’re
gonna see is you’re gonna see me behind
you know the major set I’m about to walk
out you can kind of hear the crowd
roaring my introductory video is playing
my body is in a state of arousal
I am literally my heart is racing my
arms are sweating like it’s like you’re
gonna see this I’m gonna tell you about
it and you’re gonna watch me use this
same technique I’m gonna teach you to
reframe my nerves into excitement check
this out all right
I’m about to go onstage there’s 7,000
people out there and it’s so exciting
because what they don’t know is they’re
about to learn the five-second rule and
their lives will never be the same again
now I got to tell you my heart is racing
my armpits are sweating I have the exact
same physiological feeling as when I’m
afraid but I’m not afraid I’m excited
excitement and fear is the exact same
thing in your body it’s just what your
brain calls
here’s a trick that’s proven by science
that I use every time I speak when I
start to sweat when I start to have
butterflies when I start to have my
heart race
I say I’m excited I’m excited to get out
there I’m excited to talk to these
people I’m excited to share the
five-second rule and what that does is
it sends a message to my brain that
tells my brain why my body’s all
agitated and excited and that way I
don’t feel afraid
remember excitement and fear exact same
thing in your body the only difference
is what your brain calls it now I want
to give you one more example just to
make sure that you really get how you
can use this so a lot of you have
written to me about your fear of flying
and I can really relate to that fear
because I used to have the exact same
fear but I used this same strategy to
conquer it here’s how you’re going to do
it so first things first if you’ve got
to do something that really makes you
nervous or that you’re afraid to do
before you’re about to do it come up
with an anchor thought what’s an anchor
thought well an anchor thought is
something that’s going to anchor you so
that you don’t escalate any situation
into a full-blown panic attack or into a
situation where you screw things up it’s
a way for you to anchor yourself so you
maintain control over what you’re
thinking and how you behave so here’s an
example with flying it’s important when
you’re creating an anchor thought to
pick something that is in the proper
context of what you’re afraid to do so
for flying pick an anchor thought that
has to do with the trip that you’re
taking so if I’m boarding a plane to fly
back home to Michigan an anchor thought
might be a picture in my mind of my mom
and I walking on the shores of Lake
Michigan where I grew up that’s a
thought that makes me happy it makes me
excited and it’s also related to the
trip that I’m taking if you have a
conversation that you need to have with
your boss pick an anchor thought about
how you feel after having that
conversation maybe it’s you picking up
the phone and calling somebody that you
you love and saying oh my god
went so well or you know you
walking out of the meeting and feeling
like yeah I survived that conversation I
feel pretty good about myself so now
that you have your anchor thought you’re
ready to beat the fear is the biggest
obstacle that we face Thiago it’s simple
it’s self-doubt it’s not fear it’s not
lack of money it’s not lack of
supporters it’s the fact that deep down
inside
we’ll doubt yourself at critical moments
and here’s the problem with self-doubt
self-doubt doesn’t have to stop you the
problem is self-doubt is that the second
that you feel a little doubtful the
second that you start to question
yourself
you physically hesitate
that hesitation has become a habit that
stops you because the moment you
hesitate it wakes up your brain your
brain starts thinking and then you hold
yourself back you guys now I talked
about the five-second rule incessantly
it’s the title of the new book that I’m
writing that’s coming out in 2017 the
five-second rule is a tool that battles
self-doubt because in those moments
those those tiny micro moments when
you’re faced with should I do this or
should I not should I speak in a meeting
should I hold back my ideas should I
have this tough conversation or should I
wait till later
the second you doubt the option of
moving forward
yesterday
then you think
that’s how it happens every single time
that’s how you sabotage your success
of hesitating
moment that you feel is killing your
dreams
the single biggest obstacle in life
Deanna is the doubt that you feel and
the single biggest mistake that you’re
making is that you hesitate when you
feel it and you start to use the
five-second rule in those moments to
just physically move forward within five
seconds of feeling that doubt you’ll win
what energizes you and that we naturally
have a tremendous amount of body wisdom
about that and that every one of us has
an internal fuel tank that is either
empty or full and if you’re empty you
feel depleted if you’re full you feel
energized and so if you simply are in
any situation I mean any situation and
you pay attention within five seconds –
does this person energize me do they
deplete me where are they in the scale
you just gain some tremendous wisdom and
you the simple way to start to figure
out who you are and what you want is
start aligning yourself with more things
that energize you
so situationally if you’re lying in bed
and the snooze alarm goes or the alarm
