it’s fascinates me about human beings
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn’t that crazy
as long as the suckiness is a routine
but the second you get thrown out of
your routine or the second that whether
it’s because you lose a job or somebody
moves or somebody dies or somebody
breaks up with you or you break like all
of a sudden that awakens the courage in
you to make a change because she you
know either you have no choice or now
you got a problem to solve you know but
fighting that inertia of life is the
most difficult thing in the world I
ended up getting a job with a law firm
because it was the path of least
resistance in Boston in Boston I hated
it because I went from being in the
courtroom to writing briefs all day and
luckily I got pregnant with our first
daughter who just is starting college
which makes me feel so ancient I just
want to like punch myself in the face I
have a 18 year old freshman in college
um thank you but I got pregnant with her
and when she was born I had horrific
postpartum depression Wow I mean the
really scary kind where you can’t be
alone with the baby you’re on crazy meds
that turn you at like not the kind you
take recreationally yeah these are the
kind that like turn you into a zombie
and it was a really scary thing and I I
when I kind of came out of the
eight-week trance of that I looked up at
Chris and said I’ve made a decision
and he said okay what would that be and
I said I don’t ever want to answer the
question what do you do for a living
with the response I’m a lawyer and he
said
okay you realize we’ve just bought this
house and we have a kid and we have
orders to pay and he said so here’s the
deal you’ve got exactly four weeks
before your maternity leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don’t care
what you do for a living that’s your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to read so I networked
like a crazy person cuz again if you’re
a human being with a problem you’ll
solve it yeah and so if it matters
enough to you and so I got a job and
this was the first combo in Boston I got
a job the night before I was supposed to
go back the kind of person that believes
you should always make decisions with
your heart and soul you can use your
brain for math you can use your brain to
look at the fine print in a contract but
when it comes to the actual feel of the
decision you always want to go inward
and check it against your heart and soul
how do you do that here’s the simple
test does the decision that you’re about
to make expand you expand your future or
expand the possibilities of your life if
the answer is yes then the decision is
yes no matter how terrifying it is if
you conversely look at the choice that
you have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there’s always a short-term and a
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that’s based in your
heart your soul sometimes it’s
terrifying because sometimes it means
moving or it means changing a job or
changing a relationship or having a
difficult conversation or starting
something new and those sorts of things
are always uncomfortable so brace for
impact
put the force fields up but
make the decision anyway because the
long-term impact of making a decision
from your heart and soul that is where
the best life comes from because you’re
living for what’s true for you not
what’s safe in the moment I believe that
passion is another word for energy
that’s it
what do you have energy for what
energizes you and that we naturally have
a tremendous amount of body wisdom about
that and that every one of us has an
internal fuel tank that is either empty
or full and if you’re empty you feel
depleted if you’re full you feel
energized and so if you simply are in
any situation I mean any situation and
you pay attention within five seconds –
does this person energize me do they
deplete me where are they in the scale
you just gain some tremendous wisdom and
you the simple way to start to figure
out who you are and what you want is
start aligning yourself with more things
that energize you so situationally if
you’re lying in bed and the snooze alarm
goes or the alarm goes off and you feel
depleted and you start reaching for the
snooze button that’s a really big sign
that you need to get out of bed now
being depleted versus energized has
nothing to do with whether or not things
are hard or easy it has to do with what
naturally actually either expands you or
shrinks you and so if you look at your
client list and measure it depleted
versus energized what shrinks versus
expands me you have the actual map and
when you start to find the courage to
make decisions
that energizes you and that expand you
whether they’re scariest or not that’s
when everything changes and so that’s
how I actually make business decisions
is this I don’t even like the money
conversation comes second
it’s does this deplete or energize me
and if it depletes me how do you move it
in that direction or how do I stay sane
oh if it energizes me how do I do more
because if you are energized or expanded
by something you will do it for no money
you will do it happily and you will
suddenly wake up and say oh my gosh like
my heart I’m pursuing my passion I
started to have these panic attacks and
I didn’t know what was wrong and I went
to see one of the like health people at
campus and they referred me to somebody
and the doctor said oh well you just
have anxiety and you’re having panic and
and then he said I think you should go
on Zoloft and then I had anxiety about
taking a drug because you know it might
change me you haven’t forbid right yeah
I’m so stable why would I want to be
changed to like and that’s the funny
thing is that is that those of us that
struggle with these kinds of things
we’re terrified of taking any kind of
medication because we’re afraid of not
