eyeing over a valley in Afghanistan our
two a-10 warthogs an a-10 is a heavily
armoured low-flying slow aircraft
designed to provide ground cover for
troops on the ground
and on this night it’s a very very
cloudy night the storms in the area and
these two planes hanging up above just
waiting in case anybody down below needs
help up there it’s gorgeous the moon is
bright the thousands of stars in the sky
the clouds look like the snow had just
fallen down below in the valley however
there were 22 Special Forces Special
Operations Forces troops trying to make
their way through the country and they
could feel that something was wrong they
could feel they felt uneasy one of the
pilots up above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their unease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was gonna go down below the
cloud and just have a look he tells his
wingmen hang out up here I’ll go see
what there is and he points us plane
down into the clouds and as he’s going
through the clouds the call comes over
the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle where the American
forces are and so he picks a point and
starts to lay down suppressing fire and
he’s flying and he’s in danger of
hitting the cliff of course he knows his
speed he knows his distance from the map
and he literally counts out loud well he
lays down the suppressing fire one one
thousand two one thousand three
two thousand four one thousand five one
thousand pools hard on the stick pulls
back up into the cloud comes down around
again one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the condition so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and Johnny Bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo I asked him
why why would you do it why would you
risk your life so that others may
survive and he gave me the same answer
that everybody in his position gives
because they would have done it for me
now if you think about it
in the military they give medals to
people who are willing to sacrifice
themselves that others may gain in
business we give bonuses to people who
are willing to sacrifice others so that
we may gain we have it backwards
wouldn’t you like to work in an
organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give up credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right just like in an
industry in a business and a company if
you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you
want people to achieve a certain goal
you offer them a bonus if they achieve
that goal and they’ll work towards that
goal because they want the bonus it’s a
very simple system the human body works
exactly the same way it works exactly
the same way inside our bodies are
chemicals that are trying to get us to
do things that are in the best interest
of us if you Vetta ever had a feeling of
happiness pride joy love fulfillment all
of these feelings that we have are
chemically produced feelings and they’re
produced by four chemicals predominantly
these are the basically responsible for
all of the feelings that I would
generically call happiness they are
endorphins dopamine serotonin and
oxytocin and so these two chemicals
endorphins and dopamine I like to call
these the selfish chemicals but you
don’t really need anybody’s help to get
them right let me tell you let me tell
you a little bit about what they are
endorphins endorphins are designed to do
one thing and one thing only masks
physical pain that’s it
that’s what they do if you if you’re a
runner if you’ve ever gone and done a
heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain for
damage they cause their muscles an hour
before right this is what endorphins are
designed to do they’re designed to mask
physical pain the caveman reason for
this stuff because this stuff is all
from 50,000 years ago understand homo
sapien existed at the same time as other
hominid species and yet we survived and
they didn’t what is it about this
species that’s so good at survival and
thriving look at the world we’ve built
it’s not just that we’re smart we’re
certainly not the strongest and we’re
certainly not the smartest it’s that so
we’re social animals we have to do
things together together we have to look
after each other and we have to work
together to ensure that we survive that
we do well this is how we’re designed
right these chemicals are trying to make
that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era
we had to eat we’re not the strongest
we’re not the fastest but there’s one
thing that the human animal is made for
endurance we could track an animal for
hours and hours and hours and miles and
miles and miles and if we were tired
we’d keep going and if we got injured or
we had to bring the food back to the
cave we’d continue to do it and it was
so good it felt so good that maybe we’d
even volunteer to go hunting the next
day just like we get addicted to
exercise right oh my god it was so much
fun yesterday I will totally go hunting
tomorrow right good system for the
survival of the group good system by the
way the reason laughing feels good is
because of endorphins you’re actually
convulsing your internal organs and
endorphins are masking the physical pain
I’m sure everybody here has laughed so
much that the endorphins eventually run
out you go stop stop it hurts endorphins
they feel good dopamine dopamine is the
feeling that you found something you’re
looking for or do you accomplish
something you set out to accomplish
so you know that feeling you get when
you cross something off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the historical reason
for dopamine we would never eat if we
only waited to get until we got hungry
because there’s no guarantee that we
would find food
so dopamine exists to help us go looking
for food we get dopamine when we eat
which is one of the reasons we like
eating and so when you see something
that reminds you of something that feels
good we want to do the behavior that
helps us get that feeling right so let’s
say you’re out there going for a walk
and you see an apple tree in the
distance you get a small head of
dopamine and then what it does is it
focuses us on our goals and now we start
walking towards the apple tree and as
the apple tree starts to get a little
bigger we feel like we’re making
progress you get another little shot of
dopamine and another little shadow
dopamine until you get to the Train
you’re like yes okay this is why we’re
told you must write down your goals your
goals must be tangible there’s a there’s
a biological reason for that we were
very very visually oriented animals you
have to be able to see the goal for it
to biologically stay fo
pissed right if you don’t write down
your goals if you can’t see your goals
it’s very hard to get motivated to get
inspired for example think about
corporate visions right a corporate
vision is have to be something we can
see right that’s why it’s called a
vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
Amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children and
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the vision
we can see we keep going and going and
going until we achieve something
remarkable you have to be able to see it
dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a dry cleaner I
remember I was walking past something I
remembered oh I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it down on my I hadn’t
written down on my to-do list so I went
in and I finished what I needed to do
and then when I came out I then wrote it
on my to-do list and then crossed it out
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone you
might be an addict when you’re driving
in your car and you get a text and your
phone goes beep we we hate email true we
love the beep the buzz the ding oh right
you’ll be there in 10 minutes and yet
you have to look at it right now you
might be an addict and even if you read
it and it says are you free for dinner
next Thursday and you have to reply
immediately you can’t wait the 10
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting
you’re not you’re not better at
multitasking you’re better at getting
distracted in fact if you look at the
statistics a DD and ADHD have diagnosis
of a DD and ADHD have risen 66% in the
past ten years okay a DD and ADHD is a
frontal lobe disorder right are you
telling me out of nowhere sixty-six
percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from no
it’s a misdiagnosis right what what are
the what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know shortness of
attention it’s all the same things so we
misdiagnosed things it’s this it’s the
addictive quality of dopamine we can
also get addicted to performance in our
companies when all they do is give us
