when we feel safe amongst our own the
natural reaction is trust and
cooperation when we do not feel safe
amongst our own the natural reaction is
cynicism paranoia and self-interest so
the question is how do you create a
circle of safety as it turns out the
human body is built the exact same way
as any organization if we want to direct
the behavior of people inside our
organization what do we do we develop
all sorts of incentive systems we give
them a target we give them a goal we
offer some sort of bonus and what do
people do they work towards the goals
that we set we direct their behavior it
works perfectly effectively it works the
same way with children we give them gold
stars and we get them to do the things
that we want it works perfectly fine
inside the human body are certain
incentives that work exactly the same
way and if you’ve ever had a feeling of
pride status accomplishment love trust
friendship loyalty all of these feelings
that I’ll generically call happiness are
basically produced by four chemicals
inside our bodies they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin Edd’s so
every single feeling that we basically
know as happiness is controlled by these
four chemicals and what they’re trying
to do is incentivize us to get us to
repeat behaviors at an hour that are in
our best interest in other words to get
us to cooperate to get us to trust it is
our natural disposition to want to trust
and cooperate and we’re always looking
for it which is why this sense of
belonging is so powerful we’re always
seeking out people who are like us we
want to be next to people who are like
us the first chemical endorphins we’ve
all heard of an endorphin rush a
runner’s high endorphins have one
purpose in one purpose only to mask
physical pain that’s it in our modern
day and age with supermarkets and cars
we don’t really use endorphins for
survival much anymore but there are
other ways you can get endorphins
laughing for example when we laugh it’s
actually an endorphin rush you’re
actually convulsing your internal organs
and so endorphins are released to mass
that pain we’ve all had
the experience where we laugh so hard we
say stop stop it hurts because the
endorphins have run out dopamine
dopamine is the feeling you get when you
find something you looking for or you
accomplish a goal you set out to
accomplish you know that remarkable
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list
oh that’s dopamine this is why we are
told that you must write down your goals
if you want to achieve them if you don’t
write down your goals you you won’t
achieve your goals there’s some truth to
this we’re very visual animals you have
to be able to see the target and then it
directs that dopamine directors to stay
focused on their target the whole idea
of metrics is to count progress to make
us feel like we’re making progress
towards the goal we’re not supposed to
be obsessed with the metrics we’re
supposed to be obsessed with the
destination metrics are silly it’s a
simply a way to help us feel like we’re
getting towards it this is why we have a
vision statement they call it a vision
statement cuz you have to be able to see
it so that it focuses us towards that
vision the problem is most vision
statements are absolutely useless it’s
because they’re abstract and we can’t
imagine them in our minds eye we can’t
see them you know so many vision
statements are to be the biggest to be
the best to be the fastest to be the
most respected respected by whom your
mother I can’t understand this what if I
were to tell you you will get a bonus if
you accomplish more how much more you
ask me more doesn’t work we’re no good
with the abstract we need things to be
specific we need to be them we need we
need them to be visual among most of the
incentive systems that we have built
inside our companies our dopamine and
sensor systems they’re individual
incentives we give people a target and
we offer them a bonus and we offer them
that is the primary means we drive
behavior and so what happens is people
will do exactly what we want and they
will work for the dopamine and they’ll
hit the first target and then we’ll give
them another bonus we’re hit the second
target and you can become addicted you
can actually become addicted to
performance you can actually become
addicted to making the numbers inside a
company and the problem is like all
addiction in time you actually waste
resources waste time and destroy
relationships ironically it is not the
best way to get a company to grow and
the reason is is because dopamine and
endorphins are selfish chemicals you
don’t need anyone’s help to get them go
for a run work your to-do list get your
goals set you’re good to go you don’t
need any help you can do by yourself the
problem is the feelings don’t last
they’re very short-term you lose them
quickly as soon as you achieve something
nobody here is excited about the numbers
they hit four years ago it’s gone on to
the next and this is the problem this is
the problem we actually work against
each other too much dopamine in the
system we actually become more selfish
not more selfless and as we know from
the circle of safety as we know our best
opportunities are to work together to
face the dangers outside and seize the
opportunities not to work by ourselves
this is why the other two chemicals
exist serotonin and oxytocin are the
selfless chemicals they are the social
chemicals they are the chemicals
responsible for trust and loyalty and
cooperation without these chemicals we’d
all be working by ourselves and we would
not do very well we’re not very good by