being ourselves and yet the anxiety or
the depression or whatever you struggle
with is actually keeping you from being
yourself the things I hear that’s the
anchor yeah yeah and so I argued with
him like a lawyer for six months and
then finally I gave in and started
taking Zoloft and it was like a miracle
when I took it it was literally as if
somebody had taken a volume dial and
turned it to zero and that voice that
would sound off in my head on a loop
that triggered all the body sensations
we’re going to talk a lot about this
tomorrow like the difference between
worry and how that triggers anxiety and
then the difference between anxiety and
panic and then how you can utilize the
tools that I’m talking about to curb the
worrying to control the anxiety to
stabilize the panic and like really self
monitor and see I think that is the
single greatest
skill that anybody could have the
ability to self-monitor you could call
it mindset you could call it
self-awareness but truly to be so in
tune with yourself that in a nanosecond
you pick up when things are going south
with your thoughts feel stuck because
you’re waiting for some kind of external
force to either push you and pressure
you to change and to be great and to be
amazing or you’re waiting for somebody
to give you permission you’re either
sitting back because you need some sort
of external motivation from somebody
that’s gonna push you or praise you or
pressure you in order to change or some
life circumstance like maybe in your
past you’ve experienced trauma or you
face something really scary and that was
the thing that made you change and then
the second thing that people wait around
for is permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you that is
such a losing bet it’s unbelievable
maybe you’ll get lucky maybe somebody
will come but more than likely no one is
coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody’s got to pick me or somebody’s
gonna discover me or somebody’s got to
give me permission to write this book
it’s it’s ridiculous this is external
versus internal force and what you have
to figure out if you’re stuck is are you
the kind of person that is guilty of
needing wanting and waiting for external
forces people out of
some outside force to kick you in the
ass that you’ll finally do the stuff
that you’ve been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something no one’s
coming no one the people in life that
get what they want are the ones that
aren’t waiting for an external force to
validate their dreams to inspire them to
give them permission it’s the people
that realize that success but happiness
that control it comes from the internal
force and what is the internal force
it’s you it’s you it’s you being able to
realize that no one’s going to do the
work for you it’s you realizing that
you’re never gonna feel ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you’re definitely not going to feel
ready and you’re gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that’s normal when you
start to feel like you’re stretching
yourself and you’re sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you’re taking
some risks that’s amazing
cuz you’re growing people have so many
theories about fear they talk about oh
I’m afraid of success know I’m afraid of
failure I’m afraid of intimacy I’m
afraid of heights I’m afraid of this I’m
afraid of that I’m afraid of the other
thing there’s actually only two fears
and if you’re in sales which you are or
even if you’re not
life is about persuading people life is
about influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don’t know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear you don’t ever start
you stay trapped in your head and if you
feel paralyzed if you’ve been spinning
the same ideas over and over and over
again then you know what I’m talking
about you see many of you are thinking
way too Vic you’re attaching way too
much pressure on the things that you’re
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion you won’t even know if you
like it so thinking that you have a
dream about doing it and thinking that
you have this grand plan that you’re
gonna do it full-time it is a complete
and utter waste of your time to be
dreaming that big and let me tell you
why because oftentimes if you’re the
kind of person like Vicky that’s getting
trapped up here the bigness of what
you’re thinking about is what’s stopping
you what I want you to do if you’re in
Vicki’s situation is I want you to stop
dreaming and I want you to just start
doing small things I want you to go back
to curiosity and less into crushing your
big goals you think about life and
business and success is that you have to
be willing to start and for people that
procrastinate starting is the hardest
part for
people that worry for people that think
too big starting is the hardest part
folks that study procrastination talk
about the fact that the only way to beat
procrastination is to create what they
call a starting ritual which is a way to
push yourself to get started because all
the research shows that if we can push
you to get started on something you’ll
likely keep going we spend a lot of time
talking about mindset from the
standpoint of think positive so positive
things happen and I do believe in having
a positive mindset obviously I think
that the actions that you take are way
more important in terms of developing
that mindset but we don’t spend enough
time on what you were just talking about
which is understanding how the automatic
nature of worrying about stuff all day
long
how that is making you less money how it
is making you less happy how it is
disconnecting you from your spouse how
it is keeping you unhealthy and how it
is a habit that robs you of joy and
opportunity and power and it is one of