goes off and you feel depleted and you
start reaching for the snooze button
that’s a really big sign that you need
to get out of bed now being depleted
versus energized has nothing to do with
whether or not things are hard or easy
it has to do with what naturally
actually either expands you or shrinks
you and so if you look at your client
list and measure it depleted versus
energized what shrinks versus expands me
you have the actual map and when you
start to find the courage to make
decisions
that energizes you and that expand you
whether they’re scariest or not that’s
when everything changes and so that’s
how I actually make business decisions
is this I don’t even like the money
conversation comes second it’s does this
deplete or energize me and if it
depletes me how do you move it in that
direction or how do I stay sane oh if it
energizes me how do I do more because if
you are energized or expanded by
something you will do it for no money
you will do it happily and you will
suddenly wake up and say oh my gosh like
my heart I’m pursuing my passion how did
that happen bot I’ve you feel stuck
because you’re waiting for some kind of
external force to either push you and
pressure you to change and to be great
and to be amazing or you’re waiting for
somebody to give you permission you’re
either sitting back because you need
some sort of external motivation from
somebody that’s gonna push you or praise
you or pressure you in order to change
or some life circumstance like maybe in
your past you’ve you’ve experienced
trauma or you face something really
scary and that was the thing that made
you change and then the second thing
that people wait around for is
permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you that is
such a losing bet it’s unbelievable
maybe you’ll get lucky maybe somebody
will come but more than likely no one is
coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody’s got to pick me or somebody’s
gonna discover me or somebody’s got to
give me permission to write this book
it’s it’s ridiculous this is external
versus internal force
and what you have to figure out if
you’re stuck is are you the kind of
person that is guilty of needing wanting
and waiting for external forces people
an event some outside force to kick you
in the ass you’ll finally do the stuff
that you’ve been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something
no one’s coming no one the people in
life that get what they want are the
ones that aren’t waiting for an external
force to validate their dreams to
inspire them to give them permission
it’s the people that realize that
success but happiness that control it
comes from the internal force and what
is the internal force it’s you it’s you
it’s you being able to realize that no
one’s gonna do the work for you it’s you
realizing that you’re never gonna feel
ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you’re definitely not gonna feel ready
and you’re gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that’s normal when you
start to feel like you’re stretching
yourself and you’re sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you’re taking
some risks that’s amazing cuz you’re
growing trying to become a fashion and
beauty blogger and murk and earn money
from it full time but I have some kind
of mental block and procrastination
problem this is something that we see
over and over and over again and it’s
this idea that you don’t ever start you
stay trapped in your head and if you
feel paralyzed if you’ve been spinning
the same ideas over and over and over
again then you know what I’m talking
about
you see many of you are thinking way too
big you’re attaching way too much
pressure on the things that you’re
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion you won’t even know if you
like it so thinking that you have a
dream about doing it and thinking that
you have this grand plan that you’re
gonna do it full-time it is a complete
and utter waste of your time to be
dreaming that big and let me tell you
why because oftentimes if you’re the
person like Vicki that’s getting trapped
up here the bigness of what you’re
thinking about is what’s stopping you
what I want you to do if you’re in
Vicki’s situation is I want you to stop
dreaming and I want you to just start
doing small things I want you to go back
to curiosity and less into crushing your
big goals you think about life and
business and success is that you have to
be willing to start and for people that
procrastinate starting is the hardest
part for people that worry for people
that think too big starting is the
hardest part folks that study
procrastination talk about the fact that
the only way to beat procrastination is
to create what they call a starting
ritual which is a way to push yourself
to get started because all the research
shows that if we can push you to get
started on something you’ll likely keep
going spend a lot of time talking about
mindset from the standpoint of think
positive so positive things happen and I
do believe in having a positive mindset
obviously I think that the actions that
you take are way more important in terms
of developing that mindset but we don’t
spend enough time on what you were just
talking about which is understanding how
the automatic nature of worrying about
stuff all day long how that is making
you less money how it is making you less