ourselves the first one serotonin is the
leadership chemical this feeling of
pride it’s the feeling of status the
feeling leaders have this is why they
walk like this right it’s responsible
for self-confidence as well right
if you think about there are ways to get
serotonin one of the ways to get
serotonin is public recognition this is
why events are very important public
events company events are very very
important right it’s because we put a
room of our peers together and we single
somebody out it just like to single out
Peter Peter can you stand up please
great job on the meeting today we just
want to say thank you did a superb job
Peter feels good he feels his status
rising feels valuable you know we all
want to feel valuable amongst our own
tribe you all wants to feel that our
work is valued by our peers and our
bosses and so when we have it pointed
out publicly amongst the group it
actually makes us feel good and valuable
and others see us as valuable and we
feel our status rise we feel proud and
it builds our confidence serotonin works
best when it’s shared what it’s
attempting to do is real
force the relationship between parent
and child coach and player bust an
employee leader and follow it’s
attempting to reinforce the relationship
between the person who sacrifices so
that you may gain and the person who’s
the recipient of your sacrifice and we
like to work hard because we want to
make those who sacrificed for us we want
to make them proud we want them to feel
that their sacrifice was worth it that’s
why when we give an award to somebody
the first person they thanked is God
their parents their boss their coach
whoever sacrifices they could achieve
something on this great day it’s the
first person they think I couldn’t have
done it without their support their love
their sacrifice and if we give it to the
boss or the coach we give them an award
they stand up then what’s the first
person who’s the first person they
thanked couldn’t have done it without my
team they say and the team sits then
goes and it’s shared and what we do is
we work hard for each other the person
who’s responsible and in the in charge
is reinforced to continue to give and
see that that they will achieve
something great and we continue to work
hard to make them proud and prove to
them that their sacrifice was worth it
we don’t want to let people down we’re
not accountable to numbers we’re
accountable to people we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
whose alpha who’s beta who’s dominant to
us it’s not a fixed standard it’s a
relative standard if you’ve ever met
someone in your nervous meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where someone’s met us and we
can sense that they’re nervous meeting
us you’re the Alpha right we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other
we’re hierarchical animals you can’t put
a group of people in a room and say you
guys are all equals it doesn’t work that
way we’ve always self-organize and the
reason is because when we assess that
someone is alpha to us we voluntarily
take a step back and allow them to eat
first
our leaders get first choice of meat and
first choice of mate we may not get the
best choice of meat but we get to eat
eventually and we don’t get an elbow in
the face good system to this day we are
perfectly comfortable with somebody more
senior than us getting preferential
not a single person in this room has a
problem with somebody more senior than
you making more money than you doesn’t
bother us at all we might think they’re
an idiot but it doesn’t actually bother
us that they make more money nobody has
a problem with somebody more senior
having a better parking space or a
bigger office it doesn’t bother us in
fact we sometimes expect it it’s because
we’re proud to do things and shows
deference to those more Athlon us those
that we have judged as alpha and if
you’re the recipient of that deference
if you’re the one called sir or ma’am if
you’re the one who gets given a cup of
tea as soon as you walk into the room
even though you didn’t ask for it if
somebody holds the door for you or
carries your luggage for you well you’re
the one making more money and enjoying
all the perks you feel the love you feel
valued by your tribe you feel the
serotonin you feel your confidence rise
and it feels good this is why we’re all
trying to vie to raise our status in the
society because it feels good it comes
with certain perks it’s good to be the
king and you should enjoy those perks
however they don’t come for free there’s
a cost for being the leader you see as a
Marine Corps general told me the cost of
leadership is self-interest and he’s
right you see the group is not stupid
yes we gave our alpha this preferential
treatment yes we gave them first choice
of meat yes we gave them first choice of
mate yes we show them all this deference
and they get all that confidence as a
result of all the serotonin and the
reason is because when danger threatens
the tribe we expect the person who’s
actually stronger who’s actually better
fed and who’s actually filled with all
that additional confidence to rush the
wards the danger to protect us that’s
the cost of leadership that’s why we
gave them first choice of mate because
they might die first and we want to keep
their genes in the gene pool we’re not
stupid that’s what leaders do they’re
willing to take the risk and sacrifice
their perks or comfort when it matters
to protect their people you should enjoy
all the perks you’ve earned them however
are you willing to sacrifice the numbers
to save the people or would you
sacrifice the people to save the numbers