the easiest habits to break number one
your life happens in five-second windows
number two in five seconds you can
control what you think you can decide
what you’re going to do and you can
change absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the
five-second rule is a mind trick that’s
all that it is a fancy way to call it as
a you know it’s a form of metacognition
but it’s basically a hack it’s a cheat
code okay and the way that it works and
this is the challenge with getting it
out there is that it sounds so
profoundly stupid like a gimmick that it
took a while for people to actually take
it seriously I get
and to really stack up the science to
make you know anybody that interacts
with it go holy Sh like this actually
works yeah so here’s what it is
basically the moment you catch yourself
hesitating or doubting or starting to
worry or about to chicken out or shrink
or shut up or whatever it is that you’re
about to do that is shrinking your power
you just go 5 4 3 2 1 you count
backwards 5 4 3 2 1
what happens when you do that don’t do
it out loud because it’ll scare somebody
it’s like going although you know we say
it’s it’s so simple that people live
skit in the making love that because
that means I’ve really made it through
your kids will use it on you so my kids
will use it on me so if I have a certain
tone that comes out I’ll hear my child
here we go 5 4 thru watch that tone mom
you know just alright mom 5 4 3 2 and I
thought you’re gonna go to the gym yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you’re doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it’s a little trick that causes focus
and it’s it’s a lot like having a mantra
because you’re shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain awaken
this part of the brain and then move and
what happens with the counting backwards
is there’s nowhere to go after one and
your mind is socialized in a countdown
situation to go and so counting up won’t
work because you can keep going forever
and you do it in many aspects of your
life so it’s actually not something that requires any focus
and it fascinates me about myself is
that we have such a high tolerance for
suckiness isn’t that crazy
as long as the suckiness is a routine
but the second you get thrown out of
your routine or the second that whether
it’s because you lose a job or somebody
moves or somebody dies or somebody
breaks up with you or you break like all
of a sudden that awakens the courage in
you to make a change because she you
know either you have no choice or now
you got a problem to solve you know but
fighting that inertia of life is the
most difficult thing in the world I
ended up getting a job with a law firm
because it was the path of least
resistance in Boston in Boston I hated
it because I went from being in the
courtroom to writing briefs all day and
luckily I got pregnant with our first
daughter who just is starting college
which makes me feel so ancient I just
want to like punch myself in the face I
have a 18 year old freshman in college
um thank you but I got pregnant with her
and when she was born I had horrific
postpartum depression Wow I mean the
really scary kind where you can’t be
alone with the baby you’re on crazy meds
that turn you at like not the kind you
take recreationally yeah these are the
kind that like turn you into a zombie
and it was a really scary thing and I I
when I kind of came out of the
eight-week trance of that I looked up at
Chris and said I’ve made a decision
and he said okay what would that be and
I said I don’t ever want to answer the
question what do you do for a living
with the response I’m a lawyer and he
said
okay you realize we’ve just bought this
house and we have a kid and we have
orders to pay and he said so here’s the
deal you’ve got exactly four weeks
before your maternity leave is over
you need to make $60,000 I don’t care
what you do for a living that’s your
problem go solve it and the night before
I was supposed to read so I networked
like a crazy person cuz again if you’re
a human being with a problem you’ll
solve it yeah and so if it matters
enough to you and so I got a job and
this was the first combo in Boston I got
a job the night before I was supposed to
go back the kind of person that believes
you should always make decisions with
your heart and soul you can use your
brain for math you can use your brain to
look at the fine print in a contract but
when it comes to the actual feel of the
decision you always want to go inward
and check it against your heart and soul
how do you do that here’s the simple
test does the decision that you’re about
to make expand you expand your future or
expand the possibilities of your life if
the answer is yes then the decision is
yes no matter how terrifying it is if
you conversely look at the choice that
you have to make and the decision will
shrink you will silence you will inhibit
you in some way then the answer is no no
matter how easy the decision is no
matter how safe the decision is the
answer is no now one of the things I
want to point out that when you start to
use this does it expand or does it
shrink me does it open possibilities or
does it keep things closed does it raise
my voice or does it silence me right is
that there’s always a short-term and a
long-term impact to the decision the
short-term impact to making an expansive
decision a decision that’s based in your
heart your soul sometimes it’s
terrifying because sometimes it means
moving or it means changing a job or
changing a relationship or having a
difficult conversation or starting
something new and those sorts of things
are always uncomfortable so brace for
impact
put the force fields up but
make the decision anyway because the
long-term impact of making a decision
from your heart and soul that is where
the best life comes from because you’re