happy how it is disconnecting you from
your spouse how it is keeping you
unhealthy and how it is a habit that
robs you of joy and opportunity and
power and it is one of the easiest
habits to break number one your life
happens in five-second windows number
two in five seconds you can control what
you think you can decide what you’re
going to do and you can change
absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the
five-second rule is a mind trick that’s
all that it is a fancy way to call it as
a you know it’s a form of metacognition
but it’s basically a hack it’s a cheat
code okay and the way that it works and
this is the challenge with getting it
out there is that it sounds so
profoundly stupid like a gimmick that it
took a while for people to actually take
it seriously I get that and to really
stack up the science to make you know
anybody that interacts with it go holy
like this actually works yeah so
here’s what it is basically the moment
you catch yourself hesitating or
doubting or starting to worry or about
to chicken out or shrink or shut up or
whatever it is that you’re about to do
that is shrinking your power you just go
5 4 3 2 1 you count backwards 5 4 3 2 1
what happens when you do that don’t do
it out loud because it’ll scare somebody
it’s like although you know we say it’s
it’s so simple that people live skit in
the making because that means I’ve
really made it through your kids will
use it on you so my kids will use it on
me so if I have a certain tone that
comes out I’ll hear my child go 5 4
through watch that tone mom you know
just alright mom 5 4 3 2 1 I thought
you’re gonna go to the gym yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you’re doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it’s a little trick that causes focus
and it’s it’s a lot like having a mantra
because you’re shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain away
in this part of the brain and then move
and what happens with the counting
backwards is there’s nowhere to go after
one and your mind is socialized in a
countdown situation to go and so
counting up won’t work because you can
keep forever and you do it in many
aspects of your life so it’s actually
not something that requires any focus
I’m the kind of person that believes you
should always make decisions with your
heart and soul you can use your brain
for math you can use your brain to look
at the fine print in a contract but when
it comes to the actual feel of the
decision you always want to go inward
and check it against your heart and soul
how do you do that here’s the simple
test does the decision that you’re about
to make expand you expand your future or
expand the possibilities of your life if
the answer is yes then the decision is
yes no matter how terrifying it is if
you conversely look at the choice that
you have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there’s always a short-term and a
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that’s based in your
heart in your soul
sometimes it’s terrifying because
sometimes it means moving or it means
changing a job or changing a
relationship or having a difficult
conversation or starting something new
and those sorts of things are always
uncomfortable so brace for impact put
the force fields up but make the
decision anyway because the long-term
impact of making a decision from your
heart and soul
that is where the best life comes from
because you’re living for what’s true
for you not what’s safe in the moment I
think everybody has fear all wrong
people have so many theories about fear
they talk about oh I’m afraid of success
no I’m afraid of failure I’m afraid of
intimacy I’m afraid of heights I’m
afraid of this I’m afraid of that I’m
afraid of the other thing there’s
actually only two fears only two and if
you’re in sales which you are or even if
you’re not
life is about persuading people life is
about influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don’t know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear first things first when
I wake up in the morning and I do not
sleep next to my phone the reason why I
don’t sleep next to my phone is because
sleeping next to it or use it as your
alarm your tendency is to look at it
while you’re in bed that means that
you’re checking email before you’ve even
thought about what your priorities are
do not do that that’s tip number one tip
number two I have a pad of post-it notes
yes post-it notes next to my sink in at
my bathroom why well because after I
brush my teeth haven’t looked at my
phone yet I take a post-it note out and
I write the three things I need to focus
on today and then you know what I do
with it
I stick it on the back of my phone now
why would I do that because I have my
phone with me all the time and so if
it’s on the back of my phone I’m gonna
get a visual cue to remind me exhibit
top of mine so I stay focused on it
third thing that I do it’s a little
trick I call 30 before 7:30 what that
means I spend 30 minutes
before 7:30 a.m. just focused on getting
my day organized and getting a few of
the things that are my top priorities
either finished or further down the
field so that’s 30 minutes before 7:30
a.m. it’s time for me if you utilize
those three things don’t sleep with your
phone
right after you brush your teeth right
out of your three priorities and stick
it on the back of your phone just like