only one of those choices makes you a
leader
oxytocin oxytocin is everyone’s favorite
chemical it’s the feeling of love it’s
the feeling of trust it’s the feeling of
loyalty it’s all the warm and fuzzies
unicorns and rainbows
like I said multiple ways to get Moxie
oxytocin one way physical contact right
this is why children hold on to us makes
them feel safe it’s why we hug the
people we love because it feels good
it’s why athletes high-five it’s why
when someone’s hurt or someone’s
depressed we touch them we kiss them on
the forehead we rub their leg and say
they’re there don’t worry it’ll be okay
we’ve put we put our hands on our
friend’s shoulders when we sense that
they’re tense because
oxytocin relaxes us and it makes us feel
safe and it makes us feel that someone’s
there for us and it gives us the
confidence to try again because we know
someone’s there
you think business is about terms and
contracts it’s not it’s about our
pursuit to find circles of safety
business is looking for human
relationships to find people around him
we can feel safe and this is one of the
most valuable tools you have imagine
you’re about to sign a deal with someone
and you come to sign the contract and
they say we’re so excited and you say
we’re so excited and you say great and
they say no no we don’t need I don’t
need to shake your hand let’s just get
this contract signed and start the deal
and you go great and they say no no no I
don’t need to shake your hand let’s just
do this I agree to all the terms you
just got all the terms you asked for and
yet they’re simple refusal to shake your
hand
to create the human bond of trust means
one of two things will happen you will
either scuttle the deal or you will go
into it nervous because they wouldn’t
shake your hand
oxytocin trust safety if someone does a
good job you want to criticize somebody
instead of doing it out of email stand
up walk across the hallway knock on the
door and say nice job today and if you
can’t do that pick up the telephone pick
up the phone and say hey just wanted to
say nice job and they’ll say is that the
only reason you called you go uh-huh and
they go wow
I’ve done it what should happen people
are amazed that you would spend the time
simply to say thank you or if there is a
criticism that you would spend the time
to pay them the service to do it
yourself as opposed to on some email
leadership is a sacrifice sometimes that
sacrifice comes in terms of your
comforts your profits
sometimes that sacrifice comes in terms
of your time and your energy and the
best leaders the ones were willing to
sacrifice for their people leadership is
a choice
it is not a rank I know many people at
the top of organizations who are not
leaders and I know many people at the
bottom of organizations who absolutely
are leaders and when you’re willing to
do that and your people feel confident
that you would do that you are rewarded
with their love and their loyalty and
they will gladly give you their blood
and their sweat and their tears and
sacrifice themselves to see that your
vision is advanced and the more oxytocin
we have in our systems the more good we
want to do it actually makes us more
generous and as I said before it made
boost our immune system it makes us
happy it makes us healthier why because
the human body is desperately trying to
get us to look after each other the
greatest feeling we can get is when we
do something nice for each other on
purpose so that we will do nice things
for each other and if we see people do
nice things for each other it makes us
want to do nice things to each other why
because the human body is trying to get
us to look after us ourselves happy
people live longer
happy people oxytocin also does
something to the frontal lobe it makes
you a better problem-solver it makes you
smarter when you work amongst people
with whom you trust there’s one more
chemical I haven’t told you about
it’s called cortisol the Big C cortisol
is the feeling of stress it is the
feeling of anxiety it is the feeling of
tension it is the feeling you get when
you’re not sure what’s going to happen
cortisol is designed to do one thing and
one thing only keep you alive it is an
early
alarm system the problem is cortisol is
not supposed to stay in our systems it’s
supposed to inject in our system keep us
alive at this danger and then leave but
when we work in companies when we work
in environments in which there is low
gauge stress all the time because we
don’t trust trust each other
drip drip drip someone comes to work and
says I think there’s gonna be
redundancies today and everybody goes
good and everybody’s worried
and everybody’s paranoid everyone is
tense and guess what nobody’s getting
any work done that day because
everything is but stay alive stay alive
stay alive we react the exact same way
we become paranoid I know I shouldn’t
have spoken up in the meeting oh I knew
I should have done that because we don’t
trust each other we fear that house
leaders would sooner sacrifice us to
save the numbers would never sacrifice
the numbers to save us if we just know
that that’s the case and it happens
every year drip drip drip that’s why we
have stress at work it’s because there’s
this low-grade cortisol in our body is
at all time there’s a problem with that
you see cortisol is an oxytocin
inhibitor it doesn’t want us to be
empathetic when there’s danger it wants
us to stay alive cortisol makes us
unbelievably selfish paranoid stressed
tense
it literally inhibits the chemical that
makes us happier healthier and
empathetic to find all that extra energy
to make us paranoid and keep us alive
