thank you
isn’t it ironic that on the day I’m
giving a talk about the struggles of
working mothers
it’s my youngest son seventh birthday of
all the days but I’m gonna make the most
of this working mom juggling act and
create a special memory for him so
please on the count of three let’s all
yell out
happy birthday cut-up yeah count to
three one two three thank you so much
see that’s the mum in working mum I
think I’d better get the working part
into gear I want to start by showing you
a few photos here’s a photo of me
marking exams while at my son’s soccer
training sorry and this is a photo of me
marking exams while we were watching a
real Madrid Champions League match and
this is one which still makes me smile
we’re invited to our friend’s house for
lunch and we got there and I headed
straight to the kitchen and you know
Lebanese women arguing over who’s
preparing what and of course I offered
to help but they insisted I sit outside
and relax and I’m like relax what’s that
I’m a working mother of two kids I don’t
know how to relax
so I sat outside and of course I’m on
more exams I’ve got a dozen more of
these kinds of photos but this isn’t
about me whore my kidding this whole
talk is about me but it’s also about
Lorraine and Maria and Nasim and Deanna
and hundreds and thousands of working
mothers all around the world my journey
into giving this talk started with a
quote I posted on Facebook actually a
quick scan of my facebook wall shows
that clearly I have some issues
regarding this working month thing I’ve
got going on but this one quote in
particular I remember reading on a night
I woke up at 2:30 in the morning
wide-eyed and overwhelmed with thoughts
of the exams I had to mark the ones I
had to write
the conference presentation class
lectures I had to prepare my kids
homework and football schedule and how I
was going to make it to their school
presentations on time and I saw this the
obligation for working mothers is a very
precise one the feeling that one ought
to work as if one didn’t have children
while raising ones children as if one
didn’t have a job well sadly in our
society the combination of work and
family for women is either impossible or
at the very least extremely challenging
when I was a 23 year old PhD student my
husband and I bumped into my former
university professor and I was telling
him how I was so excited to finish my
PhD so I could become a university
professor myself he asked us if we were
planning to have kids we said yes and he
then told me very dramatically by the
way Jumana academia is very very hard
especially for women and especially if
they have children and he elaborated
with examples in everything after some
back-and-forth he ultimately said you’ll
have to choose between your career and
your family it’s just too hard to have
both now I know he meant well but
imagine hearing this as a young aspiring
academic and he said this in front of my
husband in front of my Lebanese husband
not necessary despite feeling deflated I
persevered and guess what everyone
and I have a beautiful family I didn’t
have to choose after all and neither do
any of you young ladies that’s what I’m
trying to show you I have to confess I’m
a recovering perfectionist and when I
say recovering my mum will tell you I’m
lying it took me ages to even decide on
the title of this talk and I’m still
worried people think I’m arrogant
I promise you I don’t think I’m a
supermom and I’m sure very few working
mothers feel they deserve to wear that
superhero cape but this word super mum
it gets thrown at us left right and
center when really we’re just super
tired of the challenges of being working
mothers you see men they don’t have
these issues a dad who works isn’t even
called a working father he’s a dad and
he has a job men don’t get asked on a
daily basis or ever how do you balance
family and work and they definitely
don’t get asked where do you leave your
kids when you’re at work
no because it’s culturally acceptable
and expected for men to have children
and a professional career without having
to choose between the two now while
women have come a long way in education
and in the workplace over the last few
years working mothers still do a
majority of the household and child
caring duties men are coming along at
home but at a much slower pace even when
dads do take care of their own children
it’s considered babysitting babysitting
babysitting your own children no honey
it’s not called babysitting it’s called
we would never say a mother is
babysitting her own sure now would we I
think I got the answer but this but this
isn’t even half the problem did you know
that women are more likely to be
perfectionists than men when I became a
mother my perfectionism went into
overdrive and apparently this happens to
so many women because we want to be
perfect role models for our kids and
this perfectionism extends to other
parts of our lives as well we want to be
perfect wives daughters sisters and
employees with perfectly manicured nails
pretty ageless faces and beautiful
bodies it’s so much pressure but this
perfectionism is understandable today
the bar on what it means to be a good
mom is so incredibly high that it’s
impossible to keep up we wake up at dawn
to prepare super healthy meals and
snacks we obsess over quality time and
crime as many fun but educational