numbers to hit numbers to hit numbers to
hit and a bonus you get and a bonus you
get and a bonus you get all they’re
doing is feeding us with dopamine and we
can’t help ourselves all we do is want
more more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or drug addict just ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system but when unbalanced it’s
dangerous and it’s destructive you don’t
need anybody’s help to get these go for
a run achieve your goals you’ll get
dopamine you’ll get endorphins but you
won’t have any feeling of fulfillment or
love or trust that’s where these come in
these are attempting to manage these
this is what makes our society great
this is where people like Johnny Bravo
come from it’s because of these two
chemicals that leaders really fulfill
their great responsibilities outside in
the world is danger at all times for
various reasons in caveman times that
danger may have been you know a
saber-toothed tiger it may have been the
weather it may have been a lack of
resources it may have been who knows any
number of things things that with no
conscience are trying to kill you
they
want to end your life and so how do we
survive we work together and together we
come together in our groups in our
companies and our tribes to feel like we
belong to be around people who believe
what we believe so that we may feel safe
when we’re surrounded by people who have
our best interests in mind and we feel
safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the ebbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your
livelihood end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organizations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders Aesop
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tail to tail and whenever the lion tries
to eat them no matter what angle from
which he attacks he will always be met
with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
up and kills them all when we stand
together we can more easily face the
dangers outside when we break up inside
our companies if our leaders don’t allow
us a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to were forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger from the outside if you
have to worry about politics if you have
to worry about someone stealing your
credit if you have to worry about your
boss not having your back think about
the energy you invest not in your
business not in the products you’re
trying to develop not in your work not
in how great you’re producing not in
your creativity but in just keeping
yourself feeling safe this is
destructive the responsibility of
leadership has two things one to do
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo that’s what
these other two chemicals are trying to
do serotonin is the leadership chemical
is the responsible for feelings of pride
and status when you this is why public
recognition is very important we are
social animals and we need the
recognition of others this is why we
have the Oscars and this is why we have
public awards events this is why we have
commencement for graduation I mean think
about it what does it really take to get
to graduate college you need to pay your
bills fulfill the minimum requirements
and and collect enough credits that’s it
right it’s a formula you could get an
email that says congratulations you
fulfilled all the requirements for
graduation and clothes please print out
the PDF of your diploma PS magna
laude right wouldn’t feel so good right
so instead we have a big ceremony to
recognize the accomplishment and in the
audience we put our family and our
friends and our teachers all of those in
our tribe who’ve supported us and
watched our backs as we’ve made it
through and then we show up on that day
and we go up on that stage and we take
our diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment your parents sitting
in the audience
also got a surge of serotonin and also
felt an intense pride watching you
graduate and this is what serotonin is
trying to do it is trying to reinforce
the relationship between parent and
child boss and employee coach and player
the caregiver and the one who is is
Greta is grateful for the support they
are given and think about it listen to
the speeches that we give if you give an
award to somebody what do they say I
couldn’t have done it I thank God I
thank my parents I thank my coach we
thank the person who we believe was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say it’s so proud of
you and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of our our proud of glasses how
good you you own a pair of designer
shoes how good does it feel to put on
your Gucci shoes oh my god it feels so
good you walk out and you feel a million
bucks you can actually feel your
confidence rise when you put on you put
on the stuff right because it’s showing
this display of status it feels great
the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it you tricked the system that’s why
we keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it the
leadership chemical is a historical
reason a very simple historical reason
we had a very practical problem as our
animal was developing as the Homo Sapien
was developing we lived in communities
of about a hundred and 150 people and
there’s a very practical issue which is
if we’re hungry and somebody brings back
food and drop a carcass on the floor
we’re all gonna rush in to eat and if
you’re lucky enough to be built like a
linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it bad
system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military it might be
courage there’s no standard by which we
judge alphas it’s relative to the
industries were in and its relative to
us as well if you’ve ever met someone
and you were nervous while you were
meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the Alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the dimensional cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is is because
when a woman is in her menstrual cycle
she can’t bear children and so in
evolution
you want the alpha male on the alpha
female – to do it so you can have alpha
children right nice strong strapping
kids are gonna survive but if she’s off
the market that produces competition so
mother nature has in created a very
clever way that when she’s off the
market everyone’s off the market back to
the talk so we’re constantly judging and
assessing each other who’s alpha right
and what we do is when we assess that
someone else is the Alpha we voluntarily
take a step back and allow them to eat
first alphas get first choice of meat
and first choice of mate good system
good system the Alpha gets to eat first
the rest of us may not get the best cut
of meat but we will get to eat
eventually and we won’t get an elbow in
the face good system will happily alert
them to danger later good system this is
why we’re constantly trying to raise our
status is because there are benefits to
being the Alpha people will do things
for us and step back and offer us favors
right we’re and we to this day we’re
perfectly comfortable giving special
treatment to our alphas no one has a
problem that your boss makes more money
than you you might think he’s an ass
but you don’t have a problem that he
makes more money nobody has a problem
that somebody outrank who outranks us at
work has a bigger office than us doesn’t
offend us it is deeply ingrained in us
we happily step aside and allow our
alphas first choice of meat and first
choice of mate it’s good to be the king
there are advantages that come with
being the Alpha you get special
treatment you get to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this it boosts your confidence it’s
awesome but comes at a cost you see the
group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free leadership alpha comes at a
cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually has higher confidence of
the rest of us we expect them to run
towards the danger to protect us this is
what it means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted you might be an authority
but you will not be a leader leadership
comes at a cost you don’t get to do less
work when you get more senior you have
to do more work and the more work you
have to do is put yourself at risk to
look after others that is the
anthropological definition of what a
leader is this is why we’re so offended
by these banker boys who pay themselves
astronomical salaries it has nothing to
do with the number it has to do with the
fact that they have violated a
deep-seated social contract we know that
they made all of that money and allowed
their people to be sacrificed in fact
they may have sacrificed their people