cortisol has to turn things off
non-essential systems one of the systems
it turns off is growth we don’t need
your fingernails to grow at the time of
danger it also turns off your immune
system it’s not supposed to stay in your
system but when you have low-grade
cortisol in your body what happens is it
screws with your immune system and so
all of these diseases cancer heart
disease diabetes are on the rise not
because of partially hydrogenated oils
or fizzy drinks our jobs are literally
killing us this is the effect of bad
leadership we’re literally
shortening the lives of the people who
work for us we are giving them cancer
and diabetes and heart disease and
because they don’t feel safe we don’t
feel that they have our backs and we’re
killing ourselves in the process does
this work differently we with gender men
and women were differently yes they are
wired differently women tend to be more
comfortable with this stuff because it’s
mushy and soft you know it’s not that
these things are mushy and soft it’s
that just they’re harder to measure
right the cool how do you measure the
quality of trust it’s very hard how do
you measure if we made the numbers very
easy testosterone is an is also an
oxytocin inhibitor this is why
traditionally we like men to be
policemen I don’t care what your Excuse
is you’re coming with me you know
there’s less empathy right men have the
less empathy because of the testosterone
they do biologically they’ve it’s an
oxytocin inhibitor which is why when you
have oh like an investment bank a lot of
men and a lot of machismo and a lot of
competition it really can be quite
destructive if there’s bad leadership
you have it in the military as well and
it is not as destructive because there’s
so yes women tend to be better at this I
actually believe that we need more it’s
not that we need more female leaders per
se it’s that we need more leaders who
act like females females just have an
inherent advantage you know
traditionally leadership has been male
leadership aggression make the numbers
unapologetic make decisions right and
yet the balance of the chemicals which
tend to be more traditionally female
qualities things like empathy gratitude
patience care are things that are very
important in all genders and all leaders
women have an advantage of those so it’s
once again it’s about balance I tend to
believe that great leaders actually come
in pairs mum and dad you know you know
when we when we when we when we achieve
something great in our careers it makes
our fathers proud when we’re good people
it makes our mothers
right and so I tend to believe good
leaders even in companies tend to come
in pairs you tend to have the more
visionary empathetic people focus you
tend to have the more operator let’s get
this done let’s measure everything and
it’s the tension of the two that
actually make it very functional
it creates balance yes so thank you very
much it’s a bit of a follow on from the
last one actually but I’m interested in
the difference between all the triggers
between conscious thought and the
kinesthetic feelings yeah and how they
actually which which is the Alpha in
there and which lead to which and how
can you turn them on or off boy these
are hard questions all of these
chemicals are produced in our limbic
brains and our limbic brains are
responsible for our feelings and it’s
responsible for all of our behavior and
decision-making but it is not
responsible for rational and analytical
thought and it’s not responsible for
language we share the limbic brain and
all these chemicals with all the social
mammals we’re all the same we have a
neocortex which is our Homo Sapien brain
which gives us the capacity for rational
and analytical thought and language the
the problem with being human the problem
with the neocortex is that we want to
make sense of everything and we want to
explain everything
and so when we have a feeling where a
gazelle just reacts to the feeling we
want to figure out where the feeling is
coming from you know and so this can
drive us mad right and it and it can
actually feed it good or bad we create
stories in our heads that can really
make it quite maddening what’s quite
remarkable about the conscious and
subconscious brains if you will the
conscious brain has access to the
equivalent of four feet of information
around you so this is the information we
access when we have brain storming or we
do the pros and the cons or we think
about the problem or we access our
expertise right this is our conscious
brain the subconscious brain has access
to the equivalent of eleven acres of
information in other words every lesson
you’ve ever learned every experience if
the head gets stored away and the
reality is the value of the
brainstorming session is actually not
the brainstorming session it’s the
asking of the question because your
subconscious brain will continue to
think about things not
think but think about things even when
you’re not thinking about them right but
if the questions never asked it won’t so
the value the brainstorming is the
posing of the question and then when
you’re lying in bed or go for a run or
in the car or in the shower all of a
sudden you go oh my god that’s the
answer right that they come from nowhere
they didn’t come from nowhere it’s
because your brain is always working out
problems and posing the problem at work
and then allowing it to sit allows your
brain to go into all those other
experiences you’ve had and know what to
do this is why experiences and curiosity
and talking to each other really matters
because you will file these things away
and you will access them when you need them