activities together were involved in
school projects we enrolled them in
sports and music and whatever activity
because that’s what good moms do these
days and work today
it’s much more demanding than previous
years between internet and email and
cell phones and Watsa work is invading
our nights and our weekends our personal
time our family time works unlimited
access to us just adds more pressure as
we try to stay fully committed to our
jobs because you see at work we try to
be the consummate professionals we work
exhaustively to be on top of our game
although we’re sometimes on three to
five hours of interrupted sleep because
our breastfeeding baby needs to nurse
round-the-clock or because our child is
sick
and we couldn’t even blink an eye
because we were so worried do you even
know how hard it is for breastfeeding
women to spend eight nine ten
consecutive hours at work they need to
pump every few hours otherwise they may
endure painful engorgement embarrassing
leaking and sometimes even infection I
had a long day at work a few years ago
and I had to pump three times at work
that day and one of my colleagues
jokingly asked
I hid a pump are you here to work even I
laughed but the struggle is real and
very few people are aware of how hard it
is do you know how hard it is to secure
a trusted caretaker with your children
when they’re sick or they’re on school
holidays and you still have to slug it
out at work I walked into a meeting
recently with my two kids now I admit it
wasn’t the most professional moment of
my career but it was either that or I
couldn’t attend my meeting and somebody
laughed and asked why don’t you bring
your husband as well I know it was
supposed to be a joke but it really hurt
my feelings and in case you are
wondering my kids waited patiently
outside and didn’t bother anyone I had a
between work and family we spread
ourselves so thin that we feel we’re not
fulfilling any role properly let alone
perfectly and when things don’t work out
as perfectly planned instead of saying
it’s okay
I did my best we sometimes think it’s
not good enough it’s a failure or even
worse I failed this leads to
disappointment
guilt and self-doubt why do we feel this
way is it only working mothers
apparently it’s not at the risk of
perpetuating a stereotype
the reality is women have confidence
issues more than men in fact the
confidence issues sorry the confidence
issues that accompany perfectionism and
women are described in a book called the
confidence cope the the authors claim a
vast confidence gap separates the sexes
women like self-assurance overthink
their mistakes think they’re less
confident than they really are and
routinely underestimate their abilities
and their performance women feel
confident only when they’re perfect or
practically perfect this fascinated me
so I read more about it I became more
aware of it I observed it in myself and
in the women around me and I noticed
that we don’t even know how to accept
our compliments without an excuse or
some self-deprecating reply for example
you look really good today that’s the
makeup sounds familiar
here’s another one you look great you’ve
lost weight haven’t you
that’s the black or just last drink my
friend said really but I’ve been eating
like a cow lately and even with my
female students you got an A in the exam
this is amazing yeah but it was an easy
exam ladies please think back to the
last time you accepted a compliment with
thank you or even just a smile it was a
long time ago I bet
maybe never a lot of nods are we that
humble or is it that we truly
underestimate and undervalue ourselves
we really need to think about that I
hate to admit it but I doubted myself a
lot recently even when it came to my own
talk I felt I couldn’t just stand here
and tell you what I was feeling
I needed validation that these feelings
were shared by other mothers otherwise
why would you even care about my story
so I researched tirelessly and I
conducted a questionnaire and soon
enough I realized that this wasn’t just
about me and my experiences other woman
got funny comments when they took their
kids to work other women struggled to
pump milk at work and frequently pumped
in the car or in the toilet during their
lunch break and many women struggle with
time management guilt and self-doubt
it’s then that I realized that I was
describing the stories of so many women
and that gave me the confidence to
pursue this journey I can’t talk about
the struggles of working mothers without
addressing their guilt every breathing
mother has felt mother’s guilt about
working mother’s guilt if it’s something
else because when you’re at work you
feel good to pick it up with the kids I
think you with the kids and you feel
guilty but you should be working and it
just spirals I did spend enough quality
time with the kids I’m not giving my
husband enough attention when was the
last time I cooked a decent meal for my
family so behind on work and the list
goes on and on and the Gilcrease in when
we feel we’re not doing enough for our
kids for our husband for our family for
our work and sometimes even for
ourselves
what is going on this is what I think my
having children is an incredible
life-changing experience our biggest
responsibility as parents is to raise
honest responsible and balanced citizens
of society this takes a lot of love it