for the money if I told you we’re gonna
give a hundred and fifty million dollars
to Nelson Mandela but anyone have a
problem with that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa got an issue
with it no it’s not the number it’s not
the amount of money they make it’s that
we are deeply and viscerally offended
that we know that we allowed them to
have this alpha position and they did
not fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
offended and don’t trust them they fail
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just
simply watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent the
mother-child bond right it’s all that
oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters imagine you’re
doing the deal with someone and you’re
ready to sign the contract and you say
I’m so excited to do business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational they’re
about feeling safe they’re about feeling
we belong it’s human and one of the ways
we want to know that that relationship
is solidified is with physical touch
they’re simple refusal to touch you to
exchange that oxytocin means one of two
things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and expecting nothing in return
money doesn’t work sorry if I told you
that this more
I gave $1,000 to charity what would you
think of me you’d be like good for you
what do you want to meddle but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back
I got nothing for you so we put a
premium on people who give us their time
and energy a leader who says to you I’ll
pay for something for you is not a
leader a leader comes and sits down next
to you and says how can I help you is a
leader I was talking to some oil
executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you don’t and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come and do a web survey about
whether people like their jobs or not
and they said well we didn’t hire a
consultancy I said okay so it’s kind of
like sending your son an email right
dear son your mother and I care that you
feel like a valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the differences one took a
little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
you
you want something in return it’s just a
protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool as it turns out witnessing
act of human generosity release oxytocin
remember our bodies are trying to get us
to repeat behaviors that are in our best
interest and it’s making us feel good
when we see or do acts of human
generosity so that we will do them in
fact the more oxytocin you have in your
body the more generous you actually
become and our is the more you do the
more you want to do it gets better than
that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married why are you
laughing that’s my social life
the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited in their release it takes time
and you have to do little acts of
generosity and make little sacrifices do
little things for people not big risk
small risks it’s like dating you know
you don’t start by buying them a diamond
you start by taking them for lunch
buying them a drink you know little bits
then they take you out or that you take
them out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened you just clicks and you feel
like you belong same thing at work same
thing at work it just clicks and you
feel like you belong because you got
enough oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
is a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in the circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident and feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same for the
big ones who work beneath them who need
work beneath them who work beneath them
and when this group of people really
feel safe then they will invite in the
customer to also feel safe they will
talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I was I was appalled at how
I was treated it was disgusting I was
like cattle right and I said something I
said why do you treat people like cattle
and she literally said to me I’m sorry
sir I have to do it or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like I look like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feels safest says sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried
that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
the Big C cortisol cortisol is the
feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right see a herd of gazelle grazing and
one of them thinks they hear a rustle in
the grass and they go head right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
that’s what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night huh what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go and
if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and a
heartbeat goes back down cortisol to get
all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make us self interested it
needs to shut down non-essential systems
cuz it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
at that moment shuts it off
the other thing it shuts off is our
immune system don’t need it in that
moment the problem is you’re not
supposed to have cortisol in your system
all the time you’re supposed to have it
in and then gone and when we go to work
in a place that doesn’t make us feel
like we belong that doesn’t make us feel
safe when we’re at work guess what we
got little bits of cortisol dripping in
our body drip drip drip drip makes his
paranoid drip I know my boss hates me I
know he hates me I hate he hates all my
ideas I know it drip drip it makes it
self-interested one of the things
cortisol does it inhibits the release of
oxytocin biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some of the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise heart diseases on the rise
some cancers are on the rise it ain’t
hot partially hydrogenated oils our jobs
are killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and unhappy
and so they expect it as they grow older
worse we know that parents who come home
upset and angry it has such a negative
impact on their children that there’s
some studies that show that they might
actually become bullies because of their
unhappy parents who hate their jobs and
have excessive amounts of stress our our
companies are literally killing us so
what are you gonna do about it
what are you gonna do about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was strong because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for for losing your shield was
tremendous in battle because if you lost
your shield that means you cannot
protect the person to the left of you
and the person to the right of you and
you have destroyed the Phalanx
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear it’s your
willingness to sacrifice yourself not
your life maybe your credit maybe you’re
a little time maybe a little energy
maybe you’re tough you know maybe
getting up from your desk and talking to
somebody for 30 minutes instead of
sending a three-minute email it’s your
willingness to sacrifice for someone to
hold that shield up so that they feel
safe that makes you a leader and you
want to know how you beat a dopamine
addiction if you worried that you’re
addicted to performance and all this
dopamine things Alcoholics Anonymous has
been highly effective for decades 80
something years we all know the first
step of the 12 steps we joke about it
right admit you have a problem did you
know the 12-step don’t say it’s supposed
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
two a-10 warthogs an a-10 is a heavily
armoured low-flying slow aircraft
designed to provide ground cover for
troops on the ground
and on this night it’s a very very
cloudy night the storms in the area and
these two planes hanging up above just
waiting in case anybody down below needs
help up there it’s gorgeous the moon is
bright the thousands of stars in the sky
the clouds look like the snow had just
fallen down below in the valley however
there were 22 Special Forces Special
Operations Forces troops trying to make
their way through the country and they
could feel that something was wrong they
could feel they felt uneasy one of the
pilots up above
callsign Johnny Bravo and yes he stands
like this he could feel their unease
listening to him over the radio so he
decides he was gonna go down below the
cloud and just have a look he tells his
wingmen hang out up here I’ll go see
what there is and he points us plane
down into the clouds and as he’s going
through the clouds the call comes over
the radio troops in contact
troops in contact is what they say when
they come under effective fire it means