natural reaction is trust and
cooperation when we do not feel safe
amongst our own the natural reaction is
cynicism paranoia and self-interest so
the question is how do you create a
circle of safety as it turns out the
human body is built the exact same way
as any organization if we want to direct
the behavior of people inside our
organization what do we do we develop
all sorts of incentive systems we give
them a target we give them a goal we
offer some sort of bonus and what do
people do they work towards the goals
that we set we direct their behavior it
works perfectly effectively it works the
same way with children we give them gold
stars and we get them to do the things
that we want it works perfectly fine
inside the human body are certain
incentives that work exactly the same
way and if you’ve ever had a feeling of
pride status accomplishment love trust
friendship loyalty all of these feelings
that I’ll generically call happiness are
basically produced by four chemicals
inside our bodies they are endorphins
dopamine serotonin and oxytocin Edd’s so
every single feeling that we basically
know as happiness is controlled by these
four chemicals and what they’re trying
to do is incentivize us to get us to
repeat behaviors at an hour that are in
our best interest in other words to get
us to cooperate to get us to trust it is
our natural disposition to want to trust
and cooperate and we’re always looking
for it which is why this sense of
belonging is so powerful we’re always
seeking out people who are like us we
want to be next to people who are like
us the first chemical endorphins we’ve
all heard of an endorphin rush a
runner’s high endorphins have one
purpose in one purpose only to mask
physical pain that’s it in our modern
day and age with supermarkets and cars
we don’t really use endorphins for
survival much anymore but there are
other ways you can get endorphins
laughing for example when we laugh it’s
actually an endorphin rush you’re
actually convulsing your internal organs
and so endorphins are released to mass
that pain we’ve all had
the experience where we laugh so hard we
say stop stop it hurts because the
endorphins have run out dopamine
dopamine is the feeling you get when you
find something you looking for or you
accomplish a goal you set out to
accomplish you know that remarkable
feeling you get when you cross something
off your to-do list
oh that’s dopamine this is why we are
told that you must write down your goals
if you want to achieve them if you don’t
write down your goals you you won’t
achieve your goals there’s some truth to
this we’re very visual animals you have
to be able to see the target and then it
directs that dopamine directors to stay
focused on their target the whole idea
of metrics is to count progress to make
us feel like we’re making progress
towards the goal we’re not supposed to
be obsessed with the metrics we’re
supposed to be obsessed with the
destination metrics are silly it’s a
simply a way to help us feel like we’re
getting towards it this is why we have a
vision statement they call it a vision
statement cuz you have to be able to see
it so that it focuses us towards that
vision the problem is most vision
statements are absolutely useless it’s
because they’re abstract and we can’t
imagine them in our minds eye we can’t
see them you know so many vision
statements are to be the biggest to be
the best to be the fastest to be the
most respected respected by whom your
mother I can’t understand this what if I
were to tell you you will get a bonus if
you accomplish more how much more you
ask me more doesn’t work we’re no good
with the abstract we need things to be
specific we need to be them we need we
need them to be visual among most of the
incentive systems that we have built
inside our companies our dopamine and
sensor systems they’re individual
incentives we give people a target and
we offer them a bonus and we offer them
that is the primary means we drive
behavior and so what happens is people
will do exactly what we want and they
will work for the dopamine and they’ll
hit the first target and then we’ll give
them another bonus we’re hit the second
target and you can become addicted you
can actually become addicted to
performance you can actually become
addicted to making the numbers inside a
company and the problem is like all
addiction in time you actually waste
resources waste time and destroy
relationships ironically it is not the
best way to get a company to grow and
the reason is is because dopamine and
endorphins are selfish chemicals you
don’t need anyone’s help to get them go
for a run work your to-do list get your
goals set you’re good to go you don’t
need any help you can do by yourself the
problem is the feelings don’t last
they’re very short-term you lose them
quickly as soon as you achieve something
nobody here is excited about the numbers
they hit four years ago it’s gone on to
the next and this is the problem this is
the problem we actually work against
each other too much dopamine in the
system we actually become more selfish
not more selfless and as we know from
the circle of safety as we know our best
opportunities are to work together to
face the dangers outside and seize the
opportunities not to work by ourselves
this is why the other two chemicals
exist serotonin and oxytocin are the
selfless chemicals they are the social
chemicals they are the chemicals
responsible for trust and loyalty and
cooperation without these chemicals we’d
all be working by ourselves and we would
not do very well we’re not very good by
ourselves the first one serotonin is the
leadership chemical this feeling of