takes a lot of work and it takes a lot
of people actually it takes a village it
takes a village to raise a child this is
a well-known African proverb that
describes child upbringing as a communal
effort not long ago people used to live
in multi-generational communities
consisting of kids parents grandparents
aunts uncles aren’t a cousin’s people
cared for each other
and for each other’s children of course
parents were the main people raising
their children but they all shared
responsibilities in teaching them
manners and discouraged social skills
and cultural traditions I’m sure you’ve
all heard stories from your parents and
your grandparents about how they used to
spend the whole day playing together and
then they gather for dinner with the
extended family and listen to stories
and women would help each other cook and
clean and discipline the kids parents
had a lot of support back then but today
we live in a village for society today
the responsibility of raising children
rests on the shoulders of two parents
and in many cases just on the mums
without the support of the village
parents especially mums are under a lot
of pressure to compensate for what whole
communities used to provide we don’t
have kids playing all day in the
neighborhood together anymore instead we
send them to summer camps and we drive
them to schedule playdates and to sports
music art and dance lessons
we don’t have extended families next to
us and even if we do we’re too ashamed
to ask them for help we think we’re
strong and independent we shouldn’t need
anyone’s help and if it’s not the shame
in asking
it’s that instinctive maternal feeling
of I’m the mum it’s my job to take care
of my own children but if we keep trying
to do this all by ourselves or with
little help from others will continue to
feel this way okay I didn’t mean to
sound so dramatic
it doesn’t have to be like this we can
do something about it
first up I know it’s a big call but we
need to think big we must revise
policies we must revise policies to
allow for greater paid parental leave
and more flexible working hours for new
mums this should include measures to
allow breastfeeding women the right to
pump several times during the work day
or at least reduce the workday without
salary cuts this is typically the case
not only in the Western world but in
nearby Qatar
Egypt and the UAE access to paid
parental leave is a global issue in 2014
the Lebanese law granted 10 weeks of
paid maternity leave sure that was an
improvement but the International Labor
Organization recommends a minimum 14
week leave period and urges countries to
extend this to at least 18 weeks
come on Lebanon we can do better how
about the dads
well the dads are entitled to 3 days of
paid paternity leave
yeah 3 full days and even that was
considered generous by members of
Parliament’s as if three days is plenty
of time for a dad to nurture and help
with his newborn come on Lebanon we can
do better now while we wait for our
government to sort itself out create
your own modern day village ask your
loved ones for health share
responsibilities delegate you shouldn’t
feel that you have to do this by
yourself I wouldn’t be here today for
went for my village my mum my husband my
best friend’s my mother-in-law I love
them all and believe it or not my
facebook groups and my online forums we
need each other there’s no shame in that
and lastly let let it go let go of the
perfectionism and the high expectations
of yourself I know how hard this is but
we can’t expect to be perfect patient
nurturing mums amazing wives and lovers
caring daughter sisters and friends
while excelling in our ever demanding
careers and trying to look like a 25
year old supermodel stop it
accept yourself and practice self
compassion and when those guilt pangs do
creep in acknowledge and appreciate all
that you do at home with the kids with
your husband with your family in your
community and at work and oh my goodness
we do so much I changed my mind
thank you alright let’s wrap up I didn’t
realize that the questionnaire would
have such an impact on the mothers but
clearly they wanted to be heard so I
guess I’m their voice and on their
behalf I’d love for you to think about
what you can do for a struggling money
you today as a friends maybe offer to
bring a home-cooked meal once in a while
you know that delivery menu is getting
pretty boring as a sister offered to
babysit and give that mum some quality
me time because you know that quick five
minute shower it’s not me time as a
husband start paying attention to the
support you can provide at home look
most men have great intentions but it’s
simply that they wait to be told what to
do know take the wheel for a bit let’s
all share the weight of a village that’s
resting on mums shoulders and maybe then
they can let go a bit and enjoy a few
well-deserved breaks guilt-free so this
is for all the working mothers here
today and for the working mothers at
home the super mums and the future
working mothers and our husbands the
working fathers and our sisters mums
friends and colleagues be aware of the
challenges that lie beneath the
invisible cape of a working mother
awareness is key Sheryl Sandberg said it
beautifully we cannot change what we are
not aware of and once we are aware we cannot help but change
isn’t it ironic that on the day I’m