they’re in trouble
so now Johnny Bravo points his plane
straight down the planes getting
thrashed about in the turbulence and
when he comes out below the clouds he’s
less than a thousand feet off the ground
and he’s flying in a valley cliffs on
both sides now this is only 2002 and the
planes were not yet equipped with
ground-hugging radar and worse they were
using old Russian maps that’s all they
had at the time and the site that greets
him is something like he’s never seen
before not in training and not in the
movies he sees tracer fire fire coming
from all sides of the valley pointed
right in the middle where the American
forces are and so he picks a point and
starts to lay down suppressing fire and
he’s flying and he’s in danger of
hitting the cliff of course he knows his
speed he knows his distance from the map
and he literally counts out loud well he
lays down the suppressing fire one one
thousand two one thousand three
two thousand four one thousand five one
thousand pools hard on the stick pulls
back up into the cloud comes down around
again one one thousand two one thousand
three one thousand four one thousand
good hits good hits it says over his
radio and again he comes around one one
thousand two one thousand three one
thousand four one thousand five one
thousand he runs out of ammunition fuel
is fine flies back up to the top of the
cloud tells his wingman you need to get
down there his wingman isn’t sure about
the condition so the two of them fly
back down together his wingman lays down
the suppressing fire and Johnny Bravo
counts as they fly three feet apart from
each other wing to wing one one thousand
two one thousand three one thousand four
one thousand five one thousand up and
around again one one thousand two one
thousand three one thousand four one
thousand five one thousand that night
twenty two Americans went home alive
with zero casualties my question is is
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from who are they who would risk their
lives for others so that made they may
survive I asked Johnny Bravo I asked him
why why would you do it why would you
risk your life so that others may
survive and he gave me the same answer
that everybody in his position gives
because they would have done it for me
now if you think about it
in the military they give medals to
people who are willing to sacrifice
themselves that others may gain in
business we give bonuses to people who
are willing to sacrifice others so that
we may gain we have it backwards
wouldn’t you like to work in an
organization in which you have the
absolute confidence the absolute
knowledge that other people that you may
or may not know who work in the same
organization as you would be willing to
sacrifice themselves so that you may
survive and in and we’re not talking
about giving your life I mean we don’t
even like to give up credit you know so
where do people like Johnny Bravo come
from well it’s an age-old question
they’re not born they’re actually made
if you look at the human animal the
human animal is like a machine there are
systems inside our bodies that are
trying to get us to do things that are
in the interests of the survival of the
human animal right just like in an
industry in a business and a company if
you want people to do something you
offer them some sort of positive or
negative incentive to direct the
behavior right so if you
want people to achieve a certain goal
you offer them a bonus if they achieve
that goal and they’ll work towards that
goal because they want the bonus it’s a
very simple system the human body works
exactly the same way it works exactly
the same way inside our bodies are
chemicals that are trying to get us to
do things that are in the best interest
of us if you Vetta ever had a feeling of
happiness pride joy love fulfillment all
of these feelings that we have are
chemically produced feelings and they’re
produced by four chemicals predominantly
these are the basically responsible for
all of the feelings that I would
generically call happiness they are
endorphins dopamine serotonin and
oxytocin and so these two chemicals
endorphins and dopamine I like to call
these the selfish chemicals but you
don’t really need anybody’s help to get
them right let me tell you let me tell
you a little bit about what they are
endorphins endorphins are designed to do
one thing and one thing only masks
physical pain that’s it
that’s what they do if you if you’re a
runner if you’ve ever gone and done a
heavy exercise you’ve heard of an
endorphin rush or a runner’s high
basically what’s happening is when that
runners out there pushing their bodies
harder than they’ve ever pushed before
they feel good and when they’re done
with their run they feel fantastic and
then an hour later they’re in pain for
damage they cause their muscles an hour
before right this is what endorphins are
designed to do they’re designed to mask
physical pain the caveman reason for
this stuff because this stuff is all
from 50,000 years ago understand homo
sapien existed at the same time as other
hominid species and yet we survived and
they didn’t what is it about this
species that’s so good at survival and
thriving look at the world we’ve built
it’s not just that we’re smart we’re
certainly not the strongest and we’re
certainly not the smartest it’s that so
we’re social animals we have to do
things together together we have to look
after each other and we have to work
together to ensure that we survive that
we do well this is how we’re designed
right these chemicals are trying to make
that happen
so in these caveman times 50,000 years
ago Paleolithic era
we had to eat we’re not the strongest
we’re not the fastest but there’s one
thing that the human animal is made for
endurance we could track an animal for
hours and hours and hours and miles and
miles and miles and if we were tired
we’d keep going and if we got injured or
we had to bring the food back to the
cave we’d continue to do it and it was
so good it felt so good that maybe we’d
even volunteer to go hunting the next
day just like we get addicted to
exercise right oh my god it was so much
fun yesterday I will totally go hunting
tomorrow right good system for the
survival of the group good system by the
way the reason laughing feels good is
because of endorphins you’re actually
convulsing your internal organs and
endorphins are masking the physical pain
I’m sure everybody here has laughed so
much that the endorphins eventually run
out you go stop stop it hurts endorphins
they feel good dopamine dopamine is the
feeling that you found something you’re
looking for or do you accomplish
something you set out to accomplish
so you know that feeling you get when
you cross something off your to-do list
that’s dopamine feels awesome you know
when you when you have a goal to hit and
you achieve that goal you’re like yes
you feel like you’ve won something right
that’s dopamine the whole purpose of
dopamine is to make sure that we get
stuff done right the historical reason
for dopamine we would never eat if we
only waited to get until we got hungry
because there’s no guarantee that we
would find food
so dopamine exists to help us go looking
for food we get dopamine when we eat
which is one of the reasons we like
eating and so when you see something
that reminds you of something that feels
good we want to do the behavior that
helps us get that feeling right so let’s
say you’re out there going for a walk
and you see an apple tree in the
distance you get a small head of
dopamine and then what it does is it
focuses us on our goals and now we start
walking towards the apple tree and as
the apple tree starts to get a little
bigger we feel like we’re making
progress you get another little shot of
dopamine and another little shadow
dopamine until you get to the Train
you’re like yes okay this is why we’re
told you must write down your goals your
goals must be tangible there’s a there’s
a biological reason for that we were
very very visually oriented animals you
have to be able to see the goal for it
to biologically stay fo
pissed right if you don’t write down
your goals if you can’t see your goals
it’s very hard to get motivated to get
inspired for example think about
corporate visions right a corporate
vision is have to be something we can
see right that’s why it’s called a
vision you can see it right to be the
biggest most respected to be the
fastest-growing are not visions they’re
nothing right what does that even look
like respected by whom your mother
yourself your friends your shareholders
who knows what’s the metric dunno it’s
Amorphis doesn’t motivate us just like I
can’t tell you you will get a bonus if
you achieve more you’re gonna ask me how
much more I’m gonna say more doesn’t