pride it’s the feeling of status the
feeling leaders have this is why they
walk like this right it’s responsible
for self-confidence as well right
if you think about there are ways to get
serotonin one of the ways to get
serotonin is public recognition this is
why events are very important public
events company events are very very
important right it’s because we put a
room of our peers together and we single
somebody out it just like to single out
Peter Peter can you stand up please
great job on the meeting today we just
want to say thank you did a superb job
Peter feels good he feels his status
rising feels valuable you know we all
want to feel valuable amongst our own
tribe you all wants to feel that our
work is valued by our peers and our
bosses and so when we have it pointed
out publicly amongst the group it
actually makes us feel good and valuable
and others see us as valuable and we
feel our status rise we feel proud and
it builds our confidence serotonin works
best when it’s shared what it’s
attempting to do is real
force the relationship between parent
and child coach and player bust an
employee leader and follow it’s
attempting to reinforce the relationship
between the person who sacrifices so
that you may gain and the person who’s
the recipient of your sacrifice and we
like to work hard because we want to
make those who sacrificed for us we want
to make them proud we want them to feel
that their sacrifice was worth it that’s
why when we give an award to somebody
the first person they thanked is God
their parents their boss their coach
whoever sacrifices they could achieve
something on this great day it’s the
first person they think I couldn’t have
done it without their support their love
their sacrifice and if we give it to the
boss or the coach we give them an award
they stand up then what’s the first
person who’s the first person they
thanked couldn’t have done it without my
team they say and the team sits then
goes and it’s shared and what we do is
we work hard for each other the person
who’s responsible and in the in charge
is reinforced to continue to give and
see that that they will achieve
something great and we continue to work
hard to make them proud and prove to
them that their sacrifice was worth it
we don’t want to let people down we’re
not accountable to numbers we’re
accountable to people we’re constantly
assessing and judging each other
whose alpha who’s beta who’s dominant to
us it’s not a fixed standard it’s a
relative standard if you’ve ever met
someone in your nervous meeting them
you’re not the Alpha we’ve all had the
experience where someone’s met us and we
can sense that they’re nervous meeting
us you’re the Alpha right we’re
constantly judging and assessing each
other
we’re hierarchical animals you can’t put
a group of people in a room and say you
guys are all equals it doesn’t work that
way we’ve always self-organize and the
reason is because when we assess that
someone is alpha to us we voluntarily
take a step back and allow them to eat
first
our leaders get first choice of meat and
first choice of mate we may not get the
best choice of meat but we get to eat
eventually and we don’t get an elbow in
the face good system to this day we are
perfectly comfortable with somebody more
senior than us getting preferential
not a single person in this room has a
problem with somebody more senior than
you making more money than you doesn’t
bother us at all we might think they’re
an idiot but it doesn’t actually bother
us that they make more money nobody has
a problem with somebody more senior
having a better parking space or a
bigger office it doesn’t bother us in
fact we sometimes expect it it’s because
we’re proud to do things and shows
deference to those more Athlon us those
that we have judged as alpha and if
you’re the recipient of that deference
if you’re the one called sir or ma’am if
you’re the one who gets given a cup of
tea as soon as you walk into the room
even though you didn’t ask for it if
somebody holds the door for you or
carries your luggage for you well you’re
the one making more money and enjoying
all the perks you feel the love you feel
valued by your tribe you feel the
serotonin you feel your confidence rise
and it feels good this is why we’re all
trying to vie to raise our status in the
society because it feels good it comes
with certain perks it’s good to be the
king and you should enjoy those perks
however they don’t come for free there’s
a cost for being the leader you see as a
Marine Corps general told me the cost of
leadership is self-interest and he’s
right you see the group is not stupid
yes we gave our alpha this preferential
treatment yes we gave them first choice
of meat yes we gave them first choice of
mate yes we show them all this deference
and they get all that confidence as a
result of all the serotonin and the
reason is because when danger threatens
the tribe we expect the person who’s
actually stronger who’s actually better
fed and who’s actually filled with all
that additional confidence to rush the
wards the danger to protect us that’s
the cost of leadership that’s why we
gave them first choice of mate because
they might die first and we want to keep
their genes in the gene pool we’re not
stupid that’s what leaders do they’re
willing to take the risk and sacrifice
their perks or comfort when it matters
to protect their people you should enjoy
all the perks you’ve earned them however
are you willing to sacrifice the numbers
to save the people or would you
sacrifice the people to save the numbers
only one of those choices makes you a
leader