this and spend 30 minutes before 7:30
for yourself I promise you you’ll be
shocked at how much more focused you are
and you feel many of you are sitting
around waiting to feel ready you can
still move forward when you’re not ready
too many of you are waiting to feel like
you deserve to make six figures it’s
about the action your mind your history
your past you will always have a million
excuses not to do it not to feel like it
not to believe in yourself they’re all
the only thing that matters in your life
and your business is the actions that
you’re taking and the more consistently
that you take action the faster you will
start to believe in yourself because you
will see proof that you are not the kind
of person that sits around and feels
unworthy that you’re not a victim that
sits by and get sucked into other
people’s stuff that you’re not that kind
of person so it won’t make sense to
believe it anymore but it starts with
action I believe in all of you and I
believe in your ability to get it done
but it’s going to be up to you who is
the problem
yeah who is the solution that’s right
don’t we feel like that it’s the biggest
mistake you could possibly make it
remember that you’re smart remember that
you know what to do and just get it done
what’s fascinates me about human beings
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn’t it crazy as long as the
suckiness as a routine but the second
you get thrown out of your routine or
the second that whether it’s because you
lose a job or somebody moves or somebody
dies or somebody breaks up with you or
you break like all of a sudden that
awakens the courage in you to make a
change because she you know either you
have no choice or now you got a problem
to solve but fighting that inertia of
life is the most difficult thing in the
world I ended up getting a job with a
law firm because it was the path of
least resistance in Boston in Boston I
hated it
because I went from being in the
courtroom to writing briefs all day and
luckily I got pregnant with our first
daughter who just is starting college
which makes me feel so ancient I just
want to like punch myself in the face if
I have a 18 year old freshman in college
um thank you but I got pregnant with her
and when she was born I had horrific
postpartum depression Wow I mean the
really scary kind where you can’t be
alone with the baby you’re on crazy meds
that turn you at not the kind you take
recreationally yeah these are the kind
that like turn you into a zombie and it
was a really scary thing and I I when I
kind of came out of the eight-week
trance of that I looked up at Chris and
said I’ve made a decision and he said
okay what would that be and I said
I don’t ever want to answer the question
what do you do for a living with the
response I’m a lawyer and he said okay
you realize we’ve just bought this house
and we have a kid and we have orders to
pay and he said so here’s the deal
you’ve got exactly four weeks before
your maternity leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don’t care
what you do for a living that’s your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to read so I networked
like a crazy person cuz again if you’re
a human being with a problem
you’ll solve it yeah and so if it
matters enough to you and so I got a job
and this was the first convo in Boston I
got a job the night before I was
supposed to go back I’ve been in the
media business for ten years when I tell
you that things have changed 1,000%
let me just give you an example my first
media deal I was signed by ABC that’s
right ABC the big dog crazy syndicated
shows I was signed by them to do a
talk-show deal now do you know what that
meant there was some executive that was
looking out over the sea of talent they
were meeting with agents they were
picking people they were doubting you
and then guess what if they did pick you
they owned everything they told you what
to do Oprah Sun anomaly the game was
gatekeepers a few media players a sea of
competition total scarcity now what is
it today holy it’s unbelievable if you
have an iPhone you can have a show if
you have an idea and you’re willing to
put it out there and you’re willing to
start sharing yourself on social media
you have a syndication platform there is
no one doubting you except for you and
that’s why I’m sitting here imploring
you I’m telling you right now if you
have a business if you have aspirations
if you have a dream the single biggest
opportunity in front of you is to put it
out on social media to start talking
about the things that interest you to
start sharing your ideas sharing and
documenting what you’re up to I
guarantee you you start doing that and
you’re gonna start amassing an audience
that you had no I
it was out there dying to connect with
you to learn from you and to grow with
you gave a speech yesterday in Dallas
after the speech it was a big audience
of people in financial services a guy
dressed to the nines and like one of
these super slick suits comes up to me
he says hey Mel you know really love the
five-second rule do you mind if I give
you some feedback feedback ah don’t you
hate getting feedback and then when
people actually preface it by saying can
I give you some feedback I don’t know
about you but literally my butt’s like
it just cannot and it I immediately go
on edge but here’s the thing about
feedback you have to take it you have to