work you need a tangible goal you need a
tangible goal right here’s a great
vision Martin Luther King I have a dream
that one day little black children and
little white children will play on the
playground together and hold hands
together we can imagine that we can set
our sights on that and every time we
achieve a goal and achieve a metric and
achieve a milestone that makes us feel
like we’re making progress to the vision
we can see we keep going and going and
going until we achieve something
remarkable you have to be able to see it
dopamine
like I said dopamine is the feeling you
get when you set out to find something
you’re looking for as well talked about
the to-do list I came home from a trip
just a couple days ago and I had a bunch
of errands to run and I wrote down a
little list of things I had to do and
off I went right and as I was walking
past I think was a dry cleaner I
remember I was walking past something I
remembered oh I have to do that and I
hadn’t written it down on my I hadn’t
written down on my to-do list so I went
in and I finished what I needed to do
and then when I came out I then wrote it
on my to-do list and then crossed it out
dopamine comes with a warning dopamine
is highly highly highly addictive here
are some other things that release
dopamine alcohol nicotine gambling your
cell phone
oh you think I’m joking okay we’ve all
been told that you know if you wake up
in the morning and you crave a drink you
might be an alcoholic well if you wake
up in the morning the first thing you do
is check your phone before you even get
out of bed might be an addict
if you walk from room to room in your
own apartment holding your telephone you
might be an addict when you’re driving
in your car and you get a text and your
phone goes beep we we hate email true we
love the beep the buzz the ding oh right
you’ll be there in 10 minutes and yet
you have to look at it right now you
might be an addict and even if you read
it and it says are you free for dinner
next Thursday and you have to reply
immediately you can’t wait the 10
minutes you might be an addict and for
all you Gen Y is out there who like to
think that you’re better at multitasking
beause you grew up with the technology
then why do you keep crashing your cars
when you’re texting
you’re not you’re not better at
multitasking you’re better at getting
distracted in fact if you look at the
statistics a DD and ADHD have diagnosis
of a DD and ADHD have risen 66% in the
past ten years okay a DD and ADHD is a
frontal lobe disorder right are you
telling me out of nowhere sixty-six
percent of our youth has the frontal
lobe problem where did that come from no
it’s a misdiagnosis right what what are
the what are the symptoms of a dopamine
addiction to technology distractibility
inability to get things done easily
easily distracted you know shortness of
attention it’s all the same things so we
misdiagnosed things it’s this it’s the
addictive quality of dopamine we can
also get addicted to performance in our
companies when all they do is give us
numbers to hit numbers to hit numbers to
hit and a bonus you get and a bonus you
get and a bonus you get all they’re
doing is feeding us with dopamine and we
can’t help ourselves all we do is want
more more MORE it’s no surprise that the
bank’s destroyed the economy because one
of the things we know about dopamine
addict is they will do anything to get
another hit sometimes at the sacrifice
of their own resources and their
relationships ask any alcoholic gambling
addict or drug addict just ask them how
their relationships are doing and if
they’ve squandered any of their
resources it’s an addiction dopamine is
dangerous if it is unbalanced it is
hugely helpful when in a comfortable and
balanced system but when unbalanced it’s
dangerous and it’s destructive you don’t
need anybody’s help to get these go for
a run achieve your goals you’ll get
dopamine you’ll get endorphins but you
won’t have any feeling of fulfillment or
love or trust that’s where these come in
these are attempting to manage these
this is what makes our society great
this is where people like Johnny Bravo
come from it’s because of these two
chemicals that leaders really fulfill
their great responsibilities outside in
the world is danger at all times for
various reasons in caveman times that
danger may have been you know a
saber-toothed tiger it may have been the
weather it may have been a lack of
resources it may have been who knows any
number of things things that with no
conscience are trying to kill you
they
want to end your life and so how do we
survive we work together and together we
come together in our groups in our
companies and our tribes to feel like we
belong to be around people who believe
what we believe so that we may feel safe
when we’re surrounded by people who have
our best interests in mind and we feel
safe
we will organize ourselves and cooperate
to face the dangers externally
don’t forget the outside dangers are a
constant in a modern world the outside
dangers may be your competition that’s
trying to put you out of business or at
least steal your business it might be
the ebbs and flows of the economy it
might be terrorism all of these unknowns
all trying to put you out of business
take away your job take away your
livelihood end it for you nothing
personal it’s a constant inside our
organizations the dangers we face are
not a constant they are a variable and
they are the decisions of leadership as
to how safe they make us feel when we go
to work this is the job of leaders Aesop
said it better than I can there’s an
Aesop fable about four oxen that stand
tail to tail and whenever the lion tries
to eat them no matter what angle from
which he attacks he will always be met
with horns
however due to infighting and
disagreements they separate and they go
and graze in different parts of the
field and one by one the lion picks them
up and kills them all when we stand
together we can more easily face the
dangers outside when we break up inside
our companies if our leaders don’t allow
us a space to feel safe inside our own
companies to feel like we belong then we
have to were forced to exert our own
energy to protect ourselves from each
other and by the way expose ourselves to
greater danger from the outside if you
have to worry about politics if you have
to worry about someone stealing your
credit if you have to worry about your
boss not having your back think about
the energy you invest not in your
business not in the products you’re
trying to develop not in your work not
in how great you’re producing not in
your creativity but in just keeping
yourself feeling safe this is
destructive the responsibility of
leadership has two things one to do
determine who gets in and who doesn’t
get in this is what it means to start
with why what are our values what are
our beliefs who can we allow in second
thing is to decide how big this is how
big do we make the circle of safety how
big do we make the circle of belonging
do we keep it around just our c-level
executives and call it an inner circle
and allow others to try and fend for
themselves and maybe try and get into
our inner circle or do we extend it to
the outermost edges of the organization
great leaders extend the circle of
safety the circle of belonging out to
the outermost edges so the most junior
person feels like they belong feels safe
feels like they have top cover from
somebody like Johnny Bravo that’s what
these other two chemicals are trying to
do serotonin is the leadership chemical
is the responsible for feelings of pride
and status when you this is why public
recognition is very important we are
social animals and we need the
recognition of others this is why we
have the Oscars and this is why we have
public awards events this is why we have
commencement for graduation I mean think
about it what does it really take to get
to graduate college you need to pay your
bills fulfill the minimum requirements
and and collect enough credits that’s it
right it’s a formula you could get an
email that says congratulations you
fulfilled all the requirements for
graduation and clothes please print out
the PDF of your diploma PS magna
laude right wouldn’t feel so good right
so instead we have a big ceremony to
recognize the accomplishment and in the
audience we put our family and our
friends and our teachers all of those in
our tribe who’ve supported us and
watched our backs as we’ve made it
through and then we show up on that day
and we go up on that stage and we take
our diploma it feels great
we feel our status rise we feel our
pride go up and by the way when you have
serotonin in your veins your confidence
goes up also and here’s the best part
about serotonin at the exact moment that