living for what’s true for you not
what’s safe in the moment I believe that
passion is another word for energy
that’s it
what do you have energy for what
energizes you and that we naturally have
a tremendous amount of body wisdom about
that and that every one of us has an
internal fuel tank that is either empty
or full and if you’re empty you feel
depleted if you’re full you feel
energized and so if you simply are in
any situation I mean any situation and
you pay attention within five seconds –
does this person energize me do they
deplete me where are they in the scale
you just gain some tremendous wisdom and
you the simple way to start to figure
out who you are and what you want is
start aligning yourself with more things
that energize you so situationally if
you’re lying in bed and the snooze alarm
goes or the alarm goes off and you feel
depleted and you start reaching for the
snooze button that’s a really big sign
that you need to get out of bed now
being depleted versus energized has
nothing to do with whether or not things
are hard or easy it has to do with what
naturally actually either expands you or
shrinks you and so if you look at your
client list and measure it depleted
versus energized what shrinks versus
expands me you have the actual map and
when you start to find the courage to
make decisions
that energizes you and that expand you
whether they’re scariest or not that’s
when everything changes and so that’s
how I actually make business decisions
is this I don’t even like the money
conversation comes second
it’s does this deplete or energize me
and if it depletes me how do you move it
in that direction or how do I stay sane
oh if it energizes me how do I do more
because if you are energized or expanded
by something you will do it for no money
you will do it happily and you will
suddenly wake up and say oh my gosh like
my heart I’m pursuing my passion I
started to have these panic attacks and
I didn’t know what was wrong and I went
to see one of the like health people at
campus and they referred me to somebody
and the doctor said oh well you just
have anxiety and you’re having panic and
and then he said I think you should go
on Zoloft and then I had anxiety about
taking a drug because you know it might
change me you haven’t forbid right yeah
I’m so stable why would I want to be
changed to like and that’s the funny
thing is that is that those of us that
struggle with these kinds of things
we’re terrified of taking any kind of
medication because we’re afraid of not
being ourselves and yet the anxiety or
the depression or whatever you struggle
with is actually keeping you from being
yourself the things I hear that’s the
anchor yeah yeah and so I argued with
him like a lawyer for six months and
then finally I gave in and started
taking Zoloft and it was like a miracle
when I took it it was literally as if
somebody had taken a volume dial and
turned it to zero and that voice that
would sound off in my head on a loop
that triggered all the body sensations
we’re going to talk a lot about this
tomorrow like the difference between
worry and how that triggers anxiety and
then the difference between anxiety and
panic and then how you can utilize the
tools that I’m talking about to curb the
worrying to control the anxiety to
stabilize the panic and like really self
monitor and see I think that is the
single greatest
skill that anybody could have the
ability to self-monitor you could call
it mindset you could call it
self-awareness but truly to be so in
tune with yourself that in a nanosecond
you pick up when things are going south
with your thoughts feel stuck because
you’re waiting for some kind of external
force to either push you and pressure
you to change and to be great and to be
amazing or you’re waiting for somebody
to give you permission you’re either
sitting back because you need some sort
of external motivation from somebody
that’s gonna push you or praise you or
pressure you in order to change or some
life circumstance like maybe in your
past you’ve experienced trauma or you
face something really scary and that was
the thing that made you change and then
the second thing that people wait around
for is permission
look those may or may not come in your
life if you are somebody that is sitting
around waiting for some external force
to come and do the work for you that is
such a losing bet it’s unbelievable
maybe you’ll get lucky maybe somebody
will come but more than likely no one is
coming
the only kind of force that will truly
create change in your life is you the
internal kind of force I hate to say it
but for those of you that feel really
really stuck and you keep thinking that
somebody’s got to pick me or somebody’s
gonna discover me or somebody’s got to
give me permission to write this book
it’s it’s ridiculous this is external
versus internal force and what you have
to figure out if you’re stuck is are you
the kind of person that is guilty of
needing wanting and waiting for external
forces people out of
some outside force to kick you in the
ass that you’ll finally do the stuff
that you’ve been dreaming about doing I
want to tell you something no one’s
coming no one the people in life that
get what they want are the ones that
aren’t waiting for an external force to
validate their dreams to inspire them to
give them permission it’s the people
that realize that success but happiness
that control it comes from the internal
force and what is the internal force
it’s you it’s you it’s you being able to
realize that no one’s going to do the
work for you it’s you realizing that
you’re never gonna feel ready
in fact even as you start working toward
the things that you really want to do
you’re definitely not going to feel
ready and you’re gonna feel outside your
comfort zone and that’s normal when you
start to feel like you’re stretching