oxytocin oxytocin is everyone’s favorite
chemical it’s the feeling of love it’s
the feeling of trust it’s the feeling of
loyalty it’s all the warm and fuzzies
unicorns and rainbows
like I said multiple ways to get Moxie
oxytocin one way physical contact right
this is why children hold on to us makes
them feel safe it’s why we hug the
people we love because it feels good
it’s why athletes high-five it’s why
when someone’s hurt or someone’s
depressed we touch them we kiss them on
the forehead we rub their leg and say
they’re there don’t worry it’ll be okay
we’ve put we put our hands on our
friend’s shoulders when we sense that
they’re tense because
oxytocin relaxes us and it makes us feel
safe and it makes us feel that someone’s
there for us and it gives us the
confidence to try again because we know
someone’s there
you think business is about terms and
contracts it’s not it’s about our
pursuit to find circles of safety
business is looking for human
relationships to find people around him
we can feel safe and this is one of the
most valuable tools you have imagine
you’re about to sign a deal with someone
and you come to sign the contract and
they say we’re so excited and you say
we’re so excited and you say great and
they say no no we don’t need I don’t
need to shake your hand let’s just get
this contract signed and start the deal
and you go great and they say no no no I
don’t need to shake your hand let’s just
do this I agree to all the terms you
just got all the terms you asked for and
yet they’re simple refusal to shake your
hand
to create the human bond of trust means
one of two things will happen you will
either scuttle the deal or you will go
into it nervous because they wouldn’t
shake your hand
oxytocin trust safety if someone does a
good job you want to criticize somebody
instead of doing it out of email stand
up walk across the hallway knock on the
door and say nice job today and if you
can’t do that pick up the telephone pick
up the phone and say hey just wanted to
say nice job and they’ll say is that the
only reason you called you go uh-huh and
they go wow
I’ve done it what should happen people
are amazed that you would spend the time
simply to say thank you or if there is a
criticism that you would spend the time
to pay them the service to do it
yourself as opposed to on some email
leadership is a sacrifice sometimes that
sacrifice comes in terms of your
comforts your profits
sometimes that sacrifice comes in terms
of your time and your energy and the
best leaders the ones were willing to
sacrifice for their people leadership is
a choice
it is not a rank I know many people at
the top of organizations who are not
leaders and I know many people at the
bottom of organizations who absolutely
are leaders and when you’re willing to
do that and your people feel confident
that you would do that you are rewarded
with their love and their loyalty and
they will gladly give you their blood
and their sweat and their tears and
sacrifice themselves to see that your
vision is advanced and the more oxytocin
we have in our systems the more good we
want to do it actually makes us more
generous and as I said before it made
boost our immune system it makes us
happy it makes us healthier why because
the human body is desperately trying to
get us to look after each other the
greatest feeling we can get is when we
do something nice for each other on
purpose so that we will do nice things
for each other and if we see people do
nice things for each other it makes us
want to do nice things to each other why
because the human body is trying to get
us to look after us ourselves happy
people live longer
happy people oxytocin also does
something to the frontal lobe it makes
you a better problem-solver it makes you
smarter when you work amongst people
with whom you trust there’s one more
chemical I haven’t told you about
it’s called cortisol the Big C cortisol
is the feeling of stress it is the
feeling of anxiety it is the feeling of
tension it is the feeling you get when
you’re not sure what’s going to happen
cortisol is designed to do one thing and
one thing only keep you alive it is an
early
alarm system the problem is cortisol is
not supposed to stay in our systems it’s
supposed to inject in our system keep us
alive at this danger and then leave but
when we work in companies when we work
in environments in which there is low
gauge stress all the time because we
don’t trust trust each other
drip drip drip someone comes to work and
says I think there’s gonna be
redundancies today and everybody goes
good and everybody’s worried
and everybody’s paranoid everyone is
tense and guess what nobody’s getting
any work done that day because
everything is but stay alive stay alive
stay alive we react the exact same way
we become paranoid I know I shouldn’t
have spoken up in the meeting oh I knew
I should have done that because we don’t
trust each other we fear that house
leaders would sooner sacrifice us to
save the numbers would never sacrifice
the numbers to save us if we just know
that that’s the case and it happens
every year drip drip drip that’s why we
have stress at work it’s because there’s
this low-grade cortisol in our body is
at all time there’s a problem with that
you see cortisol is an oxytocin
inhibitor it doesn’t want us to be
empathetic when there’s danger it wants
us to stay alive cortisol makes us
unbelievably selfish paranoid stressed
tense
it literally inhibits the chemical that
makes us happier healthier and
empathetic to find all that extra energy
to make us paranoid and keep us alive
cortisol has to turn things off
non-essential systems one of the systems