you took your diploma and you felt that
surge of serotonin go through your body
at the exact moment your parents sitting
in the audience
also got a surge of serotonin and also
felt an intense pride watching you
graduate and this is what serotonin is
trying to do it is trying to reinforce
the relationship between parent and
child boss and employee coach and player
the caregiver and the one who is is
Greta is grateful for the support they
are given and think about it listen to
the speeches that we give if you give an
award to somebody what do they say I
couldn’t have done it I thank God I
thank my parents I thank my coach we
thank the person who we believe was
looking out for us we could not have
done this without them we say and they
look at us and they say it’s so proud of
you and we work to make them proud great
teams don’t want to win the trophy great
teams want to win one for the coach they
want to make the coach proud we want to
make our parents proud and it raises our
status and it raises our confidence and
it feels good and we in turn will look
after others so that they may accomplish
the same this is what serotonin is
trying desperately to do the problem is
you can trick serotonin we live in a
materialist society so we judge status
very often in our country based on how
much money you make right so any
conspicuous display of wealth raises
your status this is why they put the
logos on the outside no good on the
inside nobody can see them we want the
red line of our our proud of glasses how
good you you own a pair of designer
shoes how good does it feel to put on
your Gucci shoes oh my god it feels so
good you walk out and you feel a million
bucks you can actually feel your
confidence rise when you put on you put
on the stuff right because it’s showing
this display of status it feels great
the problem is there was no real
relationship that was reinforced because
of it you tricked the system that’s why
we keep trying to accomplish things and
accumulate more and more material goods
and yet we never feel successful because
there was no relationship we tricked it
we gained it serotonin is the leadership
chemical the reason I call it the
leadership chemical is a historical
reason a very simple historical reason
we had a very practical problem as our
animal was developing as the Homo Sapien
was developing we lived in communities
of about a hundred and 150 people and
there’s a very practical issue which is
if we’re hungry and somebody brings back
food and drop a carcass on the floor
we’re all gonna rush in to eat and if
you’re lucky enough to be built like a
linebacker
you will elbow your way to the front and
you get the elbow in the face not a good
system to keep the whole tribe alive and
definitely not a good system for
cooperation because remember the value
of group living means that if I trust
you and you trust me I can fall asleep
at night and trust that you will alert
me to danger if I don’t trust you I
can’t go to sleep at night it’s the same
in our companies if we trust each other
we will turn our backs we will take
risks we will innovate we will do things
that will change the course of our world
if I don’t trust you I can’t do that I
can’t do that there’s value in group
living and group working and so if you
got an elbow in the face that afternoon
odds are very high that you’re not gonna
wake the guy who punched you if dangers
there you’re just not gonna do it bad
system and so we evolved into
hierarchical animals we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
constantly arranging ourselves who’s the
Alpha who’s the dominant who’s the one
who sort of is the is that is the more
dominant personality or dominant talent
in the room in caveman times that might
have been physical muscle in the
creative industry it might be talent in
you know the military it might be
courage there’s no standard by which we
judge alphas it’s relative to the
industries were in and its relative to
us as well if you’ve ever met someone
and you were nervous while you were
meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where we’re meeting somebody
and we can sense that they’re nervous
meeting us you’re the Alpha I’ll tell
you a little aside that’s kind of funny
you know when women all live together
their menstrual cycles align right
assuming they’re not on the pill then it
doesn’t work right but if they’re not on
the pill that all the dimensional cycles
go together on the same schedule it’s
not arbitrary
they always align with the alpha females
schedule and the reason is is because
when a woman is in her menstrual cycle
she can’t bear children and so in
evolution
you want the alpha male on the alpha
female – to do it so you can have alpha
children right nice strong strapping
kids are gonna survive but if she’s off
the market that produces competition so
mother nature has in created a very
clever way that when she’s off the
market everyone’s off the market back to
the talk so we’re constantly judging and
assessing each other who’s alpha right
and what we do is when we assess that
someone else is the Alpha we voluntarily
take a step back and allow them to eat
first alphas get first choice of meat
and first choice of mate good system
good system the Alpha gets to eat first
the rest of us may not get the best cut
of meat but we will get to eat
eventually and we won’t get an elbow in
the face good system will happily alert
them to danger later good system this is
why we’re constantly trying to raise our
status is because there are benefits to
being the Alpha people will do things
for us and step back and offer us favors
right we’re and we to this day we’re
perfectly comfortable giving special
treatment to our alphas no one has a
problem that your boss makes more money
than you you might think he’s an ass
but you don’t have a problem that he
makes more money nobody has a problem
that somebody outrank who outranks us at
work has a bigger office than us doesn’t
offend us it is deeply ingrained in us
we happily step aside and allow our
alphas first choice of meat and first
choice of mate it’s good to be the king
there are advantages that come with
being the Alpha you get special
treatment you get to eat first
people show you love and respect it
boosts the serotonin you walk around
like this it boosts your confidence it’s
awesome but comes at a cost you see the
group is not stupid
we’re not giving all of that stuff away
for free leadership alpha comes at a
cost
you see we expect that when danger
threatens us from the outside that the
person who’s actually stronger the
person who’s better fed and the person
who is actually teeming with serotonin
and actually has higher confidence of
the rest of us we expect them to run
towards the danger to protect us this is
what it means to be a leader the cost of
leadership is self-interest if you’re
not willing to give up your perks when
it matters then you probably shouldn’t
get promoted you might be an authority
but you will not be a leader leadership
comes at a cost you don’t get to do less
work when you get more senior you have
to do more work and the more work you
have to do is put yourself at risk to
look after others that is the
anthropological definition of what a
leader is this is why we’re so offended
by these banker boys who pay themselves
astronomical salaries it has nothing to
do with the number it has to do with the
fact that they have violated a
deep-seated social contract we know that
they made all of that money and allowed
their people to be sacrificed in fact
they may have sacrificed their people
for the money if I told you we’re gonna
give a hundred and fifty million dollars
to Nelson Mandela but anyone have a
problem with that
nope two hundred and fifty million
dollars to mother Teresa got an issue
with it no it’s not the number it’s not
the amount of money they make it’s that
we are deeply and viscerally offended
that we know that we allowed them to
have this alpha position and they did
not fulfill their responsibility of the
Alpha they’re supposed to sacrifice
themselves for us never sacrifice us for
themselves this is why we’re angry and
offended and don’t trust them they fail
[Music]
oxytocin this is the best chemical of
all oxytocin is the feeling of love and
trust and friendship it’s all the warm
and fuzzies it’s all the unicorns and
rainbows it’s the reason we like to
spend time with our friends even if we
don’t do anything with them we just
simply watch TV we love their company I
promise you nearly every single person
sitting in this room today chose the
person they’re sitting next to you’re
not sitting next to a stranger you’re
sitting next to somebody you met came
with or or kind of know a little bit why
because it makes you feel safer doesn’t
it if you got up and went and sat next