yourself and you’re sticking your
scrawny neck out there and you’re taking
some risks that’s amazing
cuz you’re growing people have so many
theories about fear they talk about oh
I’m afraid of success know I’m afraid of
failure I’m afraid of intimacy I’m
afraid of heights I’m afraid of this I’m
afraid of that I’m afraid of the other
thing there’s actually only two fears
and if you’re in sales which you are or
even if you’re not
life is about persuading people life is
about influencing people and fear is the
invisible force that will make you
ineffective at that it will stop you now
I love JK Rollins as an example I mean
we all know the Harry Potter series but
what a lot of people don’t know about
her she talks a lot about fear she
struggled with major depression do you
know she was unemployed and she wrote
the original idea for Harry Potter on a
napkin while she was on state benefits
she was then rejected by 12 publishing
houses and this by the way was after she
was divorced bankrupt and a single mom
of a kid pushed herself pushed herself
pushed herself she talks a lot about
fear and about failure well you know we
know the moral of the story she just
kept going of course she was afraid but
she had the good kind of fear not the
bad kind of fear you don’t ever start
you stay trapped in your head and if you
feel paralyzed if you’ve been spinning
the same ideas over and over and over
again then you know what I’m talking
about you see many of you are thinking
way too Vic you’re attaching way too
much pressure on the things that you’re
interested in until you start blogging
about fashion you won’t even know if you
like it so thinking that you have a
dream about doing it and thinking that
you have this grand plan that you’re
gonna do it full-time it is a complete
and utter waste of your time to be
dreaming that big and let me tell you
why because oftentimes if you’re the
kind of person like Vicky that’s getting
trapped up here the bigness of what
you’re thinking about is what’s stopping
you what I want you to do if you’re in
Vicki’s situation is I want you to stop
dreaming and I want you to just start
doing small things I want you to go back
to curiosity and less into crushing your
big goals you think about life and
business and success is that you have to
be willing to start and for people that
procrastinate starting is the hardest
part for
people that worry for people that think
too big starting is the hardest part
folks that study procrastination talk
about the fact that the only way to beat
procrastination is to create what they
call a starting ritual which is a way to
push yourself to get started because all
the research shows that if we can push
you to get started on something you’ll
likely keep going we spend a lot of time
talking about mindset from the
standpoint of think positive so positive
things happen and I do believe in having
a positive mindset obviously I think
that the actions that you take are way
more important in terms of developing
that mindset but we don’t spend enough
time on what you were just talking about
which is understanding how the automatic
nature of worrying about stuff all day
long
how that is making you less money how it
is making you less happy how it is
disconnecting you from your spouse how
it is keeping you unhealthy and how it
is a habit that robs you of joy and
opportunity and power and it is one of
the easiest habits to break number one
your life happens in five-second windows
number two in five seconds you can
control what you think you can decide
what you’re going to do and you can
change absolutely anything which changes
absolutely everything and so the
five-second rule is a mind trick that’s
all that it is a fancy way to call it as
a you know it’s a form of metacognition
but it’s basically a hack it’s a cheat
code okay and the way that it works and
this is the challenge with getting it
out there is that it sounds so
profoundly stupid like a gimmick that it
took a while for people to actually take
it seriously I get
and to really stack up the science to
make you know anybody that interacts
with it go holy Sh like this actually
works yeah so here’s what it is
basically the moment you catch yourself
hesitating or doubting or starting to
worry or about to chicken out or shrink
or shut up or whatever it is that you’re
about to do that is shrinking your power
you just go 5 4 3 2 1 you count
backwards 5 4 3 2 1
what happens when you do that don’t do
it out loud because it’ll scare somebody
it’s like going although you know we say
it’s it’s so simple that people live
skit in the making love that because
that means I’ve really made it through
your kids will use it on you so my kids
will use it on me so if I have a certain
tone that comes out I’ll hear my child
here we go 5 4 thru watch that tone mom
you know just alright mom 5 4 3 2 and I
thought you’re gonna go to the gym yes
so by counting backwards the the kind of
cheat code that you’re doing in your
mind is you are interrupting what are
called habit loops that get encoded in
the central part of your brain and you
are starting up the prefrontal cortex
it’s a little trick that causes focus
and it’s it’s a lot like having a mantra
because you’re shifting gears but the
thing about having a mantra is and I
suppose that as you count backwards more
and more and more you become used to it
but it becomes a habit that triggers
action so what you do is go 5 4 3 2 1
cut off this part of the brain awaken
this part of the brain and then move and
what happens with the counting backwards
is there’s nowhere to go after one and
your mind is socialized in a countdown
situation to go and so counting up won’t
work because you can keep going forever
and you do it in many aspects of your
life so it’s actually not something that requires any focus
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