it turns off is growth we don’t need
your fingernails to grow at the time of
danger it also turns off your immune
system it’s not supposed to stay in your
system but when you have low-grade
cortisol in your body what happens is it
screws with your immune system and so
all of these diseases cancer heart
disease diabetes are on the rise not
because of partially hydrogenated oils
or fizzy drinks our jobs are literally
killing us this is the effect of bad
leadership we’re literally
shortening the lives of the people who
work for us we are giving them cancer
and diabetes and heart disease and
because they don’t feel safe we don’t
feel that they have our backs and we’re
killing ourselves in the process does
this work differently we with gender men
and women were differently yes they are
wired differently women tend to be more
comfortable with this stuff because it’s
mushy and soft you know it’s not that
these things are mushy and soft it’s
that just they’re harder to measure
right the cool how do you measure the
quality of trust it’s very hard how do
you measure if we made the numbers very
easy testosterone is an is also an
oxytocin inhibitor this is why
traditionally we like men to be
policemen I don’t care what your Excuse
is you’re coming with me you know
there’s less empathy right men have the
less empathy because of the testosterone
they do biologically they’ve it’s an
oxytocin inhibitor which is why when you
have oh like an investment bank a lot of
men and a lot of machismo and a lot of
competition it really can be quite
destructive if there’s bad leadership
you have it in the military as well and
it is not as destructive because there’s
so yes women tend to be better at this I
actually believe that we need more it’s
not that we need more female leaders per
se it’s that we need more leaders who
act like females females just have an
inherent advantage you know
traditionally leadership has been male
leadership aggression make the numbers
unapologetic make decisions right and
yet the balance of the chemicals which
tend to be more traditionally female
qualities things like empathy gratitude
patience care are things that are very
important in all genders and all leaders
women have an advantage of those so it’s
once again it’s about balance I tend to
believe that great leaders actually come
in pairs mum and dad you know you know
when we when we when we when we achieve
something great in our careers it makes
our fathers proud when we’re good people
it makes our mothers
right and so I tend to believe good
leaders even in companies tend to come
in pairs you tend to have the more
visionary empathetic people focus you
tend to have the more operator let’s get
this done let’s measure everything and
it’s the tension of the two that
actually make it very functional
it creates balance yes so thank you very
much it’s a bit of a follow on from the
last one actually but I’m interested in
the difference between all the triggers
between conscious thought and the
kinesthetic feelings yeah and how they
actually which which is the Alpha in
there and which lead to which and how
can you turn them on or off boy these
are hard questions all of these
chemicals are produced in our limbic
brains and our limbic brains are
responsible for our feelings and it’s
responsible for all of our behavior and
decision-making but it is not
responsible for rational and analytical
thought and it’s not responsible for
language we share the limbic brain and
all these chemicals with all the social
mammals we’re all the same we have a
neocortex which is our Homo Sapien brain
which gives us the capacity for rational
and analytical thought and language the
the problem with being human the problem
with the neocortex is that we want to
make sense of everything and we want to
explain everything
and so when we have a feeling where a
gazelle just reacts to the feeling we
want to figure out where the feeling is
coming from you know and so this can
drive us mad right and it and it can
actually feed it good or bad we create
stories in our heads that can really
make it quite maddening what’s quite
remarkable about the conscious and
subconscious brains if you will the
conscious brain has access to the
equivalent of four feet of information
around you so this is the information we
access when we have brain storming or we
do the pros and the cons or we think
about the problem or we access our
expertise right this is our conscious
brain the subconscious brain has access
to the equivalent of eleven acres of
information in other words every lesson
you’ve ever learned every experience if
the head gets stored away and the
reality is the value of the
brainstorming session is actually not
the brainstorming session it’s the
asking of the question because your
subconscious brain will continue to
think about things not
think but think about things even when
you’re not thinking about them right but
if the questions never asked it won’t so
the value the brainstorming is the
posing of the question and then when
you’re lying in bed or go for a run or
in the car or in the shower all of a
sudden you go oh my god that’s the
answer right that they come from nowhere
they didn’t come from nowhere it’s
because your brain is always working out
problems and posing the problem at work
and then allowing it to sit allows your
brain to go into all those other
experiences you’ve had and know what to
do this is why experiences and curiosity
and talking to each other really matters
because you will file these things away
and you will access them when you need them
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