to strangers wouldn’t feel so good
that’s the feeling of oxytocin oxytocin
is that intense feeling of safety that
someone’s got your back there are
multiple ways you can get oxytocin one
way to get it is physical contact
hugging feels wonderful right this when
women give birth to children huge surge
of oxytocin in their body this is what’s
responsible for the mother parent the
mother-child bond right it’s all that
oxytocin in the system this is why
shaking hands matters imagine you’re
doing the deal with someone and you’re
ready to sign the contract and you say
I’m so excited to do business with you
and they go I don’t need to shake let’s
sign the contract I’m also excited to do
business with you you go great well
let’s shake on it then they go no no no
I agree to all the terms let’s get this
deal done I can’t wait to work with you
there you might get everything you want
in the contract but business
relationships are not rational they’re
about feeling safe they’re about feeling
we belong it’s human and one of the ways
we want to know that that relationship
is solidified is with physical touch
they’re simple refusal to touch you to
exchange that oxytocin means one of two
things will happen
you will either completely scuttle the
deal or you will go into it nervous
human bonds matter another way you can
get oxytocin is through acts of human
generosity an act of human generosity is
defined as giving of your time and
energy and expecting nothing in return
money doesn’t work sorry if I told you
that this more
I gave $1,000 to charity what would you
think of me you’d be like good for you
what do you want to meddle but if I told
you that last Saturday I gave up my day
and I went and painted schools in the
inner city then what would you think
you’d be like nice cool I should do more
right
the the value of my labour much less
than a thousand dollars could have hired
many more people for a thousand dollars
to go paint schools in the inner city
but you see as human beings we put a
premium on time because it is an equal
commodity and it is a non redeemable
commodity you spend money you make money
you spend time you’ll never get it back
some of you are sitting in this room
right now saying I will never get this
time back
I got nothing for you so we put a
premium on people who give us their time
and energy a leader who says to you I’ll
pay for something for you is not a
leader a leader comes and sits down next
to you and says how can I help you is a
leader I was talking to some oil
executives and they were trying to
convince me that they really care about
how fulfilled and how happy their
employees are at work to which I said no
you don’t and they said no we do and I
said no you don’t and they said yeah we
do you see how this win and I said I bet
you hired some high-priced consultancy
to come and do a web survey about
whether people like their jobs or not
and they said well we didn’t hire a
consultancy I said okay so it’s kind of
like sending your son an email right
dear son your mother and I care that you
feel like a valuable part of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better so that you feel like you belong
here because we really love you love dad
or you go into his room you sit on his
bed and you say hey son your mom and I
really care that you feel like a
valuable member of this family
please tell us candidly what we can do
better because we want you to feel like
you belong and we really love you same
words same intention same desire the
difference is one you gave time and
energy and the other one you didn’t this
is the problem with email it’s too easy
it’s too easy
there’s no time and energy expended it’s
too easy don’t feel anything if I come
to your house for dinner you make me a
lovely dinner the next day I send you a
very nice thank-you email what a
wonderful host you are or three days
later you receive a handwritten note
from me with the exact same words that
were written in the email which one
makes you feel better and written note
the sentiment was the same the words
were the same the differences one took a
little more time and a little more
energy leaders are the ones who give us
their time and give us their energy not
the ones who give us their money it
doesn’t count doesn’t work just
biologically doesn’t work this is how
you get oxytocin doing nice things for
people that require that you sacrifice a
little bit of time a little bit of
energy something you will never get back
and if you expect something in return
that you weren’t really giving in the
first place you take someone out for
dinner because you want them to hire you
you’re not really taking them out for
you
you want something in return it’s just a
protracted transaction it’s not
relationship building it’s nonsense I
was walking down the streets of New York
true story and guy in front of me his
backpack opened a bunch of paper filled
spilled out on the on the street didn’t
think much of it I bent down gathered
the papers up handed them back to him
and pointed out that his bag it opened I
did a small act of generosity for
somebody I got a small burst of oxytocin
I felt good also the person on the
receiving end of the act of generosity
feels good they get a shot of oxytocin
he felt good he says thanks I get to the
end of the block and I’m standing
waiting to cross the street and a guy
who’s also happens to be standing
waiting to cross the street turns around
true story turns around and says to me I
saw what you did back there that was
really cool as it turns out witnessing
act of human generosity release oxytocin
remember our bodies are trying to get us
to repeat behaviors that are in our best
interest and it’s making us feel good
when we see or do acts of human
generosity so that we will do them in
fact the more oxytocin you have in your
body the more generous you actually
become and our is the more you do the
more you want to do it gets better than
that
lots of oxytocin in your body inhibits
addiction it makes it very difficult to
get addicted to something when you have
lots of oxytocin your body actually hits
addiction it boosts your immune system
it makes you healthier
that’s why happy people live longer it’s
why couples live longer
oxytocin it actually is good for us it
increases our ability to solve problems
it increases our creativity it’s really
good for us and it’s not addictive it
just feels great it takes time to build
up though you know if I I went on a date
with a girl the other day there’s a
first date we totally got along great
we’re gonna get married why are you
laughing that’s my social life
the reason you laugh is because you
inherently know that I cannot form a
bond of trust strong enough to get
married in seven days you know that why
don’t you go on a couple more days but
inherently you know that right but if I
told you that I’ve been dating somebody
for seven years and we’re not married
yet what do you say what’s wrong in
other words we know that that bond of
trust takes more than seven days in less
than seven years don’t know how long it
takes them so when you start a new job
and you’re really excited to work there
and they’re really excited to have you
don’t quite feel like you belong you
don’t quite feel like you’re trusted yet
right even though you were really
excited in their release it takes time
and you have to do little acts of
generosity and make little sacrifices do
little things for people not big risk
small risks it’s like dating you know
you don’t start by buying them a diamond
you start by taking them for lunch
buying them a drink you know little bits
then they take you out or that you take
them out again you do something a little
bigger then you do that in a movie then
they come over and then you buy them
flowers and then you say I love you and
one day you wake up in the morning it’s
like you press this belief button you
just I I’m in love I don’t know when it
happened you just clicks and you feel
like you belong same thing at work same
thing at work it just clicks and you
feel like you belong because you got
enough oxytocin built up in your system
we don’t allow this to happen we’re too
busy sending emails we’re too busy
sending emails the next time you want to
tell somebody something email is
fantastic for the exchange of
information right it’s fantastic here’s
the report you wanted the meetings at
four o’clock fantastic what did you
think of my idea do not reply on an
email that’s an emotional question email
is a rational tool you get up from your
desk you walk the 30 feet and you say
wanted to tell you what I thought of
your idea and I promise you not only
will that information be better received
but you will start to create
relationship because oxytocin starts to
get released if you can’t get up and