giving a talk about the struggles of
working mothers
it’s my youngest son seventh birthday of
all the days but I’m gonna make the most
of this working mom juggling act and
create a special memory for him so
please on the count of three let’s all
yell out
happy birthday cut-up yeah count to
three one two three thank you so much
see that’s the mum in working mum I
think I’d better get the working part
into gear I want to start by showing you
a few photos here’s a photo of me
marking exams while at my son’s soccer
training sorry and this is a photo of me
marking exams while we were watching a
real Madrid Champions League match and
this is one which still makes me smile
we’re invited to our friend’s house for
lunch and we got there and I headed
straight to the kitchen and you know
Lebanese women arguing over who’s
preparing what and of course I offered
to help but they insisted I sit outside
and relax and I’m like relax what’s that
I’m a working mother of two kids I don’t
know how to relax
so I sat outside and of course I’m on
more exams I’ve got a dozen more of
these kinds of photos but this isn’t
about me whore my kidding this whole
talk is about me but it’s also about
Lorraine and Maria and Nasim and Deanna
and hundreds and thousands of working
mothers all around the world my journey
into giving this talk started with a
quote I posted on Facebook actually a
quick scan of my facebook wall shows
that clearly I have some issues
regarding this working month thing I’ve
got going on but this one quote in
particular I remember reading on a night
I woke up at 2:30 in the morning
wide-eyed and overwhelmed with thoughts
of the exams I had to mark the ones I
had to write
the conference presentation class
lectures I had to prepare my kids
homework and football schedule and how I
was going to make it to their school
presentations on time and I saw this the
obligation for working mothers is a very
precise one the feeling that one ought
to work as if one didn’t have children
while raising ones children as if one
didn’t have a job well sadly in our
society the combination of work and
family for women is either impossible or
at the very least extremely challenging
when I was a 23 year old PhD student my
husband and I bumped into my former
university professor and I was telling
him how I was so excited to finish my
PhD so I could become a university
professor myself he asked us if we were
planning to have kids we said yes and he
then told me very dramatically by the
way Jumana academia is very very hard
especially for women and especially if
they have children and he elaborated
with examples in everything after some
back-and-forth he ultimately said you’ll
have to choose between your career and
your family it’s just too hard to have
both now I know he meant well but
imagine hearing this as a young aspiring
academic and he said this in front of my
husband in front of my Lebanese husband
not necessary despite feeling deflated I
persevered and guess what everyone
and I have a beautiful family I didn’t
have to choose after all and neither do
any of you young ladies that’s what I’m
trying to show you I have to confess I’m
a recovering perfectionist and when I
say recovering my mum will tell you I’m
lying it took me ages to even decide on
the title of this talk and I’m still
worried people think I’m arrogant
I promise you I don’t think I’m a
supermom and I’m sure very few working
mothers feel they deserve to wear that
superhero cape but this word super mum
it gets thrown at us left right and
center when really we’re just super
tired of the challenges of being working
mothers you see men they don’t have
these issues a dad who works isn’t even
called a working father he’s a dad and
he has a job men don’t get asked on a
daily basis or ever how do you balance
family and work and they definitely
don’t get asked where do you leave your
kids when you’re at work
no because it’s culturally acceptable
and expected for men to have children
and a professional career without having
to choose between the two now while
women have come a long way in education
and in the workplace over the last few
years working mothers still do a
majority of the household and child
caring duties men are coming along at
home but at a much slower pace even when
dads do take care of their own children
it’s considered babysitting babysitting
babysitting your own children no honey
it’s not called babysitting it’s called
we would never say a mother is
babysitting her own sure now would we I
think I got the answer but this but this
isn’t even half the problem did you know
that women are more likely to be
perfectionists than men when I became a
mother my perfectionism went into
overdrive and apparently this happens to
so many women because we want to be
perfect role models for our kids and
this perfectionism extends to other
parts of our lives as well we want to be
perfect wives daughters sisters and
employees with perfectly manicured nails
pretty ageless faces and beautiful
bodies it’s so much pressure but this
perfectionism is understandable today
the bar on what it means to be a good
mom is so incredibly high that it’s
impossible to keep up we wake up at dawn
to prepare super healthy meals and
snacks we obsess over quality time and
crime as many fun but educational
activities together were involved in