take it it is critical critical critical
critical so I want to tell you number
one what the guy said to me my reaction
and then I want to give you my
philosophy about feedback because what
the guy said to me was so valuable and
it was also really hard for me to hear
Here I am
after the speech we’re surrounded by a
big group of people he walks up to me
and says when it’s his turn in the line
can I give you some feedback
I immediately tense up and this is what
he says Mel I love the concept of the
five-second rule
super cool idea can’t wait to try it
okay now comes the punch and the gun he
said you called it stupid so many times
during the speech it was off-putting
doesn’t that sound terrible that word
and he said I could tell that you were
doing it on purpose he’s right
in fact you called it stupid so many
times and yet you have these insanely
powerful examples of how people are
using it you came off as defensive when
he said this to me I’m literally you
know how you feel like you’re shrinking
in life or you’re like standing and
you’re full-size and then all of a
sudden somebody says some of you’re like
I just want to disappear right now and
the reason why it was such a zinger is
he was right he was absolutely right
you see I do call the five-second real
stupid because I’m in front of so many
analytical audiences I’m in front of
skeptics all the time and so I use it as
a pre-emptive way to disappear the
biggest push back on the five-second
rule which is on its face it sounds so
stupid and so simple there’s no way it
could be so powerful the problem
I’ve gotten lazy and I say it too much
he’s a hundred percent right and by
hearing that feedback I can make a
really simple tweak to my speech I can
call it stupid once or twice in the very
beginning and then I can transition to
calling it something that’s very simple
and powerful now that’s gonna help me
reach more people with the five-second
rule and here’s what I want to say about
feedback feedback is intense to receive
it really is because you are exposing
yourself to critical opinions it will
make you feel very vulnerable the way
that I handle feedback and process it
I’m very clear about the things that I
will receive feedback on and I’m very
clear about the things that I will not
receive feedback on and the reason why
is if you don’t listen to any feedback
at all guys you’re never gonna improve
you’re not gonna ever do anything new so
note feedback means nothing new if you
listen to everything that everybody says
in terms of feedback if you allow
everybody to weigh in on everything it’s
gonna become so paralyzing that you will
do nothing new so the key with feedback
is knowing yourself and knowing what you
actually accept feedback on and knowing
what you don’t accept feedback on so
many of us have this perfectionism gene
and the reason why we’re perfectionists
is we’re trying to insulate ourselves
from criticism that if you get it
perfect no one will give you feedback if
you get it right nobody’s going to
criticize you if you do it perfect then
no one will be able to attack you and
the problem with that and that’s just
another side of the same coin which is
the fear of disappointing people you’re
managing not disappointing people not by
lying and not by being codependent but
by actually trying to be a perfectionist
so that nobody criticizes you so let me
tell you a story about the fear of
disappointing people in my own life
because this is the biggest trigger in
my life I mean it goes back to being in
fourth grade right it’s there and this
is another thing I have to remind myself
of this everybody every single day you
cannot remove the things that trigger
you you can’t if you’ve been doing a
pattern since fourth grade there will be
things for the rest of your life that
will trigger that pattern to come up but
you can always choose
not to repeat the pattern so you’ll be
triggered and be afraid that you’re
gonna disappoint somebody that’s real
that’s normal it’s natural it’s part of
being a human being
I think it’s interwove and into every
relationship where you love somebody but
you don’t have to behave the way that
you always behaved when you’re nervous
about disappointing somebody so let me
give you a dumb story ready when my
husband and I got married my father gave
us this really incredible gift he gave
us an antique pool table I grew up in
Muskegon Michigan where Brunswick was
founded and my dad has a hobby of going
to garage sales and estate sales and
buying old dilapidated pool tables and
then he restores them so when Chris and
I got married he bought us an old
dilapidated pool table from the same era
as our house which is the 1870s he
restored the whole thing and then
recently he and I rented a u-haul and we
drove this sucker from Muskegon Michigan
to Boston Massachusetts my dad and I
took a road trip get there and we
assemble the pool table in what used to
be our playroom fast forward three or
four years the speaking business takes
off my business starts to grow we have
people that work for us and my kids are
older we don’t need a playroom we need
an office the pool table is in the
middle of this thing for the first two
years of having the office we kept the
pool table there why because I didn’t
want my dad to be disappointed because I
loved him now he visits our house twice
a year for two or three days with my mom
and I kept this thing occupying 1/3 of