walk 30 feet pick up the telephone I’ve
done it it’s an amazing thing you pick
up the phone you go hey they’re like hey
what’s the matter they’re like no I’m
wanted to tell you what I thought what
and people who tell me but I need a
paper trail have the conversation hang
up and say just to confirm what we
talked about boom there’s your paper
trail the reason we get so many emails
is because we reply to them all and
twelve emails are sent and then somebody
misunderstands something and somebody
gets angry and then you have to pick up
the phone and deal with it anyway – at
the beginning quicker easier better
biology give your time and give your
energy and this is why leadership is
really difficult because you can’t give
it to everyone because you don’t have
enough to give to everyone you just
can’t you have to make sure that you can
trust others to trust others to trust
others to trust others and this is what
happens in the circle of belonging in
the circle of safety this is what
effective bureaucracy is which is as the
CEO as the leader or whatever your job
is you have one responsibility and one
responsibility only which is to make
sure the people you know that you have
physical contact with you know their
names
our confident and feel looked after and
encourage them to do the same for the
big ones who work beneath them who need
work beneath them who work beneath them
and when this group of people really
feel safe then they will invite in the
customer to also feel safe they will
talk to these people as if they are
human I actually flew in an airline
recently and I was I was appalled at how
I was treated it was disgusting I was
like cattle right and I said something I
said why do you treat people like cattle
and she literally said to me I’m sorry
sir I have to do it or I’ll lose my job
what did she tell me my organization
that I work for it doesn’t make me feel
safe I don’t feel like I look like I
belong so I’m gonna treat you like dirt
to protect myself as opposed to somebody
who feels safest says sir I will do
everything in my power to make sure that
you feel happy and good because I’m not
worried
that’s called a highly effective
organization there’s one more chemical I
the Big C cortisol cortisol is the
feeling of stress and the feeling of
anxiety we share these chemicals with
all the social mammals and so when you
see a herd of gizelle you vall seen the
documentary on discovery or whatever
right see a herd of gazelle grazing and
one of them thinks they hear a rustle in
the grass and they go head right
that’s what cortisol does cortisol is
designed to keep us alive it is the
first stage of fight-or-flight
it makes us paranoid it makes all of our
senses hyper attuned to look for danger
it injects glucose into our muscles to
make a stiff and ready to go in case we
need to fight or flight it increases our
heart rate like crazy right and it makes
us start looking it makes us paranoid to
find the danger and the cool thing about
cortisol when you work in a social
environment is if other people sense
that you’re nervous they get nervous so
all the other gazelle go they didn’t
hear anything they just saw Steve over
there it really freaked out and so they
got all freaked out and now they all
start looking for the danger good system
and one of them who didn’t even hear the
initial rustle in the grass sees the
lion runs they all run they all live
another day good system so that when we
go to work and somebody says I think
there’s gonna be layoffs all of us are
like what do you mean wait there’s gonna
be we’re all paranoid now we’re all free
I shouldn’t have talked in that meeting
ah we start to get crazy we start to get
paranoid our hearts start to race
that’s what cortisol does it’s trying to
keep us alive you wake up in the middle
of the night you hear a bump in the
middle of the night huh what’s the first
thing you do you wake the person next to
you and then what do they do they go and
if there’s nothing there you go and
trust your eyes right you go looking for
it we’re visual animals right if there’s
nothing there you go like this cortisol
leaves our body and we relax and a
heartbeat goes back down cortisol to get
all of that extra energy to make us
paranoid to make us self interested it
needs to shut down non-essential systems
cuz it has to get it from somewhere
right so it shuts off things like growth
you don’t need your fingernails to grow
at that moment shuts it off
the other thing it shuts off is our
immune system don’t need it in that
moment the problem is you’re not
supposed to have cortisol in your system
all the time you’re supposed to have it
in and then gone and when we go to work
in a place that doesn’t make us feel
like we belong that doesn’t make us feel
safe when we’re at work guess what we
got little bits of cortisol dripping in
our body drip drip drip drip makes his
paranoid drip I know my boss hates me I
know he hates me I hate he hates all my
ideas I know it drip drip it makes it
self-interested one of the things
cortisol does it inhibits the release of
oxytocin biologically if you work in a
high-stress environment where you don’t
feel safe you were biologically less
empathetic and less generous we don’t
care about each other because we’re too
busy trying to protect ourselves drip
drip drip our immune systems are now
compromised drip drip drip we live in
the country with some of the best
medical education in the world some of
the best medical systems in the world
some of the best doctors in the world
some of the best hospitals in the world
some of the best medicines in the world
please explain to me why diabetes is on
the rise heart diseases on the rise
some cancers are on the rise it ain’t
hot partially hydrogenated oils our jobs
are killing us and the people who
responsible are the leaders and we also
know that parents who come home stressed
out their kids learn that this is what
work is that work is something that
makes you short-tempered and and unhappy
and so they expect it as they grow older
worse we know that parents who come home
upset and angry it has such a negative
impact on their children that there’s
some studies that show that they might
actually become bullies because of their
unhappy parents who hate their jobs and
have excessive amounts of stress our our
companies are literally killing us so
what are you gonna do about it
what are you gonna do about it
leadership is not a ranked leadership is
not a position leadership is a decision
leadership is a choice it has nothing to
do with your position in the
organization if you decide to look after
the person to the left of you and look
after the person to the right of you you
have become a leader you’ve seen the
movie 300 right the Spartans the
greatest fighting force of all time you
want to know one of the things that made
the Spartans great wasn’t their muscles
wasn’t their spears it was their shields
they stood shield to shield and the
Phalanx was strong because they all
those shields were big and they were
told when they were young children you
either bring your shield home or you
come home on your shield the punishment
for for losing your shield was
tremendous in battle because if you lost
your shield that means you cannot
protect the person to the left of you
and the person to the right of you and
you have destroyed the Phalanx
it’s the shield that matters not the
spear not the spear it’s your
willingness to sacrifice yourself not
your life maybe your credit maybe you’re
a little time maybe a little energy
maybe you’re tough you know maybe
getting up from your desk and talking to
somebody for 30 minutes instead of
sending a three-minute email it’s your
willingness to sacrifice for someone to
hold that shield up so that they feel
safe that makes you a leader and you
want to know how you beat a dopamine
addiction if you worried that you’re
addicted to performance and all this
dopamine things Alcoholics Anonymous has
been highly effective for decades 80
something years we all know the first
step of the 12 steps we joke about it
right admit you have a problem did you
know the 12-step don’t say it’s supposed
I’ll tell you what the 12 step is
Alcoholics Anonymous knows that if you
master all 11 steps but not the twelfth
you will drink again if you master the
twelfth step you will beat the disease
what’s the twelfth step the twelfth step
is the commitment to help another
alcoholic service service to another
oxytocine wins sera Tosun went serotonin
wins the more we look after each other
the safer we feel the more we feel like
we belong and the more we will work
together to confront the dangers outside
do this for others and others will become Johnny Bravo thanks very much
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