school projects we enrolled them in
sports and music and whatever activity
because that’s what good moms do these
days and work today
it’s much more demanding than previous
years between internet and email and
cell phones and Watsa work is invading
our nights and our weekends our personal
time our family time works unlimited
access to us just adds more pressure as
we try to stay fully committed to our
jobs because you see at work we try to
be the consummate professionals we work
exhaustively to be on top of our game
although we’re sometimes on three to
five hours of interrupted sleep because
our breastfeeding baby needs to nurse
round-the-clock or because our child is
sick
and we couldn’t even blink an eye
because we were so worried do you even
know how hard it is for breastfeeding
women to spend eight nine ten
consecutive hours at work they need to
pump every few hours otherwise they may
endure painful engorgement embarrassing
leaking and sometimes even infection I
had a long day at work a few years ago
and I had to pump three times at work
that day and one of my colleagues
jokingly asked
I hid a pump are you here to work even I
laughed but the struggle is real and
very few people are aware of how hard it
is do you know how hard it is to secure
a trusted caretaker with your children
when they’re sick or they’re on school
holidays and you still have to slug it
out at work I walked into a meeting
recently with my two kids now I admit it
wasn’t the most professional moment of
my career but it was either that or I
couldn’t attend my meeting and somebody
laughed and asked why don’t you bring
your husband as well I know it was
supposed to be a joke but it really hurt
my feelings and in case you are
wondering my kids waited patiently
outside and didn’t bother anyone I had a
between work and family we spread
ourselves so thin that we feel we’re not
fulfilling any role properly let alone
perfectly and when things don’t work out
as perfectly planned instead of saying
it’s okay
I did my best we sometimes think it’s
not good enough it’s a failure or even
worse I failed this leads to
disappointment
guilt and self-doubt why do we feel this
way is it only working mothers
apparently it’s not at the risk of
perpetuating a stereotype
the reality is women have confidence
issues more than men in fact the
confidence issues sorry the confidence
issues that accompany perfectionism and
women are described in a book called the
confidence cope the the authors claim a
vast confidence gap separates the sexes
women like self-assurance overthink
their mistakes think they’re less
confident than they really are and
routinely underestimate their abilities
and their performance women feel
confident only when they’re perfect or
practically perfect this fascinated me
so I read more about it I became more
aware of it I observed it in myself and
in the women around me and I noticed
that we don’t even know how to accept
our compliments without an excuse or
some self-deprecating reply for example
you look really good today that’s the
makeup sounds familiar
here’s another one you look great you’ve
lost weight haven’t you
that’s the black or just last drink my
friend said really but I’ve been eating
like a cow lately and even with my
female students you got an A in the exam
this is amazing yeah but it was an easy
exam ladies please think back to the
last time you accepted a compliment with
thank you or even just a smile it was a
long time ago I bet
maybe never a lot of nods are we that
humble or is it that we truly
underestimate and undervalue ourselves
we really need to think about that I
hate to admit it but I doubted myself a
lot recently even when it came to my own
talk I felt I couldn’t just stand here
and tell you what I was feeling
I needed validation that these feelings
were shared by other mothers otherwise
why would you even care about my story
so I researched tirelessly and I
conducted a questionnaire and soon
enough I realized that this wasn’t just
about me and my experiences other woman
got funny comments when they took their
kids to work other women struggled to
pump milk at work and frequently pumped
in the car or in the toilet during their
lunch break and many women struggle with
time management guilt and self-doubt
it’s then that I realized that I was
describing the stories of so many women
and that gave me the confidence to
pursue this journey I can’t talk about
the struggles of working mothers without
addressing their guilt every breathing
mother has felt mother’s guilt about
working mother’s guilt if it’s something
else because when you’re at work you
feel good to pick it up with the kids I
think you with the kids and you feel
guilty but you should be working and it
just spirals I did spend enough quality
time with the kids I’m not giving my
husband enough attention when was the
last time I cooked a decent meal for my
family so behind on work and the list
goes on and on and the Gilcrease in when
we feel we’re not doing enough for our
kids for our husband for our family for
our work and sometimes even for
ourselves
what is going on this is what I think my
having children is an incredible
life-changing experience our biggest
responsibility as parents is to raise
honest responsible and balanced citizens
of society this takes a lot of love it