our office for two years and then I
realized I’m being ridiculous I’m being
absolutely ridiculous now here’s the
thing
will he be disappointed if I take the
pool table down absolutely definitely
they’re always going to be things that
you do decisions that you have to make
in your life in your business for your
family that will disappoint other people
it’s unavoidable but the fact that he’s
going to be disappointed should never be
the reason that I don’t do something
that is aligned with my values now let’s
take it a step further when
you make a decision that is likely going
to disappoint people or that does still
make the decision because it’s your life
there’s nothing worse than when you
start to rob your future and your life
and your happiness because you’re so
focused on other people however if you
love people you can still take care of
them when you make that decision so let
me go back to the example of the pool
table so I knew I was gonna take it down
I knew my father was gonna be
disappointed I was disappointed I don’t
have a big house so I don’t eat you know
I don’t have the room for a huge pool
table I don’t have a finished basement
like a lot of people I don’t have like a
cool garage game room thing like I just
don’t happen I called him first and said
I need to talk to you about something
you know the pool table I love the pool
table dad my business is growing so much
I actually need an office and all great
it’ll be great in the office and I’m
like wow yeah would accept I have you
know through four people showing up we
got to put some desks in there for now
even went out while you could put a
piece of plywood and make it work on the
pool table and then they could do the
thing and then the thing and now my
heart is racing because I don’t want to
disappoint my dad and now he’s fighting
for the and I had to just say for me Dad
here’s what’s gonna happen
I’m gonna hire professional movers in
the pool table business to disassemble
this with love and care
we were gonna store it beautifully when
I either get a full-time office off-site
or I build a barn or I build a different
house this will have its own beautiful
room dedicated to you so we had this
beautiful conversation now was he
disappointed
absolutely when they come to the house
and visit which they just did and they
walk into the office do I feel a pang
you better believe I do it doesn’t
matter
that’s all normal I still need to make
the decisions that I need to make and
the difference what’s changed is how I
relate to that fear so instead of what I
would do in the past is I would make a
decision that doesn’t serve me it leave
the pool table and then I’d be all about
it I’d leave the pool table as a way to
make my dad happy but it makes me
miserable to leave it there because I
need the space right and then I’d be
kind of annoyed and then he’d come and
I’d fake play pool because I kind of
want to run you know you know you know
what I’m saying like we do all this but
that’s not real and what I’ve been able
to do for myself in some instances when
I sketch it is to hit it head-on and to
be authentic and to still take care of
people and what I’ve also come to learn
is that people can be disappointed in
you and they still love you you know
you’re never gonna get around this
everybody in your family is gonna be
disappointed with you probably once a
day probably and you have the ability to
retrain how you respond to that trigger
that rises up in you where you start to
fear that you’re disappointing somebody
and the answer really is make the
decision that’s aligned with your values
and the thing that supports you and then
take care of the person by being honest
and straightforward about it dealing
with their disappointment head-on
because that’s really the adult thing to
do and that’s what you do when you love
somebody the way we’ve all been handling
it myself
included is manipulation lying
resentment withholding and that doesn’t
serve anybody my life changed a couple
years ago and I discovered something
called the progress principle it is a
principle that was written about in the
Harvard Business Review it’s based on a
tremendous amount of research done by a
professor over there and what she
determined is that people that feel
happy and successful and fulfilled by
their lives and work they all have one
thing in common they feel as though
they’re making progress on something
that matters so I read this little bit
of research and I started applying it to
my life and what I do as as stupid as it
sounds it really works I don’t focus on
balancing everything I focus on just
making sure that I make progress on one
thing a day that’s right you heard me
one thing a day that matters to me now
if I can make progress on one thing a
day that matters to me
then I can let go and let the rest of my
day get hijacked by kids by spouse by
phone calls by emails by social media by
all kinds of things that come up and
tend to hijack your day when you’re a
busy person when you have a family when
you’re married when you got a lot going
on
and so by focusing on one thing a day I
feel the sense of control in the sense
of progress that science tells us will
make you happy and make you feel more
confident and actually make you more
effective at getting things done it also
frees me up to be more present with my kids
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