takes a lot of work and it takes a lot
of people actually it takes a village it
takes a village to raise a child this is
a well-known African proverb that
describes child upbringing as a communal
effort not long ago people used to live
in multi-generational communities
consisting of kids parents grandparents
aunts uncles aren’t a cousin’s people
cared for each other
and for each other’s children of course
parents were the main people raising
their children but they all shared
responsibilities in teaching them
manners and discouraged social skills
and cultural traditions I’m sure you’ve
all heard stories from your parents and
your grandparents about how they used to
spend the whole day playing together and
then they gather for dinner with the
extended family and listen to stories
and women would help each other cook and
clean and discipline the kids parents
had a lot of support back then but today
we live in a village for society today
the responsibility of raising children
rests on the shoulders of two parents
and in many cases just on the mums
without the support of the village
parents especially mums are under a lot
of pressure to compensate for what whole
communities used to provide we don’t
have kids playing all day in the
neighborhood together anymore instead we
send them to summer camps and we drive
them to schedule playdates and to sports
music art and dance lessons
we don’t have extended families next to
us and even if we do we’re too ashamed
to ask them for help we think we’re
strong and independent we shouldn’t need
anyone’s help and if it’s not the shame
in asking
it’s that instinctive maternal feeling
of I’m the mum it’s my job to take care
of my own children but if we keep trying
to do this all by ourselves or with
little help from others will continue to
feel this way okay I didn’t mean to
sound so dramatic
it doesn’t have to be like this we can
do something about it
first up I know it’s a big call but we
need to think big we must revise
policies we must revise policies to
allow for greater paid parental leave
and more flexible working hours for new
mums this should include measures to
allow breastfeeding women the right to
pump several times during the work day
or at least reduce the workday without
salary cuts this is typically the case
not only in the Western world but in
nearby Qatar
Egypt and the UAE access to paid
parental leave is a global issue in 2014
the Lebanese law granted 10 weeks of
paid maternity leave sure that was an
improvement but the International Labor
Organization recommends a minimum 14
week leave period and urges countries to
extend this to at least 18 weeks
come on Lebanon we can do better how
about the dads
well the dads are entitled to 3 days of
paid paternity leave
yeah 3 full days and even that was
considered generous by members of
Parliament’s as if three days is plenty
of time for a dad to nurture and help
with his newborn come on Lebanon we can
do better now while we wait for our
government to sort itself out create
your own modern day village ask your
loved ones for health share
responsibilities delegate you shouldn’t
feel that you have to do this by
yourself I wouldn’t be here today for
went for my village my mum my husband my
best friend’s my mother-in-law I love
them all and believe it or not my
facebook groups and my online forums we
need each other there’s no shame in that
and lastly let let it go let go of the
perfectionism and the high expectations
of yourself I know how hard this is but
we can’t expect to be perfect patient
nurturing mums amazing wives and lovers
caring daughter sisters and friends
while excelling in our ever demanding
careers and trying to look like a 25
year old supermodel stop it
accept yourself and practice self
compassion and when those guilt pangs do
creep in acknowledge and appreciate all
that you do at home with the kids with
your husband with your family in your
community and at work and oh my goodness
we do so much I changed my mind
thank you alright let’s wrap up I didn’t
realize that the questionnaire would
have such an impact on the mothers but
clearly they wanted to be heard so I
guess I’m their voice and on their
behalf I’d love for you to think about
what you can do for a struggling money
you today as a friends maybe offer to
bring a home-cooked meal once in a while
you know that delivery menu is getting
pretty boring as a sister offered to
babysit and give that mum some quality
me time because you know that quick five
minute shower it’s not me time as a
husband start paying attention to the
support you can provide at home look
most men have great intentions but it’s
simply that they wait to be told what to
do know take the wheel for a bit let’s
all share the weight of a village that’s
resting on mums shoulders and maybe then
they can let go a bit and enjoy a few
well-deserved breaks guilt-free so this
is for all the working mothers here
today and for the working mothers at
home the super mums and the future
working mothers and our husbands the
working fathers and our sisters mums
friends and colleagues be aware of the
challenges that lie beneath the
invisible cape of a working mother
awareness is key Sheryl Sandberg said it
beautifully we cannot change what we are
not aware of and once we are aware we cannot help but change
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